What do you see?

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His Word reminds me this morning that day and night, He pours forth speech.

"The heavens declare the glory of God.  The skies proclaim the works of His hands.  Day after day they pour forth speech.  Night after night they reveal knowledge.  They have now speech, they use no words; and yet, their voice goes out into all the earth.  Their words go into the whole world!"  (Psalm 19:1-2)

Through His Creation, my God is always speaking!  He displays His glory 24-7 and always has done since the dawn of creation.   He is faithful to show forth Himself.  He is constant in His proclamation of His deeds.  To the whole earth He is accessible... He is on display!  He tells the world who He is with no words, but with a Voice!

If we would only look.  

...and see.  ...and understand.  

I wonder even as I write, what is He saying about Himself through the rain today?  What piece of His character, or what Truth is on display through the young calf I saw grazing in the field?  ...the mud I trekked through?  ...That smile on my daughter's face, the laughter in the kitchen, that chatter of birds, that rushing wind and sunlight breaking through the clouds...  what do they say? 

These created things speak.  What do they say?  

While God trained Jeremiah for ministry, He tells him to look and see...  "What do you see, Jeremiah?"(Jeremiah 1)  He invites him to simply look... and see.  

Jeremiah answers with a straightforward answer to God's question, "I see the branch of an olive tree." 

"You have seen rightly," God coaches Jeremiah, with encouragement.  Good job, He says!  You are doing well... okay, now... moving on...  

Leading Jeremiah faithfully and gently forward  He is teaching him to see and to discern.  He asks him to look and see... then He helps him to understand what is being "said" through this vision.   

This morning while on my walk, I was mediating on Psalm 19 and praising God for His constant, faithful voice through Creation.  And, then as if prompted by the Holy Spirit, I had this quiet thought... a question, really:  "Stephanie, what do you see?"  

I looked around me and then, in prayer, I responded, "Lord, I see building after building after building.  But they all look so quiet.  So dark.  So still."

In my mind flooded the thought, "Ah... but there is life within."   Life within.

"Stephanie, I am always working, even when you don't see it."  

Day and night He pours forth speech!  May the eyes of my heart be awakened and may I see... and know and understand.  Teach me, Father how to see and how to discern.  

So, ...it's not just me!

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It is amazing the rapid speed at which lies can come crashing into my heart and my mind.  Jarring.  Debilitating.  These lies freezing my desire for forward movement.

The lies whisper and sometimes they scream, "Be afraid."  ..."be very afraid..."

I have tapes that play this fearful tune, do you ever hear these too?  Mine say, "You're too young"  "What do you have to say?" "Who are you to..."  "You're not smart enough"  "You're not spiritual enough."  "You are a mess..."  "If they only knew this about you..." "Shut up...and sit down"

Some authors writing about this phenomenon have called it, "insecurity".  Some have called it, "pride".  One author, whose work I am currently reading, Brene Brown, calls it shame.  Shame--it is such an ugly word.  And, a confusing word.  

Defining shame as "the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging", Dr. Brene Brown says, "shame is all about fear."  "We are afraid people won't like us if they know the truth about..."  Brown describes the difference between shame and guilt being that guilt says, "I did something bad."  Shame says, "I am bad."  

Shame is about who we are- guilt is about our behaviors.  Interestingly, Dr. Brown's research also shows that guilt (which I might personally re-term "conviction") can be productive and helpful; while, shame is always destructive.  Patterns of hurtful behaviors and self destructive attitudes are bred in the garden of shame.     

So, what does this have to do with me and my journey?  I was reading Dr. Brown's book and was struck with the idea that silence and secrecy breed and give power to shame.  I had been hearing some loud lies recently and it was time to expose them to the Truth-Light!  This blog post is about exposing... vulnerability...  and courage.  

To put some context to my "recent" lie-tapes...  I feel that God has been calling, inviting, prodding me forward into a new ministry.  This inviting whisper has been happening for years, actually.  But, this past week the call from God to step forward has become louder and more clear.  And, as the call has become more clear; so have the lies started ramping up their mantra:  "Who are you? Who do you think you are?"  "You're too young"  "You're not one of them..."  

To put it bluntly, somewhere deep within I have believe that my imperfections negate my ability to be used in (blank) ministry.    Doesn't really matter how you fill in the blank.  
You name it...  My call, God's invitation to me, is unique and so is yours.  But, somewhere I have believed a lie that 'I can't (blank)because of me--because of who I am.'  

I am not alone in this, I know.  And, neither are you.

Reading in Jeremiah this morning, I was struck... "The word of the Lord came to me, saying:  'Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations."  "Alas, Sovereign Lord," I said, "I do not know how to speak; I am too young."  
But the Lord said to me, "Do not say, 'I am too young'. You must go to everyone I send you to and say whatever I command you.  Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you," declares the Lord." (Jeremiah 1)

So, it isn't just me!
Jeremiah had a tape of lies playing in his head too!  
Alas, Sovereign Lord, I say in unison with Jeremiah, my brother!
And, God responds, "No!"  "Don't say that!"  ...don't you go agreeing with that lie!  ...don't repeat that tape.

"I will be with you!"

To Joshua, He says, "Be strong and very courageous... I will be with you."
To Moses' "Who am I?", He says,"I will be with you!"

These men, my brothers.  Me.  You.
It takes courage, my friends.  It takes God-given push... courage and bravery to rest and walk in the foundation of who He says I am.  It takes courage to resist and shut the mouth of the liar that says 'I can't because of me'.  Whether the lies come from without... or within.

...it takes the courage to believe and walk forward in the Truth that I can because of Him, because of who He says I am, because of who He has made me!

Stepping Away...

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I am closing up shop and "goin' fishin'"---  Not literally, but figuratively, I suppose.  I am going to "cast my nets to the other side" (John 21:4-7)

I will be taking some time away from blogging...  

Blessings on you, my friends, and blessings on your journey into the deep, deep love of Jesus.  

If you have a moment, please feel free to poke around the site and read some older posts---  

Teaching me while I sleep...

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The other night, I believe that God spoke to me in a dream.

This wasn't a "first" for me.  He has used dreams before.  And for me, more often than not, He has used dreams to instruct my heart and convict me of sin.  ...to teach me.  

