Remembering

Early in my marriage I was given many pieces of advice. Some of the horrid advice given was truly laughable... and some suggestions were gems, diamond-suggestions. One piece that I still use today was that whenever I was angry at my husband, or when he had hurt me in some way, I should take the time to make a list of the things about him that I loved, or things about him that were "his good qualities".

Whether the list be actual or mental, I still do this often. And, it always blesses my heart and softens me toward him; for, there are things about my husband that are true and beautiful. And, those things are not usually the points I am focusing on when I am angry... so it is always a good idea to purposefully remember.

It has been a hard week for me emotionally. Not that my Father in heaven has hurt me, exactly, ...nor am I particularly angry with Him. I don't feel angry. But, I do find myself a bit confused with Him, His world, and His plans. So, I sat still again today, seeking His face. As I sat with Him this afternoon, a very wonderful thing happened. It was as if He began to "make the list" for me. Reminding me. Whispering "his good qualities" into my heart, He spoke to me as I read today in Psalm 145. He reminded me of things that are true and beautiful about who He is.

And, it blessed me deeply.

The Lord, I read, is great and worthy of praise! (Psalm 145)

The Lord is compassionate... this helped me remember that He is tender toward my sadness and my confusion. He is tender toward my friends who are suffering. His eyes, if I could see them, would fill with tears as I shared my heart with Him.

The Lord is good... this reminded me that His very nature is lightness and goodness. When I don't understand why He is doing one thing or another, I can rest and rely on His simple goodness. I know His motives are good and His plans are good.

The Lord is faithful... this helped me remember that His plans are far reaching, eternal and beyond this world, (and my world and understanding). He is faithful through all time and is working to make all things right in His time.

The Lord is righteous... again this points to His motives. Compassion is empty without righteousness. Righteousness and goodness make the acts of love and tenderness pure and selfless. His kindness and compassion flow from a pure and righteous heart and being. He is set a part from me and right in all He does.

The Lord is near... this, I must say, was my favorite reminder today. He is near. My husband has been away working this week, but he hasn't been very far away geographically... almost around the corner. Because of work, I haven't heard from him much at all, but it has been sweet knowing he is near. Nearness is tenderness and compassion at it's best. A touch is what we all need. And, my Father is near me. And today He touched me.

Thank you for the list, today, Father. Thank you for reminding me again of who You are... My mouth will speak in praise to the Lord.

Rain and Sunshine

The sky, in this land I am living, is always moving and changing. Beautifully blue this morning, it is now raining. Raining hard. ... and I know that at any moment it could change.

As I watched the rain today I was reminded of a verse... where is that one? I can't remember where in the Word, but I know it says that God allows the sun and the rain on the righteous and on the unrighteous... or something like that. Rain and Sun. Both allowed. Both fall on those who worship Him and on those who do not.

I have had a hard time reconciling the rain and sunshine this week. The deep hardships of dear friends, the wars, the floods, and the sickness of the world are a confusing scene when the backdrop is my lovely children picking the apples on my garden's apple tree. How do the two live so intimately together? How can I be so sad, and the world be so ugly AND beautiful all at the same time?

I wash dishes and smile as I hear the playing of piano. My eight year old is creating and making the most beautiful music... and then moments later, only moments later, I am reminded of the sadness, the loss, the grief and I begin to cry. Tears and smiles. Rain and Sun. How are they to live together? Where is the harmony?

But, there is harmony, isn't there? I feel it. I sense it. And, I know it resides in a forever, ever Present, all-knowing, good and loving Father. My deep-within-gut seems to know something of peace that my heart is struggling with.

... finding myself annoyed at my emotional ups and downs, my fragile heart, my tenderness... and yet my gut feels that it is right. The ups and downs are reality. Life is both beautiful and ugly. ...together. Complex.

Is this how it is for Him to watch, to live among us, to walk with us? Is this what Father feels everyday, all day. Smiles and tears. Laughter and weeping. Sunshine and Rain.

I don't know. But it is what I am feeling today... watching the wild sky and wondering what will come next... the smile or the tears. Will the sunshine shine brilliantly or will the clouds let loose and pour out with force...
"He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous" (Matthew 5:45)

Equilibrium

"I can't think of anything worth saying... but I know I owe you my life" (Aaron Shust)

My equilibrium is off. Not physically, but spiritually and emotionally. I am out-of-sorts and unbalanced. I feel unstable and maybe a bit confused. I am tired and cranky. And, my thoughts are random and distracted.

"Dazed and confused. Calloused and bruised. My spirit is left wanting something more.." (Aaron Shust writes in his "Give Me Words to Speak") And, he sings words that seem to connect to my heart.

What words do I have?

I just read a quote by Blaise Pascal and a light bulb went off for me, "All human evil comes from a single cause, man's inability to sit still in a room. All men's miseries derive from not being able to sit in a quiet room alone."

I think I need to sit still. I need the muddied waters of my soul, my mind, and my heart to settle down. I need to think. I need to feel. I think I just need to sit still.

Last night I had the opportunity to sit quietly in a room... alone. And, I just didn't take it. I turned on a movie and added to the noise, the imbalance, to the chaos that is my heart.

Why do I run from it? Why don't I take those sweet stolen moments the Father gives to me, those quiet moments... that I know will set me right, or in the least begin the process of "righting" my balance.

In part, I think I am trying to run from the pain, from the sadness that still lingers in my heart from this week's difficult and sad news. I think, in part, the outside noise drowns out the chaotic flow of thoughts and questions raging in my heart right now. ... this is easier, right?--- to live in the noise and the business of life, ignoring the presence of overwhelming questions and unanswerable issues of life.

But I know better. I really do. I know that I need to sit still and just think. I need to feel those hard feelings. I need to ask those difficult questions of my Father. I need to quiet down and let silence, solitude, and His Presence do a work that noise and activity will never accomplish.

...to set my equilibrium right. For, I am a bit off today.

"Give me words to speak, don't let my spirit sleep. Cuz I can't think of anything worth saying... but I know I owe you my life."

It often cheers my heart to think that since the Lord made me he can put me right, and keep me so to the end.
- Charles Spurgeon

How can a touch not matter?

So, I wondered a few times this week... was all this energy worth it?
Already tired and emotionally strained... I wondered many times throughout the week, does this really matter?

Working at our church's summer club, an event that welcomes children from the community to come and hear about God, my body was tired and my patience was stretched.... does it matter, Lord? Is this worth my time and effort?

I only have to think that thought for a few short minutes before a screaming, "yes! it matters!" pierces my soul. ... and I remember...

25 years ago it mattered in my life. Tremendously. The future of my soul, and my life, was changed at one of these "youth" events! Did the workers then ever wonder if it mattered? I bet they did.

But their work, the silly events, the pizza and the sweets did matter. My life was touched and I was introduced to Truth... to my Father. And, my life has never been the same.

But still, tired and strained this week, I pulled myself out of bed and made my way to the church wondering, Is this really worth it?

And, then his little blue eyes looked up at me with intention and focus (he is only 5 years old). After hearing the story of Jesus on the cross from up front he turned to me and said, He died? His little face was distinctly touched by the news that Jesus died... and he was sad at the news.

Oh!, I said, but that is not the end of the story! ...keep listening! And then they shared about Jesus' resurrection and that He is alive today. And, his face changed instantly. He turned to me again, checking for understanding, and asked, "He is alive? Now?!" Yes, I told him, and He wants to be your friend, your mate!

After the story time, returning to our small groups, this little guy spent the next 5 minutes explaining, with keen excitement, to the other five year olds in our group, that Jesus died but now He was alive!!

Does this matter? Is this worth it?! How can this not matter? I don't wonder today. How can this moment, this touch, not mean more to our Father than any extra sleep for me!

