My Ballast

After a whirlwind, messy, upsetting dream filled with too many faces, too many needs, so many things to do and all while needing a shower and in my pyjamas for all to see... dreams are a funny things...  I woke up in a rough state of mind.  

Heart pounding, heavy laden and a hot mess...  I made my way down to my 'quiet time' space in the early morning hours.  As usual, I started my time by opening and playing "Pray as You Go".  Barely listening, the cob webs of faces and mouths that needed feeding began to clear away from my mind...  The dream waves began to slowly subside.  But, still, I began to think about the worries----the 'shoulds' and 'musts' and 'oughts'--- that had been pulling at me the past days.  Obviously, this dream was a good picture of the tugging of needs and my inability and struggle to get it all done.  

As my mind was tossed about by the litany of concern, I could feel my irritation and frustration mounting.  'Just leave me alone' was the feeling (is there one word for this 'feeling')!  I could feel my heart lament and the complaining beginning to rise.  Lord, I can't make everyone happy!  Father, I can't hold it all or feed them all or make them all right.  Maybe like my dear compatriot Elijah, I was basically saying... "I've had enough, Lord.  I am all alone here and these expectations just wanna kill me!" (big-time paraphrase from 1 Kings 19)  

Psalms of complaint and lament were welling up in my heart and waves were beginning to crash again 

...and then... in the background, the lovely voice on the Pray as You Go (oh! yeah... it had been playing the whole time while I ignored it) says, "If there is something that is a concern or a weight, maybe you want to ask the Holy Spirit to give you a different perspective".

A different perspective.  

Stephanie, can you ask Me for My perspective?  

Yes, Lord, I want Your perspective...  Please show me what is true and how to see this differently.  

Instantly, as I prayed, I could feel a slight shift.  One bite of manna and I was fed.  He answered and I was seeing just a bit differently.  It was like light shaft opened over my heart and brain and there was more balance and calm.  I was able to see the 'shoulds' that had been annoying me in a totally different light.  I began to see differently.   It was today's miracle!  

It was like my boat was thrown off kilter and the Holy Spirit was the ballast that brought me stability and centered me.   When I asked, He balanced me.  What a gift.  (Ballast is material that is used to provide stability to a boat.  Insufficiently ballasted boats tend to tip or heel excessively in high winds.)

On the heels of seeing a bit more clearly, I had two thoughts... 

   

First, how does anyone live life without the gift of God's Spirit bringing truth to their minds and hearts?  What a gift, Lord! 

And, then the second thought, ...oh! oh, man! I live my life all the time without the gift of God's Spirit bringing truth!  How often do I bounce around my day in a hot mess and heavy laden?  Lord, I need to do this even more!

Lord, help me to ask You for help more often.  Father, help me to abide in Your love, Your Presence and the gift of Your truth.  Spirit of God, thank you that you long to 'right me' and be my ballast.  I want to ask You more.  Teach me to pray!  

He offers us Himself as our ballast.  He offers Himself as my moment-by-moment answer to any whirlwind or hot mess I find myself in---awake or asleep.    

Buzzin Brain

Does your brain ever buzz with busy thoughts and details?  

My brain has been on super-charge this week...  as my youngest made his decision to fly further afield and pursue his master's degree in a different country.  Exciting!  So exciting.  Yes, and a bit maddening... the details, O the details!   

He doesn't need our help, of course.  But, we want to contribute and provide companionship in this big move!  So... this mamma-heart considers everything from transportation to toilet paper,  his housing and our hotel, transportation and taxes,  beds and banking, and...  well, a host of other things that need to happen as we go.  

With buzzing comes worry.  Or, with me, it does.  There is very little calm when my brain is a buzzin'.  

This morning, coming to God and His word, I was touched so gently by a passage in Matthew.   In Matthew 14 Jesus miraculously feeds 5,000 men.  In Matthew 15, the disciples witness Him feed 4,000 men.  Then in Matthew 16: 5-12, the disciples think Jesus is upset with them because they forgot to bring bread with them on their journey.  Jesus says,  

"You of little faith, why are you talking among yourselves about having no bread? Do you still not understand? Don’t you remember the five loaves for the five thousand, and how many basketfuls you gathered? Or the seven loaves for the four thousand, and how many basketfuls you gathered? How is it you don’t understand that I was not talking to you about bread?"

In short, ...Jesus says...  How are we really still talking about bread!?   He reminds them that they have just seen two massive miracles where 9,000 men (plus!) were given enough bread AND left-overs.  

...for Jesus bread is really, really not a problem! 

My heart was so stirred by this passage...  And, I sensed a loving rebuke.  A tender hearted... You-of-little-faith-moment.  Stephanie, are we really still talking and worrying about bread? Do you still not understand?  Just tell me what you need and let's move on.  This is not hard for Me!  

How often God tells His people "Do not forget!"... and O! how often we forget!  Right!?  

My life has been filled with an abundance of transportation and toilet paper miracles.  He has provided for me over and over again.  Houses, hotels, refrigerators and rental cars.  In fact, in one of my very first posts here on Koodaigirl...  Microwaves on a Thousand Hills I wrote about the abundance of sheets---bed sheets and cookie sheets and the microwave that just showed up at our door.  Oh!  How easily I forget.  I am only slightly embarrassed that this was 2009 and here I am, learning the same lessons.  

So, today, when the details come lashing against my peace-filled brain... I choose to remember.  In fact, you might just overhear me walking around the house saying, "I have seen Him feed 9,000 mouths!" to remind myself.  

We can choose to remember.  

I choose to remember today and "forget not all His benefits"  (Psalm 103).   These moments of remember may just keep this buzzin' brain at bay.  

Sabbatical Reflections: Words on a Page #4 "Introverts Cry"

 

Introverts Cry

Will I ever be able to go back?

My energy for others seems to have left. 

Will it ever return?

Weeks go by...

Will months pass, and I still feel the same way?

The desperate need to be alone. 

