Forgiveness

We are indeed fragile beings, aren't we?  

We are hurt so very easily.  Our bodies break.  Our minds are being bent.  Our emotions shift like shadows.  

Oh! How very vulnerable are our minds, our bodies and our hearts!  As the news unfolds, the tides of anger rises, anxiety rules and chaos seems to be the reigning voice of our times, my heart feels like it is breaking here and there and everywhere.  

From where I sit, I believe, this is the time for forgiveness and the Prince of peace to reign!  

In the last two weeks, I have heard three distinct stories of forgiveness.  In each beautiful case, forgiveness has brought such freedom!  ...A lifting felt physically ...a straightening of a bent mind... and a calming of the shifting flood of emotions.  The antidote is forgiveness.  

We all need it.  I need to be forgiven.  Every. single. day.  

And, I need to forgive.  Every. single. day.  

I was once asked to sum up "Marriage Advice" in one word.  My word:  forgiveness.  I would sum up all relationship advice with this one word:  forgiveness.  

In short, forgiveness is His amazing love in me and His love working it's way through me to another person.  

So... today, here is my offering to you...  a spiritual exercise I wrote a while back.  I have used it myself often.  I know others that have benefitted.  ...in fact, this practice (not the sheet of paper, but the activity), is how I generally live my every day life.  

...forgiving the grocery store clerk who was rude.  

...forgiving the friend who forgot to invite me.

...forgiving the stranger who made that comment.  

...forgiving my husband for not doing what he said he would.

...forgiving the one who should have been 'there' for me and isn't.  

...forgiving ... forgiving...  the horrific offenses, the big, the bad, the ugly, and the small offenses.  

May this practice bless your fragile being as it is protected by the Prince of Peace and His amazing forgiveness.  (FEEL FREE TO COPY AND PASTE AND PRINT IT OUT).  Or, send me an email and I'll send it to you as a PDF, happily.  

---------------------------------

·        Spiritual Exercise:  “Forgive”

·        Set aside at least 40 minutes for uninterrupted.  Sit in a quiet with your Bible, a piece of paper, and a pen. 

·        Start your time with a quiet prayer of surrender to God’s leading.  Ask His Spirit to guide and lead you. 

• ·        Open your Bible and read Matthew 18: 21-35.  Read it two times through slowly.
• ·        Close your eyes and ask the Lord, “Please show me who I need to forgive.”  What comes to mind?  Simply write down the name(s) that come to mind.  If there are more than one name, write down each name and leave space around it.  Later, you will be writing something else around and near the name. 
• ·        Sit for a significant amount of time and prayerfully consider if you can willingly forgive these names.  If you are struggling with the whole list (more than one person), then focus on one at a time.  Ask God for help: Lord Jesus, by Your Spirit, help me to forgive.  Lord, forgive through me.
• ·        When you feel ready to forgive at least one person on your list, then take some time and write down--- next to the name--- WHAT they did to you---as simple and succinct as you can.  (i.e. they ‘said ____’, they ‘did ____’, they ‘didn’t do’ ____…)  Do this with each person you are ready to forgive. 
• ·        Now take a prayerful minute, ask the Lord to help you know how this action made you feel.  Ask the Lord to show you WHY it hurt.  How did their action hurt you or why was it wrong.  Write it down.  (i.e.  “it made me feel unloved”, “I felt vulnerable”, “I was afraid”).  [it can be very helpful to use a feeling list to help, just google "feeling words list"]
• ·        After you have written the name, what they have done and how it impacted your heart, then pick up your paper and hold it out in front of you.  Show it to the Lord.  As you are holding it out, say (out loud if possible), Lord, do you see this? Father, You see what they have done and how it has hurt me.   Hold it there and ask again.  Sit with this for a moment. 
• ·        Can you give this to God and lay it down?  If you can, literally, lay it down… on the floor, or the table.  Physically let go of it.  Pray.  You may say something like:  Lord, I give this to you.  It is yours to deal with… I had it over to you, Lord.  I choose to forgive and offer grace.    If you can pray this out loud, it can be very helpful.  [If you can do this with someone you trust as a witness that can be helpful, too.  They can say:  “I witness your forgiveness”]
• ·        After some time, pick up the paper and, somewhere on the sheet, write out “Forgive one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” (Ephesians 4:32)
• ·        Tell God that you forgive each one and what you are forgiving them for.  i.e. Lord, I forgive ____ for saying _____, OR, I forgive _____ for making me feel insignificant. 
• ·         On each name, write “FORGIVEN” in big writing across the name.  
• ·        Take a few minutes and pray “blessing” for each of these you have forgiven.  i.e. “Father, bless her with peace.”  “Father, I ask she would know you.”  “Bless him with repentance.” 
• ·        Now, choose what you will do with this paper---some feel the need to keep it as a reminder.  Some feel the need to throw it out, to rip it up, or to burn it.  What do you need to do? 
• ·        As you close your time, ask the Lord to help you to know His love and forgiveness for you and to give you grace to walk in this release.  Tell Him you intend to hand it to him again and again, if it comes up  in your mind/heart. 
• ·        To strangle out any remaining anger toward a person, whenever you think of them, speak a prayer of blessing for them.  Blessing is the way Jesus gave us to walk in freedom from hate/bitterness. In the beginning they may come to mind A LOT, you will be blessing them many times a day!  But, it will lessen over time--- and you will feel free.  

 

·        Name              What they did                  How it made me feel                       Blessings for them

 

 

Dirty, dirty world

Dirty, dirty world

Oh dear!  

My shoes, Lord!?!  

Do you see?  

I'm sorry, Father.  

I only went out walking... 

The mud today was very deep. 

And, now, Lord... 

Do you see? 

My boots are covered in muck. 

Mud lingering up my leg. 

Dirty, heavy, drowned in sludge

What shall I do?  

Easily cleaned, you say?

Stand still a moment.

Simple water will do the trick.

Cold, uncomfortable, but easy to clean.

Thank you Father!

Cleanse my muddy boots.

Wash away the muck of today's world.

Wash my hands, my feet, and my head, too!

"Jesus answered, A person who has had a bath need only to wash his feet"   John 13:10

Always a Way Out

Photo Source

As I approached the book of Leviticus, I must be honest...  I was a little wary.  My journey slowly through the Old Testament, looking for the Father's heart, has (up to this point) been such a delightful blessing of revelation and awe.  I have seen God's heart time and time again in these first books and have enjoyed getting to know Him better as we journey through His words together in conversation.

