"I count myself one of the number of those who write as they learn and learn as they write." ~St. Augustine

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Why won't he even consider it?...

We have a guest in our home that I love dearly. 
It is hard to describe the relationship, but he has been an important and significant person in my life for many years. And, for most of those years, I have longed deeply for him to know my Father in heaven.

Why won't he even consider it?

It isn't an uncomfortable topic, exactly. He knows who I am. He watched me come to faith and grow in that faith. I think he knows, as much as he can, what I believe. 
But, it is simply just a ... I don't know... a non-topic. We don't "go" there. We have before. We did once... as a very young believer I even plead with him, through tears, to believe. I asked him to try then. But, he just wouldn't consider it.

I simply can't put into words what the Lord Jesus means to me. There aren't words enough to describe my gratitude, my devotion, the depth of my tangible love is for my brother, Jesus. And, he just has no interest in him at all. None. How is this possible?
What would it be like if they didn't want to know my husband... didn't care that he was in my life. Or even rejected our marriage. It feels like those that I love most don't want to know Him that I love more.

Does he ever even wonder about it? Does he ever wonder about Jesus? I thought these and other unanswerable thoughts today as we wandered the country lanes of my new neighborhood. Does he feel the emptiness that I can barely imagine feeling without God? Does he think about God... about life, death... I just don't know because we don't talk about it. He doesn't ask... and I tell only when the opportunity comes up--- which is very rare.

And, he doesn't even consider it. ... or does he, I don't know.

My family and their spiritual state is by far, as I often describe it, my greatest burden. Daily I carry them to Jesus. All of them... I bring them by name and ask for a miracle. I ask for even the vaguest thought--- the dream, the wondering. I just ask God to help them to consider it.

Praying yesterday morning I was asking again... and felt so very hopeless in my prayers. Lord, can you even do it?! Will you? Will they respond, Lord, even when I know You long for them as much as I do? Oh Father, can you do this miracle.

I felt such a sadness when I prayed. I felt such a deep hopelessness. And, then, in my ear (I was listening to my new favorite album by Aaron Shust) came a song of worship. In this song it speaks of the powerful word of God in creation. 
With one word, He spoke into being... life and all the beauty I see around me. And, in that moment of prayer this morning, an indescribable hope welled up within my gut and filled my insides. I knew that YES... He could do this and He will do this. I must keep asking! I will keep asking. Father, I will knock and knock and knock. I will keep asking You for this miracle that I know YOU want!

I will keep asking... Father, would he consider You.
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