Buzzin Brain

Does your brain ever buzz with busy thoughts and details?  

My brain has been on super-charge this week...  as my youngest made his decision to fly further afield and pursue his master's degree in a different country.  Exciting!  So exciting.  Yes, and a bit maddening... the details, O the details!   

He doesn't need our help, of course.  But, we want to contribute and provide companionship in this big move!  So... this mamma-heart considers everything from transportation to toilet paper,  his housing and our hotel, transportation and taxes,  beds and banking, and...  well, a host of other things that need to happen as we go.  

With buzzing comes worry.  Or, with me, it does.  There is very little calm when my brain is a buzzin'.  

This morning, coming to God and His word, I was touched so gently by a passage in Matthew.   In Matthew 14 Jesus miraculously feeds 5,000 men.  In Matthew 15, the disciples witness Him feed 4,000 men.  Then in Matthew 16: 5-12, the disciples think Jesus is upset with them because they forgot to bring bread with them on their journey.  Jesus says,  

"You of little faith, why are you talking among yourselves about having no bread? Do you still not understand? Don’t you remember the five loaves for the five thousand, and how many basketfuls you gathered? Or the seven loaves for the four thousand, and how many basketfuls you gathered? How is it you don’t understand that I was not talking to you about bread?"

In short, ...Jesus says...  How are we really still talking about bread!?   He reminds them that they have just seen two massive miracles where 9,000 men (plus!) were given enough bread AND left-overs.  

...for Jesus bread is really, really not a problem! 

My heart was so stirred by this passage...  And, I sensed a loving rebuke.  A tender hearted... You-of-little-faith-moment.  Stephanie, are we really still talking and worrying about bread? Do you still not understand?  Just tell me what you need and let's move on.  This is not hard for Me!  

How often God tells His people "Do not forget!"... and O! how often we forget!  Right!?  

My life has been filled with an abundance of transportation and toilet paper miracles.  He has provided for me over and over again.  Houses, hotels, refrigerators and rental cars.  In fact, in one of my very first posts here on Koodaigirl...  Microwaves on a Thousand Hills I wrote about the abundance of sheets---bed sheets and cookie sheets and the microwave that just showed up at our door.  Oh!  How easily I forget.  I am only slightly embarrassed that this was 2009 and here I am, learning the same lessons.  

So, today, when the details come lashing against my peace-filled brain... I choose to remember.  In fact, you might just overhear me walking around the house saying, "I have seen Him feed 9,000 mouths!" to remind myself.  

We can choose to remember.  

I choose to remember today and "forget not all His benefits"  (Psalm 103).   These moments of remember may just keep this buzzin' brain at bay.  

Loved Even More Than Birdie

Every day, without fail, he comes to the window.

How he knows I am awake or how long he has been watching for me... only God knows!  My little friend---Mr. Black Bird.  Or, "Birdie" as we fondly refer to him.

Early each morning, I stumble downstairs and find myself a glass of water.  First things first...I am just trying to wake up!  And, without fail, Birdie flies over to my kitchen window.  He turns his head left, then right, trying to see me more clearly... I think.  Then he chirps.  Sometimes silently, just an open mouth chirp, like you might imagine from a young bird opening to his mother.  Sometimes he offers some soft sound. He is coming for food.  Raisins, to be exact.  (I have offered him alternatives without success)  His early morning cheeky begging for raisins is one of my great joys each morning.  I can hardly express the happiness it gives me to see him fly over---almost like he is announcing, "You're here!".

I adore his "feed me" eagerness and persistence.  I can walk around the kitchen for half an hour and he will wait.  Turning his head left, then right.  Mouth open.  Waiting.  Expecting.  He knows...  He just knows I can't resist him.  Too cute for words.

This was the keen picture which came to my mind today.  I was praying and telling God how thankful I was for His grand abundance of provision in my life.  There is so much He has given me---eyes that work, ears that hear, feet that function, a roof keeping off this horrid rain, a warm bed, food in abundance, and so so much more.  How can I even begin to articulate the gifts of goodness the Lord provides!?  I was in a moment of profound gratefulness... when this clear image of Birdie popped into my mind.

As I was prayerfully curious about the picture, I could sense God wanting to show Himself--- His heart.  This.  This, Stephanie, is how I feel about you. 

Like a flash, I had the thought that God loves to give.  ...No, not only loves...   God loves AND delights to give His kids good gifts.  It makes Him thoroughly happy when we come to Him for our food.  When we daily look for Him, wait for Him, and when we expect good things from His hand.  The joy I feel when I feed Birdie--- this.  This is how God feels about us.  We can bring Him joy.  You and me.  The thought of bringing joy and delight to God is truly staggering; and, certainly Biblical.

"You are precious in my eyes.... and I love you." (Isaiah 43:4)

"God the Father will give good gifts to those who ask Him." (Matthew 7:11)

"The Lord Almighty will take great delight in you..." (Zephaniah 3:17)

The verses are endless.  If you look for the heart of God---Old Testament and New--- you will see the heart of love, delight, and determination on God's part to give goodness to His people.

