Rugged, rough places in My Soul

I felt deep sadness.  I know his words were not meant to hurt.  He would never intentionally want to hurt me, I know this.  But, instantly, I could feel the pain welling.  The tears rose, slowly brimming at the edge---threatening to spill over.  Later, in the quietness and stillness of the morning hours, I could let them pour forth.  Sadness.  Just deep, profound sadness.  

Learning to stay curious about my emotions has been life changing.  I am so grateful for this gift.  

Why, Lord?  Not an intellectual question, as such... but, a soul question.  A question of wonder, awe, and simple curiosity.  I am asking God, the One who knows and sees all, to show me to me.  

Why, Lord?  Why did his words pain me so?  

It's old... deep, and old.  

Old, past wounds were surfacing with the simple scratch of his now words.  They touched something deep.  They touched a young me.  They hurt.  Not because he was hurting me.  They hurt because there was a painful spot, deep within, that was being poked.  Call it scars.  Call it a sore spot.  His words touched something before...  

But, we've looked at these many times, Lord.  

Yes, many, many times.  

So, why is this coming up again?  Why, Lord?  It feels so fresh.  Show me, Lord.  Show me, me.  

My life is dripping with abundance.  Truly.   So, why this sadness today?  It's not about today.

I asked and I sat.  I cried and I prayed.  I journaled.  I picked up the Scriptures and He opened my eyes, again, to His big, grand why-plan...  

In Isaiah 40, God speaks so tenderly to the heart of His people.  He tells them to be comforted. Comfort, comfort we hear Him say.  What comes in the next section surprised me and jumped off the page at me today...   They can be comforted because their sin is forgiven AND because..."Every valley shall be raised up.  Every mountain will be made low.  Every rugged and crooked place straight.  The rough places will be made a plain."(Isaiah 40:4)

This is WHY... this is the why-plan God is activating in my life as I stay curious about my painful, wounded past hurts.  

The truth is, in all of us---every. single. one.--- there are valley places, crooked places, and rough places in our souls.  He loving heart is to smooth us out.  He is clearing out the debris.  He is straightening out the wrong, bent parts of me.  Making me... inside me... a straight, plain place.  He is making me a green pasture.  

The words said to me this morning were not meant to hurt me, I know that.  They were innocent words that happened to fall upon a crooked place in me.  In the quiet and the stillness of moments with God, I can visit those crooked, bent places and have a look.  With Him, I can look intently at the pain.  I see the data point that is my strong, painful emotions.  I stay curious and ask the Spirit of the Lord, who knows all things, to show to me, myself.  And, I trust His work to raise up those valleys.  

Have Your good and loving way in me, Lord!  

Never Runs Dry

I needed more again today...  Unedited and re-posted from 2011. 

Will it run out?  my heart wondered, in the quietness of the morning.

Today I came to my Heavenly Father with a burden of sin.  Conviction of my sin weighed heavy on my soul.
  
Will your mercy and your forgiveness have a limit?  Will it run out?  

I know the Biblical, Theological, head-truth answer to my heart's question:  Of course not!!  Never!

When it says His love as unfailing in Scripture, does it mean anything less than un-failing?  When it says eternal, can it mean less than eternal?  When it speaks of His faithfulness being as high or long as the heavens?  Or, His love being as deep as the oceans?

When the Word of God tells me that God's mercies are new every morning, could He possibly be out of fresh mercy for today?  Could it be that He might finally say, 'Nope, not this morning, I am afraid.

Of course not! ...No!  Never!

His love.

His grace.

His mercy.

Each unfailing.  All boundless, unconditional, faithful and steadfast.  Always enduring and eternal.  Always new and freshly offered.  This, this!, is the truth of the matter...

And yet my heart wondered this morning, When will your grace to me run out?  When will you be fed-up with my wandering heart?  When will it be the "last straw"?

In the very moment of wondering, my Father answered this morning with a in-my-face real life example.

Here, let me show you...  He whispered.

As I was praying and seeking and wondering, right then!, my son disobeyed me.  Again.  Same disobedience.  How many times have we talked about this?  How many times have I reprimanded him and corrected his behavior.  He was doing it again... I could hear him in the other room.  Again.

Does your love and grace run out for your son?  my kind Father whispered into my aching, sinful heart.
  
