My kryptonite is "making mistakes" or "doing it wrong"*.
I know, to some personalities, this sounds absurd... "We all make mistakes", you might say. All the time everyone makes mistakes, right? But, for me, even the smallest of mistakes can bring a shame storm of hurricane proportions which ravages my soul.
Other personalities have other kryptonite... for some its vulnerability or powerlessness. For others, their weak spot is being misunderstood, or a broken relationship, or conflict. My kryptonite is doing it wrong.
Like Superman, the moment I become aware of my misstep, my soul begins to writhe in pain and I struggle for strength or breath. Like a green death rock, the mistake is chained around my neck and I can hardly think straight. I know this sounds overly dramatic. ...but, it really isn't. Do you know that feeling of shame? The hot pouring shame that makes you shake inside and out... call it embarrassment, call it guilt, call it anger (it looks so many shades of green). Shame seems to take over, ransacking the limbic system of our brain and shutting down the prefrontal cortex that helps us to think rightly!
Whatever your kryptonite is... whatever triggers the shame for you, we all know that hot, breathless place where we either want to fight, freeze or fly away. In the midst, you just want to disappear... "crawl into bed and pull the covers over my head... go to sleep and never wake up" (exactly how I used to describe it as a teenager).
Well, yes... I do make mistakes all the time... just like everyone else! And recently, to add insult to injury, I have been making a lot of mistakes. I mean, a lot. From small, "nothing" mistakes... to pretty big, significant mistakes... I have been tripping over my own two feet for a few weeks now.
The last mistake was five keys off the right note--- singing in front of a group of people at our town's Open Mic night (another effort in my life to be brave and have fun). We had planned the song in one key... but, printed the song sheets in a totally (5 key different!) key. Hmmm... Yeah, it didn't go so well, as you can imagine.
After sitting down, I could feel the hot shame-filled bucket pour over my head. I began to shake. Anger. Tears welling. I wanted to disappear... run away, hide under that table. All I could think was "Never again!!" Never. Never. Again. I won't put myself in this position again. THIS is what brave brings! Never!
The storm lasted in and out through the whole evening, following me into my restless sleeping. Tossing in the night, I would awake and literally put my hands over my face--- hiding from whom exactly?!? Myself. God? Tossing and turning, I would groan.
I do understand that for some of you reading this, you may think it a bit odd... why would the wrong note sung in a song bring such pain? But, weren't we all a bit confused and watched in disbelief when Lex Luthor would chain up Superman with a green rock! What? Come on, Superman, it's just a glowing green rock!
Remember, mistakes are my kryptonite.
In the midst of it all, and through the whole night, here and there I also became aware of a still, very small voice that whispered an invitation. I remember barely hearing its faint words... and almost completely ignoring it... just as I sat down. After the song finished and I sat---right as the bucket of shame splashed around me at the table when I sat down, I heard it. It was so quiet. Almost in the distance...
A still small whisper... There is another way.
Stephanie, there is another way.
As I have been prayerfully processing my weeks of wrongs and my discomfort, I have been asking Father about this other way. Is it another way to sit in or feel shame? Is it another way to respond entirely to mistakes or doing wrong? What is the other way, Lord?
I am certain the answer isn't that I won't have kryptonite----or any weakness. (Although that would be fabulous!) For, I know, in my weakness, He is strong! So, nope... perfection isn't an option. (Dang it!)
Now, I am asking God to continue to show me the other way of reacting or a new way of seeing Mr. Luthor... What is the other way, Lord, while the kryptonite is being chained around my neck?
Just for fun... have a gander at the clip of old---bring back childhood memories: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OkSaAhbceBk *For those who know the Enneagram tool, I am a One.
There are days when God feels very far away. Or, maybe I might say my relationship with Him isn't great---isn't close.
In the Kazakh language, when translating the common Biblical phrase "in Christ", the term "tightly bound together with Christ" was used.