...to go away...

The cry of my heart for true quiet.

True solitude.

Why after so many days, so many hours, do I feel so exhausted?

Pushed.

Pulled.

Maybe I will never be able to go back.  

Written May 2020

Stop the Madness

I can get pretty locked up in my head.  My thoughts can be so busy, random, critical, and full-on.  Through the years, I have become more and more aware of this buzzing reality that can be my brain...  awareness has been key to freedom from it, for sure.

But, even attentiveness and practicing God's Presence, doesn't always stop the madness.  I can go from peaceful knowledge of God's now Presence and, in the blink of an eye, I find myself lost again in the fast paced brain buzzing.  Before I know it, I am locked in a cycle of hurried thinking--- way too much thinking and very unproductively.

I find that there are different ways or kinds of thought.  This cycle of buzzing is not helpful, it is harmful thought.  These busy, burdened and even berating thoughts are unproductive thinking.  They feel more like chaos than order.  They are filled with lies and falsehood instead of truth.  And, often they cause anxiety, as opposed to peace.  The enemies of my soul play a huge part in this battle---  the adversary and my flesh--- fighting against the love, joy, peace and patience of the Spirit.

I found myself in this very cycle this week.  It doesn't really matter the topic or topics of thought--- it is just that my mind is bursting with unproductive and busy thoughts.  Like Martha of old, I am "worried about a great many things". 

Psalm 84 caught my attention on Wednesday...  the whole of the Psalm.  But, also one particular phrase jumped at me with clarity.  "whose hearts are set on a pilgrimage...they go from strength to strength" (Psalm 84:5-7).  The Psalmists are talking about the Presence of God.  They are rejoicing in their experience of dwelling with Him--- or in Him, His temple. 

In this Psalm, the Sons of Korah, are sharing about the blessedness ('esher'=happiness) that is with those who remain and abide in God.  We know that, as His people, we are now His temple.  He dwells within us through His Spirit!  We, then, have this happiness always available to us.  We can abide in His love.  Always!

With the phrase "whose heart is set on pilgrimage" the Lord seemed to be reminding me that the direction I was pointed was important.  A pilgrim is going somewhere.  She is pointed in a very clear direction, with purpose in their journey.  I could feel the gentle rebuke of God's heart...  Where or to Whom is your heart, your mind and your soul pointed, Stephanie?  Where is your mind headed?  

In most cases, when my mind is buzzing with unproductive and unhelpful thought, I am most definitely pointed inward.  I am looking at me...  either in the negative, the positive, or just the practical... my eyes are downward or inward.  If I am not inwardly focused, I am focused just on my immediate earthly reality:  the very same "many things" that Martha was buzzing about.  I am headed in a circular race to get the next thing done, to fix this or that, only to start over again to fix the next thing and do this or figure out that.  It is a rat race in my head.  My own personal torture device!

The old adage comes to mind:  "Worry is like a rocking chair.  You move but go nowhere."

It is good to look up and out.  It is very good to stop--- to Sabbath ("to cease")---and look at Him.   It is not only good, it is essential and life giving.  I must stop the madness.  Just cease.  Just cease, sit, and ask myself, prayerfully, "What do you actually think?! What is true?"  In response to this question, I wrote in my journal today: I think and know He is---  and then followed it with all that He is---all that is True about my amazing God and Savior.

He is righteous.  He is good.  He is loving.  He is faithful.  He is covenant and steadfast.  He is wise.  He is aware.  He sees.  He knows.  He loves.  He judges rightly.  ... the list went on and on.

When I get locked in the hurried and heavy thinking of my running mind, this productive truth-thinking stabilizes me.  His truth---who He is, and who I am because of Him--- is an anchor for my soul and most definitely for my mind.  I can feel the order and equilibrium immediately.  This is indeed my "one needful thing" (Luke 10:42).  Every day.  Every moment of every day.

"You will keep in perfect peace all whose thoughts are fixed on You!" (Isaiah 26:3)

Advent Needed Today

Last night it was at 2 am.  Sometimes it comes in the quiet of the morning... or maybe it comes into the stillness found when I am chopping vegetables for dinner.  Worry.

Worry comes.  Unbidden.  Unwelcome.  But, it comes and I find myself fighting for breath and truth---searching for a solid rock for my emotions to rest upon.

Worry.  Often about yesterday.  Most often about tomorrow.  The thoughts swirl around my mind and my heart.  Dizzy with what feels "real"...but, in reality isn't real at all.  It isn't now.  It's a story.  It is only a fictional piece playing in my mind:  Re-membering yesterday and fore-telling tomorrow.  What might have been?  What I should have done.  What I did wrong?  Will I have enough?  What might come?  What could be the end of this story line?  What if?

Last night it came at 2 am.

The darkness and loneliness of night makes the battle evermore fierce sometimes, doesn't it?

Truth fought hard at the corners and edge of my mind last night.  Do not worry.   Do not be afraid.  Do not be anxious about anything.  I heard the whispers.  But, these words felt so far off.  He felt so far off.

Lord, why is it so hard sometimes for me to take this in?  Why can I not live in this freedom that you offer and bought for me?  

Lessons long learned.  Lessons taught and written about here.  Freedom found.  And, so easily lost... again.  I believe.  Help me with my unbelief!

Morning came.  It always does.  Oh, my Dayspring!  "...through the tender mercy of God, whereby the dayspring from on high hast visited us, to give light to them that sit in the darkness..."  (Luke 1:76-79)

His faithfulness found me here again.  This morning I came.  I sat and waited.  I listened to His Word.  I asked.  Today, a fresh day.  A day to stand on His Truth and He, Himself, as the rock that can steady my heart.  His hold ever secure in midst of the fictional flood that overwhelmed me last night.

He came.  Today, He came.  My Dayspring.  My love.

Love comes.

