Walking Along Unaware

Walking along the road, they are talking about all that has happened in the last few days.  Jesus catches up to them---but, they don't recognized Him.  They are unaware.  Pain of all sorts can do that---make us unaware.  Habits can do that---making us unaware.  Busyness, screens, agendas... all this and more can make us very unaware.  

He catches up to them and asks what they are talking about...  (Luke 24:13-35)

As you go about your day, walking along in life, ...chatting with your friends, your kids, your spouse.  As you think thoughts in your head---re-hearse conversations you have had or will have or will never have....  As you respond to or write posts on social media...    

I hear Him gently asking...  Stephanie, what are you discussing?  

Think about yourself and your conversations, your internal dialogues today and yesterday. 

 ~~~

Can you stop for a minute to hear Jesus asking you to tell Him what you are talking about, thinking about, interacting with?  What are you discussing?  What are you 'talking about'?

Stop for a minute and tell Him.  Explain to Him what you are discussing...  what has been happening... 

~~~ 

I can imagine these disciples are feeling so so many different things.  What might they have been feeling in that moment?  ...Anger, sadness, despair, confusion, fear, bewilderment, overwhelmed, traumatized, disappointment...

They tell Jesus that "we had hoped"... 

I read these words, and I am stopped in my tracks.  

Stephanie, what had (have) you hoped...?  What were you hoping for... or are you hoping for...?  

As I sat with this question, I could feel the disappointment, frustration, despair in my chest as I allowed myself to process my dashed hopes.   Old... and new.  Feelings are not for judging, they are just for feeling. Emotions are God -given data points that allow us to know ourselves and, if allowed, they are avenues to be closer to the Lord.  

~~~

Can you stop for a minute and figure out what you are feeling?  What have you been feeling today, yesterday, this week?  Have you hoped for something?  Are you feeling any frustration?  Confusion?  Sadness?

Stop and tell Jesus what you are feeling.  Is there something you had hoped?  Explain to Him your heart, your emotions, your pain.  

~~~

Jesus responds to their explanation of their thoughts and emotions with a correction and a call to think rightly.  Just to be clear, He doesn't leave them there.  He stays with them... and just gently calls them to account for their thoughts and their 'remembering'.  In fact, He calls them to remember.  He responds to them with Truth...   He reminds them of what He has told them before.  And, He reminds them of what has been True forever.  

~~~

Can you apologized to the Lord for any unbelief and foolishness in your heart or mind that might accompany or come alongside the emotions you feel?  Are there untrue things your are thinking and believing?  

Can you ask Jesus to speak His True Words over you... your thoughts, your feelings...  ?  

Sit for a few long moments and ask the Spirit to speak Words of Truth.  What would You say to me, Lord?  Speak, Lord, I am listening.  Give this time and quiet.  

~~~

After Jesus speaks Truth to them...  they want more.  They want more of Him.  More of His presence.  They are desperate for more of Jesus.  The disciples invite Him to come, be with them, stay with them, eat with them.  And, He says yes!

~~~

Can you ask Jesus to join you as you go about your day.  As you walk along the road today, as you sit, as you rise, as you eat, play, read, discuss...  can you ask Jesus to stay with you?  

Take a few moments and ask for more of Him.  Ask for more of His Spirit.  Ask Him to teach you to pray and to abide in His presence, His love, and His Word.

~~~

"Were not our hearts burning within us as he talked with us on the road...  It is true!  He has risen!"  (Luke 24: 32-34) 

As you go about your day, keep your heart aware of it's response to Him... Keep on the look out! 

He is alive and with you always!  

Fix it, Lord.

A wedding is a place to laugh, to mingle, and to relax.  ...unless something goes terribly wrong!  I remember being at my sister's wedding and walking into the reception hall, only 5 minutes before all the other guests, to find her wedding cake in three layered pieces in a pile on the ground.  What do you do in that moment!?  This is a serious problem to fix and we have five minutes.

This must have been what Mary was feeling at the wedding feast in Cana.  (John 2:1-12)  She saw a big problem and needed it fixed... right now!  

...so she did the very best thing she knew to do.  She asked her son.  She asked the son that she trusted. Even if he wasn't the Maker of the world, she may have asked him in any case.  But, she also knew who He was.  She had treasured in her heart the words spoken about him for 30 plus years.  She knew and had believed as He began to gather his disciples around Him.  

Mary did the best things she could think of... she asked Jesus to fix it.  

I love Mary's boldness here.  What beautiful faith she placed in Jesus!!  

...faith in His character as a son and as a person.  

...faith to know He would respond to her.  

...faith that He could and would handle it.  

She didn't come to Him with a solution.  She just told Him the problem.  Then, she watched, waited and told others to do what He said.  

The other day I saw a big problem.  It was a very practical problem that I had trouble seeing any answer for.  ...I didn't even know 'how' to pray.  I had no solution. I just knew it was a problem!  It was 2 in the morning, as I shifted in my bed, that the thought came...  Father, would you please fix this.  Here's the problem.  Please have Your way and fix it for me.    

...and He did.  In fact, in the next few days following, God fixed the situation in a way I would never have even imagined or asked.  He, essentially, turned water into wine for me.  

I doubt Mary imagined Jesus turning water to wine to fix her problem.  Who would have even guessed that would have been His answer!? She didn't know the solution.  She just came and trusted her son to solve the problem.  Fix it, Jesus.  

Lord, make me more like Mary was...  may I place my faith in You the solver.  May I have increased faith in Your character... God, You as my Father, Jesus---You as a brother, Spirit---You as my counselor....  May I know that You hear me. You will respond,.  Help me watch and wait as you fix the problems in Your way and Your time!  

Okay, Lord

 

Okay, Lord.  Here we go!

There are just days that start off with difficulty after a long night of tossing and turning, aren’t there?  Sleep evades and rest is nowhere to be found.  Do you ever have these nights?  Last night was one of those nights.  I took the advice of a friend and didn’t look at the clock.  Instead, as I tossed, I prayed, Lord, is there anyone that you would have me pray for?  As, I turned, I prayed, Father, is there anything you want to tell me or show me?  I guess it is going to be one of those nights…  Okay, Lord.  Here we go! 

Faces came to mind.  Names flooded in.  I asked.  I prayed.  I held them before the Lord.  So… sleep wasn’t the gift He gave last night, but He did give His rest to my heart and I did talk to Him about a great many things.

It was nearly morning, after a short ‘night-nap’, when I woke with a piece of Scripture flooding into my mind…  Ah, I thought, something He must want to tell me!  I meditated on the Word and said, Thank you, Lord.   