This dream was no different.  He has something to say, something to remind me, something to teach me...again.  

The dream was simple.   I saw a man I knew, a respected man, and the man said to me plain-and-clear, "If God tells you something once, you need to listen.  If He tells you something two times, it is very important, Stephanie.  And, if He tells you a third time, take heed."  And then I woke up. 

Take heed.  On waking, I knew.  I knew instantly that my Father was talking to me.  Immediately, in that moment,  I asked Him, "What is it, Father?  What are you saying?"  

Within seconds, almost instantly, I had this phrase come to mind:  It is just food.  

It is just food, Stephanie.  

You see, I have just found out that I have (yet another) food intolerance that I need to juggle.  My body has always been a bit of a holey tent to say the least.  And, the issues with food allergies and intolerances have only been the most recent of "holes" I have found in this my earthly tent.  

For days, this news was like an emotional slap.  Really, Lord...One more thing, Lord? One more major food to avoid?  One more "issue" in my body??  Worry--Confusion---  How am I to incorporate this?  Frustration and even Anger reigned in my heart for days after getting the blood test results.  

It is just food.   With simplicity and kindness of tone came these words.  And, I knew they were from His Spirit to my heart. ...for they brought light, a soul-widening and distinct peace.  

For anyone who has read my blog for any length, you will know that I have struggled many years with the sin of gluttony.  A love, or lust, for food has plagued me and I have struggled with issues of overeating---for a variety of heart-reasons, to be sure!  

He has slowly been peeling my hands and heart away from food and He has kindly used food allergies to aid in this difficult process.  A love for food is a hard one to break!  ...any "loves" that are not of Him are, aren't they?  They hold us and we grasp.  And, we return to them time and time again.  

This is my "third" major food allergy category.  Thus, the "if the Lord tells you something three times", I think.  

He has taken my "food-loves" away and required me to choose my health and well-being over my love for food.  And, He has shown me through this that "food is fuel". ...fuel, yes, that is to be enjoyed in special ways at times.  But, fuel, -none-the-less.  It is just food, right?  

It is just food, Stephanie.  Let go and release.  It isn't that big of a deal.  

His words, these words, have brought significant freedom to my heart.  He has lightened the load of this news.  And, He is already using the "hard" news to bring fruit in my soul.  

Hiking boots...humility...and a friend

Most days when I go for my morning walk in the fields, I am so very glad I have worn my hiking boots.  Returning home, they are caked in mud and have repelled what-seems gallons of water.  I am so grateful that I have a good pair of boots.  I need them here where I live, to be sure.  I am dependent on them for comfort and stability.

Dependence.

He visited our church last Sunday.  Following up on his experience, he responded, "I wouldn't go back.  I don't like how much they all depend on God."

He didn't like the dependence he saw.  It was off-putting and not attractive to him.

He isn't wrong.  His assessment is correct; even if, to my mind, his response is sad.  Christians are, by definition, "dependent" on God.

It is all about dependence.  It is all about surrender.  And, reliance.  And, a laying-it-down.

But, unlike this friend, my heart hears these words and with them comes an a feeling of invitation.  An invitation to forgiveness, to mercy, to rest, to freedom and to love.

I would argue that we are always dependent---whether we like to admit it or not.  It isn't really a choice to be dependent or not.  Am I alone in, simply, dependence on a morning coffee to keep away a headache?

We are, by nature, dependent beings.  We need things...food, water, air, ---just to start.  We depend on the laws of nature and we depend on our friends, our spouses and our parents.  We depend on boots to cover our feet in the muddy fields.

Dependence on God.  What do those word sound like to your ears?  Do they sound  like a "crutch" or a brace you don't like and don't want to hinder, squash or hold-you-back.  Or, does it sound like a good, sturdy, comfy pair of hiking boots---necessary, wise, and wonderfully freeing while walking this life's journey?

For me, I suppose, I am learning that dependence and submission---humility, really---are like these robust hiking boots.  Humility-boots that make the journey steady and straight; boots that allow for a variety of terrain and weather.

When describing the life Jesus lived on earth, Andrew Murray suggests that one main characteristic of Christ's life was exactly this:  dependence.  (Humility by Andrew Murray)

"By myself, I can do nothing.  I seek not to please myself but him who sent me." (John 5:30)

Murray simplifies true humility as being the "consent of the creature to let God be all, the surrender of itself to His working alone."

Jesus shows us this in His life on earth.  "He teaches us where true humility begins and finds its strength--in the knowledge that it is God who works all in all, that or place is to yield to Him in perfect resignation and dependence, in full consent to be and do nothing of ourselves."

"This life of entire self-abnegation, of absolute submission and dependence upon the Father's will, Christ found to be the source of perfect peace and joy."  ~Andrew Murray

Perfect peace and joy sound like comfort and strength to me.  What an invitation!  I suppose, in part, it is because I know the kind Father that issues this invitation to me.  I have met this Jesus, who shows us these things and says "come to me and I will give you rest for your souls!"

Although I can make my educated guesses, I don't truly understand why this is so off-putting to my friend.

But, what I do know is that I am so glad I have my hiking boots to put on when I go for my walk tomorrow! Unfortunately, I don't always choose to put them on---and then I come back with soaked, cold feet.  I do have a choice each day.

But, the fact is, I can always choose them---and it is a good, wise thing when I do.

Humble pie for dinner...

Sakes alive! am I prideful!

There is no two ways about it... I just am.

I had acted badly.  I had said mean things.  And, I knew it.  To make matters worse for me, it hadn't been hidden.  My family watched it---they had heard it.  My bad behavior was on display for my house to witness.

Simply put, I had behaved very badly.  And, there she was face-to-face, confronting me with my words and my attitudes.  My girl.  My sweet, sweet, growing girl.

Did it matter why I had acted so?  What she had done... what had happened...   Did it really matter what had lead to that bad behavior--- the place of pain from which I was reacting?  Not really.  No, not in that moment, it didn't.

She was confronting me with strength and passion, but with gentleness.  She was addressing my behavior, my words.  She spoke the truth and I knew it.  And, in that moment I had a choice.  We always have these moments of choice, don't we?  Which way will this go?  Which way will I take this?...

