Grab Your Hammer

The look on his face was priceless.  At 16 years old, my son is well accustomed to doing his own laundry. Yesterday, his dad, as an act of love and kindness folded his clean clothes. It was just a mundane moment of love... not difficult for Dad, right?  It took only minutes of his time.  But, to my son... it was a gift.

We heard the surprise and confusion in his voice, calling from upstairs, "Did you fold my laundry, Mom?"  Nope, I said.  It was Dad.

The look on his face, as he ran downstairs, was beautiful- such gratefulness.
One small act of love.  One small gift received.

My husband had told me that morning he had felt God's nudge to do it.  He quickly and quietly obeyed this prompting.  ...and reaped a tender moment with his boy.

The giving of love, the receiving of love.  Did that small act matter yesterday?  Did that count?

We tend to enumerate and count big things in our world, don't we?  There are certain 'big things' that we take note of and admire---changing the world kind of "big" things.  We count and keep track of the biggies.  Money, fame, admiration, beauty, service, and "likes" all are important if they are BIG.  Numbers.  Growing numbers.  If they can be counted or named.  Seen.

But, what if...

What if it really is just the small and mundane things that matter?

Are we all sold a bill of goods in the idea that we have to all do something "big" and significant?  How often have I heard a call to "change the world!" (the whole world, really!?) or, as a child, the mantra "you could even be President!"  Big things.  Presidential things.  Important things.

What if its just simply about the day-to-day, every day things of life... the cooking dinner, talking to a friend, driving to work, answering email,  'hello' to the shop attendant, praying, reading, exercising, cleaning the kitchen, sweeping a back porch...  these every day life realities--- what if they are truly the highest moments- ripe with the most significance?

I am reading a book right now that is stirring in me and prompting such profound discontent.  The book is titled and propagated as a book on contemplation, prayer, and journeying with God.  I read the author's continual reminders of all the 'big' things she has done and is doing because of, or alongside, her contemplation and prayer.  Almost as if prayer leads to doing great things.  Sprinkled and spread within the nooks and crannies of her writing are the assertion of work-with-impact in significant places.

What if prayer doesn't lead to great things... what if prayer is a great thing?

My small life, in a very small place,... my one-person-at-a-time, one moment-at-a-time life...  has been screaming at me as I read--- voices accusing me of laziness, not-enoughness, and nothingness.  Does it matter that I spent time in prayer today---praying for one small person in a small place?  Is that work of significance?  This critical voice tells me that my small life is less than.  What if that voice is lying to me?  What if...?

What if...

Twice this week I happened upon the story of Noah in Genesis.  At first glance, I felt the tug of this "huge" thing that Noah did.  Right?  It felt like an affirmation and nod to the accusations I have been feeling.  Noah had a huge impact!  He saved humanity from extinction, for goodness sake!  Or did he?

As I have been digging in and reading further, another thought has occurred to me---another Voice.

What did Noah actually do?  God saw the future.  God spoke.  God brought the animals.  God closed the door.  God brought the rain and sustained the little boat above the waves.  Really, when it comes down to it...Noah just built a boat.

He built a boat.

He picked up a hammer and some nails...  and made a really large boat.  That is actually what he did.

People build boats every day.  Right?  Johnny Cash wrote some songs and sung them.  Stephen King put some words on a screen.  And, Monet took some color and splashed it about---beautifully---on a canvas, or two.  But, actually, Cash, King, Monet and Noah really just lived their everyday life... eating, drinking, sleeping, cleaning, and living lives.  For better or worse, they danced their dance.  Just like you and me.

Color on a page.  Words on a screen.  Songs on an instrument.  A nail and a hammer.

With this thinking in mind, a new phrase sits with me now when I think about Noah's story. There is a profound and huge statement in Genesis 6:22... "Noah did precisely everything the Lord commanded him to do".

There it is!  That's it, right?!

My husband, yesterday, felt God's whisper to fold laundry...  and he obeyed.  If writing Scripture today, would God inspire the words, "And Dave did precisely everything the Lord commanded him to do."

Oh, how I long for this to be true of me!

The "whatever you do, whatever you eat or drink, do it all to the glory of God"(1 Corinthians 10:31) and "whatever you do, word or deed, do it all in the name of Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father" (Colossians 3:17)

What if I was like Noah... I go about my day, listening to God's command and doing "exactly what God commanded". What if I pick up my hammer and nails and build a boat?  What if my task today is to pray?  What if He nudges me to worship?  What if my folding laundry life is the big thing for today... the obedient, worshipful, honoring thing that God would have me do.