When the alarm finally sounded, it was tug and a pull to yank myself out of bed.  Do you ever feel you just have to coerce yourself out of bed?   Okay, Lord!  Here we go! Please sustain me.  I could feel His whisper deep within--- His promise to be with me always.  Tired and chilled by the cold dark, I could feel in my body the roughness of the night’s toss and turn.  One step in front of the other, I slowly walked out the aches and stumbled tentatively downstairs. 

After a quick drink of water, as is my habit and daily routine, I sat in my living room chair and opened up the PrayAsYouGo app on my phone… the call to prayer, the Scripture being read, the music, the questions and the reflection are all a great way to open my heart and waken my mind to His Presence.  Lord, I’m tired.  Help me to hear what You are saying.  Open my eyes and make me awake to Your Presence today, I wrote in my journal. 

After the app finished, I picked up my Bible.  I found the red tassel showing where I left off yesterday and continued reading in Luke 6.  Jesus tells His disciples to give and to forgive… reminding them that His Father is a merciful Father.  We are told to be like Him …merciful.  With the reading of the Word, I am struck with such thanksgiving---energizing and heart-lifting worship--- Lord, thank you for loving us!  Thank you for Your mercy and the gift of Jesus!   I wrote in my journal, Lord, only in you will I live this giving, forgiving, merciful life.  Please fill me with the power of Your Spirit to be like You, my good and merciful Father!  As I continue to read, there was conviction in my heart. I read Christ’s words to ‘not condemn and not judge’.  Readily my sin of judgment---of myself and of others---came to mind.  Lord, forgive me. Make me more like You. Make me merciful.      

After my quiet moments with God, I got up to put my shoes on… heading out to the garage-gym to use an exercise video.  Okay, Lord, here we go!  Layered up against the cold, I could feel and see the steam of my breath, I turned on the video and started to ‘walk’ following along with the lady on the TV.  She was speaking of Jesus as we walked and she encourages us to pray… and I do. 

I feel a bit heart-heavy with the many needs of those I love.  As I walk, I pray.  As the Lord brings a face, or a problem to mind, I pray and ask God to fix, help, and be near.  Father, please help.  As I stretch after the work-out, one particular person weighs heavy this morning.  My heart is pained for them.  They don’t know Jesus and they are running hard into destructive life choices that will bring much pain and sorrow.  Oh Lord have mercy.  Spirit of the Living God reveal Jesus to them!  Lord, please open their eyes and rescue them from darkness.  May they be released from these prisons of sin that keep them from full life.  Oh Lord, please help, please fix this, please be near. 

As I finished up my exercise, I can feel energy and sustenance in my body, and I am grateful!  Thank you, Lord.   I can feel the hunger rise up.   As I go inside to prepare my breakfast, I pray for my kids.   Lord, please give them a hunger and a thirst for righteousness and Your truth.  Help them the choose You today. 

This day began with the night of tossing and turning… and in this, He led me and strengthened me to pray and remain aware of His Presence.  Thus far, we have had so much conversation….and, it’s only 9 am! 

This day is Yours, Lord!  Have Your way in and through me.  Teach me to pray.  What might the day bring?  Okay, Lord! Here we go! 

Open My Eyes, Lord

I woke up two mornings ago with pain and a very swollen eye.  No fun.  It looked like I had been in a fight and lost!  The quick jaunt to the optometrist confirmed that I have a few (significantly and deeply) blocked ducts with no apparent infection---at this point.   So warm compress... and a few weeks... and it all should clear up. 

Asking the Lord for insight into this, I feel led to pray...  Lord, unblock and release us from the things that keep us from seeing Truth.  Help me to see You, myself, and others truly.  Help us to see rightly, Father!  Open our eyes.   

I can see right now.  But, my vision is just slightly impaired by the swelling.  The pain makes me want to close my eyes and stop looking.  And, these ducts have been 'getting' blocked for weeks now---without my awareness and detection.  My eyes were affected and "off" kilter before I even knew it.

How else, Lord, am I seeing impaired? 

These prayers have prompted deep conviction in my own life.  I know there are ways I see the Lord... ways I see the world... ways I see myself and ...ways I see others... ways I see wrongly and off-kilter.  The eyes of my heart and my mind are blocked in some significant ways--as is true of us all.  I need His purification and release.  I need God's truth. I need Him to touch and heal those deep parts of me which are affecting my seeing---my heart-sight.

Scripture tells us to keep our eyes fixed on Jesus.  The Word reminds us that fixed minds and hearts stayed on Him are at peace. When our hearts are steadfast on His Spirit and when we look at things that are of His Spirit, we will keep in step with the Spirit.  When we see rightly, we can walk rightly.  When we are facing or looking in the right direction, we will walk in the right direction.  Right?  Obviously!

So, today, I choose to settle into the reality of my blocked ducts.  I will use it as a prayer trigger until the Lord sees fit to take it away.  I pray for myself first... and then for those I love.... and then beyond.  That the eyes of our hearts would be given light and wisdom to understand more Truth about who God is and who we are in His love (Ephesians 1:17-19)  Would you join me in praying this, too?

Lord, let us see rightly!  

Feeling Empty

I just didn't have it this morning.  I felt empty.  Lacking.

I woke up seriously lacking.  Lacking energy.  Lacking joy.  Out of sorts and out of whack,  I certainly didn't have it this morning.  Grace.  Love.  Peace.  Joy.  I didn't have any of it for myself, let alone for anyone else.

The morning habit of "the chair" always draws me... sometimes with excitement and anticipation, often simply out of discipline and habit.  At some silly-o-clock every morning, my alarm sings.  I wake.  I stumble down stairs and drink my glass of water.  And, then I go to my chair...  Habit.  Good daily habits. What a gift!

Bible.  Journal.  Prayer App.  Worship Music.  ...all tools I might use in my chair.  This day I just sat there, half awake, staring into the space in front of me.  How long did I just stare into the room? Looking but not seeing.  Just sitting.

I could scarcely hear the whisper waft my way... was it from my habit, was it from my Lord?...  Either way, I could hear a whisper:  the Word.  

The Word, Stephanie.  A still small voice reminding me to pick up God's word.  With automatic obedience, I lifted my bible and my journal from where they live in the basket next to the chair.

Opening the Bible, the red cloth book marker directed me where to place my eyes on the page.  Good thing for that marker!  Without it I may have just stared for more time into the nothingness.  Following the marker's direction, I found my place and I read.  Almost from the first word, from the pulsating life which lives within the very letters on this majestic page, I could feel a surge.  Truth.  I could feel the truth in the words I was reading.  None of the Words were new.  I have read them a thousand times, to be sure.  In fact, I had read the very same words yesterday.  But, again today, they were fresh with life.  Ah, the Word of God does wonders for the soul! 