We know that this closeness... this depth of relationship is available. But, sometimes it feels far away---out of reach.
I am realizing that on those days---or in those seasons---in reality, it is me who is very far away. As trite as it can sound, it is not that God has moved or changed. It is me who is far away. And, in truth, I am not 'far away from God'--- He is ever close. In fact, I am far from me.
In these moments, it isn't that I can't find God. It is that I can't find myself.
I have been wandering for days and nights recently in the feeling of "far away". David's Psalms bouncing through my head, "Where are you, O God!? Why are you far from me? Will you remain distant forever, angry at me forever?"...these words ringing in my ears through the watches of the night, I have been tossed and turned with angst and exhaustion.
Realization hit today, though, as I finally sat long enough to ask the heart question of myself, "Where are you, O Stephanie?"
Where are you...
God asks that of Adam and Eve those first fitful, painful, disastrous moments in recorded time.
Where are you, O Stephanie?
Given time, pen and paper, a bit of quiet, and a reluctantly-willing heart, I sat and asked myself the very question that God asked Adam.
The answer wasn't pretty. I, too, was hiding. Hiding in shame. Angry at myself for sin and choices to run away. I was tired. I was sad... profoundly sad. Under the anger sat frustration, embarrassment, worry, fear, hurt, insecurity, sadness, judgment, and pain.
While this may sound over-dramatic, I truly believe these are the feelings of every day life: Everyone's every day life. I just think we are really good at hiding from ourselves.
After prayerfully listening, to the best of my vulnerability, to my heart and asking where I was... I sat for another moment. And, the thought dawned on me...
You O Lord, where are you? The same place I have always been. I am. Here. Creator. Sustainer. Redeemer. Rock. Alpha and Omega. I am Under...Over...In...you. I am. I am Love.
I used to feel that God would move far away or I couldn't find Him. But, I am most certainly the one who moves... I so easily move away from myself, from others, and ultimately from Him.
I have heard this trite saying, too... many times. But, today, I experienced Him walking in my garden with me and asking me to stop and answer the age old question... Where are you?
I get angry. Sometimes I get really angry... and I throw a two-year-old tantrum. This morning was one of those mornings. In one silly moment, I quite literally held my fists in a ball and threw my head back with a loud "UUUGGHHH!"
Funnily, the healthier I have gotten as a person, the louder these 'outbursts' have become. Weird. I know. But, true, none-the-less. You see, for most of my life, my anger just seethed and simmered. Undetected by most. But very real to me. And, now, I am more aware of it's presence and I am more comfortable verbalizing how I am feeling. My family is getting used to me saying, "I am feeling angry right now." I don't feel I have to hide or pretend or be other than I am... angry, at that particular moment.
It isn't that my anger is good or righteous. Very, very rarely is that the case. This morning it was utter frustration with a rather trite matter... It was unrighteous and unhelpful, really. I was simply irritable, annoyed and impatient. And, therefore, angry.
After my toddler-tantrum this morning, I felt very unsettled. The tantrum brought no peace. In fact, in it's wake came more anger. Now, I was angry at myself for my bad behavior. It is good to be aware. The outburst didn't help; but, the awareness did. I could have seethed again... dug deep, pushed down the fresh anger and felt a day of shame. I didn't. I told God I was frustrated. I told Him I was angry at myself and my response. I asked Him for grace and forgiveness.
Praying my way through the morning... asking God what His thoughts were... I think I might have heard His whisper... "The Kingdom of God is within you" (Luke 17:21) The Kingdom of God... Jesus's Kingdom of Peace and Light. Refuge and Strength
Tender words. These words wafted over my mind and I was reminded of the indwelling of the Spirit of God within me. His Kingdom within... around... in the midst.
It was a sweet reminder that I have a place to run to when frustrated and irritable. I have refuge within and around me... My Rock. When I am unsteady and impatient... I can turn and run inward to this place of peace---running to the Spirit of God within me. He holds and carries and contains and fills.