Even if He doesn't

Even if He doesn't.

This is what my brothers, Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego said to their king Nebuchadnezzar. The king asks them, with a sneer you can read in his words, "What god will be able to rescue you from my hand?"

And theses bold brothers answer Him, "If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and he will rescue us from your hand, O king. But even if he does not, we want you to know, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up." (Daniel 3)

Our God is able! If we get sick, our God is able! If we get lost, our God is able! If we get stuck, our God is able!

Our God is able to cure any cancer and heal all disease... My God is able to dispel depression and fix any marriage. My God is able to bring any soul to salvation and rescue any man from a lion's den! My God is able to rescue me from any king, any furnace, or any hand. This I know as sure as I know anything.

They told the king God was able. And then they pause and say... But even if He doesn't

Even if He doesn't... He is still worthy of all my praise. He is still worthy of all my worship. He is still good. And, He is still in control. He is the Creator of the Heaven and the Earth. He sits on His throne and His faithfulness endures forever.

My God is able. Simply put... He can. And often, He does! But, sometimes He doesn't. And even if He doesn't, I will still worship Him.

Even if He didn't.

Flood of Tears

Tears finally came today. ...and they rushed out of my soul like a flood. Tears don't come easily to me--- not that I don't feel sad often enough to cry... I do, of course; but, I have never been very good at crying. So, when tears DO come, they flow like a torrent. Today I had a tsunami of tears. From my gut, from deep within, I wept.

I wept with my friend, who must sit up nights and watch her little one in a hospital bed, begging for our Father to heal. I wept with my friend, wondering what she must have felt as she stood before the gun... knowing she was next in line for death. I wept.

As I thought of this friend, dead now and in a white robe before Our Father's throne, I remembered what it says about those martyred for their faith. As I wept, my heart recalled:

"I saw under the altar the souls of those who had been slain because of the word of God and the testimony they had maintained. They called out in a loud voice, "How long, Sovereign Lord, holy and true, until you judge the inhabitants of the earth and avenge our blood?" Then each of them was given a white robe, and they were told to wait a little longer, until the number of their fellow servants and brothers who were to be killed as they had been was completed." (Revelation 6)

And as I wept, I prayed. I prayed, "Avenge her blood, Lord!" "Avenge her!" my soul cried out to God. How do I put in words what my soul prayed this morning. ... The vengeance, or justice, that I was asking for was none other than the salvation of a nation. I was asking God to avenge her blood by doing that which her murderers hated so much... bring Your kingdom to that land, Father!! Pour out Your spirit and bring many to faith. Rip the nation from their hands, from the hands of darkness, and give the people Your light! My gut was calling out for justice and I believe the heart of my Father heard my cry.

Avenger her blood, O kind, just and merciful Father. May Your kingdom come in that land. Would You pour down and rip away that land from the enemy. Tear the people away from a lie and bring Your truth! Do this Father, I pray!!

Wait a little longer... he says. Just a little longer, He tells His people.

And now I walk through this day asking the Lord how I can live rightly. How do I live my life in a worthy manner, a life worthy of the calling for which she died? So that... I might, by His grace, sit up late at night watching a loved one sick in a hospital bed. Or, so that... I may face a gun and trust in Him alone.

The tears came and now, I feel an urgency in my soul to live my life with Him as my all, my only, and my hope.

Really, Lord?

Really? "Really, Lord?"... my soul sighed as I heard the third piece of devastating and difficult news today.

No tears have come. Not yet. Just a deep sadness sits in my gut. And a rumbling of emotion making its way up to the brink of overflow. My eyes begin to fill, my heart hurts ... And, then... well, then it is time to make lunch. Or, laundry to be done. Right?

Really, Lord? My heart says to my Father today. Not angry. Confused, yes. Overwhelmed, I guess. Frustrated? ... okay, maybe angry, too. I don't know.

But, certainly sad. I am sad. And, I want these "notices" of suffering to stop. Enough already!!

Was it enough to have my teenage friend struggle with a serious long term illness? Was it enough to hear about my little 6 year old friend diagnosed with leukemia?? Was it enough to hear about the baby that was born and didn't live through the night? No, now it was a martyr. A friend. CNN has a list and her name is on it. But, she isn't just a name to be sad over... sad enough as it is. She was my friend. She slept in my house and ate my scrambled eggs.

It is hard to understand how to grieve rightly. ...or what to feel. ...or what to say. ...or what can you do? ...

And, then to see God's hand amidst the pain makes it even more confusing. Yes, Father, already I have seen the provisions, the faithfulness, Your presence... and from my heart moments of worship have welled up from my deep. Already I can point to answers of prayer. But, why the pain, Father? It is hard to worship You and at the same time watch the pain and suffering. To see the pain and suffering right along side the provision is hard for my mind. It feels too complex. I don't know whether to be angry and confused with You, Father, or to worship and thank You... both are readily available.

So, I guess I will do both. As Job did... I will worship and I will question. I will raise my hands in praise and thanksgiving. I will place my hand over my mouth and I will cry in frustration.

For I know that You know where every lightening bolt will go, you know where the water will flow and you tell it when to start and stop... You know every day of our lives.

You know my teen friend, my 6 year old friend, my young mother-friend, and my martyred friend. You know them by name. You saw them rise out of bed and You have gone before them and are behind them. I know this all too well ..and I am sad, Lord. I don't get it. I am frustrated and yet, strangely led to worship, as well. I have seen, already, the provision... Your faithfulness, Your strength, and Your peace.

Gone fishin'

I am out of town and out of computer range for two weeks... "See you" when I get back.

What WILL I do when I have a blog idea bumping around in my little head?!!??

Words without meaning

Sweet words were spoken today.

Words being said. Special words. Sacred words.

And, yet they seemed to be spoken with no apparent meaning. These words, though full of life and beauty, were empty and lifeless. Special words were nonchalant. Sacred words were rote and read from a page.

Today, I believe, I witnessed what God said in Isaiah 29, "The Lord says: "These people come near to me with their mouth and honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me. Their worship of me is made up only of rules taught by men."

I watched mouths moving without a heart involved and it saddened me deeply.

This morning I was privileged to be invited to a baptism service of a young boy, my neighbor. As his appointed "godparents" stood up in front of the congregation, they read from a piece paper many beautiful words of Truth. ...proclaiming who Christ was and the sacrifice He made on the cross. In a monotone voice and rote way they professed their personal acceptance of Jesus and they committed to raise this little boy to be a man of faith.

But, I know better. Simply put, they just don't know or love God. They do deeply love my little neighbor boy, but they do not love Jesus. And, though I am keenly aware of the fact that I cannot see their hearts, my educated guess is that their hearts are very far from Him.

Hearts far from Him. ... this grieves the Lord.
To worship Him just with words ... this angers Him.
To worship simply by tradition ... this deeply saddens my Father in Heaven.

When do I worship Him this way? I wonder today. When do I say words I don't mean... or act in ways that are not true to my heart? When, Father, do I worship you with my words alone? Or, "go to church" or "have my quiet time" simply because I always do... not because You deserve worship.

...not because I love to, long to, or I just must worship You!

Oh have mercy on us, kind Father. Our hearts are far from You! Have mercy on me, dear Father. Draw me near to You. Light again today the passion in my heart for You and for Your glory.

Sunshine and Rain

Sunshine and rain.

Rarely do they go together. But, when they do... it is spectacular!

I sat today. A moment of quiet. While I waited for my children's lessons to be through, I sat in the rain.

The rain was pounding on the top of my car. The noise itself drowned out and interrupted the music coming from my CD player. It was a massive downpour. And, then, all of a sudden the sun began to shine. It kept raining. But, the sun was shining on the rain. While it poured, the sun lit up the rain all around me. It was remarkable.