Lord, thank You for your daily provision for me.  You give me so many things... and even "raisins" (what I like!).  Keep my heart ready and waiting for You each day.  May I run to Your word and wait in anticipation for Your filling and feeding.  You delight to give me good things!  Your food is my hearts greatest desire, I know.  Keep me eager and persistent and ever looking for it---and looking for You.  

Every day.  Without fail.  I want to come to you and wait expectantly.

The Loaves

"Fraud alert!" is never a good email subject line.  Right?

Usually these alerts amount to nothing.  Something I did has triggered the credit card or bank alert system. But, not yesterday.  

Yesterday 1,000 dollars was taken from my bank account.  After seeing the alert, I logged into our bank and my savings account sat there staring at me with 0.08 cents as it's balance.  Black and white.  8 cents. The money was gone!   

In the following micro seconds, while staring at the 8 cents,  I had a fervent stream of  deep fear and worry.... my daughter's help for college, travel to my brother's wedding this summer, the car breaks...  AH!  How?!  NO!?!  

And then almost immediately the phrase came into my mind... understand and remember the loaves...

Quiet and whispered...  remember the loaves, Stephanie.  

The phrase floated over my consciousness, as I sat staring at my empty bank account, and I could feel a peaceful invitation.  Actually, maybe a smiling, happy invitation:  Come in... You need never be afraid.  You can be unmoved.  You actually can trust Me right now, too.  

Recently, my son and I have been discussing this "loaves" phrase from Matthew 6: 50-52 " Take courage!  It is I.  Do not be afraid.  Then He climbed into the boat with them and the wind died down.  They were completely amazed, for they had not understood about the loaves; their hearts were hard"

Directly after watching Jesus feed five thousand people, the disciples get into a boat and get caught in rocky, difficult weather and water.  They are afraid.  Jesus walks to them on the water and that freaks-them-out maybe more!  The minute He gets in the boat, the water calms.  This surprised and shocked them, too.  What?  Jesus can do miracles?  What?  He can walk on water?  ...and in His presence, the wind dies down?!  It is almost as if this was the first time they had seen Him do miracles.  But it wasn't!! They had already seen so much.  In fact, He had JUST fed five thousand mouths in front of their eyes.  (with twelve left over baskets of fish and loaves, I might add!) 

But, their hearts were hard and they hadn't taken it in.  They hadn't understood.  They weren't remembering.  They were walking into this new situation---rough, tough seas and the ghost of Jesus--- and they were not translating His previous work to their difficult-now.  

How often do I do this?  How often do I forget?  

Oh! How many thousands of loaves has He given me and others I love!?!  Oh... how many answered prayers has He heard and answered.  He has lavished His very Self on and in me.  Years and years of fresh, daily miracles:  His power shown forth in food and the elements.  In the midst of difficult and the hard He has been present.    

In that early morning moment in front of my empty bank account, I stopped.  I hear you, Lord.  Almost with a slight giggle myself, I said out loud:  I understand the loaves, Lord!  I will remember and not harden my heart.   And, I left it.  ...not physically, of course.  There are phone calls and emails to be written---follow-up needed.  But, I left it emotionally.   I really left it.  

The whole day I left it.  Because of the time zone issue, there was nothing to be done till evening.  But, I dropped it and moved on in my day with peace and joy.  

With the trust, there was an implicit assumption and understanding that it may mean the money was gone for good, never to be recovered.  Sometimes God says, "No" to our requests.  He doesn't always give us physical loaves, to be sure.  Jesus never promises that the boat isn't going to rock!! 

If the money is gone for good...  Jesus, You've got this and You are with me!  

If it can be recovered... Jesus, You've got this and You are with me!  

I need never worry.  

I do worry sometimes.  And, I do harden my heart.  I don't always hear or respond to His peace-filled invitations.  But...  

Today, I understood the loaves.  

*In the end, the situation was sorted by the bank.  The money was returned.  There was indeed theft and apparently someone in New York had my debit card (even though I have it in hand here in the UK).  The joys of this dark and clever criminal world we live in!  But, in truth, all is well.  By the end of the day... all bread was back in the basket!  And I have plenty.    ...but, actually, in truth, I had plenty and enough when the bank account showed 0.08 cents.   

Missin' the Miraclulous

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At least three times a day I might just miss a miracle.

From fork to mouth, often without really thinking deeply about the realities of provision, I eat.  I know (somewhere solid and certain), in my head, that God has provided this food for me.  His provision is a gift.  But, how often is that provision a miracle?  How often do I miss the miracle of His gifts?

Reading together as a church Sunday morning in Mark 6:30-44, we were reminded of this truth of miraculous every-day-provision.  Jesus sees a hungry crowd and His very hungry disciples.  He knows they are in need.  Jesus sees this, not with disdain or as a bother, but with compassion.  He gets it.  He gets it and then He does something about it.

