Ancient Blogger

....warning... this is a very long blog post....  copy, paste, and print it out?  Get a cuppa and take a load off... and give it some time.....  That said, please do read it.  These are words spoken to us from long ago... and ancient friend to speak truth to our 'now' hearts.  

As humans it is difficult for us to see beyond ourselves...  We are generally, each one of us, self-centered.  Truly.  In psychological terms this can be referred to as the 'spotlight effect'.   

I wonder if this is why God had commanded us and so clearly told us--- so often--- to 'remember' and be aware of our forefathers, our history, and the reality of the community at large (to be aware of others!)  

It is difficult to see beyond ourselves.  It is also difficult for us to see beyond our time.  We know what we know now and find it challenging to reach back and understand the way of thinking, the values, the beliefs and the behaviours of another time.   100 year old philosophy, medicine, science, and even agriculture is hard to grasp for our minds---in fact, it often doesn't match what we know today, at all.  100 year ago thinking often looks silly, sometimes very wrong and definitely very different to our modern minds.  

700 hundred years ago is almost impossible.  Right?  

But,...then we get a glimpse...  just a peek into the hearts and minds of our forefathers and we stand amazed.  What if ... what if, what I believe now...  what if she believed it too?  700 years ago.  And, what if that which is true has always been true and will always remain true, for ever.  

...come age, come season, come nations falling and rising...  what was, is, and is to come remains.  Truth remains and has always been true.  

I have had this sense as I have plunged and journeyed slowly through, a second time, the writings of Julian of Norwich*.  She wrote in the late 1300s... one of the first known females to write in English.  (yes, even before Margery Kempe... who is currently 'known' for being the 'first')  

...so...  instead of recommending you read Julian of Norwich (well, because it is not a small task)... I have gathered my favourite quotes from her Long Text (my Cliff notes for you).  

Her writings remind me of my type of blogs.  Funny, right?  But, Julian is telling of what God has shown her (her 'shewings') and she is constantly sharing God's Word and the Truth that He is whispering into her heart and mind.  She does this in short sections to encourage her readers.  well,...that is what I have attempted to do here on Koodaigirl.  Let's just say that Julian is an ancient blogger---an ancient Gods-girl! 

Her words are so so so good, and so very sweet.  …What God showed her, such a gift to our time.  

Can I suggest you print this out and/or you read a few quotes at a time... take it in slowly?  Sit with the words.  Remember that this was not written in our time, from our vantage point, within our 'value' system, and our culture.  Let our sister's words amaze you.  Enjoy the fact that it feels so familiar.  

As you read, let your mind drift to Scriptures that come to mind, hymns that rise up, and sermons or books you read recently.  She is writing words of truth that have instructed us from the beginning...  Truth is always truth... and it will always stand the test of time.  

"Our Lord Almighty, all wisdom, all love---just as He has truly made everything that is, so He truly does and brings about all that is done."

"We are sustained securely in love, by the goodness of God, in misery as much as in joy."

"God is to us everything that is good, tenderly enfolding us; everything that is made is as nothing, compared with Almighty God; man has no rest until he counts himself and everything as nothing for the love of God."

"God is the maker, the carer, the lover.  Everything has its being through the love of God."

"God wishes to be known and is pleased that we should rest in him." 

"God, of your goodness, give me yourself.  You are enough for me, and I cannot ask for anything less.  If I do ask for anything less, I shall be in want.  In you alone, I have everything."

"Our souls must learn the wisdom of clinging to the goodness of God.  For truly our lover, God, wants our souls to cling to him with all their might."  

"We can contemplate with endless wonder at this high, surpassing, inestimable love that God Almighty has for us in His goodness."

"He has made everything that is made for love and by that same love everything is sustained."

"Continual seeking of God pleases Him very much, the soul moved by the Holy Spirit seeks, suffers, and trusts."

"The blessed Trinity is always completely satisfied with all His works.  He says, 'See I am God, I am in everything.  I do everything.  I never lift my hand from my work, nor ever shall, without end.  I guide everything to the end to which I ordained it.  How shall anything be amiss?'"

"Christ Jesus' passion is the devil's defeat.  Everything that God allows him to do turns into joy for us and to shame and misery for him (the devil)."

"The marvellous melody of endless love keeps us safe in sorrow and in joy.  To choose only Jesus for my heaven in both happiness and sorrow.  Everything seems insignificant to him in comparison to His love."  

"For it is God's will that we take true delight with Him in our salvation.  He wants us to be greatly comforted and strengthened, and through His grace He wishes our souls to be happily occupied in this, for we are His bliss; He delights in us with out end and so shall we in Him, through His grace." 

"Jesus says, 'Look how I loved you!' as if He said, 'Look and see that I loved you so much before I died for you that I was willing to die for you.'

"To bring to His bliss each person He loves, He lays on them something painful which is no defect in His sight on account of which they are rejected.  He does this to prevent damage of pomp and vain glory."  

"Contemplate the glorious atonement, for this atonement is incomparably more pleasing to the blessed Godhead and more glorious to man kind, then Adam's sin ever was harmful."  

"I can make all things well.  I will make all things well.  I shall make all things well; and you will see for yourself that all manner of things shall be well."  

"Everything helpful for us to know and understand, our Lord will most kindly show us, and what it is through the teachings of the Church.  He takes great pleasure in all men and women who strongly, humbly and willingly receive preaching and teaching in the Church."  

"God is always fully satisfied with Himself and with all His works"

"He wants us to love Him, to take delight in Him and to endlessly rejoice in Him."

"Let me be your whole love, my precious child.  Attend to me---I am enough for you.  Rejoice in your Saviour and in your salvation."

"The Lord revealed the completeness of love in which we stand in His sight--yes, that He loves us as much now while we are here as He will do when we are there, before His blessed face.  Our difficulty is because of failure of love on our part."

"It is a supreme act of friendship of our Lord that He looks after us so tenderly while we are in our sins; and furthermore, he touches us so very inwardly and shows us our sin by the sweet light of mercy and grace."

"Pray with all your heart, even if it seems to give you no pleasure, because it is helpful, even though you don't feel it.  Pray with all your heart, even when you feel nothing, though you see nothing.  For in dryness and in barrenness, in sickness and in weakness, then your prayers are most please to God."