What is the look on God's face when we obey and actually do what He wants, I wonder?  I would guess its profoundly beautiful and priceless.

Instructed Day after Day

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I love education.  I love learning.  I really do.

Give me a few quiet moments in my day, and you will find me watching a Ted Talk, reading a book, or listening to a pod cast on the Enneagram or the topic of brain science.  I just can't get enough.  Every time I scroll past one of those MasterClass advertisements online, I just want to take the class.  I wish it wasn't so expensive---I would totally sign up!  I don't care what the topic---although to be fair some are more intriguing than others to me---but, I just want to watch and learn.

I really love learning.

I have always said, I could happily be a full-time student.  ...Sitting in class, listening to lectures, reading books, writing and discussing interesting topics.  I was born a student.

So... it struck me this morning as I was reading Psalm 19:1-2:

The heavens declare the glory of God;
    the skies proclaim the work of his hands.
Day after day they pour forth speech;
    night after night they reveal knowledge.

It struck me as I studied the Hebrew words here in this text.  I have a teacher who is always speaking, always declaring and recounting.  I have an instructor available to me day after day who will reveal to me knowledge and wisdom.  I do indeed sit in a classroom night after night.

What do the heavens teach and declare?  What do the skies proclaim and recount?
What is God's creation speaking forth to me---every single moment of each day?  

I can learn so much from God's handiwork, His creation.  It speaks.  It tells and teaches me about Him that made it... it instructs me of His glory.  

Lift your eyes, Stephanie.

May I continue to learn to sit up, take notice, listen to this lecture, read it, take notes and discuss this all important topic!

Can't Quite Reach It

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There have been many thoughts and lessons from Leviticus lately.  I continue to find myself amazed at God's kindness in His Word and His revelation of Himself.  How often, though, have I also found myself utterly confused in this book?  Sitting with the confusion, turning not away from God in doubt or frustration, but turning toward Him to engage with Him, has been the key to this journey.

A wonderful thought:  don't turn away from God and wonder.  Just turn toward Him and wonder. Stay curious.  Why I don't do this more often in all of life?  Maybe I will now...

It makes sense, right?  If my husband's words or actions confuse me it is best ask him directly about it... not to "make it up as I go" and try to figure him out.  Instead, I can just ask him, "I am confused.  Why did you say that?  I don't quite understand you. Can you say it another way?"  Or, "Tell me more about how you think about this/or that?"  My husband's reply will give me another clue in understanding him, his words and his actions.  

So, why not go right to the source?

Why, Lord, do you say that a baby calf and it's mother cannot be killed on the same day?  What is your heart here?  Why do you one minute command your people to stone the man who blasphemed your Name... and then the very next verse you tell them not to take the life of a human?  I don't get it. What is Your heart here?  Would You tell me more?  

The discussions have been far, wide and deep.  There are possible questions and dialogue within every verse!  Often I don't get an answer; or not exactly.  Instead I might have a thought, another verse, or a clue to more of Him.  And, sometimes, I get "nothing" (or what I perceive as nothing).  I had total silence for days on the calf and cow question!  (smile)  But, that is okay, too.  If my husband can continue to remain a mystery to me after 23 years of marriage---certainly God can and will!!  

Recently, there has been a lesson lingering that I just haven't been able to grasp;  like a floating "answer" or knowledge that is just out of my reach.  With clues and words and sitting for days waiting, I have been asking Him about holiness (in all it's Levitical appearances).  And, the answer to the why and what and tell me more behind all this holiness seems to be dancing right on the edge of my consciousness. I believe God has been whispering, but I can't quite hear Him and can't quite understand what He is saying...  

Until this morning... When I picked up another book.  

What a gift the community of God is to us!  We need each other.  This morning, my brother Larry Crabb's written words reached out and grabbed the lesson that God had been whispering all week to me.  His words in 66 Love Letters were an invaluable help to me this morning.  

This beautiful book is Dr. Crabb's journaling his own journey through Scripture; one book at at time.  Wanting my own, unique journey with the Father, I had decided not to read Dr. Crabb's journal until I finished mine.  I read and finish the book of the Bible, then I read Crabb's journey through that book---my modus operandi for this adventure. 

