Ancient Blogger

....warning... this is a very long blog post....  copy, paste, and print it out?  Get a cuppa and take a load off... and give it some time.....  That said, please do read it.  These are words spoken to us from long ago... and ancient friend to speak truth to our 'now' hearts.  

As humans it is difficult for us to see beyond ourselves...  We are generally, each one of us, self-centered.  Truly.  In psychological terms this can be referred to as the 'spotlight effect'.   

I wonder if this is why God had commanded us and so clearly told us--- so often--- to 'remember' and be aware of our forefathers, our history, and the reality of the community at large (to be aware of others!)  

It is difficult to see beyond ourselves.  It is also difficult for us to see beyond our time.  We know what we know now and find it challenging to reach back and understand the way of thinking, the values, the beliefs and the behaviours of another time.   100 year old philosophy, medicine, science, and even agriculture is hard to grasp for our minds---in fact, it often doesn't match what we know today, at all.  100 year ago thinking often looks silly, sometimes very wrong and definitely very different to our modern minds.  

700 hundred years ago is almost impossible.  Right?  

But,...then we get a glimpse...  just a peek into the hearts and minds of our forefathers and we stand amazed.  What if ... what if, what I believe now...  what if she believed it too?  700 years ago.  And, what if that which is true has always been true and will always remain true, for ever.  

...come age, come season, come nations falling and rising...  what was, is, and is to come remains.  Truth remains and has always been true.  

I have had this sense as I have plunged and journeyed slowly through, a second time, the writings of Julian of Norwich*.  She wrote in the late 1300s... one of the first known females to write in English.  (yes, even before Margery Kempe... who is currently 'known' for being the 'first')  

...so...  instead of recommending you read Julian of Norwich (well, because it is not a small task)... I have gathered my favourite quotes from her Long Text (my Cliff notes for you).  

Her writings remind me of my type of blogs.  Funny, right?  But, Julian is telling of what God has shown her (her 'shewings') and she is constantly sharing God's Word and the Truth that He is whispering into her heart and mind.  She does this in short sections to encourage her readers.  well,...that is what I have attempted to do here on Koodaigirl.  Let's just say that Julian is an ancient blogger---an ancient Gods-girl! 

Her words are so so so good, and so very sweet.  …What God showed her, such a gift to our time.  

Can I suggest you print this out and/or you read a few quotes at a time... take it in slowly?  Sit with the words.  Remember that this was not written in our time, from our vantage point, within our 'value' system, and our culture.  Let our sister's words amaze you.  Enjoy the fact that it feels so familiar.  

As you read, let your mind drift to Scriptures that come to mind, hymns that rise up, and sermons or books you read recently.  She is writing words of truth that have instructed us from the beginning...  Truth is always truth... and it will always stand the test of time.  

"Our Lord Almighty, all wisdom, all love---just as He has truly made everything that is, so He truly does and brings about all that is done."

"We are sustained securely in love, by the goodness of God, in misery as much as in joy."

"God is to us everything that is good, tenderly enfolding us; everything that is made is as nothing, compared with Almighty God; man has no rest until he counts himself and everything as nothing for the love of God."

"God is the maker, the carer, the lover.  Everything has its being through the love of God."

"God wishes to be known and is pleased that we should rest in him." 

"God, of your goodness, give me yourself.  You are enough for me, and I cannot ask for anything less.  If I do ask for anything less, I shall be in want.  In you alone, I have everything."

"Our souls must learn the wisdom of clinging to the goodness of God.  For truly our lover, God, wants our souls to cling to him with all their might."  

"We can contemplate with endless wonder at this high, surpassing, inestimable love that God Almighty has for us in His goodness."

"He has made everything that is made for love and by that same love everything is sustained."

"Continual seeking of God pleases Him very much, the soul moved by the Holy Spirit seeks, suffers, and trusts."

"The blessed Trinity is always completely satisfied with all His works.  He says, 'See I am God, I am in everything.  I do everything.  I never lift my hand from my work, nor ever shall, without end.  I guide everything to the end to which I ordained it.  How shall anything be amiss?'"

"Christ Jesus' passion is the devil's defeat.  Everything that God allows him to do turns into joy for us and to shame and misery for him (the devil)."

"The marvellous melody of endless love keeps us safe in sorrow and in joy.  To choose only Jesus for my heaven in both happiness and sorrow.  Everything seems insignificant to him in comparison to His love."  

"For it is God's will that we take true delight with Him in our salvation.  He wants us to be greatly comforted and strengthened, and through His grace He wishes our souls to be happily occupied in this, for we are His bliss; He delights in us with out end and so shall we in Him, through His grace." 

"Jesus says, 'Look how I loved you!' as if He said, 'Look and see that I loved you so much before I died for you that I was willing to die for you.'

"To bring to His bliss each person He loves, He lays on them something painful which is no defect in His sight on account of which they are rejected.  He does this to prevent damage of pomp and vain glory."  

"Contemplate the glorious atonement, for this atonement is incomparably more pleasing to the blessed Godhead and more glorious to man kind, then Adam's sin ever was harmful."  

"I can make all things well.  I will make all things well.  I shall make all things well; and you will see for yourself that all manner of things shall be well."  

"Everything helpful for us to know and understand, our Lord will most kindly show us, and what it is through the teachings of the Church.  He takes great pleasure in all men and women who strongly, humbly and willingly receive preaching and teaching in the Church."  

"God is always fully satisfied with Himself and with all His works"

"He wants us to love Him, to take delight in Him and to endlessly rejoice in Him."

"Let me be your whole love, my precious child.  Attend to me---I am enough for you.  Rejoice in your Saviour and in your salvation."

"The Lord revealed the completeness of love in which we stand in His sight--yes, that He loves us as much now while we are here as He will do when we are there, before His blessed face.  Our difficulty is because of failure of love on our part."

"It is a supreme act of friendship of our Lord that He looks after us so tenderly while we are in our sins; and furthermore, he touches us so very inwardly and shows us our sin by the sweet light of mercy and grace."

"Pray with all your heart, even if it seems to give you no pleasure, because it is helpful, even though you don't feel it.  Pray with all your heart, even when you feel nothing, though you see nothing.  For in dryness and in barrenness, in sickness and in weakness, then your prayers are most please to God."

"God teaches us to pray and firmly trust we shall have what we pray for; because He regards us with love and wants us to partner in His good work."

