"I count myself one of the number of those who write as they learn and learn as they write." ~St. Augustine

Saturday, October 1, 2011

Still Afraid Sometimes

So, I found myself afraid last night. It was a significant fear that I struggled to shake off. No real reason for the fear;it was irrational fear, really. But, man!, was it a struggle as I tried to fall asleep.

As I worked my way through the night, waking many times, I prayed much and fought with spiritual weapons I have learned to use--- the Name of Jesus being the primary one!

But, still the fear lingered and poked and nudged it's way into my sleep, my dreams and my whole night. What is this?

I woke this morning and it had all dissipated with the morning sun. Was it simply childlike fear of the dark!?

As I woke, I wondered (in prayer) with the Father at my lack of trust or faith. Not at all in shame or guilt... but in reflection and wonder. Like my brothers, those disciples, who rode in a boat and were afraid of the storm... I felt Jesus whispering to my heart, "Do you still lack faith?O, you of little faith. Why are you so afraid?". (Mark 4:35-40)

Why, Stephanie, are you so afraid?

I don't know, Lord. I really don't know.

True love, I know, casts out fear (I John 4:18). Trusting this True Love, His True Love, is the key to faith and will solve fear... I know. But, I felt stuck last night. I felt overpowered by the winds and the waves.

There were moments when I felt deep peace last night, I must share. And, those moments were when I remembered, and worshiped, WHO God is and WHAT He can do and has done! These moments opened light into my midnight darkness. ...maybe that is the beginning to wisdom. Just maybe...

This fear. The fear of the Lord. The knowledge of WHO He is and trusting Him as He really is... Almighty King and Loving Father.

This was the response of the disciples after Jesus' rebuke that day, "The were terrified and asked each other, 'Who is this that even the wind and waves obey him?'" (Mark 4:41).

My brothers went from fearing the waves and fearing for their safety to fearing HIM... they were terrified, it says. Maybe it is this right understanding of WHO God is that will bring deliverance from fear. Fear that frees us from fear!

But, it isn't just knowledge, is it? No. I am much more complex than that... there are far too many other variables in my heart--- my past, my wounds, my personality, and the enemy's work--- that were in play last night.

But, this fear... this good, awe-inducing, eye-opening, Spirit-led fear of my Lord... is the beginning of wisdom. (Psalm 111:10) And, I needed some wisdom last night!
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