Justification.  Excuses.  Defensiveness.  Attack...

I didn't want to apologize.  I didn't want to say I was sorry.  A force to be reckoned with rose up within---my pride--- and I just wanted to be mean again.  I wanted to say more mean things and behave badly again.

I didn't really want this, of course.  And, I did want this---all at the same time.  (Romans 7:19)

Mercy.

That is all I have to say.  Have mercy on me, Lord Jesus.

And, He did have mercy.  I did choose wisdom in the moment.

I apologized to my sweet girl.  And, I did admit to my bad behavior---every last bit of it.

But, even as I ate the humble-pie that was being served, it tasted bitter in my mouth.  Oh!  the pride within!

Yet...
I will say--- it is a meal that sits well after it goes down.  Hard to swallow---yes--, it settles well and nourishes the soul.  Unlike a meal of meanness, anger, unforgiveness and rage... humility and mercy sit in my gut much better afterward.  This humble-pie fed me well tonight.

When the emotions had calmed and the forgiveness was given---and time moved me forward, I was so glad mercy won and I ate the humility dished out to me.

But, sakes alive!, am I prideful!

Screaming lists and loud calendars

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The "to-do" list runs long and feels heavy.  The calendar seems to scream at me and I begin to feel it pushing out my peace.  The feeling of "overwhelmed" creeps up on me, tapping me on the shoulder with a hiss--- a lying tongue whispering that I need to worry.

But, I don't have to listen.

I can just be.

Still.

I can be still and know that He is God!  (Psalm 46:10).

Will it all get done?  I don't know.  Will the earth stop turning on it's axis if it doesn't?  This light-hearted internal question brings a slight chuckle, which brings relief.

I really don't have to worry.  And, I don't have to listen to "overwhelmed".   Neither do you.

We can just be.

I can be here today.  And, not worry about tomorrow.  I can tell the long list to shut up and I can ignore the screaming calendar.  Be quiet!  Shhhh---enough already!  

I can be still.  And, I can trust that my kind, gentle, loving Father is God---

I can be still and know that He is God.

He has fathered me well

My husband has "fathered" me well.

I have said this for years and it often creeps people out a bit.  It sounds weird to them, I guess.

It isn't weird.  It is true.  And, beautiful.

Yes, my husband is my lover, my soul mate and my very best friend, to be sure.  But, he has also fathered me very well through the years.

I deeply love my natural father.  He is a good man.  And, from all I am told, in the very earliest days of my life, he was a loving father.  But, I don't remember those early days.  I wish I did.  I just don't.  As a child-of-divorce, "father" became a confusing and muddled word for me at an early age.  A dark place.

Experts now say that, to a child's psyche, divorce is similar to unexpected and sudden death.  (Source:  The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce by Lewis, Blakeslee, and Wallerstein)  Psychologically speaking, for the child, their father and mother die at the same time somewhere deep within.  In a child's heart, foundations break and something rips and tears within.

Even if I am simply a case-study-of-one-- for me this was true.  Something deep did break.  "Father" was a sad place in my heart.  A broken place--- "father" was a place of pain and wounding.   Early in my life the word "Daddy" was a word that brought tears, longing, and an ache.

Healing began for me when I first began to understand the love of my Heavenly Father in my teen years.  But, deep-seated healing began when I was loved by my husband.  God used this man, my man, to show me something tender, something real and something wide:  Love.


I remember feeling quite justified in this "theory" when reading Cloud and Townsend's excellent book,  "The Mom Factor".  In their expertise, they suggest that God has given us the ability to find deep healing in the love and care of others around us.  We can find new "mothers" and new "fathers" all around us.   From our friends, our co-workers, our pastors and our spouses we can let ourselves be "re-parented".  This is the beauty of how God ordained community and human-to-human fellowship!

Father God wants us to know His massive love for each of us... and He gives us opportunities all around to experience and know that love.


My husband has loved me so well through the years.  It is hard for me to express with words.   I actually find myself sitting here unable to express how deep, how wide and how long is the love my husband has showered on me.

And, then, we had kids...

Through the years, I have watched him love and father them!  Oh! What a healing balm for my soul!    He held each one so carefully and so tenderly through the years.  He has loved them with a fierce and passionate love---a protecting love.  He has given of himself time-and-time again, serving and serving until exhausted.  He has disciplined and taught.  He has comforted and caressed.  He has played with them and danced with them and created with them.  The list is endless.

My husband has indeed fathered me well.  And, he has fathered his children well.

And, my Heavenly Father whispers deep into my healing soul, "Watch, Stephanie!  Look.  Hear, my daughter, THIS is love!  This is just a taste--a glimpse-- of My love for you!"

Do you trust me now?

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The Lord has always provided for me. 
  
Truly, through the years, I have had the privilege to see Him provide everything from finances, to visas, to refrigerators, cars, ...even babies! Even more importantly, I have-- time and time again-- seen Him provide His presence in the most needed moments. 
  
I have always been provided for.

Just recently, though, it seems that His provisions comes a bit "later" than I have grown accustom to. He seems to be saying "no" more and "wait" a lot more often these days. 

Lately, it feels like He brings me right up to the edge of the water, waits for me to put my toe in the water and then...

...He opens the "red sea"! 

But, my toe needs to touch the water first, it seems. His whispers into my soul have been, "Do you trust me now?". ...and "how about now?" ..."and now". 

These whispers are certainly not unkind; but, instead, just an asking---an invitation--- gently asking for my trust. "Do you know I love you, Stephanie?"

Just yesterday, as we were coming upon another move into the unknown, I finally bowed my head in complete surrender. 

It isn't that I haven't been attempting and even finding daily surrender to the Lord; but, this was a full face-plant kind of surrender. I said with deep, difficult sincerity, "I trust you, Lord" and "it is well with my soul". 

Now, of course, there is no formula to this! I can't say the magic words and blam! I will have exactly what I want or need... it is a heart thing.  

It is a relational thing. It is a daughter-dad thing.

