Working my way to a deadline, or running hard up to the exam---then the day after said exam, my body would just crash. For all intensive purposes, I would "fall apart" and physically let down, often getting sick with a cold or a winter virus. It was as if my body was saying, "Enough! We are done now."
I remember the haze that would descend.
Do you ever feel foggy, confused or clouded?
This last week has been a bit of a crash week for me. ...winter virus and all!
Put behind me were the tender, beautiful lessons learned during the Advent season. Close behind me were the many sweet moments with family, the good food, and Christmas gifts given and received. And when Monday morning came, I seemed to shut down. I can't really explain it... I felt tired, and sick. I felt distant and out-of-sorts. I felt irritable and yet emotionally hard inside.
Not that anyone from the outside would even have known. I still cooked, laundered, and visited with friends. ...an internal struggle--inside fog. My mind, my heart and my body had seemed to slip away into a mist and a haze of half-living.
What is this about? I still can't really get a handle on all that was going on as the beauty faded from Christmas silence and the Presence I sensed during Advent.
...but it was real and felt disheartening.
The heart is fickle, isn't it?
And, I am desperately needy. In fact, I realize my neediness more and more as I grow in faith and knowledge of the Lord. I really am quite a mess without Him. Without His kind, faithful, loving and persistent hand of grace, I am ... I am a wreck. A crashed wreck of emotions, insecurities, failures, questions, needs and longings.
Yesterday, I finally opened my mouth and began articulating my internal state to my husband (who by the way had noticed!) Just talking about it helped.
But this morning a brighter light began to dawn into my tired mind. Pushing out the clouds and haze, the words of Truth flickered into my soul. Something of the life of Scripture jumped off the page and caressed my cheek, awakening the real, alive-Stephanie.
It was a simple statement of prophecy regarding my future... our future. Your future. The whole of Isaiah chapter 60 was like cool water for my thirsty soul, but verse 17 sprung with life from the page:
"Peace will be your Governor and righteousness your ruler".
My mind and my body need a good ruler over them, to be sure. This hazy crash and this arbitrary "okay-ness" needs something keeping it in order, pulling the pieces back together. ...and Peace is the perfect thing!
The rightness, holiness, and perfectness of God's peace will rule over me and keep me together--- make me whole!
This is what He offers me ...in the future, but also in the now. Today.
He whose mind is on Him will be kept in perfect peace. So, today,... starting this New Year... I choose, once again, to turn my mind, my body and my heart toward Him! He breathes in and through me, sending the haze away and awakening my soul to His gifts to me--- Himself, the Peace that governs me!