Wondering About Inheriting the Earth

I am wondering.  Rambling a bit...  

I am pondering...  Meekness.  

I am thinking about a kingdom that is upside down.  A kingdom that is entirely different to the natural ways of my mind and heart...  

I have been thinking about the climb up that is the descending way.  ...the way of our Jesus, gentle and humble of heart.  

I am wondering about a staircase down... 

Thinking about "further up and further in" that takes us downward and lower.  ...to think of others as more highly than ourselves.  

I have been praying on the idea of meekness, humility, abiding love that works in and through... and outward.  

What might it mean or look like if we, God's beloved, lived in and out of His love?  What might it look like if we were aware of our soul-poverty... hungry and thirsty for His righteousness? ...living as peacemakers?  What if I didn't judge...  what if you didn't condemn? What if you gave freely...  I forgave always... What if we loved mercy, as our Father loves mercy.  (Luke 6:20-42)

I am well aware that this meekness, humility, and abiding love is exactly that... abiding.  ...meaning it doesn't come from me; but, in and through me, from Him.  His love.  He blesses in order for us to be a blessing.  He fills us with good fruit... makes us good-trees...  to feed on and be fed on.  Receiving His love, living in it, soaking it in...  and then giving freely as I have been given.  

I believe the measure by which I know His love to, for and in me... is the measure to which I can even begin to live it outward toward others.  Known.  Felt.  Divine.  Spirit-led. 

But sometimes there is resistance in me to surrender and receive this love.  Why do I resist?  Why would I rebel against love?  Joy?  Peace?  Patience?  Kindness?  ...what in us fights this?  

The resistance and even rebellion that is in sometimes in my heart to give-way to God and to others... to forgive-first...  to step towards... to offer warmth and love.   Is it fear that makes me push a bit harder, to stay silent longer, to hold that grudge, to be right, to not forgive, to get justice for myself, to hold to my rights.... ?  Is it pride?  Or simply folly?  

Forgive this ramble...  

I am just wondering.   

Humble Heart by Jess Ray  

Hard Questions

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"Why?"... she stumbled to formulate her question.  Sweet girl.

 She asked, with hesitation, as if unsure of the appropriateness.  Maybe she was wondering, 'Can I even ask such a question?' ...

"Why... do you think... why, would God allow you to have this long term illness?  Is there something... anything... is there a 'reason'?  What has He shown you?"

What a question!  What a beautiful, honest, appropriate question.  
We ask it all the time, don't we?  Deep in our hearts, we wonder. We hesitate to ask.  Why, Lord?  We want to understand.  We want reason behind pain and suffering.   I have asked this question about many things through the years.  Sometimes, I get 'the answer' (or an answer) and sometimes I don't.  A hard question.  No easy-come answers, to be sure.

But, when this young gal asked (who has her own long-term illness with which she must wrestle), ... when she asked...  I had an answer.   I knew the answer.

It surprised me.

It came so quickly to my mind and so clearly to my heart... that I just knew.  I knew ---at least---one of the reasons He has allowed me to suffer with pain, weakness, and illness (in varying degrees) my whole life.

It is my kryptonite.  That was the thought.  A funny thought, right!?

I am ...as I truly believe we ALL are...  a gifted, competent, strong person.   I am super-girl.  This illness has given me a gift--a huge gift.  

My answer to her was simple:  It is my kryptonite.  It reminds me most days that I need God.  I desperately, desperately need Him.  I have weakness and that is okay...  I have a strong God!  

I believe that if I hadn't been allowed this suffering, I would have easily done life on my own. Entirely.

My pain and illness have been a key...  a pathway and a light along the path;   always leading me to my desperation for God.  Through the years of suffering, if I have 'learned' anything it would be my need of God:  as my Father, my Deliverer, my Provider, my Calm, my Shepherd, my Strength, and my Shield.  I, laughingly, admit that I can't even sleep without Him.  It's true.  I can't!

I have learned--- and continue to learn every day--- that His grace is truly sufficient.  (2 Corinthians 12:8-9)

After sharing this with my young friend, she said a profound thing,  "Wow.  That is almost the exact thought that has been growing in my heart these past weeks."  God has been answering her hard, awkward question, too.

Yes!  I am so glad you asked, sweet girl.

Remembering the Wisp of Time

While washing dishes, the music plays quietly in the background. Quiet songs.  Beautiful, gentle, peaceful; but, really, I barely take notice. Until, like a moment frozen in time, the words pierce through the myriad of thoughts in my head, "All flesh is like the grass.  The grass withers and fades.  The glory of man like a flower that shrivels in the sun and falls.  But, the Word of the Lord endures forever." (Fernando Ortega, taken from Isaiah 40).

The glory of man is like a flower...

I am listening.  Now, Lord, I am listening.  

While looking out my kitchen window at the fading tulips in my yard, I am listening.  Bowing and drooping and dying.   Their 'end' is clearly in the near future.

These tulips have been a joy to me these past weeks.  I have become a bit addicted in my looking at them from the kitchen window.  Planted with care, over the years we have lived here, they bloomed this Spring with gusto.  A parade of color!  They really have brought a great deal of pleasure, delight and praise.  He truly does make beautiful things.