Are you done with him, your sweet boy?  Is this the last straw?  You done loving him, Stephanie?  
  
No, Lord!  May it never be!!  my heart welled up with deep truth and emotion...  Of course not!! Never!!  
  
And He reminds me of this beautiful, theological, Biblical truth ...right in my today-home.

"If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask." (Matthew 7:11)

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Oh! How He surprises me with His eternal, everlasting, ever reaching love!!  Oh how He loves us!!  Oh how gracious our gentle, kind and loving Father is!!  I am struck a new today...  Fresh grace.  Fresh mercy.  Fresh love. ....that will never run out.  

"I know not a word which can express the surprise and wonder our souls ought to feel at God's goodness to us. Our hearts playing the harlot; our lives far from perfect; our faith, almost blown out; our unbelief often prevailing; our pride lifting up its accursed head; our patience a poor sickly plant, almost nipped by one night's frost; our courage little better than cowardice; our love lukewarmness; are ardor but as ice -- oh, my dear brethren!... we should indeed be surprised that the sun of divine grace should continue so perpetually to shine upon us, and that the abundance of heaven's mercy should be revealed in us." 

- Charles Spurgeon

Unedited and re-posted from 2011. 

My Advent

There are days when it all feels very heavy and dark.  The world.  The news.  The sadness.

But, today, I awoke with a sadness that was almost oppressive.  Sadness seemed to hang around my neck as I rose from bed.  It pulled me down and filled my chest as I sipped my coffee.  Grief sat in my throat as I ate and weighed heavy as I walked to church.  As worship began, the tears hung heavy in my eyes...  slow, big, fat, hot tears.

Heavy, dark sadness.

I was sad... deeply saddened by the state of my heart.

Simply put, in my life, there is a certain way of thinking and seeing that is just wrong.  Profoundly wrong.  I know it is wrong; and yet, I still think the crooked thoughts and see with these darkened eyes.  There seems to be nothing I can do to change it.   Years, my heart cries.  Years and years I have seen this way and battled against it.   Years, Lord!  I cry out...longing for this to be changed.

I even know why I might naturally think this way...   I am aware.  I know the history--- I understand the where it came from.  God has shown me.   And, that has helped.   Awareness is definitely good.

But, still.  Still, I can't shift it.  I can't seem to change or fix the pattern.  My friend refers to these places as tectonic plates in our souls.  I seriously need an big 'ol 8.0 to shake these set ways of seeing.  Where can I go and what can I do?

It was one moment in time...

One swift moment.  This morning, in the midst of this heavy grief over my sin...

One young man reading one well-known passage in Scripture. 

A phrase.  A line from the text.  The Word jumped out of his teenage mouth into my dark heart and there was instantaneous light.  I felt it.  One beautiful moment...   Truth and light.

I quickly found the passage to read it again.  I couldn't take my eyes off it!  I read and read.  As I read the Word, I could literally feel the surge of hope.  I could feel the light swelling and pushing out the sadness.

"Every valley shall be raised up.  Every hill made low.  The rough ground shall become level and the rugged places a plain." (Isaiah 40:4)

Rugged and rough places.  Dark valleys...

In my minds eye I could see the rough and rugged reality of my soul--- these wrong ways of thinking and the dark valleys where my eyes could not see rightly.

My soul.  Rough.  Rugged.  Thorny and full of stones.

As if I could hear the Spirit of the Lord this morning saying over me, "Make a straight path for our God!" (Isaiah 40:3)  He commands it.  The Lord wills it.  Over me, He speaks...  I will make it level!  

In me.  In and over these rough places.  In me... a straight path.  Level ground.  A green plain.  A straight pathway for the glory of the Lord.

This is the gospel.  This is what Jesus has done for me.  This is what Jesus is doing in me...   The now and the 'not yet'.  He has shifted.  He will shift.  And, He continues to shift the rocks and make way for His way in and through me.  I have seen it.  I will continue to see it.

Light shone into my darkness this morning.  This morning, I, once again, saw a great light.  The darkness will not overcome it.  He is making all things new.  This will shift.  This will change.

There are days when it all feels very heavy.  Yes.

Today, I will wait.  I will hope and I will watch for the Lord.  With joy, now, hovering over my head and light filling out the spaces of my heart---I wait.

My advent. 

