"I count myself one of the number of those who write as they learn and learn as they write." ~St. Augustine

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Lessons Learned

"You know this." "Honey, we've learned this." Think about it a minute... you know what an adjective is... You know what a preposition is... As a home school mom, these words come out of my mouth often. "Sweetheart, you know what 8x4 is... think about it". "You know where the comma goes..." You know this, love. We've learned this. Remember?

Usually the light dawns on their little faces... "Oh yeah!", they might say. I say to them... "a noun is a person, a pla..." and they finish the sentence with a sudden remembering look, "...a place and a thing!" They usually remember.

How often do I have this same interaction with my Father? How often does the Lord say this to me? Stephanie, you know this. Honey, we've learned this before. Think about it a minute... you know what freedom is. You know what I think of you. You know what you need to do to be loved. You know these things. We've learned this. He says, "Remember my Word says Do not wor..." and I say, "Oh yeah! Do not worry...!" finishing His sentence.

Last night, while bemoaning the fact that my plate was too full, that the "shoulds" were too much to juggle and while asking my husband why we can't just move to a cabin in Montana... the Lord began his kind whispers of "Stephanie, you know this one. I have taught you. Think about it a minute".

I am a recovering "should" girl. From birth, so it seems, I have felt the "shoulds" of tasks and relationships as easily and naturally as breathing. But, that part of me must die. That nasty, unhealthy should-part needs a swift death. I just needs to stop. And, I know this. I have learned this lesson. Eight years ago (this month) the Lord brought miraculous healing to my body. 9 years ago I fell very ill, at least in part, with the "shoulds" that weighed me down. But, God's hand does miracles and one day I had chronic fatigue syndrome ... and the next day I was healed. It was miraculous and it was profound. Although my body was healed overnight, though, my heart and mind had begun a journey of healing that has been lesson upon lesson of releasing (and killing!) this "should" girl. Lesson upon lesson of freedom.

I don't want to go back. I don't want to flunk this level! I want to remember the lessons and walk forward learning more.

So, today I responded to His whispers and I sat with Him. I remembered. Today I am choosing to remember. Yes, Lord, I cry out! I remember! You have taught me this. You Word is so clear on this... I have learned. I have heard. Do not worry. Do not be anxious for anything. Do only that which the Father is about. Just "be" for my glory... do what I created you to do, in MY strength. Ask Me what I want you to do and do that with joy and freedom.

Lessons learned. I do know what freedom is. I know what it is to rest in Your grace. I know You want me to listen for Your voice alone. I know you want me to look for Your pleasure alone. I do know that there is nothing I need to do to earn Your love, Lord. I know that I only must do that which You have given me to do and that my "being" in You, walking in You, worshipping You is the One needful thing. I choose to remember today and I will choose to kill that should girl.

Lord, for your Glory and in Your strength. I remember.
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