Lament Response

It was deeply, dark-clouded and a fiercely windy day.  While walking, no... stomping..., my way up the green, muddy hill, I asked the Lord, "Are you really with me?"  

This day was just another day in a string of hard days... my husband lay ill in bed with Covid.  He still suffered and we were waiting, praying, hoping for sickness to leave.  Days on days... weeks getting lost into months.  This illness and it's horrible touch lived with us every moment of every day.  

I had ventured out into the rough weather to get some fresh air and stomp out my prayers, my grief, my frustration, and my pain.  Muddied, wet, tired and emotional, I had the passing thought:   I am with you always... 

With you always, Stephanie...

With irritation and despairing tone, face upturned to the dark clouds, I shot back...  "Are you really with me? Really!?  Right here, now?  Are you really with me?"  

Lament is not my forte.  It is not something I normally do... nor have felt comfortable doing most of my Christian life.  My personality and my upbringing have not encouraged emotional outbursts, to be sure.  But, it seemed lately, that without lament...  with out this ever-increasing honesty with my Jesus...  I would run dry.   It seemed necessary and right and very good.  In these days, lament had become my doorway, my window, ...my deep well which accessed living water.   I was thirsty and God was teaching me to tell Him how very thirsty I was.  Oh!  How very thirsty I am!   

So, stomping up the hill, my face lifted, my honest response to the whispered Scripture, "I am with you always"... was tear filled retort.  Really, Lord?!  Are you really with me?  

Like a flash, I had His response.  Instantaneously, I heard one clear word quietly whispered to my heart...  Within.  

I am within you, Stephanie.  

Like lightening, the flash of truth filled me with the ever living water and it was another piece of manna.  Food for my days, for the weeks to come... for the days that would turn into months. 

Whatever would come, I felt my courage rise.  My faith was filled with His Presence and I knew...  

I am always within you, Stephanie.   

So much closer than with... even closer than walking alongside...  My Jesus is within me.    His Spirit lives and abides IN me.  Closer than my very breath.  

Paul tells us in Ephesians that Jesus makes "his home within us".  Jesus, Himself, tells us His Spirit abides with us and within us... (John 14)   I believe we spend too much time looking up and out for Him... seeking Him outside of ourselves... seeking Him in the skies (where He also dwells, just to be clear!)  We need to remember that He is within.  

Jesus said in John 16:5-16:  "I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you. In a little while the world will see Me no more, but you will see Me. Because I live, you also will live. On that day you will know that I am in My Father, and you are in Me, and I am in you….If anyone loves Me, he will keep My word. My Father will love him, and We will come to him and make Our home with him."

His home is within us.  And, all fullness of life and joy and peace lives in Him.  If we are lacking, He is not.  He will give to those who lack.  Do you need wisdom?  Ask Him... He is full of it and He lives in you.  Fullness of wisdom abides in you... abide in Him!  Do you need patience?  or love?  Or do you need joy today?  Ask Him, He is full of it... and He lives in you.  

I walked home that day... that dark, pounding day with a full heart.  I was full of Him and His truth.  He responded to my lament.  His loved welled up and filled my heart and mind with more of Himself.  

The difficult days continued onward... days turned into weeks.  Weeks fell away to months...  In fact, as I write this, we still live with the reality of this horrible illness.  We've stopped counting time passed.  But still ...and still...  that piece of manna ---within----feeds me.  

Just to be clear, I don't hear from His Spirit these type of "words" often--- this is why I call it manna.  Or, better yet, I should call it a feast.  He feeds me manna from the Bible and I collect what I can for each day.  His Scripture is my daily bread.  These special moments--- these flash moments ---are like a feast day.  

Even when I don't feel it... I can remember the taste of the feast.  I know it to be true.  

He is within me always, even until the end of the age.  

What do you see?

photo source

Sometimes it is simply a matter of how you look at it.

What is it I see and of what do I make note?

Today, I can look out the window and notice that the hydrangea plant isn't flowering much and isn't getting very full.  It seems to still be more green than red--will it ever be full of color?