Crabb's words and insight were like a long arm reaching out to grasp that which God has been saying to me for days.  

It's not for this blog post to write here what God has spoken to my heart. What I will say is this...  I am hungry for more!!  I cannot get enough of God's Word and engaging with Him about His thoughts, His heart and His Self.  

What I do feel compelled to say here is this...  Keep asking Him.  Keep reading.   Give it time and sit with it.  Don't leave the conversation too soon.  Keep wrestling.  And, involve the community you have--- your friends, your spouse, your kids.  Read other good books.  And, keep asking.  He is ever ready to show more of Himself to you!  

This Disease is Killing Us

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I treasure those beautiful moments when you are speaking truth to a friend and, it seems, the Holy Spirit is simultaneously nudging and whispering, "Are you listening to this?"  Like a mirror reflecting an image, your own voice bounces back and you hear yourself...  or you hear His voice in your words.

It is that very moment when the words of truth pouring out are the very water my soul needs.   Pouring out and drinking in, all at the same time.

I was speaking with a friend who was sharing her new diagnosis of a long-term illness: an illness I am very, very familiar with.*  She was sharing with me her fears and her anxieties.  Of course she is afraid!  Of course this is troubling.  It sucks!  I hear you, friend.  I hear you.

After listening and empathizing with the frustration, sadness and "suck-ness" of her situation, I heard these words slip out of my mouth, "I have had this disease for 30 years.  And, I promise you--- I promise you!--- the worry and fear, through the years, has robbed FAR more from me than the disease has ever done".  Yes, disease robs and steals.  But, worry and fear rob far more.

Worry robs more than reality.  Every time...  

Worry robs more... 

Always.  It is just the truth.

I have been reading a lot about the brain recently and we know, even scientifically, that worry is a future oriented thought process.  In order to worry, we have to be thinking of the future---not the now. Not the real, right-now reality of our lives.  Worry is the "what ifs" and "will it?" "will they?" and the "how will I?", "can I?"...  The worry isn't real.  It isn't true.  It is make believe.  Always.  Tomorrow may truly never come.  Tomorrow isn't real, or true.  Worry about tomorrow, according to brain experts, is simply a waste of important energy.  Unfortunate, unproductive (even damaging) and a wasteful firing of neurons.

(Funny how science eventually catches up with the Bible... Matthew 6:34 and James 4:13-14)

This 'make-believe' we play in our heads steals and robs from our today.  In fact, it is literally physically killing us.  When we worry and fear, our bodies release a powerful hormone; one that can throw off the balance of all our body chemistry and has detrimental affects on our health and well being when it is regularly released.  Worry is deadly.  Worry and fear steal from our minds, our bodies and our souls. They do very little to help us.  (...the occasional need to run from a bear or escape an earthquake are the rare times that we are grateful for this hormone released from worry or fear!)

I have learned through the years to stop and prayerfully ask myself two questions:  First, "what story am I telling myself?"  and, secondly,  "What is real? or What is actually true, the mere facts, right now?"

Answering these questions brings grounding.  While grounded in the now, I can connect to the real of Jesus here.   Him here today.  Now.

I am learning.  I see it.  And, I am grateful.

I don't know if my friend was able to take-in the testimony I was sharing...  "the worry and fear have robbed more than the disease".    I'm not sure it was for her that day.  I think it may have been just for me.   A good reminder.  I need not worry about tomorrow.  I need never be afraid.

I heard it, Lord.  I hear it and choose again today to trust You.

*If you are curious and would like to read more about my health, healing, and physical journey--- you can read here, here and here (and many other places on this site...)

Daily Invitation to Rest

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Life can be very loud.  The noise isn't always discordant.  It is just noise.  Things to do. Places to be.  People to see.  Life's daily orchestra playing day-in-and-day-out---the instruments of people, appointments, and laundry.

The choice for solitude and silence is never easy.  Quiet and calm aren't easy to find.

Then to add to the hubbub of life there are noises in my heart; or, better said, from my heart.  In my mind and in my soul is a cacophony of sound shouting for attention.  Worries about this and about that.  Concerns about him and about her.  Plans for this...  Fixing that...  Wondering and hoping...  I am calculating and re-living.  I am analyzing and accusing.  The noises are numerous--and loud.  

Quiet and calm aren't easy to find.  But, they are available.