"And then, imperceptibly, it was death and winter that yielded, and life and spring stood at the door and beckoned." ~ Elizabeth Goudge, Towers in the Midst

Hangover Headache and Heartache

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I have a hangover today.  

In this case it wasn't from a blog post, it was a *good* conversation that sent me internally puking.  I am reeling from a very real conversation and a "revealing" of some of my darkest yuck.  I shared my true self and now I feel the regret.  It still happens... regularly, these hang-overs---as I push into vulnerability and explore gut-honesty with myself and others.  

I chose it---and by God's grace, I will continue to choose it.  But, now I am feeling the consequences.  So, I re-post this blog entry from November, 2012, because I could easily have written it today.  

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"A vulnerability hangover" is what author and researcher, Brene' Brown calls it...

I have never been drunk.  So, I have never actually had a proper hangover; therefore, I can't say I know what one feels like.  But, I am guessing it isn't very comfortable!  I have heard a few stories and seen my share of instances.  So, I gather from the puking, purging and pounding-head that a hangover is never a positive things.

A vulnerability hangover isn't fun either.

Too much vulnerability... and you are destined for a sickening hangover!

Let's just say that each time I write a particularly vulnerable blog post---write something deep, hard, or ugly--- I experience the incredible urge to purge!

Within 2 hours of writing and "publishing" my post, I have this desire to go online and delete the post immediately.  Thoughts like:  "Too much", "too raw", "too weak"... pour over my mind.  If I resist the urge to "purge" the post, I then want to "purge" the blog...  "I just need to stop blogging".  "This is stupid".  "People don't want to read and hear this..."

And, if I resist the urge to delete my blog; then, the final 'hangover' symptom is to write a "nice" post.

There are nicer posts, right?  Posts that are true and right and encouraging.  I like those posts, too.  There are blog posts---still honest and real posts---about God's blessings, His gifts, His peace and His Word.  But, after I share one of my "I cried" or "I am in pain" posts--- I desperately want to get on quickly and write a "nice" post.  This last vulnerability-hangover-urge is an attempt to let you all know, "I am okay."  With a "nice" post, I assure you (and me) that "I am not in pain all the time".

I have resisted urge #1, and #2.  So, I am officially saying it now---without writing a "nice" post...

Readers, I am okay!

Did I need to say that?  I don't know.  But, the gut-wrenching urge within me was to communicate to you, my friends and readers, that I am not "the sick person", "the weak person", or "the messy person".  When the fact of the matter is... I am.

Why do I feel the deepest urge to write "I am okay... don't worry about me"?  Or, elsewhere--- other times in my life---why do I need to back away and tell you, "Please don't be bothered about me!"?

I am pretty sure it is because at some point in my life (probably more than one point!), I believed the lie that I am supposed to be perfect.  I am supposed to be "okay".  Not weak.  Not in-process.  Not a bother.  And, certainly, not messy.

Well, the truth is... I really am okay.  I am well.  And, happy.  And, at peace today.

But, it is also truth that I am a bit messy, too!!  Both.  And.

But, none-the-less, vulnerability and weakness are hard for me.   I talked to the Lord about this today--- can I just delete that post or this blog, Lord?  ... I felt prompted to keep on sharing, keep on posting, and keep on getting drunk on vulnerability.  Courage to share weakness is one cure to perfectionism!

And, so I "drink" the healthy carrot-orange-alka selzer juice concoction of this blog post to bring a little healing to my hangover!

That said, right about now I am feeling a bit over-vulnerable---tipsy, you might say----so give me about 4 hours and I will be sick with my vulnerability hangover from this post...

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Maybe I will write soon about the blessings, growth and strength that have come with deep honesty and, the pushing into, vulnerability.   The benefits are innumerable and priceless, to be sure.  Maybe I will share...  but, today, I am just reeling a bit.  

Healthy Tears

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She really does cry a lot.   My sweet girl.

She can cry easily when angry or sad.  She can cry when she is happy or surprised.

In fact, she cried again on Sunday.  She was sharing about a loved one that is in pain and hurting.  She wanted prayer.  She cried her way through the request and the prayer.  It worried the youth leader a bit, I think.  It doesn't worry me.

She cries while she worships and she cries while talking about friends she loves.  She cries while others gather around and pray.  Compassion, justice and mercy issues being one of the top "sure" things that will make this sweet girl cry.  Tears come very freely to her and I truly, genuinely love this about her.