God's amazing beauty and glory was shining forth that very moment. ...as the rain poured down.

I wonder if that is what it might be like when we "rejoice in suffering" or "count it pure joy my brothers when you face trials of many kind".

The dark, ominous, loud rain was softened and brightened... breathtaking and beautiful...

Is this what might happen to my sorrows, my trials, my disappointments?

Would they change colors and be radiant if I saw them through joyful lenses, a thankful heart, and knowledge of God's goodness and Glory.

What if I noticed His light shining on my pain? What if the sunshine, the glory of God, shone down on all my rain. Wouldn't it make my trials beautiful? Might there be rejoicing in the suffering, if the "rain" looked that beautiful in God's glory?

When the sun peered through the clouds and shone brilliantly on the rain today, I instinctively looked for a rainbow. I didn't see one. But, I knew that there was a real possibility that there was one... there could be one... there might be one any minute now!

... isn't that hope? What welled up in my heart that quiet moment in the rain was joy, awe and hope. What would this sunshine... these things... joy, awe, and hope do to my personal "rain"?

Sunshine and rain. God's beauty shining through.

Beautiful Laughter

Laughter filled our car and our souls. I laughed so hard that my stomach began to ache and my face was hurting from smiling. The laughter welling up within would finally begin to die down and one of my kids, or my husband, would say something even a little funny... and the laughter would burst forth with power. The car was booming with giggles and belly laughs.

I will say we do laugh a lot in our family. But, those moments are priceless and beautiful. Those moments are almost frozen in time. Frozen in my memory are the sounds, the jokes, the music of laughter from the back seat, the look on his face--- her face---, the "stop" that I yell at my husband through laughter so that the "laughter-torture" will cease. ... sweet and priceless.

I wonder what Jesus looked like when He laughed? What does God's laughter sound like?

Certainly He does laugh, right? He IS exceedingly joyful and happy. John Piper describes Christ, "as always indestructibly happy." And, Proverbs declares that He was beside God, the Father at Creation, "daily his delight, rejoicing before him always". And, again, in Hebrews Christ is described as being "anointed with God's oil of gladness". Gladness. Joy. Happiness.

Just as tears are an outlet for anger, sadness, and frustration; laughter is one physical outlet for joy, happiness, and contentment. And, certainly God created it in us. Yes, indeed, I do believe that the Son of Man laughed. What might it have looked like to see Him laugh?! I wish we had a record of it. I wish I could know what His face might look like or what His laugh sounded like.

When He laughed, did His side ever ache? Did His head fall back and His mouth gape open as He laughed? Did His laugh sound deep like a storm, like thunder or a crashing wave? Or, does God's laugh sound light and sing-songy like a bird? Or does He laugh like my son who laughs almost without sound... just air coming forth from His mouth? I wonder, Did He cover His mouth like I do when I laugh? or did He snort like my sweet daughter will do from time to time? What did Jesus sound like when He laughed?

I like to imagine it. It brings peace to my heart to think of my sweet Jesus laughing.

Did He laugh with us yesterday as our bellies hurt and our faces grew sore from smiling? I like to wonder what joy He was feeling as laughter filled our car and was medicine for our souls.

Same theme different dream

Cars speeding past me, honking and headlights flashing. Noise. Confusion. A near miss as I sit unsheltered and facing the wrong way on the road.

I awoke with a heavy heart. Again I found myself in the same, but different, dream. This theme! A theme that is following me into my sleep. In this version, on this night, I was trying to drive somewhere and kept getting lost. I couldn't find my way. I knew I was getting close and then I would make a wrong turn. I kept finding myself driving even on the wrong side of the road with traffic horns screaming at me as oncoming cars avoid my wayward vehicle.

Am I "off" somewhere, Lord? Am I wayward? As I sat before the Lord and brought Him this dream and the heaviness that accompanied it, I felt a tenderness in His Presence that was unmistakable. I sensed Him speaking again to me through the passage in Mark 8. But, this time the emphasis of the passage was not the "bread" or the earthy distractions. He was reminding me in a whisper of His Word, what He wanted to tell the disciples that day, "Be careful. Watch out for the yeast of the Pharisees" (v. 15) Be careful, Stephanie. The yeast of the Pharisees is strong.

In my attempt, my strong desire, my passion for perfection and holiness I, too, can so often and so easily become a Pharisee. I can measure, like the best of them. And, keep track. And, make rules. And, punish and self-punish... just like the Pharisees. I can hide darkness on the inside with a whitewash on the out. I can give a burden to a friend instead of lifting the load. I can judge and calculate. I can "figure" and plan, like the best Pharisee.

In my struggle against sin, my personal sin. ...a wandering heart, a harsh word, a rude thought, an indulgent dive into food, a judgmental thought... In my struggle against personal sin, I can tend to punish myself and then start to "make rules".

I begin to write my very own "Talmud" and concoct my own interpretations and law...

I think the motivation is love. I think my motivation is a desire to be closer to the Father and "more like Christ"; and yet, in reality I find myself slightly lost, wayward and missing the mark... much like the misplaced car. Trying so hard to get to holiness and purity, I have lost my way. The law does not save. Simple as that. And, certainly, my own personal "laws" don't save either.

I must surrender. I must depend. I must release and fall. I must be raised only by Christ and cling to His cross. I must run to the gospel for strength and transformation. This is where I will find true freedom, I know. I must nail my laws, my plans, my "Talmud" to this cross. And, then I must stand in and on grace alone.

Grace alone. His righteousness alone. If I am to boast about anything, let it be in Christ alone. This is the road. This is the way.

Bread thoughts distract

Rushing in like the quick rising tide come the thoughts that distract...

...what should I make for dinner, oops, I forgot to pull the chicken out to thaw? Or, I wonder if those new pair of jeans I just ordered will fit?... Or I think the I just heard the washer finish, time to hang the laundry... or ... "better yet" I just can't seem to loose any weight... I really need to start watching what I eat... or.... I wonder what *she* meant when she said that?

All these "earthy" thoughts and so many more come rushing in... unexpected and yet un-deflected. They each rush in, take a seat and then stay awhile in my mind as I muse and ponder them during my "time with the Lord".

I am so bound to this earth. Wean me, Lord, from this earth... I prayed a few months back.

And yet, I remain so attached, so engulfed, so amused, and so drawn-in to the things of this earth.

On one level, I must. I live here. I cook. I clean. I eat. I sin. I interact with other humans all day long. And, I pound the pavement of this earthy-place day-in and day-out.

But attached? Must I be. Engulfed by? Must it be this way? Must my mind be taken away from prayer, from worship, and from contemplation by the thought of a pair of jeans. ... Must it be this way?!

The Spirit of God brought me to a passage in His Word today. Again, nothing new. But today I believe it was a fresh word from His heart to mine. As I struggled through the distracting thoughts of today... I remembered Jesus' words I had read last week. In speaking to His disciples in Jesus says, "Why are you talking about having no bread? Do you still not see or understand? Are your hearts hardened?... and don't you remember?" (Mark 8)

The disciples are in the boat with Jesus... ("their quiet time!" if you will). And, He attempts to teach them a heart-lesson, an important spiritual truth, "Be careful. Watch out for the yeast of the Pharisees" (v. 15)

Immediately upon hearing His words, their minds go to the physical, the seen, the earth. ..."It is because we have no bread", they think... they worry, they wonder. Like Jesus is really that worried that they forgot the bread!! Or, like Jesus is really that worried about the few pounds I have put on, the chicken thawing, or the jeans that are in the mail. Why? Jesus asks them. Why? ...are you talking about bread!?

Why? Why, Stephanie, are you worrying about dinner or thinking about laundry. The laundry will be with you always but we have this moment together!! The jeans will fray and rot. Any food will do to fill your bellies! Why? ...Stephanie, why sweet one, are you still talking about bread?!