My heart had to give in and give up, to trust a loving, kind and good Father and His plan... His timing. Trust is not about words. It is not something you can muster. I guess this time my toe finally went into the water because He just opened the "red sea"...
  

edited re-post from April 2009

Lavished icing...lavished love

Where in the world is the cookie?


This was my thought as I saw the mountain-pile of icing in front of me.


I assumed there was a cookie amidst the mound of chocolate and icing, but it was certainly undetectable to the eye! 


Last night, my children used left over icing to decorate and ice some sugar cookies. If you have ever allowed children to ice cookies on their own... and then encountered their proud works of art after the fact, you know what I witnessed last night. Absolutely all the sugar cookies were almost entirely engulfed and lost under the lavished icing.   


Living out the motto: if a little is good, a lot is better... my children lavished the cookies with lots and lots of color and chocolate. And, I won't even begin to describe the lavished colored sprinkles that adorned the iced mounds.

This was the exact picture that came to mind this morning as the preacher read from Ephesians 1.  I began to think on the word "lavished". "In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God's grace that he lavished on us with all wisdom and understanding."

We can only lavish from that which we have a lot of... abundance is a must. We must have much in order to pour out much, to pour out lavishly. We must have wealth in order to lavish wealth, right?


Webster defines "lavish" as giving without limit. A limit-less supply is required to give lavishly. My children lavished icing and sprinkles. We had loads of both and still had left-overs when they were done with the cookies. They could lavish.  And they did with gumption!

God tells us in Ephesians that grace and forgiveness, through the blood of Jesus, came from God's riches and His wealth. God is wealthy in what? 


God is wealthy in grace. He is rich in grace. What a thought! He has abundance of grace... plenty. And it is from this wealth of grace that He lavished His grace, redemption and forgiveness on us. His grace is limit-less.

We didn't have enough cookies to satisfy the riches of colored icing. Instead we ended up with many mounds of covered sugar cookies. ...

There are simply not enough sins that I could commit that would spend God's riches and grace-wealth. 


A sinful, wayward and unworthy girl... lavished in grace, covered in precious blood, decorated with love and sprinkled with forgiveness. Oh the God we serve! Oh the Heavenly Father that calls us His own! Are there words enough to express Who He is and what He has done for us!? 

edited re-post from Feb. 2009

Snuggle in, my love

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This morning my daughter snuggles in...  my arms wrapped around her, her head pushing deep into my chest.

Buried.  Burrowed.  She presses in and we hug.   We hug long and tight.  She whispers, "Oh that feels soooo good!"

There is nothing like a hug, really.  Tender, tight and sweet.

My girl.  She knows that a hug like this is always available.   And, sometimes she surprises me with her enthusiasm in wanting one!

She is getting taller this 13 year old of mine.  ...we may very soon be face to face.  But, she will tilt and bend and burrow in order to snuggle into that spot, she calls it.  The crux of my arm feels a safe and secure place to her.

This is what I am reminded as I read of God's stronghold.  The LORD is the stronghold of my life---of whom shall I be afraid?  (Psalm 27:1)

Stronghold.  A strong hold.  Wrapped around and secure--- I am held in Him.

This is what I have in my loving Father's embrace.  The Hebrew word here in Psalm 27 has such depth of meaning...   maowz:  my place of safety, my protection, my refuge, my harbor.

My strength.

I have an ever Present embrace.  I have an always-available hug.  I can burrow in.  I can tilt and bend and get there.  His arms wrapped around in a sweet embrace.  He is my strong hold!

So, I snuggle in this morning.  I push in and rest in my Father's embrace.  And, it feels so good and so very right...

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Snuggle in.  Rest, my friends, in His embrace.  He is the stronghold of your life!  

re-post from February, 2012

Tomato plants and me

I brought my seedling tomato plants home only a few weeks back.  I was very excited to venture into this brand new gardening experience and I have tenderly cared for my three plants.

Watering.  Feeding.  Supporting. Watching.  Waiting.

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It is almost silly how animated I have been when I see them grow, bud and thrive.   An inch taller and I celebrate!  They have a long way to go until they produce a harvest; but, I have every hope they will!   They aren't done growing yet.  But, I don't find myself frustrated with this... I find myself enjoying the growth.  Watching.  Anticipating.  Waiting.

On the contrary, I find myself utterly frustrated sometimes with the slowness of my personal growth...

Why am I not done yet?

As if I can just see beyond me:  I know what I could be, who I could become, Who He has made me to be--- and yet it is frustratingly out of my reach.  Beauty beyond my grasp---far down the path ahead.  

Andrew Murray reminds me that humility is not something you possess.  Instead, humility is something you become.  Even the title of Murray's book says it all, "Humility:  The Journey Toward Holiness".

A journey toward.  A moving forward.  A becoming.  And, so it goes for love, faithfulness, selflessness, gentleness, patience, and joy.  ...a becoming.

There aren't any  "10-easy-steps" to be found here, to be sure.

But, I want to be done.  I want to be complete and whole.  And, I want to be perfect.  What is it in me that longs so for perfection?

While snuggled into his gentle embrace, I asked my husband tonight, "I have asked Him (the Holy Spirit) to come in and take over!  I have surrendered.  I want Him to fill me and take over.  Why hasn't He, yet!? Why hasn't He taken over me."

He responded tenderly, "He isn't done because He doesn't want to take you over.  He wants to make you.  He wants you to be you--- the very best version of you, Stephanie.  And, that takes time."

Ah... humility isn't something I can get or possess.  I can't not have it one day and then just get it the next day--a done deal or snap of the finger.  It is something I become.

Becoming...

And, becoming takes time.

When I bought my tomato plants, they were in fact tomato plants.  Although you wouldn't know it from the size, the leaves, or the look... they were indeed tomato plants.  Or, at least, they were the raw material for the making of truly proper tomato plants.  And, now they are becoming ---not yet there---becoming budding, thriving tomato plants.  And, sometime soon, I hope, we shall actually see and enjoy tomatoes.  Then, they will be.

Can I allow myself the same journey toward becoming the best version of myself--- fruitful and thriving---the beauty God intended me to be?  Maybe someday soon we shall actually see and enjoy some humility--- I am hopeful!  And, in the meantime, I need to water and feed, support and wait...  watching.  Hoping...