Often I find calm and quiet in a good book.  As a habit, I attempt to read regularly.  I read mostly because I need to remember.  I need to be called-back and to be reminded.  I read because I have a need for deep dialogue. Sometimes I desperately need right thoughts to counter the clamor filling my mind and my heart.   I don't read looking for new or profound things.  I read to remember and "talk" about True things:  old things and learned thing.

Currently I am having a lovely "conversation" with Eugene Peterson in Eat this Book.  And, last night in Richard Foster's Prayer, he kindly reminded me of the beautiful invitation I have from God to come to Him and rest.  

Rest.  

The prayer of rest, Foster calls it and I read his story.  Foster reminds me of the words of my brother, Jesus:  "Come to me all who are weary or heavy... and I will give you rest for your souls" (Matthew 11:28).  

My mind needs rest.  My body needs rest.  And, most certainly, my soul needs rest.  Often.  

So, I responded to Richard's reminder.  I closed the book.  And, I sat.  I entered the Rest offered.  

Be still.  

Just be still, Stephanie. 

Be still and know.  

Know, right now, my love. 

Be still and know that I am God.  

And, in that moment the voices died down.  The waters went still.  The to-do list was released.  The worries and the calculating were engulfed in a calm and a Presence that is my God!

Father, what a gift you give me in Yourself.  Jesus what an offer!  I choose You today.  I open my hands and I open my heart and I say, "yes" to the rest You offer me today.  Thank you.  Would You remind me again and again to remain in this Love...  to remain in rest... to remain in You!  

What do you see?

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His Word reminds me this morning that day and night, He pours forth speech.

"The heavens declare the glory of God.  The skies proclaim the works of His hands.  Day after day they pour forth speech.  Night after night they reveal knowledge.  They have now speech, they use no words; and yet, their voice goes out into all the earth.  Their words go into the whole world!"  (Psalm 19:1-2)

Through His Creation, my God is always speaking!  He displays His glory 24-7 and always has done since the dawn of creation.   He is faithful to show forth Himself.  He is constant in His proclamation of His deeds.  To the whole earth He is accessible... He is on display!  He tells the world who He is with no words, but with a Voice!

If we would only look.  

...and see.  ...and understand.  

I wonder even as I write, what is He saying about Himself through the rain today?  What piece of His character, or what Truth is on display through the young calf I saw grazing in the field?  ...the mud I trekked through?  ...That smile on my daughter's face, the laughter in the kitchen, that chatter of birds, that rushing wind and sunlight breaking through the clouds...  what do they say? 

These created things speak.  What do they say?  

While God trained Jeremiah for ministry, He tells him to look and see...  "What do you see, Jeremiah?"(Jeremiah 1)  He invites him to simply look... and see.  

Jeremiah answers with a straightforward answer to God's question, "I see the branch of an olive tree." 

"You have seen rightly," God coaches Jeremiah, with encouragement.  Good job, He says!  You are doing well... okay, now... moving on...  

Leading Jeremiah faithfully and gently forward  He is teaching him to see and to discern.  He asks him to look and see... then He helps him to understand what is being "said" through this vision.   

This morning while on my walk, I was mediating on Psalm 19 and praising God for His constant, faithful voice through Creation.  And, then as if prompted by the Holy Spirit, I had this quiet thought... a question, really:  "Stephanie, what do you see?"  

I looked around me and then, in prayer, I responded, "Lord, I see building after building after building.  But they all look so quiet.  So dark.  So still."

In my mind flooded the thought, "Ah... but there is life within."   Life within.

"Stephanie, I am always working, even when you don't see it."  

Day and night He pours forth speech!  May the eyes of my heart be awakened and may I see... and know and understand.  Teach me, Father how to see and how to discern.  

Crashing Lies... calming Truth

Sometimes a lie comes crashing into my heart.

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Sometimes my mind is flooded with doubts and lies--the stream of accusation sending me on a distracted journey into guilt---a dangerous terrain.

This morning a lie crashed in and tried it's best to carry me away.  Today it was, "Your not doing enough".

  ..."not enough" hissed through the beginnings of my quiet time with the Lord.

I wrestled with these words, these thoughts.  Just before I was swept away, I uttered a slight quiet prayer, something like "Lord have mercy on me"... but coming forth from my lips as a deep sigh and an "ugh!!"

In response, I instantly felt prompted to pick up His Word and read.  Read truth.