Or, I can look at that same hydrangea plant and remark on the radiant deep red that colors the top half of the bush.   I can note how the colors combine and compliment each other reminding me that Christmas is coming---red and green!  It is simply a matter of how I see.

I can notice and complain about how the hydrangea bush seems to be growing at an odd and awkward angle ...  or, instead, I can declare the remarkable way it is growing outward and upward, stretching and straining toward the afternoon sun!  This plant will do anything, even a strange crick of it's neck, to drink in the sunlight.

What do I see when I look at that same-said plant?

Day-in-and-day-out we all have a choice.   I have the choice today.

I was exercising this morning to a work-out video.  In the video, the instructor says, "If you can do any of this work-out, you have reason to praise God!"  I was so deeply struck with her perspective.  In that moment, I was frustrated that I couldn't do this-and-that... that my stamina was so limited.  She was looking at the same-said workout with a different lens.  She reminded me that I have reason to praise God!  I can move and jump and all my limbs work today!  I can exercise.  And, that, in-and-of-itself, is reason to worship.

What will I see today?

Will I note those things that are undone?  Or can I notice and rejoice in those things that have been accomplished...

Will I note the lack of faith or the worry in my heart, or enter into those moments when I feel close and experience trust?

Sometimes it is just a matter of how I choose to look at it.

I want to see the deep red of the hydrangea and rejoice as it lifts it's head toward the light. I want to be thankful for breath in my lungs, feet that work and faith that resides deep in my heart.  I want to be watchful and aware today and see, in wonder, all the good and perfect gifts from God, my Father.   Give me eyes to see, Father.  


**funny postscript.  Just after writing and posting this blog, I walked into the school room with my son's corrected math homework. As I handed it to him, he asked, "How many did I get wrong?".  Son, I said, don't ask how many you got wrong... ask me, "How many did I get right!?"  He laughed at me and asked again, "Mom, how many did I get wrong?"
...we all have a choice.  Day in and day out.  How many things will I see aright today?  

The tumble and fall of the urgent "more"

photo source

Just one more pair of jeans... that should do, right?  Oh!  and...I need just one more shirt in pink, then I am done.  Just one more trip to Target.  Or, one more book.  One more album.  Or, one more app.   For everyone it is different, for sure--- but,  we feel it, don't we?  Or, am I alone here feeling the tug?  


Because, what I have is great... but it is not quite enough.   Nearly, yes.  Well, okay-yes, it is enough, of course!  And, I am thankful, Lord.  But...  but, I just need this one more thing...  


And so it goes.  The tumble and fall, the slippery slope of the "more".  There seems to be a constant urge within--- an urgent cry, a tugging, a screaming, or a quiet nag--- for "more".


In the movie, "Sabrina", Sabrina Fair reminds Linus,  "More isn't always better, Linus.  Sometimes it is just more."  Oh! The tug and the pull of the more.  One more movie, one more episode, one more email, one more blog and one more blouse.  One more chip and one more bite...  Just one more.


It isn't always better, Stephanie.  Sometimes, it just more.


Certainly this isn't a problem that only Americans have... although I do feel it keenly living here these few months, to be sure.  This is a human problem.  Across time and generations this has been a problem.  Solomon speaks to it over and over again, "Man's appetite is never satisfied". (Ecclesiastes 6:7)


To be content with exactly what I have right now and nothing more.  I need for nothing.  I have no need, no want, and no "dream" for the more.  "For godliness with contentment is great gain". (I Timothy 6:6).  My Father reminds me that there is great gain in being okay with what I have.  What blessings await me to be content with the "now" and to be happy in what I have now.  "Moreover, when God gives any man wealth and possessions, and enables him to enjoy them, to accept his lot and be happy in his work--this is a gift of God. (Ecc. 5:19)  So, He invites me not only to be "okay" with what I have, but to enjoy it.  


Lord, bless me with this enjoyment and this contentment--- these gifts from You.  