Truth comes.  Light floods.  Welcomed.  Asked for.  ...hoped for.  The coming.  The Advent again this morning.  Fresh coming.  His whispers---ever steadfast---won and pushed through this morning.  No longer at the edge, His Presence filled.

Advent means the arrival.  The coming.  The rising.  The dawning.  My Advent, my Jesus!  Oh how this heart needs Your coming each and every day.


photo source

The Loaves

"Fraud alert!" is never a good email subject line.  Right?

Usually these alerts amount to nothing.  Something I did has triggered the credit card or bank alert system. But, not yesterday.  

Yesterday 1,000 dollars was taken from my bank account.  After seeing the alert, I logged into our bank and my savings account sat there staring at me with 0.08 cents as it's balance.  Black and white.  8 cents. The money was gone!   

In the following micro seconds, while staring at the 8 cents,  I had a fervent stream of  deep fear and worry.... my daughter's help for college, travel to my brother's wedding this summer, the car breaks...  AH!  How?!  NO!?!  

And then almost immediately the phrase came into my mind... understand and remember the loaves...

Quiet and whispered...  remember the loaves, Stephanie.  

The phrase floated over my consciousness, as I sat staring at my empty bank account, and I could feel a peaceful invitation.  Actually, maybe a smiling, happy invitation:  Come in... You need never be afraid.  You can be unmoved.  You actually can trust Me right now, too.  

Recently, my son and I have been discussing this "loaves" phrase from Matthew 6: 50-52 " Take courage!  It is I.  Do not be afraid.  Then He climbed into the boat with them and the wind died down.  They were completely amazed, for they had not understood about the loaves; their hearts were hard"

Directly after watching Jesus feed five thousand people, the disciples get into a boat and get caught in rocky, difficult weather and water.  They are afraid.  Jesus walks to them on the water and that freaks-them-out maybe more!  The minute He gets in the boat, the water calms.  This surprised and shocked them, too.  What?  Jesus can do miracles?  What?  He can walk on water?  ...and in His presence, the wind dies down?!  It is almost as if this was the first time they had seen Him do miracles.  But it wasn't!! They had already seen so much.  In fact, He had JUST fed five thousand mouths in front of their eyes.  (with twelve left over baskets of fish and loaves, I might add!) 

But, their hearts were hard and they hadn't taken it in.  They hadn't understood.  They weren't remembering.  They were walking into this new situation---rough, tough seas and the ghost of Jesus--- and they were not translating His previous work to their difficult-now.  

How often do I do this?  How often do I forget?  

Oh! How many thousands of loaves has He given me and others I love!?!  Oh... how many answered prayers has He heard and answered.  He has lavished His very Self on and in me.  Years and years of fresh, daily miracles:  His power shown forth in food and the elements.  In the midst of difficult and the hard He has been present.    

In that early morning moment in front of my empty bank account, I stopped.  I hear you, Lord.  Almost with a slight giggle myself, I said out loud:  I understand the loaves, Lord!  I will remember and not harden my heart.   And, I left it.  ...not physically, of course.  There are phone calls and emails to be written---follow-up needed.  But, I left it emotionally.   I really left it.  

The whole day I left it.  Because of the time zone issue, there was nothing to be done till evening.  But, I dropped it and moved on in my day with peace and joy.  

With the trust, there was an implicit assumption and understanding that it may mean the money was gone for good, never to be recovered.  Sometimes God says, "No" to our requests.  He doesn't always give us physical loaves, to be sure.  Jesus never promises that the boat isn't going to rock!! 

If the money is gone for good...  Jesus, You've got this and You are with me!  

If it can be recovered... Jesus, You've got this and You are with me!  

I need never worry.  

I do worry sometimes.  And, I do harden my heart.  I don't always hear or respond to His peace-filled invitations.  But...  

Today, I understood the loaves.  

*In the end, the situation was sorted by the bank.  The money was returned.  There was indeed theft and apparently someone in New York had my debit card (even though I have it in hand here in the UK).  The joys of this dark and clever criminal world we live in!  But, in truth, all is well.  By the end of the day... all bread was back in the basket!  And I have plenty.    ...but, actually, in truth, I had plenty and enough when the bank account showed 0.08 cents.   

My Golden Calves

photo source

I feel a deep, gut-level cringe even as I simply read the title to Exodus 32: "The Golden Calf".  It has taken me two full days to decide "it's time" to dive in.  Every time I open up the Bible, I can feel myself wanting to hide.  This journey through the Old Testament---looking for God's heart--- has been so rich and sweet.  And, I just know, this one is going to be painful.  Exodus 32 is going to hurt.  They are going to hurt God's heart.

God had been with them.  I have just read about Him delivering them.  He has provided for them over and over.  From Exodus 24 onward, He is speaking His words and His ways for them.

And, then... the golden calf.  

When I read the section title alone, I wince and think---What?  How?!  Why?  How did they do this? How did they so quickly turn?   I feel shame for them.  Shock.  Pain.

Less than 10 words into the reading... I get my answer:  How?  Why?

"When they saw that Moses was so long in coming down..."  (Exodus 33:1)

They were impatient.  Simple, as that.  They were tired of waiting.  Impatient.  Maybe, afraid. They just couldn't wait any longer.  Waiting for Moses to bring them God's words, they grew weary...

As I read these words, I am stopped in my tracks.  Oh!  Lord, how often...  how OFTEN, I get impatient.  I get tired of waiting, too.  Praying... asking... waiting... seeking...  and, I, too, grow weary.
 
My culture doesn't lend itself to carved calves from gold.  No, we do other things when we grow tired of waiting on the Lord.   My culture has other paths...  We push harder.  We do.  We do it ourselves.  We medicate.  We think.  We dig.  We plan and organize.  We figure and research.  We buy what we think we need.  We adorn.  We eat.  We drink.  We fill our minds with more.  And/Or, we just give up--- and turn on the television and numb.  Until, we get up, push harder and plan.  Or eat. And, drink.

Oh, how we must hurt God's heart.