As Scripture awakened my mind, my heart and my soul...  I began to see a bit more of me.  It took time.  A thawing was beginning as I read word after word.

Finally words from within me began to emerge.  The first words I scribbled in my journal said, "I just don't have it today."

I just don't have it, Lord.  I am seriously lacking.  

As if God is surprised by this confession, right?  He is well aware of our need for Him.  He knows I am lacking.  I am always lacking...

Yes, I know, Stephanie.  So, now that you know, ask Me for exactly what you need.   

What did I need from God?  Today.  What was my need.  Oh.  So much!  I need grace, Lord.  I need love today, Lord!  I don't have it.  I don't have it for me.  I don't have it for anyone else.  

Truth washed over my mind like a flood.  I have both in abundance.  I am Love.  I am rich in grace.  And, I live IN you.  

In You...  abundance.  richness and fullness.  

I could feel the boldness growing.  Yes, I can ask for exactly what I need!  Yes, my God is rich in mercy.  I need joy, Lord... Oh man, I am really not feeling the joy, Lord!  Can I have more joy today, please? And, oh, I'm seriously needing peace and definitely patience...  I need so much, Lord.  

In the dark, cold morning, I was warmed by His invitation.  My Spirit lives in You.  My fullness.  Love.  Joy.  Peace. Patience... all I am, accessible to you.  Always.  A living stream of life and truth is welling within you, because I live in you.  I dwell in you.  You have everything you need.  Everything.  In Me.  Ask me... and then wait and see!  

Truly, I walked away from my chair with more joy and peace.  I asked and He answered.  I could feel Him giving me what I needed for the day.  Enough.  I always have enough in Him.  I simply needed to ask and receive.  Bread enough for my today.

I didn't have it this morning.  But, my God does and He loves to give the good gift of His Spirit to His children.  (Luke 11:13)

"Whoever believes in Me, as Scripture has said, rivers of living water will flow from within them. He was speaking of the Spirit..."  (John 7:38, 39)

Grab Your Hammer

The look on his face was priceless.  At 16 years old, my son is well accustomed to doing his own laundry. Yesterday, his dad, as an act of love and kindness folded his clean clothes. It was just a mundane moment of love... not difficult for Dad, right?  It took only minutes of his time.  But, to my son... it was a gift.

We heard the surprise and confusion in his voice, calling from upstairs, "Did you fold my laundry, Mom?"  Nope, I said.  It was Dad.

The look on his face, as he ran downstairs, was beautiful- such gratefulness.
One small act of love.  One small gift received.

My husband had told me that morning he had felt God's nudge to do it.  He quickly and quietly obeyed this prompting.  ...and reaped a tender moment with his boy.

The giving of love, the receiving of love.  Did that small act matter yesterday?  Did that count?

We tend to enumerate and count big things in our world, don't we?  There are certain 'big things' that we take note of and admire---changing the world kind of "big" things.  We count and keep track of the biggies.  Money, fame, admiration, beauty, service, and "likes" all are important if they are BIG.  Numbers.  Growing numbers.  If they can be counted or named.  Seen.

But, what if...

What if it really is just the small and mundane things that matter?

Are we all sold a bill of goods in the idea that we have to all do something "big" and significant?  How often have I heard a call to "change the world!" (the whole world, really!?) or, as a child, the mantra "you could even be President!"  Big things.  Presidential things.  Important things.

What if its just simply about the day-to-day, every day things of life... the cooking dinner, talking to a friend, driving to work, answering email,  'hello' to the shop attendant, praying, reading, exercising, cleaning the kitchen, sweeping a back porch...  these every day life realities--- what if they are truly the highest moments- ripe with the most significance?

I am reading a book right now that is stirring in me and prompting such profound discontent.  The book is titled and propagated as a book on contemplation, prayer, and journeying with God.  I read the author's continual reminders of all the 'big' things she has done and is doing because of, or alongside, her contemplation and prayer.  Almost as if prayer leads to doing great things.  Sprinkled and spread within the nooks and crannies of her writing are the assertion of work-with-impact in significant places.

What if prayer doesn't lead to great things... what if prayer is a great thing?

My small life, in a very small place,... my one-person-at-a-time, one moment-at-a-time life...  has been screaming at me as I read--- voices accusing me of laziness, not-enoughness, and nothingness.  Does it matter that I spent time in prayer today---praying for one small person in a small place?  Is that work of significance?  This critical voice tells me that my small life is less than.  What if that voice is lying to me?  What if...?

What if...

Twice this week I happened upon the story of Noah in Genesis.  At first glance, I felt the tug of this "huge" thing that Noah did.  Right?  It felt like an affirmation and nod to the accusations I have been feeling.  Noah had a huge impact!  He saved humanity from extinction, for goodness sake!  Or did he?

As I have been digging in and reading further, another thought has occurred to me---another Voice.

What did Noah actually do?  God saw the future.  God spoke.  God brought the animals.  God closed the door.  God brought the rain and sustained the little boat above the waves.  Really, when it comes down to it...Noah just built a boat.

He built a boat.

He picked up a hammer and some nails...  and made a really large boat.  That is actually what he did.

People build boats every day.  Right?  Johnny Cash wrote some songs and sung them.  Stephen King put some words on a screen.  And, Monet took some color and splashed it about---beautifully---on a canvas, or two.  But, actually, Cash, King, Monet and Noah really just lived their everyday life... eating, drinking, sleeping, cleaning, and living lives.  For better or worse, they danced their dance.  Just like you and me.

Color on a page.  Words on a screen.  Songs on an instrument.  A nail and a hammer.

With this thinking in mind, a new phrase sits with me now when I think about Noah's story. There is a profound and huge statement in Genesis 6:22... "Noah did precisely everything the Lord commanded him to do".

There it is!  That's it, right?!

My husband, yesterday, felt God's whisper to fold laundry...  and he obeyed.  If writing Scripture today, would God inspire the words, "And Dave did precisely everything the Lord commanded him to do."

Oh, how I long for this to be true of me!

The "whatever you do, whatever you eat or drink, do it all to the glory of God"(1 Corinthians 10:31) and "whatever you do, word or deed, do it all in the name of Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father" (Colossians 3:17)

What if I was like Noah... I go about my day, listening to God's command and doing "exactly what God commanded". What if I pick up my hammer and nails and build a boat?  What if my task today is to pray?  What if He nudges me to worship?  What if my folding laundry life is the big thing for today... the obedient, worshipful, honoring thing that God would have me do.

What is the look on God's face when we obey and actually do what He wants, I wonder?  I would guess its profoundly beautiful and priceless.

