"I count myself one of the number of those who write as they learn and learn as they write." ~St. Augustine

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Leave it quietly

The work is His and not mine, therefore I am able to quietly leave it in His hands. - Charles Spurgeon

I don't naturally leave things quietly in His hands. I don't know where or when I began believing that I was so desperately "needed", a savior-of-sorts; but it seems almost innate for me to own and carry the work as if I am responsible for it, as if I own it. This fact makes it extremely difficult for me to release, surrender and truly leave work in His hands. If I do leave it... it doesn't sit quietly there. I don't leave it quietly. I leave it and then dance around it and pick it up from time to time.

I am certain that God not only offers, but desires, to use me and He has good work for me to do. This fact is clear in His word. I am His created workmanship with planned things. He has planned work for me from before creation. But, the balance of doing those things faithfully as His servant and "owning" the completion or success of the work is very difficult for me. It isn't a head thing. It is a heart thing.

One piece of "work" that is most difficult for me to release and surrender is that "work" of relationships. I am an obsessive initiator. Or nicely put, a loyal friend. I hold onto people I love tightly. Those that I care about I carry forever. I still find myself regularly praying for high school friendships, college friends... those I have been praying for now for years and years.

I really am an obsessive initiator. I feel such a heavy burden to keep initiating in all my relationships. I must be the one who calls, who writes, who prays, who thinks of, and who keeps the relationships up and running. My husband asked me the other day, what would happen if you stopped initiating? The question was truly jarring. What would happen if you didn't call so-and-so? What would happen if you didn't visit 'whomever'? My husband has always been a good foil for me. He is a great balance to my obsessions, as I hope I am for him. "What if...?" he was kindly asking.

I was struck with the questions. I had never thought about it really. What if I didn't call... My honest response is one of mild fear and maybe sadness. ... maybe I wouldn't ever be called, maybe I would never get a note, maybe this or that relationship would die out. And, that is frightening and sad. Frightening because I own these, right? These relationships are my responsibility, right? Hmmm...

Or are these relationships and the other work in my life--- "... His and not mine, therefore I am able to quietly leave it in His hands." - Charles Spurgeon
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