They missed the moment with Jesus on the boat. How many moments do I miss with Jesus? They missed what He was trying to teach them. Oh, my sweet Jesus, I don't want to miss your teaching moments.

I know my Father cares for all aspects of my life. I know He is thrilled when I talk to Him throughout my day about dinner dishes, laundry, and the flowers blooming in my yard. I believe this is key to my relationship with Him. BUT, there are times to sit and listen. Stop and focus. There are times to be quiet. "on your bed at night search your heart and be silent" (Psalm 4)

Silence those wandering thoughts, Stephanie, and don't miss what I want to show you here and now. Don't miss your time in the boat with me. Fix your eyes not on what is seen, but what is unseen. Stop for a minute and look at what is eternal, not the temporary (2 Corin. 4:18). Don't you understand? Jesus says to my heart today. Don't you remember?

Spirit of God, when those distracting thoughts, those earthy things, come rushing in... Oh Father, teach me to stop and listen. I don't want to talk about bread anymore!! I want to remember you feed the five thousand!! Turn the tide of thoughts and guard me from the flood. Teach me to focus and the hear You. Remind me of Truth and help me to understand! I don't want to miss those sweet, stolen moments with You in the boat.

Journeys and Dreams

I dreamt last night. I dreamt a lot. I had four very different dreams all with the same theme and the same ending...

I woke up tired. And in prayer...

In each dream I was trying to get somewhere, a very specific destination, and I just kept getting lost. Working hard and drawing on all my knowledge of the certain area I was dreaming about, I would make my way toward the destination and still find myself lost and the desired destination far-off. And, throughout each dream, and at the end of every dream, I ended up at the same starting place.

Frustration filled my night. The "starting place" was a fearful place, a bad place, but I wasn't afraid in the dream. I was just frustrated. Each time I would end up in that "same" place, I would feel utterly defeated, deflated and discouraged. "I am here AGAIN!?" And, I knew that "that same place" was so far from the destination I was so eagerly working my way toward... and then I would wake up.

I have been talking much lately with the Father, and those I who are close to me, about this journey of faith. Is it long, arduous, and utterly frustrating at times? Yes. Is it full of blessing, peace, victory and joy? Absolutely. Ahh... but it is both.

I am not entirely certain why this has been a recent topic of conversation for me and my Lord... maybe a "mid-life" mini-crisis of sorts as I look back now on 20 years of faith. Where have I come from? Where am I going? And, why do I often "end up in the same place". ...same sins, or at least the same roots of insecurity, pride, doubt, and fear.

Unlike the dreams, where I just couldn't seem to get anywhere... I couldn't move forward... this has not been my experience in my faith-journey. In fact, I rejoice in the truth that I have come a long way. Truly, I can hardly recognize the Stephanie of 20 years ago. In these 20 years, I have known significant victory, deep peace, and genuine joy. And yet, ... And yet. I have such a long way to go. The "destination" of holiness, awareness, and heaven feel far-off.

And, sometimes I feel lost along the way. And sometimes I feel tired. And, yes, often I feel frustrated.

But... as I fell asleep each time last night, I continued on. I pressed forward and "hated" that "same place". I kept trying and kept moving forward. And, so I do today in my faith journey. I will press forward and by grace alone I will arrive at my final destination! Thank you, my dear Jesus, for securing this truth and this hope!

"...to follow Jesus is to take the high road to Calvary. Littered along the Calvary road will lie skeletons of our egos, the corpses of our fantasies of
control, and the shards of self righteousness, self-indulgent spirituality,and unfreedom."
~Brennan Manning, The Signature of Jesus

More Gardening Lessons

As I was sitting in the quiet of my prayer shed outside, the chatter of their talk broke into the silence and invaded. A friend had come into our garden/yard and, at our request, was explaining to my husband what to do with the myriad of plants we were meant to care for (and have NO idea what to do with !).

Slightly annoyed by the noise of this gardening lesson, I attempted to ignore the conversation and continue with my intercession. As the instructions continued, it quickly became clear that I wasn't going to be able to focus with them so close to my "quiet spot". Naturally, then, I began to listen in, my head still bowed in prayer... but my attention on the words coming from our neighbor-friend.

I could hear her voice, gentle and light in tone: Cut it back here. Trim this one. Yes, that needs to be pulled right out. No, that plant is not a weed-- that one is on purpose. That needs to be trimmed in the Autumn. ...This one you can cut right down to the ground. Has that one flowered yet? These two need to be separated or the one will take over the other. After you see that one flower, then you can cut it back. Don't cut it too far. OH! Cut, that one right down to the base...

The thought struck me, with a smile, that maybe this might be what it was like to hear a conversation within the Trinity. I began to wonder if that was what it might sound like as the Father, the Son and the Spirit conversed about their kids. Did they talk with each other in this manner? Did they talk about how to trim, and how far to cut? Did they rejoice over the "flowers" they had seen on "this one" in the early Spring? Did they discuss the plans and gently decide on the best "good" pruning that was necessary?

Or was this what it might sound like if God were speaking to me about my spiritual life... No, that is not a weed--- that one is on purpose!! Yes, you had flowers in this area of your life and now it is time to trim that back. Oh, my Stephanie, we need to cut that out! ...and pull that one right out!

Early this morning, I spoke with a few friends on the phone. Both these ladies have been growing and "flowering" much lately. Over the years, I have seen much growth and have gloried in the work that God has done in them. And interestingly enough, both of these ladies are right now feeling the trimming, the pruning, and the weeding that is deeply painful in their every day life. They are feeling the Father's good hand as He purges and re-shapes them. ...But it doesn't "feel" so good, that is for sure! Pruning hurts...

And, as a "beginner" gardener, I know it isn't fun to cut back those pretty bushes. It isn't pleasing or fun to cut a rose bush, only weeks ago fragrant and plentiful, ...to cut it back to its bare stump... leaving it pitiful looking and ugly. But, I am learning it is the very best thing I can do if I am to truly care for my garden.

"Just hack!" our Gardner friend said, when she was explaining the process.

Can I say this freely to God? Just hack, Lord. Hack away at the flowered stems, the fruited branches and the budded limbs. Just hack, Lord and pull and weed those places that are becoming overgrown and full of nasty roots that will kill. Yank. Pull. Trim. Shape. Hack.

Can we trust our Father to know when to leave the plant alone and when to trim "just enough to shape"... and when to just hack away?!

As I listened to the chatter of gardening instructions outside my prayer shed, I began again to pray for my friends I began to ask the Lord to water, to trim and to hack when necessary. I began to entrust these dear ones into His good, wise and loving hands. I remembered that it was He that planted them, has watered them, and He that continues to do all things necessary for their growth.

As I sat in my prayer shed, the beautiful chatter that broke into my solitude was exactly what the Father wanted to invade. Thank you, Father, for another gardening lesson today.

You said

I needed to hear what the Father was saying to me. I needed time away. My daughter said, in a half-joking manner, "Mom, you need a spiritual retreat!" I truly cringe sometimes when she says things like that (true or not). A real part of me doesn't want her to grow up thinking her mom was weak... and, yet, well... I am weak. I know that. And, I suppose (though it pokes at my pride) her knowing my weakness it is not so bad--- especially when she knows the solution is a few days away with the Lord.

So, I went away for a two day spiritual retreat. It had been planned for months... time set aside this week for me. ...next week for my husband. In attempting to describe my time away, my sweet daughter told our neighbor I went on a vacation with God. ...a long weekend away with my Father! And, that is exactly what I did.

I slept a lot. I prayed a lot. I sat and thought. I wrote. I stared into space. I worshipped. I walked. I sat. I thought. I prayed. I just was ...all with Him.

