A Warm Place to Live

There is a place for me to live always.  I have a home.  It is a warm, inviting and cozy place.  It is settled.  Forever.

I hear the voice of God beckoning me home again and again.  Day after day.  Come and sit with me here.  Live with me.  In this place, you are home.  

Why is it I feel restless and homeless at times?  I need never feel unsettled or unsure.  Why is it that I ever worry or why do I let fear steal?  I need never be afraid.

Today, He reminds me again, that it is His will, His pleasure, and His determination that will redeem me and keep me.  It is He that holds me in His saving, righteous, strong hand.  (Isaiah 40: 10)

I need only abide.  Stay right here in Me.  Live in Me.  Walk every day in My presence.  

Abide.  Live.  Stay.  Remain.  I will abide in You, Lord.  Today, I remember.  

He tells me I can remain in the place that is always a home for me... His love.  (John 15:9)
His love, my warm home.

I wonder about house and home.  I look around me at the four walls and the roof that keep off the rain.  I do cherish these four walls---good gifts from You.  Thank you, Lord.

I feel the pains of this tent that can ache with age and are weighed down by the effects of gravity.  I do cherish this tent---wonderfully made by You.  Thank you, Lord.  

No.  Not these places.  This house.  This body... this body is not my home.

I wonder and find myself curious about the future---all the unknown about tomorrow.   I wonder about tomorrow's tomorrow.

He says,  I will never leave you.  Draw near to Me.  Live in My love. 

Yes, Lord, You have been our dwelling place, for generations.  (Psalm 90:1)

This is the place I live.  Your Love is my home.  My always home---right now.  And, yes, it is indeed a warm and cozy place to live.

He Tells a Different Story

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The nature of our lives--- our work and our connection to so many people around the world---allows for a pretty consistent slew of bad news coming across our desks.  We jokingly look at each other sometimes and talk about the all too common feeling of dread when hitting the "send and receive" button in our email program.  What will we hear next...

Bad news.  

No one likes to hear it.  Feelings that accompany bad news are numerous, depending on the situation and how close it comes to us, the feelings come in degrees---sadness, grief, anger, disgust, worry, fear, hopelessness...  just to name a few.  Bad news can feel like a punch in the gut.  We don't like how bad news feels.  But, we keep hearing it.  ...and yes, we all keep reading the headlines and the news.  Like going back into a painful situation time and time again, we keep turning on the television to hear more or to listen to it again.  And, again.  Why?   Why do we do this to ourselves, I wonder.  

This morning I was struck when reading Mark 5:35-43.  In this passage, a desperate father is standing before Jesus asking for Him to come and heal his dying daughter.   While he is still standing with Jesus, some men come and tell Jarius, the father, terrible news---horrific news.  "Your daughter is dead", they say.   What might Jarius have been feeling at that moment; that gut-wrenching moment?  I can only imagine.  Truly, this must be the one of the worst possible pieces of news a person can receive--- death; the death of someone you love.  

Jesus' reply to this situation is shocking.  All eyes are on Jarius in this moment; but, heads must turn quickly to look at Jesus when He speaks confidently and directly after the men bring the bad news. He tells Jairus a very different story.  In the passage, in fact, Jesus "ignored what they said" and encourages Jairus with these words:  

"Don't be afraid:  just believe" (Mark 5:36)

Jesus tells Jarius a totally different story--- He gives him different news.  

Going against the tide, against the "truth" and "reality" that everyone is seeing and testifying to, Jesus walks forward and says, "The child is not dead but asleep".    

This morning, as I saw this story unfold in my mind's-eye, I kept thinking:  What if when I hear bad news---horrific and terrible news--- what if, I looked to You, Jesus.  In those moments---those sad, fearful, sickening moments.  What if I turned my eyes immediately from the messenger (let it be men, email or television) and asked You, "What say You?"  

Jesus, what do You say about this?  What is the true story here?  

Might I hear something different from my Jesus, my Savior?  When I hear the hopelessness that is being broadcast over our world today...  what if Jesus is "ignoring" this bad news of despair and saying something different?  

Might I hear the whispering of His words...  "Don't be afraid... just believe"

"I am making all things new" (Revelation 21:5)

Jesus, tell me Your story---Your good news.  Tell me the True story today.  