"It is proper for us, both through nature and through grace, to long and desire with all our might to know ourselves wand in this full knowledge we shall truly and clearly know our God in fullness of endless joy." 

"Man is changeable in this life and falls into sin through frailty and being overcome. During this time he is in turmoil, sorrow and misery and the cause is his blindness---because He does not see God, for if He saw God truly and continually, He would have no harmful feelings nor any sort of promptings the the cravings that lead to sin."

"The lack in not in God, but it is on our part; for through sin and wretchedness we have in us a wretched and continual resistance to peace and to love."

"Mercy works sweetly through love by grace, mingled with abundant pity because mercy works for our safekeeping.  Love never looks away from us nor does the operation of mercy ever cease."

"Without love we cannot live.  Our life is grounded and rooted in love and without it, we perish."

"We are not blessedly safe and in peace until we have our full contentment with God, His love, His  works, His judgements, with ourselves, and with fellow Christians.  God's goodness does this in us.  God is our true peace."

"While we are in this life, we have a marvellous mixture of both happiness and sorrow.  We have in us our risen Jesus and the misery of Adam's falling." 

"We ought to rejoice greatly that God dwells in our souls and can rejoice much more greatly that our souls dwell in God.  Our soul is made the be the dwelling place of God!"

"Our soul sits in God in true rest and our soul stands in God in sure strength and our soul is rooted in God's endless love." 

"We cannot  come to knowledge of our soul until we first have knowledge of God, our creator to whom it is united. For full understanding, we must long to know our own soul wisely and truly.  Through grace and by the Spirit we shall know them both."

"As truly as God is our father, so truly is God our mother.  Jesus is our true mother, feeding us not with milk but with Himself, opening His side to us and claiming all our love."

"Jesus wants us to have the nature of a child, always hurrying to him in our need."

"We shall know that in spite of our grievous sin, his love for us remains intact, and we were never of any less value in His sight.  Strong and marvellous is that love which cannot, nor will not be broken by our transgressions." 

"He wants us to behave like a child, for when it is upset or frightened it runs quickly to it's mother for help as fast as he can, so Jesus wants us to run saying, 'My gracious mother, Jesus, take pity on me.  I have made myself dirty and unlike you.  I neither can nor may put this right except with Your very own help and grace.'"

"As long as we are mixed up with any aspect of sin, we shall never see clearly the blessed face of our Lord."

"It is for us to have three kinds of knowledge; the first is to know our Lord God, the second and third is to know ourselves--- what we are through Him and His grace and what we are in regards to our sin and weakness."  

"Flee hastily from all that is not good and fall on our Lord's breast like a child on it's mother's bosom.  With our whole heart and mind, knowing our feebleness, knowing God's goodness and love, seeking salvation in Him alone."

"It is God's will that we recognize sin, and pray earnestly and labour willingly and seek humbly for instructions so that we do not fall blindly into it; and if we fall, that we rise quickly, for to turn from God for any length of time through sin is the greatest pain that any soul may have."

"Whether we are unclean or pure, His love for us is the same.  Whether in joy or in sorrow, He never wants us to flee from Him."

"Everything that is contrary to love and peace is from the devil.  The enemy looses many times over from our rising from our falls through God's love and our humility.  Acknowledge your wretchedness, then flee to your Lord.  Let us fly to our Lord and we shall be comforted and made clean."  

"Our Lord in his mercy shows us our sin and weakness by the sweet, gracious light of Himself---the light of His grace and mercy."

"He steadfastly waits for us and with unchanging demeanour, for He wants us to turn to Him and be united to Him in love as He is to us."

"When we have fallen through frailty or blindness, our kind Lord touches us, moves us and calls us; He doesn't want us to remain like this, nor does he want us to be greatly pre-occupied with self-accusation or too full of misery, but instead to swiftly focus our thoughts on Him.  For He waits for us and hastens to have us with Him, for we are His joy and delight.  He is our salve and our life."

Julian ends her book with these words which brought a song to my heart...  

"To those who wish to be His faithful lovers.  These are revelations of the unutterable love of God in Jesus Christ.  Revealed to a dear lover of His and are for all his dear friends and lovers whose hearts like hers do flame in the love our our dearest Jesus."  

*Julian (the name she took at a nun) lived 1343-1416.  Most of her life she lived as an Anchorite attached to a church in Norwich, England.  She lived smack-dab in the midst of the most intense times when the Black Plague hit England.  She certainly knew deep personal and communal suffering.  For those historians who have said that Julian was a 'universalist' or didn't mention hell or sin in her writings... this is simply not true (100% false, in fact).  I have read her works twice.  She mentions all basic concepts of sin, hell, and the distinct need for salvation through God's only Son, Jesus.  Although, I do not agree with every single word she has written... her basic theology and heart of faith matches my faith and orthodox, historical Christianity beautifully.  I am convinced, she is most certainly my sister in Christ and waiting in that great cloud of witnesses, urging us onward!  

Just As He Said

His Word is such a gift to me!  Like daily meals, I take it in and expect it will nourish and feed.  

Some days the meal is just that---simple bread.  ...with thanksgiving, I read/eat, swallow and pray, and move about my day as it feeds me, with me hardly aware of it's inward working.  

Then, other days, it just tastes so so good.  His Word touches my mind and heart in a way that is 'bang' or 'wow'... so similar to that tasty bite of a really good burrito or a ripe strawberry.  

Then there are extra special days, when His Word jumps off the page and pierces me with precision and light.  …like those "wow" meals that stick with you...  A meal you might think about the next day, or even a meal you might recommend to others, will definitely cook again, and talk about at a dinner party or share with a friend.  

Today these words jumped off the page and sweetened my tongue:  "...they found things just as He said they would be" (Luke 22:13)

Just as He said.  

I had just finished journaling the phrase "the work of God is to believe [Jesus]" (John 6:29) and was struck again with the idea that we all, EVERY believer has the same job.  We all have the very same work in common.  Every day we need to believe Jesus.  That is our job.  That and "love Him with all our hearts, minds, souls and strength".  These are the main work points on our job description.  

…doctor, lawyer, brick layer, waitress, professor, cop, politician, artist, and teacher...  we ALL have one clear job:  love God and believe Jesus.  