But, Leviticus...  hmmm...  I  must admit it took me a week---maybe it has been even two weeks---to even attempt the first "crack" into the book.  Who really wants to read Leviticus?

Lord, show me Your heart here...  

I shouldn't be too surprised to find, though, that actually I have already had a beautiful glimpse into the heart of God in this book.  I really believe God loves this request---show me You, show me Your heart!

As I read, I am struck over and over again at God's provision.

He knows people.  He knows His people very well.

He knows what we will do and what we need.  He is obviously keenly aware that we will sin---both intentionally and unintentionally.  It is just taken for grated.  It is like He is saying, 'Of course, they will, that is why they need me!!'  So, He gives them "a way out" right from the beginning.

Our faithful and compassionate God!!  Slow to anger and always ready to love...  He sets up a system ready and waiting for us to sin.  We will.  And, He knows this.  ...so He gives us a way to make amends.

Just finishing Leviticus 6 yesterday, it struck me how often I had read this phrase in the passing six chapters:  they will be forgiven.

They will be forgiven.  Now and in the future, this is the heart of God for His people.  For me and for you.  He always offers a way forward.  He always opens the doors for repentance and forgiveness.

I am amazed by the grace in which I stand (Romans 5:2).  Feet planted firmly in a deep puddle of grace, I have been forgiven.  I have placed my hand on the head of the suffering Jesus, my sacrifice (Leviticus 4:4) and I am saved!

It is never too late to walk forward and turn again to Him.  This is His heart.  It has always been His heart.  Don't be wary any longer.  Journey in.  Take His way out, today!  He knew.  He knows you will sin.  He offers a way-out and waits with love...

Chewing on Mercy

Photo source

Bits n' bobs*.  That is often how I experience God speaking.  Here and there. A little bit from here and a 'bob' from there---slowly, over time, a theme begins to emerge.  From His Word, His people, a song, a book, nature, and His still small voice whispering into my soul... He speaks. And, if I am listening, I begin to hear Him.

I just finished an excellent book on forgiveness.  Not an easy topic for anyone.  I know.  This author certainly doesn't skirt the reality of hard. And, in fact, emphasizes the truth that calling offense: "pain", "wrong" and "real", is an important step in genuine forgiveness.  In order to truly forgive we have to look the reality square in the face... take account, and remember.  Not easy.  For anyone.  I know. How in the world do we ever truly forgive?

Through the whole book, one particular phrase jumped off the pages at me and has been swimming in the recesses of my mind for these weeks.  The words like chewing gum... only the taste doesn't go away... it gets stronger and more pungent.

I have been chewing on these words...  Love mercy**

The author takes this phrase from Micah 6:8, where Micah reminds us what God wants of us:  To love mercy... 

As I have chewed  on this phrase, there have been many thoughts feeding me from this theme.  A pinch of this and a tablespoon of that...  The flavor of the phrase is coming alive.

Those who have been forgiven much, love much.  (Luke 7:47)

Love that comes from God...  (1 John 4:7)

And, mercy triumphs over judgement... are just a few.  (James 2:13)

What might it look like for me to live in this truth, day-in-and-day-out:  to love, delight in, rejoice in, run-to... mercy.   To choose mercy first.   To choose mercy toward my family, my friends, my neighbors... and myself.

When I feel the natural urge to correct or to speak... love mercy.
When I want to punish... rejoice in mercy.
When he has done that yet again... adore mercy.
When I feel mis-understood... delight in mercy.
When I fall to temptation and feed my face with other loves...  relish and receive mercy.

Love it, Stephanie.  Love mercy.

Oh how I DO love mercy!  What would I do without it?  Where in the world would I be without the mercy of God!?  I do love mercy.  But, help me with my un-love, Lord.

Gently, the Lord whispers an invitation to my heart...  Love much.  Can you be merciful ---love mercy---in this situation, Stephanie?  Right now, here.  Today, can you love much?  

Just chewing and tasting...

"Love is the last thing we need to ration in this world"~Brene Brown, Rising Strong

*Bits n bobs phrase **Definition of mercy

Grace for a Cracked Little One

photo source

It cracked!  Oh no!!  

It cracked and we both instantly felt afraid.

Straight through the delicate, beautiful, pink flowers was an obvious crack.

Mom!!!  Mom, what do I do!?  The look in her eyes was sheer panic. I felt it, too.

The heat of shame flushed down my neck as I realized what had just happened.  The borrowed tea cup had just cracked!

They had freely given my daughter this precious item to use... but, it had also come with a warning.  Be careful!  Please be careful, she had said, it is very fragile.  She had been careful!!  I watched her carefulness.  Proud of her, I watched as she heeded the generous warning...

But it didn't matter.  This precious piece of history was now leaking tea...  it had cracked.

My girl had just needed one more tea cup and saucer for the Christmas tea she was hosting.  Last minute, we asked around... neighbors.  And, this one was given.

It was 50 years old.  Bought on a honeymoon to commemorate a marriage.  A precious treasure that was then stored away... hardly ever used.  But, freely given.  They wanted her to use it.

And, she had been so very careful with it!

But, it clearly cracked and leaked.  We both felt afraid and ashamed.

Mom, what do I do!? 

In that moment, I calmly advised her to lay it down.  She had done her best, I told her.  We would deal with the problem after the party.

Lay it down, my sweet girl. 

Go enjoy your party.  Enjoy your friends.  It is not a worry for now.  Lay it down. 

Sweet girl, they will be graceful.

These last words were spoken with a hopeful prayer behind them.  Oh! Father, help them to be graceful!

We hang on so tightly to things, don't we!?  We treasure this world and our homes and our bodies.  We grasp and we grab and we just tug a bit tightly.  Or, at least, I do.  When our world and our bodies and our things break---we feel angry, we feel hurt.  It hurts when our things crack.

What grief might this cracked-precious-thing bring to my dear friends?  The thought made my stomach turn.

The Christmas tea went off without another hitch.  The giggling and singing of girl-friends wafted through the house.  She had moved on and enjoyed!

But, she hadn't forgotten.  After the laughter died down, the games were finished and the party was over, she looked at me again with fear.  Go with me, please, Mom!  I need you.   We walked hand-in-hand.  We walked the tiny, delicate, now-damaged memento home to her owners.