But, they are now fading.  A whisper of time, really.  Didn't they just bloom yesterday?  Here today and then they will be gone.  Their splendor and vibrancy will be a memory.

God reminds me today that this is true about me, too.  This physical body, this tent, is just like these flowers or like the withering grass.  Life here on earth only a wisp of time... only the first few chapters in the book of reality and life.

But the Word of the Lord endures forever...

Keep My Ankle from Turning...

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I fell down a few weeks ago.

Not literally, but emotionally, I fell flat and felt buried in sadness and anger.

Strong and painful emotions raged within my mind and heart.  I was deeply sad and I was mad---very, very mad. But, the emotional pain of my tumble was only secondary to the excruciating pain which came in the aftermath---the aftershocks in my soul.  For days afterward, I was angry at myself for this fall.  The "beating up" began only moments after the fall.  Accusations were loud and intense:  How old are you, Stephanie?!  I thought you were better than this... stronger than this...  Is your faith even real?  Have you learned anything?  Who are you to teach?  ...to lead?  You are such a looser.  Where is your faith now?    The hissing lies from without and within were dark and heavy.    These words I was hearing brought only chaos and more anger... more sadness.  More dark.

Lies always bring darkness, shame and chaos.  Truth brings Light... and repentance...and peace.

Today I walk upright and sure.  Those angry voices are silenced and I am walking at peace with myself and with my God.  And, I am learning and re-learning new and old lessons as I ponder and pray and look back on what happened inside.

Maybe I will write later about how God "righted" me...  Or, why I believe (wrongly) that strong emotions or "falling apart" is cause for shame...  Those, and other lessons, are for another post.

For now, it was so good to be reminded of my vulnerability and my weakness.  I am vulnerable.  Every day. It was so healthy for me to find myself so in utter need of Jesus, ...just Jesus, to lift me from my fall.  And, He did.  He lifted my head and filled my mind with Truth.

I am finding that my prayers lately have shifted just slightly.  Where before I might have asked God to strengthen me, I am asking Him to be my strength.

I was reading yesterday and I was so struck by these beautiful verses, "You broaden the path beneath me, so that my ankle does not turn" (Psalm 18:36)

This.  This is the heart of my prayers recently.  Not that God would strengthen my ankles... but that He, Himself, would be my strength.  Asking that He would broaden my path and keep my ankle from turning. Psalm 18 begins with, "I love you, O Lord, my strength".

O Lord, my strength.  You alone are my rock and my defense.  You are my shield.    

A subtle shift has happened in my heart.  ...More dependence and more awareness of my need for Him every hour and every minute.

Hiking boots...humility...and a friend

Most days when I go for my morning walk in the fields, I am so very glad I have worn my hiking boots.  Returning home, they are caked in mud and have repelled what-seems gallons of water.  I am so grateful that I have a good pair of boots.  I need them here where I live, to be sure.  I am dependent on them for comfort and stability.

Dependence.

He visited our church last Sunday.  Following up on his experience, he responded, "I wouldn't go back.  I don't like how much they all depend on God."

He didn't like the dependence he saw.  It was off-putting and not attractive to him.

He isn't wrong.  His assessment is correct; even if, to my mind, his response is sad.  Christians are, by definition, "dependent" on God.

It is all about dependence.  It is all about surrender.  And, reliance.  And, a laying-it-down.

But, unlike this friend, my heart hears these words and with them comes an a feeling of invitation.  An invitation to forgiveness, to mercy, to rest, to freedom and to love.

I would argue that we are always dependent---whether we like to admit it or not.  It isn't really a choice to be dependent or not.  Am I alone in, simply, dependence on a morning coffee to keep away a headache?

We are, by nature, dependent beings.  We need things...food, water, air, ---just to start.  We depend on the laws of nature and we depend on our friends, our spouses and our parents.  We depend on boots to cover our feet in the muddy fields.

Dependence on God.  What do those word sound like to your ears?  Do they sound  like a "crutch" or a brace you don't like and don't want to hinder, squash or hold-you-back.  Or, does it sound like a good, sturdy, comfy pair of hiking boots---necessary, wise, and wonderfully freeing while walking this life's journey?

For me, I suppose, I am learning that dependence and submission---humility, really---are like these robust hiking boots.  Humility-boots that make the journey steady and straight; boots that allow for a variety of terrain and weather.

When describing the life Jesus lived on earth, Andrew Murray suggests that one main characteristic of Christ's life was exactly this:  dependence.  (Humility by Andrew Murray)

"By myself, I can do nothing.  I seek not to please myself but him who sent me." (John 5:30)

Murray simplifies true humility as being the "consent of the creature to let God be all, the surrender of itself to His working alone."

Jesus shows us this in His life on earth.  "He teaches us where true humility begins and finds its strength--in the knowledge that it is God who works all in all, that or place is to yield to Him in perfect resignation and dependence, in full consent to be and do nothing of ourselves."