The disciples believed Jesus when He told them that the exact place to celebrate the Passover meal would be given to them (Read Luke 22:7-13) and they found it 'just as He said it would be".    We can believe His words, follow His direction and He will come through. 

Following this lovely, delicious moment of His word I began thinking of the things He has told me... told us.  I began prayerfully wondering if I was believing Jesus today.....

I am going away now and am preparing a place for you and will come again...  (John 14:13)

If you abide in me, you will bear much fruit.  (John 15:8)

Peace, I give you.  My peace I give to you. (John 14:27)

I will be with you always, even until the end. (Matthew 28:20)

I will make my home within you.  (John 14:23)

You will have pain in this world (John 16:33)

Jesus has promised these things and so many more.  And, the full revelation of Scripture offers an overflowing bread-basket of abundant promises to the followers of God.   We have a feast of truth in which we can trust, believe and find our hope.  

He will come back.  He leaves me peace.  I will have pain in this world. He abides in me and will be with me to the end.   He has overcome the world and will make all things new and right.  I will be hated by the world.  I can not be separated from His love.  He began a good work in me and will bring it to completion.  He knows all things and works all things together for my good and His glory.  In the midst of pain, fire, storm, or flood, He is with me and I will not drown or burn.  

Today, I remember and I take You at Your Word, Lord Jesus.  

I will find things just as You said it would be.  

Just as You said.  

Sabbatical Reflections: Words on a Page #33 The Power of Words

 Power of Words

A simple phrase

spoken with a smile.

Said with kindness, 

words slam into my chest.

My balance is lost,

Rocked and off kilter.

Spoken shockwaves, 

I tilt and sway.

Sickness rises from the deep,

Said once, now a mantra.

Words swirl and surround,

running and racing in my mind.

Dizzy and disoriented,

I feel the shift.

I fight to keep stable.

Just stay still!

I pull at my heart,

tug it back into place.

Find my equilibrium again. 

I whisper truth to my soul.

It was just a simple phrase...

It was such a sweet smile...

Written November 2020

Drink Deep

After living in Britain for nearly ten years, I understand why they always talk about the weather.  In fact, I now find myself doing the very same thing.  There are many reasons... but, inconsistency and the unexpected are first and foremost.  Who really knows what today will bring?  Absolutely no weather app helps out here in my village.  (We have tried them all!)

We have all been shocked and surprised by this current 'Mediterranean Summer'.  Generally speaking, Wales is not a warm climate in any regards.  I am fond of saying that, living in this land, I have been bone-cold for 9 years straight!!  The wet, chilling cold (and dark) has at times been a small trial for this California-girl’s body.  But, recently, we have had the most amazing sun, warm days, dry and blues skies.  I have actually felt uncomfortably hot (which is absolutely wonderful!) and even have a slight sunburn from sitting way too long outside. 

But, with this dry warmth has come a brand new problem.  My grass is dying and my flowers... well, they look very, very sad.  To make myself clear, I have NEVER once had to water my lawn or my flowers.  Never.  It is that wet---pretty much all the time.  But, with this new, lovey 'Summer-vibe' comes a new, and harsh reality:  plants and green, living things need water! 

I have a large, beautifully vibrant hanging basket at my front door filled with summer flowers.  I have been quite meticulous in my attempts to keep it alive and well. Yesterday, I watered and tended it.  This morning it looked so very sad!  Drooping.  Dying.  Desperate.  Quite sad, really, ...as if only one day without water and all it's life had been slipping away.  As I watered it, I could literally see it revive in front of my eyes.  It was quite remarkable, actually.  As it drank, it seemed to lift it's head very slowly and cry out with a relieved sigh, Thank you!--- looking at me with a satisfied smile.   (Okay... no, my plant didn't actually talk or smile at me...)  But, the revival of life was real, none-the-less!  

Indeed, living things survive on water.  

Awaking today in the morning's cool air and heading out to the garden to water... I felt a nudge and sweet whisper.  Water yourself, Stephanie

Water yourself.

We, too, live in a dry and weary land (Psalm 63:1).  What must we look like day to day when we forget to drink from God?  We need---truly and profoundly need---to sustain ourselves and water ourselves with His Presence, worship, and His Word.  If not, we also easily become droopy.  Dying.  Desperate.  Sad, really. 

Scripture refers to God multiple times as the living water.  (Jeremiah 2:13) He is a living drink without and within!  We must drink deeply....daily... throughout each and every day! 

Lord, I will water myself today.  Thank you for being my sustenance.   I will sit and linger a bit longer---drinking in His love, His Truth and His strength.  For "His love is better than life itself" (Psalm 63) 

Advent Needed Today

Last night it was at 2 am.  Sometimes it comes in the quiet of the morning... or maybe it comes into the stillness found when I am chopping vegetables for dinner.  Worry.

Worry comes.  Unbidden.  Unwelcome.  But, it comes and I find myself fighting for breath and truth---searching for a solid rock for my emotions to rest upon.

Worry.  Often about yesterday.  Most often about tomorrow.  The thoughts swirl around my mind and my heart.  Dizzy with what feels "real"...but, in reality isn't real at all.  It isn't now.  It's a story.  It is only a fictional piece playing in my mind:  Re-membering yesterday and fore-telling tomorrow.  What might have been?  What I should have done.  What I did wrong?  Will I have enough?  What might come?  What could be the end of this story line?  What if?

Last night it came at 2 am.

The darkness and loneliness of night makes the battle evermore fierce sometimes, doesn't it?

Truth fought hard at the corners and edge of my mind last night.  Do not worry.   Do not be afraid.  Do not be anxious about anything.  I heard the whispers.  But, these words felt so far off.  He felt so far off.

Lord, why is it so hard sometimes for me to take this in?  Why can I not live in this freedom that you offer and bought for me?  

Lessons long learned.  Lessons taught and written about here.  Freedom found.  And, so easily lost... again.  I believe.  Help me with my unbelief!

Morning came.  It always does.  Oh, my Dayspring!  "...through the tender mercy of God, whereby the dayspring from on high hast visited us, to give light to them that sit in the darkness..."  (Luke 1:76-79)

His faithfulness found me here again.  This morning I came.  I sat and waited.  I listened to His Word.  I asked.  Today, a fresh day.  A day to stand on His Truth and He, Himself, as the rock that can steady my heart.  His hold ever secure in midst of the fictional flood that overwhelmed me last night.

