God cares

The preacher said on Sunday, "God cares more about who you are than about what you do."

At the time, I listened and nodded, with an internal, "Amen!"

But, upon reflection, I think this statement is wrong. Or, at least, this statement is off-the-mark.

I think God cares a lot about what we do.

I agree with the sentiment of the phrase. I deeply agree with the message which I am certain this faithful preacher was attempting to share on Sunday. The idea that Father God cares deeply about the state of our hearts. God looks at what is on the inside or the state of our faith, not at our outward deeds or actions, as a measure of reality. He sees our souls, our hearts, our thoughts. He doesn't want white-washed, clean looking stinky tombs. He cares about how clean the cup is on the inside! This I can say, "Amen!" to wholeheartedly.

But, to say that God cares more about "who we are than what we do" is an oxymoronic statement. For, in truth, what we do shows forth who we are. They are deeply and inextricably linked to each other.

Our actions are a testament to our belief. Our deeds are connected to our faith. From our hearts flow the things we do.

God cares deeply about who I am. Yes! And, God cares deeply about what I do.

It does matter to Him how I act as a wife, a mother, a neighbor, an enemy and a friend.

It matters deeply to Him how I wash the dishes, parent my children, or write my newsletters.

"Let your light shine before me"... that is the who I am bit. ..."that they may see your good deeds" ...that is the what I do bit. SO THAT, "they may praise your Father in heaven. " ...that is the goal! (Matthew 5:16)

I am reading a wonderful novel by George MacDonald, The Curates Awakening. One major theme MacDonald is wrestling with is what would faith--- deep, heart changing faith in Jesus--- do to a man's real, everyday life.

"Now it was clear as day that--always provided the man Christ Jesus can be and is with his disciples always to the end of the world--a tradesman might just as soon have Jesus behind the counter with him, teaching him to buy and sell in His Name, that is as he would have done it, as an earl riding over his lands might have him with him, teaching him how to treat his farmers and cottagers. ...the trader who trades nobly is nobler surely than the high-born who, if he carried the principles of his daily life into trade, would be as pitiful a sneak as any he that bows and scrapes falsely behind that altar of lies, his counter." (The Curates Awakening)

To trade in His Name. To lead in His name and to care for others in His name. To clean in His Name. To write in His name. To teach in His name. "as unto Him alone!"

This is what He longs to see in His children, I think.

I Corinthians 10 tells us that we have an example in the Israelite desert wanderers. Paul reminds us that God's people were fed miraculous, spiritual food. They were provided for and led forward in His presence. They ate and had their fill. Who were they?... cared for, provided, fed and led children of God!

...and yet, "The people sat down to eat and drink and got up to play" (1 Cor. 10:7). Their play included everything from sexual immorality, to distrust, to grumbling... and everything in between. (v. 8-9)

Their "play" looked nothing like the spiritual, pure food that had nourished them.

It mattered to the Lord what they did after they ate the spiritual manna He put before them. He cared a lot about what they did. Paul reminds us that God was deeply displeased with their behavior and left them to die in the desert.

This reminder passage in 1 Corinthians concludes with the very familiar passage, "Whatever you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do it all to the glory of God" (10:31). Eat. Drink. ...then get up and "do all" to His glory.

I was blessed with spiritual food this morning. He fed me from His word and His Spirit. Now, it matters ...deeply matters... what I "get up" and do today.

For God cares about who I am, Yes! And, He cares about what I do.

Mercy from a Rock

I really detest complaining. When I hear murmuring, whining or complaining it feels like nails on a chalk board to me. I remember praying daily for my daughter when she was 3 years old. She whined badly. And, I remember asking God to help her stop. I knew it would make me crazy if I had to listen to that sound!!

It is a pet-peeve... complaining.

And yet, it is amazing how easily I tolerate or put-up-with my own complaints. My own complaining heart doesn't seem to bother me to the same degree. It hardly bothers me at all.

I am pretty sure that I am okay with my own whining voice because somehow I feel justified. If I am complaining or murmuring, I feel "right" to do so. The complaint is obviously valid and therefore deserves complaining. Most of the time, I think, my mind is clouded by my complaint-inducing circumstance. It doesn't feel like complaining. It feels like I am just stating things, or seeing things, "as they are". That is not complaining, right?

When I hear other's complaints, I can see more clearly the broad truths around them. Even when a complaint is "justified" it is never alone--- without other truths that surround it and shine light on it. When it is someone else, I can more easily see God's blessing and His provisions... and it bugs me that they can't see it. I don't have much mercy-flowing as I hear the complaints around me.