It is amazing what comes bubblin' up from the soul when given space, time, and quiet. Often times when I take these retreats away, I start with a "review" of sorts. What has God been whispering lately? What are the themes? What is repeated in my journal these past few months? And, that is where I usually start. ...a good starting point, I find.

And then I attempt to talk with the Father about these things in more depth. I sit and think. I ask and pray. I listen and read. I write.

The few days were full... and sweet... and powerful.

One thing that seemed to happen about half way through my two day retreat, was a "chorus" of sorts that was streaming through my heart and mind of things--- True things--- God had said or has been saying to me for a long while now. Truths that I have heard for years. Truths I needed to hear again.

I wrote, "You said" at the top of my journal page... followed by two pages of Truth that He has spoken over me, in personal whispers from His Spirit and through His Word. The more I wrote down the Truth, the more Truth flowed. It was like fuel for a fire or water for thirst.

Our God is constantly speaking. His Word spoke creation into being, His Word became flesh, His Word is living and active, and His Word lives in me today. His Spirit leads me into all Truth and He desires Truth to reign in my inner being. This is One thing, one of the many things, He is constantly "at work" doing. He is speaking. ... speaking and repeating Himself, over and over again.

I am so glad He reminded me again of His Words of Truth and Life. I want to listen more to what He says. I need to hear what the Father has to say to me.

Wear your suffering, you Crowned One

In Kazakh culture, the meaning of your name has deep significance. Parents of an unborn child wrestle with name choice not based on the sound of the name (or whether they "like" or dislike a certain name), as was my experience in American culture, but on the meaning.

Before moving to Kazakhstan in 1997, I didn't even know my name had a meaning. I had never thought of it and it had never been a topic of conversation. I knew Stephanie was a name my parent's chose, last minute actually... and I knew my grandmother (who LOVED the orchestra) thought it sounded like the word "symphony". But, I didn't know that my name was a derivative of anything in particular... and never knew the word, "Stephanie" had any meaning associated with it.

After living in Asia a while, the meaning of names began to have deep significance for us. We very specifically named our son because of his name's meaning... not because of "liking" the name or how it sounded. It was a very distinct change in my husband and I. This difference is shown in the three years between our first child (her name not picked according to meaning) and our second child, this son, VERY much given a name because of it's meaning.

The other night at dinner, the topic of names came up in a group setting. Someone asked me the meaning of my name. I nonchalantly responded, "Stephanie means 'crowned one'". As the light-hearted conversation continued, a quick internal dialogue went on in my mind. In those few moments, I distinctly thought how very disconnected I felt from my name's meaning. Did I feel like a "crowned one"? Was I a "crowned one"? I simply felt no connection what-so-ever with the meaning of my name. It was a quick thought and not terribly deep.

Only a few short hours later, during a group worship time, I had a profound experience that has changed this tremendously. It was a significant time of worship and I felt God's presence greatly as I sang of His love. All of a sudden I had a picture in my mind that was so "true to life" it was like I was looking at a photograph in front of my face.

In simple words, I saw a picture of me with a crown on my head. The crown, though, was a crown of thorns. I was wearing a crown of thorns. Interestingly, though, in this mental picture I was standing tall, proudly displaying this crown as one would display one of gold and diamonds. The picture was not a sad one, or a pitiful sight. On the contrary, it was a picture of beauty and I wept when I saw it. I don't know how to describe it any differently than that... In this picture I was modeling, with poise and a posture of strength, a crown of thorns.

In that moment, my name and my heart seemed to connect deeply. I was a crowned one. But, my crown was one of suffering. ...past suffering. ...present suffering. and future suffering. These things, hard things, that I had suffered, was suffering and would suffer were my crown. A crown of thorns. And, it was beautiful. It wasn't a crown to be scorned. It was a crown to be valued and honored. The suffering in my life was to be worn with posture, pride and strength... because He, too, had worn a crown of suffering. And, He wore it beautifully.

There is a danger in "wearing" our sufferings in a victim mentality, or in an attempt to attract attention... or to gain love and compassion from others--- this wasn't what I saw in my worship picture. No, in fact, the message to my heart was that I was to learn to wear my suffering as a triumph and a trophy. I was to wear it as a part of the beauty that Father God had placed on my life, on my head. To see my suffering, all of life's suffering, through the Father's eyes... To see what God might mean by "beauty from ashes"(Isaiah 61). To see what Father can do with a "scorned thing" like a cross, or a crown of thorns... turning it into a thing to be revered, to be honored and to be worn with dignity.

So, I connect with my name that night... or the meaning of my name... more than I ever have. And, I want to learn to walk with grace, beauty, freedom, and pride in the suffering that is beauty in my life. Teach me, Jesus. ...for you did it well. You are the Crowned One and You wore a crown of thorns beautifully!

What you know might hurt ya

Sometimes simple words from our children can be so profound. ...and make you think.

In the car last night, on our way home, my sweet girl was verbally processing an activity she had just been at. To make a long story short, she had been involved in a friendly competition and her teammates, toward the end of the game, were encouraging each other to lie to the judges... so as to have a better chance to win. She herself had not lied; but, neither did she confront it. She was disappointed in her "standing by in silence". In fact, as she processed out loud, she was reminded of the lessons she had just learned at bible club. Apparently, they had just learned about lying-- including lying by remaining silent and letting other lie.

In agitation she said loudly, "It is hard when you know what is right!! We just learned about this and NOW I know it isn't right! They didn't know. I did. It is hard to know what is right... then you have all sorts of guilt when you don't do it!" Her outburst was full of frustration. She actually said, "It must be really hard when you get older, because then you know all sorts of stuff and you must have a lot of guilt!"

She was essentially saying, ... "AHH--Why did you tell me! If only I didn't know what was right. I just wish I didn't know that it was wrong to lie! That would be much easier!" Don't we all feel that way sometimes?

Sometimes I wish I just didn't know that it was wrong to... lie, gossip, [fill in the blank]

When you know truth and don't act on it... well, then your accountable! When you know what is right to do, and don't do it... just the act of not doing it (or doing it) is sin according to Scripture.

The Word tells us that those who are given more are accountable for more... So, my girl is right. She is "more accountable" in some way than those other girls who haven't been taught what is right and what is wrong. And, this can be a heavy burden. I feel it some times, too.

My husband is fond of saying that Christianity lived at anything less than 100% is just simply a miserable existence. When you live on the fence... or with less than your whole heart, well,... you are in for a world of hurt.

God wants our all. He wants all of me.

Love me, He says with ALL your heart... with ALL your mind and with ALL your soul.

So, my girl knew the pain last night of living less than fully devoted to Him,... and she felt it.

I do too, baby girl. Me, too... more often than I like to admit. And, the fact is, I do know. I know a lot. And what I know I am accountable to. What 'ya don't know, don't hurt 'ya... ...maybe?

But, for sure, what I do know will hurt sometimes!

"But the one who does not know and does things deserving punishment will be beaten with few blows. From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked." (Luke 12:48)

Anger's covering

I was so angry. The circumstances don't really matter... but, all of a sudden, I found myself angrier than I have been in a long time. Shaking kind of mad... The kind of angry where tears come and they aren't from sadness. I was mad.

Now, 24 hours later, I am processing all the anger that rose from within. Where did it come from? Yes, the situation was legitimately frustrating. And, yes, maybe the injustice was worthy of anger... maybe. But, not that kind of anger that steams up my back, into my head... and yes, out of my mouth!

Now, as I look back it with 20-20 vision I can see where I may have gone wrong. The situation I had found myself in was not correctable. It was as it was. I couldn't have done anything different to make it less frustrating, or wrong. But, I do know that I could have experienced it differently. Had I put a little space, a small prayer, a simple/quick internal recognition of Father would have stamped out the anger, or dampened it. I know. It has "worked" before. It is amazing the "peace that surpasses understanding" that can guard my heart, my mind and my mouth when I pray.