Okay, God... let's have some FUN

A few months ago, as I was being prayed for, a brother felt he heard God whisper the word Fun into his heart.  After the prayer time, he approached me and said he felt God wanted me to have more fun in my life---especially in this season of transition with my children launching into the world and out of my nest.  He then asked me a pointed question, "What is fun for you?"

I was dumbstruck.  The feeling of utter confusion must have wafted across my face... because he laughed out loud.  "Ah!" he said, "That is probably where you need to start!"

I have been a wife for nearly 25 years and a mother for 20 years.   Almost half my life I have had the privilege of nurturing and raising two amazing children.  I have worked part time from home and we chose to home educate, as well; and so... my time has been very much all about them.  I truly don't regret this in any way, shape, or form.  I feel blessed by this truth.  But, when it comes to fun for me... well, ...I just didn't have an answer.  The question actually felt strange in my ear and hard for my heart to comprehend.  I know what is fun for my husband.  I know what is fun for my son and my daughter.

In all honesty, I am not sure I could have answered this question even 25 years ago.  'Fun' doesn't come naturally to me... I don't 'do' 'fun for me'.  Or at least, that is how it felt.

I began to pray.  What IS fun for me, Lord? Lord, help me know myself.

My 'go-to' solution to any dilemma is to pray and then read.  When in doubt, I say, read a book!  On the heels of this prayer time, a friend 'just so happened' to send me a book about the God-given creativity in every human being, The Soul Tells a Story by Vanita Hampton Wright.  I wondered if creativity and fun went together?  So... why not... I picked it up and gave it a go.  Maybe God would begin to answer my question in this way...

For years, I have had a very regular debate going with my husband.  "I am not a creative person" was my stance.  We had the--- 'yes, you are'... 'no, I'm not'--- going for years.  From the beginning, Ms. Wright suggests that creativity lives in each and every of us;  innate in us, creativity is like one fingerprint of God's design as 'made in His image'.  He created.  He creates still.  We also create.  Wright does a fabulous job explaining that creativity is so uniquely colored and varied with each individual...and so, I guess, sometimes it just isn't noted.  Or, understood and labeled as "creativity".

Or, in fact, it just gets lost for some of us.  In the first chapters, she offers a set of exercises which explore what was 'fun' for you as a child.  Like venturing back memory lane, you are searching for what was in you naturally... maybe what got hid away, or set aside.  What did you do as a child that you enjoyed?  What made you happy?  What did you do for fun?  For me, this question alone took quite a bit of time, quiet, prayer, and memory-journeying to find some answers.

I now believe with all my heart that I am indeed creative.  (My husband will be pleased with this!)  And, I have slowly ventured into the effort of 'doing' more fun things in my life.  Opening up.  Pressing in.  Things I used to do...?  Things that I have always wanted to do... or wondered about?  Slowly.  One thing at a time.

My newest venture has been into the realm of watercolor painting.  The ever-present practical-Stephanie assumed (wrongly, as it turned out)... that this was a cheap hobby.  So, I started here.

Today, I boldly---and it does take significant courage, mind you--- I share (below) a few of my first attempts to have creative fun in my life.  I figure, for the faithful few of you that read these posts, you hear the ins-and-outs of many vulnerabilities and very often the weaknesses in my life.  So, why not... I'll share this vulnerable place of creativity and strength, too.    And, I will assure you... I am really enjoying it!

...having a little bit of fun.  Thank you, God, for whispering on my behalf.  

A Friend's Lament...Tears as Intercession

When I heard the news, I immediately burst into tears!

Tragedy struck my friend's family last weekend and I could barely believe my eyes as I read.  NO!  I can't possibly be understanding this correctly... No, Lord... NO!

The stream of tears surprised me.  Tears, like I have said before, are not a norm for me... and yet, they came like a torrent.  I wept for my friend.  I wept for the loss of a brother.  I wept for the children. Very few words... only tears.

It was as if the Lord was allowing me to feel, just a small tiny bit, of what she and her kiddos must be feeling when they heard that their father was gone.  ...in an instant.  One car.   One moment.  And, his life here on earth was over.

The shock.  The trauma.  The confusion. The pain.  ...oh! the grief, Lord!

While, I know, we don't grieve like those without faith... (1 Thessalonians 4:13) We have a great and enduring hope!  I am certain, without any shadow, where this man who loved God is now living--- oh! the glory of the resurrection! 

BUT, while we don't grieve without hope; we do still grieve.  We must grieve.  We must lament. We turn our hearts and our tears into a Psalm to set before the Father's heart.   When I read the news, I wanted to wail, to rend my garments and put ash on my head.

Our hearts are made for eternity.  Death is a separation that cuts and bleeds and tears at our very God-made natures.  We know we are made for more... for always-togetherness.  Death feels like a harsh blow in the now.

For days now, I have been carrying this friend.  Night and day.  As if I am walking so very closely to these dear ones.  It is like I can hear their hearts, feel their cries.  I have been feeling deep and profound sadness for days.  "When one part of the body hurts, the whole of the body hurts."  (1 Corinthians 12:26)  I know I am not alone in this pain-carrying.  I see it on social media.  Others are affected by this loss of a friend, a brother, a mentor.  We grieve and we pray.  We worship and we try to lend a hand.  What else do we have?

I believe that God gifts us with this grief-intercession in order to bear the burden and lighten the load. Jesus Himself is the "light" yoke (Matthew 11:28)--- and we are His hands, feet, mouth, and His eyes as we cry.

Lord, may my tears to you be an offering---an intercession.  Would You count all our tears as we grieve and would You have mercy and hear our cry?  We know this world is not our home.  We put our trust in You alone.  We believe that You are the God of all comfort; that you, Jesus are a man of sorrows, well acquainted with suffering.  Oh! How this mamma and those children need You right now.  We ask, ...we know..., that you will come alongside and cover.  Just as their daddy once covered... would You be their shield and their rock; their strong tower in the midst of this time of trouble.  

~~To support and carry this family, please consider giving to their go-fund-me account. We can lend a hand and lighten the load, even if only slightly.

Directionally Challenged

photo source

It's been a joke in our family for years.  We laugh in agreement at the facts of the case... I am, indeed, "directionally challenged".   Regularly, my husband painfully and patiently explains the route, yet again...   Yes, I have been there many times.  But, no, I can't remember how to get there this time. Directions.  A great challenge;  extreme and laughable.  They joke that if someone set me down in the middle of my small town, I may have trouble finding my way home.  I'm not sure I am that bad. But, maybe.

That is why Monday was so remarkable.

My daughter and I were headed out to a new part of the nearest city.  Headed to a funeral, I was responsible to drive us there.  This type of scenario is a typical, big time "stress-trigger" for me. A general, low level anxiety and insecurity is commonly triggered by the unknown.  New things do this to me.  Can I do this?  Can I handle it?  A new place.  New directions.  New situation (I have never been to a funeral in this culture).  New people.  This has always been a recipe for overwhelmed, anxious, and/or afraid.  But, Monday was different--- markedly and remarkably different.