I love that she cries.

You see, I can't.  I have trouble crying.  I always have.  Well, I should say, I always have---as far as I can remember.  Did I cry more at one time in my life, I don't know.   But, in these adult years... these past 20 years, to be sure... tears are hard to come by for me.  It isn't that I am not sad.  It isn't that I don't have sadness and pain that could fill a bucket of tears.  I do.  I just can't seem to cry them out.   I am learning.  And, I am crying a bit more these days.  I have indeed asked God for this gift of tears.  And, He has answered slowly.    But tears don't flow freely for me like they do for my girl.

Free flowing.  Freedom.

Last night before bed she asked her daddy how it is that I contain my emotions so easily.  She was asking, so it seemed, in manner of admiration.  How does Mom do it?! she wanted to know.  She wanted to learn the trick.


Oh!  Baby-girl, you don't need to learn how to suppress tears!  Yes, there are appropriate times and places.  And, you will learn that.  You are learning that, already.  But, please don't learn from me how to not cry!  Your tears are beautiful.  Just beautiful.  Please keep crying.  

Today in science, we read the most fascinating thing about tears.  Did you know that the tears you shed while cutting an onion, or getting sand in your face, are different than the tears you shed when you feel a strong emotion?  These two type of tears are unique from each other and have different chemicals.  One has the chemicals needed to protect the eye and fight off disease.  The other, the emotional tears, have three remarkable, medicating chemicals to help you handle the strong emotions.

"These chemicals include manganse [to calm you], luicine-enkephalin [a chemical to control pain], and the adrenocorticotrophic hormone [to help cope with stress].  When you get rid of these chemicals by crying, the net effect is to make you feel better.  By releasing these toxins, then, the tears serve to chemically and physically make you feel less depressed!  Thus, it really is true that you tend to feel better after a good, long cry.  ...the emotional tears we shed are a gift from a Designer.  Since He built in us the capacity for emotions, He also built in us the ability to deal with those emotions.  One of those is the ability to sit down and have a good, long cry." ~  Dr. Jay L Wile, Exploring Creation with General Science.  

My girl smiled big when we read this section today.  She laughed and said, "I must be very healthy-- Releasing all those toxins!"  She isn't wrong.

She is healthy!  It must be because she cries alot.

Cold Heart Warmed

I woke up this morning feeling cold.  Not physically cold, but emotionally and spiritually cold.

I put on my slippers and poured my coffee... hoping one of those would warm me.  They didn't.  

I sat in my quiet, small place---my chair--- and covered my lap with the blanket.  Would that warm my heart?  It didn't.  And, I read God's word.  My heart cold.  Blah.  

Lord, where are you today?  Where am I... was probably a better question.  

Cold and dark... like the morning, I woke up and couldn't be stirred to warmth.  

In those moments, I must rely on what I know to be True.  In these cold moments there is very little heart.

I know Father God invites me, commands me, to love Him with all that I am; my mind, my heart and my soul.  But, in the cold moments I must love Him with my head... and wait.  

Believe and wait on the Lord, Stephanie.  Draw near to God and He will draw near to you.  

Rising from my chair, I methodically put on my walking boots, slung on my warm heavy coat, and placed the hat on my head.  Worship music in my right ear and my dog's leash in my left had, I walked into the chill of the morning air.  

Song after worship song spoke truth into my mind... and no heart response.  ...just words in my ear.  

Beauty all around me, sun rising... pink clouds, green trees with beautiful dying orange-leaved friends next door...  and yet, no heart response 

I believe Lord, help me with my unbelief!   Tears now began to well up, to brim, and form in my eyes... frustration with my cold heart.  

Keep walking on, keep looking up.  Keep waiting...  He will draw near.

Finishing my walk, on the homestretch, I heard the words to a familiar song.  Was it song #5 or #6 this morning?... I don't know, the songs had just played into my ear.  Cold words.  But in an instant something changed.  These words spoke near.  Nearness.  He spoke something deep into my heart.    

"Who taught the sun where to stand in the morning..." 

I was watching this sun rise, His sun rise...  and with these words, my heart was stirred.   ...there was movement in my soul.    In that moment, I knew--- more than in my head--- that my Redeemer is Alive!