Reading this morning, I was struck with God's faithful mercy. The Israelites are complaining and grumbling. They are causing havoc and chaos for their leader, Moses. It says they are quarreling with Moses. And, truly, their complaint is justified. They are thirsty. This is pretty good reason to be upset. But, their response is to mummer and argue. (Exodus 17)

Even so, God in His amazing grace and mercy gives them what they need with no punishment or rebuke. Such mercy!

I can't help but wonder if He would much rather have had them ask with faith and trust. Wouldn't it have brought joy to His heart if they had simply "prayed about everything" and "didn't worry about what they ate or drank", but "trusted in the Lord with all their hearts"?

Trust. Trust facilitates asking without complaining.

We have a saying in our family life, (we use it with our kids as well as with each other), "Telling me once is information, twice is complaining".

When my kids can trust that I heard them tell me they are hungry or have a headache, (For, of course, I want them to tell me that! I want that information), they don't feel the need to tell me 10 more times. If they trust I am listening and will respond, they don't need to whine or complain. When I am faithful to give them exactly what they need and to lovingly respond to their information, then they don't need to murmur or argue.

Do I trust Father God like this? Do I trust Him enough to sit and ask and then release it into His hands. Doesn't my complaining words, verbal or non-verbal, show that I am not entrusting the need to Father. Doesn't my murmuring testify that my trust in Him is faulty?

And, still. ...still He gives them water from a rock. This is the mercy of God.

I ask. And, still I complain. And, how many times has He even still answered and given me water from a rock!! Mercy.

...but, I think He is inviting me to so much more! ... Asking and trusting. Trusting and releasing. Resting and not complaining.

"Do everything without complaining or arguing" Phil. 2:14

Father, continue to build my trust and my faith. May I know You, Your sweet provision and love! May I learn to ask and to release to you all things. May I do all things without complaining or arguing.

A Real Love Relationship

...because He loves you and wants a relationship with you...

This was my answer to my sweet-girl's question about, "If God knows everything, why do I need to talk to Him at all?"  

This discussion we had yesterday sent my heart dancing with joy... already such a clear answer to my prayers this week for her heart!!  We were talking about Him and she honestly wanted to understand.  She seems to get why we pray intercessory prayers, or even prayers of supplication.  I understand why we ask for things, she said.

I was suggesting that Father God invites us to much more than asking.  Asking, yes!  But, I was reminding her that her heavenly Father wanted her to talk to Him, to tell Him her thoughts, her worries, her fears, her random-thoughts.  And, she wondered why she would need to do that?!  He knows all those things already, she rightly assessed!

...because He loves you and wants a relationship with you.  And, real relationships always involve two-way communication.  

...you know, like Daddy and I, I shared.  Daddy knew yesterday that I was frustrated.  Remember in the kitchen?  I asked.  She nodded.  Daddy (and He is NOT God) certainly could have guessed that I was annoyed and frustrated.  He saw my actions, he heard my words.  He knew I was upset, right?  Well, did you know that later on that evening he asked me about what happened in the kitchen.  He wanted me to tell him how I was feeling.  He wanted to hear my words, my thoughts, my feelings, ...He wanted me to share with him.  Your Daddy loves me and wants a relationship with me.  ...so we talk.  That is similar to what God wants.  

...because, sweet-girl, God loves you and wants a relationship with you.  


The next day she told me that she had talked to God.  She told me that as she lay in bed she began to tell Him about her day, her feelings, and even about the book she was writing.  I was thrilled!!  She said that she even asked Him a question.  She had asked Him what He thought of this novel.  She wasn't sure if she heard His answer or not... but she asked and waited and listened.

My sweet, budding teenage daughter came one step closer to understanding that Father God deeply, passionately and faithfully loves her and that He wants a relationship with her.  What an answer to prayer!

AND, I am reminded that He loves me and wants a relationship with me!

"I do my best parenting by praying!"  ~Paul Miller

Parenting Tips and How To

I am such a "how to" kinda girl.  Just tell me "how to" do it and I will follow.  I am a rule follower, for better or worse, to the -nth degree!  So, when I was pregnant (actually even prior to), I was reading book after book on the topic of parenting, babies, and behavior modification.  


But, truly the best parenting advice I think I have ever gotten was found in a book on prayer that I read in June:  A Praying Life, by Paul Miller.  I highly recommend this book (for more than just parenting advice!). My journal is filled with quotes and thoughts that still are bumping around, having their effect on me.  


His advice was very, very simple--- not particularly profound, nor was it new;  but, his testimony was extremely significant.  Paul Miller says, "I do my best parenting in prayer".  Yep.  Okay, sure.  Yes, I know this one.  Right? 


Yesterday, my budding teenage daughter shared with me that she didn't feel "close to God" lately and that she really had no desire to be close to Him.  


