Lament Response

It was deeply, dark-clouded and a fiercely windy day.  While walking, no... stomping..., my way up the green, muddy hill, I asked the Lord, "Are you really with me?"  

This day was just another day in a string of hard days... my husband lay ill in bed with Covid.  He still suffered and we were waiting, praying, hoping for sickness to leave.  Days on days... weeks getting lost into months.  This illness and it's horrible touch lived with us every moment of every day.  

I had ventured out into the rough weather to get some fresh air and stomp out my prayers, my grief, my frustration, and my pain.  Muddied, wet, tired and emotional, I had the passing thought:   I am with you always... 

With you always, Stephanie...

With irritation and despairing tone, face upturned to the dark clouds, I shot back...  "Are you really with me? Really!?  Right here, now?  Are you really with me?"  

Lament is not my forte.  It is not something I normally do... nor have felt comfortable doing most of my Christian life.  My personality and my upbringing have not encouraged emotional outbursts, to be sure.  But, it seemed lately, that without lament...  with out this ever-increasing honesty with my Jesus...  I would run dry.   It seemed necessary and right and very good.  In these days, lament had become my doorway, my window, ...my deep well which accessed living water.   I was thirsty and God was teaching me to tell Him how very thirsty I was.  Oh!  How very thirsty I am!   

So, stomping up the hill, my face lifted, my honest response to the whispered Scripture, "I am with you always"... was tear filled retort.  Really, Lord?!  Are you really with me?  

Like a flash, I had His response.  Instantaneously, I heard one clear word quietly whispered to my heart...  Within.  

I am within you, Stephanie.  

Like lightening, the flash of truth filled me with the ever living water and it was another piece of manna.  Food for my days, for the weeks to come... for the days that would turn into months. 

Whatever would come, I felt my courage rise.  My faith was filled with His Presence and I knew...  

I am always within you, Stephanie.   

So much closer than with... even closer than walking alongside...  My Jesus is within me.    His Spirit lives and abides IN me.  Closer than my very breath.  

Paul tells us in Ephesians that Jesus makes "his home within us".  Jesus, Himself, tells us His Spirit abides with us and within us... (John 14)   I believe we spend too much time looking up and out for Him... seeking Him outside of ourselves... seeking Him in the skies (where He also dwells, just to be clear!)  We need to remember that He is within.  

Jesus said in John 16:5-16:  "I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you. In a little while the world will see Me no more, but you will see Me. Because I live, you also will live. On that day you will know that I am in My Father, and you are in Me, and I am in you….If anyone loves Me, he will keep My word. My Father will love him, and We will come to him and make Our home with him."

His home is within us.  And, all fullness of life and joy and peace lives in Him.  If we are lacking, He is not.  He will give to those who lack.  Do you need wisdom?  Ask Him... He is full of it and He lives in you.  Fullness of wisdom abides in you... abide in Him!  Do you need patience?  or love?  Or do you need joy today?  Ask Him, He is full of it... and He lives in you.  

I walked home that day... that dark, pounding day with a full heart.  I was full of Him and His truth.  He responded to my lament.  His loved welled up and filled my heart and mind with more of Himself.  

The difficult days continued onward... days turned into weeks.  Weeks fell away to months...  In fact, as I write this, we still live with the reality of this horrible illness.  We've stopped counting time passed.  But still ...and still...  that piece of manna ---within----feeds me.  

Just to be clear, I don't hear from His Spirit these type of "words" often--- this is why I call it manna.  Or, better yet, I should call it a feast.  He feeds me manna from the Bible and I collect what I can for each day.  His Scripture is my daily bread.  These special moments--- these flash moments ---are like a feast day.  

Even when I don't feel it... I can remember the taste of the feast.  I know it to be true.  

He is within me always, even until the end of the age.  

Hope Springs

Hope Springs 

I look outside and I wonder if I have lost them all

Vines, plants, bushes tended and laboured over with love, 

Life seems utterly sucked out of them. 

Wind battered, frost bit, brittle they look back at me with pale face. 

Look again, my child.  

I hear the Gardener's quiet whisper. 

Do you see the green?  

I lean close.  I search and look with my pale face and aging eyes. 

Just barely.   Ever so slight, I see the smallest green bud appearing.

Amidst the woody, lost-looking bits, I see life. 

Can these dry bones live?  He whispers

My heart yields, 'Only You know, Lord!?'  

Later, as if a reminder, the song wafts through my speakers.  

This soul-singer speaks of his furrowed, torn-open-heart. 

My heart nods an emphathic "yes" in recognition. 

I, too, feel a bit battered and worn.   

Ripped holes makes space for seed, he sings. 

Will what looks so-very-dead rise again?  

Do you see the green?  I hear the whisper, again. 

I look and see this smallest spark of life and I will hope.  

"Our Lord has written the promise of resurrection, not in books alone, 

but in every leaf in springtime"

~ Martin Luther

Andrew Peterson's The Sower's Song 

The Waiting Deposit

 

There is a sadness that sits in the silence

as I go looking for you.

I wait and wonder, 

where I am and where you are.

What I know to be true and feel in these moments

are far from each other.

So, I wait and wonder, 

when you will come, when I will feel you.

Deeper still, I listen hard and sit long

I sense your Presence.

I wait and I wonder...

A well of truth and love that fills

the depths of my soul.

I wait and wonder...

This recessed deposit reminds me

a future that will come. 

I wait and I wonder...

Sunken deep, a guarantee

my spirit tastes and sees.