"He knows you need these things!"  (Luke 12:22-34)

Jesus takes a few loaves and some fish and feeds at least 5,000 mouths.  All the while, the crowd is told to sit down and eat.  Eat and enjoy!  Be satisfied.  So, they do.  They sit and have a nice little picnic, food slowly-but-surely distributed among them. In reality, they don't have a clue what is going on behind the scenes.  We get no indication that they are told that Jesus just miraculously expanded a few loaves of bread by, at least, 1,000 times.  They just miss it.  Hand to mouth provision and they don't see a thing.  They just eat.

Sitting comfortably, eating until they are satisfied... they simply enjoy a meal.  They enjoy a miracle and haven't any notion that heaven just moved and laws of nature shifted to provide the food that warms their stomachs.   They miss the miraculous.

How often are the heavens shifting for my belly, I wonder?  ...for my hunger and my thirst?

I don't want to miss it.  Open my eyes, Lord.  I want to see more!  Help me to see Your miracles every day.  Help me to walk aware and in awe of your daily provision of bread.  You are my good, good Shepherd.  

"Blessed are you, Lord our God, King of the Universe, who brings forth bread from the earth."  ~Jewish Prayer

The Field of Your Choosing

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At the new year, I felt strongly that God was inviting me into a journey through the Old Testament.  It has been a long time since I felt His leading this clearly regarding a place in Scripture to read.  If I am honest, I haven't been a big fan of portions of the Old Testament.  It can be a confusing place for me. Often, I seem to be missing something.  ...missing God, misunderstanding God, and His true character.  This invitation was a bit daunting and exciting at the same time.

I am very, very, very slowly making my way through and it truly has been a sweet experience.  My goal is to converse with God as we walk through the Old Testament together.  We have had some great---delightful and difficult--- conversations!  I ask "why?" and tell Him, "I really don't get this!" on a regular basis.  I ask Him to please tell me more.  I also find myself in awe at the revelation of His beautiful character.  I am not missing God this time around!!  

In this slow walk, I often read a section twice or three (or six) times.  We settle down and talk about a section for a while before we move on, sometimes a day later---or even after weeks on end. Yesterday, I was reading the first part of Exodus 17:1-7.  This is when God gives His thirsty people water from a rock.  Water from a rock...  Just think about that! Amazing!  I was struck by God's faithfulness to His people over and over.  They are in bondage--- He delivers.  They are in danger---He destroys their foes.  They are hungry---He feeds.  They are lost--- He leads.  They are thirsty--- He gives them water to drink (multiple times!).  I spent the remainder of my time yesterday praising His compassion, faithful love, and generosity.  

Today, as I sat down, I wondered if we should walk-on from here.  Nah... let's read it again.  

I read the same passage and new words jumped off the page.  I hadn't even noticed them yesterday:

"traveling from place to place, as the Lord commanded" (17:1)  God was leading the Israelites every step-of-the-way.  

I immediately thought:  You brought them to a place that had no water!  No water.  On purpose? What!? With feelings lingering close to indignation, yet mixed with amusement, I asked:  Why, Lord? What is this about?  Why would You lead them to a place with no water?  

The phrase which came to my mind after I asked this question was jarring:  The Lord is my Shepherd.

In recent years, this phrase has become a touch-stone for me: sweet words of comfort.  Words given by God as a gift of peace and a way back to joy. Through years of chronic pain, multiple moves, food allergies, and strange physical symptoms God has reminded me that I can trust Him to lead me exactly to the right field at the right time.  He owns me and loves me and will walk me, leading, every step of the way.  I don't have to worry... I can just watch my Shepherd and follow.  He knows.  He cares.  I can trust.  

Last night, in the midst of a bout of sleeplessness, I found myself utterly frustrated---even angry.  I didn't know who I was angry with---I was just angry.  Lack of sleep can do that to ya...  right?!  Similar to the Israelites in Exodus 17, I just wanted to complain and grumble:  Why am I even in this bed, tonight?  Did I come here, to this bed, to die of sleep deprivation? To toss and turn and rot?  

In the midst of tossing and turning, I remembered the comforting phrase and it truly brought calm and trust... the Lord is my Shepherd.  You are my Shepherd, God!  Within these words live a myriad of lessons.  I can believe that if this 'insomnia field' is the field He has brought me--- then, in this very field...  I will go, I can walk. I can lie down and trust Him.  He knows me.  He knows what I need.  His wisdom is pure and it sits on a foundation of love.  

Plain and simple, God does indeed bring His people... time-and-time-again... to places where there is no water to drink.   He leads them into battles.  Desert lands.  Foggy fields.  Dark places.  Will I now hear the invitation to watch and wait for Him to quench my thirst?  Will I expect water from a rock and manna from heaven? And, can I trust Him when I am left in the dungeon like Joseph for years on end?  

I walk with you in this field, the field of Your choosing, my good Shepherd.  