In hindsight, I now clearly see that God gave me a little space. I can clearly see that moment I could have stopped and asked for His presence. He gave me a small moment, a space, to acknowledge Him as Lord --- Lord over the storm. I could have rested and had peace to cover the anger.

I have heard that a good definition of humility is "power under control". THAT is what I needed yesterday. The power of my anger, right or wrong, was not under control. I did not submit those feelings... even in an instant, or whispered prayer... to my Lord. I wasn't humble. In fact, much of the depth-anger that rose up was most certainly (I can see now) from place of pride. ...my rights had been violated! How dare you say that, do that, act that way to ME? ...No, I didn't have those thoughts. But, clearly, I was not humble and clearly my anger was not covered by His mercy, His peace, nor His Lordship.

Will I learn this Lord? I wonder sometimes when these things happen if I will ever take a step forward... and then He reminds me of His faithful love, His constant work, His grace. I am reminded of the fact that truly it has been a long time ... a really long time, since I was that angry. And, well... that is a step forward of sorts. I guess, I would prefer a leap. Perfection today, please!!

He gave me space yesterday, to accept the covering of His Presence. I didn't take it. I want to learn to submit, and respond to that invitation. Lord, teach me to cover all my emotions in You. Lord, teach me to invite you in and to humble myself, asking in all circumstances for Your help and Your Presence. Teach me to live under Your covering-peace, that which can guard my heart and my mind in Christ Jesus.

Be a bird... not a sheep

Photo Source

While studying Ancient Greece this school year, I have read many of Aesop's Fables to my children. Aesop wrote most of his stories about animals and all of them end with a moral--- quite profound, actually. One of the games I played with my kids while reading was a guessing game. I would ask them, "Okay, guess, what was the moral of this story?" At first they took the game very seriously and attempted to guess the moral. As time went on, though, they became a bit lazy in their guessing and it became a joke to simplify the "guess" to something like... "be a swan and not a raven" or "be an ant and not a frog" or "be an owl and not a grasshopper". They, of course, would laugh heartily at their hilarious humor! Not exactly helpful in the learning of profound morals... but it did make me laugh a time or two.

This morning while on my prayer walk, I had the distinct thought... "be a bird and not sheep". The thought made me chuckle. Walking past the sheep regularly now, I am always amazed at the constant bleating that comes from these fields. Sheep seem to be very noisy animals. They are constantly making noise. It is quite remarkable. I wouldn't have known that having never lived among or around sheep before. In my limited experience I would say that sheep and lambs are very vocal.

But, today, I noticed something different, something I had never really observed before. First off, the bleating sound carries really far. I could hear it from one field to the next and onto the next adjoining field, as well. It was loud and seemed to never stop... no matter how far I got from the field. The sound of sheep was inescapable.

Secondly, I noticed that the sounds they were making sounded very "human" like. I could almost put a word, or a sound-word, with each bleat and moan. Each one, very unique, sounded like a human cry of some sort. This one sounded like a "Why?!" and that one sounded like a "Woa (is me)". This one sounded like a "Oh!!" and that one sounded like a "Ah" or "Uh".

One would sound-off right after the other in a harmony of cries. And, they all were quite pitiful sounds really. Whimpering, whining, worrying cries bleat from these sheep... and this sad sound carried far from one field into the next... and onward.

As I listened to this symphony of sad-sheep-sound, I asked the Lord, "Is this what we sound like to you, Father?" After asking the question, my attention was quickly turned to another constant sound around our fields... bird song. Birds, too, are always vocalizing. The birds here seem to be constantly chatting and singing. In fact, I have some new baby sparrows living in my rafters... which I hear most mornings around sunrise (4:30 AM!). They chatter and sing at the rising of the sun. It is quite loud and wakes me most mornings. This sound, too, is inescapable! But, unlike the sheep, their sounds are much sweeter in tone. They seem to be saying nice things, gentle things, and even worshipful things. A bird song sounds like music... beautiful music. Where the bleating of the sheep sounds sad and carries a tone of discord, the bird's song is harmonious and uplifting.

As I walked the fields bombarded by this variety of sounds, I continued to ask the Lord for His insight. I began to think of Biblical verses describing sheep. Sheep are described as "lost and wandering" (Zech 10, Matt. 10), "harassed and helpless" (Matt. 9)... And, then I thought of Jesus' teaching to, "consider the ravens". These ravens, these sparrows, don't worry or sow. They just are fed by God. Is this why they sound happier in their song? Do the ravens, the sparrows, and the black birds sing a song of thankfulness and live a life trusting God's provision? Is this why they sound so beautiful?

Do I sound like the sheep? Does my voice, vocally or in my heart, sound whining, complaining, desperate and pitiful? Or do my cries, my life-song, my heart-voice sound like the birds? Are all my comings and goings... my toil, my roaming, my thoughts... are they all covered in the "Woa (is me)" sound of bleating or are they covered in the "hallelujah" sound coming from a bird?

Certainly, in a simple "Aesop's" world, I can paint this picture in my mind and I can suggest that the moral of the story would be... to be a bird not a sheep!

But, as I think through the complexities of our real world and stretch the analogy farther, I must say that when looking up the word "sheep" in the Bible... I found many more verses that related to God's deep love for sheep--- His sheep, than those that point to the stupidness, the harriedness and pitifulness of sheep. I found verses that remind me of God's response to the Israelites, when He heard their cries in Exodus 3 "The Lord said, "I have indeed seen the misery of my people in Egypt. I have heard them crying out because of their slave drivers, and I am concerned about their suffering." Scripture talks about God's people crying ot to Him. And over and over the Word speaks of Him hearing them in love. Time and time again God refers to His people, His sheep, as in need of a shepherd.

His knowledge of our sheep-ness (bleating and all) is always cloaked in His love, His mercy and His deep compassion. Over and over again in Scripture, God HEARS. He hears the cries of His people.

So, my heart desires to live as a bird... unworried, eating from His hand, and living life with a thankful voice and a worshipful heart! But, I know my tendency to live as a sheep... harassed, and complaining... bleating my way through the grass and whining my way to the watering hole. And, this is why I need a good Shepherd!! And, it is good to know He knows this, He knows me... and still loves me.

Difficult Decisions

Sometimes you just have to say "no". ...not because you want to. ...not because it feels right, but because you know it IS right.

And, sometimes that "no" will be misunderstood, judged, or cause pain and offense. Those are the hardest "nos" (and yeses, for that matter!) for me. The misunderstood ones... The judged ones... and the offensive ones. I like to please people and I love being pleasing to people.

C.S. Lewis writes, "The natural life in each of us is something self-centred, something that wants to be petted and admired..." I like to be admired and petted. And, often times, my world is all-about-me. When I am worrying about offending, rather than doing what is right... that is when I am being self-centered. I can call my "yeses" spiritual... and give them nice spiritual names like "service" and "sacrifice" and "sensitivity". But... if I am honest, my worry about offense or pain is not entirely (and not even a lot) about the other person... it is about me. I worry what they will think of me when I say no. And, if I say "no" I am pretty certain the thoughts won't be grand, or pleasing. Interestingly enough, many of my yeses that are motivated by this self-focused attitude often go undetected ... until I am exhausted, annoyed and spent (beyond God-given capacity) and then I wonder, "Why am I so tired?!"

Jesus said "no" a lot. He said "yes" often, too, of course. Good boundaries are not about saying "no" or about being un-busy. People who call selfishness "boundaries" are just selfish. That isn't it either. It isn't about a name-game... to convince ourselves or others. It isn't about calling our decisions by names other than they are... "service, sacrifices" or "boundaries and balance".