So, I wait and I wonder, 

where I am and when you will come.  

"The Spirit is God’s deposit guaranteeing that he will give us the inheritance he promised 

and that he has purchased us to be his own people. 

He did this so we would praise and glorify him."  Ephesians 1:14

 

"It is God who enables us, along with you, to stand firm for Christ.  

He set his seal of ownership on us, and put his Spirit in our hearts 

as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come."  2 Corinthians 1:21-22

Sabbatical Reflections: Words on a Page #24 The Best Medicine

The Best Medicine

Laughter wells up and spills over.

Like a singing stream, 

a song of joy bubbles and gurgles.

Laughter rises and bounces up.

Like a dancing dolphin, 

riding the wake with a jump and frolic.

Days of sadness have gone before.

Songs of mourning filling my week.

Waves of grief have racked and crashed. 

But today, I chuckle and chortle.

His essence fills my aching soul with good medicine.

Laughter wins today! 

Written September 2020

Proverbs 17:22 "A joyful heart is good medicine, but a broken spirit dries up the bones."

 

Sabbatical Reflections: Words on a Page #20 Midnight Call

 Middle of the Night Call

 A nudge.

A gentle tap.

3 am invitation comes again.

I roll over.

Pull covers up tight.

Certainly the clouds are too thick tonight, Lord.

A whisper.

A small thought.

'I want to show you, again!'

Another gentle nudge.

A push and a tap in my mind.

Barely conscious I am waking.

Doubt-filled thoughts.  

Questions rise.

This second-guess girl wonders at crazy midnight ideas.

Oh!  But, the tug.  

Now, the pull. 

With little expectation, I yank myself out of bed. 

Grab the coat

But, oh!, it's so very cold, Lord!

I slowly wander outside. 

Startled. 

Instant awe.  

I am shocked to my very core.

Dark clouds drawn back.

Opened like heavy curtains.

Pushed right to the edge of the earth.

Stars on display.

His masterpiece.

Singing His glory again!

Arrayed in majesty.

A picture of love.

Arranged by the greatest artist of all time.

To think! He invited me!

His hands pushed the clouds back.

Did He smile big that night?

When next will He call? 

Will I respond?

Will you listen?

"By the word of the Lord the heavens were made, their starry host by the breath of His mouth" Psalm 33:6

Written August 2020

Feeling Empty

I just didn't have it this morning.  I felt empty.  Lacking.

I woke up seriously lacking.  Lacking energy.  Lacking joy.  Out of sorts and out of whack,  I certainly didn't have it this morning.  Grace.  Love.  Peace.  Joy.  I didn't have any of it for myself, let alone for anyone else.

The morning habit of "the chair" always draws me... sometimes with excitement and anticipation, often simply out of discipline and habit.  At some silly-o-clock every morning, my alarm sings.  I wake.  I stumble down stairs and drink my glass of water.  And, then I go to my chair...  Habit.  Good daily habits. What a gift!

Bible.  Journal.  Prayer App.  Worship Music.  ...all tools I might use in my chair.  This day I just sat there, half awake, staring into the space in front of me.  How long did I just stare into the room? Looking but not seeing.  Just sitting.

I could scarcely hear the whisper waft my way... was it from my habit, was it from my Lord?...  Either way, I could hear a whisper:  the Word.  

The Word, Stephanie.  A still small voice reminding me to pick up God's word.  With automatic obedience, I lifted my bible and my journal from where they live in the basket next to the chair.

Opening the Bible, the red cloth book marker directed me where to place my eyes on the page.  Good thing for that marker!  Without it I may have just stared for more time into the nothingness.  Following the marker's direction, I found my place and I read.  Almost from the first word, from the pulsating life which lives within the very letters on this majestic page, I could feel a surge.  Truth.  I could feel the truth in the words I was reading.  None of the Words were new.  I have read them a thousand times, to be sure.  In fact, I had read the very same words yesterday.  But, again today, they were fresh with life.  Ah, the Word of God does wonders for the soul! 

As Scripture awakened my mind, my heart and my soul...  I began to see a bit more of me.  It took time.  A thawing was beginning as I read word after word.

Finally words from within me began to emerge.  The first words I scribbled in my journal said, "I just don't have it today."

I just don't have it, Lord.  I am seriously lacking.  

As if God is surprised by this confession, right?  He is well aware of our need for Him.  He knows I am lacking.  I am always lacking...

Yes, I know, Stephanie.  So, now that you know, ask Me for exactly what you need.   

What did I need from God?  Today.  What was my need.  Oh.  So much!  I need grace, Lord.  I need love today, Lord!  I don't have it.  I don't have it for me.  I don't have it for anyone else.  

Truth washed over my mind like a flood.  I have both in abundance.  I am Love.  I am rich in grace.  And, I live IN you.  

In You...  abundance.  richness and fullness.  

I could feel the boldness growing.  Yes, I can ask for exactly what I need!  Yes, my God is rich in mercy.  I need joy, Lord... Oh man, I am really not feeling the joy, Lord!  Can I have more joy today, please? And, oh, I'm seriously needing peace and definitely patience...  I need so much, Lord.  

In the dark, cold morning, I was warmed by His invitation.  My Spirit lives in You.  My fullness.  Love.  Joy.  Peace. Patience... all I am, accessible to you.  Always.  A living stream of life and truth is welling within you, because I live in you.  I dwell in you.  You have everything you need.  Everything.  In Me.  Ask me... and then wait and see!  

