Can you change me?

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Do you ever feel absolutely sure you are right about something?

I read somewhere that a true, genuine conversation can only happen if both parties are ready and willing to be changed by each other.  Conversation and dialogue only happen when I sit anticipating my viewpoint will indeed be altered because of this discourse.  Problem is...  what happens when you think you are absolutely right?  Period.  Full stop.

This prideful, closed way of "communication" happens much, much more frequently than genuine conversation.

I used to think it was certain personality types--- mine or my husband (ha!), for instance!---which felt they were "right" or "correct" all the time.  Or, maybe it was family of origin training.  Certainly my family has it in spades!   All I knew was that I struggled and was upset when my viewpoint was challenged or questioned.

The more years I live, I am convinced that this is true about everybody.  Every-single-body struggles when their point of view feels threatened.  Maybe not on all accounts, to be sure; but, just poke around a bit to find that person's topic-of-certainty.  Push it.  Or have a slightly differing slant or question... and you will feel the mechanisms of defense.  (Defenses are many...and they do tend to suit each personality.)

Don't get me wrong, I am a firm, firm believer if absolute Truth.   I believe that God gives us insight into and understanding of His Truth... certainly He has given us a huge leg-up with the gift of Scripture (the unchanging Truth).  We have a great deal of clarity on many areas from God's Word...  "all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God" (Romans 3:23), for example.  Pretty clear.  I can hold this and many other biblical truths securely. But, I also know that my ability to understand God's ways and truth is significantly limited.   So many things I hold true are impacted by Stephanie-ism.  (Definition of "ism": a distinctive practice, a system or philosophy.)  Stephanie-practice.  Stephanie-system.  Stephanie-philosophy.

Just as there are indeed rock-solid, unchanging Truths in Scripture; equally so, there are many 'not so black and white' areas that I am learning to be at peace holding more tentatively in my hands...

...What one thinks about global warming, boarder control, working mothers, or homeschooling.  How one decides to parent a small child or keep a house.  How one interacts with their adult children, their aging parents or their neighbors.  Where and how one chooses to work, to play, or to rest.  What one thinks about exercise and diet. What one does with their time, their money, their energy... for example.  In these areas, I long to have genuine and true conversations with others.  While I believe that God's Word touches and impacts each of these areas... the "certainty" case is not closed or locked.

Can I be changed by another's ideas and their thoughts?  Can you change me?

All these things above, I think about.  And, I certainly have my opinions on each of these issues---as I am guessing you do, as well.  But, can you be changed---even if just slightly?

Yesterday, I had a conversation where I felt 'changed'.  Honestly (and slightly embarrassingly), going into the interaction, I felt very "right" in my discernment and advice.  Our first interaction about the topic did not go very well.  It was a few hours later over coffee, when this friend and I re-visited the dialogue where the thought twigged for me, "A true conversation is one where you are ready to be changed".  In that moment, I prayerfully looked across the table ready to be impacted.

Was it my openness or just the grace of the person talking with me that allowed for the topic to be resurfaced?  ...maybe a bit of both.  But, I distinctly felt a profound "aha" moment while this dear one was explaining her values and view point.  It was a lovely smack to my pride when I realized that I had been looking at the issue from one singular point---a limited way of thinking---truly unknowingly.  Her words and explanation changed me, even if just slightly.  In that moment, I had available to me another way of seeing the issue and her decisions made sense to me in a way that I had been unable to see before.  Our conversation changed me.

As I reflect on this today, I wonder and quiz myself a bit as to how often I do this with God--- let alone other people.  How often do I pray, assume, and walk forward in the "right" way, without a humble, surrendered heart ready to be impacted by my interactions.

Problem is... I generally think I am right.  Period.  Full stop.

Lord Jesus, have mercy on me, a sinner and fallen short of Your glory.  Change me from the inside out.  

Always a Way Out

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As I approached the book of Leviticus, I must be honest...  I was a little wary.  My journey slowly through the Old Testament, looking for the Father's heart, has (up to this point) been such a delightful blessing of revelation and awe.  I have seen God's heart time and time again in these first books and have enjoyed getting to know Him better as we journey through His words together in conversation.

But, Leviticus...  hmmm...  I  must admit it took me a week---maybe it has been even two weeks---to even attempt the first "crack" into the book.  Who really wants to read Leviticus?

Lord, show me Your heart here...  

I shouldn't be too surprised to find, though, that actually I have already had a beautiful glimpse into the heart of God in this book.  I really believe God loves this request---show me You, show me Your heart!

As I read, I am struck over and over again at God's provision.

He knows people.  He knows His people very well.

He knows what we will do and what we need.  He is obviously keenly aware that we will sin---both intentionally and unintentionally.  It is just taken for grated.  It is like He is saying, 'Of course, they will, that is why they need me!!'  So, He gives them "a way out" right from the beginning.

Our faithful and compassionate God!!  Slow to anger and always ready to love...  He sets up a system ready and waiting for us to sin.  We will.  And, He knows this.  ...so He gives us a way to make amends.

Just finishing Leviticus 6 yesterday, it struck me how often I had read this phrase in the passing six chapters:  they will be forgiven.

They will be forgiven.  Now and in the future, this is the heart of God for His people.  For me and for you.  He always offers a way forward.  He always opens the doors for repentance and forgiveness.

I am amazed by the grace in which I stand (Romans 5:2).  Feet planted firmly in a deep puddle of grace, I have been forgiven.  I have placed my hand on the head of the suffering Jesus, my sacrifice (Leviticus 4:4) and I am saved!

It is never too late to walk forward and turn again to Him.  This is His heart.  It has always been His heart.  Don't be wary any longer.  Journey in.  Take His way out, today!  He knew.  He knows you will sin.  He offers a way-out and waits with love...