"This life of entire self-abnegation, of absolute submission and dependence upon the Father's will, Christ found to be the source of perfect peace and joy."  ~Andrew Murray

Perfect peace and joy sound like comfort and strength to me.  What an invitation!  I suppose, in part, it is because I know the kind Father that issues this invitation to me.  I have met this Jesus, who shows us these things and says "come to me and I will give you rest for your souls!"

Although I can make my educated guesses, I don't truly understand why this is so off-putting to my friend.

But, what I do know is that I am so glad I have my hiking boots to put on when I go for my walk tomorrow! Unfortunately, I don't always choose to put them on---and then I come back with soaked, cold feet.  I do have a choice each day.

But, the fact is, I can always choose them---and it is a good, wise thing when I do.

Humble pie for dinner...

Sakes alive! am I prideful!

There is no two ways about it... I just am.

I had acted badly.  I had said mean things.  And, I knew it.  To make matters worse for me, it hadn't been hidden.  My family watched it---they had heard it.  My bad behavior was on display for my house to witness.

Simply put, I had behaved very badly.  And, there she was face-to-face, confronting me with my words and my attitudes.  My girl.  My sweet, sweet, growing girl.

Did it matter why I had acted so?  What she had done... what had happened...   Did it really matter what had lead to that bad behavior--- the place of pain from which I was reacting?  Not really.  No, not in that moment, it didn't.

She was confronting me with strength and passion, but with gentleness.  She was addressing my behavior, my words.  She spoke the truth and I knew it.  And, in that moment I had a choice.  We always have these moments of choice, don't we?  Which way will this go?  Which way will I take this?...

Justification.  Excuses.  Defensiveness.  Attack...

I didn't want to apologize.  I didn't want to say I was sorry.  A force to be reckoned with rose up within---my pride--- and I just wanted to be mean again.  I wanted to say more mean things and behave badly again.

I didn't really want this, of course.  And, I did want this---all at the same time.  (Romans 7:19)

Mercy.

That is all I have to say.  Have mercy on me, Lord Jesus.

And, He did have mercy.  I did choose wisdom in the moment.

I apologized to my sweet girl.  And, I did admit to my bad behavior---every last bit of it.

But, even as I ate the humble-pie that was being served, it tasted bitter in my mouth.  Oh!  the pride within!

Yet...
I will say--- it is a meal that sits well after it goes down.  Hard to swallow---yes--, it settles well and nourishes the soul.  Unlike a meal of meanness, anger, unforgiveness and rage... humility and mercy sit in my gut much better afterward.  This humble-pie fed me well tonight.

When the emotions had calmed and the forgiveness was given---and time moved me forward, I was so glad mercy won and I ate the humility dished out to me.

But, sakes alive!, am I prideful!

Tomato plants and me

I brought my seedling tomato plants home only a few weeks back.  I was very excited to venture into this brand new gardening experience and I have tenderly cared for my three plants.

Watering.  Feeding.  Supporting. Watching.  Waiting.

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It is almost silly how animated I have been when I see them grow, bud and thrive.   An inch taller and I celebrate!  They have a long way to go until they produce a harvest; but, I have every hope they will!   They aren't done growing yet.  But, I don't find myself frustrated with this... I find myself enjoying the growth.  Watching.  Anticipating.  Waiting.

On the contrary, I find myself utterly frustrated sometimes with the slowness of my personal growth...

Why am I not done yet?

As if I can just see beyond me:  I know what I could be, who I could become, Who He has made me to be--- and yet it is frustratingly out of my reach.  Beauty beyond my grasp---far down the path ahead.  

Andrew Murray reminds me that humility is not something you possess.  Instead, humility is something you become.  Even the title of Murray's book says it all, "Humility:  The Journey Toward Holiness".

A journey toward.  A moving forward.  A becoming.  And, so it goes for love, faithfulness, selflessness, gentleness, patience, and joy.  ...a becoming.

There aren't any  "10-easy-steps" to be found here, to be sure.

But, I want to be done.  I want to be complete and whole.  And, I want to be perfect.  What is it in me that longs so for perfection?

While snuggled into his gentle embrace, I asked my husband tonight, "I have asked Him (the Holy Spirit) to come in and take over!  I have surrendered.  I want Him to fill me and take over.  Why hasn't He, yet!? Why hasn't He taken over me."

He responded tenderly, "He isn't done because He doesn't want to take you over.  He wants to make you.  He wants you to be you--- the very best version of you, Stephanie.  And, that takes time."

Ah... humility isn't something I can get or possess.  I can't not have it one day and then just get it the next day--a done deal or snap of the finger.  It is something I become.

Becoming...

And, becoming takes time.

When I bought my tomato plants, they were in fact tomato plants.  Although you wouldn't know it from the size, the leaves, or the look... they were indeed tomato plants.  Or, at least, they were the raw material for the making of truly proper tomato plants.  And, now they are becoming ---not yet there---becoming budding, thriving tomato plants.  And, sometime soon, I hope, we shall actually see and enjoy tomatoes.  Then, they will be.

