What should I be feeling?
What does faith feel like?
When full of faith, is it courage you might feel? Or, joy? Or, peace? Does faith and happiness go together? Or, can faith feel sad? I don't know exactly...
What should I be feeling as I walk this journey of faith?
I have asked the Lord for healing. He has spoken His love, His sovereignty and His care over my mind, my body and my soul. Daily He has been giving me gifts of faith; hard, but good, lessons of love and faith. I have been walking and growing in belief that He will indeed heal me: in His time and in His way. I have become convinced that He would "sort-it", make a way, and heal me.
And, now I have a surgery date on the calendar. In June, so it seems, I will be having a surgery that should help significantly to decrease my pain and suffering. This surgery is such a blessing from God. The trained, knowledgeable hand of a compassionate doctor will perform an operation that will bring considerable health to my body.
And,to-be-sure, this surgery date hasn't come easily. Small and large miracles surround even the very date scheduled... an insurance company that wasn't paying--- but will. A doctor that wasn't available--- but will be. Lost records and mishandling of a case--- but worked out and cleared up. And, a secretary (a total stranger) who is willing to work extra hours and fight for a Saturday operation.... which is an anomaly.
What should I be feeling about this? While I do feel excited on one level. ...I don't feel 'overly' happy, peaceful, or courageous. My dear friends who have joined me in praying for His healing seem "more" excited than I do. And, to be honest, I am not sure I even trust that it will actually happen. I question. How many times have I had my "hopes" raised and crushed.
Am I just protecting myself? ...possibly. Protection, I believe, isn't faith.
I don't know. What is it that faith feels like?
Because I don't feel much... but I still believe.
I still know deeply that my Father in heaven is working and will sort it out. He will make a way. He will and is healing me. I trust this.
...can I trust this and yet, still walk cautiously toward this surgery. Or, should I be running with abandon? Should I be shouting-out gratefulness and thanksgiving?!
I just don't know.
What I do know is that I must trust my kind Father-God. I will look to Him as my only hope... and not this surgery. And, I will ask that He would use whatever means necessary to sort it out, make a way and heal me. ...in His way. and in His time. I will trust Him. I do trust Him.
Maybe that doesn't sound much like faith... But, I guess it is what faith feels like to me.