The Truth I had been trusting with my mind was the same; firm and unchanging... Nothing had changed about Who God was, Where He was, or what is True about Him!!  But, the coldness, in that instant melted with a moment of worship!

In the cold of the morning, I was warmed.   

Off Kilter.

Out of sorts.  Out of whack.  A bit askew.

That is how I have felt today.  ...just not myself.   This is how I feel, even now.

My mood was stained this morning by a bad dream.  Two bad dreams, actually.  And, throughout the day, I have felt just--- out-of-it---

As I have prayed, or attempted to pray, through the day... I have felt stilted and tired.  My house just felt dark today.  ...not ominous or sad, exactly... just gray and dark.  A cloud hanging. 

But, even as I write this, I am reminded that in reality... nothing has changed.  There is nothing, at all, different from today and yesterday.  Well, nothing, I should say... but my mood.

Moods fluctuate.  At least, mine do.

But my Father in Heaven is a firm, immovable strength.  He hasn't changed.

Who He is, and who I am in Him, doesn't ever change.  The solid-ness of God Almighty fills my mind with beautiful, Biblical images of a fortress...  a rock.  He is my strong tower.  So, the wind and waves aren't even lapping my boat--- but, they feel like they are--- and still He remains solid and unmoved.

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So, the shifting shadows descended on my head today, yes.  But, my God never changes.  He never shifts.  And, this thought flickers a bright light in my soul.  This Truth opens my soul and allows me to take a deeper breath tonight. 

"Whatever is good and perfect comes to us from God above, who created all heaven's lights.  Unlike them, [and me], He never changes or casts shifting shadows." (James 1:17)

Gray Skies... gray mood

The weather this week has been magical. So warm. So sunny! Then, the sun left yesterday in the snap of a finger. One moment passed and it was gone.

I watched it happen. Before my eyes the sky changed.

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When the sun left, the gray and rain came. And, out with the sun seemed to go my happy mood.

I wouldn't have said that I am particularly affected by weather, nor very 'solar-powered'; but, I felt this one... I have struggled to feel 'happy' since the sun left yesterday.

...struggled today to crawl out of bed into the cold, dark morning. ...struggled to do this and do that. ...struggled to enjoy even my afternoon coffee...

So, I decided (just now!) that the very best thing I could do was to "count!" and remember the abundance of blessings that rains down on me every day!! So, I stand up (on the inside--- smile) and raise my face to God and say, "Thank you!". ...asking that He would shine into my life and my heart--- because in heaven there is no need for sun, it says. And, so, He can certainly give me all the spiritual vitamin-D I need; and, thankfulness is a good place to start!

The sharing of my list here today is a spiritual act, a discipline, of worship!!

Here is a portion of my list from this past week... counting my way to 1,000 gifts with Ann and other folks at http://www.aholyexperience.com/2011/10/why-christians-are-the-happiest-of-all/:

#928. His name that delivers me from nightmares.

929. A miracle of a healed sore throat.

930. Safety in our home--- His rod and His staff they comfort me.

931. Spontaneous generosity seen in the actions of my son.

932. Helpfulness and alertness seen in the sweet, kind, serving actions of my daughter.

933. Birthday gifts all wrapped in pink and ready to give.

935. Prayers said while picking blackberries.

937. Watching him love me in my love language---vacuuming the rug.

940. Feeling so proud of my man.

943. Invited to go deeper with God... beyond my head.

944. Sweet faces of newly painted ceramic animals.

Do you seen how close I am to logging 1,000 gifts?!!! I am on the home stretch and enjoying the hunt each day.

Do you want to see other portions of my lists? --------------> click on "thankfulness" in my "topics" list and worship with me!

Anger's covering

I was so angry. The circumstances don't really matter... but, all of a sudden, I found myself angrier than I have been in a long time. Shaking kind of mad... The kind of angry where tears come and they aren't from sadness. I was mad.

Now, 24 hours later, I am processing all the anger that rose from within. Where did it come from? Yes, the situation was legitimately frustrating. And, yes, maybe the injustice was worthy of anger... maybe. But, not that kind of anger that steams up my back, into my head... and yes, out of my mouth!