He came.  Today, He came.  My Dayspring.  My love.

Love comes.

Truth comes.  Light floods.  Welcomed.  Asked for.  ...hoped for.  The coming.  The Advent again this morning.  Fresh coming.  His whispers---ever steadfast---won and pushed through this morning.  No longer at the edge, His Presence filled.

Advent means the arrival.  The coming.  The rising.  The dawning.  My Advent, my Jesus!  Oh how this heart needs Your coming each and every day.


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Defiant Against a Dark Morning

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There are just those days...  

There are mornings when I wake up and it feels really dark.  ...the sun is shining and the sleep was fine---but, the cob webs are thick in my brain and my heart feels heavy.   A dark cloud hovers.  I just feel very tired.  Sad.  Dark.  Do you ever feel this way?  

This morning I crawled out of bed with a hovering weight and exhaustion...  wishing for more hours in bed.  As I sat down, methodically following my stubborn routine of "God-time first", I opened up to Psalm 25. And, there it was... 

There it was in black and white print---life on a page.  An invitation.  Light to be had.  ...an offering:  

"In you, Lord my God, I put my trust"

On dark and difficult days, I have a choice.  Do I open up and let the light in?  Do I lift my face and speak truth to my soul?  

This morning, as I read these words, I knew there was an invitation.  Trust Me.  

Trust me for your enough again today.  In Me you have all you need.  Trust Me for all you need.  Trust that I am bigger than it all.  

In exhausted surrender, my head fell back into the arm chair, face raised... 

I can only whisper these words today---  You are bigger than it all!  In, You, Lord my God, I put my trust!  

I sat...  for how long, Lord?  I sat and I asked.  I prayed.  I listened.  In You, Lord my God, I put my trust!  

Into my heart began a faint song...  words that rang true and echoed life.  "We are more than conquerors through Christ"   (song here... do have a listen, if you can...such beautiful truth in this song!)  

I found my phone and listened on repeat--- these words becoming my prayer.  

There will be dark days...  we have them.  We all do.  The heavy dark speaks lies to us and makes us feel we are separated from Him in some way.  This is not true!  We are never separated from His love.  Never.  

Seek Him first...  open His word, looking for His heart and His invitation of life and light.  

For, indeed, we are more than conquerors through Christ!  
"In all these things we are more than conquerors through Him that loved us!  For I am convinced [that nothing] will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus, our Lord!" (Romans 8:37-39)

Songs of My Heart

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Like a stream of consciousness, the memories come unbidden.

I was simply sitting down to blow dry my wet hair and then in my mind's eye, I am there...  nearly 20 years ago, but I am "seeing" it and feeling it, like it was yesterday.

While in this season of launching my first child, there seems to be this movement in my mind... seemingly random memories coming like a wave.

Different things trigger the memories---a picture, a smell, a song, a comment.  This morning it was music.  As I often do,  I hit play on my "Worship" playlist.  I sat to begin a regular morning routine of makeup and hair.  Within only a few notes, the memory came rushing in...

link for song...  take a listen, if you can

The song begins with ..."It is our confession what we are weak... so very weak!" 

In a moment, I was taken back...  holding, rocking, clutching a baby girl.  We had taken this little one with us across the ocean into a backwater country.  Young and terrified, I stood over her crib, holding her tiny body while her fever screamed at my momma's heart, "Be afraid, be very afraid!"  

It is an intense fear that we feel as we hold our little ones and watch them writhe and struggle against sickness.  It is a deeply intense fear that we all feel when we are out of control... when we can't fix it, we can't make it okay.  

That night long ago, it was this song that I sung over her.  As I held her and prayed, the words seemed to flow out of my soul---a song, a prayer, a confession---

 "It is my confession, Lord, that I am weak---so very weak---but, You are strong!"

It's our confession, Lord that we are weak…So very weak, but You are strong

And though we've nothing, Lord…To lay at Your feet

We come to Your feet and say, "Help us along"

A broken heart and a contrite spirit, You have yet to deny

Your heart of mercy beats with love's strong current.

Let the river flow, God.  By Your Spirit now, Lord we cry

Let your mercies fall from heaven! Sweet mercies flow from heaven!

New mercies for today--Shower them down Lord, as we pray

How long did I rock her and sing this song over her that night?  It feels like I have been singing and rocking this over her for her entire life!

Today, as I writhe and struggle with the feelings of launching her.  As I watch her sadness, her pain, and as I feel my own...  As we truly roller-coaster-ride the ups and downs of this launch:  ...excitement, hope, anticipation, mixed with the high fever of grief, frustration and terror...

As her tears, and mine, scream at us, "Be afraid, be very afraid!",  I am in that selfsame place I was 18 years ago.  

I am holding her, rocking her with my heart, and I am praying these very same words... 

Help us along!  New mercies for today, Lord, shower them down as we pray!  

And, each time I sing this.  Each time I pray...  He holds and He rocks.  He stills.  In these moments, I know He sings over my soul.  Even when I can't hear it, I know He is singing...  He is always singing His song.  

Today, I choose to listen and lean in.  I let Him hold me and rock me.  Today, I say "yes" and hear His words--- Be strong and courageous.  Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go (Joshua 1:9)

Simple Things

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So simple.  So very simple.  His words to me lately have been elementary.  Simple, clear and beautiful.  

Trust me.  

I love you. 

I am your Almighty Father.

Do not worry.  

Are there times when you feel young--- I mean very young, like a small child?  I do.  Today I do.

God knows this.  I sense Father's tender wisdom and gentleness as He speaks to me about His love, His faithfulness, His grace.

Over and over.  Simple and True.  He whispers and He gently nudges.

There are also times when I feel I should know "more" or "deeper"... or I should grow up and be finished.  Do you ever feel this way?

But, the more I walk this journey, the more I become aware of the cavernous chasm between Truth and what I actually know.  I really don't know these things... this Love, this faithfulness, this amazing grace.

I have tasted, yes, and I have seen.  Each day His love and His faithfulness are on display for me to encounter.  But, still I do not know.

So He speaks simple words to my heart.

And, like the early disciples,  I am curious to know more.   I want to follow Him and spend time with Him. He knows I follow behind... He knows my heart.  (John 1:37-39)

He responds to me, like a small child, "Come and see..."

And, He shows me simple things.  Beautiful things.  He shows me where He is and He lets me learn from Him.