A frustrated two year old has a choice. I know because I have had two of them. I distinctly remember saying to my two year old child, "Are you frustrated? I see you are very frustrated... Come here. Let me help you. Let me hold you." When they chose refuge in my arms, they would find peace and calm and ...help.
I don't have to seethe and push it down. I can acknowledge the true emotion. I also don't have to outburst in rage. In my anger, I don't have to sin. I have another option. I have the Kingdom of God within me! I can take these raw and real emotions and run into a stable and constant place of peace... getting a hug and help. I can confess and be made right... I have big, beautiful arms to run into. Right in that moment.
Not literally, but emotionally, I fell flat and felt buried in sadness and anger.
Strong and painful emotions raged within my mind and heart. I was deeply sad and I was mad---very, very mad. But, the emotional pain of my tumble was only secondary to the excruciating pain which came in the aftermath---the aftershocks in my soul. For days afterward, I was angry at myself for this fall. The "beating up" began only moments after the fall. Accusations were loud and intense: How old are you, Stephanie?! I thought you were better than this... stronger than this... Is your faith even real? Have you learned anything? Who are you to teach? ...to lead? You are such a looser. Where is your faith now? The hissing lies from without and within were dark and heavy. These words I was hearing brought only chaos and more anger... more sadness. More dark.
Lies always bring darkness, shame and chaos. Truth brings Light... and repentance...and peace.
Today I walk upright and sure. Those angry voices are silenced and I am walking at peace with myself and with my God. And, I am learning and re-learning new and old lessons as I ponder and pray and look back on what happened inside.
Maybe I will write later about how God "righted" me... Or, why I believe (wrongly) that strong emotions or "falling apart" is cause for shame... Those, and other lessons, are for another post.
For now, it was so good to be reminded of my vulnerability and my weakness. I am vulnerable. Every day. It was so healthy for me to find myself so in utter need of Jesus, ...just Jesus, to lift me from my fall. And, He did. He lifted my head and filled my mind with Truth.
I am finding that my prayers lately have shifted just slightly. Where before I might have asked God to strengthen me, I am asking Him to be my strength.
I was reading yesterday and I was so struck by these beautiful verses, "You broaden the path beneath me, so that my ankle does not turn" (Psalm 18:36)
This. This is the heart of my prayers recently. Not that God would strengthen my ankles... but that He, Himself, would be my strength. Asking that He would broaden my path and keep my ankle from turning. Psalm 18 begins with, "I love you, O Lord, my strength".
O Lord, my strength. You alone are my rock and my defense. You are my shield.
A subtle shift has happened in my heart. ...More dependence and more awareness of my need for Him every hour and every minute.
My sweet girl... She was still angry this morning. Very angry.
Months and months ago she had been hurt by someone. At the time, this hurt had felt like an injustice and a misuse of power. It had made her angry then; but, the anger had subsided and we had moved on.
Or, so I thought.
Randomly, the topic came up this morning. Her mind and heart were reminded and from nowhere (or so it seemed) came the torrent of frustration, hurt and anger.
It is amazing what can remain alive in our hearts. In an instant, she was remembering and angry again. Very angry. This wound had sat and stewed inside for months...
As she shared her heart, I embraced her and listened to her. I validated the pain, the hurt and her frustration. I, too, would feel the very same way, I told her.
As she calmed a bit, I asked her if she had forgiven this person. Not surprisingly, she said, "no". She wasn't sure she wanted to. This is hard!
Oh! how I can relate!
He was wrong. He had misjudged and hurt her. It was unfair!
I agreed again. Yes, he was wrong. Yes, it was unfair. And... And,...yet was she still willing to forgive him? She didn't want to. She really didn't want to! Tenseness and anger began to rise.
Gently, I suggested she ask Jesus for help.