...God has been long in coming down and answering my prayers...  

I do get tired.  Impatient.  Afraid...  will Moses ever come down!?  Will God ever answer?  "We don't know what happened to 'that guy'", the Israelites say to Aaron.

So, Aaron... or Google...  make me a god that will take care of me.  I need something here!
I can't wait any longer.

As I sit with the Lord, confessing my impatience to Him, my mind is flooded with verse upon verse... a whisper and breath of Truth bringing light to the moment...

There is another way, Stephanie.  There is another way...  

"Wait for the Lord, be strong and take heart"  (Psalm 27: 14)

"They that wait upon the Lord shall mount up with wings as eagles." (Isaiah 40:31)

"Let us not grow weary of doing good..."  (Galatians 6:9)

"Rest in the Lord and wait patiently for Him.  Do not worry."  (Psalm 37:7)

There are things I am waiting for and asking the Lord.  Help me, Lord, to choose the way of trust.  Help me to wait for You.  You, Faithful One, have always delivered me.  You have always come through.  Help me to wait for You.  

This Disease is Killing Us

photo source

I treasure those beautiful moments when you are speaking truth to a friend and, it seems, the Holy Spirit is simultaneously nudging and whispering, "Are you listening to this?"  Like a mirror reflecting an image, your own voice bounces back and you hear yourself...  or you hear His voice in your words.

It is that very moment when the words of truth pouring out are the very water my soul needs.   Pouring out and drinking in, all at the same time.

I was speaking with a friend who was sharing her new diagnosis of a long-term illness: an illness I am very, very familiar with.*  She was sharing with me her fears and her anxieties.  Of course she is afraid!  Of course this is troubling.  It sucks!  I hear you, friend.  I hear you.

After listening and empathizing with the frustration, sadness and "suck-ness" of her situation, I heard these words slip out of my mouth, "I have had this disease for 30 years.  And, I promise you--- I promise you!--- the worry and fear, through the years, has robbed FAR more from me than the disease has ever done".  Yes, disease robs and steals.  But, worry and fear rob far more.

Worry robs more than reality.  Every time...  

Worry robs more... 

Always.  It is just the truth.

I have been reading a lot about the brain recently and we know, even scientifically, that worry is a future oriented thought process.  In order to worry, we have to be thinking of the future---not the now. Not the real, right-now reality of our lives.  Worry is the "what ifs" and "will it?" "will they?" and the "how will I?", "can I?"...  The worry isn't real.  It isn't true.  It is make believe.  Always.  Tomorrow may truly never come.  Tomorrow isn't real, or true.  Worry about tomorrow, according to brain experts, is simply a waste of important energy.  Unfortunate, unproductive (even damaging) and a wasteful firing of neurons.

(Funny how science eventually catches up with the Bible... Matthew 6:34 and James 4:13-14)

This 'make-believe' we play in our heads steals and robs from our today.  In fact, it is literally physically killing us.  When we worry and fear, our bodies release a powerful hormone; one that can throw off the balance of all our body chemistry and has detrimental affects on our health and well being when it is regularly released.  Worry is deadly.  Worry and fear steal from our minds, our bodies and our souls. They do very little to help us.  (...the occasional need to run from a bear or escape an earthquake are the rare times that we are grateful for this hormone released from worry or fear!)

I have learned through the years to stop and prayerfully ask myself two questions:  First, "what story am I telling myself?"  and, secondly,  "What is real? or What is actually true, the mere facts, right now?"

Answering these questions brings grounding.  While grounded in the now, I can connect to the real of Jesus here.   Him here today.  Now.

I am learning.  I see it.  And, I am grateful.

I don't know if my friend was able to take-in the testimony I was sharing...  "the worry and fear have robbed more than the disease".    I'm not sure it was for her that day.  I think it may have been just for me.   A good reminder.  I need not worry about tomorrow.  I need never be afraid.

I heard it, Lord.  I hear it and choose again today to trust You.

*If you are curious and would like to read more about my health, healing, and physical journey--- you can read here, here and here (and many other places on this site...)

A Buzzing Mind

photo source

My mind was whizzing and buzzing and clanking and spinning when I sat in my "quiet-time" chair.  Far from quiet, the thoughts whirling in my head reminded me of some Dr. Seuss rhyme describing Christmas morning noise!  Noise. Noise! Noise!!

Do you ever feel like your brain just won't shut off?  Busy.  Loud. Non-stop.

I felt that way this morning.

As I sat, I attempted the "breathe prayer" that had been so sweet and special to me last week:

"Be still... Be still and know that I am God".

Nothing seemed to bring calm.  Nothing stopped the next "to-do" flooding my mind.  ...more plans to make, lists to write and calculating needed.

Time passed and the internal noise only continued.  A bit frustrated and still buzzing with thoughts, I rose from my noisy-quiet-time and began my day.

While cleaning the dishes, I decided to listen to my "pray-as-you-go" app...  (wonderful resource!)  And, it was in that moment, with the first note of the song playing that the Spirit of God brought calm to my mind.

Beautiful words wafted from my ipod into and over my heart.

Almost like a sinking down, I could feel myself take a long, deep, full breath from the Words...

"O Lord, You search me and you know me.  You know when I sit and when I rise... you perceive my thoughts from afar.."   The Sons of Korah sang God's word over me and the Word brought light and peace.

Right there in the midst of my kitchen... hands soapy and dishes piled high... He brought rest and quiet. Quiet in the midst of noise.

I know you, Stephanie.  I know these thoughts.

He knows me!

He isn't surprised at the whiz and busy and buzzing.   He isn't upset and He isn't bothered.  He knows.  

Just the thought of my Almighty, All Powerful, Ever-Close Father knowing my every thought brought comfort.  He knows.   He knows what I have to do today and He knows where I am borrowing worry for tomorrow.  And, He is okay.