Something had changed and both my daughter and I noted it.  I just wasn't concerned or worried.  I could certainly feel the tension and reality of not knowing where I was going... and the newness.  But, that is all it was--- slight "normal" tension.  It just wasn't anxiety.  I didn't feel upset or uneasy.  I was calm.  I had the sense that we would make our way with no problem and all would be fine.  This, I know, is the way a lot of people simply live their life.  My husband walks through life with this foundational security. It is beautiful and admirable.  But, it has not been me.

Something had changed.  I believe there are profound moments in our God-journey where we can "see" proof from years of prayer and walking with Jesus.  Monday was that day!

Worry, calculation and 'overwhelmed' have been a constant companions these 40+ years; walking with me, since before I can remember.  I cope.  Sometimes I cope really well.  And, have learned many tricks and tactics--- most people don't have a clue my internal reality.  (Isn't this true for most of us?)  In 2009, I wrote a blog post entitled "What if I just stopped"---questioning and challenging this worrying bend in myself.

In fact, for as long as I have known Jesus, I have been bringing Him these worries... this overwhelmed "natural" tendency.  He has spoken for years, through a variety of ways, about this issue*.   Certainly, by His grace, there has been slow growth.  We have talked together about why I have this... from family of origin, personality to sin habits, God and I have been conversing and looking and digging.  And, I have been asking...

Suddenly, I was seeing something new.  Something miraculous had shifted in me.

His Word tells me that He is completing His good work in me and creating in me a clean heart---  I think I saw a beautiful piece of His work on Monday.  I didn't really DO anything to produce this difference.  ...just time, trust, leaning in, looking, confessing, and the silent, deep work of the Spirit.  "In the silence of the heart, You speak", Audrey Assad sings.  "You liberate me from my own noise and my own chaos...  You said be free... in the work of the Spirit---I cannot see".

He has spoken.  "Un-seeable" work done by this quiet Spirit.  Yet again, I am changed.  He has done it.  The unseen becomes visible.

Mom, your are not anxious and not worried.  You aren't questioning yourself.  You just seem calm. These were my daughter's words.  And, I was!

One of the most interesting moments in the day, though, came when I had to make my way home after the funeral.  Miraculously, I did so without any map, or directions.  For the first time in my entire life, I didn't feel directionally challenged.  We just made our way.  What!?  Was it the freedom in my physical brain to just work properly now without anxiety and worry to cloud and confuse? Was this also a part of the gift, the Spirit's change and work?

Laughingly, I tell my family, if I am no longer directionally challenged... what in the world will they tease me for next!

...Plenty other issues to choose from---to be sure--- no worries there.  (smile)



*a myriad of other blog posts on worry...

Small things

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Small, seemingly insignificant moments in my every day.  Seconds.  Minutes.  My spiritual growth seems so clearly linked to these moments.   Awareness and attentiveness to the small things a key.  "Paying attention to what you are paying attention to" is what Curt Thompson writes is crucial to the renewed mind in Christ.  

It seems that these every-day, mundane realities and problems are where some of my greatest battles are fought and victories won.  

These real things---the laundry pile, the “to do” list, the spill on the floor, the thing I forgot to do, the mistake, the friend who is struggling, the phone call I need to make--- these things fight for my attention, my thoughts and my allegiance.  Now, fair enough, each small moment can be linked to big, tough realities; but it is that wisp-of-time that counts.   That spark of a moment.  In those passing seconds, growth can happen.  

When the sudden concerned decision about what to make for dinner, or the drifting thought to 'that’ part of my body which is less than ‘perfect’, or even that creeping fear when I feel the physical ache in my stomach again--- it is in these small moments that something big and important is found and fought for.  It is here that I have a choice.  

Planning, thinking, calculating, doing, answering, figuring, fixing, worrying, or hiding… these are my natural bend.  Sometimes these natural skills are gifts from God, to be sure; but these pathways can become quick idols and in those snippets of seconds these coping strategies can steal from my faith and trust.  

This morning I heard something else.  Was it the Spirit of Jesus that whispered, just as the 'calculating and planning' had begun in my head?  A peaceful, gentle word:  “You know… there is another way.” 

There is another way, Stephanie.  

It was in this moment today I had a choice.  Worry was tugging on my mind.  Which “drawer” in my mind would I go to?  Which pathway would I choose?  His Spirit reminds my heart that He has given me peace, rest and a place to sit---still and secure.  This “drawer” is available to me in that moment.  Every moment.  

Can you trust me now, Stephanie.  For this too?  You have another way available…  Talk to me about what to cook for dinner, about your friend, about your body, and about your laundry pile.   Talk to me.  Rest in me.  Remain.  Ask.  Seek and knock.  

There is another way.  In this very moment.  

Looking for the Rainbow

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It rains often where I live.  A lot.  ...I mean it... it rains a lot!

As I sit here and glance out the window, I see the rain begin again... It is our 'normal' here.  And, I don't hate it.  I know that I live in a very green land and, in truth, we are green here because of the rain.  Green and rain go hand-and-hand.  Today, though, I realize that it is raining while at the same time it is bright and sunny. With that recognition comes excitement.   My heart leaps with a happy thought, "There will be a rainbow!"  Somewhere I know there will be a rainbow.  I just have to find it!  Go looking for it...

Praying, a few months back, for my two children, my mother's heart was asking that my kids would be spared from pain--- this specific pain, that pain, ANY pain, Lord.   Spare them from any pain, Lord. In that moment, as the cry of my heart issued forth, my attention was drawn immediately to the window.  I looked outside and saw the rain.  In the quietness and with a gentle whisper, I felt the Lord breathe a truth into my heart...  In order for green and growth, we need sunshine AND rain, Stephanie. Both are necessary.   

Sunshine and rain.  

I know this.  We all know this.  But, oh!, how we feel when the rain and storms of life come.  With this kind reminder from God, I began to pray differently.  Okay, Lord.  Yes, I want my children to be 'green' with life!  I want them to grow and flourish in You.  So, Lord... I trust You with the rain.  Bring rain AND sunshine in my children's lives.  Only as much rain as necessary, Father!  ...Lord, protect them from floods and storms that are not necessary to their growth.  Protect them from hail and destructive hurricanes.  But, I say "yes and amen!" to Your gifts of sunshine and rain in their lives.  

I pray.  I begin again to trust and believe--- Lord, help me with my unbelief.  And, I ask that they would grow.  I also pray that they would look for and see more and more rainbows.  Go looking for it...