Can I allow myself the same journey toward becoming the best version of myself--- fruitful and thriving---the beauty God intended me to be?  Maybe someday soon we shall actually see and enjoy some humility--- I am hopeful!  And, in the meantime, I need to water and feed, support and wait...  watching.  Hoping...

That wall I keep running into...

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Mom, the only problem is... she says to me before going to bed.

Yep, sometimes the honesty of a thirteen year old girl says it all...  Kids do say the darnedest things!

Just last week, my sweet girl said to me, "I think God wants me to learn selflessness"

Wow, I thought, God is honing in on the same theme in both our lives...  

"That is really cool, sweet girl," I replied.

"Mom, the only problem is..."  she said with a genuine and curiously knowing smile..."that when I start thinking about being selfless, I immediately start thinking that others should be selfless, too!  And, I start to get mad because they aren't being selfless...and should be!!  They should be treating me selflessly, too!!" She threw herself back onto her pillow with slightly-mocked frustration and burst out laughing at herself.

Me, too, sweet girl!  Me, too.

We both laughed out loud at this irony.  Isn't it true, though?

God is honing in on pride in me--- pushing, prodding, and inviting me to something more beautiful, more holy  ---humility.  And, what is one of the results?  I start to see all the pride and selfishness magnified in my life.

Like a spotlight shining, I see a multitude of horribly prideful thoughts and actions in my life.  Recently, in answer to my prayers for humility, I have become keenly aware of the many prideful, selfish, and judgmental thoughts running around my tiny head!  At the same time, I also have become very aware of when others are being humble or selfless.  My senses are on high alert, it seems.  A torch light seems to be marking those humble moments brightly for me.

But, another result?... Just like my daughter, I have started to notice more acutely the pride magnified in others.  I see how they are prideful and selfish, too!  And then I begin to think, "They are so prideful!  They should be serving.  They should be humble, too!!"...and then, well, I am right back to being ridiculously prideful and self-centered once again.

Ah! The vicious cycle.  Round and round we go and I run smack dab into the wall of self.

C.S. Lewis did say, "Humility is not thinking less of your self.  It is thinking of yourself less."

The only problem is...

The Way Forward...

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At times there is a passionate fight within that rises up.  This passionate fight is very difficult to contend with, to be sure.   Like a young child in tantrum with balled-up fists, stamping her foot on the ground, so my heart seems to cry loudly, "No, I don't want to!!"  

I don't want to!
  
or, ...My way, my wants, my rights...  or, This IS the right way...  You're not doing it right... No, this is what I want!...
  
...these words become the language of my heart.

When I feel this rise within, I am often of two minds, really.  One part of me longs to be like Jesus--- to walk this journey of selflessness and humility.  Truly.  And, in those moments, I pray.  Yet, still, it seems the screaming tantrum drowns out the prayers.  The childish-Stephanie rears up and like a loud gong her cries cover my heart blocking out softness and gentle tones.  It truly feels like I simply cannot "win" against her--- this stamping-foot-selfish girl.

I know what I should do and yet, I do it not.  (Romans 7:14-25)

She screamed at me yesterday.

 There was something my husband wanted me to do.  A discussion.  A plan.  ...and, I simply didn't want to do it.  Oh! The battle raged within.  Not words, but feelings--- "I don't want to!"  "You can't make me!" yelled one side of me.  And, this side of me won.  Hands down, no contest victory.

My husband was gentle and humble of heart and he gave way.  I am sorry to admit this.  Deeply sorry.  But, it is the truth.  He walked the road of humility and offered much grace.  He walked the hard road with love as his guide.

This is what the Spirit of God whispered into my heart this morning, "the language of love".

"Oh!" my heart soared this morning as a bit of Light dawned on my mind, "The answer!"

I had been asking Father to show me how I walk this road of humility.  How do I take a step forward, Father?  His first answer given last week was to look at His son, to follow Jesus.  His second answer came today--- the language of love.

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Thank you Lord, for some light on my path!!  The pathway forward is love.

Love as the path.  Love as the shoes on your feet.  Love as the light shining forth your next step.  Love as the trusted cushion to shield your falls.  Love.

When my two children were young they threw tantrums.  A young child is bound to tantrum.  Mine certainly did.  And, I loved them through those tantrums.  But, love didn't mean "putting up with" the bad behavior---that wouldn't have been kind or helpful.  No, love meant discipline, training, punishment and often a non-responsiveness that discouraged the screaming fits of my two year old babies.  But, in love, we did indeed make our way through the selfish tantrums that both my children had.

So, this Lord, this is the way forward... love.   Look at Jesus, follow Him AND love.  

Today, I see a bit more clearly into this dark, hard road of humility.  I understand one more thing:  I can only walk it in Love, under Love, with Love and trusting Love.   Love is the only language that will drown out the ugly cries of my childish self and sin.

Passionate Love will crush that passionate fight within---these ugly tanturms.  Love will lead and release me into the beauty of humility.

A hard road...

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There is a road that I believe my Father is inviting me to walk on... one, I truly barely understand...one that intimates me and feels like a dark, almost-scary path.  
  
But, His invitations to this journey have become frequent and His whispers more intense.  I know it is where He wants me and so I must follow, mustn't I?  
  