Chicken from God's Hand

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So, I have a pretty lengthy list of food allergies.   I have only figured this out in the last few years and am so glad for blood tests that have confirmed and helped the process.  But, it is still a bit new.  And, although I am deeply grateful to have this information about myself, it has been a bumpy, hill-and-valley-filled journey toward receiving this 'gift' with thankfulness.

It does make life a bit harder, to be sure.  And, it pushes hard on my 'don't be a bother' issue---  I am the one who is a bother when it comes to meal times.  I simply can't just eat anything these days.  And, it pushes on my 'I can't have a weakness' issue---In fact, I have weakness for all to see and witness at every meal time.  Pushing on these issues is good and right.  Pushing on these wounds, and others, is Loving!  But, it hasn't been an easy road. 

When I travel,  it becomes even more fraught with difficulties.  But, my loving Father continues to show me His care over even this mundane aspect of my life.  Food.

He talks alot about food in His word, have you ever noticed?  He talks about His provision and His care of food.  He talks about His gifts of food and His using food to nourish.  He talks about food's importance and it's place in our lives.  He also talks about being our food... He, Himself... our food.   He shares with us that He is sweeter than the very best earthly food. 

So, with an upcoming trip approaching came a dialogue with my Father about my food.  As we talked about my food---or my food allergies--- I felt a distinctly, determined faith rising up within my soul.  I truly felt His Spirit was placing in me a stubborn commitment to not worry about what I would eat.  I sensed an invitation to trust Him more. 

He would provide.  He was my good Shepherd and would provide exactly the food I needed in the pasture He was taking me.

But, I still planned.  And, I still prepared.  I made us a lovely breakfast for our 4 am train ride... including beautiful, egg-free, dairy-free, gluten-free, corn-free, sugar-free pumpkin muffins.  I was ready!

Until... in the midst of the 3 AM brain frog and haste of leaving, I forgot that lovely, full bag of food in my refrigerator. It is still sitting there as I write this! 

The minute I remembered it (on our way to catch the train), I felt such grief!  And, mingled in the grief...was the thought...  How in the world am I going to eat!?  What am I going to eat on this train and plane flight?! 

My head literally dropped down to my knees and I wanted to cry.  Worry and fear where hanging close by ready to jump.  Quicker still and stronger, though, was a tender thought that wafted across my mind.  I am Your Good Shepherd.  Trust me.  I will provide for you. 

I knew this was an opportunity.  This too was a practical, beautiful opportunity to fall head first into the invitation of trust from my Heavenly Father! 

So, in those wee hours, as we rode along that dark road to the train station, I opened my hands and told my sweet Father that I would trust Him.   Father, I trust You today. 

You should have seen the beautiful chicken breast dinner that was delivered to my airplane seat as we began our 11 hour plane flight that day!!  Truly it was miraculous.  I could eat it all... a tray full of delicious airplane food (I know, an oxymoron!) that I could eat.

He had led me into this pasture and was providing food for me.  He was delivering manna right to my airplane seat...  and it tasted wonderful!

He cares about this... even this.  He is my Shepherd.  He is your Shepherd, today, my friends.  Right where you are--- in your pasture--- He will provide all you need.  

I am learning, Father.  Thank you for teaching me.  And, thank you for using hard things to lead me forward in this lesson of faith. 

Do you trust me now?

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The Lord has always provided for me. 
  
Truly, through the years, I have had the privilege to see Him provide everything from finances, to visas, to refrigerators, cars, ...even babies! Even more importantly, I have-- time and time again-- seen Him provide His presence in the most needed moments. 
  
I have always been provided for.

Just recently, though, it seems that His provisions comes a bit "later" than I have grown accustom to. He seems to be saying "no" more and "wait" a lot more often these days. 

Lately, it feels like He brings me right up to the edge of the water, waits for me to put my toe in the water and then...

...He opens the "red sea"! 

But, my toe needs to touch the water first, it seems. His whispers into my soul have been, "Do you trust me now?". ...and "how about now?" ..."and now". 

These whispers are certainly not unkind; but, instead, just an asking---an invitation--- gently asking for my trust. "Do you know I love you, Stephanie?"

Just yesterday, as we were coming upon another move into the unknown, I finally bowed my head in complete surrender. 

It isn't that I haven't been attempting and even finding daily surrender to the Lord; but, this was a full face-plant kind of surrender. I said with deep, difficult sincerity, "I trust you, Lord" and "it is well with my soul". 

Now, of course, there is no formula to this! I can't say the magic words and blam! I will have exactly what I want or need... it is a heart thing.  

It is a relational thing. It is a daughter-dad thing.

My heart had to give in and give up, to trust a loving, kind and good Father and His plan... His timing. Trust is not about words. It is not something you can muster. I guess this time my toe finally went into the water because He just opened the "red sea"...
  

edited re-post from April 2009

The tumble and fall of the urgent "more"

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Just one more pair of jeans... that should do, right?  Oh!  and...I need just one more shirt in pink, then I am done.  Just one more trip to Target.  Or, one more book.  One more album.  Or, one more app.   For everyone it is different, for sure--- but,  we feel it, don't we?  Or, am I alone here feeling the tug?  