"God teaches us to pray and firmly trust we shall have what we pray for; because He regards us with love and wants us to partner in His good work."

"It is proper for us, both through nature and through grace, to long and desire with all our might to know ourselves wand in this full knowledge we shall truly and clearly know our God in fullness of endless joy." 

"Man is changeable in this life and falls into sin through frailty and being overcome. During this time he is in turmoil, sorrow and misery and the cause is his blindness---because He does not see God, for if He saw God truly and continually, He would have no harmful feelings nor any sort of promptings the the cravings that lead to sin."

"The lack in not in God, but it is on our part; for through sin and wretchedness we have in us a wretched and continual resistance to peace and to love."

"Mercy works sweetly through love by grace, mingled with abundant pity because mercy works for our safekeeping.  Love never looks away from us nor does the operation of mercy ever cease."

"Without love we cannot live.  Our life is grounded and rooted in love and without it, we perish."

"We are not blessedly safe and in peace until we have our full contentment with God, His love, His  works, His judgements, with ourselves, and with fellow Christians.  God's goodness does this in us.  God is our true peace."

"While we are in this life, we have a marvellous mixture of both happiness and sorrow.  We have in us our risen Jesus and the misery of Adam's falling." 

"We ought to rejoice greatly that God dwells in our souls and can rejoice much more greatly that our souls dwell in God.  Our soul is made the be the dwelling place of God!"

"Our soul sits in God in true rest and our soul stands in God in sure strength and our soul is rooted in God's endless love." 

"We cannot  come to knowledge of our soul until we first have knowledge of God, our creator to whom it is united. For full understanding, we must long to know our own soul wisely and truly.  Through grace and by the Spirit we shall know them both."

"As truly as God is our father, so truly is God our mother.  Jesus is our true mother, feeding us not with milk but with Himself, opening His side to us and claiming all our love."

"Jesus wants us to have the nature of a child, always hurrying to him in our need."

"We shall know that in spite of our grievous sin, his love for us remains intact, and we were never of any less value in His sight.  Strong and marvellous is that love which cannot, nor will not be broken by our transgressions." 

"He wants us to behave like a child, for when it is upset or frightened it runs quickly to it's mother for help as fast as he can, so Jesus wants us to run saying, 'My gracious mother, Jesus, take pity on me.  I have made myself dirty and unlike you.  I neither can nor may put this right except with Your very own help and grace.'"

"As long as we are mixed up with any aspect of sin, we shall never see clearly the blessed face of our Lord."

"It is for us to have three kinds of knowledge; the first is to know our Lord God, the second and third is to know ourselves--- what we are through Him and His grace and what we are in regards to our sin and weakness."  

"Flee hastily from all that is not good and fall on our Lord's breast like a child on it's mother's bosom.  With our whole heart and mind, knowing our feebleness, knowing God's goodness and love, seeking salvation in Him alone."

"It is God's will that we recognize sin, and pray earnestly and labour willingly and seek humbly for instructions so that we do not fall blindly into it; and if we fall, that we rise quickly, for to turn from God for any length of time through sin is the greatest pain that any soul may have."

"Whether we are unclean or pure, His love for us is the same.  Whether in joy or in sorrow, He never wants us to flee from Him."

"Everything that is contrary to love and peace is from the devil.  The enemy looses many times over from our rising from our falls through God's love and our humility.  Acknowledge your wretchedness, then flee to your Lord.  Let us fly to our Lord and we shall be comforted and made clean."  

"Our Lord in his mercy shows us our sin and weakness by the sweet, gracious light of Himself---the light of His grace and mercy."

"He steadfastly waits for us and with unchanging demeanour, for He wants us to turn to Him and be united to Him in love as He is to us."

"When we have fallen through frailty or blindness, our kind Lord touches us, moves us and calls us; He doesn't want us to remain like this, nor does he want us to be greatly pre-occupied with self-accusation or too full of misery, but instead to swiftly focus our thoughts on Him.  For He waits for us and hastens to have us with Him, for we are His joy and delight.  He is our salve and our life."

Julian ends her book with these words which brought a song to my heart...  

"To those who wish to be His faithful lovers.  These are revelations of the unutterable love of God in Jesus Christ.  Revealed to a dear lover of His and are for all his dear friends and lovers whose hearts like hers do flame in the love our our dearest Jesus."  

*Julian (the name she took at a nun) lived 1343-1416.  Most of her life she lived as an Anchorite attached to a church in Norwich, England.  She lived smack-dab in the midst of the most intense times when the Black Plague hit England.  She certainly knew deep personal and communal suffering.  For those historians who have said that Julian was a 'universalist' or didn't mention hell or sin in her writings... this is simply not true (100% false, in fact).  I have read her works twice.  She mentions all basic concepts of sin, hell, and the distinct need for salvation through God's only Son, Jesus.  Although, I do not agree with every single word she has written... her basic theology and heart of faith matches my faith and orthodox, historical Christianity beautifully.  I am convinced, she is most certainly my sister in Christ and waiting in that great cloud of witnesses, urging us onward!  

I Want to See Like Fred

It really makes a difference what you choose to look for or how you see...  doesn't it?  

I just finished the delightful and poignant film about Fred Rogers' life, A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood.   Apart from the fact that I probably watched every episode of this amazing show from age five years old until I was 10, (and, yes, it brought up so so many 'feels' for me) the life and way of Mr. Rogers inspired me.  And, I am using that word very specifically.  To inspire:  spur on, motivate, quicken.  It comes from the two words Latin 'into' and 'breath'.   As I watched the film, I felt God breath into me fresh thoughts and fill me with more of His heart.  

I walked away thinking a lot about perspective.  Mr. Rogers just seemed to see life, time, circumstances, people and the world in a very distinct way.  He saw differently.  Yes, I was inspired.  His wife is quick to point out, so it is told, that Fred was not a perfect person and that his daily Scripture reading and other habits kept him grounded.  

I walked away from this film wanting to see the world like Mr. Rogers.  I want to see like Fred.  

Interestingly, in God's timing, my Scripture reading this morning was in Luke 6:6-11.  In this story, Jesus encounters a man with a withered hand.  He asks the man to stand up in the crowd... displaying to that little corner of the world... to show His love, compassion, healing miracle.  

It says that the Pharisees came into the scene LOOKING for a way to catch him doing wrong.  They were expecting offense.  