Too Far Into Love

"I am afraid..." she said to me, with almost a whisper in her voice.  Could she say it out-loud?

"I am afraid to take it too far.  I hear all you are saying about God's love for me... In fact, I think I have heard Him say it to me.  I hear it.  ...about living-as-loved... about who I am because I am loved.  But..."  

"But, isn't it possible to go too far?!"

I knew what she was saying.  I have known this hesitation.  

I remember saying almost the exact same thing.  I remember saying it and knowing it was wrong... and still saying it!  I remember feeling the hesitation or danger in this concept of unconditional, lavished love!  

I said it.  I did.  It wasn't that long ago that I said to my husband:  "There is a hesitation to diving in.  It is a dangerous feeling.  I mean, if I really--- I mean, really and truly--- believed that God loves me.  If I really trusted in God's love for my "okayness", my everything, my security...  then... who would keep me in check.  Wouldn't I just jump off the deep end of sin?  Wouldn't I be prideful and selfish?  Wouldn't I just 'let myself go' and 'rest on my rump'... doing nothin' for good or for God??  Who would keep me in line?" 

I know the hesitation.  I was there.  

We, as Christians, do get really good at being good.  ...doing what is right.  ...living by all the "shoulds" around us.  We perfect the act and dance the dance well.  Well,... sort-of.  At least on the outside---  at least outside our homes, outside our living rooms and bedrooms.  I think, we learn to put-on "loved" that is.  

Or, I did.  For a long time...  

Not that I didn't love the Lord.  I did.  Very much.

Not that I didn't grow or even move forward in my understanding of God.  I did.  ...but, still deep within I knew the truth.  I knew that there was something big missing.  I knew that deep down I really questioned God's love for me.  

And, I also knew that the idea of abandoned to love---left alone with only His love---felt a dangerous and scary concept.  ...would it be enough?  

"I am afraid.." she quietly shared with me today.  "Isn't it possible to go too far with God's love?"  

Now, I know.  I finally know!  I reallly, truly and deeply know that God loves me.  

....and I can whisper back to my fellow-journeyer, an invitation, "Trust me, my friend, you can never---ever---never go too far into God's love!  You can never push the concept of you as a loved-one, a beloved one, too far!  You just can't!"

Dive in.  Dive deep.  Swim wide and long!  Soak up the Truth of His love for you.  May it invade your very bones, your marrow, your bloodstream!  May His love fill every nook and every dark place within you!  With His love you can never take it too far...  

Today's Trust

I had significant physical pain again today.

This wrestle with pain has been a life long journey for me; a path, so it seems, that my Father intends me to continue to trudge.

The actual pain isn't horrible in-and-of-it-self.  Certainly the pain isn't as bad as it has been in the past.  But when it comes, it can bring with it a heavy, dusky emotional load.  It can shadow my heart with worry and fear.

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The "what ifs" shadow can invade and surround me---blocking out bright light.  What if it gets really bad again?  What if it is something new, something worse?

This morning, the "what ifs" crashed around my heart and pushed into the corners of my mind, taking a light-filled mood and bearing down with darkness.  I felt cranky and irratible.  ...Frustrated and anxious.  One harsh snap of my mouth toward my son as we left the house made me aware--- a quick slap awake, ...somethings is not right in my heart.

On the ride to the church, I simply put my head back, closed my eyes and brought my heart to the Lord.

I am worried, Lord.  What if it gets worse? 


I want this pain to end, Father, and it isn't over...  


I am tired of this, Lord! I am afraid.  

As these thoughts tumbled out of my heart in prayer, the song from the radio spoke something very different to my soul.

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"His love is amazing.  Steady and unchanging.  His love is a mountain firm beneath my feet.  His love is surprising.  I can feel it rising.  His love is surrounding.  His love carries me."

His love surrounds and carries. 

His love...my heart began to sing along with the music.  Slowly and steadily, the raging worries ceased to pound my mind.  The "what-ifs" silenced and my heart was lifted.  Light entered my mind and I sat and listened.  And quietly, I began to sing along,  "His love is amazing!"  

Your love O Lord, reaches to the heavens.  Your faithfulness reaches to the skies. 

My gentle Father calmed my soul and quieted my mood.  Like a big, gentle hug, He wrapped His calming love around me.  Oh! How He loves me...