Truly, I walked away from my chair with more joy and peace.  I asked and He answered.  I could feel Him giving me what I needed for the day.  Enough.  I always have enough in Him.  I simply needed to ask and receive.  Bread enough for my today.

I didn't have it this morning.  But, my God does and He loves to give the good gift of His Spirit to His children.  (Luke 11:13)

"Whoever believes in Me, as Scripture has said, rivers of living water will flow from within them. He was speaking of the Spirit..."  (John 7:38, 39)

Rugged, rough places in My Soul

I felt deep sadness.  I know his words were not meant to hurt.  He would never intentionally want to hurt me, I know this.  But, instantly, I could feel the pain welling.  The tears rose, slowly brimming at the edge---threatening to spill over.  Later, in the quietness and stillness of the morning hours, I could let them pour forth.  Sadness.  Just deep, profound sadness.  

Learning to stay curious about my emotions has been life changing.  I am so grateful for this gift.  

Why, Lord?  Not an intellectual question, as such... but, a soul question.  A question of wonder, awe, and simple curiosity.  I am asking God, the One who knows and sees all, to show me to me.  

Why, Lord?  Why did his words pain me so?  

It's old... deep, and old.  

Old, past wounds were surfacing with the simple scratch of his now words.  They touched something deep.  They touched a young me.  They hurt.  Not because he was hurting me.  They hurt because there was a painful spot, deep within, that was being poked.  Call it scars.  Call it a sore spot.  His words touched something before...  

But, we've looked at these many times, Lord.  

Yes, many, many times.  

So, why is this coming up again?  Why, Lord?  It feels so fresh.  Show me, Lord.  Show me, me.  

My life is dripping with abundance.  Truly.   So, why this sadness today?  It's not about today.

I asked and I sat.  I cried and I prayed.  I journaled.  I picked up the Scriptures and He opened my eyes, again, to His big, grand why-plan...  

In Isaiah 40, God speaks so tenderly to the heart of His people.  He tells them to be comforted. Comfort, comfort we hear Him say.  What comes in the next section surprised me and jumped off the page at me today...   They can be comforted because their sin is forgiven AND because..."Every valley shall be raised up.  Every mountain will be made low.  Every rugged and crooked place straight.  The rough places will be made a plain."(Isaiah 40:4)

This is WHY... this is the why-plan God is activating in my life as I stay curious about my painful, wounded past hurts.  

The truth is, in all of us---every. single. one.--- there are valley places, crooked places, and rough places in our souls.  He loving heart is to smooth us out.  He is clearing out the debris.  He is straightening out the wrong, bent parts of me.  Making me... inside me... a straight, plain place.  He is making me a green pasture.  

The words said to me this morning were not meant to hurt me, I know that.  They were innocent words that happened to fall upon a crooked place in me.  In the quiet and the stillness of moments with God, I can visit those crooked, bent places and have a look.  With Him, I can look intently at the pain.  I see the data point that is my strong, painful emotions.  I stay curious and ask the Spirit of the Lord, who knows all things, to show to me, myself.  And, I trust His work to raise up those valleys.  

Have Your good and loving way in me, Lord!  

Wanting to Write Faith

I am so naturally inclined to fix things...

Or.  Should I say I am naturally inclined to try to fix things? Or... even more accurately, I desperately want things to be fixed.  And, by things---I guess I should say people.

Yep.  People.  I want to fix people.  

I am so naturally inclined to want to try to fix people.  Myself, very much included.

A friend recently reminded me that people---any person--- "Is not a problem to be fixed".  People are not a problem.  People are a beautiful, created soul.  Each person I interact with is a unique soul to be loved, heard, seen, and encouraged.   NOT a problem to be fixed. 

Oh how I need to remember this...  

Why do I so want to fix the world, others, and very-especially myself?  

If, indeed, Jesus is the author of faith and the finisher/perfecter of faith (Hebrews 12:2).  Then, at no point in any person's journey, is it for me to try to fix and/ or correct their faith.  I can't create faith---I can't author it.  And, I certainly can't perfect faith.  The job of  the Almighty Author is to write faith and then bring each faith story to completion. 

I just get to read.  I get to love the story... or not.  I get to engage my heart, 'get really into' the book, and open up to what I see in the story being written.

People are as different as any two books!  

My job is to read the "stories" God is writing and bringing along my path...

I can interact with them, engage my heart in the story I am reading.  I can certainly cheer for the Hero of the story, applaud the good I see, and---like any good book--- profoundly long for the lovely outcome and conclusion the Author will bring about!   I can really, really want a happy ending.  

But, plain and simple: I am not the Author of Life.  I am not the Author of faith...mine or yours.  

Am I just talking to myself here?  

Because, I am so naturally inclined to fix things...  

Instructed Day after Day

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I love education.  I love learning.  I really do.

Give me a few quiet moments in my day, and you will find me watching a Ted Talk, reading a book, or listening to a pod cast on the Enneagram or the topic of brain science.  I just can't get enough.  Every time I scroll past one of those MasterClass advertisements online, I just want to take the class.  I wish it wasn't so expensive---I would totally sign up!  I don't care what the topic---although to be fair some are more intriguing than others to me---but, I just want to watch and learn.

I really love learning.

I have always said, I could happily be a full-time student.  ...Sitting in class, listening to lectures, reading books, writing and discussing interesting topics.  I was born a student.