It really makes a difference what you choose to look for...  what you expect...  

Jesus heals the shrivelled hand. He heals a bent, broken, withered hand and makes it whole.  He does this right before their eyes...in real time! Incredible stuff, right?!  Stop a moment and imagine what that might have looked like!  What stunned awe you might feel as you watch this happen before your eyes.  I stand amazed with the thought!  

The Pharisees, though, have a very different reaction.  They see as they choose to see... their eyes bent to see him doing 'wrong'.  And, they react with rage.  Rage!  They see what they expected to see, didn't they?  They see offense in his actions.  They respond with disgust, vehemence and their response is not inspiration---but execution.  "The begin to discuss with each other what they might do to Jesus".    

Jesus does good.  They see bad.  Jesus heals and re-creates beauty.  They respond with a desire to destroy him.  

It really matters how we see.  It matters what you look for...  

Fred Rogers, in his 50 years of ministry on television (yes, he was literally ordained and sent to do this work...read about it!) Mr. Rogers saw every person as beautiful, worthy of love, complicated, and worth his full attention.  

Yes, indeed, I want to see like Fred.  

Please do yourself a big favour and take the time to watch this...  The Best of Mr. Rogers

If you'd like to read 45 quotes from this man of God  click here.  

~~~

Luke 6: 6 On another Sabbath he went into the synagogue and was teaching, and a man was there whose right hand was shrivelled. 7 The Pharisees and the teachers of the law were looking for a reason to accuse Jesus, so they watched him closely to see if he would heal on the Sabbath. 8 But Jesus knew what they were thinking and said to the man with the shrivelled hand, “Get up and stand in front of everyone.” So he got up and stood there. 9 Then Jesus said to them, “I ask you, which is lawful on the Sabbath: to do good or to do evil, to save life or to destroy it?” 10 He looked around at them all, and then said to the man, “Stretch out your hand.” He did so, and his hand was completely restored. 11 But the Pharisees and the teachers of the law were furious and began to discuss with one another what they might do to Jesus.

LAST Sabbatical Reflection: Words on a Page #36 I Remember

 I Remember...  

...words taken and reworked almost directly from Ezekiel 16...

The clear image has stolen into my mind

Day and night, without bidding.

A waking dream. I remember. 

I see her...feeling so very old at 15,

But truly so, so very young.

Insecure. Lost. Sad. Scared. 

I remember the days of my youth,

I know where I came from, 

where you found me. 

I know the state I was in---

The pain, the confusion.

Where I was heading.

You found me, 

born from lines of sin and treachery.

Bloodied with misuse.

Uncared for. Unseen.

Tossed aside and neglected.

You found me naked, unaware of my shame.

Tenderly, you brought me close.

With your hesed, you bathed me.

You washed me clean. 

You clothed me with fine linen.

Adorned me with beauty and wealth.

You fed me with choice foods.

You poured abundance.

You poured blessing on my head.

You established an everlasting covenant.

You offered yourself to me, 

Covered me with your garments.

You called me your own.

I belong to you!
I am yours.

You are mine.

With joy and with peace

You fill my days.

Your love is better than life.

Written November 2020

...words taken and reworked almost directly from Ezekiel 16..

Ezekiel 16:3-14 

"...I bathed you with water and washed the blood from you and put ointments on you. I clothed you with an embroidered dress and put sandals of fine leather on you. I dressed you in fine linen and covered you with costly garments. I adorned you with jewellery: I put bracelets on your arms and a necklace around your neck..."

HESED 

Written November 2020

Sabbatical Reflections: Words on a Page #23 Your Face

 Your Face

Your face

Attuned

Eyes smiling

Aware

Your face 

Seeing

Eyes knowing

Soft

Your face

Watching

Eyes delighted

Waiting

Your face

Always?

Yes, always...

Attached

My heart

Seen

Ever known

Secure

Written September 2020

Sabbatical Reflections: Words on a Page #10 This Old House

 

This Old House

This old house---

Same old house

Same smells and sights.

Corners and walls

So familiar.

The wallpaper needs changing---updating.

No, actually, the foundation.

Pull up the floor boards!

Rot underneath. Rip them out!

Rebuild with lapis and turquoise.

A foundation laid and layered with faults and cracks

Burn it down!  

Start again!

Sounds of shifting sand echo and warn. 

This house will fall!

But, alas! the land is secure.

This rickety structure was built on a rock which is firm.

Faithful. Steadfast.  

Before the foundations of the earth, 

hesed was.  Hesed always is.

Yes! Mold and mildew may lurk deep within these old walls.

Disease lingers.  

Pour over with the cleansing water and ash.  

With hyssop, scarlet and cedarwood, 

Clean this old house!   

Written June 2020

Leviticus 14

Isaiah 54:11,12

A Warm Place to Live

There is a place for me to live always.  I have a home.  It is a warm, inviting and cozy place.  It is settled.  Forever.

I hear the voice of God beckoning me home again and again.  Day after day.  Come and sit with me here.  Live with me.  In this place, you are home.  

Why is it I feel restless and homeless at times?  I need never feel unsettled or unsure.  Why is it that I ever worry or why do I let fear steal?  I need never be afraid.

Today, He reminds me again, that it is His will, His pleasure, and His determination that will redeem me and keep me.  It is He that holds me in His saving, righteous, strong hand.  (Isaiah 40: 10)

I need only abide.  Stay right here in Me.  Live in Me.  Walk every day in My presence.  

Abide.  Live.  Stay.  Remain.  I will abide in You, Lord.  Today, I remember.  

He tells me I can remain in the place that is always a home for me... His love.  (John 15:9)
His love, my warm home.

I wonder about house and home.  I look around me at the four walls and the roof that keep off the rain.  I do cherish these four walls---good gifts from You.  Thank you, Lord.

I feel the pains of this tent that can ache with age and are weighed down by the effects of gravity.  I do cherish this tent---wonderfully made by You.  Thank you, Lord.  

No.  Not these places.  This house.  This body... this body is not my home.

I wonder and find myself curious about the future---all the unknown about tomorrow.   I wonder about tomorrow's tomorrow.

He says,  I will never leave you.  Draw near to Me.  Live in My love. 

Yes, Lord, You have been our dwelling place, for generations.  (Psalm 90:1)

This is the place I live.  Your Love is my home.  My always home---right now.  And, yes, it is indeed a warm and cozy place to live.

Never Runs Dry

I needed more again today...  Unedited and re-posted from 2011. 

Will it run out?  my heart wondered, in the quietness of the morning.

Today I came to my Heavenly Father with a burden of sin.  Conviction of my sin weighed heavy on my soul.
  
Will your mercy and your forgiveness have a limit?  Will it run out?  