God's Status Update

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Today Facebook asked me to "describe who you are".

Apparently this is a new feature Facebook added recently. (or, am I just totally behind the times...equally possible!)  Anyway,  I am asked to answer this weighty question by filling in a tiny square at the top of my page ...in 101 characters or less.

I sat a while and wondered what is most important. Who am I? What shall I say here to sum-up Stephanie ... in 15 words.  Where do I start?  Funny, these thing.

As I sat down to read in Exodus 34 this morning, I saw God's answer--- I saw His "describe who you are" post.  Succinct and to the point, (although, I am not sure He hit the 101 character limit) He tells us what is most important.  He tells us who He is.  

Who are you, God?  

"I AM compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness, maintaining love to thousands, forgiving wickedness, rebellion and sin. Yet I do not leave the guilty unpunished.” (Exodus 34:6)

There are many words I could use to describe God.  If it were me filling in God's "describe who you are" box, what might I write?  Where do I begin?  Strong, Wise, Powerful, Eternal, Kind, Right, Holy,...

These are all true about Him, to be sure.  But, when He describes Himself in this instance... He chooses to start with compassion.

Some translations use the word mercy.  Either way, I am so deeply grateful that He starts with mercy!  He begins His description with compassion and grace.  Abounding love and faithfulness.

What a beautiful picture!  In these words, God Almighty reveals an incredible truth to Moses---and to me.  God's foundation, His very core ...the very center of "who He is" is compassion, grace, patience, love, faithfulness, forgiveness and justice. These are the words He chooses to use to describe Himself--- to reveal Himself.

Oh! How I want to know this God more!

Now that I have God's "describe who you are" section.  I wonder how He might fill in "where you work" or "what's on your mind"?  What would God's Facebook status be today?

Grace for a Cracked Little One

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It cracked!  Oh no!!  

It cracked and we both instantly felt afraid.

Straight through the delicate, beautiful, pink flowers was an obvious crack.

Mom!!!  Mom, what do I do!?  The look in her eyes was sheer panic. I felt it, too.

The heat of shame flushed down my neck as I realized what had just happened.  The borrowed tea cup had just cracked!

They had freely given my daughter this precious item to use... but, it had also come with a warning.  Be careful!  Please be careful, she had said, it is very fragile.  She had been careful!!  I watched her carefulness.  Proud of her, I watched as she heeded the generous warning...

But it didn't matter.  This precious piece of history was now leaking tea...  it had cracked.

My girl had just needed one more tea cup and saucer for the Christmas tea she was hosting.  Last minute, we asked around... neighbors.  And, this one was given.

It was 50 years old.  Bought on a honeymoon to commemorate a marriage.  A precious treasure that was then stored away... hardly ever used.  But, freely given.  They wanted her to use it.

And, she had been so very careful with it!

But, it clearly cracked and leaked.  We both felt afraid and ashamed.

Mom, what do I do!? 

In that moment, I calmly advised her to lay it down.  She had done her best, I told her.  We would deal with the problem after the party.

Lay it down, my sweet girl. 

Go enjoy your party.  Enjoy your friends.  It is not a worry for now.  Lay it down. 

Sweet girl, they will be graceful.

These last words were spoken with a hopeful prayer behind them.  Oh! Father, help them to be graceful!

We hang on so tightly to things, don't we!?  We treasure this world and our homes and our bodies.  We grasp and we grab and we just tug a bit tightly.  Or, at least, I do.  When our world and our bodies and our things break---we feel angry, we feel hurt.  It hurts when our things crack.

What grief might this cracked-precious-thing bring to my dear friends?  The thought made my stomach turn.

The Christmas tea went off without another hitch.  The giggling and singing of girl-friends wafted through the house.  She had moved on and enjoyed!

But, she hadn't forgotten.  After the laughter died down, the games were finished and the party was over, she looked at me again with fear.  Go with me, please, Mom!  I need you.   We walked hand-in-hand.  We walked the tiny, delicate, now-damaged memento home to her owners.

Do you know what they said...

The word grace hardly even describes the response.  It felt bigger, sweeter, and even more tender than grace.

The minute my sweet girl confessed the crack, those old eyes sparkled and even laughed a bit with light in them, "Oh!  Honey! Don't you worry another minute.  I am so sorry you were troubled about it at all.  Honey, I am going to heaven soon... and I am NOT taking this with me!"

I am not taking this with me! 

As we left, I thanked her for her grace.  She chuckled out loud this time, "Oh, dear! If I can't give grace at this age, then none of us have hope!"

My girl and I left their home with a lightness in our step and praise on our lips.

I guess we had many lessons to learn that night...  a lesson in trying your best and things still cracking!  A lesson in letting things go and enjoying a party anyway.  I think we had a lesson in prayer and hopeful expectations.   And a lesson in repentance and humility.  A lesson in the giving and receiving of grace.

Most certainly we both had a lesson in what really matters.  In holding a bit less tightly to this world.

A lighter hand.  A looser grip.

If it cracks a bit... it really is okay.  There is grace for that, too.

Life Long Journey of Grace

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It's a journey of grace, my sweet son.

Every day.  Needed grace...

My son has been reading a great book, Growing Up Christian by Mark Jacobsen.  In this book the author challenges students to take their faith in God seriously... to make it "there own".  He pokes a bit at the non-Christian student living in the home of Christian parents.  He wants his readers to think, to analyze, and to test their faith.  He writes in a winsome way, to be sure; but, my eleven year old son hears something different as he reads.  He has taken it to heart so seriously that he has been in tears a few times.

Confused.  Agitated.  Upset.  Am I even a real Christian, Mom?...  he has wondered and questioned out-loud.

It is journey of grace, my son.  A journey... one foot in front of the other.  