Your loving knowledge is amazing to me.  I am so grateful!  I am also sorry, Lord, that I worry and I run around panting for mental breath and rest.  You offer me daily rest for my soul.  Thank you for the grace that covers all that!  You know me and your love is unfailing.  

A Sheep with Claws??

photo source

It is a funny or odd picture, I will admit.  But, God used it none-the-less.

A little white lamb with sharp, long fangs pointing out from it's mouth.  In place of hooves, it had claws like an eagle.   A strange image, to be sure.  A "fangy" sheep?  But, this is the picture I saw in my head when I ask the Lord about my worry.

When I asked Him what He thought about my worry... what was His Truth about the state of my heart, I saw this picture in my mind's eye.

A sheep with fangs...  ugly, grotesque and malformed...  a lamb with claws.  Not as it should be.  Something is definitely not right here.

I knew when I saw this picture in my mind's eye that God's Spirit was saying something profound to my spirit.   This is what you look like when you don't trust me and you try to take care of yourself with worry.  

Humans aren't born with armor.  We don't have fangs and we don't have claws.  We are soft and vulnerable.   When we go to war we must create armor.  When we are hurt we also must, and do, create armor to protect.  When we want to attack with strength, we have to have made a weapon.  Our fists are the best we have.  That is it.  We aren't made to protect ourselves or to attack others.  Protection is what God does for us... if we let Him.

But, we don't.  Or, I should say, I don't.  I try to protect myself and have since before I can remember.  I protect myself from this pain or that pain.  Psychologists call these "protections" our "coping mechanisms".  Worry, fear, overeating, pleasure, escape, planning, "doing", cleaning, self righteousness, judgment and analysis... all mechanisms to help us cope---to help me cope.

Some coping mechanisms are more destructive than others, certainly.  And, some are temporary gifts of survival;  but, all mechanisms--- in the end--- if solely relied upon can become our god.    They become places we go.  They become the avenue for our okay-ness, our rest, our care, and our security.  They tend and "care" for us---usually quite poorly, I might add.  They can become our shepherd.

God reminded me of this picture today.  When I came to Him again, today, with my worry, He reminded me that it isn't my job to protect myself or to protect others.  He is my good, kind, loving Shepherd.  I can trust Him and His protection.  "I myself will tend my sheep, says the Sovereign Lord" (Ezekiel 34:15)  

In fact, when I run to these others things--- when I try to protect myself---I just look (and act) like a scared little white lamb with fangs and claws.  Something is not quite right here.


"Find rest, O my soul, in God alone!"  Psalm 62:5-8

Screaming lists and loud calendars

photo source

The "to-do" list runs long and feels heavy.  The calendar seems to scream at me and I begin to feel it pushing out my peace.  The feeling of "overwhelmed" creeps up on me, tapping me on the shoulder with a hiss--- a lying tongue whispering that I need to worry.

But, I don't have to listen.

I can just be.

Still.

I can be still and know that He is God!  (Psalm 46:10).

Will it all get done?  I don't know.  Will the earth stop turning on it's axis if it doesn't?  This light-hearted internal question brings a slight chuckle, which brings relief.

I really don't have to worry.  And, I don't have to listen to "overwhelmed".   Neither do you.

We can just be.

I can be here today.  And, not worry about tomorrow.  I can tell the long list to shut up and I can ignore the screaming calendar.  Be quiet!  Shhhh---enough already!  

I can be still.  And, I can trust that my kind, gentle, loving Father is God---

I can be still and know that He is God.

To Borrow Worry again... and again...

photo source

His face was painted with worry.  What is wrong, sweet boy? Why that face?

In response, he broke down in tears.  Almost sobbing uncontrollably, he told me about all the things he had to get done for school.  He just knew that he wasn't going to be able to get it all done!

In that moment, he just knew that the day would be a failure.  Anyone looking on would have seen utter frustration and despair coming out in tears down his freckled face.  My sweet boy...  He is only ten years old.  But, sometimes even he, this light-hearted soul, feels overwhelmed and worried.

I knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that he would be just fine.  I knew he would have plenty of time to finish it all.  I knew, in fact, that he would have time to spare and much room to play!  But no words could convince his determined heart.  He just wouldn't believe me.  Does God ever feel this way, I wonder?

I knew He need not worry!  I knew it would all be fine... he would be fine.  But, his heart was convinced otherwise.  And so he despaired.  He worried.  He cried and lamented.

At about 4:00 this afternoon I found this same sweet boy playing on the computer.  He loves his computer-time play!  I found him here playing and creating a world on his favorite game.  He saw me and wanted to show me the digital world he is creating.  I enjoyed it and entered into his play world for a moment.

Then, I asked him...

This morning, son, you were very worried.  Were you borrowing worry, my sweet boy?  

With a sheepish, but tenderly sweet grin, he said, Yep.  Yeah... I was.  

Was it worth it?  Did it help you?  Was it necessary, my sweet boy?  

No!!  he replied, it never is!  

And then he paused and said with a confusing look and a quirky smile,  But, Mom, I seem to forget that when I am worried.  When I am in the middle of worrying, I can't seem to remember!

Me, too, son.  Me, too!

It has been said that our anxiety does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow, but only empties today of its strength.  ~Charles Spurgeon

Ample Opportunities

photo source

They just don't seem to worry.  I watched them eat yesterday, these darling little birds--plump and singing their happy songs.  Cared for even amidst the snow and cold, these little ones don't have to be anxious.   They just eat what God has given them and go about their day. 

For me, in any given day, there are ample opportunities to worry.  From the lingering cough of a child, to the relational dynamics of family, to the laundry-pile that never ends...  each day, truly, holds enough worry of it own.  Each day there are plenty of reasons to feel anxious.  And, I do sometimes.  Do you?

Some moments, I feel this slight pain or tinge lingering in my stomach... worry...  and I have to stop and ask God, "Why am I feeling this way?"  It usually only takes a moment to pray and ponder my recent train-of-thought and it becomes clear why I am feeling just slightly queazy.  ...a passing thought of the upcoming credit card bill, a quick thought of the preparation I haven't done for that upcoming seminar, a conversation I feel insecure about...