Not too shocking, really. I feel this way sometimes.  Don't you?  And, it is nice to have safe relationships where we can share.  


But, this was my girl.  My sweet, faith-filled, Jesus-adoring girl...  


What?!!  Seriously my insides, my gut, took a literal jump and I almost instantly felt sick with worry and fear.  Those moments, you know, when you want to scream and yell "no!!"... but, you valiantly nod sympathetically and say, "Can you explain what you mean by that sweet-girl?".  


I wanted to scream.  Run.  No!  Beat her into submission (well, okay, not really beat her... but make her submit and make her love God) 


...seriously, though, my pulse was racing as I listened to her talk about her lack of desire and inclination toward God!  I was afraid.  


In that moment, we did had a good talk, I think.  And, I did do a little "parenting" out-side of prayer--- good stuff, learned skills, that have been handy from those other books---


---but last night, as I lay in bed afraid for my sweet girl's soul and spirit, ... this thought came to my mind, "I do my best parenting in prayer."  Yes!!  What a freeing thought!


Now, THAT, I can do!  


I began to talk with my Father, her Father, our Father.  In my mind's eye I was reminded of a moment 12 years ago, while living in Central Asia, where she had a high fever and we were not near a doctor.  I remembered rocking her, entrusting her, singing over her... a little, helpless babe in my arms...  and I remember the peace of release.  I could even remember the song that I sung over this amazing gift, my baby girl.  "Sweet mercies fall from Heaven, let your mercies fall from heaven, sweet mercies for today---shower them down Lord as we pray!".  


Last night, I did some really good parenting.  


I lay in bed and prayed.  I plead with my loving Father and rested in His deep, abiding, faithful love over my sweet girl.  The same kind Almighty God who delivered her from that fever 12 years ago, or the croup 2 years later, and the pneumonia at age 6... this same loving, tender, listening Father heard my cry for my daughter last night.  


Now, I know... or am learning to know... "how to" do better parenting in this important stage of her life.  I am going to pray.  A lot!  

Why I blog: Hungry to Connect

I blog because I am hungry. 


God has given me signs of hunger and thirst.  My stomach growls or my mouth just feels parched.  ...my head might ache a bit or my energy level drops.  These are tell-tale signs that it is time to eat or take a long, deep drink.  

I am still learning so is it true of the sign and signals my soul gives off.  When I am fatigued or anxious... when I feel "needy", irritable, or oversensitive.  When I want to manipulate or use my words, or actions, for attention.  All these are tell-tale signs that my soul is hungry.  ...maybe past hungry--- maybe a bit starved, in fact, by that point.   

I believe we all get hungry.  ...we all get soul-hungry, as well.  And, I also know that where one person would eat in small snatches 5 times a day; another might eat one large mid-day meal.  My husband is this kind of "camel" eater.  He just simply doesn't need three meals a day.  I need 4 or 5.  Our hungers are universal and yet, unique.  

Isn't this true about our spiritual hunger and how we feed it?  What it looks like for me to be soul-filled and satiated will undoubtedly look different than it might look like for you.  Oh!, the beauty of the variety in the Body of Christ!  

But, we all have hunger and I think just as we all need basic vitamins and minerals, water and proteins to survive physically; So, we all need some spiritual basics that are universal.  I am seeing my basic need... my "vitamin C" need for relational connectedness.  And, I will venture to say we all need this essential in our soul's health.  We have a basic need to be known and to know.  We have a deep, God-given, need for relationship.  

This is the Trinity and our "made in the Image" of the Almighty, isn't it?     The Trinity fellowship that is Our Father, Son and Spirit is a beautiful Truth and basic tenant of Our faith.  And, it was in His image that I was created!  Just as He is connected and known in three-persons, I long for fellowship, connectedness and known-ness. 

I am realizing that I hunger and thirst to be known.  I long to be known and to know God and His people.  

And, so I blog.  

Sounds a bit odd, I am sure.  But, truly, that is one reason I sit here and pour out my thoughts. I know that my husband, my best friends, my new friends, and my sisters are reading.  And, I desperately want them to know this 25 minutes of my life.  I want them to know me.  And, I want to know them.  If only they would all blog!!  

I realized this when I contemplated writing just into a Word Document on my computer.  Afraid of my pride, my people-pleasing tendency and my perfectionism creeping into this blog; I stopped blogging for a while and talked to Father about this issue.  I know myself well enough to know that I can be ridiculously prideful; and my fail safe way of skirting that issue (and any sin issue) is to avoid or to remain clear of anything that might stroke my pride.  

And, yet, what I found as I prayed is that Father God was inviting me to enter into this arena, fully aware of my sinfulness, and find freedom in writing here.   I believe He is inviting me to dive in and blog; while consciously fighting off the enemy of pride.  

