"I count myself one of the number of those who write as they learn and learn as they write." ~St. Augustine

Friday, January 22, 2010

Control is STILL an Issue...

I read her honest post and was immediately convicted. Interestingly enough, God had been prodding this area just this morning before reading the post. He has a funny way of doing that! What a personal Father we have!

I posted a while ago about being "a control freak". Well, although I can't say there hasn't been any progress... it is slow going! I do often attempt to control my life, probably more than I am even aware.
I can honestly say that often when I am manipulating my circumstances or people, it is motivated by love; but, does that make it okay? 
Is it okay that I "remind" (read: nag) my husband about this-or-that? (I love him and want his best, right?) 
Is right that I plan and list-make in effort to feel at peace somewhere deep in my soul. (I am a "better" mother when I am organized, right?) ...As if calendar juggling and plan making will bring order to my soul. It doesn't really. Or if it does it is way-short lived. 
Is it okay that I call this person or write that person in the effort to assure that they like me or think well of me? (Motivated by love for them? or for me?) I know it sounds crazy and ugly... but I do it.

There has been growth and for that I testify to God's victory in my life. I am so very grateful that it doesn't consume my life or my thoughts; but, certainly I am far from free. 
So, what is the solution? What would be different in my heart that might free me from this.
Why can I remind my husband with such confidence what he should be doing with his time? Isn't this God's job, not mine. Why do I feel that I can or should plan my life (or my next week) to the every hour? Doesn't God have the right to order my day and do with my time as He pleases. Why do I feel it my job to assure people "I am okay and likeable"? Where is my hope lying when I function in this mindset? ... and am I entrusting my "okayness" to God alone. See, again the problem lies with making myself, me, the center of my thoughts and the world around me. Thus the problem.
As I sit here and dialogue with the Father, I get a sense that freedom would look like taking my eyes off myself. 
"Lose your life"... and "Who is this that darkens my counsel with words without knowledge?" 
I am promted to "look out and up" and to keep my eyes fixed on Him. The thoughts from Father aren't harsh, they feel spoken as gentle reminders. It is not all about you, Steph, he says. (And the words bring peace!) 
The world is bigger, much bigger, than you. My kingdom is beyond your thoughts, opinions, plans or imagination. If I could heart-remember that the world does not revolve around me and my perceptions are hopelessly flawed, I think I would attempt to control less.

So, thank you my friend who posted yesterday. Thank you for your honesty, which propels me to question my heart, my thoughts and my actions.

Father, make me keenly aware of this issue in my life. Show it to me the minute it creeps up. Make me about You, Your glory alone, and Your kingdom. Invade me, Lord and turn my face toward you!
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