"I count myself one of the number of those who write as they learn and learn as they write." ~St. Augustine

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Lay it down

I was feeling out-of-sorts.  Heavy.  I was feeling raw and bugged. What is it, Lord? I whispered in that quiet moment of reflection. Why is my heart like this? What is going on, Lord? You know my heart better than I do... speak and show me, Lord?

A verse came to mind, ...but it felt personalized, ...and it stung. "You want to be the Author and Perfecter of your faith. You want to bring all things to completion". This is what I heard. This was the answer to my question of my Lord.

Ouch. Is that true, Father?

I didn't need His answer. I knew it was true.

I would like to be done. I would like to be perfect, yesterday! Finished. Complete. Holy. And, I am not. (Shocking, I know! smile) And, as I see it, I won't be anytime in the near future!

I know this may sound silly to some. This may seem like a no-brainer thought. This concept is a "duh!" for so many. But, for me it is a struggle. And, when I see my imperfection or weakness I feel angst. I can rock around in guilt or condemnation. I can make plans. Or rules. Or "self-help" strategies to help "bring it to completion". Or, I can put on a mask to cover the weakness and show forth "strength"or perfection. All these are strategies of my old nature--- my natural Stephanie-self. "Old man-strategies" as my friend calls it.

What I am realizing again today is that I need more surrender. Dependence. Release. I need to repent and receive. I need to sit down and surrender. I need to live in and by His Spirit... my new nature. I need, by His grace, to release all control and manipulation. And, I need to trust. I must plead with Father to fill me with His Spirit. He must teach me to lean into Him, trust His love, watch and wait for His work, and respond to His movements in my life.

Not an easy "to do" list, right? And, thus the problem!

I can't do it. Only He is the Author and Perfecter of my faith. Only He is the one who will bring me to completion and make all things new, and good. Him.

Essentially, I need Him. I need more of Him. Less of me and more of Him.

I wrote in my journal, "lay down you". And, then added later after more prayer about this, "Lay down you, so that you can be more of the real you in Him."

Teach me, Father. Teach me to lean into You, Jesus. Fill me, Holy Spirit and lead me into more of You, more Truth.
Our dependence upon God ought to be so entire and absolute that we should never think it necessary, in any kind of distress, to have recourse to human consolations.~Thomas Kempis
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