I know the Biblical, Theological, head-truth answer to my heart's question:  Of course not!!  Never!

When it says His love as unfailing in Scripture, does it mean anything less than un-failing?  When it says eternal, can it mean less than eternal?  When it speaks of His faithfulness being as high or long as the heavens?  Or, His love being as deep as the oceans?

When the Word of God tells me that God's mercies are new every morning, could He possibly be out of fresh mercy for today?  Could it be that He might finally say, 'Nope, not this morning, I am afraid.

Of course not! ...No!  Never!

His love.

His grace.

His mercy.

Each unfailing.  All boundless, unconditional, faithful and steadfast.  Always enduring and eternal.  Always new and freshly offered.  This, this!, is the truth of the matter...

And yet my heart wondered this morning, When will your grace to me run out?  When will you be fed-up with my wandering heart?  When will it be the "last straw"?

In the very moment of wondering, my Father answered this morning with a in-my-face real life example.

Here, let me show you...  He whispered.

As I was praying and seeking and wondering, right then!, my son disobeyed me.  Again.  Same disobedience.  How many times have we talked about this?  How many times have I reprimanded him and corrected his behavior.  He was doing it again... I could hear him in the other room.  Again.

Does your love and grace run out for your son?  my kind Father whispered into my aching, sinful heart.
  
Are you done with him, your sweet boy?  Is this the last straw?  You done loving him, Stephanie?  
  
No, Lord!  May it never be!!  my heart welled up with deep truth and emotion...  Of course not!! Never!!  
  
And He reminds me of this beautiful, theological, Biblical truth ...right in my today-home.

"If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask." (Matthew 7:11)

photo source

Oh! How He surprises me with His eternal, everlasting, ever reaching love!!  Oh how He loves us!!  Oh how gracious our gentle, kind and loving Father is!!  I am struck a new today...  Fresh grace.  Fresh mercy.  Fresh love. ....that will never run out.  

"I know not a word which can express the surprise and wonder our souls ought to feel at God's goodness to us. Our hearts playing the harlot; our lives far from perfect; our faith, almost blown out; our unbelief often prevailing; our pride lifting up its accursed head; our patience a poor sickly plant, almost nipped by one night's frost; our courage little better than cowardice; our love lukewarmness; are ardor but as ice -- oh, my dear brethren!... we should indeed be surprised that the sun of divine grace should continue so perpetually to shine upon us, and that the abundance of heaven's mercy should be revealed in us." 

- Charles Spurgeon

Unedited and re-posted from 2011. 

Still Walking the Long Road

unedited re-post from 2016:  "A Long Journey"

Life is a long, long journey. 

Like destinations, there are many lessons that I wish I could just check off my list... and say I "have learned" this!  Been there.  Done that.

While certainly there have been lessons learned; I seem to circle back to 'same-old' places over and over again.

But, the one lesson that seems to be a reoccurring and reoccurring theme in my life is the lesson of "loved". I have both known it and not known it for many, many years.  For, "knowing" and surrendering-to-it are two very different things.

When I began this blog 8 years ago this very theme is clear in much of my writing---I wrote on my "Why Koodaigirl" page:  "I desire to live as loved".  This is still my same desire; and it only grows stronger, deeper, and more profound.  More hungry.

In the journey, though, along with the difficulties and struggles, we also have moments of great victory.  I have been seeing this victory lately in my life.  I can't really say when it began exactly; before time, it feels.  For God has been speaking to me of His love my whole Christian life.  All I really remember from my salvation day (at age 15) was a message about love.  I don't know what else Larry said that day... but, he said something very significant about the love of God.  That day I walked through the door of "loved" and have been journeying inward ever since.

These last months something significant has shifted.  I not only deeply believe, with all my mind, that God loves me (a profound gift He gave me about 10 years back); I now feelHis love "poured out in my heart" (Romans 5:5) on a very regular basis.  Where I have felt it here and there for years, I am "knowing" this abiding love.  I am experiencing His love filling me.  This is no small miracle.  My physical healing 15 years ago was "nothing" in comparison to this battle won!

This knowing of God's love... to my mind AND to my heart is a great gift.  A gift I believe He wants to give all His children.

I have to admit it took many pleas from my wooing Lord.  He has used songs multiple time (the funniest was the 80's classic, "I can't make you love me.")  He has used dreams, people, gifts, blessings, and suffering.  And, He has many, many times used His Word.  "Do not harden your heart" was the most recent Biblical phrase that led me to repent of my hardening to His love and His rest---it led me to lean-in and open my hands.  (Why I harden my heart is another conversation to be shared another time!)

After spending the day with Him yesterday and enjoying this love---sitting with it, working with it, eating with it--- I lay in bed last night and had a memory flood into my mind.  It was of our first trip to visit Wales 7 years ago.  When I walked into the house we currently live in there was a sign:  "Loved".  Like a message from His Spirit to my soul, I knew then that it was for me.  He was, yet again, speaking love over me.

So, last night after seeing this memory, I said to the Lord, "Wow!  It has taken 7 years for me to be won over to this amazing love! Wow...You have had to work for me for 7 years like Jacob, Lord!"  

Instantly, I heard in my spirit, something akin to "Longer..."  

Longer, Stephanie.  

Yes, Lord, much longer.  Like Rachel.  I am Your Rachel!!  You worked for over 14 years for me to accept and receive Your love.  

I fell asleep relishing in the fact that I am Jesus' Rachel.  What a blessed thought.

In the morning, I woke remembering it with a smile.  I am the Lord's Rachel.  His bride.   His beloved.

But, even as I write this... right now...the word I heard last night still lingers and speaks.  Longer...  

I have worked longer for you...

"For He chose us in Him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight... in love..." (Ephesians 1:4)

A very, very long journey for God indeed. 

unedited re-post from 2016:  "A Long Journey"

A Strange Song

We received hard news the other day.  My response was raw.

I was deeply sad, confused and angry.  I truly thought that God was saying "yes" to a particular request---and then He said, "No".  I felt like a bewildered and disgruntled child.  I felt duped.  The rug had just been pulled out from under my feet.

Had I heard wrong?  Apparently!