My body can tense and feel the worry before I am emotionally aware of what my mind and heart are doing. 

Reading this morning, I was struck by the words of Christ to His disciples, "Do not be anxious". (Luke 12:22)  Just don't, He says.

Just don't do it.  Simple and sweet.

The beauty of Christ's words, though, include not only the "don't", but the "why not..."

Don't worry, He tells His friends.  Why?  Because, "He who planted the ear, does He not hear?  He who formed the eyes, does he not see?" (Psalm 94:9)  Why not worry, Stephanie?  Because, your loving, powerful Father sees and hears and knows. 

Why not be anxious, my friends?  Because, "God feeds them".  (Luke 12:24)
There is ample opportunity for worry, yes.  But, so are there a myriad of reasons to trust this One- this powerful Creator that sees, hears and knows all.  This day affords me ample opportunity to trust this One- this loving Father that clothes and feeds. 

Fear not, little flock, for it is your Father's good pleasure to give you the kingdom.  So, seek his kingdom and these things will be added to you!  (Luke 12:31,32)

Each day gives me ample opportunities to "fear not!" and occasions "to not worry".  Each day offers me circumstances to trust, to rest and to receive from my Father's hand.   ...to eat what He provides and go about my day, even in the snow. 

Gotta' feed the beast

A beast of burden.

That is how A.W. Tozer suggests that we consider our bodies in his wonderful book, Pursuit of God.  I love it.  I just love it! 

Just as Jesus "had need of" that beast of burden, the donkey, when He rode into Jerusalem, so we too have need of our bodies.  They serve us.  Actually, they serve the Lord through serving us.  Just as that humble, insignificant ass did over 2,000 years ago for Jesus, so my body is a tool for the Lord---for His glory.  

And, just as we wouldn't abuse or neglect our needed beasts of burden, neither should we in any way abuse our bodies.  We should feed them, care for them appropriately and make them always ready for service when they are needed.  In the same way, we shouldn't rely on them too heavily or praise them--- focusing on them in excess.  Certainly the beast that carried Jesus was not receiving any "Hosanna's".  He just carried the One whom they praised.

My "beast of burden" has given me havoc many a times in my life.  Today this beast, my body, cries out for some more care.  Today it was a needed crown on an aging tooth and possibly a root canal.  Yuck.  But, truly, not something that I can ignore.  And, certainly ignoring it any longer would be to neglect the body that God has given me to carry me through this life.  ...so I must deal with it.

To be honest, the thought of a root canal and a crown was not as overwhelming as the thought of the cost of the two procedures.

I felt frustrated that once again this body of mine, this beast...  this hole-ridden- tent, was crying out in a way that was beyond my ability to provide.  I can feed it, yes, but I can't fix it!  ...and actually, in fact, the very food that I feed it comes from God's hand, as well! 

So... sitting in the parking lot of the dentist's office... my Father God and I had a good conversation about this.  I was able to tell Him that I needed Him to care for this body of mine.  I was able to ask Him provide for the beast that He has given me. And, that just as the disciples went at His bidding to get that donkey and bring the beast for the Lord's use... I am asking God to do all things necessary so that I can continue to serve Him---that this beast of a body would be a tool in His hands, for His glory!

This dialogue was had with tears and a fair bit of frustration.  I trust You, Lord.  Help me to trust You more!

So I rode this beast of burden right into the specialist's office.  And, long story short--- I don't need a root canal!  (a crown, yes.)  This news felt like a huge gift from God!  And as a special "wink" from my Father in Heaven, the specialist gave me the consulting visit for free.  Free! 

As I left the appointment, the receptionist said to me in low-quiet-tones, "there is no charge for today's visit".

I said, "I don't understand."

She lifted her voice just a bit and whispered again, "there is no charge for today's visit."

Dumbfounded, I said again, "I am sorry.  I don't understand."

"The doctor would like to bless you," she spoke quietly with a smile, "it's a blessing."

A smile from the receptionist.  A wink and a smile from my Father in Heaven---reminding me that He would indeed care well for this beast of burden---for me, for my body.  He would provide.  I could trust Him.  He does still have "need" of me and my body for His glory, ... so He would take care of it.  He will feed the beast!

God's singin' again!

Upon waking, I uttered a one sentence prayer, "I am afraid, Father".

I am afraid.

In response to this half-sleep, honest, child like prayer, I believe God sang to me!

Have you ever heard God sing?

My kids and husband are always singing. Truly our house is a constant cacophony of sound. Rhythms are being tapped out, or a beat drummed. ...sounds, whistles, songs or just plain loud talking fills my home. My kids always have a 'song in their hearts'.

I don't.

I like music. I like music a lot, actually. But, unlike the other three members of my family, I NEVER have songs, sounds, and rhythms beating through my mind at all times.

But on Thursday morning, in answer to my sighed-prayer, "I am afraid, Lord", I instantly had a song's verse waft through my mind. ..singing to me. And, it was sweet.

"You made it all, said, "Let there be..." and there was, all that we see. From the sound of Your voice, to the work of Your hands... You do all things well. You do all things well."

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0cl-ge7pEDk

As if a direct, perfect answer to my cry and my prayer, He answered... with Truth. Truth in a song.

I am currently recovering from a much needed operation. You see, pain for me has always meant something was wrong in my body. ...well, something has been wrong in my body for nearly 30 years! And, so recovery from surgery is often a special-push in my trusting Father's goodness and healing.

Not all pain is bad pain...

Right now, I feel pain ...normal recovery pain... and can I worry or fear. I worry that this will never end. I fear that something else has gone wrong. I fear that it wasn't fixed. That infamous, "waiting for the other shoe to drop" has been a struggle this week.