There was a moment of peace and then He spoke His Truth into this peace.  A loving hug was followed by a firm face-to-face truth-moment for my mind.   As if to grab my face with tender, strong hands and looking into my eyes, His Spirit spoke deep into my soul...

My well loved daughter--- Set your mind on things above, not on earthly things.  Set your heart on things above where Christ is seated at my right hand.

Trust me for today.  And, do not worry about tomorrow, Stephanie....


Oh!  How He loves me...

He remained silent... unless

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In those last hours before His death, He was left by His friends.  Alone He walked.  Alone He stood.  He was questioned and assaulted and still He remained silent. (Matthew 26: 63)

Silent, that is, sometimes.

There were times, very specific times, when He spoke up.  There was a question that He simply couldn't and wouldn't deny, even with silence.  He wouldn't allow them to misunderstand His silence as denial.  

He could not keep quiet any longer when asked about who He was.  He must speak forth His identity.  

"If you are the Christ, then tell us!" they demanded. "Are you the Son of God?" they questioned.  

"I am",  Jesus answers.  No more silence.  

"But Jesus remained silent.  The high priest said to Him, "I charge you under the oath of the living God, tell us if you are the Christ, the Son of God."  (Matthew 26:63)

"Yes, it is as you say."  (v.64)   

The humility of silence wouldn't stand when questioned about His very Being or about His relationship to His Father.  He cannot, will not, deny who He is.  

Even as my eyes glance over the words, "Yes, it is as you say," a memory floods my mind.  As I read this today, thinking on those last moments of Christ's life, I can't help but think of the recent moment when I remained silent.    Just the other day, in fact.  Not questioned, exactly... and certainly not assaulted, the opportunity to speak of who I am in Christ came and went.  I remained silent.  

Did I deny my Lord that day?  Well, not exactly...  But, my silence was truly full of cowardice, people-pleasing, and insecurity.  Was my silence a form of denial?  I knew the moment I walked away from the situation.  I felt the tug and sadness, the conviction, of His Spirit.  

He had been there with me.  I am never alone.  He had given me words.  I had Truth still lingering on my tongue.  I could have testified with my mouth.  But, I chose silence...  "humble" "gentle" "inoffensive" silence.  I remained silent.  

My Jesus remained silent that day.  Silent, that is... unless asked about who He was.  He just won't deny who He is, even with silence.  

Still Afraid Sometimes

So, I found myself afraid last night. It was a significant fear that I struggled to shake off. No real reason for the fear;it was irrational fear, really. But, man!, was it a struggle as I tried to fall asleep.

As I worked my way through the night, waking many times, I prayed much and fought with spiritual weapons I have learned to use--- the Name of Jesus being the primary one!

But, still the fear lingered and poked and nudged it's way into my sleep, my dreams and my whole night. What is this?

I woke this morning and it had all dissipated with the morning sun. Was it simply childlike fear of the dark!?

As I woke, I wondered (in prayer) with the Father at my lack of trust or faith. Not at all in shame or guilt... but in reflection and wonder. Like my brothers, those disciples, who rode in a boat and were afraid of the storm... I felt Jesus whispering to my heart, "Do you still lack faith?O, you of little faith. Why are you so afraid?". (Mark 4:35-40)

Why, Stephanie, are you so afraid?

I don't know, Lord. I really don't know.

True love, I know, casts out fear (I John 4:18). Trusting this True Love, His True Love, is the key to faith and will solve fear... I know. But, I felt stuck last night. I felt overpowered by the winds and the waves.

There were moments when I felt deep peace last night, I must share. And, those moments were when I remembered, and worshiped, WHO God is and WHAT He can do and has done! These moments opened light into my midnight darkness. ...maybe that is the beginning to wisdom. Just maybe...

This fear. The fear of the Lord. The knowledge of WHO He is and trusting Him as He really is... Almighty King and Loving Father.

This was the response of the disciples after Jesus' rebuke that day, "The were terrified and asked each other, 'Who is this that even the wind and waves obey him?'" (Mark 4:41).

My brothers went from fearing the waves and fearing for their safety to fearing HIM... they were terrified, it says. Maybe it is this right understanding of WHO God is that will bring deliverance from fear. Fear that frees us from fear!

But, it isn't just knowledge, is it? No. I am much more complex than that... there are far too many other variables in my heart--- my past, my wounds, my personality, and the enemy's work--- that were in play last night.