Because a Word Doc wouldn't "do it".  In fact, I have noticed I don't feel finished with any given blog post until my husband reads it.   It isn't his praise that makes me feel "done" ---it is the connectedness and the "have been known a bit more".  He read my thoughts.  He now knows these thoughts, too.  

So, in the same way that the fear of false hungers--- boredom, anxiety, sadness, or exhaustion--- might keep me from eating properly or eating enough; so the fear of false hungers of my soul--- pride, self-righteousness, and people-pleasing, don't need to keep me from doing the things that feed my soul.  And, writing, feeds my soul.  

And, so, I write.  I write to be known.  

Does this blog represent all of me.  No, not at all, of course!!  This is one small window into a 30 minute thought-dump.  But, it IS real and it is a part of me.  ...and a part of me that I might have trouble saying to you in the 10 minutes we stand with coffee in hand in the church aisle.


Now, if we had the privilege to sit for a few hours together... (face-to-face communication clearly surpasses the computer screen, in my opinion)... then I could know more of you and you could know me more.  But, alas, one avenue I do have is to write.  And, so I blog.   

So, thank you for reading... thank you for taking a minute to know me (or a part of me).  Thank you for being a part of my soul-feeding. 


"I count myself as one of the number who writes as they learn and learn as they write" ~Augustine 

Asking the Wrong Question

    
I had the privilege to attend her funeral this week.  This funeral was well attended and was a beautiful celebration of the life of this Jesus-loving lady.  Throughout the service I was moved and encouraged.  I found myself in a sweet dialogue of prayer with my Father in Heaven as I processed all that was shared.
  
Some time later, though, as my thoughts lingered after the service and my mind mulled and wandered, I began to feel discouraged and agitated.
    
My husband and I had the opportunity to go out to dinner together and found ourselves at one of my favorite places on earth--- the Seal Beach Pier in Southern California.  We had walked the pier and quietly enjoyed the salt air and the sea sights; but, while sitting in the end-of-the-pier restaurant and waiting for our hamburgers to arrive, my agitation seemed to increase as I reflected more on the funeral.  


My internal state culminated in a frustrated cry of heart and mouth.  In this moment of frustration, I said to my husband, "So, what real impact has my life had on anyone!?  What impact have I had?" 


Almost as soon as I uttered the words, I looked over my husbands left shoulder and out the window behind him.  Immediately my attention was drawn to two dolphins swimming gracefully in the water beyond the restaurant.  As if those dolphins were swimming there just for me!!  Instantly, I felt the Spirit's nudge and say tenderly, "Those dolphins are just swimming.  They are doing exactly what they were created to do!  You are asking the wrong question." 

photo source

You are asking the wrong question...
  
Seconds later, after my husband listened to my frustration-laden question, he said, "Steph, I think you are asking the wrong question."  His words were a literal echo of the Spirit's words to my heart only moment's before.
  
I think Father God had something to say to me!    
  
The wrong question..
  
Okay.  So, if that is the wrong question... what is the right one? 
  
What is the right question, Father... my heart asked in prayer.  And, my husband and I discussed.


That answer felt obvious.  ...as obvious as the dolphins.  They swim.  They hunt for fish.  They procreate and then swim some more.  Certainly their being on this planet has impact... they impact the fish count and the nitrates in the sand.  But, their life is not about impact.  Their life is about just simply being and doing what the Creator made them to be and do.  It is silly to ask what impact they have.  They just are.  And, they are beautiful!  They swim and give God glory just by swimming. 


This isn't the first time God has brought this lesson to mind before... we have had this discussion quite a few times, in fact.

But, the heart message was loud and clear.  


Stephanie, be who and do what I created you to be and to do.  That is it.  And, be it and do it for my glory alone.  Just swim.  


A life is not about the impact.  Although, yes of course, we have impact (for good and for evil.)  Life is about being who God created us to be and doing that which He made us to do.  Impact is secondary, at best.  Life is about walking in relationship with God, being loved by Him and loving Him.  Life is about obedience and doing His will.  I think that life is about obedience within this love relationship.  


Christ came and did only what the Father had Him do (John 8:28,29).  Figuratively speaking, Jesus just swam.  And, it was beautiful.  


So, now I am asking a new question...  Who am I, in You, Father?  And, what have you made me to do?


There are some clear answers I think I am hearing, to be sure... but, I think, this is an on-going dialogue that will likely last a life-time!  

Going Silent for a While

...I am talking to Father God about this blog and my writing here...

I have loved writing here and sharing my journey. For two years, now, I have written 3-4 times a week and God has used this place to solidify and crystallize some sweet, deep lessons in my life.

As I am praying, I am feeling the need to take a break from blogging; and so I will be purposefully going "silent" for a while.