Only last month my mentor asked me, "How do you relate to God in your grief? Do you express it to Him?"  I had found myself dumbfounded with the question--- relating to God in the grief.  In the midst...

So much still to learn.

Ranting through the day, I gave it a go.  This concept of authentic and real interaction with God. With all of me---the real me.  These raw emotions.  Could I simply have them and communicate them honestly to my God? Could I, as David and Jesus did, express those hard emotions directly to my Father, in faith.

"Where are you God?"
"Why have you forsaken me?"
"Will you remain silent forever?"

Like my husband, who gently, gracefully and calmly listened to much of my rantings that day, God seemed quietly sitting with me.  Receiving it, but not responding.  Present.  Solid.  Okay.  God was okay.  His Presence didn't falter.  I didn't feel His wrath at my strong, ugly, raw emotions.  In my anger, I asked. I questioned.  I demanded.  I cried.  It wasn't pretty.

It certainly wasn't the first time---but, it was a significant step for me in being wholly and truly ME with God.  In the midst...  Raw and real with God.

Late in the day, standing at the sink and washing my hands in the warm water, my heart cried out, "Father..."  A cry of "Ugh.."  A deep sigh of frustration escaped my lips.

In that very instant, suddenly came the strangest song...

It was Elvis Presley.  (A caveat here---I simply do NOT always have a song in my head.  Rarely. Very rarely, in fact.  And, I certainly don't have Elvis in my head!  When even was the last time I heard Elvis?!)

In that moment, clear as day, Elvis was singing into my thoughts, "Love me tender, love me true.... for my darlin' I love you and I always will"

There it was---and I knew.  I knew, as surely as I was conscious of the warm water washing my hands, that this was God's heart speaking.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Y-bd3aDMGA

God was asking me, in the most tender way, do you love Me, even so?  

Job 13:15 "Even though He slay me, I will trust Him."  

He was saying, My love for you does not falter or shift.  All I ask in return is love.  Love me with all your heart, with your soul and with your mind.  

Stephanie, love me tender.  Love me sweet.  Never let me go.  Love me tender, love me long.  Take me to your heart---for it is there that I belong and will never part.  

This God.  This amazing Lover that offers Himself and His love to me, over and over.  For always. For keeps.  ...all He asks from me is to remain in that love.  He asks for my love. 

I am not told to understand Him with all my heart, my soul and my mind.  No.  I don't have to understand.  I don't have to agree.  I just must love.  

Yes, Lord, I love you.  I love you tender and sweet.  I am yours.  
All I want for Christmas is You!  

"We love because He first loved us" (1 John 4:19)

A Long Journey

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Life is a long, long journey.

Like destinations, there are many lessons that I wish I could just check off my list... and say I "have learned" this!  Been there.  Done that.

While certainly there have been lessons learned; I seem to circle back to 'same-old' places over and over again.

But, the one lesson that seems to be a reoccurring and reoccurring theme in my life is the lesson of "loved". I have both known it and not known it for many, many years.  For, "knowing" and surrendering-to-it are two very different things.

When I began this blog 8 years ago this very theme is clear in much of my writing---I wrote on my "Why Koodaigirl" page:  "I desire to live as loved".  This is still my same desire; and it only grows stronger, deeper, and more profound.  More hungry.

In the journey, though, along with the difficulties and struggles, we also have moments of great victory.  I have been seeing this victory lately in my life.  I can't really say when it began exactly; before time, it feels.  For God has been speaking to me of His love my whole Christian life.  All I really remember from my salvation day (at age 15) was a message about love.  I don't know what else Larry said that day... but, he said something very significant about the love of God.  That day I walked through the door of "loved" and have been journeying inward ever since.

These last months something significant has shifted.  I not only deeply believe, with all my mind, that God loves me (a profound gift He gave me about 10 years back); I now feel His love "poured out in my heart" (Romans 5:5) on a very regular basis.  Where I have felt it here and there for years, I am "knowing" this abiding love.  I am experiencing His love filling me.  This is no small miracle.  My physical healing 15 years ago was "nothing" in comparison to this battle won!

This knowing of God's love... to my mind AND to my heart is a great gift.  A gift I believe He wants to give all His children.

I have to admit it took many pleas from my wooing Lord.  He has used songs multiple time (the funniest was the 80's classic, "I can't make you love me.")  He has used dreams, people, gifts, blessings, and suffering.  And, He has many, many times used His Word.  "Do not harden your heart" was the most recent Biblical phrase that led me to repent of my hardening to His love and His rest---it led me to lean-in and open my hands.  (Why I harden my heart is another conversation to be shared another time!)

After spending the day with Him yesterday and enjoying this love---sitting with it, working with it, eating with it--- I lay in bed last night and had a memory flood into my mind.  It was of our first trip to visit Wales 7 years ago.  When I walked into the house we currently live in there was a sign:  "Loved".  Like a message from His Spirit to my soul, I knew then that it was for me.  He was, yet again, speaking love over me.

So, last night after seeing this memory, I said to the Lord, "Wow!  It has taken 7 years for me to be won over to this amazing love! Wow...You have had to work for me for 7 years like Jacob, Lord!"  

Instantly, I heard in my spirit, something akin to "Longer..."  

Longer, Stephanie.  

Yes, Lord, much longer.  Like Rachel.  I am Your Rachel!!  You worked for over 14 years for me to accept and receive Your love.  

I fell asleep relishing in the fact that I am Jesus' Rachel.  What a blessed thought.

In the morning, I woke remembering it with a smile.  I am the Lord's Rachel.  His bride.   His beloved.

But, even as I write this... right now...the word I heard last night still lingers and speaks.  Longer...  

I have worked longer for you...

"For He chose us in Him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight... in love..." (Ephesians 1:4)

A very, very long journey for God indeed.

Another very significant song in this journey for me...  Video... a must listen.  :  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=azBAF3dObps  *the whole album is awesome, by the way!!  

"I pray that being grounded and rooted in love, you might have the power, with all God's people, to grasp how high, wide, long and deep is the love of Christ and to know that love that surpasses knowledge..."  (Ephesians 3:18)

Over Me