So... it struck me this morning as I was reading Psalm 19:1-2:

The heavens declare the glory of God;
    the skies proclaim the work of his hands.
Day after day they pour forth speech;
    night after night they reveal knowledge.

It struck me as I studied the Hebrew words here in this text.  I have a teacher who is always speaking, always declaring and recounting.  I have an instructor available to me day after day who will reveal to me knowledge and wisdom.  I do indeed sit in a classroom night after night.

What do the heavens teach and declare?  What do the skies proclaim and recount?
What is God's creation speaking forth to me---every single moment of each day?  

I can learn so much from God's handiwork, His creation.  It speaks.  It tells and teaches me about Him that made it... it instructs me of His glory.  

Lift your eyes, Stephanie.

May I continue to learn to sit up, take notice, listen to this lecture, read it, take notes and discuss this all important topic!

A Strange Song

We received hard news the other day.  My response was raw.

I was deeply sad, confused and angry.  I truly thought that God was saying "yes" to a particular request---and then He said, "No".  I felt like a bewildered and disgruntled child.  I felt duped.  The rug had just been pulled out from under my feet.

Had I heard wrong?  Apparently!

Only last month my mentor asked me, "How do you relate to God in your grief? Do you express it to Him?"  I had found myself dumbfounded with the question--- relating to God in the grief.  In the midst...

So much still to learn.

Ranting through the day, I gave it a go.  This concept of authentic and real interaction with God. With all of me---the real me.  These raw emotions.  Could I simply have them and communicate them honestly to my God? Could I, as David and Jesus did, express those hard emotions directly to my Father, in faith.

"Where are you God?"
"Why have you forsaken me?"
"Will you remain silent forever?"

Like my husband, who gently, gracefully and calmly listened to much of my rantings that day, God seemed quietly sitting with me.  Receiving it, but not responding.  Present.  Solid.  Okay.  God was okay.  His Presence didn't falter.  I didn't feel His wrath at my strong, ugly, raw emotions.  In my anger, I asked. I questioned.  I demanded.  I cried.  It wasn't pretty.

It certainly wasn't the first time---but, it was a significant step for me in being wholly and truly ME with God.  In the midst...  Raw and real with God.

Late in the day, standing at the sink and washing my hands in the warm water, my heart cried out, "Father..."  A cry of "Ugh.."  A deep sigh of frustration escaped my lips.

In that very instant, suddenly came the strangest song...

It was Elvis Presley.  (A caveat here---I simply do NOT always have a song in my head.  Rarely. Very rarely, in fact.  And, I certainly don't have Elvis in my head!  When even was the last time I heard Elvis?!)

In that moment, clear as day, Elvis was singing into my thoughts, "Love me tender, love me true.... for my darlin' I love you and I always will"

There it was---and I knew.  I knew, as surely as I was conscious of the warm water washing my hands, that this was God's heart speaking.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Y-bd3aDMGA

God was asking me, in the most tender way, do you love Me, even so?  

Job 13:15 "Even though He slay me, I will trust Him."  

He was saying, My love for you does not falter or shift.  All I ask in return is love.  Love me with all your heart, with your soul and with your mind.  

Stephanie, love me tender.  Love me sweet.  Never let me go.  Love me tender, love me long.  Take me to your heart---for it is there that I belong and will never part.  

This God.  This amazing Lover that offers Himself and His love to me, over and over.  For always. For keeps.  ...all He asks from me is to remain in that love.  He asks for my love. 

I am not told to understand Him with all my heart, my soul and my mind.  No.  I don't have to understand.  I don't have to agree.  I just must love.  

Yes, Lord, I love you.  I love you tender and sweet.  I am yours.  
All I want for Christmas is You!  

"We love because He first loved us" (1 John 4:19)

Because He lives...

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In church this morning we were asked to fill-in this statement: Because He lives, I can...  

I have been thinking a lot about the word freedom lately.  Generally speaking, I am, by nature a bound person.  I can be bound-up in "shoulds" or in what other's think.  I can be bound-up by the judging voice in my own head, criticizing and reprimanding me.  I can be bound up in the dual shameful feelings of being "too much" or "not enough".

Bound and not free.  Bound by worry about the future.  What if it gets worse..  Will I be able to handle it?  ...what will I say?  Bound by regret from the past--- what I did, what I should have said, or didn't say.  What I could have done or shouldn't have attempted.  We are bound in compulsions, comparison, anger or unforgiveness.  Bound-up in insecurity, in judgment, and in discord.  We are, by nature, a bound people. We bind each other and, most poignantly, we bind ourselves.   I bind myself.

I found myself bound in frustration this morning at church.  Annoyance and frustration: the small, niggling kind--- not the full-blown-loose-temper kind.  I was frustrated with someone and it was distracting me.

Stephanie, there is another way...  As I sat in worship and asked the Holy Spirit to fill me with His way,  I thought again about freedom.   It is for freedom that Christ has set you free.  I am free.  Because He lives I am free...  today.  Every single minute of every day.

What is binding me right now, Lord?  

Judgement.

But, Lord, what they are doing is wrong...  

Mercy triumphs over judgement.  (James 2:13)

These are the words that rang in my head and brought clarity to my clouded thinking.  Mercy. The antidote.  I don't have to judge.  I feel the need, yes.   The urge and the natural tendency, yep.   But, there is another way.  Judgement isn't my job.  ...So NOT my job!  Mercy is the cure for the disease of judgement.

Brene Brown, in her beautiful book Rising Strong, says that "love is the last thing we need to ration in this world".   I don't have to ration or limit how much love I show another person.  I simply can't love too much.  You have been forgiven much, can you love much here?