Now, as I look back it with 20-20 vision I can see where I may have gone wrong. The situation I had found myself in was not correctable. It was as it was. I couldn't have done anything different to make it less frustrating, or wrong. But, I do know that I could have experienced it differently. Had I put a little space, a small prayer, a simple/quick internal recognition of Father would have stamped out the anger, or dampened it. I know. It has "worked" before. It is amazing the "peace that surpasses understanding" that can guard my heart, my mind and my mouth when I pray.

In hindsight, I now clearly see that God gave me a little space. I can clearly see that moment I could have stopped and asked for His presence. He gave me a small moment, a space, to acknowledge Him as Lord --- Lord over the storm. I could have rested and had peace to cover the anger.

I have heard that a good definition of humility is "power under control". THAT is what I needed yesterday. The power of my anger, right or wrong, was not under control. I did not submit those feelings... even in an instant, or whispered prayer... to my Lord. I wasn't humble. In fact, much of the depth-anger that rose up was most certainly (I can see now) from place of pride. ...my rights had been violated! How dare you say that, do that, act that way to ME? ...No, I didn't have those thoughts. But, clearly, I was not humble and clearly my anger was not covered by His mercy, His peace, nor His Lordship.

Will I learn this Lord? I wonder sometimes when these things happen if I will ever take a step forward... and then He reminds me of His faithful love, His constant work, His grace. I am reminded of the fact that truly it has been a long time ... a really long time, since I was that angry. And, well... that is a step forward of sorts. I guess, I would prefer a leap. Perfection today, please!!

He gave me space yesterday, to accept the covering of His Presence. I didn't take it. I want to learn to submit, and respond to that invitation. Lord, teach me to cover all my emotions in You. Lord, teach me to invite you in and to humble myself, asking in all circumstances for Your help and Your Presence. Teach me to live under Your covering-peace, that which can guard my heart and my mind in Christ Jesus.

Spaghetti Sauce

It is truly amazing what will shake my peace and steal my joy. Today it was spaghetti sauce.

I know it sounds seriously wrong to admit that splattered spaghetti sauce (twice, I might add!) on my new sweater would send me into a *mild* tantrum. But, it did. Joy gone. Peace squashed. ...all because of the spaghetti sauce!

I was just so mad. And, it wasn't supposed to happen! I was being so careful. And, still it slopped, spattered, and jumped out of the pot ALL over my clothes. ...down my leg and even onto my sock.

There are moments, I think, when I almost stand outside myself looking in. In this moment, when I "arghh"-ed my way to the sink. "Man!" I said ... "No!!"... "Ahhh!" I said under my breath, as I headed quickly to the sink to attempt a sweater rescue... (but actually just spread the spaghetti sauce wider with water and deeper into my new (light colored) sweater! ) Can you just feel the frustration?

But, truly, I could almost stand outside myself and watch my reaction, my behavior. Or was it me watching? Right smack dab in the middle of the frustrating moment, there was almost a..., shall we say,...a still small voice... commenting as I stomped, and scrubbed, and ranted. "Really? This reaction?" it seemed to say. Was it my own voice or my own conscience? ...was it the Spirit of God? Was this His voice? I do believe the Holy Spirit of Christ lives in me and around me. Was it Him watching on and speaking to me?

I will say that this watching-commentary of sorts was kind in tone. I wasn't hearing condemnation. I was hearing more of an invitation really. ...a whisper somewhere in my soul that said, without words, "This doesn't have to rock you." This doesn't have to be that big of a deal. You can be unmoved by this.

I know God invites me to perfect peace. His invites me to have an unshakable faith and a trust that is solid, and unmovable. I know that He says it is possible to be thankful in all circumstances and to rejoice in difficulties. He tells me I can do all things without complaining or arguing. He tells me that His strength gives me power to do all things. He says I can rest in Him. He invites me to all this and more.

Is splattered spaghetti sauce outside of this promise and invitation? I don't think so.

Kind, gentle Father continue to teach me about You, Your peace, and Your Presence. Father, please fill me to full. May the peace of your son, Christ truly rule, and reign over me. May every moment of my day be filled and sustained by the power of You and Your strength.

Extra Emotion

We laugh in our house sometimes because our daughter walks around with "extra emotion" and our son has two emotions... hunger and thirst. Today my daughter was not alone in her extra emotions. Me, too, sweet girl!