Yes, forgiveness IS hard

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My sweet girl...  She was still angry this morning.  Very angry.

Months and months ago she had been hurt by someone.  At the time, this hurt had felt like an injustice and a misuse of power.  It had made her angry then; but, the anger had subsided and we had moved on.

Or, so I thought.

Randomly, the topic came up this morning.  Her mind and heart were reminded and from nowhere (or so it seemed) came the torrent of frustration, hurt and anger.

It is amazing what can remain alive in our hearts.  In an instant, she was remembering and angry again.  Very angry.  This wound had sat and stewed inside for months...

As she shared her heart, I embraced her and listened to her.  I validated the pain, the hurt and her frustration.  I, too, would feel the very same way, I told her.

As she calmed a bit, I asked her if she had forgiven this person.  Not surprisingly, she said, "no".   She wasn't sure she wanted to.  This is hard!

Oh!  how I can relate!


He was wrong.  He had misjudged and hurt her.  It was unfair!


I agreed again.
Yes, he was wrong.  Yes, it was unfair.  And...  And,...yet was she still willing to forgive him?  She didn't want to.  She really didn't want to!  Tenseness and anger began to rise.


Gently, I suggested she ask Jesus for help.

Our brother, Jesus, knows very well what it was to be hurt, to be judged unfairly, and to be wronged.  And, yet, He forgave.

He forgives.


He knows how and can help her even now.  And, quietly I mentioned, aren't you glad He forgave even when it was hard.  When you didn't deserve it!  Her tense body seemed to melt in my arms at the thought.  Yes!  Yes! I could hear her spirit agreeing with the gratefulness of my spirit--the joy of our salvation!


I am so glad He forgave when He was so very wronged.  


She decided to forgive today.  And, she decided to bless.  She prayed blessing over him and I watched her anger subsided.  I watched peace come and joy replace tense frustration.  I watched beauty and calm fill her.

Yes, my sweet, darling girl...   forgiveness IS hard!  But, we can learn.  And, oh!, what a wonderful gift.

That wall I keep running into...

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Mom, the only problem is... she says to me before going to bed.

Yep, sometimes the honesty of a thirteen year old girl says it all...  Kids do say the darnedest things!

Just last week, my sweet girl said to me, "I think God wants me to learn selflessness"

Wow, I thought, God is honing in on the same theme in both our lives...  

"That is really cool, sweet girl," I replied.

"Mom, the only problem is..."  she said with a genuine and curiously knowing smile..."that when I start thinking about being selfless, I immediately start thinking that others should be selfless, too!  And, I start to get mad because they aren't being selfless...and should be!!  They should be treating me selflessly, too!!" She threw herself back onto her pillow with slightly-mocked frustration and burst out laughing at herself.

Me, too, sweet girl!  Me, too.

We both laughed out loud at this irony.  Isn't it true, though?

God is honing in on pride in me--- pushing, prodding, and inviting me to something more beautiful, more holy  ---humility.  And, what is one of the results?  I start to see all the pride and selfishness magnified in my life.

Like a spotlight shining, I see a multitude of horribly prideful thoughts and actions in my life.  Recently, in answer to my prayers for humility, I have become keenly aware of the many prideful, selfish, and judgmental thoughts running around my tiny head!  At the same time, I also have become very aware of when others are being humble or selfless.  My senses are on high alert, it seems.  A torch light seems to be marking those humble moments brightly for me.

But, another result?... Just like my daughter, I have started to notice more acutely the pride magnified in others.  I see how they are prideful and selfish, too!  And then I begin to think, "They are so prideful!  They should be serving.  They should be humble, too!!"...and then, well, I am right back to being ridiculously prideful and self-centered once again.

Ah! The vicious cycle.  Round and round we go and I run smack dab into the wall of self.

C.S. Lewis did say, "Humility is not thinking less of your self.  It is thinking of yourself less."

The only problem is...

Talk to yourself---but tell yourself the truth!

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We sat across the table, our coffees cooling, and I couldn't help myself.  Some would call it "getting on my soap-box" or "preaching to the choir".  Almost half-aware, I just couldn't help myself.  I just had to tell her the Truth.  I was telling her who she was in Christ, who He was, and what His love meant for her.

When I paused for a breath, she smiled and said, "No one talks to me like this!"  

My immediate response was, "Well, then, you must talk to yourself like this!  Speak to your own soul!  David did it."

Reading this morning in Psalm 103, I was struck again at how much David "speaks to his soul."  He talks to himself. 

Do you ever talk to yourself?  I would probably off-the-cuff answer that question with a emphatic, "no".  I know people who talk to themselves... I have heard them in the other room.  But, I am just simply not that verbal.  When I am alone, I am quiet.  I even know people whose mouths move---just slightly and unconsciously---as they have an internal dialogue.  It is actually quite funny to witness this.  These people I am referring to are most assuredly not crazy.  It is simply that their mouth is displaying the action going on in the brain.  

But, yes, of course I talk to myself.  We all do.  All day, every day we talk to ourselves.  This is one of our brain's main functions.  In fact, our cerebellum is significantly larger than any other created animal because we do this "higher level thinking".  Animals do not.  We are always--and forever---working out problems, processing information, expecting the future, commanding our bodies, and discussing big ideas with ourselves.  Certainly that is one main function of our dreams, even as we sleep.  We are talking to ourselves.  

I am struck this morning at how important it is to tell ourselves the Truth.  We need to speak to our own souls, just as David did.  

Actually it makes me think of that memorable scene in the movie, While You Were Sleeping.  The main character, Lucy, says out loud---almost unconsciously--- "Oh! I was going to marry that man." (a man she had never met). A nurse, overhearing her comment, mistakes her self-talk as being reality and introduces Lucy to man's parents as his fiance.  Eventually when she comes clean of the misunderstanding, the nurse (who overheard) says, "Next time you talk to yourself.  Tell yourself you are single and end the conversation!"  

Sometimes I simply need to tell myself the truth and end the conversation. 