Can you give too much mercy today, Stephanie?

In the quietness of my heart, mercy was given.  Love offered.  Blessings genuinely prayed for the person I was frustrated with...  Rest was restored in my soul.  Mercy did triumph this morning! Because He lives.

Because He lives... I can be free to love and offer mercy.  Always.



--------this was my answer to the statement.  Here are a few other people's "fill-in" that made my heart smile:

Because He lives, I can....   Be happy.  Be myself.  I can forgive.  I can be forgiven.  I can make mistakes.  I can face tomorrow.  I can be the person He made me to be.  I can love.  I don't have to worry.  I never have to be afraid.  Forgive.  Worship.

Born to War

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Early this morning, he came to me tired and discouraged.  He just wanted to go back to bed.  He was confused and foggy.   Doubt and dark thoughts swarmed in and out of his mind.

I have been there many times before!  Have you?

Sometimes when he feels this, though, I begin to feel afraid.  I worry.  I can't fix it.  I can't make him "feel" any different---or better.

"Is this spiritual attack, Mom?"  He asked knowingly.

"Yes, my love!"  Yes.  All of life is spiritual, my sweet boy.  And, in this spiritual life, sometimes we are attacked!

"We are born to war", I heard it said a few weeks ago.

Every moment of our every day is lived in the spiritual realm.  We war against our own flesh, the world, and the enemy of our souls, Satan and his demons.  Each of these is spiritual attack.  ...attack against our spirit and the Spirit of God within!  Yes, indeed, if you are discouraged and hopeless and confused and foggy...

Yes, this is part of the war you were born to, my sweet boy.

The Kingdom of Jesus is love, truth, peace*, joy and light.  The enemies of Jesus prowl around looking to devour life, love and joy.  They are seeking to kill hope and energy and peace.  (John 10:10)

"You know how to fight, my son", I reminded him.  He brimmed with tears...

How do you fight?  What is your pathway back to joy and truth---back to the awareness of Christ's Presence?  He knows.  He just forgot this morning. That is why we need each other.  Sometimes we just need a nudge and a reminder.

I gave my sweet boy a gentle nudge.  "Go worship, sweet boy!"...  "Get outside and lift your voice in praise". It was a suggestion, not a command.  He complied.  He put on his coat and gloves, donned his wellies and his hat and outside he went.

And, he worshiped God in word and in song.  

I sat quietly in my chair, with a lingering fear and concern, and prayed for him.  Choosing my own pathway to joy, I worshiped in prayer and through His Word.  "In you O Lord, my son is taking refuge.  Do not let Him be put to shame.  In Your righteousness rescue my boy, O Lord.  Deliver him. Be His rock again today. Please be his refuge."  (Psalm 71:1-3)

Red cheeked and bright eyed he came back inside a few minutes later.  He was literally leaping and bouncing with joy.  He told me that literally as he stepped outside and was choosing to go... he began to feel the joy and peace filling.  The darkness began to lift.

A battle won.  Thank you, Jesus! my heart sang.

What is your worship pathway back to joy and peace?  Is it musical song... Is it thankfulness?  Or, quiet prayer or reading His word?  Is it dancing or walking?  What step forward do you need to take today...

We are born to war.  

Help me Father to suit up and look to you to fight for me.  Help me to walk forward in worship today!  "As they began to sing and praise, the Lord set ambushes for their enemies" (2 Chronicles 20)



*I am writing here about an internal peace that passes understanding---something beyond our circumstances and trouble.  I am not suggesting a pain-free existence... instead a peace filled, joy-full living a midst pain and real troubles in this world.

Throwing Tantrums Today

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I get angry.  Sometimes I get really angry... and I throw a two-year-old tantrum.   This morning was one of those mornings.  In one silly moment, I quite literally held my fists in a ball and threw my head back with a loud "UUUGGHHH!"

Funnily, the healthier I have gotten as a person, the louder these 'outbursts' have become.  Weird.  I know.  But, true, none-the-less.  You see, for most of my life, my anger just seethed and simmered.  Undetected by most.  But very real to me. And, now, I am more aware of it's presence and I am more comfortable verbalizing how I am feeling.  My family is getting used to me saying, "I am feeling angry right now."  I don't feel I have to hide or pretend or be other than I am...  angry, at that particular moment.

It isn't that my anger is good or righteous.  Very, very rarely is that the case.  This morning it was utter frustration with a rather trite matter...  It was unrighteous and unhelpful, really.  I was simply irritable, annoyed and impatient.  And, therefore, angry.

After my toddler-tantrum this morning, I felt very unsettled.  The tantrum brought no peace.  In fact, in it's wake came more anger.  Now, I was angry at myself for my bad behavior.  It is good to be aware.  The outburst didn't help; but, the awareness did.  I could have seethed again... dug deep, pushed down the fresh anger and felt a day of shame.  I didn't.  I told God I was frustrated.  I told Him I was angry at myself and my response.  I asked Him for grace and forgiveness.

Praying my way through the morning... asking God what His thoughts were...  I think I might have heard His whisper...  "The Kingdom of God is within you" (Luke 17:21)  The Kingdom of God... Jesus's Kingdom of Peace and Light.  Refuge and Strength

Tender words.  These words wafted over my mind and I was reminded of the indwelling of the Spirit of God within me.  His Kingdom within... around... in the midst.

