"I count myself one of the number of those who write as they learn and learn as they write." ~St. Augustine

Thursday, March 31, 2011

Remember and Go

I have written before about spiritual amnesia. I think I have another case of it today. I hope it isn't catching!

For years now, I have practiced the rhythm of "taking spiritual retreats". My husband and I look ahead at the calendar and pick a day (or even a few days) that would work. We schedule it for me. We schedule it for him. And, then we give each other the gift of silence and solitude. We say to each other, "get out of here and spend time some time with Jesus".

So, my 'scheduled day' is today. And, in a few hours I will pack up for the day and head out to be with my Lord. My husband will take care of the house, the kids, even schooling and caring for dinner. I can just be.

Even though, I have done this a thousand times... how many years now? Even though I have a thousand moments of sweetness logged away in my journal, my memory and my heart; EVERY time, without fail, I struggle with going.

Is it simply the enemy fighting against this discipline? That is very possible!
Is it simply because I am a recovering control freak and still sometimes struggle to leave my children, my "responsibilities" of home and schooling?

Is it a case of spiritual amnesia? I do remember in my head that my times away are always good, albeit not always easy, but always good. I remember that my husband is a fabulous father and dad. I remember that solitude and silence does feed my soul. I know in my head I need these. So, what am I forgetting? What am I fearing? Why don't I want to go?

Is it a fear that He won't show up? Do I really fear sitting there twitting my thumbs? Is it I fear that He will "show up" and put His so kind finger on a sin issue!? That can be painful. And, I don't love pain.

I don't know.

What I do remember, though, even as I type... is that I always feel similarly before getting away with Him. And, I also remember that I am always glad I did go. I remember this and so I go.

For, I know and remember now that sitting at His feet is never a waste. And, so I go. I remember now that life and busy-ness and house and home can leave my soul tired and full of noise. Silence is a good thing. Solitude is solid ground. Silence, solitude and sitting is a good place for pruning and fresh growth. And, I do long for fresh growth. I remember these things... and I go.
The best ground, unfilled and neglected, soonest runs out into rank weeds. A man of knowledge that is either negligent or uncorrected cannot but grow wild and godless. ~Joseph Hall (1574-1656)
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