Blessings on you as you continue to watch for Him everywhere... listening for His voice and responding to His gentle love!

~Stephanie

Out of my hands... Into His

My son and I, we held hands today as we walked. His sweet, 9 year old hand in mine. We walked and talked, hands swaying at my side. I love holding his hand.

My husband and I, we held hands the other night while watching a movie. His secure, loving, man-hand holding mine. Just a small touch; but, such a tender touch. I love holding his hand.

I have been thinking about God's hands lately.

Sharing with Father God my worries and fears about the health and healing of my insides after surgery*, I sensed His Spirit showing me a simple picture... His hand.

There are so many things in my life that I try to control. In this journey of physical recovery, I have felt the Lord is nudging me to continue talking to Him about my desire to control.

I have joked that I am a recovering "control freak"; but, He whispers and reminds me this is no joking matter.

Somewhere deep within I work hard to keep my life, and those that I love, under control.

Has there been growth in my life in this area in the last few years? Yes! Absolutely. And, I guess that is why God's Spirit and I can have this dialog at all....

A dialog of complete surrender. A dialog about release. A conversation about trust, the deep and abiding kind of trust that I am learning about, but do not yet know.

The healing of my body is totally and completely "out of my hands". There is nothing, absolutely nothing, I can do to make me all better and healed. Certainly, by resting and being wise with my time and energy I can create an environment to aid in the healing process... the healing process that only GOD can do! There are things, yes, that I can do to open doors; but, in truth only God's hand can do the healing. It is out of my hands!

Isn't this really the truth about all aspects of my life? And, isn't control, my control, a façade anyway.

The whispers of the Spirit have been nudges to remember Who is in control. He is reminding me that nothing is out of His control. Nothing is out of His hands! His hands...

The hands that "laid the foundations of the earth, and the heavens" (Hebrews 1:10)

The hands that, "stretched out the heavens; and marshaled their starry hosts" (Isaiah 45:12)

The hands on which I have been "engraved and marked"...

"Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you! See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are ever before me." (Isaiah 49:16)

These hands that measured the waters are the very same hands that knit me together in my mother's womb. Imagine that for one minute!

These hands that threw the stars into space are the same hands that will guide and hold me fast. (Psalm 139:9-10).

When I remember this Truth, I can trust and my heart is filled with faith. When I recall the Reality that this Great, Almighty God is in control... always in control ... then my fears are stilled and my anxieties relax. I release. I surrender. I trust.

I can ask Him to touch, with those God-hands, that dark unknown world inside my body. I can trust that not only does He see and know, but He touches.

He touches, He guides, He holds and heals with His hands...

"When the sun was setting, the people brought to Jesus all who had various kinds of sickness, and laying his hands on each one, he healed them." Luke 4:40

I love holding His hand.


*three weeks ago I had surgery in order to, Lord willing, bring much relief to my on going struggle with physical pain. (female in nature).

Trust and Thankfulness

As I continue to recover from my operation, I have struggled with fear and discouragement quite a bit this week.

I am realizing that the simple fact that my "insides" are a dark, unseen place ...a place I can not understand, control, or fix... makes me uneasy and afraid.

I can't really know how my insides are recovering! I can't really know if I have been healed or if I am getting better.

But, my Father can and does...

And, this is where I come back to time-and-time-again. ...He knows.

Just last night as I was expressing my fear to the Lord, I wrote in my journal: "Fear not!"
I had read a beautiful chapter in Rose from Brier by Amy Carmichael,

"In the Fear not of our God (a word repeatd in one form or another from Genesis to Revelation) there is power to endure with what at the moment is most lacking in the one to whom it is spoken, be it courage, or the will to endure and to trimph which so easily slips away from us, or just common hope and patience to carry on in peace and joyfulness of spirit."

Fear not! Father God says to His people over and over again. Trust me and know that I am God. Be still. Do not worry. Do not be anxious about anything... I am faithful and good. I am loving and kind. I know you!

These verses are not the trite phrases. NO, these words have been and are life to me today. These Truths are becoming my food!

As many of you know, I have been "counting" my way to 1,000 gifts of grace from God.

It has been good, very good, to continue to count my blessings and grace-gifts.

Along with many others at www.aholyexperience.com, I share with you here a few from my list this week:

#766. Many different tastes from many different kitchens! More food on a plate!

#768. Morning light so very bright through my windows.

#771. Other blog posts that give me hope and encouragement.

#772. Sunshine as it sets and streams in on my face.

#773. Wind blown clouds--- a beautiful display of God's glory!

#774. Feeling stronger each day.

#775. Settling down on the inside.

#776. Learning lessons about keeping my mouth shut!