My son deeply loves God.  My son also struggles with the need to be perfect; or the desire to be "already done".  He struggles with frustration and defensiveness with his own weakness and sin.  He wants to be perfect today.  Yesterday would have been nice.

Hmmm...just like his Mamma.  Nature or nurture?  I don't know.  But, I heard his heart and knew his pain as he struggled through today's chapter on pride.  He questioned and felt angst!  I think he was even angry at the book.  I get it.

In this chapter, Mark Jacobsen is inviting the reader to a sweet adventure in humility.  He is pointing out the difficulty of pride in our lives.  He is offering suggestions and pathways to walk to becoming more humble. Very helpful, for sure.  But, to my son, he heard condemnation.  He grieved the fact that he isn't there yet.

I am so prideful, Mom!  

And, if I am honest (which Jacobsen encourages), I don't even really want to be humble at all!   All this was said with exasperation and frustration--- not with the author, exactly, but with himself.

His father's words were priceless... "Oh, buddy, don't worry... you will be struggling with your pride for years to come!"  We all laughed.

One foot in front of the other...

It is a journey of grace, my boy.  Every day.  All day.  Needed grace.  

I keep telling my son... and telling myself... that perfection is not for today and probably not tomorrow either. He chuckles when I say this.  So, do I.    Of course it isn't!?  We can laugh together at our insecurities and our quirks.

Perfection isn't for today; but, instead we have just grace.  Just simple, marvelous, unexplainable, incredible grace.

I remind him often that we have fresh mercy every day and we can fall into His unfailing love and faithfulness.  Just as sure as the sun will rise tomorrow, he will indeed sin or at the least he will want to sin.  And, just as sure as the sun will set tomorrow, God has grace for that too...

I need it today.  You?  I need that never-ending, abundant grace poured out from my loving Father.

Every day.

Old Videos...Old (and New) Grace

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Clunky, chunky old VHS tapes gather dust in the back of our television cupboard.  Tucked away in a place we never go, a place we forget, these video tapes sit quietly keeping record of another time---was it another life?

We pulled one out last week to watch with our kids.  We hadn't seen these tapes in over fifteen years.  In fact, I am not sure we have ever watched these tapes...

In the first scene, here she was---Stephanie---a blond pony-tailed girl, hardly touched by the early morning 5 AM taping of our departure!  Young kids we were... in our early twenties...  leaving the known of California and venturing out to follow God's call overseas.  Duffle bags, a scarf for my head and wearing a long skirt, we were flying away to Central Asia.  What were we thinking?!  We had only been married for 2 years. We knew that God was asking us to go.  

Bright eyed and not a speck of grey in my hair, we were so young!  

I watched and found myself judging that young Stephanie.  Liking "her" sometimes and not liking her much at other moments in the video tape,  I watched and judged and wondered...  who was she, anyway?  And, who am I now?  Did I like her better then?  Do I like who I have become now?  

Is this what a mid-life crisis feels like?!   

As I sat in my clunky and chunky living room chair, I wondered and I prayed.  Feeling heavy with the memories of mistakes and victories, I needed to process these VHS moments.  In my mind's eye, I prayerfully walked through those fifteen years with Jesus... asking.  Watching... Wondering.  

What does He see?  What would He say? 

Taking a walk down memory lane with Jesus, I asked for His thoughts.  

His words poured over my soul.  Grace.  Unmerited favor.  

It is all grace.  

My grace has covered you since before you were born!  I have walked with you.  I walked with you then, Stephanie... yes, as you stumbled and fell.  Yes, as you stood firm and walked in victory.  

All along... I have poured out grace.

  

Grace.  Favor poured out.  

My grace has covered you and covers you now.  And, will continue to cover you.  Every day. 

Every day grace.  It is all grace, Stephanie.  Just grace.  Just beautiful, powerful, unexplained grace.    

"From the first to last... all my life will pass through grace!" ~Mike Rayson, "Just Grace"  

Whispers of Spring

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They always surprise me.

These deep green shoots sprouting up out of grey and death.  My yard---one day empty and void of life.  The next moment they appear, whispering hope.  They remind me that it will not always be dreary or dark.  It will not always be grey and winter.  Spring time will come.

I somehow forget, when the winter months are here, that deep within the soil of my garden there are bulbs that will push through.  Beautiful, brightly colored tulips and daffodils lie dormant... quietly waiting to spring-out and shine forth radiance.  Spring after Spring they surprise me!

In a few weeks time, we will see these tulips displayed.  At the end of these lively green shoots---which press hard against the rot, the dead leaves, and the cold soil---there will be beauty.  Heads held high they will rise up in worship and proclaim that winter is done!  Indeed with their color and their stance they will shout "life"!

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What are the wonderful things that God has planted deep within me that will push through this coming Spring?  What has He planted in you through the years?

Stirred in me today is a hope of things to come.  ...the love, the joy, the patience, the kindness, the gentleness...  these seeds planted through pain of winter-months-past.  What will Springtime bring in my life, I wonder.

I see deep green shoots of hope pushing through my soul.  I see moments of laughter and joy that come more naturally.  Trust that is found more quickly.  I see patience that surprises me!  These "flowers" are the budding life of God's Spirit living and working within my heart...

He is at work.  He is faithful.  He will keep working.  And, birthing.  And, watering.  And, growing.  And, leading.  And, teaching.  And, He will produce good fruit in my life.  I can trust Him.

Even if, indeed, it will always surprise me!

Started Again

In March 2011, I joined Ann Voskamp at www.aholyexperience.com in a wonderful exercise of gratitude.  Ann challenged her blog readers to join her personal journey in "counting" and make note of 1,000 grace gifts from God.

What a sweet sojourn it was!  I loved the adventure of looking for God's love gifts throughout my day and then writing them down, filling a journal full of thankfulness!  It truly trained my eyes in seeing the big, the small, the good, and the hard ...seeing all as gifts from God's grace-filled and loving hands.