Because, what I have is great... but it is not quite enough.   Nearly, yes.  Well, okay-yes, it is enough, of course!  And, I am thankful, Lord.  But...  but, I just need this one more thing...  


And so it goes.  The tumble and fall, the slippery slope of the "more".  There seems to be a constant urge within--- an urgent cry, a tugging, a screaming, or a quiet nag--- for "more".


In the movie, "Sabrina", Sabrina Fair reminds Linus,  "More isn't always better, Linus.  Sometimes it is just more."  Oh! The tug and the pull of the more.  One more movie, one more episode, one more email, one more blog and one more blouse.  One more chip and one more bite...  Just one more.


It isn't always better, Stephanie.  Sometimes, it just more.


Certainly this isn't a problem that only Americans have... although I do feel it keenly living here these few months, to be sure.  This is a human problem.  Across time and generations this has been a problem.  Solomon speaks to it over and over again, "Man's appetite is never satisfied". (Ecclesiastes 6:7)


To be content with exactly what I have right now and nothing more.  I need for nothing.  I have no need, no want, and no "dream" for the more.  "For godliness with contentment is great gain". (I Timothy 6:6).  My Father reminds me that there is great gain in being okay with what I have.  What blessings await me to be content with the "now" and to be happy in what I have now.  "Moreover, when God gives any man wealth and possessions, and enables him to enjoy them, to accept his lot and be happy in his work--this is a gift of God. (Ecc. 5:19)  So, He invites me not only to be "okay" with what I have, but to enjoy it.  


Lord, bless me with this enjoyment and this contentment--- these gifts from You.  


"O thou who kindly dost provide
For every creature's want!
We bless Thee, God of Nature wide,
For all Thy goodness lent:
And if it please Thee, Heavenly Guide,
May never worse be sent;
But, whether granted, or denied,
Lord, bless us with content. Amen! ~Robert Burns Grace

Ample Opportunities

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They just don't seem to worry.  I watched them eat yesterday, these darling little birds--plump and singing their happy songs.  Cared for even amidst the snow and cold, these little ones don't have to be anxious.   They just eat what God has given them and go about their day. 

For me, in any given day, there are ample opportunities to worry.  From the lingering cough of a child, to the relational dynamics of family, to the laundry-pile that never ends...  each day, truly, holds enough worry of it own.  Each day there are plenty of reasons to feel anxious.  And, I do sometimes.  Do you?

Some moments, I feel this slight pain or tinge lingering in my stomach... worry...  and I have to stop and ask God, "Why am I feeling this way?"  It usually only takes a moment to pray and ponder my recent train-of-thought and it becomes clear why I am feeling just slightly queazy.  ...a passing thought of the upcoming credit card bill, a quick thought of the preparation I haven't done for that upcoming seminar, a conversation I feel insecure about...

My body can tense and feel the worry before I am emotionally aware of what my mind and heart are doing. 

Reading this morning, I was struck by the words of Christ to His disciples, "Do not be anxious". (Luke 12:22)  Just don't, He says.

Just don't do it.  Simple and sweet.

The beauty of Christ's words, though, include not only the "don't", but the "why not..."

Don't worry, He tells His friends.  Why?  Because, "He who planted the ear, does He not hear?  He who formed the eyes, does he not see?" (Psalm 94:9)  Why not worry, Stephanie?  Because, your loving, powerful Father sees and hears and knows. 

Why not be anxious, my friends?  Because, "God feeds them".  (Luke 12:24)
There is ample opportunity for worry, yes.  But, so are there a myriad of reasons to trust this One- this powerful Creator that sees, hears and knows all.  This day affords me ample opportunity to trust this One- this loving Father that clothes and feeds. 

Fear not, little flock, for it is your Father's good pleasure to give you the kingdom.  So, seek his kingdom and these things will be added to you!  (Luke 12:31,32)

Each day gives me ample opportunities to "fear not!" and occasions "to not worry".  Each day offers me circumstances to trust, to rest and to receive from my Father's hand.   ...to eat what He provides and go about my day, even in the snow. 

What do you long for?

Equilibrium. Rest. Peace and quiet.

This, I think, is what I truly long for. As I have pondered the words of Jesus, What do you want?, and I have asked Him to reveal my hidden longings... this is what comes bubbling up from within.

What do I want, Jesus? I want to be at peace. I want rest and order. I want quiet and simplicity. I want equilibrium.

Is this a sinful longing? I don't think so. I am asking God this very question. And, I believe it is a God-given desire, actually,---a longing that He gives and that He can fill.

I wonder if many or most of our real, hidden longings... if we reach back and deep in... are the longings created in us by Him and for Him to answer.

What do you want, I wonder? What do you really long for?

Is your longing "connection"? Purpose. To feel special or adored? To serve. Or to receive? To be seen or to be happy?