#780. Dancing 9 year old boy in my bedroom. How cute are you?!

#782. Flowers brought in love. Big, beautiful, yellow-happy flowers.

#784. A sermon online that stirs and teaches.

#787. Just holding his hand. ...touches of love.

#791. Amazing patience I see in my daughter as I am irritable and unkind.

#794. Watching her smile as she watches the movie. ...her eyes smile like her dad's.

#796. A hand of "gin rummy" with my boy.

#801. Gentle words, kind eyes... insisting they keep serving me and bringing my family meals.

#802. A walk in the rain, hand in hand with my son.

"It is probable that in most of us the spiritual life is impoverished and stunted because we give so little space to gratitude.” ~William Temple

Psalm 145:3: Great is the LORD and most worthy of praise; his greatness no one can fathom.

Listen to Your Body

The advice I received when I exited the hospital two weeks ago was, "Listen to you body!"

I have never been very good at listening to my body-- maybe that is part of the reason I ended up flat on my back with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome 10 years ago.

My body takes second string to the other "voices" of my mind, my heart, my wants (or will) and my sinful tendencies. I can easily listen to and hear the many Stephanie-shoulds... the many, many "ought-tos". I compare and judge myself.

To actually listen to the cues that my loving Creator, my Father, has put in my body is a concept that I have struggled with most of my life.

Exhaustion and fatigue come as a second/third/fourth reminder of a general "tiredness" that was the first, gentle nudge to take a rest. What if I just listened more to that first sign of "tiredness"--- of body, of mind, of spirit and or soul? ...never having to get to that exhaustion and fatigue.

Anxiety and "overwhelmed" are second/third/fourth reminders of that general feeling of calculation and control (list making!) red flag that Father God has shown me. What if I heard that "list-making" and "planning" as the first sign to sit for a moment and rest, trust and release it to my Father's hands. Would I never get to Overwhelmed??

I have even found this journey difficult when learning to rightly relate to food. What if I just ate when I was legitimately hungry and stopped when I was truly, physically "politely" full? What happens? I know this one; because in my battle against gluttony and food-lust, this as been the best cure: wait for the God-given clue of a growling stomach and stop when you are full. ...then wait for the growl again. Simple enough, right? For years, this has been my passport to freedom from food's domination. And yet, even here, I have other voices--- other hungers--- that call out and tell me to listen to them!

So, as I recover from my operation, I keep trying to figure out the "when" about this recovery (I want some rules please!)... when can I start to cook, to clean, to walk further and to sit for long periods of time? When should I do this or do that? And, then, my sweet husband reminds me that there is no formula. OH! how I like my formula and rules. There are only guidelines and my body to lead the way--- how ambiguous is that??!

So, I have to be aware of my heart and it's deceitful desires to trick me! And, I have to listen to those love gifts that my kind Father has given me and my body.

Me and my UNIQUE body... which is different than "hers", "his", ...yours. Don't we compare, too? ...which adds to the noise of those other voices.

I can listen to those first, God-given clues of tiredness, calculating, and hunger. ...and maybe I will avoid the exhaustion, the anxiety, and the gluttony. Now, that would be a sight to see!!

Help me, Father! Only You can teach me this. Make me truly aware of my heart, my lusts, and my shoulds. Make me aware of my body and how you have uniquely created it. Teach me and lead me forward in this, I ask.

Today is the day

The sky where I live is always moving. Wind and clouds are an every-day experience here.

I sat and watched the clouds roll by today. Have you ever taken the chance to sit and just watch the clouds? Recently? ...have you taken a long, drawn-out, quiet look?

Today I watched as they slowly moved by--- in one moment blocking the sun's rays and then releasing her shine and heat in the next moment. And, it was glorious! These mundane, "every-day" wind-blown clouds were better entertainment than any fireworks display I recall.

I saw it today.

Most days... maybe everyday... I have these opportunities. I have these moments to see. How often do I look?

Eyes to see. Give me eyes to see these now-moments, Lord.

My friend recently wrote a post about these "eyes to see" moments. I have been reflecting on it since reading her thoughts.

This was to be my "Year of Presence" as I named it in January. 2011 was to be a year to learn more what it meant to be alive and present...to be fully awake and aware. I want to see more! To be more present in the every day "nows" of my every day life--- to have eyes to see these glorious moments amidst the mundane.

I am learning. Slowly, but surely, He is teaching me to see. He is teaching me to stop and look.

"The real problem of the Christian life comes where people do not usually look for it. It comes the very moment you wake up each morning. All your wishes and hopes for the day rush at you like wild animals. And the first job each morning consists simply in shoving them all back, in listening to that other voice, taking that other point of view… Letting that other larger, stronger, quieter life come flowing in. And so on, all day. Standing back from all your natural fussing and fretting coming in out of the wind.”