As I experience these tough emotions,though, I feel as if the Father is calmly taking my face into His cupped hands (as I might do to my upset or sad 12 year old daughter). With kind, gentle, merciful eyes He is singing to me, "I made it all! I do all things well!"

I have plans for you, Stephanie. And, my plans for you are not to harm you... they are for your good and for my Glory! Trust me. Do you know I love you?

His faithful love endures forever. His mercies are new every morning. He does all things well. And, this morning I am not afraid.

Worry, really? Again?

You would think I would get it, wouldn't you?

After all He has done in my life... all I have learned... you would think that I would have that "no worry!!" and "trust"lesson-thing tied up nicely in a neatly wrapped package with a blue bow on top.

But, alas, nope. Still learning...

This morning I was worried.

...does it really matter about what? Not really.

But, anyway, there I was worrying. Not excessively. Not obsessively, per-se. But, worried, none-the-less. Measuring in my mind. Calculating possible solutions. And, the worry was interrupting my morning quiet time.

And, then I had a remarkable thought. Smack dab in the middle of a worried, calculating, sorting, planning moment (I was figurin' it all out!, right?), I was suddenly reminded of lessons-of-late.

Like a light-tap-on-the-shoulder nudge from the Spirit, I suddenly remembered.

Hadn't Father been so sweetly, gently and patiently teaching me that He was in control? Hadn't Father been showing me that He would "sort-it" and "solve-it" and work it out for His good. ...in His time and in His way.

Yes. Yes, He had.

Not guilt inducing, just a "leading into Truth". Just a reminder.

And, in that moment, I knew. Once again, I had to simply trust Him and ask Him to take this one too. This issue, this problem, He could sort. He could make a way. He could solve. I could trust Him. Simple as that. I could tell Him the issue, how I felt about it, and ask Him to care for it. ...and He would.

...He will. In His time and in His way.

I had a moment of choice. There was a split second where I knew I could choose trust.

And, so I did. Victory!! Hallelujah, Victory!

I settled down in mind and spirit, handed this issue to my Father ... and moved on.

Can I just testify that in no less than 2 hours time, He sorted it?! I am not joking or exaggerating. In less than two hours I had a phone call that answered and solved my dilemma (with a solution, mind you, I could never have come up with on my own)

Now, I know He doesn't always "work that fast". If you have read any previous post regarding my life-long struggle with illness and pain you might know---boy!, do I know that He doesn't always "answer so fast". But, today, He did. And, it made me chuckle inside when He did. And, I think that made Him smile, too.

As if smiling at me, I felt He might say in a sweet-sarcastic tone, "Is that solution okay with you, Stephanie? How did I do?" And, I chuckled.

Next time, ...well, that is...tomorrow, I want to skip the worry part and just go with the trust and surrender part. May I learn this today and for-ever, Father!

Because you would think I would have gotten it by now, don't ya?!

"I do not find that this position, that of unbroken peacefulness [and trust], is one which we can hope to hold unassailed. It is no soft arrangement of pillows, no easy-chair. It is a fort in a enemy's country, and the foe is wise in assault and especially in surprise. And yet there can be nothing to fear, for it is not a place that we must keep, but a stronghold in which we are kept. If only, in the moment we are conscious of attack, we look to Jesus, our Leader and Perfecter. He who endured can protect and maintain that of which He is Author and Finisher and says, "Peace I leave with you, My peace I give unto you..."

~Amy Carmichael, Rose from Brier

Is God ever late?

So am I really "late" to meet you if my watch says it is 9:00 and yours says it's 9:05?


It is so amazing how stuck in time I can be. It is strange how affected my heart can be by the worries of "time".


We rode in a taxi today, through the traffic jammed streets of Bangkok. Bumper to bumper we sat, and sat, inching our way forward. We barely moved. The clock moved, though. And, we knew every minute that passed. We were late.


Or, were we? The truth is... we were "going" to be late. We were quite certain that we were doomed to be late and our lateness was going to be bad! The jammed traffic and our slow moving taxi was every indication and proof that the 20 minute drive was definitely going to take an hour. And, our appointment couldn't be missed! What were we to do!?


...so much worry, and frustration stole my joy during that 40 minute drive. And, it was all "borrowing worry". All of it in vain.


We got there late. Yep. And, it didn't really matter. The clock on their wall was "off" and according to their calculations we weren't too late anyway... All worry was wasted energy. All frustration was expended for no good purpose!


It is amazing how affected by time I can be.


"Now". "10 minutes". "Bed time" and "late" or "wait" ... can all bring instant frustration when they are spoken, or pushed, or pulled, or messed-with in any way.


Yesterday I read a sweet reminder... "a day is like thousand years and a thousand years like a day" (2 Peter 3:18). In this truth, I was reminded that my Father is before time. He is above time... outside of ... around and within time. My "now" and "late" and "wait" ... look very different to Him.

The rush of being late... a thousand years late, in fact ... isn't late at all. It is just a day late. A thousand years late? No. Only a day late, really. Or even, if our clocks are different, right on time!


It is good to remember that God is not slow... and He is not rushed ... and He is never frustrated ... or looking at His watch.


I say, "Lord, I want this now". He says, "yes!" and ... His "now- yes" could be answered in a thousand years. Or, He could give it today.

His perfect timing is, well... perfect. And, I can trust that.


So, it doesn't really matter what my watch says... 9:00 or 9:05 ... He is never late.

Takin' care of me

My Father in heaven is always watching over me. Psalm 121 speaks of Him four different time as being the "keeper" (protector, or guard) of His people. He is my ward. My caretaker. He is my keeper.

Just as some days I seem to be more aware of my desperate need for His protection, there are days when I become keenly aware of His keeping. Today, His keeping has been tangible.

Yesterday I worried. I allowed the planning, the schedule and the future to overwhelm me and I slipped head-long into worry. As I fretted and worried, ... I schemed and planned... trying to figure it all out and make it fit. Did I even pray or ask Him to help? Yes. Yes, I suppose I did. But, not with much faith that He would, as sad as that sounds. I did bring it to Him a bit... but mostly, I just worried and calculated. How was it all going to fit? How was I going to get it all done?