...to be at rest, like me?

Like the shape of our noses, or the color of our eyes... our longings are all different--- and yet, the same.

And, our longings are a sometimes very mixed up, aren't they? Mine are.

Like a mixed ball of string, one thread of the longing is godly and right; while the other threads, are mixed motivation and flesh strategies... and sin... all mixed in. What is what?

"...our desire for equilibrium can become an idolatrous attempt to deny a large part of what life is all about... the Psalms robustly deal with life as it really is and find God in disorientation as well as in harmony. We need to comprehend that there is no place where God is not" ~Elizabeth Canham

When does my longing for rest become idolatry? When does your longing to be heard, to be noticed, to serve, or to be loved stop being about God-given desires and become a 'god' in-and-of-itself?

I think, at least in part, our longings get off-the-mark when we try to accomplish them ourselves. We try to get them, or do them, on our own. A mentor helped me think through this yesterday with the question, "How and when do I try to make it happen?" When am I trying to fulfill my longing.

What are my learned behaviors, strategies, and coping mechanisms that work hard to "get it"on my own? In my flesh I can try to make it happen... just in case God doesn't show up!

Just in case this God-given longing is not filled by God (somewhere deep within I still 'hedge my bets') I do this-n-that to make sure my longings are filled. Day in and day out, am I even this aware of my heart?

And, then when it doesn't work... which it never really does!!!... I then tend to drift into my escape or "self-medicating" acts and mechanisms--- that is where the over-eating, the over-watching, over-sleeping, over-worrying, or over-playing might happen. Then, I feel badly or shameful about this sinful behavior.

When actually, it was the four steps prior,--- the steps of thought, or more acceptable acts of flesh that are the deeper root of the problem: the four steps prior that didn't work and didn't bring fulfillment for my longings.

The idolatry of heart that didn't fulfill fails and so I might run to the other escapes.

Okay, so I want equilibrium and rest. So, my planning. My ordering. My organizing and cleaning. My list-making and my sorting-of my children (and attempt to sort-out and control my husband) are ways that I attempt to get this rest, to fulfill my longing.

These prior acts of behavior and thought can all be an attempt to make it happen ... all in the effort to get that rest, that peace-of-mind, that I am longing for...apart from God.

So, is the answer to stop those behaviors. Should I stop cleaning, organizing and planning? I don't think so. I don't think the answer is about not doing the laundry!

It is about the heart. It is about my heart... your heart.

My mentor asked me, "What are you leaning into?... what is it that you put your weight into?"

"When you feel a bit overwhelmed, or out-of-control, or tired... where is your heart running to?"

Running to.

Leaning into.

Resting in...

Equilibrium and rest. Peace and quiet. Only He can fulfill this deepest desire in my soul.

"Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him." Psalm 62:5

"This is what the Sovereign Lord says: In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength, but you would have none of it." Isaiah 30:15

Feast of Thankfulness

Week by week, I join in a thankfulness-feast of sorts. Attempting to see God in the every day and the every moment, we are counting our grace-gifts throughout the day.

...the small and seemingly insignificant, the large gifts, the mundane ones and the wonderful... counting and thanking God each and every day. I am making my way toward counting and recording 1,000 gifts.

If you want to read the lists made by others, make your way to www.aholyexperience.com and enjoy a taste of the varied flavors, and beautiful dishes of grace-gifts that our Father is serving His kids each day!

Here are a few on my list this week:

#564. A dear friend calls and initiates an afternoon chat and coffee.

#565. Choco-stars and happy breakfast eaters.

#567. Selah

#568. Smiles and silliness from shy, quiet kids visiting my home.

#569. Protective cows.

#570. Protective husband stands up to the protective cows.

#576. Pain that is mild today.

#579. Singing girl.

#583. Cookies and punch.

#585. Rock band and little hands playing the drums... too, too cute.

#586. Protection of my son and friends from a serious fall in the yard.

#587. "Thank you for dinner, Aunt Stephanie", from sweet little one getting up from the table.

Grace upon grace. Gift after gift, God gives. And, I eat. I feast. And, say, "Thank you!"

Takin' care of me

My Father in heaven is always watching over me. Psalm 121 speaks of Him four different time as being the "keeper" (protector, or guard) of His people. He is my ward. My caretaker. He is my keeper.

Just as some days I seem to be more aware of my desperate need for His protection, there are days when I become keenly aware of His keeping. Today, His keeping has been tangible.

Yesterday I worried. I allowed the planning, the schedule and the future to overwhelm me and I slipped head-long into worry. As I fretted and worried, ... I schemed and planned... trying to figure it all out and make it fit. Did I even pray or ask Him to help? Yes. Yes, I suppose I did. But, not with much faith that He would, as sad as that sounds. I did bring it to Him a bit... but mostly, I just worried and calculated. How was it all going to fit? How was I going to get it all done?