You are Here

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For a while now I had been trying the Prayer of Examen and finding myself quite frustrated.

Each night as I would prayerfully consider my day, I had trouble really remembering or getting in touch with what I had experienced internally.  I could remember the day's events, of course, but had a hard time expressing to God all that I had been feeling in that given day. The "Examen" step where you are to "pay attention to your emotions" as you analyze throughout the day was frustrating and felt unhelpful.  Apparently, I generally walk through a good portion of my days very much unaware and very much in auto-pilot.

So, I have been trying something "new" these past few weeks.  I am trying a "Stephanified-version" of the Ignatian Examen.  Maybe we could call it the Examen for the Unaware.  Or the Examen for the Memory-Impaired.  Whatever you want to call it, I have been trying something new!

And there is something big and beautiful shifting inside me as a result!

Three or four times a day, I attempt to purposefully stop whatever I am doing.  (I do have alarms that ring to help remind me!) I stop and internally ask one simple question:  Where am I or where have I been these past hours?

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Someone told me the other day that Larry Crabb calls this "a red dot moment".  That little-red-dot.  You know when you walk into a shopping mall and are looking for the shoe store or the card shop.  The mall's large directory stands looming before you and you scan.  You look for where you need to go, of course.  And, then you scan for what?  What do you find? ...A little red dot and the words, "You are here".  That little red dot helps you tremendously, doesn't it?  Now, you can find the card shop.  But, if you don't know where you are in relation to that large map... you could be stuck.

Maybe it is an overstatement, but I have felt slightly stuck for years.  Years and years I have been asking God for more awareness and more consciousness of His Presence throughout my day.  I think He is answering my prayer in a strange and unexpected way.   Where I have been asking Him to show me Himself... He is teaching me to see myself, instead.  I think He is teaching me to really see myself.  Where am I?

I am not "looking" for Him perse, anymore.  I am trying to find me.  And, in return, I am seeing Him!  He is showing Himself to me.  As I become more aware of where I am,  I am sensing Him with me... in the processing.  In the awareness.  He is with me right in the "red dot moment".

I stop.  I ask myself, Where am I?  Where have I been these past few hours?

...sad.  upset.  ...harried. ...overwhelmed. ...joyful. ...irritated.  ...worried.  ...prayerful. ...peaceful. ...fearful. ...angry.  ...annoyed.  At any given part of my day, I can "be" in any of these places.

There is something shifting inside me.  I believe the Holy Spirit is shifting something deep within.  Awareness seems to be the key.  I don't even feel a great need to analyze or judge these "places" or these "feelings". They just are.  Realities.

They are just true.  And, they are covered and contained by Him and in Him.

As I have been watching these moods, these feelings, these reactions... I am seeing some patterns.  God and I will need many new discussions about the whys of these realities.  Why do I feel this way, for example... when this or that happens?  But, for right now, that doesn't seem to be the point.

I know where I want to go.  I know the "shop" I am aiming for:  more awareness of Him and His Presence.  I am realizing that first I need to know better, or figure out more truth, about where I am before I journey toward that End.

"How can you draw close to God when you are far from your own self? Grant, Lord, that I may know myself, that I may know thee.” ~St. Augustine

67 Years and Still Learning

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"I am just now 67 years old this year", she said as she began explaining a new adventure she was having with God.

"You see I was needing to get to my doctor's appointment the other day..."  She was beautiful, her Welsh accent thick, as she began to share her heart and her current journey with God.

As she spoke, I could just imagine her rushing from one appointment in town to another.  She shared that she had pleaded and begged God to keep the train just a while longer so that she wouldn't miss it.  She was going to be late!  She told me of her pleading prayers as she hurried on her aging, disintegrating knees. "Oh, Lord, please!"  I am very accustomed to seeing her gait.  In my mind's eye, I could see her shuffling as fast as she could to make the train.

And, then, with with a twinkle in her eyes, she leaned in and gave me the punch-line, "Stephanie, ...it was there waiting for me.  It said 'Delayed 9 minutes".

I smiled with her and a sweet, internal "Yes!" welled up within my spirit in agreement with this statement of thanksgiving and praise.  "It was there, just like I asked Him. Why do I wonder and fret?!"

Then came the exclamation point at the end of the story.  With a pause and after a quick chuckle she added quietly and slowly, "And, then ...I heard the Lord say to me: 'I heard you the first time!"  

I heard you, daughter, the very first time you asked.  

"Oh- will I ever learn?!" she said and her head flew back with laughter.

New lessons of faith and trust are my 67 year old friend's adventure.  I love every minute of our conversation.

Faith and trust.  Are these ever too old or too simple to learn again?

Will we ever learn?  Will I ever learn?

My Father seems to be whispering to my heart these new lessons of faith and trust, too.

Patience, my child.  Patience...  My grace is sufficient.  

Please Solve This For Me

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I am a planner. I am a "solver" by nature. I organized and manipulate data. I figure it out and work it through.  I think and I analyse. I make lists and check them off... and then make new lists when the old list gets too short.

I believe God has made me this way. I believe that part of His divine knitting was this very aspect of my personality and gifts. He made me a multi-tasker and a planner. And, I think He is pleased by this part of who I am ...

And, I also believe that this very gift-aspect of His creative hand sometimes gets in the way of my relationship with Him. ...almost daily. In this, I am certain He is sometimes displeased or, in the least, saddened.

When a problem comes my way, or even just as small obstacle, I very naturally decide how to overcome that problem. Again, I begin my list-making and planning. And, I do this time and time again without God. Entirely void of a simple pause to invite Him in, I go on with a knee-jerk reaction and take charge. Often, I act out of some false, deep belief that "I [you] shall be like god" (Genesis 3:5). I decide what is good and evil, take my course of action and go my own way. Essentially, I use my god-like creating abilities to make all things "right". ...right in my own eyes, that is.

Now, because my Father in Heaven is deeply loving and always faithful, He often rescues me or even blesses me even though, or "inspite of"; often, He does allow my plans to be fruitful and my organizing to prosper.  This sweet grace is beyond perplexing to me!

And yet, ...and yet... I miss out on Him. I miss out on doing it with Him. I miss out on relationship!

And, I also think I often miss His best... His solutions, His ways, His very best plan.  My plans are a just settling. When I forget Him, I settle for second best. I settle for action devoid power, plans devoid His wisdom and activity devoid relationship.

Recently, I have wanted this to change. I have really, deeply wanted it to be different. And, this year, I have attempted to stop the natural planning... and simply to ask God to "solve it".

In this I have asked God to help me to remember, to pause, and to ask for His solution. ...and even better yet, to just simply "solve it". And, He has!! He really has done this for me.