Do you know what they said...

The word grace hardly even describes the response.  It felt bigger, sweeter, and even more tender than grace.

The minute my sweet girl confessed the crack, those old eyes sparkled and even laughed a bit with light in them, "Oh!  Honey! Don't you worry another minute.  I am so sorry you were troubled about it at all.  Honey, I am going to heaven soon... and I am NOT taking this with me!"

I am not taking this with me! 

As we left, I thanked her for her grace.  She chuckled out loud this time, "Oh, dear! If I can't give grace at this age, then none of us have hope!"

My girl and I left their home with a lightness in our step and praise on our lips.

I guess we had many lessons to learn that night...  a lesson in trying your best and things still cracking!  A lesson in letting things go and enjoying a party anyway.  I think we had a lesson in prayer and hopeful expectations.   And a lesson in repentance and humility.  A lesson in the giving and receiving of grace.

Most certainly we both had a lesson in what really matters.  In holding a bit less tightly to this world.

A lighter hand.  A looser grip.

If it cracks a bit... it really is okay.  There is grace for that, too.

Squirmin' Mercy Needed

photo source

As I am reading through the Old Testament right now, I am squirming...

It wasn't really what I expected when I was beginning my journey back through the Bible.  He does surprise us, doesn't He?  Our big, beyond, and other-than-me God!  

It isn't that I haven't read the Old Testament many times before.  I have.  But, I don't know...I was just expecting a different understanding and experience.  I wasn't expecting to squirm.  I wasn't expecting to feel the conviction and the heaviness.

But, I am.  I am wriggling as I read.  

I started the reading on January 1st, intending to read through the Bible in a year.  I am already behind... and it is only the end of February.  But, I am ambling my way through.  And, as I read, I am squirming in in my seat.  I am uncomfortable.

My prayer and my heart's desire was to find God's love in and through the pages of the Old Testament.  And, His love is there, to be sure!  I am seeing His heart.  His feelings for His people is as passionate and as connected as it has always been since the beginning of time.  He cares.  Deeply. 

His love is shown forth in amazing deliverance, provision, and constant forgiveness.  But the reality is that God's care and His love are also expressed in His anger and frustration.  I am seeing the Truth of Revelation 3:19, "Those whom I love, I rebuke and discipline."  He rebukes.  He disciplines.  He loves.  ...He is a good, kind Father.  Good, kind, loving parents do discipline and rebuke and feel frustration with their kids!

But, His goodness does look, feel, and sound a bit painful at times in Exodus... and in Leviticus ...and in Numbers.  And, I know it only gets more intense and more painful as I anticipate ahead toward the reading of Ezekiel.  

I love God's word so much.  I believe that His Word is teaching me... even as I squirm.  For weeks I have been asking God to show me the sufferings of Christ... that I might touch them more deeply this Lent season.  He has answered this prayer many times already.  I have been feeling, more keenly, the pain, suffering, and sin that taints our world so drastically every day.  I have sensed His suffering.

But, more recently, I feel He is showing me the pain, the suffering, and the sin deep within Stephanie.  Deep within me.  He is showing me my own heart and my sin.  And, that this darkness... pains Him greatly.  This is Lent suffering close at hand.  My sin.  ...in desperate need of the Resurrection and His salvation!  

I can relate to those He is rebuking.  I have, and do still today, complain and grumble about the same thing time-and-time-again.  I walk faithless and worried, not trusting my Father to provide.  I ignore His Presence.  And, I turn away from His best ways--- His Truth.   

As I read about the Korah's rebellion in Numbers 16 yesterday, I was so deeply struck by how I could relate to these prideful men.  I, too, have grumbled against leaders.  I, too, have felt "holier than thou" and stood in judgment toward my brothers.  Have you?  

I am reading the Old Testament and squirming in my seat these days.  

All I can say today when I sit and ponder are the words found in the ancient Jesus Prayer:  Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, as sinner.  And, I thank Him for His fresh mercy every morning!  (Lamentations 3:22-23).  Because of His great love, I am not consumed.  

It is never easy.

Photo source

It never is easy.

To forgive.

When the pain has been real, and hard, and deep... it is never easy to forgive.

My sweet girl is learning.  And, so am I---alongside her.

"I don't know if I am ready to forgive her", she responded with tears.  She was responding to my question, "Can I help you? Can I help you forgive her?"

...if I am ready.  When are we ever really ready to let it go and to lay it down?  Are you ready?

Sometimes we just have to choose.  And, that is never easy.

"But she hurt me...", she explained, not protesting as much as asking me to understand.

"Yes," I replied, "if I was in your shoes, I would be hurt too."

Forgiveness isn't needed unless it has hurt.  Forgiveness is only really necessary if injustice has been done.  Where there is wrath and judgment rightly earned, there and only there is forgiveness really forgiveness at all.

I think, as Christians, we push too many of these hurts under-the-carpet of "brotherly love".  "It isn't really that big of deal", we might say.  Or, "they didn't mean it".  Or, "I am just being over sensitive."  In this, we don't actually forgive bad behavior, instead we ignore it or excuse it.  Which would be a great tactic if it worked.  But, it doesn't.  We push it under-the-carpet and then it actually grows mold, stench and bitter roots under our carpets.  These things---even these little things--- must be acknowledged.  ...before God.

I am not talking confrontation here.  I am talking about acknowledgement---to the One who does "get-it" and the One who is perfect!

So, she did it.

My sweet girl.  She told God that she had been hurt.  She told God that what this girl had done had been painful and wrong.  ...even if this girl was totally unaware.  How common is that true?  Most those hurts we push under the carpet are hurts that the perpetrator doesn't even know they have done.  ...but, they still hurt.

Those sticks.  Those stones.  And, those words have hurt.

And, they can be forgiven.  And, they can be covered by brotherly love!  But, they need to be acknowledged and held up before the Lord of the Universe who sees all.

She told God how she felt.  And, then we asked the Holy Spirit to show her what He thought about the situation.  We asked the Holy Spirit what He would say about them... both girls... both she and her friend.  What did He think?  And, with revelation came peace and compassion.  With His Voice came release and the ability to forgive.  To bless.

We ended our prayer time with my girl initiating blessing over this friend.  "I bless her, Jesus.  Pour out Your blessing on her, I ask."