But, this fear... this good, awe-inducing, eye-opening, Spirit-led fear of my Lord... is the beginning of wisdom. (Psalm 111:10) And, I needed some wisdom last night!

Trust and Thankfulness

As I continue to recover from my operation, I have struggled with fear and discouragement quite a bit this week.

I am realizing that the simple fact that my "insides" are a dark, unseen place ...a place I can not understand, control, or fix... makes me uneasy and afraid.

I can't really know how my insides are recovering! I can't really know if I have been healed or if I am getting better.

But, my Father can and does...

And, this is where I come back to time-and-time-again. ...He knows.

Just last night as I was expressing my fear to the Lord, I wrote in my journal: "Fear not!"
I had read a beautiful chapter in Rose from Brier by Amy Carmichael,

"In the Fear not of our God (a word repeatd in one form or another from Genesis to Revelation) there is power to endure with what at the moment is most lacking in the one to whom it is spoken, be it courage, or the will to endure and to trimph which so easily slips away from us, or just common hope and patience to carry on in peace and joyfulness of spirit."

Fear not! Father God says to His people over and over again. Trust me and know that I am God. Be still. Do not worry. Do not be anxious about anything... I am faithful and good. I am loving and kind. I know you!

These verses are not the trite phrases. NO, these words have been and are life to me today. These Truths are becoming my food!

As many of you know, I have been "counting" my way to 1,000 gifts of grace from God.

It has been good, very good, to continue to count my blessings and grace-gifts.

Along with many others at www.aholyexperience.com, I share with you here a few from my list this week:

#766. Many different tastes from many different kitchens! More food on a plate!

#768. Morning light so very bright through my windows.

#771. Other blog posts that give me hope and encouragement.

#772. Sunshine as it sets and streams in on my face.

#773. Wind blown clouds--- a beautiful display of God's glory!

#774. Feeling stronger each day.

#775. Settling down on the inside.

#776. Learning lessons about keeping my mouth shut!

#780. Dancing 9 year old boy in my bedroom. How cute are you?!

#782. Flowers brought in love. Big, beautiful, yellow-happy flowers.

#784. A sermon online that stirs and teaches.

#787. Just holding his hand. ...touches of love.

#791. Amazing patience I see in my daughter as I am irritable and unkind.

#794. Watching her smile as she watches the movie. ...her eyes smile like her dad's.

#796. A hand of "gin rummy" with my boy.

#801. Gentle words, kind eyes... insisting they keep serving me and bringing my family meals.

#802. A walk in the rain, hand in hand with my son.

"It is probable that in most of us the spiritual life is impoverished and stunted because we give so little space to gratitude.” ~William Temple

Psalm 145:3: Great is the LORD and most worthy of praise; his greatness no one can fathom.

God's singin' again!

Upon waking, I uttered a one sentence prayer, "I am afraid, Father".

I am afraid.

In response to this half-sleep, honest, child like prayer, I believe God sang to me!

Have you ever heard God sing?

My kids and husband are always singing. Truly our house is a constant cacophony of sound. Rhythms are being tapped out, or a beat drummed. ...sounds, whistles, songs or just plain loud talking fills my home. My kids always have a 'song in their hearts'.

I don't.

I like music. I like music a lot, actually. But, unlike the other three members of my family, I NEVER have songs, sounds, and rhythms beating through my mind at all times.

But on Thursday morning, in answer to my sighed-prayer, "I am afraid, Lord", I instantly had a song's verse waft through my mind. ..singing to me. And, it was sweet.

"You made it all, said, "Let there be..." and there was, all that we see. From the sound of Your voice, to the work of Your hands... You do all things well. You do all things well."

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0cl-ge7pEDk

As if a direct, perfect answer to my cry and my prayer, He answered... with Truth. Truth in a song.

I am currently recovering from a much needed operation. You see, pain for me has always meant something was wrong in my body. ...well, something has been wrong in my body for nearly 30 years! And, so recovery from surgery is often a special-push in my trusting Father's goodness and healing.

Not all pain is bad pain...

Right now, I feel pain ...normal recovery pain... and can I worry or fear. I worry that this will never end. I fear that something else has gone wrong. I fear that it wasn't fixed. That infamous, "waiting for the other shoe to drop" has been a struggle this week.