It was my son's birthday today. I realized today that I no longer have a baby and with this thought I felt just a bit sad to start my day. Now mind you, he is eight years old, so maybe my realization is a little slow... but, today it just hit me harder than I expected--- I don't have a baby anymore and I will likely not again have a baby. I just really loved my babies...

Before my eyes they just seem to grow so fast. I want them to grow, of course,... what mom wouldn't!... but, I also want them to stay close, snuggled on my my lap, looking up at me with those eyes that say, "I want to marry Mommy someday". (He did say that one time when he was three or four years old!).

So, what is it that makes me feel that tinge of sadness exactly? Is it worry as I wonder after the changes time will make on my son and our relationship? It should change, of course... Oh! I feel the tug of those "apron strings" already! Is it fear? Is it even sad? Can I name it at all? I don't know that "sad" really defines it well. What is this extra emotion? It just feels like my heart is full... and being stretched, maybe. It is like my insides are being tugged on a bit and the tugging brings tears just right to the brim of my eyes as I watch him grow and change.

I am enjoying a new book this week, Instructing a Child's Heart, by Tedd Tripp. I have only read the first two chapters, but tonight while reading... I had just a lot of extra emotion! While reading just one chapter, I felt first "encouraged" because I had "done that right" and next I felt deflated because "well, I missed that one!" Too funny... the shifting shadows of mood and emotion.

So, when I find myself in this place of "extra emotion", I am blessed by God's word. My place of refuge and peace is the Word of God.

"My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from Him.
He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken" (Psalm 62)
I was blessed tonight as He reminded me again of His rock-like quality, His faithfulness, His fortress-like immovability. These stationary qualities of my Father are a great encouragement to my soul. My Father is unchanging and immovable. There is no darkness in Him at all. ...no shifting shadows. He is a rock. He is our fortress. He is a strong tower to be run into... Ah! The beauty of these Truths when my emotions are in flux... even just mildly.

So, tonight, my Rock God...I hand to you my extra emotion--- whatever it may be named. And, I rest on You. I rest in You tonight.

Rocks beneath the Waves

I am getting quite familiar with our Welsh coast here. Our family loves to walk or drive down and enjoy the beauty of the rocky beach. With layers and layers of rock below your feet, you can walk almost a half a mile out before reaching water. The "foreshore" (as it is known here) is truly immense. Today I went to the beach to pray and I saw such a sight! It was a different coast. I was at my familiar coast, but it looked like a different place. The tide was so high that the foreshore was completely covered. There was almost no shore at all. The sea had rose so high that it was now 10, 15, maybe 30 feet above the rocks that we normally walk on and explore. The raging waves were totally covering the very places we had walked only days before. This is a picture of my heart and life lately. The Rock, the truth that I walk in or stand on one day is covered quickly by the tide of emotions, circumstance and stress. If someone was to visit our coast today for the first time, they would never know that there were miles of rock beds to explore. If someone were to look at my life these last few weeks, they may not know that I walk securely on Jesus,my Savior. They wouldn't be able to see that I know I am loved by a kind Father and that I know the beginning and end to the story of life. These "rocks" of truth have been covered by raging waves of life lately. But, as I sat and looked at our Welsh coast today, I only had to remember last weeks walk. I could picture my son searching for fossils, shells and the perfect stick to take home from the shore. Even though all I looked upon today was deep water and waves, I can know for certain there is a fabulous shore underneath. I have walked that fabulous foreshore! So it is true for my life in the midst of changing emotions and moods... the tides. I know Who my Father is! It only takes a minute to rehearse truth and remember the walks, the talks, the times I have had with Him this week. I have walked there! I am certain that there is a very strong Rock under those waves. Covered today... yes, but it doesn't negate the fact that it is still, very much, there! And, I am also reminded that the tides will change. By definition tides come and go. The tide will change at my beach and the tides will change in my life. The waves of discouragement and frustration do not change the fact that there is a very-present Truth, a Rock that is unmoved below those waves. I can remember and stand on that Rock. I will once again (many times!) walk amongst and stand on those rock beds on our lovely Welsh coast. I will again (many times!) walk in and stand on the rocks of Truth. I will again have moments with a quiet sea.

Oh Yeah! Culture Shock

They told me that I would be surprised. They said it would surprise me when I moved to a country where I speak the same language. They told me I would have culture stress. Pridefully, I inwardly laughed at their assumptions. I have lived in three cultures in Asia, for goodness sakes! How can any stress of culture surprise me?! I am a "veteran" overseas worker. Right!? I know what cross cultural work looks like. I have experienced stress of moving overseas many times before. ...so she thinks before hand. So much pride in one little person!