"O thou who kindly dost provide
For every creature's want!
We bless Thee, God of Nature wide,
For all Thy goodness lent:
And if it please Thee, Heavenly Guide,
May never worse be sent;
But, whether granted, or denied,
Lord, bless us with content. Amen! ~Robert Burns Grace

Mercy from a Rock

I really detest complaining. When I hear murmuring, whining or complaining it feels like nails on a chalk board to me. I remember praying daily for my daughter when she was 3 years old. She whined badly. And, I remember asking God to help her stop. I knew it would make me crazy if I had to listen to that sound!!

It is a pet-peeve... complaining.

And yet, it is amazing how easily I tolerate or put-up-with my own complaints. My own complaining heart doesn't seem to bother me to the same degree. It hardly bothers me at all.

I am pretty sure that I am okay with my own whining voice because somehow I feel justified. If I am complaining or murmuring, I feel "right" to do so. The complaint is obviously valid and therefore deserves complaining. Most of the time, I think, my mind is clouded by my complaint-inducing circumstance. It doesn't feel like complaining. It feels like I am just stating things, or seeing things, "as they are". That is not complaining, right?

When I hear other's complaints, I can see more clearly the broad truths around them. Even when a complaint is "justified" it is never alone--- without other truths that surround it and shine light on it. When it is someone else, I can more easily see God's blessing and His provisions... and it bugs me that they can't see it. I don't have much mercy-flowing as I hear the complaints around me.

Reading this morning, I was struck with God's faithful mercy. The Israelites are complaining and grumbling. They are causing havoc and chaos for their leader, Moses. It says they are quarreling with Moses. And, truly, their complaint is justified. They are thirsty. This is pretty good reason to be upset. But, their response is to mummer and argue. (Exodus 17)

Even so, God in His amazing grace and mercy gives them what they need with no punishment or rebuke. Such mercy!

I can't help but wonder if He would much rather have had them ask with faith and trust. Wouldn't it have brought joy to His heart if they had simply "prayed about everything" and "didn't worry about what they ate or drank", but "trusted in the Lord with all their hearts"?

Trust. Trust facilitates asking without complaining.

We have a saying in our family life, (we use it with our kids as well as with each other), "Telling me once is information, twice is complaining".

When my kids can trust that I heard them tell me they are hungry or have a headache, (For, of course, I want them to tell me that! I want that information), they don't feel the need to tell me 10 more times. If they trust I am listening and will respond, they don't need to whine or complain. When I am faithful to give them exactly what they need and to lovingly respond to their information, then they don't need to murmur or argue.

Do I trust Father God like this? Do I trust Him enough to sit and ask and then release it into His hands. Doesn't my complaining words, verbal or non-verbal, show that I am not entrusting the need to Father. Doesn't my murmuring testify that my trust in Him is faulty?

And, still. ...still He gives them water from a rock. This is the mercy of God.

I ask. And, still I complain. And, how many times has He even still answered and given me water from a rock!! Mercy.

...but, I think He is inviting me to so much more! ... Asking and trusting. Trusting and releasing. Resting and not complaining.

"Do everything without complaining or arguing" Phil. 2:14

Father, continue to build my trust and my faith. May I know You, Your sweet provision and love! May I learn to ask and to release to you all things. May I do all things without complaining or arguing.

Be a bird... not a sheep

Photo Source

While studying Ancient Greece this school year, I have read many of Aesop's Fables to my children. Aesop wrote most of his stories about animals and all of them end with a moral--- quite profound, actually. One of the games I played with my kids while reading was a guessing game. I would ask them, "Okay, guess, what was the moral of this story?" At first they took the game very seriously and attempted to guess the moral. As time went on, though, they became a bit lazy in their guessing and it became a joke to simplify the "guess" to something like... "be a swan and not a raven" or "be an ant and not a frog" or "be an owl and not a grasshopper". They, of course, would laugh heartily at their hilarious humor! Not exactly helpful in the learning of profound morals... but it did make me laugh a time or two.

This morning while on my prayer walk, I had the distinct thought... "be a bird and not sheep". The thought made me chuckle. Walking past the sheep regularly now, I am always amazed at the constant bleating that comes from these fields. Sheep seem to be very noisy animals. They are constantly making noise. It is quite remarkable. I wouldn't have known that having never lived among or around sheep before. In my limited experience I would say that sheep and lambs are very vocal.

