"I count myself one of the number of those who write as they learn and learn as they write." ~St. Augustine

Saturday, May 14, 2011

What shall I do?

What shall I do?

Today, I sat and asked. I was upset and weary to heart about (yet again) one more turn in the road. More than once today, I cried out ...verbally and from the heart ... what shall I do, Lord?

Finding myself a bit stuck again in the quest for solutions to my on-going physical pain, I only know One way to turn. I turn to my Father-in-Heaven and ask Him, "What, now? What is it I should do?"

In an unrelated conversation at lunch, my 8 year old son stated, "Wouldn't it just be nice if we could get a direct "yes" or "no" answer from God?" This sweet son mused, "We could say, 'God should I do this?' and He would say, 'Yes' or 'No'".

"Wouldn't that be nice, mom?"

Yes, that would be nice, my sweet son. It would be really nice. In fact, today, it would be fabulous...

And, sometimes God does answer that directly. ...but, more often, I am finding, His answers are not so direct. ...not so clear. We have to discern what He is saying. We have to listen long, listen hard and treasure things in our hearts. We have to wait to hear from Him.

"Why?", freckled-faced boy asked me.

...because He wants relationship with us. He wants us to linger in His Presence and to be quiet long enough to listen. He doesn't want us to be robots. And, He doesn't to be a "gum-ball machine" (as my dear friend is fond of saying). I put my quarter in, twist a metal thing and get a "red one" or a "green one". He isn't a gum-ball machine.

He isn't a machine, my son. And, neither am I.

God is a Father. He is a lover. He is a friend.

Fathers, Lovers, and friends want dialogs and relationship. They want heart-to-heart learning of each other. They want eye-to-eye communication. I believe that is what God wants with His children, His Bride, and His friends.

He wants relationship.

"I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master's business. Instead, I call you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father, I have made known to you."

Slowly, I think, I am learning this Friend. I am learning His language. Slowly but surely, I am learning to hear from Him and discern His "Yes" and "No". I am learning to sit, to watch, to read, to listen and to ponder.

But today, I just wanted an answer!! Right or left, Lord? Up or down, please, Lord? Which one? What shall I do?

And, today, He didn't answer my question in the manner I wanted.

I asked!

And He did answer. Or, at least He continued the conversation with me.

He did respond.

All morning long, I asked, What shall I do?

This afternoon, He answered, "As the Father has loved me, so I have loved you. Now, remain in my love." (John 15:9)

Remain in my love.

What shall I do? I asked. His answer: Remain in my love.

Not exactly the answer I was goin' for! Not exactly the gum-ball I was hoping would drop!

But, He did answer. He always will respond. And, I will continue to ask. And, I will continue to listen.

Today, not knowing which way to turn, Lord... not knowing what I should do...

I know I will remain in Your love.
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