Since then I have found myself "missing" this discipline from time-to-time... so, this week, I decided to start afresh and count again!  Today starts my first (second-time-through) 1,000 Gifts Thankfulness post.  (I will be posting early each week from my list, so you can join me or just follow me in the adventure!)

So, here is my list thus far.

Grace gifts...
#1.  Your word is a lamp unto my feet.
#2.  Your love is better than life!
3.  Warm blankets on a cold morning.
4.  Happy boy, chatting and sharing his thoughts.
5.  The faithfulness of Your love and grace.
6.  Light mornings.
7.  Hot coffee made for me.
8.  A smile from a stranger.
9.  Fun pool time---giggles and special family "date".
10.  Kitchen helpers cleaning up after dinner.
11. Cool morning air on my face.
12.  Kids who will still climb onto my lap and share their dreams.
13.  Quiet still moments to listen for His voice.
14.  Fresh mercy for today.
15.  Encouraging emails that bring a smile to my heart.
16.  Well written classic literature, written from your children of old.

It is never easy.

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It never is easy.

To forgive.

When the pain has been real, and hard, and deep... it is never easy to forgive.

My sweet girl is learning.  And, so am I---alongside her.

"I don't know if I am ready to forgive her", she responded with tears.  She was responding to my question, "Can I help you? Can I help you forgive her?"

...if I am ready.  When are we ever really ready to let it go and to lay it down?  Are you ready?

Sometimes we just have to choose.  And, that is never easy.

"But she hurt me...", she explained, not protesting as much as asking me to understand.

"Yes," I replied, "if I was in your shoes, I would be hurt too."

Forgiveness isn't needed unless it has hurt.  Forgiveness is only really necessary if injustice has been done.  Where there is wrath and judgment rightly earned, there and only there is forgiveness really forgiveness at all.

I think, as Christians, we push too many of these hurts under-the-carpet of "brotherly love".  "It isn't really that big of deal", we might say.  Or, "they didn't mean it".  Or, "I am just being over sensitive."  In this, we don't actually forgive bad behavior, instead we ignore it or excuse it.  Which would be a great tactic if it worked.  But, it doesn't.  We push it under-the-carpet and then it actually grows mold, stench and bitter roots under our carpets.  These things---even these little things--- must be acknowledged.  ...before God.

I am not talking confrontation here.  I am talking about acknowledgement---to the One who does "get-it" and the One who is perfect!

So, she did it.

My sweet girl.  She told God that she had been hurt.  She told God that what this girl had done had been painful and wrong.  ...even if this girl was totally unaware.  How common is that true?  Most those hurts we push under the carpet are hurts that the perpetrator doesn't even know they have done.  ...but, they still hurt.

Those sticks.  Those stones.  And, those words have hurt.

And, they can be forgiven.  And, they can be covered by brotherly love!  But, they need to be acknowledged and held up before the Lord of the Universe who sees all.

She told God how she felt.  And, then we asked the Holy Spirit to show her what He thought about the situation.  We asked the Holy Spirit what He would say about them... both girls... both she and her friend.  What did He think?  And, with revelation came peace and compassion.  With His Voice came release and the ability to forgive.  To bless.

We ended our prayer time with my girl initiating blessing over this friend.  "I bless her, Jesus.  Pour out Your blessing on her, I ask."

And, the heavy hurt was lifted.

It still makes her stomach churn just a bit when she thinks of it, she said to me today.  Of course it does, my girl.  Of course, it does!

But, keep blessing.  ...keep asking for His blessing on this friend's life.  And, though it isn't easy.
It is good.  It is very good.

To forgive.

His enough is enough

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I read the news.  I hear the stories from a friend.  I read that email.  I hear about this conversation.  And, see that picture.  I wonder after his health, her heart, his marriage, her walk with the Lord.  And, my heart can become heavy---filled with concern.

...In this world pain, sin, sickness and sorrow swirl around and within.  With uncertainty and ambiguity as normative, I need to be reminded of Truth... regularly.  And, I love tools that help remind me.

A while back, I started to  "require" myself to sit down periodically throughout the day... to sit, to be still and to worship.  I have it on my "to do" list (isn't that a bit silly?)  I put it there to "check off" each day--- did I sit and worship today?  Did I stop and find the quiet today?  I attempt this most days and it has become a sweet rhythm-of-quiet to a full, and sometimes, loud life.

One tool I have been using during one of my daily "sits" has been the beautiful worship moments created by Pray as You Go.org...  you really must visit and have a listen.

Today, the song used leading into worship was Bach's Cantada 82.  The words sung are "Ich habe genug"... Translated:  I have enough.

I have enough.  My cup runs over...  

Taken from the story of Simeon in the gospel of Luke, the words of this Canatada speak of a soul that is at rest in God.  They remind us that in Him we have enough.  He is our enough.  When we have taken Jesus within and walk in His love, we have enough.

Enough.

Each day the struggle begins with the feelings of "not enough".  Do you ever feel it?!

 ...not enough sleep.  ...not enough time.  ...not enough energy.  ....not enough strength or not enough faith or fun or clothes.  ..."not enough" is the continual cry of our day.   "Not enough" is the mantra and the music that plays amidst the pain and sorrow and busyness of our world.  But, it isn't Truth.  

Today, I am reminded of Truth.  He is enough.  The Lord is my shepherd and I have all I need.  All that I need.  I have enough.  My eyes are lifted, my heart is resting.  

Bach's Cantada 82:
I have enough,
I have taken the Savior, the hope of the righteous,
into my eager arms;
I have enough!

I have beheld Him,
my faith has pressed Jesus to my heart;
now I wish, even today with joy to depart from here.

