"I count myself one of the number of those who write as they learn and learn as they write." ~St. Augustine

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Sometimes I feel so young

Probably a better post title would be... sometimes I feel so immature. Or, sometimes I feel like a little girl... And, I am not talking about that good, lay-in-the-field-and-stare-at-the-cloud little girl feeling. No. Sometimes I just feel so little... so young. So scared. So insecure.

It is amazing how far along the road I can get and still wrestle with the little-girl insecurities at the same time. It is as if the two Stephanies, if you will, stay intimately intertwined. The mature, secure, faith-filled Stephanie and the insecure, unsure, afraid Stephanie are all mixed up inside. And, there are certain times when the little-girl Stephanie shows through, or fights her way forward. Why is it that I regress into old patterns, old ways of thinking, so very naturally sometimes?

But, the secure and faith-filled, Spirit-filled Stephanie does rage loudly against this... and for "her" feistiness I am grateful. When I wonder somewhere deep within if "he likes me" or "she is proud of me". When I wonder deep within if "I am doing it right or enough" or when I want to just "give up and hide under the covers"... the Christ-matured Stephanie yells out, and overshadows the insecurities.

"STOP"... yells the Truth, the Word of God, living within me! Enough, already! This is not WHO you are anymore... This is not WHO I am in you. Stop and remember. I love You. Remember me. Listen to My voice. Remember all you have learned, all I have taught you. Look at My face and remember Me.

So, I choose to remember again, fight the good fight and preserve in the Truth. I chose to listen, to abide, and to remain in His love. His love, His light and His truth give me strength and security. I choose to listen and to walk in Him.

I may still be young... but I don't have to be insecure or little any more.
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