And, the heavy hurt was lifted.

It still makes her stomach churn just a bit when she thinks of it, she said to me today.  Of course it does, my girl.  Of course, it does!

But, keep blessing.  ...keep asking for His blessing on this friend's life.  And, though it isn't easy.
It is good.  It is very good.

To forgive.

Lavished icing...lavished love

Where in the world is the cookie?


This was my thought as I saw the mountain-pile of icing in front of me.


I assumed there was a cookie amidst the mound of chocolate and icing, but it was certainly undetectable to the eye! 


Last night, my children used left over icing to decorate and ice some sugar cookies. If you have ever allowed children to ice cookies on their own... and then encountered their proud works of art after the fact, you know what I witnessed last night. Absolutely all the sugar cookies were almost entirely engulfed and lost under the lavished icing.   


Living out the motto: if a little is good, a lot is better... my children lavished the cookies with lots and lots of color and chocolate. And, I won't even begin to describe the lavished colored sprinkles that adorned the iced mounds.

This was the exact picture that came to mind this morning as the preacher read from Ephesians 1.  I began to think on the word "lavished". "In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God's grace that he lavished on us with all wisdom and understanding."

We can only lavish from that which we have a lot of... abundance is a must. We must have much in order to pour out much, to pour out lavishly. We must have wealth in order to lavish wealth, right?


Webster defines "lavish" as giving without limit. A limit-less supply is required to give lavishly. My children lavished icing and sprinkles. We had loads of both and still had left-overs when they were done with the cookies. They could lavish.  And they did with gumption!

God tells us in Ephesians that grace and forgiveness, through the blood of Jesus, came from God's riches and His wealth. God is wealthy in what? 


God is wealthy in grace. He is rich in grace. What a thought! He has abundance of grace... plenty. And it is from this wealth of grace that He lavished His grace, redemption and forgiveness on us. His grace is limit-less.

We didn't have enough cookies to satisfy the riches of colored icing. Instead we ended up with many mounds of covered sugar cookies. ...

There are simply not enough sins that I could commit that would spend God's riches and grace-wealth. 


A sinful, wayward and unworthy girl... lavished in grace, covered in precious blood, decorated with love and sprinkled with forgiveness. Oh the God we serve! Oh the Heavenly Father that calls us His own! Are there words enough to express Who He is and what He has done for us!? 

edited re-post from Feb. 2009

Yes, forgiveness IS hard

photo source

My sweet girl...  She was still angry this morning.  Very angry.

Months and months ago she had been hurt by someone.  At the time, this hurt had felt like an injustice and a misuse of power.  It had made her angry then; but, the anger had subsided and we had moved on.

Or, so I thought.

Randomly, the topic came up this morning.  Her mind and heart were reminded and from nowhere (or so it seemed) came the torrent of frustration, hurt and anger.

It is amazing what can remain alive in our hearts.  In an instant, she was remembering and angry again.  Very angry.  This wound had sat and stewed inside for months...

As she shared her heart, I embraced her and listened to her.  I validated the pain, the hurt and her frustration.  I, too, would feel the very same way, I told her.

As she calmed a bit, I asked her if she had forgiven this person.  Not surprisingly, she said, "no".   She wasn't sure she wanted to.  This is hard!

Oh!  how I can relate!


He was wrong.  He had misjudged and hurt her.  It was unfair!


I agreed again.
Yes, he was wrong.  Yes, it was unfair.  And...  And,...yet was she still willing to forgive him?  She didn't want to.  She really didn't want to!  Tenseness and anger began to rise.


Gently, I suggested she ask Jesus for help.

Our brother, Jesus, knows very well what it was to be hurt, to be judged unfairly, and to be wronged.  And, yet, He forgave.

He forgives.


He knows how and can help her even now.  And, quietly I mentioned, aren't you glad He forgave even when it was hard.  When you didn't deserve it!  Her tense body seemed to melt in my arms at the thought.  Yes!  Yes! I could hear her spirit agreeing with the gratefulness of my spirit--the joy of our salvation!


I am so glad He forgave when He was so very wronged.  


She decided to forgive today.  And, she decided to bless.  She prayed blessing over him and I watched her anger subsided.  I watched peace come and joy replace tense frustration.  I watched beauty and calm fill her.

Yes, my sweet, darling girl...   forgiveness IS hard!  But, we can learn.  And, oh!, what a wonderful gift.

Will it run out?

photo source

Will it run out?  my heart wondered, in the quietness of the morning.

Today I came to my Heavenly Father with a burden of sin.  Conviction of my sin weighed heavy on my soul.
  
Will your mercy and your forgiveness have a limit?  Will it run out?  


I know the Biblical, Theological, head-truth answer to my heart's question:  Of course not!!  Never!

When it says His love as unfailing in Scripture, does it mean anything less than un-failing?  When it says eternal, can it mean less than eternal?  When it speaks of His faithfulness being as high or long as the heavens?  Or, His love being as deep as the oceans?

When the Word of God tells me that God's mercies are new every morning, could He possibly be out of fresh mercy for today?  Could it be that He might finally say, 'Nope, not this morning, I am afraid.

Of course not! ...No!  Never!

His love.

His grace.

His mercy.

Each unfailing.  All boundless, unconditional, faithful and steadfast.  Always enduring and eternal.  Always new and freshly offered.  This, this!, is the truth of the matter...

And yet my heart wondered this morning, When will your grace to me run out?  When will you be fed-up with my wandering heart?  When will it be the "last straw"?


In the very moment of wondering, my Father answered this morning with a in-my-face real life example.

Here, let me show you...  He whispered.

As I was praying and seeking and wondering, right then!, my son disobeyed me.  Again.  Same disobedience.  How many times have we talked about this?  How many times have I reprimanded him and corrected his behavior.  He was doing it again... I could hear him in the other room.  Again.

Does your love and grace run out for your son?  my kind Father whispered into my aching, sinful heart.
  
Are you done with him, your sweet boy?  Is this the last straw?  You done loving him, Stephanie?  
  
No, Lord!  May it never be!!  my heart welled up with deep truth and emotion...  Of course not!! Never!!  
  
And He reminds me of this beautiful, theological, Biblical truth ...right in my today-home.