I have enough
My comfort is this alone,
that Jesus might be mine and I His own.
In faith I hold Him,
there I see, along with Simeon,
already the joy of the other life.

I have enough.

Tomato plants and me

I brought my seedling tomato plants home only a few weeks back.  I was very excited to venture into this brand new gardening experience and I have tenderly cared for my three plants.

Watering.  Feeding.  Supporting. Watching.  Waiting.

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It is almost silly how animated I have been when I see them grow, bud and thrive.   An inch taller and I celebrate!  They have a long way to go until they produce a harvest; but, I have every hope they will!   They aren't done growing yet.  But, I don't find myself frustrated with this... I find myself enjoying the growth.  Watching.  Anticipating.  Waiting.

On the contrary, I find myself utterly frustrated sometimes with the slowness of my personal growth...

Why am I not done yet?

As if I can just see beyond me:  I know what I could be, who I could become, Who He has made me to be--- and yet it is frustratingly out of my reach.  Beauty beyond my grasp---far down the path ahead.  

Andrew Murray reminds me that humility is not something you possess.  Instead, humility is something you become.  Even the title of Murray's book says it all, "Humility:  The Journey Toward Holiness".

A journey toward.  A moving forward.  A becoming.  And, so it goes for love, faithfulness, selflessness, gentleness, patience, and joy.  ...a becoming.

There aren't any  "10-easy-steps" to be found here, to be sure.

But, I want to be done.  I want to be complete and whole.  And, I want to be perfect.  What is it in me that longs so for perfection?

While snuggled into his gentle embrace, I asked my husband tonight, "I have asked Him (the Holy Spirit) to come in and take over!  I have surrendered.  I want Him to fill me and take over.  Why hasn't He, yet!? Why hasn't He taken over me."

He responded tenderly, "He isn't done because He doesn't want to take you over.  He wants to make you.  He wants you to be you--- the very best version of you, Stephanie.  And, that takes time."

Ah... humility isn't something I can get or possess.  I can't not have it one day and then just get it the next day--a done deal or snap of the finger.  It is something I become.

Becoming...

And, becoming takes time.

When I bought my tomato plants, they were in fact tomato plants.  Although you wouldn't know it from the size, the leaves, or the look... they were indeed tomato plants.  Or, at least, they were the raw material for the making of truly proper tomato plants.  And, now they are becoming ---not yet there---becoming budding, thriving tomato plants.  And, sometime soon, I hope, we shall actually see and enjoy tomatoes.  Then, they will be.

Can I allow myself the same journey toward becoming the best version of myself--- fruitful and thriving---the beauty God intended me to be?  Maybe someday soon we shall actually see and enjoy some humility--- I am hopeful!  And, in the meantime, I need to water and feed, support and wait...  watching.  Hoping...

Painful squabbling

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When I hear them squabble... which they (indeed!) do from time-to-time...it grieves my heart.  Brother and sister.  They pick at each other and poke and bite.  It is painful.

It is painful to listen to them fight, to argue, or to be unkind.

In their words and their actions, I see so clearly the pride and self-centered-ness that plagues our human race.  In their tones and in the tenor of their voices, I hear so clearly the yuck that mucks my own heart.  Ugliness.  Stink.

"Did you hear the way you just spoke to your sister?" I ask of my son.

Why is it so hard, Lord to be kind.  I struggle, too.

I read in His Word about loving genuinely and preferring others above myself.  I read that we are to put on love, grace and humility. I read "as much as depends on you, live at peace with all men." (Romans 12:18)

And, I read Jesus' invitation to come to Him to learn about humility and gentleness. (Matthew 11:29)

And, I realize, again---it is something we need to learn.  I need to learn.  Simply put, it doesn't come naturally.  Both of my sweet kids came out of the womb feeling that they were the center of the universe and not wanting to share or to prefer others.  They didn't want to share their toys, their space or their mother!  And, yet, they can learn.  They are learning.

And, so am I.  ...slowly.

"Did you hear the way you spoke to your husband, Stephanie?"  the Spirit of God whispers to my heart.

Why is it so hard, Lord to be kind and gentle?  

I wonder how He feels when He hears me squabble... even when it is only in my mind... with my brother or my sister?  Does it grieve Him or pain Him as it pains me to hear my children?

How good and pleasant it is when they dwell in unity!!  (Psalm 13:1)  When His children are living in unity, in love and in genuine affection for each other--- it smells good to our Father, "like precious oil running down Aaron's beard".

Teach us, Jesus to live in unity and to be humble.  Lead us into all truth, Spirit of God.  Father, guard us from the evil one and make us one, just as You are one with the Son.  We have so much to learn!  I have so much to learn!  

"Hope and faith will both come to an end when we die.  But love will remain.  Love is eternal.  Love comes from God and returns to God.  When we die, we will lose everything that life gave us except love.  The love with which we lived our lives is the life of God within us.  It is the divine, indestructible core of our being.  This  love not only will remain but will also bear fruit from generation to generation"  -Henri Nouwen, The Wounded Healer

Just One Drop

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His love is never ending.  His compassions they fail not.  His mercy is new every morning.  And, His faithfulness reaches to the sky.

His blessings flow like a river... an ocean flood... into my life!

Rejoice with me!!!  I just finished counting to 1,000 this week!  Joining others at A Holy Experience, I took the challenge to count my blessings.  On a simple spiral bound notebook (now stained and dirty from wear), I logged 1,000 grace-gifts from God!

I am well aware, now that I have reached #1,000, that my list is only a drop in the bucket.  I have only counted a small bit, just a drop, of His endless goodness, grace and blessings to me and to His world!

The drop splashed with these final blessings:

#980.  Cancelled events.  ...grace gifts for a quieter day.