Simple things. Small things. Big things. Silly things ...I have seen Him solve them. I have stopped. Waited. Prayed. Hoped. And, I have asked for His solutions.  Father, You are going to have to solve this one! has been my prayer.  It has been sweet to watch Him work.

I certainly don't entirely "get it". I am far from daily practicing this surrendered-reliance on Him. And, I believe He still wants me to use my skills, my gifts, and my Hand-Created personality. But, I really believe my Father wants to do it all... all of life ... with me. He wants to do life, and all it's obstacles, together.

And, His solutions are just best. His ways are better.

This is a re-post from December 2010 ...but, I certainly could have written it yesterday!  ...still learning and re-learning the same things!  You?  

One Word

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I can't remember when I started the tradition... was it in college?  I don't know.  But, for years now, I have always picked one word to focus on... or to pray, really... and ask the Lord to grow me in the coming year.  There have been years where it took a while to listen, to pray, and to seek this "one word".   This year my word was as clear as day.  I knew it the moment I thought to ask God...

Freedom.

When I sat for even a few minutes asking, Father what would You have me ask from You this year?  

I knew.  Freedom, Stephanie.  More freedom...  

I believe that God is inviting me to be more freely me:  that "me" He intends, He purposed and He created.  I believe He is inviting me to live more freely in who I am, what I think and what I feel.  ...to say what I think.  To feel what I feel.  And, to be who I am.

For so long the opinions of others, the fear of man and the many "voices" and expectations have informed the "me" and shaped who I am.  I want more freedom from these things... these other voices.  I am asking God that I might know more of who He says I am, who He created me to be!  

Freedom to be me.

And, freedom from... 

Freedom from worry and fear and control and perfection and angst.   I believe that God is inviting me to walk fully free from these things... as I grow in trust and peace and rest in Him alone.  I actually never again have to be worried.  What a thought!  I am free from this.  I can walk in full freedom from fear and worry.

Freedom to...

and freedom from...

This is my prayer for 2013.    Teach me Father, I ask!  

What would you ask God for this year?

Brick Like News

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There are pieces of news that come at you like a stinging slap and then settle down on your heart like a heavy brick.

I have just heard a piece of news that is sitting heavy on mine.

Even as my fingers type out the words, my eyes brim with tears.  Such a shadowed piece of hard news.  ...a hurting heart.  ...a wayward daughter.  ...a child of God who is walking in darkness, unaware of her heritage---her birthright.  

I hear about her choices and the state of her soul and all that is within me sinks and wants to weep.   ...longs to lament and intercede.

There is so much more that is offered to this loved one---this dear woman.  There is so much more that He longs to give her.  Freedom He longs to drape over her shoulders.

Moments after hearing about her, I found myself wandering around the kitchen as if I couldn't remember what I was supposed to be doing.  Stopping myself, I realized that I was simply wandering and looking to "do" something.  There was nothing I was forgetting.  I was just looking for something to do.  ...to make it stop.  ...to turn her heart.  ...to open her ears to the whispers of a her Savior's love.

But, what can I do?  What can I do to save a soul?

I can do nothing, Lord.  I can only release and plead.  I can only offer this one into Your kind heart and expect from You pursuing mercy, grace and Your peace poured out.  

Only You can lift this heaviness from my heart and hers.  Only You.  

And You are enough.  

My daughter found me in the kitchen with tears.  She wrapped her arms around me and asked me why I was crying...  Then, she quietly told me she had overheard the conversation.  She had heard the news, too.

Jesus will keep after her, mommy, she whispered into my ear.  Jesus won't let her go.    

But, she needs to choose to hear Him, my sweet girl.  She needs to listen.  She needs to be willing to hear, respond and look at his face.  My words filled with choking tears.

Then, we must pray!  

Yes, my girl, that is what we can do.  That is what I can do.  And, He is enough.

Order My Day

Lord, please order my day. 

This prayer I have been praying on and off for many years.  I am not sure where I first read it, or heard it... but it has become a regular, genuine prayer many a days.

There are days when the task list seems overwhelming.  The needs are great.  And, a tornado has obviously descended on my house...  laundry piles, dirty dishes stacked high, schooling to correct or to plan, phone calls to make, emails to write, ...the list is endless.  Where do I even start?

Lord, please order my day.  


This is where I started.  I decided to start by asking for His heart for my day.

Let me be clear, this doesn't come naturally to me.  It really doesn't.  Prayer is not my default; nor, is it where I go simply because I am a Christian.  No, actually, more naturally I worry.  Or, I make a list.  Or, I plan and work hard.  I work...  And worry and get frustrated.  And, maybe even a bit angry, annoyed that I had to do all this!  That is more "Stephanie" in-the-raw.

But, He is gentle and continues to teach.  To teach and to invite...  He invites me to so much more.

A friend of mine told me of a concept she learned in counseling once.  She said that patterns in life are learned over time.  We go to them in a familiar fashion.  Like reaching to the top drawer to find that every-day pair of socks, we reach for these patterns--- these reactions.  She was taught that in order to re-learn a new pattern (or unlearn an old, not-wanted pattern), you have to choose not to go to the top drawer.  But, to find "another" drawer (in your mind, your heart, your soul).  ...we have some choices in which "drawer" we will reach for...

My "I am overwhelmed" drawer is the top drawer for me.  In this top drawer are all sorts of "socks" like list-making and planning, worrying and frustration.  But, I have a choice, I can open another drawer first.  I can go to the "trust God and rest in Him" drawer.   Socks are necessary, yes.  Planning is certainly not a sin!  But, where do I reach first... that is the question.

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Every day I can choose.  I have another option.  ...another drawer.

Lord, please, You order my day.  What first?  You and Me... Your strength, Your plan, not mine.  


This is the drawer I chose to open.  The "I can trust my loving Father" drawer is an option!  In this drawer I find strength, peace and a firm foundation.  I also find surprises!  Things I didn't schedule or plan, or ask for... they show up in my day.  Gifts from Him come flowing into my life.  Gifts that might have the "look" of distraction or sabotage when I haven't asked; when I haven't turned my heart toward Him.  He brings these things to me when I ask Him to order my day.

What if I choose to pray all day, every day!  What if praying and abiding in Christ was my full-time job, my "task"... my primary work.  And, I did dishes while praying.  Not the other way around.  I didn't pray while I did dishes.  I did the dishes while I prayed.  And, I did laundry while I prayed.  And, I answered the phone while I prayed.  Prayer and abiding....  first.

Tornado house, laundry piles, school work to correct, emails to write---  I got a ton done!  I really did.  Can I write that and not sound self-promoting or "health-wealth" gospel-ish, or exaggeratory??  I got a ton done!!  ...I actually had time left over and very little stress today.  Time for a stop by friend who needed an hour of prayer together.  I had space for even this!  It was miraculous.  It was Him---from beginning to end.