Will I ever grow too old for these things?  Does anyone every get too old for "I love you"?

A Buzzing Mind

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My mind was whizzing and buzzing and clanking and spinning when I sat in my "quiet-time" chair.  Far from quiet, the thoughts whirling in my head reminded me of some Dr. Seuss rhyme describing Christmas morning noise!  Noise. Noise! Noise!!

Do you ever feel like your brain just won't shut off?  Busy.  Loud. Non-stop.

I felt that way this morning.

As I sat, I attempted the "breathe prayer" that had been so sweet and special to me last week:

"Be still... Be still and know that I am God".

Nothing seemed to bring calm.  Nothing stopped the next "to-do" flooding my mind.  ...more plans to make, lists to write and calculating needed.

Time passed and the internal noise only continued.  A bit frustrated and still buzzing with thoughts, I rose from my noisy-quiet-time and began my day.

While cleaning the dishes, I decided to listen to my "pray-as-you-go" app...  (wonderful resource!)  And, it was in that moment, with the first note of the song playing that the Spirit of God brought calm to my mind.

Beautiful words wafted from my ipod into and over my heart.

Almost like a sinking down, I could feel myself take a long, deep, full breath from the Words...

"O Lord, You search me and you know me.  You know when I sit and when I rise... you perceive my thoughts from afar.."   The Sons of Korah sang God's word over me and the Word brought light and peace.

Right there in the midst of my kitchen... hands soapy and dishes piled high... He brought rest and quiet. Quiet in the midst of noise.

I know you, Stephanie.  I know these thoughts.

He knows me!

He isn't surprised at the whiz and busy and buzzing.   He isn't upset and He isn't bothered.  He knows.  

Just the thought of my Almighty, All Powerful, Ever-Close Father knowing my every thought brought comfort.  He knows.   He knows what I have to do today and He knows where I am borrowing worry for tomorrow.  And, He is okay.

Your loving knowledge is amazing to me.  I am so grateful!  I am also sorry, Lord, that I worry and I run around panting for mental breath and rest.  You offer me daily rest for my soul.  Thank you for the grace that covers all that!  You know me and your love is unfailing.  

Tell yourself the truth...

If I listen well, I can sometimes hear awful lies that bounce around in my head.  Almost like recordings---or tapes-of-old, these lies and words are like "old friends"; but, certainly not healthy friendships, to be sure!

I can make harsh judgments about myself and shame myself.  Not always word-based, these feelings toward myself can be angry, irritated and fed-up.  Some days there is very little grace and mercy that pour out from my own self talk...

I have been asking my Father to make me more aware of my thoughts and my feelings toward myself and toward others.   I have been asking the Holy Spirit to lead me into all Truth.  I have been listening more keenly lately.   Using a wonderful, ancient tool called the Enneagram, I have awaken a bit to some of the pitfalls of my personality.  What nasty, destructive untruths would my unique personality fall into? ...oh!  I have some doozies!  With this personality tool, I have also found some helpful "wake-up" calls for my attention and to aid my awareness.  This has helped greatly.  It is amazing what a little awareness can do.

But, then, today, I heard these familiar untruths---those recordings--- come out of my daughter's mouth.  She is not my personality type--- not at all!  But, listen to what she is saying!  Look what I have taught her!  We do teach our children, not with our words but, with our actions and with our lives.  Good. And, bad. They see what we really believe.  ...about ourselves and about others.  Unconsciously, she is mirroring my own lies---my harsh judgments toward myself now spoken out against herself.  And, this grieves me today.

I can battle those lies that come out of my sweet girl's mouth.  And, I do.   I do with fierce passion!  I see clearly in those moments.  I know them immediately as falsehood when they fly out into the Light.  They sound so very wrong when spoken through her darling, lovable lips!  I can answer them with Truth.   I can speak Truth to her about what God sees, about who she is...

Why is it so hard to fight the battle when it is inside me?  When the war is inside my head and directed at me, why is it less clear?!

What you tell her---that Truth--- tell yourself!  The Truth that you tell her, speak to yourself, Stephanie.   

This is the phrase that has been bouncing around in my head today.  That Truth.  The Truth that fights those ugly lies coming out of her deeply-loved-mouth.  That Truth you speak over your daughter...  tell yourself that same Truth.  

If I listen well to my thoughts, it is amazing the amount of false things that can bring chaos to my soul.  If I listen well to my words, maybe I can hear some Truth.

Friends, by all means, talk to yourself, ... but please tell yourself the truth!    What would you say to your deeply loved daughter if you heard those lies?  What Truth would you speak to her... tell yourself that Truth!

What Light can do!

photo source

It was just a moment in time.  The beauty left as quickly as it came.   And, I saw it!!

As I began my walk yesterday morning,  the sun was rising quietly behind a blanket of dark clouds. The grey-covered sunrise, brought shadowed light to the town I live.  It was morning indeed, but it was a dark morning.  But, as I climbed the stile leading into the field by my home, the sun's strength suddenly burst forth in radiant splendor.  Blasting through an opening in the sky it shown with dazzling beauty over the fields and my town.  There was an instant, spectacular glow that is hard to describe with words.

From darkness to light in one instant!

When I saw it, all that came to my mind was, "Oh, Lord, what light can do!!"  The grass was a prettier green color than I remember ever seeing it!  Every field marked out by hedge rows was lit and on display.  I could see everything for miles.  Gold and orange light transformed the morning in an instant.

In that moment, I worshiped my God and asked Him to display His light in me with such brilliance 

And, then... as quickly as it came... it was gone.  It was just a moment in time.  What light can do!!

The remainder of my walk was a dialogue with my Father in Heaven.  What clouds---thoughts, actions, beliefs--- block out Your light in my life?  What are the dark things that hinder You shining in and through me--- making me more beautiful with Your Light.  Teach me, Father.  Lead me forward in Truth, Holy Spirit.  

He tells us that through our relationship with Jesus, we are transferred from the Kingdom of Darkness into the Kingdom of Light.  His Light is ours for the taking!  We are, in fact, children of Light.  But, He also warns us that we need to walk in that Light!  ...we can, indeed, grieve and cover and hinder that Light from shining in us and through us.

Are there certain thoughts and ways in your life that might be hindering His Light in you?

When I let certain lies, certain attitudes, and certain actions in to my life... the beauty can leave as quickly as it can come.   I just need to see it!