But, today, I noticed something different, something I had never really observed before. First off, the bleating sound carries really far. I could hear it from one field to the next and onto the next adjoining field, as well. It was loud and seemed to never stop... no matter how far I got from the field. The sound of sheep was inescapable.

Secondly, I noticed that the sounds they were making sounded very "human" like. I could almost put a word, or a sound-word, with each bleat and moan. Each one, very unique, sounded like a human cry of some sort. This one sounded like a "Why?!" and that one sounded like a "Woa (is me)". This one sounded like a "Oh!!" and that one sounded like a "Ah" or "Uh".

One would sound-off right after the other in a harmony of cries. And, they all were quite pitiful sounds really. Whimpering, whining, worrying cries bleat from these sheep... and this sad sound carried far from one field into the next... and onward.

As I listened to this symphony of sad-sheep-sound, I asked the Lord, "Is this what we sound like to you, Father?" After asking the question, my attention was quickly turned to another constant sound around our fields... bird song. Birds, too, are always vocalizing. The birds here seem to be constantly chatting and singing. In fact, I have some new baby sparrows living in my rafters... which I hear most mornings around sunrise (4:30 AM!). They chatter and sing at the rising of the sun. It is quite loud and wakes me most mornings. This sound, too, is inescapable! But, unlike the sheep, their sounds are much sweeter in tone. They seem to be saying nice things, gentle things, and even worshipful things. A bird song sounds like music... beautiful music. Where the bleating of the sheep sounds sad and carries a tone of discord, the bird's song is harmonious and uplifting.

As I walked the fields bombarded by this variety of sounds, I continued to ask the Lord for His insight. I began to think of Biblical verses describing sheep. Sheep are described as "lost and wandering" (Zech 10, Matt. 10), "harassed and helpless" (Matt. 9)... And, then I thought of Jesus' teaching to, "consider the ravens". These ravens, these sparrows, don't worry or sow. They just are fed by God. Is this why they sound happier in their song? Do the ravens, the sparrows, and the black birds sing a song of thankfulness and live a life trusting God's provision? Is this why they sound so beautiful?

Do I sound like the sheep? Does my voice, vocally or in my heart, sound whining, complaining, desperate and pitiful? Or do my cries, my life-song, my heart-voice sound like the birds? Are all my comings and goings... my toil, my roaming, my thoughts... are they all covered in the "Woa (is me)" sound of bleating or are they covered in the "hallelujah" sound coming from a bird?

Certainly, in a simple "Aesop's" world, I can paint this picture in my mind and I can suggest that the moral of the story would be... to be a bird not a sheep!

But, as I think through the complexities of our real world and stretch the analogy farther, I must say that when looking up the word "sheep" in the Bible... I found many more verses that related to God's deep love for sheep--- His sheep, than those that point to the stupidness, the harriedness and pitifulness of sheep. I found verses that remind me of God's response to the Israelites, when He heard their cries in Exodus 3 "The Lord said, "I have indeed seen the misery of my people in Egypt. I have heard them crying out because of their slave drivers, and I am concerned about their suffering." Scripture talks about God's people crying ot to Him. And over and over the Word speaks of Him hearing them in love. Time and time again God refers to His people, His sheep, as in need of a shepherd.

His knowledge of our sheep-ness (bleating and all) is always cloaked in His love, His mercy and His deep compassion. Over and over again in Scripture, God HEARS. He hears the cries of His people.

So, my heart desires to live as a bird... unworried, eating from His hand, and living life with a thankful voice and a worshipful heart! But, I know my tendency to live as a sheep... harassed, and complaining... bleating my way through the grass and whining my way to the watering hole. And, this is why I need a good Shepherd!! And, it is good to know He knows this, He knows me... and still loves me.

Unwholesome talk

I think God likes to rearrange, challenge, and push my definitions from time-to-time.

Unwholesome talk: I would say that this has not been a particular struggle for me. Even as a non-believer and early in my walk with Jesus, I have never been a big cusser. I am not prone to crass words or crude jokes. In fact, as long as I can remember, I have always been bothered by it.