I took this photo a few weeks ago.  I know it is horrible quality.  That is what you get when A) You are me taking most pictures and B)When the picture is taken with movement, low light, and on a cell phone...  but,  I couldn't help myself.

I just had to post it--- because, this picture has been beautifully hovering around my prayers lately.   And, not just the picture... but the true, real, beautiful moment that this poor picture captured.  This tender wedding scene, which I was privileged to witness, has been informing my walk with God.

As the music played gently, this groom danced slowly with his new bride.  He and she were utterly enraptured.  They danced this way through most of the song.  ...this sight speaks of deeper things.

Look at the picture again and imagine the scene.  Then look at the picture with THIS verse in mind...  "As the groom rejoices over his bride, so shall your God rejoice over you" Isaiah 62:5.

So shall God rejoice over you...  

I will sit with this amazing truth for another quiet moment.  I will take a minute to breathe-in this reality again today.  How does God view me?  His church?  ...you?

So shall God rejoice over you!

What God Really Wants

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What do you want from me?  

This is just one of the many questions swimming in our minds, often underneath the surface.

There are certain personality types that seek this answer more than others, to be sure.  But, as humans, we all do it--- to some degree---even if in different ways.

We look up after birth asking our mothers to tell us what they wants from us.  Each little face ultimately seeking love and relationship; we want to hear:   I am so happy you are here!  I just want you!  I want to hold you and love you and be with you.  

We long for her to say... I want you.  Just look at me, connect to me.  I love you.  

Certainly, we have all received varying messages from our mothers.  And we follow forward--- looking to our fathers, our siblings, our friends, our bosses, our spouse, our neighbors---asking similar questions. How can I please you and keep you happy?  How can I make you like me and/or respect me, or value me? How can we stay connected?  The questions vary depending on our make-up and uniqueness.

Essentially we are asking the world:  What do you really want from me?

Maybe it is just me.  But, somehow, I don't think so.

As I journey through the Old Testament, I keep looking for God's heart.  I want to know Him more.  I want to know what He wants.  Lord, show me Your heart.  What is it You want? What is Your desire? What is the purpose, the foundation, the goal of Your words, these stories, these commands and Your workings? 

Sometimes I find myself confused and ill-equipped to answer this question.  I don't readily know and I don't understand the "why".  I have trouble seeing His heart.  And, thus, the conversation continues.

Yet, there are moments when His heart's desire jumps off the page and shouts out with His words.  Loud and clear:  God tells us exactly what He wants and why He has done this or that...

In Exodus 29, I found such a place.

After very specifically enumerating the particulars of sacrifice, clothing and worship instruments, God speaks the "why" behind His orders.

"[After all this] Then regularly... there I will meet with you and speak to you and the place will be consecrated by my glory"  (Exodus 29: 42) 

What does God really want?  What is His purpose for all this?

He wants to meet with His people.

He wants to speak to His people.

And, He wants His glory to fill, to clean, to make us holy (consecrated).

He is setting it all up for meeting.  ...for dwelling and connectedness.  He wants to draw near.   We are indeed designed for relationship with Him.

In fact, He says it over and over.  He reminds them yet again in the next verses following that this is exactly WHY He delivered them from Egypt: "I brought you out of Egypt... so that I may dwell among you and be your God". (Exodus 29: 46)

God Almighty wants to be with us...  to dwell among us.  

This is one of His deepest 'wants'.  THIS is what He really desires.

God reminds me this morning----  Stephanie, you ask how to please me?  How do you stay connected to me and make me smile?  Let me dwell with you.  Let me meet you.  Meet with me.  Listen and speak with me.  Let my glory fill you, make you holy and new.  

I just want you.  I want to hold you and love you and be with you.  
I am just happy you are here.  


"As a mother comforts her child, so I will comfort you." (Isaiah 66:13)
"Come away with me, my love."  (Song of Solomon 2:10)

Nearness in His heart

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I heard God's heart today.  As I read, I could feel His tender hope, His desire for His people, and His intention:  "You yourselves have seen what I did to Egypt, and how I carried you on eagles’ wings and brought you to myself.  Now if you obey me fully and keep my covenant, then you will be my treasured possession. Although the whole earth is mine, you will be for me a kingdom of priests and a holy nation." (Exodus 19)

He had carried them.  He had brought them out with His own hand... "I carried you"... these words are so personal, so very close.  And, yet, they cannot draw near.  He tells the leaders to keep the people from coming too close.  Put up a barrier! God insists. (Exodus 19:12,21) If they come too close it will destroy them... they will die.  He must protect the people from His power, His holiness, perfection and glory.  It would be just too much; His holy Presence would devour them.  So, He must hold them off.  

But... can you just hear His heart to bring them near.  In fact, He tells them how.  Just obey everything I say, God says.  Simple, right?  He gives them a simple IF---THEN statement.  If you obey, then you will be mine.  I will make you a kingdom of priests, holy and mine. 

As I read this in Exodus, I realized how very familiar these word felt.  Where, Lord, have I heard these words before?  Of course,...yes, I know... I have read these exact words before.

A simple google search for "priesthood in the New Testament" and here we are---yes, almost an exact repeat so many years later.  Those words:  a priesthood, a holy nation, God's special possession... 

"But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God's special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light. Once you were not a people, but now you are the people of God; once you had not received mercy, but now you have received mercy." (1 Peter 2:9-10)

I just have to stop, be still, and read it again.  Once through. Twice.  Just take it in.  I stand amazed, once again.   God has done such a beautiful thing for us!

God's heart spoke it out in Exodus.  His desires expressed in Exodus now finalized and written about through Peter.  We couldn't accomplish it.  We want to... just like the Israelites who claimed, "We will do all you have asked" ...and then promptly didn't.  We just can't.  I can't.  Period. Full-stop. 

We couldn't accomplish it, so He did.  He did it for us.  He did it for me. 

A two way "if---then" clause and covenant.  He took care of both sides of the contract.  He fullfills the IF and He takes care of the THEN.  It is done. 