Today He just showered me with gifts. He gave me answers and through His kids (my sisters in Christ) He provided help I wasn't even willing, or planning, to ask for. He just said, "Stephanie, here, my love... here is the help you need." He truly just put the help, the answers, "the scheme" right in front of me and gave me what I needed.

And, I am not worried tonight.

Last night I worried. Tonight I rest in the confidence that He provides. Simple grace. Undeserved blessing. Simple mercy from loving Father that gets how dull and how unfaithful I can be. Simple love through His hand, through His people.

My Father is always guarding me. He is always protecting me. He is my keeper. He does not sleep. Although this is always true of my Father, today my heart is full of this truth and rejoicing. May I grow in trusting this kind, loving, protecting Father.

I lift up my eyes to the hills—where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth.

He will not let your foot slip— he who watches over you will not slumber;indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. The LORD watches over you— the LORD is your shade at your right hand; the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night.

The LORD will keep you from all harm— he will watch over your life; the LORD will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore. Psalm 121

My portion

photo source

Generally in any every-day conversation, when I hear the word portion I think of food. How hungry are you? How big of a portion do you want... how much do I give my kiddos? My "portion" is what I get for dinner. We talk about it when discussing diets and healthy life styles. Your portion is how much you need to be satisfied and satiated. Anything beyond my portion at dinner (say, dessert or an evening snack...) is really beyond what I 'need'. It is an addition...

This morning I was reading from Psalm 142 and was struck with the phrase, "O Lord, You are my refuge and my portion". In this psalm it is clear that David is in need. He is upset, tired and pouring out his complaint before the Lord. He is needy. He is "hungry", you might say. And right in the middle of the Psalm, he speaks out, "You, O Lord are my portion".

I feel that way sometimes. I feel like I could easily make a list for the Lord of all the ways I need Him to come through. If this were better... If you just did this... If you would answer this one, Lord... And, there is much room in His word for asking. He wants us to ask. He wants us to pour out our complaints to Him and share our hearts. He wants our honesty and our requests.

But, I was struck by David's choice... midstream... to speak out, to speak to his own soul and mind, "You are my portion". I think he is saying, essentially, ...there are so many things I need, Lord; but, You are my enough. You alone will satisfy me. You are what will make me full and satiated. You will fill my hunger and you are really all I need. My portion. My enough. He chooses to speak truth into his own situation and his own heart.

...dessert would be great, Lord. ...a snack would be nice. But, YOU are my portion and truly all I need. You are my enough. You are all I need.

Increase Your Store

This morning I was feeling weak. I came to the Lord wondering, "Who am I!" and "What in the world am I doing"... Thoughts like, "I don't know how to pray!...Why would you call ME to a ministry of prayer!" "I can't move again, Lord. I can't meet all these new people". I felt weak and maybe a bit worn.

I am so grateful for my morning times with the Lord. Truly they are an anchor. God uses them to wrap His truth around me and belt me in, much like the "belt of truth" that we are called to wear in Ephesians. I remember this being described once as a belt that sailors would use in a storm. They would tie themselves to the mast of the boat. The belt would anchor them to the ship. It would hold them firm as wind and waves crashed in around them. He is my belt of truth in the mornings.

This morning He wrapped this passage around my waist, "Now he who supplies seed to the sower and bread for food will also supply and increase your store of seed and will enlarge the harvest of your righteousness" 2 Corinthians 9:10. My heart was moved instantly! It is His supply. He supplies my seed... my ability, my time, my energy, my desire, my food, my every need. It is all from Him.

The context of this verse is about giving or sowing generously. So, He said to my heart through His word this morning... Stephanie, sow GENEROUSLY. Sow your gifts, your money, sow your time, sow your energy and sow your heart. Give it! I have given it to you. AND... I will not only provide what you need for tomorrow too, I will INCREASE your store of seed and enlarge your harvest of righteousness.

I tend to hold on to my energy... only use this much, Lord. It is my attempt to be ready for what tomorrow might hold. I tend to hold tightly to my heart and my time... only give this much, Lord. It is my attempt to be careful about what I might have to give tomorrow. But, this is not what God has for me. "For he that sows generously will also reap generously" 2 Cor. 9:6

God is not calling me to be careful with my self today. He is calling me to give. I am weak, YES. But, in my weakness He is strong! I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. So, in His strength, through His seed, I can give of myself in all ways today. I don't have to look at tomorrow and worry if I will have enough. He will supply all my needs and even increase my store!

"Almighty God, through the power of your Holy Spirit you enable us to do and be more than we can think or imagine. Come now, dwell within us, and make us strong to do your work and will. Through Christ our Lord. Amen." ~from A Guide to Prayer

Extravagant Love

The other day we were invited to have dinner out. It isn't that we can't afford a restaurant exactly... But, wanting to be careful in the choices we make with our finances... Ugh. A "check" in my Spirit, you might call it. I didn't feel the freedom to go out for dinner. Just hours before we had been talking about the fact that all our money is God's money. It is all His! It is a good thing to remember when the many things to buy, to do and to eat are calling out for consumption in this land o' plenty! I had also struggled with a bought of worry this week after a peek at our finances. So, I felt the heaviness of a decision of eating out that night.