Our brother, Jesus, knows very well what it was to be hurt, to be judged unfairly, and to be wronged. And, yet, He forgave.
He forgives.
He knows how and can help her even now. And, quietly I mentioned, aren't you glad He forgave even when it was hard. When you didn't deserve it! Her tense body seemed to melt in my arms at the thought. Yes! Yes! I could hear her spirit agreeing with the gratefulness of my spirit--the joy of our salvation!
I am so glad He forgave when He was so very wronged.
She decided to forgive today. And, she decided to bless. She prayed blessing over him and I watched her anger subsided. I watched peace come and joy replace tense frustration. I watched beauty and calm fill her.
Yes, my sweet, darling girl... forgiveness IS hard! But, we can learn. And, oh!, what a wonderful gift.
Tired. Head bowed, heart heavy, I came to Him this morning asking for mercy.
And He gave it!
Claiming the blood of Jesus over my sin, my weakness and my pain, I can receive grace and mercy. He offers me new mercy. Today's portion.... fresh and new mercy!
New every morning, His Word tells me. Imagine that! Mercy that never runs out. Fresh mercy that is always available.
Walking away from my quiet time with a heart thankful and filled, I began washing the morning dishes.
While my hands were deep in lovely warm, sudsy water, I heard the news.
With a heart still warm from mercy and hands warm from washing dishes, I heard that my friend made choices yesterday that just stink! Bad choices. And I felt angry at her choices. Knowing these choices hurt her, instant anger filled me. Frustration. I just felt mad at her!
Anger filled my soul and my mind reeled with all the angry words about her behavior. How could she do that again?!
Would she ever stop? Would these bad choices ever end? I ranted and raved internally for a moment longer until I remembered. Mercy.
Mercy, Stephanie. This is what I gave you this morning. Can you give it to her mercy?
It had been a bit hard to receive from Father God this morning; but,now it was even harder to give.
Love mercy. Verses from God's Word jumping at me from the sudsy soapy water I was washing in...
Head bowed and heart heavy, I decided to give mercy. With a cry for help from my Ever-Faithful, Ever-Giving Father, I decided to offer a portion of the mercy I had received just this morning.
I need it every morning. ...and so does she.
Yes, I can give mercy. With Your help, Father, I can offer grace!
#872. My boy praying for me without being asked to..
873. His word comes alive!
874. Sweet team meeting
875. Deep, uninterrupted sleep
876. Scripture repeats
880. Dancing in the kitchen with my girl.
881. Sunshine and rain at the same time!
882. New friends---good conversation.
883. New, fresh mercy received and given.
Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. Lam. 3:22-23
I sometimes forget how angry He can be. I forget about His wrath.
This morning His angry voice and wrathful actions on the pages of Scripture stopped me in my tracks.
Early in my Christian experience, His anger and wrath were hard to escape. I easily feared the Lord and feared an image of "an angry God" that looked a lot like an unholy father's anger that was unleashed. I felt like God was always angry at me and ready to burst with wrath. It wasn't a right picture. It wasn't Truth. It wasn't God.
In those early days of faith, I had deep difficulty accepting His boundless love and mercy. I often struggled with images of this angry, wrathful and vengeful God. His voice in Scripture in those early years sounded angry to me... even His earthly voice through Jesus. I heard angry tones in His voice.
This is not so now.
My heavenly Father has pursued me so faithfully with His love! The work He has done in my heart is amazing! Truly. Through the years He has run after me. He has showered me with love. Showered! His theme of love and gentle, merciful pursuit has been amazing beyond words and so significantly steadfast. So, that, ...well, now... I simply know He loves me. I know this truth deep within and around me. It is a real knowledge that has been years in the making. He is love. God is love. My Father is love. And, I know this.
But, I forget that He is also a God of justice and wrath. He is a jealous God. My Father has a righteous and holy temper that is also a significant part of His beautiful complexity.
He reminded me of this truth in the early morning hours today.