In this verse in 1 Peter, God is declaring this as done.  True.  Finito.  A finished reality.  You are...  He says. Once you were not...  and now you are... 

And, to top it off---with the help of google---I jumped over to Hebrews 4 and then to James 4. Because of Jesus, the head priest, we can boldly approach God's throne.  No more barrier.  No more warning.   No more holding-off.  ...quite the opposite, in fact.  Draw near, He says.  Come very, very close.  Be bold.  Walk right up and touch me!  Abide in me and I will abide IN you. 

I hear God's heart today...

Chewing on Mercy

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Bits n' bobs*.  That is often how I experience God speaking.  Here and there. A little bit from here and a 'bob' from there---slowly, over time, a theme begins to emerge.  From His Word, His people, a song, a book, nature, and His still small voice whispering into my soul... He speaks. And, if I am listening, I begin to hear Him.

I just finished an excellent book on forgiveness.  Not an easy topic for anyone.  I know.  This author certainly doesn't skirt the reality of hard. And, in fact, emphasizes the truth that calling offense: "pain", "wrong" and "real", is an important step in genuine forgiveness.  In order to truly forgive we have to look the reality square in the face... take account, and remember.  Not easy.  For anyone.  I know. How in the world do we ever truly forgive?

Through the whole book, one particular phrase jumped off the pages at me and has been swimming in the recesses of my mind for these weeks.  The words like chewing gum... only the taste doesn't go away... it gets stronger and more pungent.

I have been chewing on these words...  Love mercy**

The author takes this phrase from Micah 6:8, where Micah reminds us what God wants of us:  To love mercy... 

As I have chewed  on this phrase, there have been many thoughts feeding me from this theme.  A pinch of this and a tablespoon of that...  The flavor of the phrase is coming alive.

Those who have been forgiven much, love much.  (Luke 7:47)

Love that comes from God...  (1 John 4:7)

And, mercy triumphs over judgement... are just a few.  (James 2:13)

What might it look like for me to live in this truth, day-in-and-day-out:  to love, delight in, rejoice in, run-to... mercy.   To choose mercy first.   To choose mercy toward my family, my friends, my neighbors... and myself.

When I feel the natural urge to correct or to speak... love mercy.
When I want to punish... rejoice in mercy.
When he has done that yet again... adore mercy.
When I feel mis-understood... delight in mercy.
When I fall to temptation and feed my face with other loves...  relish and receive mercy.

Love it, Stephanie.  Love mercy.

Oh how I DO love mercy!  What would I do without it?  Where in the world would I be without the mercy of God!?  I do love mercy.  But, help me with my un-love, Lord.

Gently, the Lord whispers an invitation to my heart...  Love much.  Can you be merciful ---love mercy---in this situation, Stephanie?  Right now, here.  Today, can you love much?  

Just chewing and tasting...

"Love is the last thing we need to ration in this world"~Brene Brown, Rising Strong

*Bits n bobs phrase **Definition of mercy

How Did I Get Here?

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Off kilter and out of sorts.  I didn't wake up feeling this way.  A few hours into the day... that is where I was.  Out-of-wack.  Not at peace.  How did I get here?

Curiosity, is what Brene Brown suggests:  just remain curious about what you are feeling and experiencing.  Look at it and ask "why"?  

Awareness and awakeness are the words I have been using for the last few years.  Lord, make me more awake and aware.   Larry Crabb calls it the "red-dot-moment".  (That shopping mall map that tells you with a red-dot:  "You are here")

Where am I, Lord?  

I know that Scripture assures us of our inheritance in Christ.  We have been given a great gift because of His sacrifice.  A gift of the now and the "not-yet", to be sure: but, a gift to open today and enjoy.  He has given me a living inheritance:  He has given me His peace and His love to remain in and within which we can abide.   I have a home, a place to sit and I can rest.  A pathway to walk that is peace, joy, hope and security.  This is the inheritance that is mine.  And, yours.  Ours in Jesus:  our true home.  I can always live there.  It is 'on offer' to me always.  

I am struck by the deliverance of Israel in Exodus 14 and then the song sung to God in Exodus 15--- God's heart for His people:  His good plan---  unfailing love and strength can be our dwelling, His holiness. (Exodus 15:13)

"You will bring them in and plant them on the mountain of your inheritance—
the place, Lord, you made for your dwelling, the sanctuary, Lord, your hands established." Exodus 15:17

This plan was fulfilled in Christ Jesus.  Because of Him, we have a place to live.   You and I are planted; rooted and established in love.  I have a secure, paid-for-place to live every moment of every day--- an inheritance of peace and love.

But, I forget... I wander.  I stray away from my home.  I get up from this restful place and I step off the path of His love.  I get off kilter in the brush and bramble beside the road.   Like my brothers and sisters the Israelites of old, dark "pursuers" ride toward me; from within and without.   Horse and rider yell out at me or whisper from within "be afraid... be very afraid".  Lies.  All lies.  This also can happen any day.  Moment by moment.

When I remain curious, by His help, I am becoming more keenly aware of when I am off the path and out-of-step with His Spirit.  This morning was one of those moments.  Becoming aware is such a huge, beautiful key!

I became aware... hours after wandering... and simply stopped and asked the Lord for help.  Holy Spirit, help me.  I know where I am.  Now, how did I get here?  

I sat, prayed, quieted my heart and listened.  He brought to mind one small thing---then another--- It was one small flash-point in my morning.  A simple, quiet, niggling--certainly not earth shattering---reality in my body (my health) that triggered worry.  Ah!  more awakeness...  more awareness.   Thank you, Lord. This small moment had clearly brought up bigger, older fears.  Old patterns of coping--- worry, wondering what-might-happen-if, calculating.   It had started with the one instance... then next a piece of news in email (now further off the path!) and then the memory.  Ah!  Like a quiet cascade... the journey to wander at that point was in full swing.

Okay, I had wandered off the path.  Now, I knew when I left my home of peace.

Thank you, Lord.  Now, would You bring me back.  Bring me back inside, Lord.

He says... Open Your hands and surrender to My love and speak Truth to Your soul!

I choose to surrender to Your unfailing love.  I accept "what is" and choose to stop thinking about "what might be".  I offer my body to You--- You are my good Shepherd, my kind Father...  my Creator.  You made my body---so I give it to You to care for!  I am yours.  I don't have to worry.  I don't ever have to fear. You have a place of love for me to rest in---to live in.  I resist the lies in the name of Jesus.  I stand firm, by Your blood, against the worry and fear.  Even when I am in pain... even when my body is wacky... Your Love, Truth and Light are secure.  I receive it!  I let go of fixing this, figuring it out, or worrying about it.  I open my hands and receive Your love and this place of peace.  I choose to sit down in it and rest.  