Reading this morning in Ephesians, I had a mild shock when I realized that God contrasts unwholesome talk with "words that are helpful for building up others" (Ephesians 4:29). Essentially my kind Father instructs me to not say this (unwholesome talk)... but instead say this. ...instead say "words that may benefit those who listen".

I read this and, I believe, the Spirit of God poked me a bit with His Word. It became very clear that my words are not always helpful. My words are not always building up others. And, my words are not always benefiting those who are listening. I sat for a moment and asked the Lord for direction here. Quickly I was reminded of very recent instances where my words were boastful, complaining and even slanderous.

Looking up the Greek word for "unwholesome" at Blue Letter Bible, quickly reveals to my heart that the talk that God is referring to here is not only dirty talk, cussing, or foul jokes. This word in Greek means anything that was worthless or rotten. It means anything that is of "poor quality".

When I complain to my husband or winge about a certain circumstance or person, are my words good quality (as opposed to poor), valuable (as opposed to worthless) and pure, untainted (as opposed to rotten)? Are they helpful for him? Are they building him up?

Where is the balance between expressing honest emotions in a safe context and slander? Where is the balance between venting genuine hurt or valid feelings and complaining? I really don't exactly know the answer. ...But, I want to ask Father for His direction. I need His guidance and His clarity.

We have always told our kids, "If you tell me once, it is information. If you tell me twice, it is complaining." Is this the standard?

What is God's standard for unwholesome talk... I think He is redefining and refining this for me today.

Father keep me aware. Make me aware. Help me to have a keen sensitivity to sin. Please Lord keep a guard on my tongue and help me to take all thoughts captive, making them obedient to You, Your grace and Your truth. Teach me Lord what it means to not let any unwholesome talk come out of my mouth. I want to learn, Lord.

Gift of a Dream

God spoke to my heart through a dream last night. He has used dreams a few times in my life. Last night I saw a picture in my sleep and woke immediately knowing it was from God. Interestingly enough, past dreams that I believe have been from God have mostly have been about my heart; and in particular, these dreams have been about my sin. Last night God spoke to my sin through a dream.

The details of the dream aren't important. The important part of this moment in my journey is the message that I woke up with at 2 am. I woke up this morning knowing (praying, actually) that I needed to be "wearing Christ". More specifically I needed to be "wearing" thankfulness, worship, joy and grace. It can be quite easy for me to "wear" complaint, discouragement, fear or judgement. I saw this in my dream. I believe God's hand was at work in my dream world and He was speaking loud and clear. Stephanie, clothe yourself in Me.


Clothe yourselves with the Lord Jesus Christ, and do not think about how to gratify the desires of the sinful nature. Romans 13

Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Colossians 3

All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because, "God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble." 1 Peter 5

So many Scriptures come to mind and I am moved to begin afresh praying that I would put-on Christ each day.

The other (and more important) part of the dream and consequently the "knowledge" that I woke with... is that I need to put these things on, I need to "wear" thankfulness and grace, most specifically AT HOME. It is an easy thing to say that we are most real with those we love. It is easy to say that those we are closest to get the hardest, harshest and most raw treatment from us--- but it should not be this way. I was struck this early morning by the fact that my "wearing" of complaints and grumbling was most affecting my home. I was struck this early 2 am morning that I need to put-on Christ in my home, with my husband and with my children.

The beauty of last night is that God did not leave well enough alone. He had a follow-up discussion prepared in my daily reading this morning! I love that! This is what I read the morning after my dream:

"Accompany me to-day, O Holy Spirit, in all my goings, but stay with me also when I am in my own home and among my kindred. Forbid that I should fail to show to those nearest to me the sympathy and consideration which thy grace enables me to show to others with whom I have to do. Forbid that I should refuse to my own household the courtesy and politeness which I think proper to show to strangers. Let charity today begin at home." ~John Baillie

He says "forbid". Forbid, dear Lord, that I should be unkind, complaining, harsh or judgmental to my own family. Forbid it, Lord. Forbid that I should not show mercy to my children and my husband when you show me mercies new every morning. Forbid it Lord! Forbid that I not wear the grace and joy that You have bought with such a precious price!