Is that what David is doing in Psalm 103?  What self-talk was going on in his head, I wonder, when he speaks to his soul, "Praise the Lord, O my soul!  Praise His holy name.  Forget not his benefits.  Praise the Lord, O my soul!"  The whole of the Psalm is filled with Truth after Truth after Truth.  He is proclaiming to His own soul, "This is who God is, this is who I am, this is what I have received from God..."

Or, in Psalm 42, what was going on within David when he says, "Why so downcast, O my soul?  Put your hope in God!"  He is commanding his own soul to trust God.  He stands on his own soap-box and speaks Truth to his own soul.  

So, this morning, me-alone-with-God, with my coffee cooling, I spoke Truth to my own soul.  "The Lord, Stephanie, is compassionate.  He is gracious and slow to anger.  Stephanie, your God is abounding in love!" 

What will you say to yourself today?

The Way Forward...

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At times there is a passionate fight within that rises up.  This passionate fight is very difficult to contend with, to be sure.   Like a young child in tantrum with balled-up fists, stamping her foot on the ground, so my heart seems to cry loudly, "No, I don't want to!!"  

I don't want to!
  
or, ...My way, my wants, my rights...  or, This IS the right way...  You're not doing it right... No, this is what I want!...
  
...these words become the language of my heart.

When I feel this rise within, I am often of two minds, really.  One part of me longs to be like Jesus--- to walk this journey of selflessness and humility.  Truly.  And, in those moments, I pray.  Yet, still, it seems the screaming tantrum drowns out the prayers.  The childish-Stephanie rears up and like a loud gong her cries cover my heart blocking out softness and gentle tones.  It truly feels like I simply cannot "win" against her--- this stamping-foot-selfish girl.

I know what I should do and yet, I do it not.  (Romans 7:14-25)

She screamed at me yesterday.

 There was something my husband wanted me to do.  A discussion.  A plan.  ...and, I simply didn't want to do it.  Oh! The battle raged within.  Not words, but feelings--- "I don't want to!"  "You can't make me!" yelled one side of me.  And, this side of me won.  Hands down, no contest victory.

My husband was gentle and humble of heart and he gave way.  I am sorry to admit this.  Deeply sorry.  But, it is the truth.  He walked the road of humility and offered much grace.  He walked the hard road with love as his guide.

This is what the Spirit of God whispered into my heart this morning, "the language of love".

"Oh!" my heart soared this morning as a bit of Light dawned on my mind, "The answer!"

I had been asking Father to show me how I walk this road of humility.  How do I take a step forward, Father?  His first answer given last week was to look at His son, to follow Jesus.  His second answer came today--- the language of love.

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Thank you Lord, for some light on my path!!  The pathway forward is love.

Love as the path.  Love as the shoes on your feet.  Love as the light shining forth your next step.  Love as the trusted cushion to shield your falls.  Love.

When my two children were young they threw tantrums.  A young child is bound to tantrum.  Mine certainly did.  And, I loved them through those tantrums.  But, love didn't mean "putting up with" the bad behavior---that wouldn't have been kind or helpful.  No, love meant discipline, training, punishment and often a non-responsiveness that discouraged the screaming fits of my two year old babies.  But, in love, we did indeed make our way through the selfish tantrums that both my children had.

So, this Lord, this is the way forward... love.   Look at Jesus, follow Him AND love.  

Today, I see a bit more clearly into this dark, hard road of humility.  I understand one more thing:  I can only walk it in Love, under Love, with Love and trusting Love.   Love is the only language that will drown out the ugly cries of my childish self and sin.

Passionate Love will crush that passionate fight within---these ugly tanturms.  Love will lead and release me into the beauty of humility.

A hard road...

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There is a road that I believe my Father is inviting me to walk on... one, I truly barely understand...one that intimates me and feels like a dark, almost-scary path.  
  
But, His invitations to this journey have become frequent and His whispers more intense.  I know it is where He wants me and so I must follow, mustn't I?  
  
This journey I speak of is a journey into humility and selflessness.  Humility.  
  
Isn't there a funny Christian motto often repeated, one that goes something like, "Never pray for 'patience' or 'humility'" Or, something akin to "be careful what you ask for... you just might get it"?  
  
A. W Tozer speaks of the "self-life" or the "labor or self" as one of the heaviest sins that veils our hearts and dampens our walks with God.  (Pursuit of God)   My self-life does weigh heavy over my eyes and my heart often!  
  
Andrew Murray, speaks of humility when worn by believers as being exceedingly  "beautiful" and "becoming".  (Humility)  I can instantly recall and picture the beauty I have witnessed "being worn" by humble believers I have known.  It is attractive!  

Thomas A. Kempis, shares that humility should be one of our first and foremost goals as believers in Jesus.  (The Imitation of Christ)  Is this the top of my prayer list--- my "asks" of God?
  
And, C.S. Lewis says that, "Humility is not thinking less of yourself, but of thinking of yourself less".
  
To think of myself less.  Hmmm....   That is very hard.  Very, very hard, indeed.    
I think of myself a lot.  All day, every day.  How can I break free from this body of death?!  (Romans 7:24)
  
But, I hear the sweet call from my Lord to follow Him on this road and to learn from Him.  "Come to me all who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble of heart, and you will find rest for your souls." (Matthew 11:29)
  
Rest for my soul... that is the end of this road to humility.  And, closeness to Jesus... this is the end of this journey into self-death.  
    
And, so I will respond and I will continue to ask Him to teach me.  Jesus I will take this road with you.  Please lead me and walk with me.  Be at my right, my left, above and below me.  Jesus, teach me humility and gentleness---straight from your heart to mine.  

A man can counterfeit love, he can coutnerfeit faith, he can coutnerfeit hope and all other graces, but it is very difficult to counterfeit humility.  ~D.L.Moody

Do you wish to rise? Begin by descending. You plan a tower that will pierce the clouds? Lay first the foundation of humility. - St. Augustine

Crashing Lies... calming Truth

Sometimes a lie comes crashing into my heart.

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Sometimes my mind is flooded with doubts and lies--the stream of accusation sending me on a distracted journey into guilt---a dangerous terrain.

This morning a lie crashed in and tried it's best to carry me away.  Today it was, "Your not doing enough".

  ..."not enough" hissed through the beginnings of my quiet time with the Lord.