I sat down in peace and walked on.  My body's reality hasn't changed, the news on email was still hard--- but where I am walking is different.  Stand firm, be still, AND move on (walk forward)--- this is what God tells His people in Exodus (Ex 14:13-18).  What a paradox!  Stand firm.  Walk onward. Trust and obey.

Out of the brambles.... back on the road.  A few hours away---  I now welcome and delight in the gift of peace.  For now, by His grace, I abide in His love.  Lord, make me more awake and aware!  More of You Jesus in me.  

"I will sing to the Lord, for He has triumphed gloriously.  The horse and his rider have been hurled into the sea.  The Lord is my strength and my deliverer.  He is my salvation.  ...The Lord is a warrior"  (Exodus 15)

A New Place to Live

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Egypt.  A place where God's people were enslaved.  It was also a place they lived and worked.  They had families, settled in homes, cooked, ate, drank and married... 400 years of "normal".  This was their home; but, they were not free.  God hears the pain of this reality---their slavery--- and He makes a way for them to leave.  He gives them their freedom.

For a few days, I have been feeling out of sorts.  ...not free.  ...not at peace.  In reading Exodus 13 this morning, I had the thought---and a prayer rise up: what is the Egypt you delivered me from?  

I, too, lived in Egypt long ago...  working, living, settled down... but not free.  And, through Jesus, God has delivered me out. What did my "Egypt" look like?  What is the Egypt You delivered me from, Lord?

my egypt was ...love starved.  ...a dry and desert place.  ...lacking  ...a place where I lacked the deep knowledge of His unconditional love, so I ran about looking and longing for it.
my egypt was ...lonely  ...sad  ...driven and productive  ...a place where I was "hustling for my worthiness" (as Brene' Brown talks about in Daring Greatly.)  ...hustling for love, for okay-ness,  ...hustling for peace.
my egypt was a place where I had to earn my okay-ness and it was dependent on what others thought of me  ...it was a place where I felt I must be perfect to be loved.   ..it was a confused place  ...a nervous place.  ...a place I had to be ever calculating and fixing.

As I processed and prayed through this passage, I was struck by God's heart for His people.  He has such great compassion, understanding and wisdom.  He makes a way for the Israelite people to leave Egypt---yes; and, yet, because He also knows them so well, He makes the way longer and more arduous. He knows if the way is shortened, they would be tempted to go back.   With a wise and loving heart, God 'burns the bridges' that lead back to lead them back to Egypt.  He takes away their options.  He makes retreat impossible.

"When Pharaoh let the people go, God did not lead them on the road through the Philistine country, though that was shorter. For God said, “If they face war, they might change their minds and return to Egypt.” So God led the people around by the desert road toward the Red Sea." (Exodus 13:17-18)

He delivered me, too, from "my egypt".   And...He also knows my heart so well!  He knows that I might change my mind and run back...  just like my brothers and sisters, the Israelites.   Indeed, I do feel the temptation to live in that egypt from time-to-time, to be sure!  We are so prone to run back to what feels normal or comfortable---even if it is slavery.

These last few days, I think maybe I have been living in the memory--- or in the shadow of my egypt, Lord.  

God reminds me that He burned that bridge for me with Christ's "it is finished" sacrifice.  He says "the old is gone and the new has come!"  (2 Corinthians 2:15)

As they are leaving Egypt, God reminds them... yet again... to take no yeast from Egypt.   He reminds me, again, this morning that I need to be aware of the "yeast" I used and lived with, in my old"egypt" land.  These are old things... things to be seen, noted, and discarded.  It is where I once lived.  But, not where I live today.  Or, at least, not where I must live today.  Instead He has delivered me into a new place...   a place of freedom.

So, I ask Him now.  What is the promised-land to which I have been delivered, Lord?  

My promised land is ...rich in love. ...a place where I can know and walk in the deep knowledge of His unconditional love.  I don't have to run anywhere or do anything to find it.
My promised land is  ...full  ...connected ....relational ...a place where I don't have to earn my worth---it has been earned for me!  ...a place where I have been given, as a gift, peace and joy and fullness.  I have enough.  I am enough in Him.
My promised land is a place where His Presence is always with me.  ...grace and mercy are in abundance  ...I am strong and okay and firmly planted on Him.

I want to live in this reality today, Lord.  I want to live with You in this land... my promised land: Your love.  

"As the Father has loved me, so I have loved you.  Now, remain in my love." (John 15:9)    Live in my love

Shut Up!

 "Eve, don't listen to the liar!" by Paul Gauguin (Photo Source)

Sometimes I have to just tell her to "shut up".

Sometimes I need to say "Step back! Step-off! and Shut up!

Do you ever hear her or him... that inner critic, that judge and shame-dealer?

She pokes and prods and tells me how lame I am or what a failure I am.  She tells me to give-up and that it isn't worth it.  And, sometimes she tells me that I am unloved or unlovable.

When she "speaks", she is tenacious.   Always, she is a liar.  She is mean, unforgiving and ungraceful.

Today, she is plaguing me.  Like fingernails on a black chalk board, her "voice" is grating and shrill. It is time to tell her to "shut up".  Enough already.  Be quiet, in Jesus Name!

The Voice of Truth tells me a different story.  His Words are true and kind.  They are gentle, humble and dripping with grace.  And, with His voice,  all things can be calmed.

...even her ugly critiques.

So, this morning I say, "Enough is enough!"  In the name and power of Jesus, be still.  And, shut up!

All the Beauty by JJ Heller 

I know that she's a liar when I look into her eyes

But I believe in every word she says

She's out to start a fire burning everything I have

I can't put it out 'cause it's all inside my head 

And then You sing

I hear You sing

You call me lovely

You call me friend

You call me out of death and let me try again

You call me beloved

You call me clean

Then you show me all the beauty that you see in me

I still hear her whisper and sometimes I hear her shout 

You're not good enough and you will never be 

But if I focus on Your singing I can start to tune her out

'Cause You came with a love to set me free

I know that You love me enough to die

And I will try to see the value that you place on me

And You say I'm worthy

Voice of Truth by Casting Crowns