Reading in Ezekiel, I heard His angry voice. His voice was downright mad! He is angry, deeply angry at His people. And, He is punishing them... His people, His kids, His loved-ones. He is inflicting harsh, difficult and painful punishment. God, Himself, is commanding death and vengeance. Let's not forget this. It isn't only an Old Testament story... Acts and Revelations reveal this piece of God's character more than we like to note.
So, wrapped warmly up in the blanket of His love, I need to remember His justice and His anger. Just as my children sit calmly, without fear, on my lap or their Dad's lap, they do know that we get angry. The anger does not define our relationship and it certainly isn't the whole of my character. (That said, I am FAR from holiness and my anger is NOT always righteous. Righteousness and Purity are part of His very nature as well, and always true about my Heavenly Father and His anger... a clear and important distinction, to be sure!)
But, my children know that I can get angry and they know that often with my anger comes discipline and punishment. Lord willing, and by His grace alone, this anger is righteous in nature and so, therefore, is the discipline. This is an important part of our relationship--- my kids and I. They need to know my love, my pursuit, my grace, and my wrath. That is true and complete parenting, I believe.
We need to remember!
The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom.
Be wise, my son and daughter. Be wise, Stephanie and remember WHO your Father is, Who He really is in His complexity and entirety.
In Ezekiel there is a mark that is put on the heads of those that are with God and in agreement with Him. Those with the mark are kept from death and punishment! Because of Jesus, I bear that mark! Be wise and eternally grateful, Stephanie, for the love poured out... for the boundless love poured out!!
I was so angry. The circumstances don't really matter... but, all of a sudden, I found myself angrier than I have been in a long time. Shaking kind of mad... The kind of angry where tears come and they aren't from sadness. I was mad.
Now, 24 hours later, I am processing all the anger that rose from within. Where did it come from? Yes, the situation was legitimately frustrating. And, yes, maybe the injustice was worthy of anger... maybe. But, not that kind of anger that steams up my back, into my head... and yes, out of my mouth!
Now, as I look back it with 20-20 vision I can see where I may have gone wrong. The situation I had found myself in was not correctable. It was as it was. I couldn't have done anything different to make it less frustrating, or wrong. But, I do know that I could have experienced it differently. Had I put a little space, a small prayer, a simple/quick internal recognition of Father would have stamped out the anger, or dampened it. I know. It has "worked" before. It is amazing the "peace that surpasses understanding" that can guard my heart, my mind and my mouth when I pray.
In hindsight, I now clearly see that God gave me a little space. I can clearly see that moment I could have stopped and asked for His presence. He gave me a small moment, a space, to acknowledge Him as Lord --- Lord over the storm. I could have rested and had peace to cover the anger.
I have heard that a good definition of humility is "power under control". THAT is what I needed yesterday. The power of my anger, right or wrong, was not under control. I did not submit those feelings... even in an instant, or whispered prayer... to my Lord. I wasn't humble. In fact, much of the depth-anger that rose up was most certainly (I can see now) from place of pride. ...my rights had been violated! How dare you say that, do that, act that way to ME? ...No, I didn't have those thoughts. But, clearly, I was not humble and clearly my anger was not covered by His mercy, His peace, nor His Lordship.
Will I learn this Lord? I wonder sometimes when these things happen if I will ever take a step forward... and then He reminds me of His faithful love, His constant work, His grace. I am reminded of the fact that truly it has been a long time ... a really long time, since I was that angry. And, well... that is a step forward of sorts. I guess, I would prefer a leap. Perfection today, please!!
He gave me space yesterday, to accept the covering of His Presence. I didn't take it. I want to learn to submit, and respond to that invitation. Lord, teach me to cover all my emotions in You. Lord, teach me to invite you in and to humble myself, asking in all circumstances for Your help and Your Presence. Teach me to live under Your covering-peace, that which can guard my heart and my mind in Christ Jesus.