This journey I speak of is a journey into humility and selflessness.  Humility.  
  
Isn't there a funny Christian motto often repeated, one that goes something like, "Never pray for 'patience' or 'humility'" Or, something akin to "be careful what you ask for... you just might get it"?  
  
A. W Tozer speaks of the "self-life" or the "labor or self" as one of the heaviest sins that veils our hearts and dampens our walks with God.  (Pursuit of God)   My self-life does weigh heavy over my eyes and my heart often!  
  
Andrew Murray, speaks of humility when worn by believers as being exceedingly  "beautiful" and "becoming".  (Humility)  I can instantly recall and picture the beauty I have witnessed "being worn" by humble believers I have known.  It is attractive!  

Thomas A. Kempis, shares that humility should be one of our first and foremost goals as believers in Jesus.  (The Imitation of Christ)  Is this the top of my prayer list--- my "asks" of God?
  
And, C.S. Lewis says that, "Humility is not thinking less of yourself, but of thinking of yourself less".
  
To think of myself less.  Hmmm....   That is very hard.  Very, very hard, indeed.    
I think of myself a lot.  All day, every day.  How can I break free from this body of death?!  (Romans 7:24)
  
But, I hear the sweet call from my Lord to follow Him on this road and to learn from Him.  "Come to me all who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble of heart, and you will find rest for your souls." (Matthew 11:29)
  
Rest for my soul... that is the end of this road to humility.  And, closeness to Jesus... this is the end of this journey into self-death.  
    
And, so I will respond and I will continue to ask Him to teach me.  Jesus I will take this road with you.  Please lead me and walk with me.  Be at my right, my left, above and below me.  Jesus, teach me humility and gentleness---straight from your heart to mine.  

A man can counterfeit love, he can coutnerfeit faith, he can coutnerfeit hope and all other graces, but it is very difficult to counterfeit humility.  ~D.L.Moody

Do you wish to rise? Begin by descending. You plan a tower that will pierce the clouds? Lay first the foundation of humility. - St. Augustine

So much to learn...

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I have so much to learn...

With a slight smile and a gleem in his eye, he begins to sing and dance around the kitchen. A silly, silly song.  Nonsense, really.  But, it brings a chuckle to my heart and a giggle rises up parting my lips to a smile.  I can't help but smile.  So, so goofy is my sweet boy.  Dancing and singing in the kitchen, while cleaning a cucumber for lunch.  Such joy!  Such fun.  And, he teaches me.

We all sit quietly side-by-side, hours of waiting, to process the renewal of passports.  In a room heaving with people, other applicants, I am annoyed and impatient.  She leans in, my sweet girl, and tells me that a woman behind me is about to break down in tears.  My sweet girl wants me to know so I, too, will pray for this woman---because she is praying.  She has been praying for those throughout the room whiles she waits.   And, she teaches me.

They sit and share the ins-and-outs of a difficult conversation last night.  Their future and livelihood are in jeopardy---ambiguity reigns in this circumstance.  But, they shares their deep and confident trust in God's provision.  They talk of the passion that wells up within them:   it is God's job to fix this---to lead and to provide... not mine, not theirs.  And, they teache me.

She doesn't comb her hair before she answers the door---a "bed head" mess from a quick afternoon nap.  And no makeup has touched those lips today.  And, yet she confidently, joyfully, and with out hesitation welcomes me in.  It is as if she is completely unaware of her outward appearance.  She rests in who she is and simple beauty exudes from her.  And, she teaches me.

We sit quietly next to each other, reading.  But, he just must share about what he is thinking as he reads.  He can't help but lean over and show me, engage me in the "discussion" that is going on in his head as he wrestles with the writer and her thoughts about God.  He questions and pokes.  He doesn't just read and take it in as I might do... he "talks" with the author and His God.  He prods and he argues.  It doesn't sit right.  "Something isn't right about what she is saying here," he says.  And, he teaches me.

She stops, while on her way, to answer my question.  A stupid question, really.  But, she stops in her tracks and gives me her time.  Her space.  Her heart.  She communicates with words and her eyes that I am her priority right now---as if she has all the time in the world.  I know she doesn't.  But, she gives of herself so freely, so naturally, so graciously.  And, she teaches me.

She writes with such vulnerability it almost hurts to read.  She allows me in as she shares her heart and pours out pain onto a computer screen.  She is weak.  She is faulty and fragile.  She is in need of God and doesn't care who knows.  And as I read her writing, she teaches me.

I have so much to learn today.
And, I have a world of people to learn it from.

My brothers and sisters are always teaching me, if I am ready, willing and able to see and hear.  They teach me.  And, today, I am aware I have much to learn.  So, I listen to his silly song and watch the gleem in his eye, the joy in his heart.  And, I learn a little today from this sweet boy.

I listen to her compassionate heart and ask the Lord to open mine.  And, I learn a bit more today.
They teach me.

Insecurity again... or, should I say... pride, again.

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I just naturally and generally think I am right.
  