I have so much to learn about abiding.  Teach me, Jesus!  And, please order my day.  

Absolutely Anything but God

It is amazing how easily man will choose most anything but Almighty God.

I just listened to a podcast.  This program is produced by a few people I know well and love deeply.  So, I listened intently... enjoying just hearing their voices.

The topic: random conversation about science and medicine.

As I listened to their discussions which included topics of quantum mechanics and the human brain, the further into the podcast I listened, the sadder I became.   Deeply sad.

In one way or another they were actually stating that science shows that we are not the center of the universe.  In their opinions, medical and scientific study seem to prove this earth and what we see before us is not everything there is.  There is more.  They excitedly discussed that we are most certainly part of something bigger, ...much bigger, than ourselves.    

Bigger than me.  Bigger than my life.  What a great, profound, and comforting truth!

But, in this podcast they were willing to describe this "other" as anything, absolutely anything, other than God.    There was a grand discussion, lively debate, about the fact that it is a real possibility that we could be living in a computer simulation.  ...manipulated or influenced by an intelligent being(s), or another intelligent civilization.

Computer simulation?  Really?  ...you open your eyes, you see the evidence that medicine and science point to... the fact that we are complex and there is so much more than what we see...  and you decide your best guess is that we are a part of some mad scientist's experiment, or a computer simulation.

Why o' why?  Why can't the eye-opened wonder, these undeniable facts of a universe that is vast and complex, ...lead you, or at least allow you, to conclude that we have a Maker.  And maybe, just maybe, that Maker is loving and kind.  Powerful and good.

Discussions were had about studies that show the human brain's ability to affect the universe.  Apparently studies show that when groups of people think 'together' on the same thing they can clearly make changes to circumstance.  What might this be?  Clearly, according to these friends, it is the brain's capacity when joined with other brains to send thoughts into the universe... the computer... and have an impact.  ? ? ?  Really?

 Could this be prayer?  Could it be, just could it be, that there is a loving Father in heaven that listens to the requests of His children and works on their behalf. This hypothesis would not be tolerated, to be sure, in the very scientific (non religious) discussion.

Ugh.  And Sigh...  I just feel sad.

These incredibly intelligent, clearly genius minds... and I mean that with sincerity and honestly,... are just missing it.  Why won't you even consider it?

They just seem to be willing to consider so many other possibilities except God.  Anything but God.

And I can't convince them.  And, science can't convince them.  And, discussion doesn't convince them... they have to meet Him.

That is what I ask for today.  I pray.  May they have a real, in-your-face, can't deny, deep and significant encounter with the Bigger than Life Creator, my Father.

******
After posting this yesterday, I read in a lovely book, The Princess and the Goblin, by George MacDonald a beautiful conversation between Irene, the princess, and her grandmother... ...where her grandmother kindly rebukes her with these words:  "People must believe what they can, and those who believe more must not be hard upon those who believe less.  I doubt if you would have believed it all yourself if you hadn't seen some of it."  

And, like Irene, I respond to this rebuke,  "Ah!  yes, grandmother, I dare say.  I am sure you are right."  

If I can?

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"If you can do anything to help..." the father pleads with Jesus for the healing of his son.  (Mark 9)
   
I can only imagine the agony this father has experienced.  I hate watching my children hurt.  It breaks my heart and it brings me to my knees asking God to heal, to protect and to help.
 
This father is no different.  He brings his son to find healing and when Jesus looks at him, he says, "If you can do anything to help, please take pity on us".  (Mark 9:22)

What was Jesus' response to this request?

"If I can?"  (Mark 9:23)

Can you just picture the scene.  The love and faith of this father is remarkable.  He believes enough to bring his sick son to the disciples and ask for help.  He is desperate. He watches and listened while the disciples argue with the Pharisees... about who knows what.

Then, Jesus returns from His heavenly-touches-earth-moment on the mount (the Transfiguration) and interrupts this confusing soiree with His presence.  His arrival breaks up the crowd, they are in awe.  And, Jesus is clearly annoyed.  "You faithless generation.  How long do I have to put up with you?"  (Mark 9:19).

And then He turns to the real issue at hand...  the boy and the father.

"Bring the boy to me", He commands.  Do you think the father might feel a little afraid, a little on-the-spot, maybe discouraged?  I don't know.  Maybe the look in Christ's eyes is one of compassion when He addresses this father.   But we do know that, because the demons are agitated, right there and then the boy goes into convulsions.  What agony the father must have felt every time the convulsions started.

And then he pleads...  "if you can... have pity".

Jesus rebukes him, steering him toward truth.  He responds to the father, "If I can? All things are possible for those who believe".  The father says profoundly, "I do believe.  Help me with my unbelief!"

I do believe, I say.  I do.  You know I do.  I really, really do. 
And, please Lord Jesus, help me with my unbelief!  


Right now I am reading a beautiful, beautiful story written by George MacDonald, The Princess and the Goblin.
   
I am only half way through and I am in love with this book!  It will top my favorite's list, to be sure.  What moved me today, though, is the amazing way MacDonald's reminds the reader about our need to remember--- or, our tendency to forget.

"'..child, you must come back to me.  If you don't, I do not know when you may find me again.'  'Oh! Please don't let me forget.'  'You shall not forget.  The only question is whether you will believe I am anywhere--whether you will believe I am anything but a dream.  You may be sure I will do all I can to help you come.  But it will rest with yourself, after-all.... During the whole of the week, Irene had been thinking every other moment of her promise [to visit], although even now she could not feel quite sure that she had not been dreaming.  Could it really be?"  (The Princess and the Goblin)

A dream.   ...we think, do we sometimes and somewhere deep within think, that this "all things are possible" spoken from Jesus is just a dream.  ...can it really be true?  Did He really mean all things?  We believe, yes!  And, we remember to believe right up to the moment we do forget.

Even my deepest, truest, most fervent belief is tainted by unbelief.  This is why we need Jesus so.  He reminds us.  He keeps pursuing us and keeps working on our behalf.  He invites us to believe.  And, rebukes us when we don't.  And, then he heals our sons and daughters.  He answers our prayers.  ...or doesn't (as we see it).  But, He can.  He can.

And we must bring Him our sons.  We must come.  We must ask.  We must keep looking for Him and seeking Him.

This is what He is reminding me tonight.
Ask me, Stephanie.  Pray.  Tell me what you need and what you want.  Ask and you will receive.  Believe and trust. Bring it to me.   

With a welling heart, full of hope, I say to Him, "I believe.  Help me with my unbelief".