As I opened God's Word, light streamed in and the noisy lies ceased.  As if a direct answer to the streaming lie, I read, "Jesus gave them this answer:  I  tell you the truth, the Son can do nothing by himself; he can only do what he sees the Father doing, because whatever the Father does the Son also does.  For the Father loves the Son and shows Him all He is doing."  (John 5:19)

Jesus was being accused by the Jews.  Lies crashed all around him.  They didn't like what He was doing or who He was.  They accused Him and tried to destroy Him. (John 5:18). In response to the accusation, he answered  them with the simplicity of His relationship to the Father.  He pointed to the Father.  And, He pointed to His actions as an extension of the Father's will.

He rested in the security of doing what the Father wanted Him to do.  Case closed.  End of story.

I have an accuser.  And, this accuser speaks only one language:  lies.  Lying is his mother-tongue.  Jesus always answered accusation with Truth.  He always speaks truth.

Now, granted, Jesus was much better than I at knowing the Father's will and His desires.   His clarity and discernment were unhindered by sin. Certainly sin and self often hinder my ability to know what the Father would have me do.  And yet.

And yet...  I am His.  I am asking.  And, I am attempting to listen, to follow and to do.  Failures and all...

...it is the deepest desire of my heart to do the Father's will.  I long, Father, to join You and to walk with You and do exactly what you would have me do today!  

So, when the "not enough" lie pummels my mind again, I will answer it with the truth that, Stephanie can do nothing by herself.  She can only do what she sees the Father doing!  And, her Father loves her and will show her what to do today.  
  
And, truth calms the crashing lies.

Deeper in my gut

I live much of my life in my head.

I think a lot. ...maybe too much at times! Not that my thoughts are particularly profound or important; mostly they are not. Much of the time I am thinking on the mundane, the every-day, and the confusing. Tasks, to-dos, worries and cares can occupy or plague my mind through the day. But, regardless of what I am thinking, I do indeed think a lot.

In the last 10 years, silence and solitude have been extremely important to the vibrancy of my walk with God. I am so grateful for a mentor who opened my eyes to this essential concept by pointing us to Henri Nouwen's book, Way of the Heart.

So with the combination of "living in my head" and my need for silence, you can imagine that the tinnitus that I have experienced this past year has been quite a struggle for me! This "ringing" has been pretty-well constant and loud since September 2009. And, it can really throw me off!

This morning I sat for my solitude time with the Lord. As I sat there all I could hear was the ringing. R..i..n..g..i..n..g..!! (I can even distinguish three different tones).

Ugh. Father!! ...my heart cried out! Would you please heal this! I can hardly hear myself think. How am I to find you here and to hear Your voice?! Father, please... (this isn't the first time I have asked Him for healing. I can't count the number of times...)

The ringing continued and there was no healing. Not today.

But there was a whisper into my heart... loud and clear. I believe the Spirit answered my plea with a two simple words, "deeper still".

Deeper still, Stephanie.

The Kazakhs believe that you live life, your passions, your loves not from your head and not from your heart, but from your innards. They believe you life it from your gut. The word for "heart" in Kazakh... when you love someone or something "from your heart" ...is liver.

To a Kazakh you love your wife with your liver. You love your children with your liver. In fact when a Kazakh becomes a believer in Christ, he doesn't ask the Spirit of Jesus into his heart--- he asks the Spirit of God into his liver. The Spirit of God dwells in their gut.

Deeper sill, Stephanie.

I believe God is asking me to live from my gut. I believe He is inviting me to find Him deeper than my mind, my brain, my thoughts, my "beliefs". He wants me to know Him, love Him and find Him in my liver.

I know that we are wonderfully integrated beings... our "heads" and "hearts"--- our minds and souls --- our spirits--- are all beautifully integrated! But, I am simple minded. Truly, I am. And, so this distinction was helpful to me this morning.

Not from your head, Stephanie. ...know me from your liver. Go deeper still.

The stillness I seek is not to be found in my head. The silence isn't about my thoughts, the noise or my circumstances... that loud clock, the arguing kids, the laundry pile, or the construction next door.

I can find this silence, this stillness, this Presence, deeper still. I can ask the Spirit of God to well-up from my gut and fill my insides. I can imagine His living water moving, filling, and engulfing my innards.

So, I am asking Father God to show me Himself deep within. I am asking Him to well-up worship from my gut today... not from my head. I am asking Him to let my heart, my liver, inform my mind. I am asking Him to let His Presence deep within overshadow the ringing in my ears and the mundane thoughts in my head. I am asking Him to help me to go deeper still...

"Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flows the springs of life" Proverbs 4:23

Schooling Decision...His decision.

If I felt that it was a moral imperative to home school my two children, that would be very helpful. I don't.

I have seen the blessings of home schooling, yes. I have watched the fellowship and closeness that my kids have with each other and with us... which, in part, I attribute to home schooling. I have seen both my kids learning and excelling. I love the discussion we have during school and learning along with them about history and science.

But, I don't feel it is my moral obligation. And, I don't believe that it is a must--- from God or from Scripture. So, it leaves a question to wrestle with. ...Black and white are much easier for me to deal with. I like black and white! "Just tell me what to do!" and I will do it.

But, in this, it seems the Father wants a discussion and a dialogue... not a command with obedience.

I do believe that the Father has called us to school them thus far and I love the benefits that homeschooling has brought to our home... but, what does He want in this next season? I don't know. I have been asking Him this question now for a few weeks. The time is rolling around for me to buy next year's curriculum... and so we begin to pray. Father, would you have us school them at home this next year?

There are really great schools right here where we live---which is really a first for us. So, why continue schooling them at home? The pressure around me is pretty significant and at times a bit intense. There are many voices and opinions about what would be right for my kids. The opinions come streaming in from wanted (and unwanted) sources. ...Questions about them not being properly "socialized" or "challenged" or them "missing of opportunities" or "lacking friendships". The public schools here will offer drama, sports and music... free of charge. So, why continue to school them at home?

But, even though I am strongly drawn to the opinions of others (I do like to be liked!), theirs are not the voices I want to listen to. I want His voice, His direction, and His wisdom.

So, I pick an open page in the back of my journal and write the word "schooling". Daily I turn there and ask Him about it again... and I wait and listen. What might He be saying to me about this? I have written a few things there on that "schooling" page. ...things I think He might be saying.

I talk with my husband. We pray. We wait. We ask.
I talk with my kids. We pray. We discuss. We wait. Lord, we are listening... What would you have us do?

I am finding this a struggle. I can't say I am worried, exactly, and I feel surprisingly peaceful in the struggle. But, still I wrestle and wait.

If only the answer were easy... a black and white imperative from Scripture would be nice!

A familiar but unknown language

I don't always know what He is trying to say to me. God speaks in a familiar language... but, with tones, vocabulary and an accent that is still unknown.

God's word tells me that His people know His voice. The Word assures me that His kids will hear Him and listen obediently. "My sheep hear My voice, and I know them, and they follow Me". (John 10:27) I believe that He intends us to hear Him in many ways.

In the recent years, my idea of what this might look like has expanded and for this I am eternally grateful. I "hear" Him not only in my daily reading of His word and through great Bible teaching. But, also, I am hearing Him in music, books, and the words of a friend. Even more exciting for me more recently is that I am hearing Him in (through) His creation... His birds, His green hills, His wind and His waves. I am hearing Him more as I watch my children play and as I watch my dog disobey.

My spiritual ears are hearing Him more and more these days... But, so very often, I still do not know what He is trying to say. And, I so often, too, I don't hear Him at all.

On the train ride home tonight I couldn't help overhear a boisterous conversation next to me. Two young girls were chattering away at full speed, with much exuberance. You can just picture the scene... with hands waving and smiling faces they were interrupting each other and not noticing a bit! They were enjoying themselves and their little world, as if no one else was around, with full freedom.

As, I sat quietly and was bombarded with their words I assumed at first that they were speaking Welsh. It isn't terribly uncommon to hear Welsh spoken. But, only a minute into listening, I was shocked to find they were speaking English. Every four or five words I could recognized. As I listened more intently, I knew from the intonation that they were indeed speaking my language... and, yet, I could hardly make out what they were saying. How was this the same language that I speak?!

An accent to my ears, these two girls were having no trouble what-so-ever understanding each other and on they went. Again, as I listened, I could make out a phrase or a word... but, I just wasn't able to pick out even the theme or topic of their conversations.

This is how I feel with God sometimes.

I know His language... I read His Holy Word and I get a beautifully clear taste of God's thoughts, His words, His voice, and His tone. But, then again, sometimes even as I read the Word I am stuck in some places.