It was a sweet reminder that I have a place to run to when frustrated and irritable.  I have refuge within and around me...  My Rock.  When I am unsteady and impatient... I can turn and run inward to this place of peace---running to the Spirit of God within me.  He holds and carries and contains and fills.

A frustrated two year old has a choice.  I know because I have had two of them.  I distinctly remember saying to my two year old child, "Are you frustrated?  I see you are very frustrated...  Come here.  Let me help you.  Let me hold you."  When they chose refuge in my arms, they would find peace and calm and ...help.

I don't have to seethe and push it down.  I can acknowledge the true emotion.  I also don't have to outburst in rage.  In my anger, I don't have to sin.  I have another option.  I have the Kingdom of God within me!  I can take these raw and real emotions and run into a stable and constant place of peace... getting a hug and help.  I can confess and be made right...  I have big, beautiful arms to run into.  Right in that moment.

Me...Holy of Holies

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The Holy Spirit... where does He live?

More to the point, where does He live in me?  In you?  Where does He dwell?  Is He in your fingers?  Your heart?  Your gut?  Do you know the feeling of Him in you?

We are told that we are His temple and with faith in Jesus comes the indwelling of His Spirit within in us!  (Romans 8:11, 2 Timothy 1:14, 1 Corinthians 3:16) This is amazing.  Truly amazing.  We, our very bodies, become the "holy of holies"---the house of God.

Do you know what He feels like in you?  Are you aware of His Almighty, Holy Presence there in your inmost being?

I'm not.  Or, at least, not very often.  I am learning.  Teach me awareness, Father. Lead me into Truth, Holy Spirit.  

I have been reading a challenging little book called, Experiencing the Depths of Jesus Christ by Jeanne Guyon.  She suggests that much time is lost in our Christian experience by seeking God "outside" ourselves.  We are looking for Him in our world and somewhere outside ourselves.  Of course, He does dwell in the world and in the heavens.  All heaven and earth are His!  ...But, He is much closer than that.

He dwells within.  He lives in us, through us, filling us.  He lives in me.  He lives in you.  This is the "eternal life in Him" and the being "born of the Spirit" that Jesus is offering Nicodemus during that dark night-time conversation.  (John 3:1-20)

Guyon suggests that worship begins with adoration and the beholding of His Presence within you.  She offers a simple way of turning your gaze inward---not toward yourself, but---toward the One who lives within you. Worship can be a simple loving gaze at the Holy Spirit dwelling inside.

I have always loved the concept of God being my refuge, my rock and my fortress.  This thought has been a comfort since my early days of faith.  But, now, I am realizing that that refuge that I always mentally pictured as slightly outside of myself---a place I run to; is, in fact, a refuge and a rock within my very spirit.

In me.  He is building a fortress of strength, a rock of His love, a foundation and a refuge that is within.  I don't have to run anywhere... I only have to acknowledge and turn my gaze inward.

Where does God live in me?  I don't exactly know.  But, I do know He lives and I know that He lives in me.  I want to learn to behold Him there and listen to His leading.   Teach me, Father, to know Your Presence and Your indwelling Spirit within my heart and my very body!  I am yours... possess me entirely, Holy Father.  

There He goes again... singing over me!

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No...  Really? 

No... that song can't really be for me.  Is it, Lord?

As I awoke from my short cat-nap... I woke up to a song.  My body was tired-- fighting some kind of sickness all week.  But, when I awoke, wafting like a gentle breeze across my brain, the song sang to me.  It sang and beautifully touched down gently into my heart.  It brought peace---it's beauty brought light.

I hadn't heard this song recently.  In fact, I haven't heard this song in quite a while.  Where did that come from?

Waking.  Listening.  Questioning.

Generally, I don't wake up with songs in my head.  Do you? Some people, I am told, often have songs bouncing and singing in their minds and hearts.  I don't.  Rarely, in fact.  Where did that come from?  

I had struggled all morning with irritating thoughts of insecurity.  Comparison.  I had laid my head down on the pillow for my nap with a significant annoyance at myself--- annoyance at my insecurities and comparisons.

And, when I awoke... I heard these words:  Love, you are lovely.  

Gentle words.  A gentle song.  Simply beautiful.  "Love, you are lovely.  You put the stars to shame."  

I knew the song immediately.  A love song entitled "Tonight", by JJ Heller, this is a song from a groom's heart.  He is singing to his bride on their wedding day. Or, is the bride singing to the groom?

A beautiful love song.  Tender.  Gentle and simply beautiful.

How funny... why this song, Lord?  

Love, you are lovely.   Still singing.  Still brooding over me, this song.  It sounds like an invitation.  An invitation.

No?!... No!  this song can't possibly really be for me.  From you, Lord?  

Love, you are lovely.  You put the stars to shame.  

Scripture teaches us.  Experience speaks to it.  Creation shows forth His deep love for us.  Why do we question it?  He loves His bride.   He delights in her.  He calls us His beloved.  He lavishes His love over her day and night.  He smiles at her.  And, sings over her.

But, still, somewhere inside I struggle to take it in.  Could He, really?  Could You really, Lord, love me this tenderly?  

Almighty God?  Loves me... this much!?  Can He possibly sing to me this beautiful love song?  Can He want to dance with me...  and delight in me so.  It is almost too much for me to take in at this very moment as I type.

The singing-song has dissipated now.  Other noises and thoughts and moments of life have carried it away.  But, the sense of His deep love still lingers.