"If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask." (Matthew 7:11)

photo source

Oh! How He surprises me with His eternal, everlasting, ever reaching love!!  Oh how He loves us!!  Oh how gracious our gentle, kind and loving Father is!!  I am struck a new today...  Fresh grace.  Fresh mercy.  Fresh love. ....that will never run out.  

"I know not a word which can express the surprise and wonder our souls ought to feel at God's goodness to us. Our hearts playing the harlot; our lives far from perfect; our faith, almost blown out; our unbelief often prevailing; our pride lifting up its accursed head; our patience a poor sickly plant, almost nipped by one night's frost; our courage little better than cowardice; our love lukewarmness; are ardor but as ice -- oh, my dear brethren!... we should indeed be surprised that the sun of divine grace should continue so perpetually to shine upon us, and that the abundance of heaven's mercy should be revealed in us." - Charles Spurgeon

Much Mercy Received

I woke up this morning needing mercy from God.

Tired. Head bowed, heart heavy, I came to Him this morning asking for mercy.

And He gave it!

Claiming the blood of Jesus over my sin, my weakness and my pain, I can receive grace and mercy. He offers me new mercy. Today's portion.... fresh and new mercy!

New every morning, His Word tells me. Imagine that! Mercy that never runs out. Fresh mercy that is always available.

Walking away from my quiet time with a heart thankful and filled, I began washing the morning dishes.

While my hands were deep in lovely warm, sudsy water, I heard the news.

With a heart still warm from mercy and hands warm from washing dishes, I heard that my friend made choices yesterday that just stink! Bad choices. And I felt angry at her choices. Knowing these choices hurt her, instant anger filled me. Frustration. I just felt mad at her!

Anger filled my soul and my mind reeled with all the angry words about her behavior. How could she do that again?!

Would she ever stop? Would these bad choices ever end? I ranted and raved internally for a moment longer until I remembered. Mercy.

Mercy, Stephanie. This is what I gave you this morning. Can you give it to her mercy?

It had been a bit hard to receive from Father God this morning; but,now it was even harder to give.

Steph, forgive, as you have been forgiven.

Love mercy. Verses from God's Word jumping at me from the sudsy soapy water I was washing in...

Head bowed and heart heavy, I decided to give mercy. With a cry for help from my Ever-Faithful, Ever-Giving Father, I decided to offer a portion of the mercy I had received just this morning.

I need it every morning. ...and so does she.

Yes, I can give mercy. With Your help, Father, I can offer grace!

.......

...still counting with Ann Voskamp and others at www.aholyexperience.com

#872. My boy praying for me without being asked to..

873. His word comes alive!

874. Sweet team meeting

875. Deep, uninterrupted sleep

876. Scripture repeats

880. Dancing in the kitchen with my girl.

881. Sunshine and rain at the same time!

882. New friends---good conversation.

883. New, fresh mercy received and given.

Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. Lam. 3:22-23

Gomer, my dog and me.

A few weeks ago I began calling my dog by a nickname: "Gomer".

She was dubbed this infamous title when we found out that she has been going out, into the town, wandering late at night. ...to be fed? ...to interact with all the people at the local pubs who think she is adorable? We aren't really sure why she goes... but, go she does!

The problem with her wandering is multifaceted, for sure! But, the biggest problem is that she is a black Labrador and, with few street lights, our little town is very dark at night. The likelihood of her getting hit by a passing car is very high. She is not street wise and she is black as the night. She is simply not safe wandering the night streets! ...my Gomer dog.

We do provide all that she needs here in our home... warmth, food, relationship, and faithful care. And yet, she still runs away. She still wanders.

She, our dog, also receives punishment when she is caught (which she doesn't like!)... but, still, she wanders. We love her much! And, yet, she runs.

I don't think it is only coincidence that last week in Spurgeon's devotional, he focuses his readers on Hosea 14. And, I also don't think it is coincidence that this morning, in a separate devotional my "reading" for today was Hosea 14. Do you think God might be saying something to me? I do.

I, too, could go by the nickname Gomer.

I, too, wander. I wander away from what I know is best and safe. I wander in thought and deed. I wander while knowing full well that what I have in my Heavenly Father is perfect relationship, warmth, food and faithful care.

Yesterday it was the food that I wasn't hungry for... physically hungry for... that I choose to eat anyway. This isn't a new temptation, if you are new to my blog. ...a lust for taste overpowering the nudges of the Spirit to "stop".

...my punishment: an over-full, uncomfortable stomach. And, harder still, deep conviction that again (yes, again!) I have wandered from the safety and beautiful gift that God actually intended physical food to be for me.

Some, I suppose, wouldn't feel the burden of overeating at a meal. For some this, "oops, I ate too much!" isn't a big deal. And, sometimes we do it "by accident", for sure. But, this wasn't the case yesterday. I knew full well what I was doing and kept on eating! Rebellion was part of my overeating yesterday.

As a Church, we do tend to talk about our gluttony, ...that bag of chips, that chocolate bar, ...with a very light-hearted, unaffected easiness and manner. Typically our greatest concern is the added inches to our waistline. For me, it is more than that. The Lord, long ago, took me to task for my wandering lust for food and how I use food to "feed" the needs only the Lord can fill. It is no longer about my waistline... it is so, so very much about my heart. This may not be your issue. Our issues are all different. Our temptations very unique. Our wanderings look as different as the shape of our noses.

So, anyway... My "Gomer" dog wanders. And, I welcome her back each and every time. Of course, I do! I still will feed her, pet her, and give her a warm place to sleep. Even though I know full well she will wander if given the chance, I will still love her.

And, she is just a dog. And, I am just a human.

Aren't I worth so much more to God than many sparrows (or dogs!)? (Matt. 10:31)

And, if I ...who am evil... know how to give good gifts and love, doesn't my Father in Heaven give beyond and above me! (Matt. 7:11)

My repeat offense... a temptation and fall that pulls me down from time to time... this too, has been taken and covered by the blood of my Savior Jesus! This strikes me as particularly awe-some today. In light of my wandering heart, this Truth and this Love is striking and poignant.

Just as God instructed Hosea to go and get Gomer back from her night's wandering... again, and again. So, He invites me back. Always.

And, this is what He was reminding me this morning. This is what He has been whispering to my heart via my dog, Spurgeon and my devotional book. ... return to me, again, Stephanie. Bring to me your words of repentance, again. And, I will... I will love you faithfully! I will feed you, again. I will take you in and wash you. I will love you and delight in you! ...just come back.