Good boundaries are about doing what God would have me do-- nothing more and nothing less. There is something in this idea that I need to learn, that I am desperate to learn...

Jesus said to them, "My Father is always at his work to this very day, and I, too, am working." Jesus gave them this answer: "I tell you the truth, the Son can do nothing by himself; he can do only what he sees his Father doing, because whatever the Father does the Son alsodoes." (John 5:17)

So, I have to see and hear My Father at work. May He train my eyes to see this!
I must listen and watch my Savior as He works. May He train my ears to hear!
I must know His voice and discern the movements of His Spirit. May He train my mind, my heart, my soul to interpret this movement!

Difficult decisions are made well after difficult lessons and training. I have so much to learn. What is the Father doing... what would He have me do to join Him?

Because... I know that sometimes you just have to say "no". It doesn't feel right. You don't want to, ...but you know it just IS right.

God wants

What does God want? What are His desires?

God wants many things. Throughout Scripture we see God's will and desires for His people. We see Him want obedience. We see Him wanting His people to respond to Him, to worship Him, and to believe Him. We see Him calling His people and inviting them to be near Him. We see Him wanting for His kids many things: boldness, courage, joy, strength, trust, holiness, and steadfastness. God's will for His people is clearly laid out from Scripture's beginning right up to the end.

Today I was struck with one of God's desires for me. God's word spoke to my heart and told me what He wanted. In Psalm 51 it says that He desires truth in my innermost parts. (v.6) Deep down in that almost-untouchable me, He wants truth to reign. The Hebrew word for "innermost parts" means "the seat of the mind". More literally, this word means "the places covered by fat". He wants truth under my skin. ...my insides, my gut, the "deepest" parts of me. God wants truth to reign in those parts---the parts within me that I cannot see.

What does God want? My Father God wants truth to live deep down in those hidden recesses of me. ...within my gut, within my heart and mind. This is what He wants and this is what He is working on as He continues His sanctifying work within me.
Somewhere in the recesses, those inner parts, His Spirit moves and works and heals. What a blessing to know that He is living within and at work always. I can rest in that. I can trust Him and His continual work.

This surgery, of sorts, isn't without pain or labor. To get beneath my skin hurts. And, it seems that the work He does is somehow linked to the "work" we do. Sometimes it takes "work" on my part to submit to His work. My work is to seek Him as the only One who can heal. My work is to take Him in, to drink and eat His truth. My work is to invite and to "allow" Him in those deep parts. I have to allow Him to figuratively cut me open and get deep inside.

I don't think that this sweet verse describing God's desires for reigning truth within, are accidentally in the middle of a Psalm lamenting pain, humility, suffering, and confession of sin.

Surely, I was sinful at birth! ... the Psalmist says. Surely, I am a mess, Lord! In this Psalm, as in the heart-work of God, there is an opening up, a "diving in", and a deep trust which seems intricate in God's healing-gut work. David, in his words here, is relying... banking it all... on the unfailing love, the compassion, and the mercy of God! (v. 1) He is running to God, pouring out his heart and guts, and trusting that God Himself will forgive, cleanse, heal and restore. He is trusting that God alone can "teach wisdom" to those inner parts (v.6) and "create a pure heart" (v. 10). David is opening up and welcoming the hidden work of God within.

What does God want? He wants Truth to reign in my innermost being. I want this too, Father! O, Father in Heaven, Your kingdom come and Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven!

His continual work... even through pain

There is just no way around it... My parent's divorce was very hard on me.

There is really no nice way to say it-- it sucked! To this day, I still have wounds and scars from the painful experience... a ripping that is unnatural, wrong, and not-as-it-should-be. My journey in processing their divorce has been a long one. I have felt, thought and experienced many things along the long road ... and yes, there has been much healing I have found from my Heavenly Father. But, still it hurts.

One thing that has been harder for me these past few years has been the ability to understand. I just don't get it. As I have looked back at the situation, I find myself puzzled as to why they couldn't have just stuck it out. Why did the marriage have to end? Honestly, I have found it very difficult to sympathize and certainly have found it challenging to understand. Maybe I will never truly understand--- they say that we never really do understand unless we walk in that person's shoes. I have never walked in my mom or my dad's shoes. And, as hard as I have tried to "theoretically" walk, I will never walk that mile in their shoes--- not really.

But, the Lord is kind in His desire to keep us journeying toward Him, toward true wisdom, toward wholeness, and toward godliness and compassion. He doesn't let us alone. I love that about Him!

These recent few years, I have taken some steps in my understanding, or at least my compassion. When I have successfully put on my "adult hat" and honestly attempted to hear my mom's heart or my dad's heart, there has been much growth in my understanding. I have asked them hard questions and tried to listen. I try to get it. And, I think, by God's grace, I have come a bit closer to hearing their hearts. But, that, it seems, is still not enough. My God never stops part way. He wants full healing! He wants a heart that hears Him and wounds that are bound up and healed.

And so.... He has kindly given me a new friend here that is smack-dab in the middle of a divorce. This divorce--- as they all do--- just stinks. It is horrible. It is painful to watch. But, not only has He has give me a budding relationship with this new, sweet friend... but also a relationship with this friend's dear little girl. So, I get to watch the mom. And the daughter.

And, well, it has brought a freshness to the pain--- and new eyes to watch on and attempt to understand. Again, I don my "adult hat" (or try to!) and watch as this mom suffers. I watch as the little girl suffers. I now watch this mom's good and bad decisions, her frustrations, her confusion, and her pain with eyes-wide-open. And, I see God bringing some healing to my heart as I witness this fresh pain, this fresh suffering... such a picture of my world some 30 years ago.

Of course, I know that their divorce is not about me. Not in the least. But, I know that I have been allowed to watch from a very close distance ...and to learn. Maybe to understand. Most certainly to heal.

My Father's work in my heart is never finished. He is working hard to bring me to completion. I know deeply that this fresh pain... touching it so closely now today... is allowing old wounds to continue to air-out and heal. Sometimes you have to peel back those bandages to let it heal. Thank you God that You never stop... Your healing work is constant.

Asleep on the boat

Traveling around often on airplanes, trains, and automobiles I watch in awe my son's ability to sleep anywhere. Just yesterday, traveling from the train to the airport, he fell asleep in minutes of sitting down on the bus. We sat down. His head found my lap. His feet made their way comfortably part way up the window and he conked-out...head-back-mouth-open-deep, beautiful sleep. If it weren't for the noise of the bus, I am sure I would have heard snoring. He amazes me. He really can sleep anywhere.

Early in his life, it used to be a joke in our family. As we often traveled around the city on the metro in Turkey, we could almost predict that the moment I would sit down with him on my lap... he would be "out cold". He seems to have the wonderful gift of finding sound sleep on any form of transportation. Actually, this sleep was (and is) a big blessing. For my son transportation means one of two things... sleep or throwing up. There doesn't seem to be much in between. We are always glad to see him sleeping while we travel.

This last week we had the privilege of receiving some great teaching at a conference we attended. One of the passages that the speaker emphasised was in Mark 4, where we find Jesus asleep on a cushion at the stern of a boat. He was sound asleep while the others were afraid and experiencing a fierce "furious squall". (A furious squall came up, and the waves broke over the boat, so that it was nearly swamped - Mark 4:37). Sweet, deep, undisturbed sleep.

It reminds me of an airplane flight we once took, where the turbulence was so bad that people were literally screaming, throwing up, and praying all around me. I, too, was very afraid and feeling quite ill as we bounced around on the waves of air! Immediately when it started, I looked over at my family in the three seats next to me. And, my sweet family,... my husband, my daughter, and my son were sound asleep. Deep, lovely, sweet sleep. My son's head rested on my lap and he was unmoved, undisturbed. They missed the whole thing!