~C. S. Lewis

Today. Each and every day, the "wind" of the mundane blows those clouds right by my sky. I don't often see them. My fussing and my fretting can so easily draw my attention out of the now ---into yesterday or tomorrow. Instead, I can choose to let that "larger, stronger and quieter life" direct me and flow in me. I can ask Him for eyes to see. I can ask for quiet moments to look, to gaze, to watch.

Give me eyes to see... to really see... Lord.

Food is Love

My sister-in-law has a sweet, funny saying or joke, "Food is love!" Well, this week, I have seen this love!!!

Again, tonight a warm meal arrived at my door at 6:00. In response to my recent operation and my recovery, our family is receiving daily love-gifts. Love comes to my door--- from my friends and neighbors in the beautiful, tangible form of food. Amazing. Humbling. Healthy, filling food. ...healthy, filling love on a plate.

Each week, I join a group of brothers and sisters in counting our way to 1,000 grace-gifts from a kind Father. We are attempting to see God and His gifts throughout our days--and to note them, count them. Each day Father brings "to my door" tangible, warm, amazing love gifts. He pours out daily grace gifts... and I am learning to see them more.

Here are a few on my list from these past two weeks:
#701. Happy kids

#702. Seeing his face as he gets off the train. He is home!

#704. She give him a bouquet of flowers... an offering of love.


#708. My tired man sleeps past his alarm. ...let him sleep, he needs it!

#711. He sits there in the hospital room for days. He reaches out to touch my head ...to let me know he is there.

#712. Hemmed in.

#718. A darling, kind nurse who calls me "darling".

#719. Prayer emails pour in... people are praying. What a blessing!

#721. Chicken soup made with love. Yummy love

#724. Nurses who give dignity even when all pride and modesty go out the window.

#727. Compassionate looks, sad eyes, tender touches from my children.

#728. Flowers dropped by.

#739. He sings to me, "I do all things well!"

#743. Breakfast conversations about deep things, real things, God things.

#746. Forced silenced, reflection, a laying down. Literally.

#747. She keeps checking on me, ...my sweet girl.

#752. Blue skies and dancing green trees outside my window.

#756. A walk in the rain.

#757. Quick forgiveness given. Asked. Given.

#763. He wanted to put my shoes on for me... even after I could do it for myself again.

Join the journey! Join the love feast at www.aholyexperience.com.

*to see more of my lists, more of my counting... just take a poke at the "thankfulness" label on the right hand side---------->

God's singin' again!

Upon waking, I uttered a one sentence prayer, "I am afraid, Father".

I am afraid.

In response to this half-sleep, honest, child like prayer, I believe God sang to me!

Have you ever heard God sing?

My kids and husband are always singing. Truly our house is a constant cacophony of sound. Rhythms are being tapped out, or a beat drummed. ...sounds, whistles, songs or just plain loud talking fills my home. My kids always have a 'song in their hearts'.

I don't.

I like music. I like music a lot, actually. But, unlike the other three members of my family, I NEVER have songs, sounds, and rhythms beating through my mind at all times.

But on Thursday morning, in answer to my sighed-prayer, "I am afraid, Lord", I instantly had a song's verse waft through my mind. ..singing to me. And, it was sweet.

"You made it all, said, "Let there be..." and there was, all that we see. From the sound of Your voice, to the work of Your hands... You do all things well. You do all things well."

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0cl-ge7pEDk

As if a direct, perfect answer to my cry and my prayer, He answered... with Truth. Truth in a song.

I am currently recovering from a much needed operation. You see, pain for me has always meant something was wrong in my body. ...well, something has been wrong in my body for nearly 30 years! And, so recovery from surgery is often a special-push in my trusting Father's goodness and healing.

Not all pain is bad pain...

Right now, I feel pain ...normal recovery pain... and can I worry or fear. I worry that this will never end. I fear that something else has gone wrong. I fear that it wasn't fixed. That infamous, "waiting for the other shoe to drop" has been a struggle this week.

As I experience these tough emotions,though, I feel as if the Father is calmly taking my face into His cupped hands (as I might do to my upset or sad 12 year old daughter). With kind, gentle, merciful eyes He is singing to me, "I made it all! I do all things well!"

I have plans for you, Stephanie. And, my plans for you are not to harm you... they are for your good and for my Glory! Trust me. Do you know I love you?

His faithful love endures forever. His mercies are new every morning. He does all things well. And, this morning I am not afraid.

A picture for me

So, he got this "picture" for me.