And, go and sin no more.

I take with me my lips

There are certain days I feel more aware of my sin than others...

Today is one of those days.

Waking this morning, I felt keenly aware of my fickle heart. My soul was pained with the knowledge of this "spirit is willing but the flesh is weak" battle that rages within! Is it the "small sins" of selfishness, judgment, pride that I am convicted by today? Or the "larger sins" of gluttony, vanity, and greed that pain me this morning. (you know I am being facetious when talking large and small in relation to sin, right? smile.)

All I know is that I woke with a sense of my wandering heart. This awareness is a good thing, a sweet thing, I believe. I didn't come to the Lord this morning in shame... just in awareness.

What can I bring you, Lord? my heart asked.

I found His answer to me in the first sentence of Charles Spurgeon's Morning and Evening Devotions: "From me is thy fruit found" (Hosea 14:8)

The natural fruit of Stephanie is a mixed bag... some clean, some rotten. The fruit from God is perfect and beautiful... always.

What can I bring to the Lord? He answers this question in Hosea chapter 14...

Return to me and bring with you your words, He says.

Come to me and offer the fruit of your lips, He commands.

My words. My lips.

Now, that I can do!

He offers us a pathway "back" to Him that is always open... our hearts turned toward Him and our mouths showing forth this turning.

What can I bring to you this morning, Lord?

Bring to me your words, Stephanie!

Say to Me, forgive me! Say to me, Receive me Father!

Say to Me 'there is none like you' and speak Truth out about who I am!

And in return, what does our awesome Father in heaven give us?

He will water me. He will feed me. He will make me fruitful.

He will answer and care for me. (Hosea 14:8)

What a gracious God I love and serve!! Today I praise His grace, His compassion, His unfailing love, and His forgiving heart!

(Please read Hosea 14 here)

Lots of sin today!

In a conversation about God's faithful forgiveness, my daughter said to me, "I sinned so much yesterday!"

Oh! Sweet girl.

My response... "You sin so much everyday, sweet girl. And, so do I!"

And, thus the amazing beauty of God's grace and forgiveness. New, fresh mercy each morning is what He offers us!!

Doesn't it feel sometimes like some days are "more full of sin" than others? Or, when we sin "big-time", we feel out of sync or out of peace with God. ...as it should be.

Certainly, there are days when our hearts are more prone to wander and our rebellion is stronger. These days we are not only "missing the mark", but rebelling against God's known will. And, this is deep and ugly. These are ugly days, Yes.

But, the reality is that each day---every day---my heart and will are full of sin, and old-man tendencies. Every day I sin a lot!

And, thus, I need God's daily grace. When I see this as true about myself, then I can walk on the only sure foundation... His love, His faithfulness, His righteousness and His mercy. When I know this AND receive this fresh mercy daily, then I know Who He is and Who I am because of Him. Forgiven. Graced. Loved. Blessed.

"All is grace", Ann Voskamp says. And, I agree with her. ALL. Every day. Every good and perfect thing... grace. And, so I give thanks today for that All, Everyday Grace:

...and join the many others making "thankfulness" and grace-filled lists at www.aholyexperience.com. I am counting my way to 1,000 grace gifts!

#516. Tender moments

#517. Confessed sin.

#518. Fried egg made for me by my 9 year old son.

#519. Reading the Word together as a family.

#520. Remembering Who He is and Who I am in Him.

#521. He confesses to me, I forgive.

#522. I confess sin to him, and he forgives.

#522. Open mouths, head back, loud laughter.

#527. Newly planted plum and apple tree

#534. A brightly painted family mural.

#536. A quiet walk.

#539. Second chances.

#545. Tasks done, lists checked off!

#549. Kissing dots!!... (the freckles on my son's face)

#552. A week of BBQ meat, chicken and fish. THAT is a holiday!

#525. Prayer with my man.

#527. Scratching their sweet backs. ...more, mommy, they whisper.

#539. A 4 day old foal.

#544. The Sound of Music. ...and singin' along.

#558-563. The ability to work. And, write. And, sing. And, dance. And, see. And, hear.

All is grace. He is grace and love. In Him I have my everything!

Hunger Fed With Sin

We were made with God-sized thirst and hunger. Formed before the foundation of the earth, God planted in me a deep soul that longs and searches for God, the ever-deep One and all satisfying God.

Daily I long for His filling. Each and every day I need His sustenance. I need Him to feed me.

How often do I run to other things to quench my thirst? How often do I substitute shallow things, stupid things, empty things for the Only deep thing that will fill?

Last night, I attempted to fill that place with food. Food, of all things! The shallowness of food and the temporary nature of this "quencher"! I am embarrassed to write of it. I am embarrassed and grieved to testify to the gluttony that still plagues my mind, my soul and my body. Who will rescue me from this body of death! (Romans 7:24)

This past week I had noticed an increase in my lust for food. ...eating more at dinner than I needed. Just a little snack here, a little "this" there. I notice my "thinking" of Non-Verbal-Thoughts like, "man, this is good... It can't hurt to finish it off, even though I am not hungry for it!". ...or, "I deserve this break, this rest, this little 'something'".

And, sometimes this behavior comes with absolutely no real conscious thought... I just eat because it tastes good! My lust for flavor and food can drive me to eat without much thought at all. ...until, of course...

Well, until I realize I am doing it. ...I do know the good feeling of conviction. I do know the opportunity given by the Holy Spirit to flee.

I rebelled against the Spirit's nudges again and again this week. Each time, thinking... "it isn't really that big of deal." ...or,"this isn't good, I won't do it again!".

But I do do it again. And, I did over and over again this week. Small rebellions (if they can ever be small) at first and then a plunge right down into it at the end of the week. Why?

Patterns learned long ago. Feeling sad... eat. Feeling lonely... eat. Feeling happy ...eat. Feeling tired ...eat. Patterns.

...Hungers that are not even close to physical hungers, to be sure!

But, these patterns learned have been in the process of being broken and healed by the Lord Jesus. I have truly known freedom. I know what it means to take those feelings, those longings, those cravings and have them quenched by the River of Life. I know what it is like to listen to the kind nudges of the Spirit and to walk in the freedom the Son gives me.