In my gut somewhere, my opinion on a certain subject feels correct and right. It isn't that I don't question myself--- I do often.  And, I often feel insecure, as well.  Insecurity and pride are so closely linked, though, it is hard to separate the two.  Like friends in a vicious, spiraling, twisted up, co-dependent relationship so are arrogance and insecurity.
  
But, generally, I do feel right about a lot of things.  And, I judge.  I compare.  I am talking about my way of doing things, the values that I hold, the deep seated truths about how to do or to be...  in these things it is hard to see beyond self--- beyond Stephanie.
  
C.S. Lewis says, "Humility is not thinking less of yourself but thinking of yourself less." 
  
I think of me way too often.  I know it is ugly.  Ugly and twisted.  It sounds particularly horrid saying it out loud or to write it down, I know.  But, it is true.  Am I alone here?
  
Sunday morning I was struck with Christ's words, "learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart."  (Matthew 11:28-30)
  
Yesterday morning I read, "Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love." (Ephesians 4:1-2)
  
And this morning I read, "No matter how far we have moved in the Christian life, we can still know that every opinion we hold and every act we perform is something less than the best.  We never have the Holy Spirit in our pockets, completely domesticated and supporting everything we are doing." ~Harvey Seifert, Liberation and Life 
  
Three days, three separate places...  is there a theme here for me, Lord?  (smile)
  
So, I wonder today if it is time (again) to pick up that classic, deeply challenging book by Andrew Murray, Humility.  
  
Is it time, again, Lord to delve into my pride, self righteousness and my self centeredness?  That is never a fun journey, I might say!
  
But, how can I resist the sweet invitation from my Jesus as He says to me, "Come to me!"  "Learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble of heart."  For with this invitation comes a beautiful promise, "and I will give you rest for your souls."
  
Pride and Insecurity takes their toll on a soul.  Self righteousness and self centeredness are tiring and bring exhaustion to the spirit.  Jesus offers Himself and He offers rest.  Teach me Jesus.  Teach me to be gentle and humble of heart.  

A Talkin' To

photo source

We need guidance.  We need someone to show us the way from time to time.  Somtimes we just need a talkin' to.   We need a good 'ol in-your-face talkin' to from those we who love us and those we love. 

We do it as parents, don't we?  I do it.  My husband does it.  He and I give our "talks" very differently, to be sure; but, none-the-less, it is the loving thing to do.  To sit them down (our kids), get face to face and tell them how it really is.  We need to show them where they are going wrong and point them in the right direction. This is simple, beautiful discipline and training. 

God is no different.  And, yesterday, I got a good 'ol talkin' to. 

Gentleness and kindness surrounded the "talk".  His lecture was wrapped in His goodness and His love; but, it is painful even so.  Who likes to get a talkin' to? 

He spoke to me about my pride. 

Ugly and damaging, my pride.  He spoke to me about my "self-life".  And, He did this using a good friend (one I have never met), A.W. Tozer in the Pursuit of God,

"What is the veil that it shutting out the light and hiding the face of God from us.  It is the close-woven veil of the self-life... it is not too mysterious, this opaque veil, nor is it hard to identify.  We have but to look in our own hearts and we shall see it there, sewn and patched and repaired it may be, but there nevertheless, an enemy to our lives and an effective block to our spiritual progress.  It is not a beautiful thing and it is not a thing about which we commonly care to talk, but I am addressing the thristy souls who are determined to follow God...  To be specific, the self-sins are these:  self-righteousness, self-admiration, self-love, [self-pity and selfishness] and a host of others like them."

The interesting thing is that as I read this chapter and thought on God's words to my heart, I instantly found myself trying to "fix it" in me.  Deep within, I was calculating how I could become less prideful, less self-centered, less self-righteous... 

Do you see it?  Do you see that right there in the very moment of conviction I was running back to self.  My plans.  My ways.  My fixes. 

At least my heart caught it this time!  Thank you, Spirit of God!

The dawning of His Spirit brought these words to mind, "I can do nothing...  without the Father".  (John 5:19)

 Then, Thomas a Kempis, has some words for me, as well.  He agrees and joins in with God's discipline: "Rest not upon thyself, but build thy hope in God.  Do only what lieth in your power and God will help thy good intent.  The poor and lowly of heart abide in the multitude of peace.  The man who is not yet wholly dead to self is soon tempted, and is overcome in small and trifiling matters."

And, to top it off, this joint intervention comes back to Tozer, instructing me with, "God must do everything for us. Our part is to yield and trust."

There it is again... that word!!  Trust.  Will I ever learn it, Father? 

Trust breaks down pride and self.  Trust is the rock on which humility is built. 

I have so much to learn.  I am so glad He never gives up on me and keeps talkin' to me! 

Open my eyes to see You and know You as You really are.  Open my ears.  Grow my faith and teach me to trust You.  Enlarge my soul to understand, to know, to perceive.  Strengthen my mind to grasp You.  You alone.  Jesus, work Yourself in me!  You in me.  Me-dead and the real alive in You. 

It is very sweet to know that we are not alone on our road toward and with God.  This post from another friend, (I have never met ---smile), propelled me to write down today's small jot from my journey to know Him more.  I would highly recommending popping over to her site:  You are My Girls. 