Give me eyes to see it!  Give me an awareness of heart, Lord Jesus!  

Talk to yourself---but tell yourself the truth!

photo source

We sat across the table, our coffees cooling, and I couldn't help myself.  Some would call it "getting on my soap-box" or "preaching to the choir".  Almost half-aware, I just couldn't help myself.  I just had to tell her the Truth.  I was telling her who she was in Christ, who He was, and what His love meant for her.

When I paused for a breath, she smiled and said, "No one talks to me like this!"  

My immediate response was, "Well, then, you must talk to yourself like this!  Speak to your own soul!  David did it."

Reading this morning in Psalm 103, I was struck again at how much David "speaks to his soul."  He talks to himself. 

Do you ever talk to yourself?  I would probably off-the-cuff answer that question with a emphatic, "no".  I know people who talk to themselves... I have heard them in the other room.  But, I am just simply not that verbal.  When I am alone, I am quiet.  I even know people whose mouths move---just slightly and unconsciously---as they have an internal dialogue.  It is actually quite funny to witness this.  These people I am referring to are most assuredly not crazy.  It is simply that their mouth is displaying the action going on in the brain.  

But, yes, of course I talk to myself.  We all do.  All day, every day we talk to ourselves.  This is one of our brain's main functions.  In fact, our cerebellum is significantly larger than any other created animal because we do this "higher level thinking".  Animals do not.  We are always--and forever---working out problems, processing information, expecting the future, commanding our bodies, and discussing big ideas with ourselves.  Certainly that is one main function of our dreams, even as we sleep.  We are talking to ourselves.  

I am struck this morning at how important it is to tell ourselves the Truth.  We need to speak to our own souls, just as David did.  

Actually it makes me think of that memorable scene in the movie, While You Were Sleeping.  The main character, Lucy, says out loud---almost unconsciously--- "Oh! I was going to marry that man." (a man she had never met). A nurse, overhearing her comment, mistakes her self-talk as being reality and introduces Lucy to man's parents as his fiance.  Eventually when she comes clean of the misunderstanding, the nurse (who overheard) says, "Next time you talk to yourself.  Tell yourself you are single and end the conversation!"  

Sometimes I simply need to tell myself the truth and end the conversation. 

Is that what David is doing in Psalm 103?  What self-talk was going on in his head, I wonder, when he speaks to his soul, "Praise the Lord, O my soul!  Praise His holy name.  Forget not his benefits.  Praise the Lord, O my soul!"  The whole of the Psalm is filled with Truth after Truth after Truth.  He is proclaiming to His own soul, "This is who God is, this is who I am, this is what I have received from God..."

Or, in Psalm 42, what was going on within David when he says, "Why so downcast, O my soul?  Put your hope in God!"  He is commanding his own soul to trust God.  He stands on his own soap-box and speaks Truth to his own soul.  

So, this morning, me-alone-with-God, with my coffee cooling, I spoke Truth to my own soul.  "The Lord, Stephanie, is compassionate.  He is gracious and slow to anger.  Stephanie, your God is abounding in love!" 

What will you say to yourself today?

Welcomed Wind

The wind here can be intense.  It feels fierce.  It wakes us at night, as it howls through our little town!  It is a beautiful, deep, surrounding and powerful sound...

photo source

And, it makes me think...

He is likened to the wind.

He blows where He wills. (John 3:8)

He hovers and overshadows and broods.  He dwells.  He abides.  (Genesis 1:2, Romans 8:11)

He fills and surrounds.  (Acts 2:4)

We see Him descend like a dove and also like fire. (Mathew 3:16)  He counsels.  He comforts. (John 14:16)

He teaches us and leads us into all Truth. (John 14:26)  He is the Truth.  (I John 5:6)

He helps us in our weakness.  (Romans 8:26)

He is our Lord.  (2 Cor. 3:16-18)   The Spirit of God.  This Holy Spirit, Jesus tells His disciples to wait for---to anticipate. (John 14)

He gives us wisdom and understanding.  (Colossians 1:9)

He gives joy (Luke 10:21, I Thessalonians 1:6)
  
He searches me.  He searches all things. (I Corinthians 2:10)
  
He convicts.  (John 16:8)
 
He leads and He forbids.  (Rom. 8:14)  He can be lied to and resisted.  (Acts 5:3, Acts 7:51)
 
He can be grieved.  (Ephesians 4:30)

He speaks.  (2 Sam. 23:2)

He speaks.  (Acts 11:12)

He speaks.  (I Tim. 4:1, Heb. 3:7-8, Rev. 22:17)


The sound of the wind makes me think of You, Holy Spirit of God!  Speak today, I ask!  


"He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches." (Rev. 2:7)

Cold Heart Warmed

I woke up this morning feeling cold.  Not physically cold, but emotionally and spiritually cold.

I put on my slippers and poured my coffee... hoping one of those would warm me.  They didn't.  

I sat in my quiet, small place---my chair--- and covered my lap with the blanket.  Would that warm my heart?  It didn't.  And, I read God's word.  My heart cold.  Blah.  

Lord, where are you today?  Where am I... was probably a better question.  

Cold and dark... like the morning, I woke up and couldn't be stirred to warmth.  

In those moments, I must rely on what I know to be True.  In these cold moments there is very little heart.

I know Father God invites me, commands me, to love Him with all that I am; my mind, my heart and my soul.  But, in the cold moments I must love Him with my head... and wait.  

Believe and wait on the Lord, Stephanie.  Draw near to God and He will draw near to you.  

Rising from my chair, I methodically put on my walking boots, slung on my warm heavy coat, and placed the hat on my head.  Worship music in my right ear and my dog's leash in my left had, I walked into the chill of the morning air.  

Song after worship song spoke truth into my mind... and no heart response.  ...just words in my ear.  

Beauty all around me, sun rising... pink clouds, green trees with beautiful dying orange-leaved friends next door...  and yet, no heart response 

I believe Lord, help me with my unbelief!   Tears now began to well up, to brim, and form in my eyes... frustration with my cold heart.  

Keep walking on, keep looking up.  Keep waiting...  He will draw near.

Finishing my walk, on the homestretch, I heard the words to a familiar song.  Was it song #5 or #6 this morning?... I don't know, the songs had just played into my ear.  Cold words.  But in an instant something changed.  These words spoke near.  Nearness.  He spoke something deep into my heart.    