So, today, I have another "Lent" lesson in my living room. My heart much acknowledges... and it does with deep grief ... that my gluttony, my lust and my rebellion were at least three of those stripes on His tender back. My Jesus took that blow for me.

When I have failed like this, my natural instinct is to punish myself. Or, to give up and dive in deeper to sin. Or, to make rules and regulations to "keep myself in check". But, not today. Today I take my heavy guilt filled heart and hand it to Jesus. I acknowledge what He did for me on that horrid cross. And, I must, I just MUST, take that cleansing freedom, forgiveness, healing and mercy He offers.

Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God--- through Jesus Christ our Lord! (Romans 7).

He is the Only One that will ever quench my God-sized hunger and thirst. So, I will drink from Him today and eat of His body. I will remember what He has done for me and proclaim His death until He returns. For He is the Only One who satisfies.

Thankful God said No

God said "no" to His Son's plea. And, I am so thankful!

Jesus wept and struggled ...and began to bleed. All the while, He asked His loving Father to, "take this cup from me". And the Father said, "No".

Oh! How thankful I am that He said "no" to this prayer. In His "no" to Jesus... was His "yes" to the world.

In the beautiful study, "Contemplating the Cross" (my Lenten study), the author asks this question: What would your life hold today had Jesus dashed "the cup" to the ground and refused to drink it? What if Jesus had said "no" to the Father?!

What might it looked like if the Father had said, "Yes" to His beloved Son's painful request? Or what if Christ had refused obedience and submission to the Father's will?

What if He hadn't died on the cross that day? In other words, what might my life look like without the cross?

There are no words, really, that describe what I might have been; or, WHO I would have been? What I might have become, or done, or how I might have lived ...without the Savior's blood shed on the cross... the images come streaming in. And, they aren't pretty!!

The physical consequences alone could have been extreme; but, the emotional and spiritual consequences of a "never-shed-blood" scenario are staggering. What the Father has done through His Son's blood in my heart,my body, my mind, my soul is immense!!

My Father's "no" to Jesus was a resounding "Yes" to me!

Yes! to forgiveness and grace. Yes to relationship and connection. Yes to intimacy. Yes to eternity.

Because of His shed blood and because of His drinking my cup of sin--- I am who I am. The freedom I know. The peace I experience. The wholeness and the rightness of mind. The blessings. The joy! The health of soul. ...And, on the list goes.

All these and so much more! I am deeply thankful. Words simply are not sufficient to express the thankfulness that wells up in my heart today! And, so I just say, "Thank you, Jesus" and share a few points from my gratefulness-list. For, I keep counting!!!

#119 New baby lambs drinking from their mamas.

#123 The beautiful sound of a running brook. Like a happy song.

#127 Invitation to a party!

#131 The Father's amazing grace that covers all my sins and heals all my diseases!

#134 Laughter and fun creating a "solar system" replica to cover our wardrobe door.

#138 Wind. Powerful, almost scary-sounding, amazing wind.

#143 A date with my son. Flying gliders and eating ice-cream and quiet moments of snuggles.

#146 My dishwasher.

#149 Hearing my husband's voice on the phone.

#156 My man returns home after a work-related trip. Just his presence fills me with joy and peace.

O Jesus, my sweet Savior, I am so thankful. Words fall short. I can't say all that is in my heart! Thank you. Thank you, my Jesus. Thank you!

How many are your works, O LORD! Psalm 104

Heavy Sin Instructs

The heaviness of my sin weighs on me today.

As I laid in bed last night and thought through the day... my judgemental thoughts, my selfish ways, my pride. I pondered, as well, the words spoken that hurt my son. And, I grimaced ... literally blushed in embarrassment at my own sin ... as I thought about my gluttonous rampage through the bag of pretzels. Was I just trying to comfort my tired mind and body? Oh! those tired-temptations! It would be wise to ask for His special help in those moments. If I would only learn!

I laid in bed and watched, like a movie, the sin that filled my day.

"I will bless the Lord who guides me; even at night, my heart instructs me." Psalm 16:7

The heaviness of my sin weighed last night. It instructed me. He guided me on my bed last night. And, it was painful.

Yesterday working through a study for Lent, I read about the cross. The study asked me to contemplate the cross and ponder the difficulty. I was to think on what Jesus might have experienced. Yesterday as I prayed, I was drawn to think on His loneliness. What isolation He might have felt? ... I wondered and prayed.

Today, with a heavy heart, I remained in "Day 1" Lent lesson... it wasn't time yet to move on. I knew I needed to contemplate the cross again. The question still lingered. There was more to remember. ...more to wonder about.

Today, I thought of my sin. I thought of my sin yesterday and my sins of the past. And, I thought about the sin of the world resting on my Brother's soul... my Jesus' body, His mind, His very-self carrying those sins. With tears, it wasn't hard to imagine my Savior wincing and saying, "My soul is overwhelmed to the point of death!".

And, I wondered if the carrying of sins alone would have killed him without the cross. Would that grief broken his heart and brought death without the nails?

Tears came this morning. Replacing yesterday's dry eyes, I contemplate and cried. My heart was wounded this morning. I wept and deeply repented. I feel the grief even now as I write.

And, maybe this is what Lent really is all about. Maybe I finally "get it" or maybe I am getting closer to getting it. I don't know.

There are times in life when you keenly, not just intellectually, but keenly become aware of that you know VERY little. This is one of those moments. I know very little about what Jesus did for me that day. I know very little about that grace... that amazing grace that saved this wretch. I know very little about His new, daily, fresh mercy. Today, I realize how little I know.

And, I also am aware of how desperately I want to know more. I want to know Him more, ... His suffering, His forgiveness, His grace, His love and His mercy.

The concept that I don't have to walk weighed down, is a sweet-sweet thought today. I can carry His yoke and His burden is light. He has taken this heaviness. He bore this sin, ...this darkness that lingers in my not-yet-fully-sanctified heart. This sweet grace is good new for me today.

Did I just become a Christian today? Was I just now saved? ...does it ever feel that way to you?So fresh, so new, so beyond what you "knew" yesterday. Today IS the day of salvation. Thank you, my Friend. Thank you, my Brother! Thank you, dear Jesus.

Transplant

I have a six year old friend, Adah, who is suffering. She has Acute Myeloid Leukemia (AML). Deadly cancer cells filled her bones and the bad was overcoming the good in her little body. The cancer was wreaking havoc on her frame from the inside out.