I still listen.  And, question.  And, wonder.  And, I smile.  ...attempting to take it in.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3VIWqTDKNbw

You are my beloved and I am yours to keep.  Take my heart forever, You have captured me!

High and Low...Near and Far at the very same time...

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His Word brings such fullness to my life.  Meditating on the fact that God reigns over all the earth was very encouraging to my heart this morning.  I find it very calming to remember that He is from all eternity:  He has always been and always will be.  (Psalm 93:2)

In my world and in my life sometimes the smallest things can take on a life of their own... and they truly become too big and too overwhelming.   A mole-hill circumstance can feel a mountain in my heart.  Does this ever happen to you?

I can feel the heavy of this "to-do" or that situation.  I can feel the bubbling of worry, the tug at my heart to plan more---fix more---and control it all...

But, this morning as I read from God's word, I found the fact of His always-ness to be deeply comforting.  How many centuries of time has He seen?  How many wars, rumors of wars, and mountains has He witnessed? He has seen them all and He was before them!  ...none has shaken Him.  ...none of these have moved His eternal being.  He has always been and will always be seated secure on His throne.

I am blessed by this Truth...

And, yet, even as I reveled in this Truth this morning, I had this inkling that His Spirit wanted to say more to me on this subject...

Yes, I am high and lifted up, Stephanie.

Yes, I have always been.  Yes, I am firmly secure on my throne.  And, yet...  

I am the God-Who-Sees.  I am your El Roi.

I was reminded that God saw Hagar in the desert... (Genesis 16:13)
He saw one lonely, discarded, de-valued woman in the desert...  What a beautiful thought.

I was reminded this morning that God heard the cry of the boy in the desert... (Genesis 21:17)
He saw and He heard one lonely, dying boy.  What a thought!

He is the Almighty, robed in majesty and secure on His throne from the ancient of days... and, He is the God who sees.    This is, indeed, power and love living simultaneously in our One God.  Two truths are one united Truth:  He is powerful and loving.... He is both/and.  (Psalm 62:11-12)

My God reigns over all the earth.  And, my God sees me.  Today.  And, He sees you...

Meditating on this fact brings sweet encouragement to my heart.

Welcome to My World

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Most people live their lives as if God is very far away.   Sometimes I do, too.  Do you?

I have been thinking a lot about the concept of  Immanuel.   ...God with us.

I remember my Old Testament professor reminding us that the Immanuel idea:  "God with us" was not always a positive concept in Scripture.  Sometimes, in fact, it was terrifying.  There were times in the Bible where "God with us" meant judgement and wrath.

But, the promised Messiah would be different... at least His first coming would be.  With the Messiah would come the forgiveness of sins.  Jesus was given His name, "God saves", for a reason.  He would indeed be "God with us" in the best possible way and He would bring salvation when He came.    He would come in humility and love.  He would come with peace, goodness, and righteousness---blessing was being held out for all mankind to respond to.  This is the Father's heart made flesh in the Son's birth on earth.

Emmanuel.  God with us...  What a thought!  In these last few years this Truth has become more and more sweet to my soul.  He is with us!

He is with me!

But recently there has been another aspect of this idea bouncing around in my head.  It isn't just that God came down and took the form of man.  He did that, yes, indeed   And, that alone is amazing!  But, still more... after His death and Resurrection He sent His Spirit to dwell within us.  He would come and be within His bride--- those that welcome Him in.

Immanuel:  God within us.  The "God with us" is no longer an idea that is tenderly right next to me, or outside of me in any way.  He can't be far off.  He is inside me!  This God, my savior God,  is within us.   He is within me.

I was particularly struck with the immensity of this Truth as I sang the popular song, "Welcome to Our World" by Chris Rice.   The words, "So, wrap our injured flesh around you.  Breathe our air and walk our sod.  Rob our sin and make us holy", pierced my heart as I listened and sang.

It isn't just that the Word of God became flesh and dwelt among us.  He went even further than just being among us.  He sent His Spirit within.  He wrapped my injured flesh around Him.  He breathes my air and walks my sod.  He robbed my sin and is making me holy!

His Spirit dwells within me as I sit at this desk and type these words.  He walks my sod!  My shoes... my carpet... my stairs.  He knows me that intimately.  This is the God Immanuel that I am in awe of today.  This is advent for me today.

God within me.  He is that close.    Can He get any closer?

Cycles of Control

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There are lessons of heart that seem to cycle in and out like the tide.

Haven't we been here before, Lord?

On this blog, I haven't been shy to share about my issue with control.  Find your way to the subject "control" on the right and you will get a slew of posts...

In and out goes the tide on this lesson of control.

Have I learned things?  Yep.  Have I moved forward?  Yep.  And, back again?  Yep.  Ebb and flow.

One thing I would "love" to control... or at least I think I do, on one level, ...is faith.

I want to control faith.

My faith.  Your faith.  His faith and her faith.

...and somewhere deep within I "believe" that it is my fault that you don't believe.  Or, he doesn't believe.  Or, it is my fault that she is not further along in her journey.  Where does this come from, Lord?  Why do I feel this way?  Show me truth, I ask, Father.  

I talked with God about this very subject, yet again!, a few days ago.   I asked and I listened.  And, I asked again.   Instead of answers, I just felt confusion.  No response.  No whisper.  I just had brain-fog.

Why do I feel it is my fault, Lord?  Please, show me Your Thoughts about my heart... about control.  

Nothing.

So, in the early morning hours, I donned my warm jack, mud-stained boots and scarf and decided to go on a walk.  Fresh air.  I just needed to breath fresh air into my muddled soul.