I am still shocked by his behavior and sin. I am hurt by his deception and I am angry with him for the sins he has committed against his wife. This friend... this one "in the fold" that has lied to his friends and his wife for years.
If I am honest, I am just too angry to intercede for him. Not that I want him to be in pain or for bad things to happen to him, I truly don't. But, my heart is not turned toward him and I certainly don't feel mercy, grace or compassion. According to a fabulous book I am reading, Tricia Rhodes assures her readers that without these thing... without mercy, compassion and grace... without a heart that is for the person..., real intercession cannot happen. She believes that supplication and request can happen in my state; but, not intercession. I was struck with this convicting idea just this afternoon as the heady-book knowledge clashed with my heart-world.
Intercession is "to act or interpose in behalf of someone in difficulty or trouble, as by pleading or petition"(Random House Dictionary). Rhodes talks about intercession as being a stance of gap-filling (standing in the gap for someone). Intercession is a role of advocate and proponent. A true intercessor is one like Moses pleading God's mercy on behalf of the Israelites or Jesus begging the Father for mercy for his murderers... "for they don't know what they are doing!"
Rhodes also shows from Scripture that our role as believers is to be intercessors. We are all intercessors, she states and argues with persuasion. We are called to be ministers of reconciliation. We are called to hold the hand of Almighty God, our kind and loving Father, and plead the case of the lost, the hurting, the broken and the wayward. Our Father has invited us all to this work.
An important key, though, is that our heart actually needs to believe it. Intercession requires a heart-felt appeal to God for mercy. Like an attorney that doesn't believe his client is innocent... how is he to plead his case with integrity? An intercessor can not plead grace before God without being full of grace and love for the accused.
In this book, Rhodes states that we are never more like Christ than when we are interceding. He ever lives to intercede. (Hebrews 7:25) This is what He does full time! This is salvation and the work that the blood does on our behalf. We rely upon His intercession (His blood sacrifice!) when we stand before a holy Father and are welcomed in. Christ is the great intercessor!
Ah! but my heart is still hard toward this man. Not hateful... for I can request good things for him. But, can I intercede? Can I be like Christ in this manner? I don't have trouble interceding on behalf of his wife, his children and those he has hurt along the way. But, mercy must well up in my soul before true intercession can take place. Can I plead his case before God? Can I be an advocate for him?
My heart fights it as if interceding for him would make his sin less sinful or "okay". Does Christ's blood and intercession make my sin okay? Doesn't asking for mercy acknowledge the need for mercy... and mercy is only needed when sin is present. In my head somewhere, I know that I have done enough to anger Christ! Certainly, I have been as rebellious and my heart more wayward. Certainly Christ has every right to be angry at me! And, yet, my Savior-Brother stand in the gap for me. His anger does not get in the way of genuine and effective intercession for me. So, from my head the old saying... "there but for the grace of God go I" needs to make its way down to the depths my heart. This is what I have begun to ask for today.
For, "If a man sins against another man, God may mediate for him; but if a man sins against the Lord, who will intercede for him?" 1 Samuel 2:25
Will I join Christ in this work?
Oh Father, would you fill my heart with mercy and grace. Make me more like you, Lord Jesus. May I grow in my ability to forgive. May I grow in my ability to walk in mercy and compassion. Change my heart, O God. Jesus, teach me to pray.
My son went to his first Boy Brigade meeting last night. He went with confidence and came home happy. It is fun to see him grow up and begin to do his own things. When he came home, he did mention one teacher at the meeting that "lost her temper a lot". We didn't talk about it too much; but, focused on the fun activities and the other boys at the meeting.