Today her little sister gave her a priceless gift. Today a piece of sweet Claire was drawn out and given to Adah. A gift was given to this precious girl. A gift beyond measure.

From Claire's clean bones were drawn healthy cells to fill up Adah's empty bones. For the last few months Adah's body has been blasted with poison... a good poison. A poison was pumped into her little body to empty out those ugly, evil, twisted cancer cells. And now, clean... life giving blood flows into the empty bones.

Like a victorious army of strong warriors, these healthy cells valiantly enter Adah's body... armed by God to replace all bad with the good.

Following these friends in prayer, I have been so struck these past days of how Adah's story is such a vibrant picture of Christmas.

At one time, my body, my bones, my very soul was dead... dying. Sin, sin's curse, sin's disease coursed through my veins. My stone heart pumped nothing but death into my being. The bad had certainly overcome the good in my sin saturated spirit. Sin wreaked havoc from the inside out.

One clean man, my brother Jesus, gave me a life gift. He gave me a gift beyond measure. He left His heaven and entered earth. And, He came to die. He came to give. He came to pour out. From Him was drawn clean blood. He spilled out healthy, sinless cells. He replaced my stone heart with a fleshly, healthy, Spirit filled heart. And, now, righteous blood flows in my being. I am a new creation! I am clean. To my very Spiritual marrow, Jesus has replaced my sick cells with clean ones.

Today Adah slept and slept. She slept as her sister's blood coursed through her body. She did nothing today but receive.

22 years ago, I surrendered. I "slept" in His arms as He replaced my blood with His. I have done nothing but receive.

This God-man, my Jesus, became flesh. He lived here in this sin-stained world. And, he remained pure. He died a sinless death and sacrificed Himself... a sweet, beautiful piece of Himself to be poured out for me. His very life blood now courses through my life.

*************

Would you stop a moment and ask Our Father to allow Claire's bone marrow, her healthy cells, to bring all the health and wholeness that Adah's body needs? Please ask with me that Adah would be completely healed and whole again~ For His glory! For Your Glory, Lord.

Angry Words

I yelled at my kids yesterday. It wasn't pretty. And, it hurt them.

It was as if frustration with their behavior seized me. I didn't pause. I didn't pray. I just raised my voice and said harsh words in anger. I spoke angry and mean words to the ones I love here on earth the most. How is this possible? Would my brother, Jesus, have helped me if I had asked? I think so. He has before...

It is so easy to let emotions get the better of me and throw self-control out the window. This is what happened yesterday. And, I am am deeply sad about my behaviour. Had I asked the Holy Spirit to help, would He have filled me to full with self-control, peace, and patience? I think so. He has before...

Oswald Chambers says, "The true test of a person's spiritual life and character is not what he does in the extraordinary moments of life, but what he does during the ordinary times when there is nothing tremendous or exciting happening." Yesterday, I failed this test. And, I failed miserably. An average day. An average childish misbehaviour. Nothing tremendous and nothing out of the ordinary. And, I failed.

When I did ask my sweet children for mercy and forgiveness, they gave it... and I believe they honestly gave it. They forgave me. But, I still saw hurt in their eyes. Forgiveness releases the wrong-doer, but it doesn't take away the pain or the repercussions of the wrong done. I am grateful of their mercy and grace. But, with even this 'small' blow of emotional and angry words, I gave my sweet children a wound. I wounded these that I love so deeply. And, this hurts my heart.

Lord, give me pause. Give me space when the frustration seems to overtake. Give me a right mind to ask for Your help. Help me to live in Your strength, Your grace and Your self-control. When I react in myself alone, I fail miserably. If I had asked You, Father, would you have helped? I think so. You have so many times before...

Secured Presence

I am not sure if it is a "family of origin" issue or just my personality, but when I fail, I find myself naturally asking the Lord... or maybe slightly expecting the Lord to be fed up with me and asking Him, "How long will you contend with me?" In my heart somewhere, I can hear the words of my God saying, as He did in Noah's time, "I am sorry I made them!" and in exasperation, throwing up His hands and saying to me, "I am done!"

To be clear, I am well aware that this isn't a particularly healthy view of God, nor a true one, perhaps not even a normal one--- but, none-the-less, it is my normal. Or, at least, it has been a struggle for as long as I can remember.

Now, in the recent years, as my Father has brought His healing touch and His good work in my heart, I have been readily able to answer these questions, these fears, with Truth. Over and over again through the years, the Truth of God's unfailing love, His never-ending mercy and His compassion has been beyond value to my guilt filled heart. These Truths have brought peace time and time again.

Today, I was asking God the same question... "I am sorry, again, Lord. How long will You put up with me?" My reading for today was from Psalm 22. The liturgy I am following suggested the repetition of one phrase that, by the third read, jumped off the page at me! The phrase was, "My God, My God why have you forsaken me?"

When I read this the third time, I began to ponder it. In all these years, I have never felt forsaken by God, I thought. Never. I have never been forsaken. He has never forsaken me! The thing I fear... the real problem with failure is the fear that He will be "done with me" and ... leave, forsake, abandon... this thing I fear has never happened. Why?

And, then like a dark room is filled with light at the flip of a switch, my mind and heart awoke to the clear (and not very profound, I know) truth as to why I have never been forsaken by God.

Christ, my dear brother, took my place. When He hung on the cross, His blood took my sin. He was my sacrificial lamb. When He hung on the cross, His body took my punishment. He was my substitute. But, more than that, when He hung on the cross, He took my separation. He took my rejection.

He was forsaken. He was abandoned. He was left. And, then He said, "It is finished". It is final. Over. Done.

I can fail, and fail, and fail, and fail, and fail, and fail and fail... and Father will never leave me. Father will never forsake me. Father will never turn His face away. Jesus took this for me and sealed the deal. It is finished. What I fear can never happen.

This is what good Friday means... As I write this, I can hardly hold back the tears in gratitude. ...in awe.

When the question arises in my soul again, "How long will you contend with me?" The answer is sure. The answer is simple. Always. Stephanie, He says, I will always be with you. I will never leave you or forsake you.

I am secure in His love for me... that beautiful never-ending love, that unchangeable mercy and that depth reaching compassion is mine. Sealed by the Body, the Blood and the Spirit of Jesus.