"Who taught the sun where to stand in the morning..." 

I was watching this sun rise, His sun rise...  and with these words, my heart was stirred.   ...there was movement in my soul.    In that moment, I knew--- more than in my head--- that my Redeemer is Alive!

The Truth I had been trusting with my mind was the same; firm and unchanging... Nothing had changed about Who God was, Where He was, or what is True about Him!!  But, the coldness, in that instant melted with a moment of worship!

In the cold of the morning, I was warmed.   

Pain for Good

Pain can be so very good.

For most years of my life, I have lived with chronic pain.  It has just been a normal part of life.  Not a fun one, to be sure, but normal.

Simply put, without sounding horribly trite, there are lessons I have learned ...hard lessons of trust, surrender, and His unfailing love... that I can't even imagine having learned without the pain.  Pain has, by-in-large, led me to God and opened my heart to Him.  Pain has been a road leading me to good.  

For those of you who have read these past years, you know that my pain had been increasing and intensifying.  In June, I was blessed to have an operation that has brought significant health and wholeness to my body.  And, that operation has ended the pain. Well,... mostly.

I am now five months post-op and, according to my doctor, I should be totally pain free...  mostly healed up from surgery and moving on.  The problem is... I still encounter pain most every day.  Most of the time this pain is not intense--mild, in fact.  I praise Him for this! And, for months I have written-it-all-off as "recovery pain".  ...but, after talking to my doctor today, I am realizing that maybe, just maybe, I still have some troubled issues in my body.  And, ...that indeed, while the surgery did help, it may not have completely solved the problem.

As you can imagine, this has been a bit jolting to my heart and mind today.  ...more pain to come?  ...more issues and problems?  ...bigger ones, even?  In fact, maybe it is nothing at all.  It truly could be nothing of consequence.  I don't know.

And, that is the key, right?  I don't know.  I just don't know.

As I learned so intimately from the Lord months ago, only He really sees those deep insides of my body and my heart.  Only His hand can really touch and heal.  And, so to Him I turn with this news.  I turn to Him with this confusion and this pain.

And, I have a choice, don't I?  I can rest in all He has taught me along the way... I can recall and remember. I can be still and know He is God!  Or, I can worry and fret.  I can be afraid and try to solve.

Today, I recall what He spoke to His people in Deuteronomy 8:
Be careful... Remember how the Lord your God led you all the way in the wilderness, to humble and test you in order to know what was in your heart, whether or not you would keep his commands.  He humbled you, causing you to hunger and then feeding you with manna, to teach you that man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord.

He led you through the wilderness and let you hunger to test your heart and humble you....

I choose today to remember all He has done and all that He is.  I remember that I have learned that man does not live on bread alone!  I remember, today, that sometimes He causes hunger... pain... to teach, to lead, to humble.  And, to feed.  I remember He has fed me.  I remember that this pain has been for my good. It has been good pain.  

“There is no greater mercy that I know of on earth than good health except it be sickness; and that has often been a greater mercy to me than health…

It is a good thing to be without a trouble; but it is a better thing to have a trouble, and know how to get grace enough to bear it.” ~Charles Spurgeon (quote taken from www.aholyexperience.com)

Just one of those days

Some days I am aware. Some days I am seeing God and walking closely with Him. Some days I count His blessings and grace-gifts more than other days...

Some days it is harder to count. Some days I just don't feel like counting... or watching, or looking for God's gifts to me. ...and, I am learning that those are the days that I need to be counting.

Some days are just hard. ...no real "reason", really. Just hard.

Today was one of those hard days. Agitated and irritable. Easily frustrated and tired. Today was one of those days.

So tonight I choose to count, or to re-count, the kindness of my Good Father, my Gentle Shepherd. Tonight I choose to remember the graces. And, I choose to believe that all is grace. I remember that in Him, in His time, all things are made beautiful and right.

#654. Blessed are those whose transgressions are forgiven.

#655. Prayer with a close friend.

#656. Safety when she fell from her bike.

#657. Repentant hearts.

#658. Seeing and enjoying old pictures of my babies, so small...

#659. Laughter and tickling.

#660. My man is my best friend.

#661. Pictures of super-novas... wow.

#662. Wind that howls.

#667. The moving, wild sky.

#668. Him teasing me in my grumpiness, making me laugh.

#669. Playing catch together in the fields

#670. Silly bagel song, sung loudly for many to hear and giggle. ...the joy of a 9 year old's voice singing loud and clear (and silly).

#671. Stupid movies that God uses to instruct.

#672. A heart conversation with God... seeing and understanding a bit more clearly my heart.

#673. A heart conversation with my man... sharing and understanding each other a bit more clearly.

It is good for the soul to remember.

To join in the hunt, the looking, and the remembering... come and count with us at www.aholyexperience.com.

Remembering

Early in my marriage I was given many pieces of advice. Some of the horrid advice given was truly laughable... and some suggestions were gems, diamond-suggestions. One piece that I still use today was that whenever I was angry at my husband, or when he had hurt me in some way, I should take the time to make a list of the things about him that I loved, or things about him that were "his good qualities".

Whether the list be actual or mental, I still do this often. And, it always blesses my heart and softens me toward him; for, there are things about my husband that are true and beautiful. And, those things are not usually the points I am focusing on when I am angry... so it is always a good idea to purposefully remember.

It has been a hard week for me emotionally. Not that my Father in heaven has hurt me, exactly, ...nor am I particularly angry with Him. I don't feel angry. But, I do find myself a bit confused with Him, His world, and His plans. So, I sat still again today, seeking His face. As I sat with Him this afternoon, a very wonderful thing happened. It was as if He began to "make the list" for me. Reminding me. Whispering "his good qualities" into my heart, He spoke to me as I read today in Psalm 145. He reminded me of things that are true and beautiful about who He is.

And, it blessed me deeply.

The Lord, I read, is great and worthy of praise! (Psalm 145)

The Lord is compassionate... this helped me remember that He is tender toward my sadness and my confusion. He is tender toward my friends who are suffering. His eyes, if I could see them, would fill with tears as I shared my heart with Him.

The Lord is good... this reminded me that His very nature is lightness and goodness. When I don't understand why He is doing one thing or another, I can rest and rely on His simple goodness. I know His motives are good and His plans are good.