It started with a dream... it was knowledge and conviction ...and then a mid-night prayer... it was an early morning reading... and now, yet, another prayer.

Thank you for the dream, Lord. Let charity today begin at home.

Amnesia

I was just struck today by what a complainer I am. I don't naturally complain much out loud (not that I can't do this too!), but I complain a lot in my heart.

I complain in my heart when the shower doesn't work quite right or when my kids left their towels on the floor "again"! I complain in my heart when I splash bleach on a pair of my favorite pants and when I just don't feel like schooling my kids today... my heart is complaining. I complain when my husband makes plans with a friend that are just a bit inconvenient for me and when my feet hurt from standing on them all day.

It brings to mind the sounds of a whining child who wants "just one more piece of candy", when he just finished a handful a few minutes ago. I look at this child and think "Really?? Are you not thankful for all you just had? Isn't' it enough!" Hmmm....

The problem really is the balance between the reality of life's little (or big) frustrations and a complaining heart.

Where does one end and the other begin? Where is the balance?

It is okay, of course, to be frustrated when I splash the bleach on my pants... but how much frustration, for how long and how many times do I need to notice it and say "dang!". I don't know.

What I do know is that generally I don't live the balance and I so want to. I want to live in and with a thankful heart. When I allow my frustration to overtake the worship or thankfulness, is that the line?

My friend refers often to a fond phrase, "spiritual amnesia". We just forget. We forget who God is, who we are and we forget what is important. We knew it this morning as we sat in His word and then we just forget. This is what I am processing as I ponder my complaining heart.

What would it be like if I so deeply trusted the Lord, so truly worshipped Him alone, and was living in thankfulness? Would the bleach spot have any affect on me?

I painted a black dot on my thumbs today in the attempt to use it as a physical reminder of worship and thankfulness. I wanted to notice it and whisper to the Lord, "I love you!", "I trust you", or "Thank you, Lord". It worked for half the day... and then I forgot. Did I see it and forget or did I just not see it?

I am not advocating law here... there is much, much grace from our faithful, kind Father in this learning curve to be sure! I am just wanting more. I want to live..."Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." Always, continually and in all circumstances... I want to remember. I want to not live in a state of amnesia.

How long wicked grumblers?

My husband reminded us this morning of God's words to the Israelites "How long will this wicked community grumble against me?"

He had provided a miracle of manna for them and they complained.

How is it possible that I can grumble at the Lord when He so obviously and extravagantly provides for me. And, yet I do. I did this morning.
I was so anxious today about the details of moving into our "manna" house, that I felt like I had had way too many cups of coffee... this today was my form of grumbling.

Essentially my morning was filled with worry about the "how", the "when" and the "what if"... Oh, my grumbling heart.

I appreciated my husband's words, but they came as a bit of a slap. They were on target. They were spoken in truth and in love. And they were spoken by God to me.

What would my life look like if I trusted my Father truly, if I lived a life according to the all familiar Philipians 4 passage... Rejoice in the Lord...

What would it look like if I LIVED rejoicing. The Lord is near.

Who would I be if I lived aware of His nearness. Do not worry about anything.

I can hardly imagine living in this freedom. No worry. Don't worry!? How?... Ahh, but here is the rub... I know how! I have been clearly told how... but in everything, with Thanksgiving, make your requests known to God.

Ahh... there is the answer. He tells me to just talk to Him. Tell my good, trustworthy, faithful, kind Father about it and thank Him.

And the peace of Christ will guard your heart and mind.

The Peace of God Almighty as a guard, a fortress, a wall around my heart and my mind. What an amazing promise!

As the day continued there was some victory in this. But the battle for victory was more painful than it need be, I think. I fought a few times... rejected worry, chose thankfulness and talked with my Father asking Him for help. I have won the great prize of peace. I am sitting in it right now as I write. But, I know the key is to live in it. The key is to remain in Him, isn't it?

I can remain. I can rejoice. I can look for His presence. I can be thankful. I can ask Him and trust His answers. Oh, Lord, lead me forward in truth. How long will I grumble against you? Forgive me.