I wrestled with these words, these thoughts.  Just before I was swept away, I uttered a slight quiet prayer, something like "Lord have mercy on me"... but coming forth from my lips as a deep sigh and an "ugh!!"

In response, I instantly felt prompted to pick up His Word and read.  Read truth.

As I opened God's Word, light streamed in and the noisy lies ceased.  As if a direct answer to the streaming lie, I read, "Jesus gave them this answer:  I  tell you the truth, the Son can do nothing by himself; he can only do what he sees the Father doing, because whatever the Father does the Son also does.  For the Father loves the Son and shows Him all He is doing."  (John 5:19)

Jesus was being accused by the Jews.  Lies crashed all around him.  They didn't like what He was doing or who He was.  They accused Him and tried to destroy Him. (John 5:18). In response to the accusation, he answered  them with the simplicity of His relationship to the Father.  He pointed to the Father.  And, He pointed to His actions as an extension of the Father's will.

He rested in the security of doing what the Father wanted Him to do.  Case closed.  End of story.

I have an accuser.  And, this accuser speaks only one language:  lies.  Lying is his mother-tongue.  Jesus always answered accusation with Truth.  He always speaks truth.

Now, granted, Jesus was much better than I at knowing the Father's will and His desires.   His clarity and discernment were unhindered by sin. Certainly sin and self often hinder my ability to know what the Father would have me do.  And yet.

And yet...  I am His.  I am asking.  And, I am attempting to listen, to follow and to do.  Failures and all...

...it is the deepest desire of my heart to do the Father's will.  I long, Father, to join You and to walk with You and do exactly what you would have me do today!  

So, when the "not enough" lie pummels my mind again, I will answer it with the truth that, Stephanie can do nothing by herself.  She can only do what she sees the Father doing!  And, her Father loves her and will show her what to do today.  
  
And, truth calms the crashing lies.

He is All

I feel my weakness.  I feel my neediness rising this lovely Monday morning.

I don't need a thing...  she sings and reminds me.

My good Shepherd brings me all---  You are all I need.  
  
You let me catch my breath, even in the valley of death.  You are all I need.  
  
All I need to be complete is Your love.  Your blood---it covers me!  
  
You lift up my head.  You provide the wine and bread.  
  
You. 
  
You are all I need.  


from JJ Heller's, All I Need

Painful squabbling

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When I hear them squabble... which they (indeed!) do from time-to-time...it grieves my heart.  Brother and sister.  They pick at each other and poke and bite.  It is painful.

It is painful to listen to them fight, to argue, or to be unkind.

In their words and their actions, I see so clearly the pride and self-centered-ness that plagues our human race.  In their tones and in the tenor of their voices, I hear so clearly the yuck that mucks my own heart.  Ugliness.  Stink.

"Did you hear the way you just spoke to your sister?" I ask of my son.

Why is it so hard, Lord to be kind.  I struggle, too.

I read in His Word about loving genuinely and preferring others above myself.  I read that we are to put on love, grace and humility. I read "as much as depends on you, live at peace with all men." (Romans 12:18)

And, I read Jesus' invitation to come to Him to learn about humility and gentleness. (Matthew 11:29)

And, I realize, again---it is something we need to learn.  I need to learn.  Simply put, it doesn't come naturally.  Both of my sweet kids came out of the womb feeling that they were the center of the universe and not wanting to share or to prefer others.  They didn't want to share their toys, their space or their mother!  And, yet, they can learn.  They are learning.

And, so am I.  ...slowly.

"Did you hear the way you spoke to your husband, Stephanie?"  the Spirit of God whispers to my heart.

Why is it so hard, Lord to be kind and gentle?  

I wonder how He feels when He hears me squabble... even when it is only in my mind... with my brother or my sister?  Does it grieve Him or pain Him as it pains me to hear my children?

How good and pleasant it is when they dwell in unity!!  (Psalm 13:1)  When His children are living in unity, in love and in genuine affection for each other--- it smells good to our Father, "like precious oil running down Aaron's beard".

Teach us, Jesus to live in unity and to be humble.  Lead us into all truth, Spirit of God.  Father, guard us from the evil one and make us one, just as You are one with the Son.  We have so much to learn!  I have so much to learn!  

"Hope and faith will both come to an end when we die.  But love will remain.  Love is eternal.  Love comes from God and returns to God.  When we die, we will lose everything that life gave us except love.  The love with which we lived our lives is the life of God within us.  It is the divine, indestructible core of our being.  This  love not only will remain but will also bear fruit from generation to generation"  -Henri Nouwen, The Wounded Healer

Healthy Tears

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She really does cry a lot.   My sweet girl.

She can cry easily when angry or sad.  She can cry when she is happy or surprised.

In fact, she cried again on Sunday.  She was sharing about a loved one that is in pain and hurting.  She wanted prayer.  She cried her way through the request and the prayer.  It worried the youth leader a bit, I think.  It doesn't worry me.

She cries while she worships and she cries while talking about friends she loves.  She cries while others gather around and pray.  Compassion, justice and mercy issues being one of the top "sure" things that will make this sweet girl cry.  Tears come very freely to her and I truly, genuinely love this about her.

I love that she cries.

You see, I can't.  I have trouble crying.  I always have.  Well, I should say, I always have---as far as I can remember.  Did I cry more at one time in my life, I don't know.   But, in these adult years... these past 20 years, to be sure... tears are hard to come by for me.  It isn't that I am not sad.  It isn't that I don't have sadness and pain that could fill a bucket of tears.  I do.  I just can't seem to cry them out.   I am learning.  And, I am crying a bit more these days.  I have indeed asked God for this gift of tears.  And, He has answered slowly.    But tears don't flow freely for me like they do for my girl.

Free flowing.  Freedom.

Last night before bed she asked her daddy how it is that I contain my emotions so easily.  She was asking, so it seemed, in manner of admiration.  How does Mom do it?! she wanted to know.  She wanted to learn the trick.


Oh!  Baby-girl, you don't need to learn how to suppress tears!  Yes, there are appropriate times and places.  And, you will learn that.  You are learning that, already.  But, please don't learn from me how to not cry!  Your tears are beautiful.  Just beautiful.  Please keep crying.  