As I walked... was it even 10 paces?... I had a light-filled thought waft across my mind:  you, Stephanie, are not the author and perfecter of faith.    

I am not the author.  I am not the perfecter.  It is not my job!  I don't own faith, or give it, or create it, or grow it.  I am not the author and perfecter of faith!!

Okay, I know this doesn't seem too terribly profound to any of you readers... and certainly this wasn't "new" to me either; but, it was BIG.  With these words, came a God-filled ebb that crashed over my brain and enlighten the eyes of my heart!

With this thought came the sweet ebb of release and the agitation subsided.

Oh yeah!  Lord, I don't have to author faith in him.  Or, in her.  And, I don't have to perfect faith in me.  Or, them.  That is your job! 

Yes, Stephanie.  I am the Author and Perfecter of faith... not you.  And, yes, we have been here before, my sweet girl.  

The Way Forward...

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At times there is a passionate fight within that rises up.  This passionate fight is very difficult to contend with, to be sure.   Like a young child in tantrum with balled-up fists, stamping her foot on the ground, so my heart seems to cry loudly, "No, I don't want to!!"  

I don't want to!
  
or, ...My way, my wants, my rights...  or, This IS the right way...  You're not doing it right... No, this is what I want!...
  
...these words become the language of my heart.

When I feel this rise within, I am often of two minds, really.  One part of me longs to be like Jesus--- to walk this journey of selflessness and humility.  Truly.  And, in those moments, I pray.  Yet, still, it seems the screaming tantrum drowns out the prayers.  The childish-Stephanie rears up and like a loud gong her cries cover my heart blocking out softness and gentle tones.  It truly feels like I simply cannot "win" against her--- this stamping-foot-selfish girl.

I know what I should do and yet, I do it not.  (Romans 7:14-25)

She screamed at me yesterday.

 There was something my husband wanted me to do.  A discussion.  A plan.  ...and, I simply didn't want to do it.  Oh! The battle raged within.  Not words, but feelings--- "I don't want to!"  "You can't make me!" yelled one side of me.  And, this side of me won.  Hands down, no contest victory.

My husband was gentle and humble of heart and he gave way.  I am sorry to admit this.  Deeply sorry.  But, it is the truth.  He walked the road of humility and offered much grace.  He walked the hard road with love as his guide.

This is what the Spirit of God whispered into my heart this morning, "the language of love".

"Oh!" my heart soared this morning as a bit of Light dawned on my mind, "The answer!"

I had been asking Father to show me how I walk this road of humility.  How do I take a step forward, Father?  His first answer given last week was to look at His son, to follow Jesus.  His second answer came today--- the language of love.

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Thank you Lord, for some light on my path!!  The pathway forward is love.

Love as the path.  Love as the shoes on your feet.  Love as the light shining forth your next step.  Love as the trusted cushion to shield your falls.  Love.

When my two children were young they threw tantrums.  A young child is bound to tantrum.  Mine certainly did.  And, I loved them through those tantrums.  But, love didn't mean "putting up with" the bad behavior---that wouldn't have been kind or helpful.  No, love meant discipline, training, punishment and often a non-responsiveness that discouraged the screaming fits of my two year old babies.  But, in love, we did indeed make our way through the selfish tantrums that both my children had.

So, this Lord, this is the way forward... love.   Look at Jesus, follow Him AND love.  

Today, I see a bit more clearly into this dark, hard road of humility.  I understand one more thing:  I can only walk it in Love, under Love, with Love and trusting Love.   Love is the only language that will drown out the ugly cries of my childish self and sin.

Passionate Love will crush that passionate fight within---these ugly tanturms.  Love will lead and release me into the beauty of humility.

Eternity Whispered

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There has been a quiet, misty-something happening within me lately.  I don't have great words for it.  It has been a soft whisper.  I have been barely able to hear what is being said...  deep within.

On Sunday, as I listened to God's Word being honored, taught and spoken from, I was reminded by His Spirit of the hope I have in Him alone (Hebrews 6:19).  As my brother shared his heart with the Body, there was a moment when the almost-silent, barely distinguishable Message slightly raised in volume and seemed to say to my soul:  Eternity.

Words that I hadn't been able to grasp for days... a theme rising.

Eternity, Stephanie.  
  
You see, I am a very temporary-minded girl.  Are you?  Today's dishes and laundry.  Today's plans and excursions.  Today's food and today's clothes. Today's ideas and to-dos.  Today's worries and excitements.  When tomorrow is thought about, it is still very earth bound and temporary in nature.  Tomorrow's dishes and laundry.  Tomorrows meals.  Plans.  Ideas.  and To-dos.  Tomorrow's worries and fears and excitements.  
  
He seems to be breathing something within me to remind my heart of tomorrow's tomorrow, somewhere beyond the temporary and earth bound thoughts...  He whispers an invitation to my heart to raise it's eyes and seek the light of a place with awe-filled hope and brimming contentment.  A place of beauty and rest.  A place of no tears, no pain and no worries.  No sin.
  
A place beyond me, beyond my ideas, my dreams or my excitements.  ...Eternity.
  
Look up and look out, Stephanie.  Gaze into eternity.  It begins today and looks forward to tomorrow---and tomorrow's tomorrow.  
  
Can you catch a glimpse of it's beginning today?  Can you just see it there in the distance, just around the corner... not far now, my friends.  Not far now.

"If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world."  ~C.S.Lewis