Nothing to say

I haven't written, or posted, much these past few days because... well, simply put, ... I don't have much to give. I don't have much to say. Or, maybe more accurately, I don't have words to explain what I might want to say...

I have nothing to give. Or, at least, not much of anything.

As we have had a houseful of guests, this has been an on-going thought recently. Reoccurring very often, actually.

I don't really have anything to give her, ... or him, ... or them.

As I have sat with friends, talked with mentors, spoken with disciples, or listened to family... I just keep thinking, I got nothin'

Now, please, let me add a big caveat here... this thought hasn't been a negative one. And, as far as I can tell, it isn't stemming from insecurity or false humility. It really has been quite sweet. In fact, it feels... well, it feels true. And, it feels okay. True and okay.

Like Peter in Acts 3, I find myself saying, "Silver or gold I do not have, but what I have I give you." I find myself saying (or my heart whispering)...

"Wisdom and knowledge I do not have, but what I have I give you."

"Advice and counsel I do not have, but what I have I give you."

"Healing and miracles I do not have, but what I have I give you."

My heart's reply to the stories, the hurt, the shared emotions, the questions of life, the victories and triumphs, and the confusion that is lavished on me by friends... this heart's reply is simply... I have not.

...But what I do have, I give you.

I can smile at you. I can hug you. I can ask you questions and listen. I can cry with you and I can pray for you. I can cook you dinner and pour you coffee. I can laugh with you and get angry with you. And, I can write a blog post from time to time.

It isn't much... but what I have I give you.

Reading tonight on a favorite blog, I read a beautiful post reflecting on the parable told in Luke 11. In this story a man is visited by a friend in the dead of night. When the man realizes he has nothing to serve his guest he runs to his neighbor's house. The man knocks, pleads and says with passion to his neighbor, "I have nothing!"

And, the neighbor gives the man bread.

This blog post reflects on the truth that "I am the servant, not the source". And, this stirred my heart. This, this!, has been the sweet message to my heart these past months.

Yes, Stephanie! Yes, you have nothing in and of yourself. Nothing. But, in Me, you have ALL. In My Love, You have abundance, my daughter. So, my lovely, give from that abundance and keep giving liberally!

So, I write tonight with nothing much to say... but, what I do have, I give you.

What do you do?

What do you do? This is such a common question. It sits on the common-question-shelf with Where do you live? and How are you? We ask it without thinking, really. We generally ask and respond rather automatically to these questions, don't we?

What do you do? I was asked this the other day a fresh... I had a hard time answering the inquiry.

I find myself struggling when people ask me this every-day question? "So, what do you do?" they might say casually. Or, "What does your husband do?" When asked, I feel a distinct lag in my response... as if I don't really know how to answer. I stammer and stutter and try to explain what I do.

This morning I began thinking again about this question when reading 2 Corinthians 3-6. Paul talks about his ministry (4:1) (what he does). He describes it as "being transformed" or being changed into the likeness of Christ for God's glory (3:18). Paul explains that this ministry "comes from the Lord". Later in chapter 4, Paul describes what he preaches (or what he does) as simply talking about Jesus, his boss.

Can you just picture it? While buying bread at the local bazaar, trader-man 'Jo' asks Paul, "what do you do?" What might he say? How would he respond? Would Paul say, "I am transformed by God. And, I talk about His son, Jesus, my master"? It makes me smile to think of the scenario.

In later portions of 2 Corinthians 4, Paul continues to expound on this ministry... the glory of God changing us to be more like Jesus... and says His glory is given to clay pots. "Paul, what do you do?" "O, I'm just a clay pot. I am a jar made of mud and clay... filled up with God and shining forth His glory from all my cracks and holes." I wonder what tradesman 'Jo' would think about that response!

Yesterday, as part of my ministry day, I sat and listened, and talked, and prayed with a few women. I "journeyed" with them for an hour or so. I continue journeying with them today as I pray. As I spoke with these ladies, I distinctly thought, what in the world am I doing here? I really have nothing to give these woman, these dear ones who love Jesus so well. What am I really offering them?

What do I offer? Not much, really. I show up. I sit there. I pray. I offer myself... That's all. ...sorta clay-pottish, you might say.

So, I guess if I had the courage to respond honestly to that infamous question of "Stephanie, what do you do?" I might simply have to say, "well, not much really... I just sit here and try to get to know God better." But, I must add, "But, God, He does a ton! He is always at work... and once in a while He chooses to use me, to shine through me, to speak through me, ... and that is sweet. I don't do much. But, He does a lot!"

O kind Father, would you continue to use this dirty, broken clay pot. Would you enlarge my capacity to be filled by your Spirit, to know You Father, and to speak of You, Jesus? I don't do much, I know. But, all I am..., all I do..., I want to do for Your glory! Be glorified in me!

Humility and How I Achieved It:10 Easy Steps

We have an ongoing joke in our home (one even my 11 year old daughter is now using!). When you say something that sounds ridiculously prideful (or the minute you realized you just did)... you know, that "I know it all" or "I am always right" type comment... your following comment might be, "And, you know I am about to publish my next book entitled, The 10 Easy Steps to Humility and How I Achieved It." After the book comment, everyone will chuckle and ignore the fact that you just sounded like an arrogant snob in your previous statement.