I don't always understand what He is trying to say in certain verses or passages of Scripture. Why does He say that in His Word? Why does He do that, or see things that way? I don't understand, Lord, can be a common enough conversation piece for the Father and I during my quiet times.

But I feel this even more so as I attempt to listen for Him throughout my day. Of course, sometimes it is just simply "not listening" or distraction that keep me from hearing. But, at other times it feels like I am watching and wondering... only catching every five words in the conversation that is going on all around me.

As I work throughout my day, watch my children and my dog, I feel I am listening in on God's conversations. ...But, I am only catching a bit here and there.

God's voice in my every day life is like a familiar language... it sounds familiar somewhere deep within. I know He is speaking and wants to speak to me. But, His accent is beyond me! I haven't listened enough, intently enough, to become more accustomed to the tones, the accent and the vocabulary. It takes time.

I have learned new languages before--- they all take time. Lots and lots of time. I have only lived in this country for 8 months. I know that in time the accents will become more familiar on the train. I know that I will learn and that the confusion that I feel when I try to listen will diminish in time.

I trust this is true in my listening to God, as well. I know that as I practice by sitting daily in His word... as I practice by "trying out" things I think He might be saying... as I practice opening my ears (and eyes) to the conversation all around me--- I am certain my ear will be trained more and more to His voice.

Father, teach me to hear you. Teach me to listen, to obey and to follow. Open my eyes, my ears and my heart to hear You and understand when You speak!

Soul Silence

Anyone who knows me well, knows that I love quiet. I thrive and am fed spiritually in an environment that is quiet... quiet to the ear, to the eye and to the mind. Finding my quiet "spot" (Mom's "quiet-time" chair in our living room) has been essential in every place we have lived--- and the places have been numerous. I even make efforts to find my quiet nook when I am traveling... Like a plant's need of sun light or water, is my need for stillness, solitude and quiet.

Upon moving to this quiet corner of the earth six months ago, I was sure that I had finally arrived! I was sure I would finally have quiet in my life, my world, my work and my home. But, my Father is kinder to me than to leave me alone in my quiet world. Not yet, He says.

Yes, He has brought me here to this sleepy place and yes, in some ways, it is slower and quieter. In many ways our circumstances allow us more "space" both spiritually and physically to have quiet. This is why we are here, in part. We want others to come, too, and experience the quiet rolling hills. And, yet, I am realizing more and more that the outward noise that I am faced with every day, does not compare to the significant noise that is within. I have a noisy heart and mind.

"If we have not quiet in our minds, outward comfort will do no more for us than a golden slipper on a gouty foot." - John Bunyan

My need for solitude and quiet is keen, yes. But, what I really need is soul silence... soul peace. The circumstances of life and the choices I make can affect this soul silence, to be sure. Real, every day rest and quiet moments with the Lord feed this soul silence greatly! But, the soul silence is an option in all circumstances... in all environments. This I know in theory... and have experienced it at times in practice. I want more. I want more soul silence.

Using John Bunyan's word, I want my golden-slipper environment to go on and around a healthy foot.

Father, kind Father, may I continue to learn to rest in You alone and to find my soul's quiet and peace in You... Your Presence.

Listening vs Hearing

"I always love to listen to you speak. Not that I can hear all you say... I can't! But, I love to listen to you speak."

This was said to my husband on Wednesday after we had the privilege of speaking at a prayer meeting. The sweet older woman must have been in her 90's and was clearly very hard of hearing.

With genuine kindness, though, she wanted Dave to know how much she loved it when we came. She anticipated it. She listened and loved it. But, she couldn't hear it all. She wished she could. But, she loved it none-the-less.

My heart felt so tender as he told me the story. Simple sweetness. I laughed out loud at her comment. What a perplexing paradox... I love to listen to you, but I can't hear you!

It struck me almost instantly that this is my heart toward God.

I love to hear Him speak. I do. I love to listen and I want to hear more. If God were to come to my church, I would make it a priority to show up!

What is crazy is that I know He shows up at church. I know He is everywhere and always present. He is always speaking. I love to listen to Him. But, I don't hear all He has to say. I just can't. My ears don't work very well when it comes to His voice and His truth. I know I miss so, so much of what He is saying... and still, I love to listen to Him speak.

Lord, open my ears. May I learn the tone of Your voice. May I listen for You more frequently Lord, as I listen for You to speak... may I hear You, may I hear all You have to say and not miss a thing.