Today in science, we read the most fascinating thing about tears.  Did you know that the tears you shed while cutting an onion, or getting sand in your face, are different than the tears you shed when you feel a strong emotion?  These two type of tears are unique from each other and have different chemicals.  One has the chemicals needed to protect the eye and fight off disease.  The other, the emotional tears, have three remarkable, medicating chemicals to help you handle the strong emotions.

"These chemicals include manganse [to calm you], luicine-enkephalin [a chemical to control pain], and the adrenocorticotrophic hormone [to help cope with stress].  When you get rid of these chemicals by crying, the net effect is to make you feel better.  By releasing these toxins, then, the tears serve to chemically and physically make you feel less depressed!  Thus, it really is true that you tend to feel better after a good, long cry.  ...the emotional tears we shed are a gift from a Designer.  Since He built in us the capacity for emotions, He also built in us the ability to deal with those emotions.  One of those is the ability to sit down and have a good, long cry." ~  Dr. Jay L Wile, Exploring Creation with General Science.  

My girl smiled big when we read this section today.  She laughed and said, "I must be very healthy-- Releasing all those toxins!"  She isn't wrong.

She is healthy!  It must be because she cries alot.

So much to learn...

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I have so much to learn...

With a slight smile and a gleem in his eye, he begins to sing and dance around the kitchen. A silly, silly song.  Nonsense, really.  But, it brings a chuckle to my heart and a giggle rises up parting my lips to a smile.  I can't help but smile.  So, so goofy is my sweet boy.  Dancing and singing in the kitchen, while cleaning a cucumber for lunch.  Such joy!  Such fun.  And, he teaches me.

We all sit quietly side-by-side, hours of waiting, to process the renewal of passports.  In a room heaving with people, other applicants, I am annoyed and impatient.  She leans in, my sweet girl, and tells me that a woman behind me is about to break down in tears.  My sweet girl wants me to know so I, too, will pray for this woman---because she is praying.  She has been praying for those throughout the room whiles she waits.   And, she teaches me.

They sit and share the ins-and-outs of a difficult conversation last night.  Their future and livelihood are in jeopardy---ambiguity reigns in this circumstance.  But, they shares their deep and confident trust in God's provision.  They talk of the passion that wells up within them:   it is God's job to fix this---to lead and to provide... not mine, not theirs.  And, they teache me.

She doesn't comb her hair before she answers the door---a "bed head" mess from a quick afternoon nap.  And no makeup has touched those lips today.  And, yet she confidently, joyfully, and with out hesitation welcomes me in.  It is as if she is completely unaware of her outward appearance.  She rests in who she is and simple beauty exudes from her.  And, she teaches me.

We sit quietly next to each other, reading.  But, he just must share about what he is thinking as he reads.  He can't help but lean over and show me, engage me in the "discussion" that is going on in his head as he wrestles with the writer and her thoughts about God.  He questions and pokes.  He doesn't just read and take it in as I might do... he "talks" with the author and His God.  He prods and he argues.  It doesn't sit right.  "Something isn't right about what she is saying here," he says.  And, he teaches me.

She stops, while on her way, to answer my question.  A stupid question, really.  But, she stops in her tracks and gives me her time.  Her space.  Her heart.  She communicates with words and her eyes that I am her priority right now---as if she has all the time in the world.  I know she doesn't.  But, she gives of herself so freely, so naturally, so graciously.  And, she teaches me.

She writes with such vulnerability it almost hurts to read.  She allows me in as she shares her heart and pours out pain onto a computer screen.  She is weak.  She is faulty and fragile.  She is in need of God and doesn't care who knows.  And as I read her writing, she teaches me.

I have so much to learn today.
And, I have a world of people to learn it from.

My brothers and sisters are always teaching me, if I am ready, willing and able to see and hear.  They teach me.  And, today, I am aware I have much to learn.  So, I listen to his silly song and watch the gleem in his eye, the joy in his heart.  And, I learn a little today from this sweet boy.

I listen to her compassionate heart and ask the Lord to open mine.  And, I learn a bit more today.
They teach me.

Insecurity again... or, should I say... pride, again.

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I just naturally and generally think I am right.
  
In my gut somewhere, my opinion on a certain subject feels correct and right. It isn't that I don't question myself--- I do often.  And, I often feel insecure, as well.  Insecurity and pride are so closely linked, though, it is hard to separate the two.  Like friends in a vicious, spiraling, twisted up, co-dependent relationship so are arrogance and insecurity.
  
But, generally, I do feel right about a lot of things.  And, I judge.  I compare.  I am talking about my way of doing things, the values that I hold, the deep seated truths about how to do or to be...  in these things it is hard to see beyond self--- beyond Stephanie.
  
C.S. Lewis says, "Humility is not thinking less of yourself but thinking of yourself less." 
  
I think of me way too often.  I know it is ugly.  Ugly and twisted.  It sounds particularly horrid saying it out loud or to write it down, I know.  But, it is true.  Am I alone here?
  
Sunday morning I was struck with Christ's words, "learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart."  (Matthew 11:28-30)
  
Yesterday morning I read, "Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love." (Ephesians 4:1-2)
  
And this morning I read, "No matter how far we have moved in the Christian life, we can still know that every opinion we hold and every act we perform is something less than the best.  We never have the Holy Spirit in our pockets, completely domesticated and supporting everything we are doing." ~Harvey Seifert, Liberation and Life 
  
Three days, three separate places...  is there a theme here for me, Lord?  (smile)
  
So, I wonder today if it is time (again) to pick up that classic, deeply challenging book by Andrew Murray, Humility.  
  
Is it time, again, Lord to delve into my pride, self righteousness and my self centeredness?  That is never a fun journey, I might say!
  
But, how can I resist the sweet invitation from my Jesus as He says to me, "Come to me!"  "Learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble of heart."  For with this invitation comes a beautiful promise, "and I will give you rest for your souls."
  
Pride and Insecurity takes their toll on a soul.  Self righteousness and self centeredness are tiring and bring exhaustion to the spirit.  Jesus offers Himself and He offers rest.  Teach me Jesus.  Teach me to be gentle and humble of heart.