Humility... how do you even write about it.

Years back I read a fascinating article on humility that did assert steps to achieving it. It was written by St. Theresa of Avila in the 16th century. I can no longer find the document, but I distinctly remember the first step. I remember the first one it because it was so very challenging... and I couldn't (didn't) do it at the time. In step one, she suggested you genuinely befriend the most difficult person you know. At that time in my life there was a woman that I had trouble being in the same room with... she was that difficult for me to be around. Befriend her... ??

Ah... but here is the rub. True humility in my heart would allow me to see this woman as higher than myself. When showing us a picture of the humble God-man, Jesus, Paul in Philippians tells us to "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves." So, if I was able to truly see this difficult woman as better than myself, then I could easily befriend her. And, thus the challenge of Theresa's list... and why I had to stop at step #1. I wonder how I would fair now, 10 years later, with that same list. Could I attempt step #1 and achieve it now? Have I changed, grown, or been strengthened in my humility?

I shared with my family this morning this verse that has been bumping around in my head, "consider others better than yourself". My sweet daughter blurted out, "Oh! I like that verse"... and then she paused and said with a slight grin, "Well, at least I like it when others live it out and think of me as better then themselves!" We all laughed and then she said, "and now for my book, The 5 Easy Steps to Humility and How I Got There". The laughter continued as we all felt the challenge of her words. Yep, me too, sweet girl. Me, too. I, too, like it when others live it out...

Oh the pride in our hearts! Oh the pride in my own heart... so deep and so thoroughly ingrained in my make up.

Scripture does give us some help and direction toward humility. There are "steps" of sorts, aren't there? Step one might be "consider others as more important than yourself" and step two, "Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment" (Romans 12). What might it look like to think of myself with sober judgement? The Greek phrase used in this passage apparently means to think of your self rightly, or from a state of a right mind. Humility step #2 might mean that I know who I am... rightly. Not higher. Not lower. For pride can take both forms: arrogance and self-abasement... both are turned looking inward and selfish or self-centered.

I read a quote this morning that started this pondering, this wandering journey in my head and heart: "If you are humble, nothing will touch you, neither praise nor disgrace, because you know what you are." (Mother Teresa) It seems to be a theme, of sorts, when dealing with the issue of humility. ...to know what you are. ...to know who you are.

I am most certainly touched by praise and disgrace--- profoundly touched at times.

Is this the quality that marked Jesus with humility? He certainly was untouched by the praise and the disgrace. Was it simply that He knew who He was, what He was, who His Father was...?

So, I won't be writing a book anytime soon on humility, to be sure! And, my family will laugh with me as I stumble around making prideful statements. And, I will internally contend with the selfish turn of my heart. But, oh, how I want to change... Oh! how I want to learn from my friend, Jesus.

So much to learn, Lord. So far to go! Teach me, Lord, I ask.

The Balance: Worm Princess

We sang the words "meekness and majesty" this morning and my heart was full of worship. This God we serve! my heart sang. This friend Jesus, my dear friend. He was both meekness and majesty. He had perfect balance. "In perfect harmony", the hymn reminds us.

Me, myself and I are not so easily 'in harmony'. I find myself on one end of the spectrum... beating myself up, discouraged and disappointed with myself on the one side. I am prideful, judgemental, arrogant and/or self sufficient on the other side. I am meekness OR majesty. But I don't know both. Jesus did.

I think Father wants me to learn them both. He wants me to know that I am dearly loved, chosen before the foundation of the earth. He wants me to know that I have been given His mind and gifts from His Spirit.

And, He wants me to know that I am nothing without Him. He wants me to know that I can do nothing without Him. I am but dust. He wants me to remember surrender, humility, grace and mercy. He wants me to remember where I came from and what I would be without Him. And at the same time He wants me to know who I am now and what I am with Him. The balance of meekness AND majesty.

What is man, Lord, that you are mindful of him... like the grass, here to day and gone tomorrow; and yet, You loves us with a passionate, lavished love and chose us to be Your own.

Do not be afraid, O worm Jacob, O little Israel, for I myself will help you," declares the Lord, your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel. (Is. 41: 14).

Do not be afraid, O worm Stephanie, O little girl, for I myself will help you. A worm helped by an Almighty, loving Father!

We are children of the King. Princes and Princess. Like the classic frog prince, I am worm princess. One kiss from the Prince of Peace and I am changed. Majestic... but remembering what I once was... a worm.

Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:

Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death- even death on a cross!
Therefore God exalted him to the highest place and gave him the name that is above every name, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.

Jesus knew the balance. May I learn from Him.

Meekness and Majesty

Words and Music: Graham Kendrick

Meekness and majesty, manhood and Deity,

In perfect harmony, the Man who is God.

Lord of eternity dwells in humanity;

Kneels in humility and washes our feet.

O what a mystery, meekness and majesty;

Bow down and worship, for this is your God.

For this is your God