982.  Our lovely hot fireplace on this very cold day.

984.  They still want to snuggle their mommy.

985.  The library.

986.  Spontaneous worship in the kitchen with my kids while cleaning dishes.

987.  Early morning shower.

988.  A deep, sweet , heart talk with my girl.

989.  Emails from my man... missing him much.

990.  Fall beauty, red climbing and orange falling.

991.  Waiting.  Waiting.  Space in my day to wait.

992.  A good price on milk.  I love a bargain!

993.  Kept awake much of the night in order to pray.

994.  There is nothin' like the taste of fried food! Chimichangas!

995.  Touches of His endless love--- moments of sweet closeness.

996.  Pinks, oranges, yellow of sunrise.

998.  A compliment.

999.  Seeing his face on Skype.

#1,000.  His abundance of gifts--- poured out day after day.  I could never count them all!

Just a sweet, thirst quenching, beautiful big drop in the bucket!

If you want to join the hunt, go and visit Ann's blog at www.aholyexperience.com or read her One Thousand Gifts!

Still Counting!!

It has been a while since I have posted my "counting" list. Taking the beautiful challenge put forth in Ann Voskamp's book, One Thousand Gifts, I began counting my way to 1,000 gifts of grace. It has been such a wonderful blessing in my life!

So, here goes a portion of my recent list...

806. Sweet words from my dad

807. "His hand" picture in my mind's eye.

810. Memorizing together.

811. Sweet servant's attitudes seen in my kids.

812. Singing while working.

813. Her voice, beautiful and clear.

816. They liked my cookies!

819. Love developing as we pray together.

826. What does it mean to love God, Mommy?

829. New friends baking together in my kitchen.

830. Brisk walk on a cool morning.

833. Morning hugs from my boy.

834. Photos to help me remember happy moments.

835. He is writing from his heart.

837. Writing is welling up from within him, my man!

838. Deeper still, Stephanie.

839. The blessing of hearing hearts over skype.

840. That clean, just bathed, smell of my boy!

841. Her mature response to our conflict.

843. She is hearing from God!!

848. Loving conviction from a gentle Father.

850. Watching my son give his sister the biggest piece.

I am counting along side many others in worship! If you want to join us or just peek at other's lists: www.aholyexperience.com

Lots of sin today!

In a conversation about God's faithful forgiveness, my daughter said to me, "I sinned so much yesterday!"

Oh! Sweet girl.

My response... "You sin so much everyday, sweet girl. And, so do I!"

And, thus the amazing beauty of God's grace and forgiveness. New, fresh mercy each morning is what He offers us!!

Doesn't it feel sometimes like some days are "more full of sin" than others? Or, when we sin "big-time", we feel out of sync or out of peace with God. ...as it should be.

Certainly, there are days when our hearts are more prone to wander and our rebellion is stronger. These days we are not only "missing the mark", but rebelling against God's known will. And, this is deep and ugly. These are ugly days, Yes.

But, the reality is that each day---every day---my heart and will are full of sin, and old-man tendencies. Every day I sin a lot!

And, thus, I need God's daily grace. When I see this as true about myself, then I can walk on the only sure foundation... His love, His faithfulness, His righteousness and His mercy. When I know this AND receive this fresh mercy daily, then I know Who He is and Who I am because of Him. Forgiven. Graced. Loved. Blessed.

"All is grace", Ann Voskamp says. And, I agree with her. ALL. Every day. Every good and perfect thing... grace. And, so I give thanks today for that All, Everyday Grace:

...and join the many others making "thankfulness" and grace-filled lists at www.aholyexperience.com. I am counting my way to 1,000 grace gifts!

#516. Tender moments

#517. Confessed sin.

#518. Fried egg made for me by my 9 year old son.

#519. Reading the Word together as a family.

#520. Remembering Who He is and Who I am in Him.

#521. He confesses to me, I forgive.

#522. I confess sin to him, and he forgives.

#522. Open mouths, head back, loud laughter.

#527. Newly planted plum and apple tree

#534. A brightly painted family mural.

#536. A quiet walk.

#539. Second chances.

#545. Tasks done, lists checked off!

#549. Kissing dots!!... (the freckles on my son's face)

#552. A week of BBQ meat, chicken and fish. THAT is a holiday!

#525. Prayer with my man.

#527. Scratching their sweet backs. ...more, mommy, they whisper.

#539. A 4 day old foal.

#544. The Sound of Music. ...and singin' along.

#558-563. The ability to work. And, write. And, sing. And, dance. And, see. And, hear.

All is grace. He is grace and love. In Him I have my everything!

Sleeping Bees and Kitchen Waltz

"Who taught the sun where to stand in the morning? And, who told the ocean, you can only come this far? And, Who showed the moon where to hide till evening? Whose words alone can catch a falling star? I know my Redeemer lives! All of creation testifies and this life within me cries, 'My Redeemer Lives'."~Nicole C. Mullen.

Still looking and watching for all His gifts, His graces, His blessings. Still remembering and counting.

#332. Watching His people sing about Him.

#335. Clean bathrooms!

#337. Warm shower, with good water pressure.

#339. Smiles and giggles on my girls face while she listens to Little Women on her iPod.

#343. Ibuprofen and Tylenol

#345. A fun family game of monopoly

#346. Seeing my son loose the game with grace.

#349. Impromptu "dance and lip sync" performance in our living room.

#350. Math problem conquered!

#352. His sweet breath on my cheek as he sleeps, in bed from a scary dream.

#353. He can still come to my bed when he has a bad dream.

#355. Rain drops sit still on the grass, like beads fallen from a necklace.

#361. Hide and seek sun.

#363. A sleeping bee? Do bees sleep? ...I guess they do. Cuz he just woke up!

#378. Music that prays for me.

#382. My warm boots.

#393. Finishing a good book.

#394. Starting a good book.

#408. Who I am because of Who He is.