The winds of mood shifted at some point in the night. Sweet boy was upset this morning. When I asked why, he whispered between sobs that he didn't want to go to Boys Brigade. When I probed a bit more it was as I suspected... the mean lady. Some time between last night and this morning, he and his sister had already named her, "The 'now' lady". (Apparently when she is telling the boys to do something, she puts "now!" at the end of each command). Oh, sweet boy! I want to hold him and never allow him to be exposed to mean people. So that is exactly what I did. I swept him up in my arms (I am not sure how long I will be able to do that--- he is getting quite heavy!). I swept him up in my arms and we snuggled together on Mommy's chair.
We talked about the specifics of her words, her actions and how it affected him. We talked about the other boys and what they might have been feeling. As we talked and snuggled, an interesting thing was going on in the other room. My daughter, the sweet defender of all things weak, was getting progressively more angry. I could hear her in the other room praying out-loud as her voice and her prayers rose in anger to the Lord. I called her in and asked her to share with us how she was feeling. She was mad! She told me that if I decided to go and talk with the lady (which I told them I would do if necessary), that I should not take her along... because well, ...well she would just let her have it! Can you picture this little 10 year old warrior with fire in her eyes defending her brother. She would do it too! I have seen her do it before, in fact.
I told her that her anger was right. I told her that God gets angry when he sees evil and wrong being done. I told her that she was feeling righteous anger. But, I also told her that Jesus wisely told us to pray for our enemies. Why?! I don't want to, of course, was her response. Yes! And that is why we must!
I was immediately struck with the fact that this mean "now" lady was a picture of anger gone unchecked. She was a good example of anger's lasting results. Maybe this loud, tempered woman was once angry for a good reason. Maybe, we don't know, but just maybe someone did something to her (or around her) that made her rightly angry. I explained that even though we don't know her story we can see her life. Her life shows us that her anger has turned to bitterness. Quick tempered, harsh, rude, and unkind are all results of anger gone bad. Imagine this woman walking in the forgiveness and peace that is offered to her in Christ.
So, we decided we wouldn't let anger have a hold on us that way. Together we chose to forgive this "now" lady. We decided to pray for her. We decided when we feel angry at her, we will pray for her. My sweet daughter said that she felt so angry at her, she may have to pray for her many, many times today! Sweet girl.
So, maybe Boys Brigade isn't the place for our boy. Or maybe it is. We will try it a few more times... all the while choosing to love, to offer peace and prayer for this teacher. The lesson is a good one for all of us, though.
Lord, may we be angry at the things that anger you! Teach us to use this anger to pray, to bless and to walk in Your peace. Your mercy, grace and forgiveness are beyond imagination. Teach us a bit of this, Lord.
"I never want to move again!", screaming with tears our daughter expressed verbally what we all were feeling. We were packing. Hard decisions needed to be made. What do we take? What do we store? What do we give away? But, always when we do this packing and moving thing, the most difficult thing to "store... or give away" is the people. Leaving the relationships are the hard decision that we have to make.
"I am just so mad!", she yelled. "I just want to live in the same place with all the people I love and for no one ever to move again. I want all my family, all my friend and everyone I love to live in the same place forever!". She wept. She was angry.
How do you respond to a sweet tempered ten year old when they are screaming out with such sadness and anger? My husband wisely just invited her on to his lap and held her as she cried. She cried. And she cried. This isn't the first time she has expressed outwardly the difficulties of this aspect of our career. So Dave held her. Then he simply said, "I know. I feel the same way!". The words were like the "Be still" that Jesus spoke to the wind and the waves! Looking up at him, in his arms, she said, "Really!". Instant calm.
Sometimes it is just good to know you are not alone. It is good to know that what you are feeling is normal. ...Or, at least, understood. This was enough to calm her emotions. She could sink deeper into his lap. They could talk again about God being her home. She could articulate her hope of heaven... the place where all those we love never have to move from! They could talk about her deep longings being from God. Right. Good. Pure longings. This frustration with separation was, in fact, "eternity written in her heart".
Lord, may we know you as our Rock. May we know you as our home. Be with our children and guide, protect and bless their hearts.