I don't get pictures. I more normally hear God's voice through His written Word or a "sense" of His voice "saying" something. A word, a nudge ...or more usually just an idea, or a thought comes to my mind and it feels "from the Spirit"-- not from me. Once in a while, I just simply "know" something that I wouldn't-or shouldn't know. Is this just Wisdom? I don't know. I am learning.

Learning to hear God's voice is such a journey; like learning any new language. It takes a long time. It takes a lot of practice, a lot of time, and a lot of gumption! And, my friend had gumption enough to share his picture with me.

I don't come from a charismatic-friendly church background. "Hearing from God" was a, sometimes stated, but always believed, "no-no". Certainly we weren't encouraged to look for God outside of the Bible. But, I can't adhere to that way of thinking anymore. And, actually, most of the leaders who led me at that time don't either. I am finding in my journey with Father God, maker of Heaven and Earth, Father of my Lord Jesus Christ; that He can do and act and speak just as He pleases. And, He is very creative! God's creativeness extends beyond the reading of His written Word! (and let me be very clear how important--essential, foundational, centering, and unquestionable--I believe God's written Word (the Holy Bible) is to His people!! I do.)

Jesus, Himself, was the "alive" Word of God. ...not written! Jesus was the Logos, the Word-became-flesh-God! He was breathing, living, active and speaking... And, Christ told us that we also get the amazing gift of the Spirit (again,an alive! and active! person) who will "lead us into all Truth" (John 14:26).

He does speak today. ...all the time. ...and in so many ways!

It is the learning curve of listening and hearing that makes it difficult. We, rightly so, shy away from the classic-'thus-saith-the-Lord' approach; because, frankly, that is scary stuff. Even dangerous! And, one must be very, very certain that the Lord is 'thus-saying-it' to be so bold. I don't find myself with that much confidence very often at all. Sometimes, I suppose, I do. Sometimes it feels that clear to me. Usually, though, in those confident cases... I feel Him speaking that clearly to me ...about me. So, I can more boldly say to myself, 'thus saith the Lord!' and feel on safer ground.

Okay, enough of the theological rambling on the voice of God! I was writing about my friend's picture.

So, he got a picture for me.

He was slightly timid (which is not his nature), or maybe a bit shy, in sharing it ...which again may be wisdom at work. I don't know. But, he took to heart what he "saw" and "heard", he had hid it away for a day, and then he just had to share with me.

And, I am so glad he did!

On the Tuesday before my surgery (which I am recovering from right now!!), I wrote briefly about the journey through Psalm 139 that Father had been taking me. Father had been sweetly reminding me that He knew me intimately. He had been whispering into my heart, day-after-day, that I was "hemmed-in". In fact, the words "hemmed-in" had so vividly jumped off the page that I had to sit and research what they meant in the original language written. I don't use the words hemmed-in pretty much ever in my every-day speech, do you?

It was a sweet gift from my Father to remind me that He was squeezing me in a protective hug. He was before me and behind me.

On Wednesday, my friend gently shared a picture with me that he did not understand. He thought, in fact, it seemed a bit silly. Odd. He had been praying for me on Tuesday morning and had "received" this image in his mind-eye while praying... and it was accompanied with a few words he didn't really get either. He didn't share it right away on Tuesday. But, on Wednesday, he did.

...he hadn't read my blog post on Psalm 139. And, I had not shared with him my Psalm 139 journey of late.

He had seen me lying in a little, tight, (almost uncomfortably small) green field with little yellow flowers. I was laying there peacefully with a white picket fence surrounding me. That was the picture. Simple. A bit odd. But, he felt it was maybe from God.

The minute he began to describe the picture... the very minute... the words popped into my mind, "Hemmed-in!". I knew God had given him that picture. It was the perfect picture! And, tears began to well in my eyes.

To top-it-off, my friend then said, "And, I had words with the picture". But, he was giggling just a bit... because the words made no sense to him at all. He just knew he had to say them. He said, "the picture came with the words: 'hemmed-in, behind and before'.

Pause. After he spoke the words, a Big, Silent, Holy Pause filled the room as tears filled my eyes.

Did you hear that? Did God just do that? For me?!!

Father had tenderly spoken words of peace to me for days. (I had written that very verse "hemmed in, behind and before" in my journal some three separate times that week!) And, then, just to be VERY clear with His message to me, Father spoke the very same words with a beautiful, peaceful picture to my friend.

Oh, Father you wanted me to know... to really know... that You were holding me, surrounding me, besieging me with Love!

The day of the surgery and the following few days after I needed these words and this picture. The picture and the words floated around my mind and my body for days. This concept of my being "hemmed-in" encircled me. What a gift!

He is alive and active, this beautiful-awesome God we love, we serve and we worship! He speaks. He knows. He speaks!!

I believe God spoke and my friend saw this picture for me. And I am so glad he did.