#414. A sweet kitchen dance initiated by my husband while cleaning the kitchen.

All creation testifies... and this Life in me cries, "My Redeemer Lives!"

I am sharing my list on Mondays with a bunch of others... to read other lists or join the adventure, go www.aholyexperience.com

Heavy Sin Instructs

The heaviness of my sin weighs on me today.

As I laid in bed last night and thought through the day... my judgemental thoughts, my selfish ways, my pride. I pondered, as well, the words spoken that hurt my son. And, I grimaced ... literally blushed in embarrassment at my own sin ... as I thought about my gluttonous rampage through the bag of pretzels. Was I just trying to comfort my tired mind and body? Oh! those tired-temptations! It would be wise to ask for His special help in those moments. If I would only learn!

I laid in bed and watched, like a movie, the sin that filled my day.

"I will bless the Lord who guides me; even at night, my heart instructs me." Psalm 16:7

The heaviness of my sin weighed last night. It instructed me. He guided me on my bed last night. And, it was painful.

Yesterday working through a study for Lent, I read about the cross. The study asked me to contemplate the cross and ponder the difficulty. I was to think on what Jesus might have experienced. Yesterday as I prayed, I was drawn to think on His loneliness. What isolation He might have felt? ... I wondered and prayed.

Today, with a heavy heart, I remained in "Day 1" Lent lesson... it wasn't time yet to move on. I knew I needed to contemplate the cross again. The question still lingered. There was more to remember. ...more to wonder about.

Today, I thought of my sin. I thought of my sin yesterday and my sins of the past. And, I thought about the sin of the world resting on my Brother's soul... my Jesus' body, His mind, His very-self carrying those sins. With tears, it wasn't hard to imagine my Savior wincing and saying, "My soul is overwhelmed to the point of death!".

And, I wondered if the carrying of sins alone would have killed him without the cross. Would that grief broken his heart and brought death without the nails?

Tears came this morning. Replacing yesterday's dry eyes, I contemplate and cried. My heart was wounded this morning. I wept and deeply repented. I feel the grief even now as I write.

And, maybe this is what Lent really is all about. Maybe I finally "get it" or maybe I am getting closer to getting it. I don't know.

There are times in life when you keenly, not just intellectually, but keenly become aware of that you know VERY little. This is one of those moments. I know very little about what Jesus did for me that day. I know very little about that grace... that amazing grace that saved this wretch. I know very little about His new, daily, fresh mercy. Today, I realize how little I know.

And, I also am aware of how desperately I want to know more. I want to know Him more, ... His suffering, His forgiveness, His grace, His love and His mercy.

The concept that I don't have to walk weighed down, is a sweet-sweet thought today. I can carry His yoke and His burden is light. He has taken this heaviness. He bore this sin, ...this darkness that lingers in my not-yet-fully-sanctified heart. This sweet grace is good new for me today.

Did I just become a Christian today? Was I just now saved? ...does it ever feel that way to you?So fresh, so new, so beyond what you "knew" yesterday. Today IS the day of salvation. Thank you, my Friend. Thank you, my Brother! Thank you, dear Jesus.

Same theme different dream

Cars speeding past me, honking and headlights flashing. Noise. Confusion. A near miss as I sit unsheltered and facing the wrong way on the road.

I awoke with a heavy heart. Again I found myself in the same, but different, dream. This theme! A theme that is following me into my sleep. In this version, on this night, I was trying to drive somewhere and kept getting lost. I couldn't find my way. I knew I was getting close and then I would make a wrong turn. I kept finding myself driving even on the wrong side of the road with traffic horns screaming at me as oncoming cars avoid my wayward vehicle.

Am I "off" somewhere, Lord? Am I wayward? As I sat before the Lord and brought Him this dream and the heaviness that accompanied it, I felt a tenderness in His Presence that was unmistakable. I sensed Him speaking again to me through the passage in Mark 8. But, this time the emphasis of the passage was not the "bread" or the earthy distractions. He was reminding me in a whisper of His Word, what He wanted to tell the disciples that day, "Be careful. Watch out for the yeast of the Pharisees" (v. 15) Be careful, Stephanie. The yeast of the Pharisees is strong.

In my attempt, my strong desire, my passion for perfection and holiness I, too, can so often and so easily become a Pharisee. I can measure, like the best of them. And, keep track. And, make rules. And, punish and self-punish... just like the Pharisees. I can hide darkness on the inside with a whitewash on the out. I can give a burden to a friend instead of lifting the load. I can judge and calculate. I can "figure" and plan, like the best Pharisee.

In my struggle against sin, my personal sin. ...a wandering heart, a harsh word, a rude thought, an indulgent dive into food, a judgmental thought... In my struggle against personal sin, I can tend to punish myself and then start to "make rules".

I begin to write my very own "Talmud" and concoct my own interpretations and law...

I think the motivation is love. I think my motivation is a desire to be closer to the Father and "more like Christ"; and yet, in reality I find myself slightly lost, wayward and missing the mark... much like the misplaced car. Trying so hard to get to holiness and purity, I have lost my way. The law does not save. Simple as that. And, certainly, my own personal "laws" don't save either.

I must surrender. I must depend. I must release and fall. I must be raised only by Christ and cling to His cross. I must run to the gospel for strength and transformation. This is where I will find true freedom, I know. I must nail my laws, my plans, my "Talmud" to this cross. And, then I must stand in and on grace alone.

Grace alone. His righteousness alone. If I am to boast about anything, let it be in Christ alone. This is the road. This is the way.

Face Down

The ark of God is stolen and placed in the temple of Dagon (1 Samuel 5). The next morning the theives came into the temple and found a shocking surprise.