Discussing the "dinner plan" decision in the car was no help at all. I mean, come on Mom!, the decision was ...Leftovers at home. Or dinner out with friends...? Anyone can guess what the kids' vote was! But, this isn't a democracy, right?!

And, so I found myself in a conversation with God. He is the owner... why not ask Him what He thought about us using His money to eat out. Lord, would you have us go to dinner tonight? What would you like us to do with your money tonight? No answer. Stillness and peace, but no answer. (minus the "voting" going on in the back seat of the car).

I walked in the front door and on the ground in front of me was an envelope. An envelope had come in the mail from some friends and can you guess what was inside? Cash. No joke. In it was money and a note telling us that we were loved. The note told us to use the money for a night out, ...maybe an ice cream! The note insisted we use it for something 'extra' and unnecessary. I knew instantly that God was answering me. He was saying "yes" this time. He had answered my question. Why does this still surprise me?

Extravagant love. It was extravagant love from my friends who thought to send it. It was extravagant love from my Father who delivered it through the mail slot just at the perfect time in response to my question... knowing all along that I would ask Him. It was a relatively "small" gift that felt exceedingly extravagant and communicated love to my heart. Thank you Lord! You do own it all!

Microwaves on a thousand hills

As I walked out of our "manna" house this morning, I was surprised and greeted with a friend's bright face. He smiled and said, "Ya want a microwave"? I don't have to wonder long how many people were visited this morning by a friend offering them a microwave out of the back of their car. I, of course, returned his warm greeting with a smile and, "Sure! Bring it in..."

We have a funny saying that is commonly used in our family. The phrase originates in Psalms, when God describes Himself as the owner of all things. "All animals are mine and the cattle on thousand hills", he said in Psalm 50. We, as a family, like to use that verse and plug in our own words... depending on how we are seeing God's provision in our lives. Tonight the phrase, "God owns the microwaves on a thousand hills" is bouncing around in my head and I am smiling.

The life of ministry that God has called us to has been one where we find ourselves constantly in need of something. This has not been easy for me. Frankly, I don't like to be weak; but, even more than that, I really don't like to "look" weak or have to ask for anything. My pride is significant in this regard.

God knows this about me and has used our calling, lifestyle and situations to school me in the world of provision, request, humility and ... well, the Body of Christ. It has been an amazing and sometimes painful journey. When we first started out raising our financial support, it was all chore... all humiliating and honestly, a distasteful part of our work. Now, ten years later, our financial support is deeply encouraging to me and a daily reminder of God's provision. The journey is not over, that is for certain! I am still quite prideful and still there is a tinge somewhere in my soul when I have to ask for something...

But I am learning.

On Monday, God gave us a house. ...by tomorrow the house will be fully furnished without us spending a dime. Amazing. ... from God's hand, through God's people. I believe it is God's Body functioning exactly as it should.

In the last three days I have seen His ownership of houses, couches, beds, sheets, side tables and even baking dishes". I now have too many cookie sheets to fill my "manna" kitchen! I will fall asleep worshipping a God who owns the cookie sheets on a thousand hills!

Do you trust me now?

The Lord has always provided for me. 
  
Truly, through the years, I have had the privilege to see Him provide everything from finances, to visas, to refrigerators, cars, ...even babies! Even more importantly, I have-- time and time again-- seen Him provide His presence in the most needed moments. 
  
I have always been provided for.

Just recently, though, it seems that His provisions comes a bit "later" than I have grown accustom to. He seems to be saying "no" more and "wait" a lot more often these days. 


Lately, it feels like He brings me right up to the edge of the water, waits for me to put my toe in the water and then...

 photo source

...He opens the "red sea"! 


But, my toe needs to touch the water first, it seems. His whispers into my soul have been, "Do you trust me now?". ...and "how about now?" ..."and now". 


These whispers are certainly not unkind; but, instead, just asking gently for my trust. "Do you know I love you, Stephanie?"

Just yesterday, as we were coming upon another move into the unknown (another 'where will we be living next week and where will we live in a month' moment), I finally bowed my head in complete surrender. 


It isn't that I haven't been attempting and even finding daily surrender to the Lord; but, this was a full face-plant kind of surrender. I said with deep, difficult sincerity, "I trust you, Lord" and "it is well with my soul". 


And, blam, we now have a house to live in right here in town for the remainder of our stateside time. Hmm... Now, of course, there is no formula to this! I can't say the magic words and blam I will have exactly what I want or need... it is a heart thing. 


It is a relational thing. It is a daughter-dad thing.

My heart had to give in and give up, to trust a loving, kind and good Father and His plan... His timing. Trust is not about words. It is not something you can muster. I guess this time my toe finally went into the water because He just opened the "red sea" (a very small "red sea", I would admit; but, a red sea in my life none-the-less)...
   
Thank you, Lord. You are faithful.