The speaker this past week mentioned, almost in passing, one possible reason for Jesus' deep sleep that day. He was tired, yes. But, more than that (I was VERY tired that infamous plane flight), Jesus was resting. He was truly resting. He was trusting. And, bigger than that, He was completely secure in who He was. He was secure in His sonship, the preacher said. This struck me as very significant.

Jesus knew who He was. He intimately knew the One who created the wind and the waves. He, Himself, was with the Father and together they had created, and that very day sustained, the wind, the waves, and those on the boat. He could rest in that. He knew. He was secure. He could trust and rest... and sleep right through a storm.

As a family, when we hit "bumps" in the road... when we experience turbulence (literally and figuratively)... when the "waves" are coming in our "boat", my kids instinctively look up at me and ask with one quick look--- "am I okay?". They are trusting me. They are relying on their sonship and my knowledge to assure them that they will be fine. When I answer them with security (security in the situation OR in our God), they just believe me. They trust my "yes, you are okay!" response. That is childlike faith, isn't it? True and deep trust. ...Mom, are we okay... Dad, is everything going to be fine?!... They ask us with their eyes and await our response that gives them security.

But, sometimes they just sleep through it. Sometimes they are so trusting and so able to rest that they can just sleep. They "sleep" through our problems often, you might say. And, what a joy that is! I love that my kids can fall asleep on the bus. I can hardly imagine sleeping with so much trust on a bus. If I sleep while traveling, it is always as if I am asleep with one eye opened. My sleep while on trains, plains and buses is never deep, never sound and not peaceful.

Is this true of my sleep while experiencing the storms of life, too?

Jesus just conked out. Was His head-back, mouth opened and was He snoring?! Jesus just knew He was okay. He knew and trusted. He was secure. He could close His eyes, lay His head in His Father's lap, and fall asleep right there on the boat. I love this picture. I love that the Son of God could fall asleep on that boat.

May I grow in my knowledge of You, my kind Father. May I grow in my trust and my security in You, my Father. May I learn to look to you, awaiting your secure response and trusting that "Yes! everything is going to be okay!" May I trust your words to me... ALL things will work out for good, I love you. Continue to teach me, Father, to sleep on the boat and to rest in my "sonship".

Face Down

The ark of God is stolen and placed in the temple of Dagon (1 Samuel 5). The next morning the theives came into the temple and found a shocking surprise.

"When the people of Ashdod rose early the next day, there was Dagon, fallen on his face on the ground before the ark of the Lord! They took Dagon and put him back in his place. But the following morning whenthey rose, there was Dagon, fallen on his face on the ground before the ark of the Lord! His head and hands had been broken off and were lying on the threshold; only his body remained."

If I had to pick a favorite story from the Old Testament, this would be in the top 5!

Imagine the scene. They walk in for morning worship time and find their marble god face down before the Ark. (oops... uh, you okay, god??) Then, they take their god and put him back up! And, then, the next morning they come in and find their god on his face again--- but this time with his limbs torn off. (hmm... god, you doing alright there?!)

This was the passage the Lord brought to mind the other morning. And, just to be clear, He wasn't speaking to my heart about another person. He was speaking to me about me... and my god. Ouch.

For weeks now, I have been asking the Father to wean me from this earth. What I meant by the prayer was, ...wean me from sin, Lord. Wean me from temptation and the things of this world that lead me away from You. This was the prayer of my heart. I realized this week that He is answering this prayer... but not, exactly, as I have been asking. He hasn't weaned me from this earth and the temptations. I am still tempted. I am still fleshly. I am still prone to wander. No apparent change there!

What He is weaning me from... or working to wean me from... is my god, my mini-Dagon. It all became clear to me when I was "randomly" reminded of this story. I have a "god" too and I prop it back up, time and time (and time) again. I put it's head on and glue it's legs on. And, it just can't stand in the Presence of God any longer. I come to worship and it must fall face down. It just must surrender.

My god is self. Or, should I call it self-reliance. Self-discipline (that sounds nicer). Self-assurance and self-righteousness. Coping mechanisms and skills I learned young "to survive"... skills that allow me to do most anything I put my mind to, to "be okay" and make it through any situation, to be perfect (or to show forth perfection and avoid weakness)... they all seem to be failing me these days. They are falling face down and loosing limbs!! No, more, Stephanie... my Father seems to be whispering. No more.

As trite and common as it might sound, still, deep within me there is such a pull to earn my way to God. We all have heard it... so, so, so many times. The preacher says, "We can't earn our salvation! It is grace alone." We nod our heads... Yes, Yes! we say with agreement. And, yet...

Somewhere inside I still rely on those acts of discipline, those prayers, those "times with God", that ability to say no to the temptation, that generous service, that self-control, that kind word said about me... as my "okay-ness". I rely on myself. No more, Stephanie.

Sunday I was showered with messages of His love, His unfailing mercy, and His faithfulness. Today I was bombarded with His words of truth... "it is by grace you have been saved, through faith, and it's not from yourself. It is a gift of God" and, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."
Weakness. In weakness, Stephanie.

This most certainly isn't the first time Father has dealt hard with this god. Like the Israelites before me, who kept going back to Baal... over and over again, this is a lesson of years. This isn't new. But, my God is faithful to complete what He has started in me 20 years ago. He began that good work and today He is still hammerin' away--- amputating arms, legs and the head of my god.

This idol of self needs to die. She needs to fall face down before the Presence of God. May I not prop her up again. May I truly learn to rely on Him alone--- His strength, His grace, His mercy, His goodness and His faithfulness alone. Oh Father, continue to wean me from this earth.

Deleting my blog...again.

I can't tell you how many times that I say to my husband, "I am soo deleting my blog!" He just chuckles and says, "again?"

Have you ever had that dream where you are walking around a clothed world and you are completely naked. The dream consists of you first figuring out you are naked... and then follows the anxious attempt to cover up you nakedness. Well, often after posting I feel... naked. In my attempt to write from the heart and write honestly--- I sometimes share things on this blog that embarrass me. After posting sometimes I have this sick feeling, something akin to, "Okay, I am seriously walking around here in my undies!"

So, why do I keep writing? In part, I have found that writing helps me learn. When I write it, it seems to solidify lessons of the heart. With the act of writing, lessons seem to settle in my soul in a significant way. And, writing seems to be bubbling up within me. I just can't seem to help myself! I wake up in the morning with blog ideas. So, I guess, in part I write for me. "I count myself one of the number of those who write as they learn and learn as they write" ~St. Augustine

I also keep writing because some of my most favorites people in the world read this blog. The people that I deeply love (and miss because I live far away) are reading. These friends with whom I would sit down and easily share my heart with are reading here. This helps me to feel known by these dear ones--- connected to them in some strange way.

Yesterday, when I was processing this "blogging" conundrum I found myself in, I read this quote: "I have found that the very feeling which has seemed to me most private, most personal and hence most incomprehensible by others, has turned out to be an expression for which there is a resonance in many other people. It has led me to believe that what is most personal and unique in each of us is probably the very element which would, if it were shared or expressed, speak most deeply to others."

And so, lastly, this is why I keep writing. I wonder if the act of just sharing a real and genuine journey (or as real as can be shared on a computer screen) might deeply touch others. I write because I want anyone who might read my blog to know that all travelers along this journey toward our Heavenly Father are fallen, flawed and unwhole. I want them to know that I am far from perfect and to see, understand, that I live each day--- each day--- in desperate need of my Savior, my love, my friend, by brother---Jesus. I want readers to hear about my life--in it's entirety--- sins and falls, victories and joys. I want them to see God: His unfailing love, His compassion and His faithfulness.

So, I won't be deleting my blog--- well, at least not today. I am not sure, though, after I post this next "idea" which has been floating around in my head. I am about ready to strip down to my skivvies again!