"When the people of Ashdod rose early the next day, there was Dagon, fallen on his face on the ground before the ark of the Lord! They took Dagon and put him back in his place. But the following morning whenthey rose, there was Dagon, fallen on his face on the ground before the ark of the Lord! His head and hands had been broken off and were lying on the threshold; only his body remained."

If I had to pick a favorite story from the Old Testament, this would be in the top 5!

Imagine the scene. They walk in for morning worship time and find their marble god face down before the Ark. (oops... uh, you okay, god??) Then, they take their god and put him back up! And, then, the next morning they come in and find their god on his face again--- but this time with his limbs torn off. (hmm... god, you doing alright there?!)

This was the passage the Lord brought to mind the other morning. And, just to be clear, He wasn't speaking to my heart about another person. He was speaking to me about me... and my god. Ouch.

For weeks now, I have been asking the Father to wean me from this earth. What I meant by the prayer was, ...wean me from sin, Lord. Wean me from temptation and the things of this world that lead me away from You. This was the prayer of my heart. I realized this week that He is answering this prayer... but not, exactly, as I have been asking. He hasn't weaned me from this earth and the temptations. I am still tempted. I am still fleshly. I am still prone to wander. No apparent change there!

What He is weaning me from... or working to wean me from... is my god, my mini-Dagon. It all became clear to me when I was "randomly" reminded of this story. I have a "god" too and I prop it back up, time and time (and time) again. I put it's head on and glue it's legs on. And, it just can't stand in the Presence of God any longer. I come to worship and it must fall face down. It just must surrender.

My god is self. Or, should I call it self-reliance. Self-discipline (that sounds nicer). Self-assurance and self-righteousness. Coping mechanisms and skills I learned young "to survive"... skills that allow me to do most anything I put my mind to, to "be okay" and make it through any situation, to be perfect (or to show forth perfection and avoid weakness)... they all seem to be failing me these days. They are falling face down and loosing limbs!! No, more, Stephanie... my Father seems to be whispering. No more.

As trite and common as it might sound, still, deep within me there is such a pull to earn my way to God. We all have heard it... so, so, so many times. The preacher says, "We can't earn our salvation! It is grace alone." We nod our heads... Yes, Yes! we say with agreement. And, yet...

Somewhere inside I still rely on those acts of discipline, those prayers, those "times with God", that ability to say no to the temptation, that generous service, that self-control, that kind word said about me... as my "okay-ness". I rely on myself. No more, Stephanie.

Sunday I was showered with messages of His love, His unfailing mercy, and His faithfulness. Today I was bombarded with His words of truth... "it is by grace you have been saved, through faith, and it's not from yourself. It is a gift of God" and, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."
Weakness. In weakness, Stephanie.

This most certainly isn't the first time Father has dealt hard with this god. Like the Israelites before me, who kept going back to Baal... over and over again, this is a lesson of years. This isn't new. But, my God is faithful to complete what He has started in me 20 years ago. He began that good work and today He is still hammerin' away--- amputating arms, legs and the head of my god.

This idol of self needs to die. She needs to fall face down before the Presence of God. May I not prop her up again. May I truly learn to rely on Him alone--- His strength, His grace, His mercy, His goodness and His faithfulness alone. Oh Father, continue to wean me from this earth.

Feigned Repentance

Our puppy is now a bit over 3 months old and has already learned to pretend to repent. Do we, as humans, learn this as fast? She has learned and clearly knows that when the back door opens, she is to sit, stay and not bolt inside. We have practiced this, trained toward this and punished her when she has not complied. With both positive and negative reinforcement, this has been a daily training for the past 2 months. Daily we have worked on this and 9 times out of 10 she obeys the rule. She has shown that she knows what to do by generally obeying the clear rule: door opens... I sit, I stay and I get a treat and a "good girl". It has worked.

Generally, when she is punished (a stern "no" or a loud sound), she bends her head and starts to roll into a submissive position. This is normal dog behaviour and a good sign. It is quite cute, actually and we all want to smile and lavish love on this repentant sight. But, today it was less amusing when she took the lowered-head position, tilted as if to fall into the submissive state and then with strong perseverance (and still in the "half-submissive-position" pushed her way through the door). It was as if she was saying, "Yes, I know I am not supposed to do this... I know I am making a bad choice... but, I really must. I have to. I just can't help myself." But, she says with her actions, "see, do you see... I am submitting" (and rebelling at the same time!??)." Of course, her submission wasn't even close to real submission. It was a strangely human-like rebellion. Her actions clearly stated, "I will pretend here that I am obeying; but, really, I am making my way and doing what I want to do. But, look at me... I am a good girl-- I am so very sorry as I do it!"

Doesn't it sound like the good-'ol phrase, "better to ask for forgiveness than permission".

Feigned repentance. It is quite a sad and pitiful thing to watch. For our puppy put herself in a submissive pose, but actually was rebelling with purposefulness. We humans might say, "Yes, I am sitting down; but, I am standing up on the inside." Oh! How we have perfected the art of feigned repentance.

Repentance means that you see the wrong and turn from it. Any movement toward the sin, or the disobedience negates all real, genuine repentance. This is true of our pup and very true of me. How often do I say "I am sorry" to my husband, but hold within somewhere an "buy really this is why I had to say this to you" feeling in my depths. "I really have the right to be angry like this, I think to myself... but on the outside I am apologizing for my rude behaviour or angry outburst.

We bow our heads, say our "sorry" and persevere forward in our own way... whether it be thought or deed.

When I know what I ought to do and do not do it... when I know what I ought not do and yet do it--- all somewhere deep within trusting, or assuming, or presuming upon the grace of God. This is a pitiful sight. Like my sweet pup who bows her head in repentance as she disobeys with gusto...

Lord, may I feel the weight of my sin and know Your thoughts about my deeds, my heart and my thoughts. May I have true repentance and turn from my sin. May my submission be genuine and my I be aware of my rebellious ways.