Today He just showered me with gifts. He gave me answers and through His kids (my sisters in Christ) He provided help I wasn't even willing, or planning, to ask for. He just said, "Stephanie, here, my love... here is the help you need." He truly just put the help, the answers, "the scheme" right in front of me and gave me what I needed.

And, I am not worried tonight.

Last night I worried. Tonight I rest in the confidence that He provides. Simple grace. Undeserved blessing. Simple mercy from loving Father that gets how dull and how unfaithful I can be. Simple love through His hand, through His people.

My Father is always guarding me. He is always protecting me. He is my keeper. He does not sleep. Although this is always true of my Father, today my heart is full of this truth and rejoicing. May I grow in trusting this kind, loving, protecting Father.

I lift up my eyes to the hills—where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth.

He will not let your foot slip— he who watches over you will not slumber;indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. The LORD watches over you— the LORD is your shade at your right hand; the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night.

The LORD will keep you from all harm— he will watch over your life; the LORD will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore. Psalm 121

His work. His people

The work is His and not mine, therefore I am able to quietly leave it in His hands. - George Mueller

I have posted about this quote before. I read it again today and I am challenged. Particularly, when "the work" is people that I love so deeply... it seems quite difficult to leave them in His hands. I know that, in part, this is because I don't truly believe that the work is His and not mine. Somewhere within I feel responsible--- like I could do more, need to hold on, ...I must do more.

It is true that you live out what you really believe. My real belief is showing forth today as I worry after those I love. I know that the deep love I feel for them is not the sin... in fact, I believe it is from the heart of God. My sin lies in the worry. My sin lies in my inability to lay them down and leave them quietly at Jesus' feet. I keep carrying them around. My back gets tired and my legs worn out... this is the problem.

...Cast your cares on the Me, our Father says.

...Do not worry about anything, but in everything make your requests known to me, my Father says.

...My yoke is easy, my burden is light, says my Friend.

...Trust in Me, lean not on your understanding, my Lord says to me.

...Salvation belongs to me, my Almighty God says!

The work is Yours, Lord. I am willing to join You whenever You want... I will go where You want and say what You want me to say. But, the work is Yours--- not mine! So, I leave them in Your hands. I leave them quietly and I choose to find rest for my weary soul.

Jumped on

Sometimes the words just jump off the page and slap you in the face.

I was jumped on by God's word this morning. This is one aspect of the Scriptures that I love, although the words jumping out at you are not always an easy slap. Today's slap hurt a bit.

"Produce fruit in keeping with repentance" were today's jumping words.

I often start my time before God in confession and repentance. After a time of worship and adoration it is good to bring before the Lord my heart and ask for His light to shine. This morning was no different. I was agreeing with the Lord in repentance this morning as His light shone brightly into my pride, my judgemental attitudes, my gluttony and my worry.

Certainly none of these sins are new to me. Unfortunately the list of sins is similar week to week and month to month. Oh, Lord have mercy! My heart cries out and I ask for His faithful love to cleanse me from all unrighteousness. He promises to do this and I can rely on Him as the Rock of my salvation (it is a beautiful thing I don't have to stand on me, or my works for my salvation!).

So, I truly received forgiveness once again for my crimes against Almighty God. What a gift we have in the blood of the Lamb, my brother, my Savior Jesus!

After a time of confession, I turned to my assigned reading and whammo! bam! off the page jumps these words... as God's heart speaks to my heart.

"Produce fruit in keeping with repentance". These words spoken by John the Baptist are directed at the Pharisees in Matthew 3. I am not a Pharisee. I am a child of the living God. I am forgiven and set free. So, what do these have to do with me? Everything.

I believe John was inviting to Pharisees to do something they simply could not do. They couldn't produce fruit!

When I repent from worry, I simply CAN NOT produce the fruit of peace that is "keeping with" my repentance. When I confess the sin of gluttony, I can not produce the fruit of self control that would be "in step" with my repentance. I can't make self-control happen in my life. Certainly there are things I can do to strengthen my faith, to exercise my will, and to work the "muscles" of right choices; but, I can not make myself joyful, peaceful or full of love instead of judgement.

The only One who produces good fruit is the Spirit of the living God. I have to rely on Him!

Abide in Him. Rest in Him. Rely on Him. In Him is Your salvation. Keep in step with the Spirit. Be filled with the Spirit.

From a Spirit-tree comes Spirit fruit... from a flesh tree- comes flesh fruit. I can not produce Spirit fruit. Only He can... the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience... and self-control.

John the Baptist mentions this as well in Matthew 3. He explains that the baptism he was offering was only repentance. But, One better was coming that would baptise them in the Spirit of God!

Repentance isn't enough. We repent all the time. We turn from our sins, we turn toward God... and then whoops... we turn back. And on goes the cycle. Have mercy on us, Lord. But, God offers us more than just repentance. He offers us fruit that keeps with our repentance. He offers us life and freedom. It is when I turn from my sins and then walk filled with Him where I find this life and freedom. This is where I find fruit in keeping with repentance.

It certainly doesn't mean try harder, Steph. It doesn't mean squeeze really hard and pop! out of your life fruit might emerge. No! It means surrender. It means keep Your eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of Your faith. It means keep in step with the Spirit and rely on Him. Listen to His promptings and rest on His strength. This alone will produce fruit in keeping with your repentance, Steph.

Off the page, they jumped and slapped me in the face. What a gift!

Thank you, Lord for Your Word. Thank you Lord for Your faithful forgiveness. Thank you, Lord for the gift of Your Spirit. It is He that will lead me into all truth and righteousness. It is in Him I will find freedom and rest. Fill me today a fresh with Your Spirit and produce in me, O Holy Spirit of God, the fruit that is in keeping with my repentance. For Your glory alone, Father!