But, they said I would go through culture stress. Culture shock. Defined as "the stress that occurs when you change to a different way of living in a new culture. It is what you experience as you move beyond understanding the culture to making it your own so that you accept the customs, becoming comfortable and at home with them."

After my "moods" blog this morning, I looked at the symptoms of PMS online. Ah, that must be it, I thought! And, then I told my husband "Honey, I think I am having serious PMS" (which I really have never suffered greatly from in the past). I told him I was having PMS. He literally threw his head back and laughed at me. He said through the laughter, "And what do I have?!" Still laughing, he said, "I most certainly don't have PMS and I am feeling and behaving exactly as you are!".

So, I go online again this evening and find the symptoms of culture stress or shock:
--anxious feeling --sadness --moodiness and irritability --insomnia --becoming obsessive about work or school --restlessness --feeling of isolation and loneliness --intense homesickness --lowered self-esteem --concentration problems --poor work performance --preoccupation about going home --continuous fear about the people, the food, the water --increased criticism and even hatred of the local culture

The symptoms are almost identical to PMS! Seriously, though! That is too funny. Or not so funny if your are experiencing either...

Okay, so, I either am PMSing my socks off (and so is my husband)... or I am, indeed, in culture stress.

I am surprised at the level of culture stress I am experiencing. Humble pie.

They told me...

Changing sky...shifting moods

The sky in Wales is always moving. It is really quite remarkable and like nowhere I have ever lived. I look up and never know what I will find at any given moment. ...Blue skies, grey skies, wispy clouds, puffy white clouds on the move through the blue sky... all in one day. The cloudy movements are amazing! It seems lately my moods are much like the Welsh sky.

My moods are always moving and changing. In one day I can have bright moments, grey moments and harried "wispy" moments. I woke up this morning feeling up and ready to start the week. I woke up and spent a significant time in God's word, praying and sitting in His presence. I felt love for my God, my family and energized! And, then the most insignificant thing changed this feeling in an instant. As silly as it sounds, it was the cell phone today. I couldn't figure out how to work my new cell phone--- the buttons, the pull down menus, ugh!--- I almost lost it! My mood shifted so fast. I was instantly annoyed and harried. From peace to frustration in a moment. Like the winds, the clouds and the color of the sky here, so were my moods. Shifting moods.

I really hate this about me. I so want this to be different. It isn't always as "bad" as it has been of late; but, certainly I can say I am always more affected by circumstances than I would like to be. What needs to change? What can I do to make this different? I can't change the sky in Wales. Can I change my shifting moods? Can I do anything?

As I sit here thinking I realize that all I can do is quickly see the shift and then react accordingly. In regards to Welsh weather, when I see the dark clouds on the horizon, I know I need to get outside quickly and get the laundry off the line. When I see the wind blowing and the clouds moving swiftly, I know it would be a good idea to bring a rain coat along on our outing. In fact, I know it is always a good idea to bring a rain coat along when you go out... even if the sky is blue new. Maybe this is what I need to do with my moods.

I did this the other day. I was frustrated with something (does it even matter what!?) and instantly annoyed. Instead of "responding" in angry words, huffs and stress, I actually lifted my hands to the Lord. A physical act of "response", a "rain coat" for the coming rain. I lifted my hands and said out loud, "I surrender Lord. I trust You Lord". Maybe that would have helped this morning. Had I put the phone down even for a few seconds, held up my hands and said, "I need You Lord to be my peace" Just a moment to put my rain coat on, and maybe my reaction would have been different. Maybe I wouldn't be so embarrassed, ashamed and sad at my response to the shifting moods. Hmmm...

Lord, teach me to see the winds of change as they approach (from without and within!) and to respond to them accordingly. I can't change the circumstances of life. I can't change my shifting moods, just as I can't change the Welsh sky. But, I can prepare for it and I can respond to it in a way that glorifies You. Teach me, Lord to carry my emotional and spiritual "rain coat"--- for You have given me armor! Your word says You have given me a helmet, a breastplate, a belt, a shield, shoes and a sword --- much better than any waterproof raincoat here!