The Lord is faithful... this helped me remember that His plans are far reaching, eternal and beyond this world, (and my world and understanding). He is faithful through all time and is working to make all things right in His time.

The Lord is righteous... again this points to His motives. Compassion is empty without righteousness. Righteousness and goodness make the acts of love and tenderness pure and selfless. His kindness and compassion flow from a pure and righteous heart and being. He is set a part from me and right in all He does.

The Lord is near... this, I must say, was my favorite reminder today. He is near. My husband has been away working this week, but he hasn't been very far away geographically... almost around the corner. Because of work, I haven't heard from him much at all, but it has been sweet knowing he is near. Nearness is tenderness and compassion at it's best. A touch is what we all need. And, my Father is near me. And today He touched me.

Thank you for the list, today, Father. Thank you for reminding me again of who You are... My mouth will speak in praise to the Lord.

How can a touch not matter?

So, I wondered a few times this week... was all this energy worth it?
Already tired and emotionally strained... I wondered many times throughout the week, does this really matter?

Working at our church's summer club, an event that welcomes children from the community to come and hear about God, my body was tired and my patience was stretched.... does it matter, Lord? Is this worth my time and effort?

I only have to think that thought for a few short minutes before a screaming, "yes! it matters!" pierces my soul. ... and I remember...

25 years ago it mattered in my life. Tremendously. The future of my soul, and my life, was changed at one of these "youth" events! Did the workers then ever wonder if it mattered? I bet they did.

But their work, the silly events, the pizza and the sweets did matter. My life was touched and I was introduced to Truth... to my Father. And, my life has never been the same.

But still, tired and strained this week, I pulled myself out of bed and made my way to the church wondering, Is this really worth it?

And, then his little blue eyes looked up at me with intention and focus (he is only 5 years old). After hearing the story of Jesus on the cross from up front he turned to me and said, He died? His little face was distinctly touched by the news that Jesus died... and he was sad at the news.

Oh!, I said, but that is not the end of the story! ...keep listening! And then they shared about Jesus' resurrection and that He is alive today. And, his face changed instantly. He turned to me again, checking for understanding, and asked, "He is alive? Now?!" Yes, I told him, and He wants to be your friend, your mate!

After the story time, returning to our small groups, this little guy spent the next 5 minutes explaining, with keen excitement, to the other five year olds in our group, that Jesus died but now He was alive!!

Does this matter? Is this worth it?! How can this not matter? I don't wonder today. How can this moment, this touch, not mean more to our Father than any extra sleep for me!

Words without meaning

Sweet words were spoken today.

Words being said. Special words. Sacred words.

And, yet they seemed to be spoken with no apparent meaning. These words, though full of life and beauty, were empty and lifeless. Special words were nonchalant. Sacred words were rote and read from a page.

Today, I believe, I witnessed what God said in Isaiah 29, "The Lord says: "These people come near to me with their mouth and honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me. Their worship of me is made up only of rules taught by men."

I watched mouths moving without a heart involved and it saddened me deeply.

This morning I was privileged to be invited to a baptism service of a young boy, my neighbor. As his appointed "godparents" stood up in front of the congregation, they read from a piece paper many beautiful words of Truth. ...proclaiming who Christ was and the sacrifice He made on the cross. In a monotone voice and rote way they professed their personal acceptance of Jesus and they committed to raise this little boy to be a man of faith.

But, I know better. Simply put, they just don't know or love God. They do deeply love my little neighbor boy, but they do not love Jesus. And, though I am keenly aware of the fact that I cannot see their hearts, my educated guess is that their hearts are very far from Him.

Hearts far from Him. ... this grieves the Lord.
To worship Him just with words ... this angers Him.
To worship simply by tradition ... this deeply saddens my Father in Heaven.

When do I worship Him this way? I wonder today. When do I say words I don't mean... or act in ways that are not true to my heart? When, Father, do I worship you with my words alone? Or, "go to church" or "have my quiet time" simply because I always do... not because You deserve worship.

...not because I love to, long to, or I just must worship You!

Oh have mercy on us, kind Father. Our hearts are far from You! Have mercy on me, dear Father. Draw me near to You. Light again today the passion in my heart for You and for Your glory.

You said

I needed to hear what the Father was saying to me. I needed time away. My daughter said, in a half-joking manner, "Mom, you need a spiritual retreat!" I truly cringe sometimes when she says things like that (true or not). A real part of me doesn't want her to grow up thinking her mom was weak... and, yet, well... I am weak. I know that. And, I suppose (though it pokes at my pride) her knowing my weakness it is not so bad--- especially when she knows the solution is a few days away with the Lord.

So, I went away for a two day spiritual retreat. It had been planned for months... time set aside this week for me. ...next week for my husband. In attempting to describe my time away, my sweet daughter told our neighbor I went on a vacation with God. ...a long weekend away with my Father! And, that is exactly what I did.

I slept a lot. I prayed a lot. I sat and thought. I wrote. I stared into space. I worshipped. I walked. I sat. I thought. I prayed. I just was ...all with Him.

It is amazing what comes bubblin' up from the soul when given space, time, and quiet. Often times when I take these retreats away, I start with a "review" of sorts. What has God been whispering lately? What are the themes? What is repeated in my journal these past few months? And, that is where I usually start. ...a good starting point, I find.

And then I attempt to talk with the Father about these things in more depth. I sit and think. I ask and pray. I listen and read. I write.

The few days were full... and sweet... and powerful.

One thing that seemed to happen about half way through my two day retreat, was a "chorus" of sorts that was streaming through my heart and mind of things--- True things--- God had said or has been saying to me for a long while now. Truths that I have heard for years. Truths I needed to hear again.

I wrote, "You said" at the top of my journal page... followed by two pages of Truth that He has spoken over me, in personal whispers from His Spirit and through His Word. The more I wrote down the Truth, the more Truth flowed. It was like fuel for a fire or water for thirst.

Our God is constantly speaking. His Word spoke creation into being, His Word became flesh, His Word is living and active, and His Word lives in me today. His Spirit leads me into all Truth and He desires Truth to reign in my inner being. This is One thing, one of the many things, He is constantly "at work" doing. He is speaking. ... speaking and repeating Himself, over and over again.

I am so glad He reminded me again of His Words of Truth and Life. I want to listen more to what He says. I need to hear what the Father has to say to me.