As I experience these tough emotions,though, I feel as if the Father is calmly taking my face into His cupped hands (as I might do to my upset or sad 12 year old daughter). With kind, gentle, merciful eyes He is singing to me, "I made it all! I do all things well!"

I have plans for you, Stephanie. And, my plans for you are not to harm you... they are for your good and for my Glory! Trust me. Do you know I love you?

His faithful love endures forever. His mercies are new every morning. He does all things well. And, this morning I am not afraid.

How are you?

Christian fellowship that includes real vulnerability and honesty is written about in many books and spoken about in many 'a sermon. But, in every-day, real life do we have this with our brothers and sisters?

How are you today? ...we ask each other this how many times a day, how many times in a week? Sunday morning is filled with the sound of this question. What is it we are really asking, exactly?

The appropriate response to this daily question, of course, is ... "Fine, thanks!" or "Doing well. How are you?" If you give any other answer to that infamous question, you might bring a mild shock or make someone very uncomfortable.

In Kazakh, the proper response to the "How are you?" was... "How are you? How's your health?" (no answer needed, just another question).

In Turkish, the proper response was, "Thank you." They ask you, "How are you?" and the right response is, "Thank you." Any other answer and immediate confusion would wash over the asker's face.

I have still yet to figure out the appropriate response to the Welsh, "Alright?" But, I am pretty sure the 'right' answer wouldn't be an honest answer about the state of my heart.

We do this all the time. ...it is just human, I guess. To pretend. To cover. To be appropriate.

And, I get "appropriate-time-and-place" theories and philosophy. I am attempting to teach my sweet, emotional daughter this very important concept. The when, where, with whom and how are important, of course. There are "the right" time and places, I know.

But, do we go too far? Shouldn't church, and other sisters and brothers, be included somewhere in this "time and place" continuum.

When I attempt to venture out and share more... well, maybe, much more... I often get some push-back and confusion. I get labeled as "odd" or "intense". And, then, I feel squashed in my ability or desire to keep sharing. Do you ever feel this way?

I was light-heatedly teased the other day for sharing about "a common cold" in my prayer newsletter. The comment was not mean; but, it did reveal.

Pray about everything, Paul says...

Okay. I am okay with that. That is good and right... but just don't share about everything?

I remember sharing upfront in a woman's retreat about my struggle with gluttony... The response... awkward!!!..... (we don't use THAT word in church!) Then, after, to push through the awkwardness was light-hearted mocking from a friend during our lunch together. Really? Is that your response to my hard, heart-sharing?

Hmmm...

Why do we do this to each other?

Vulnerability and honesty sound great in a sermon or written about in a book; but, when you attempt it in every day conversations... it just makes most people feel uncomfortable. Awkward!

So, why did I answer over-and-over last week at church, "Great!" and "Doing well, thank you" to that age-old question. I was just being appropriate.

But, was I being honest?

My sister asked me last week, How are you? ... and my answer? To this sweet-one, who loves me and wants to know me, ... I answered, "I am tired. I am in pain. And, I am afraid."

I am afraid. That is how I was last week. Not, "great!" Not "doing well". I wasn't fine, thank you. I was agitated and irritable and afraid.

Last week I was able to share this with my sister. It was beautiful and powerful that she heard me, took it in, and prayed. ...and she prayed.

When she asked me yesterday, "how are you? How is the fear-thing?", I could honestly answer, "I am not afraid anymore!" And we rejoiced together.

He answered. My prayers. ...and hers.

He answered.

And, it opened up for both of us an opportunity to rejoice in His deliverance. We joined together last week and again yesterday... simply because I was willing to share and she was willing to handle my honesty.

Vulnerably and honesty are hard; but they are good, really good--- both in a sermon and in real life.

Puppy craziness

We got a new puppy. Yes, she is adorable and yes, my children are loving her... but, oh man!, I am about ready to tear my hair out! It is a good thing they are so cute, or she would have been seriously sold away on ebay to the highest bidder!

Seriously, though, in my frustration this morning as she yelped her way through my entire "quiet" time with the Lord, I cried out to my Father in agitation, "I don't see you Father! I don't see you in this puppy! What am I to learn here?!"

I am finding more and more that when I ask... and when I leave time to listen, ...He answers. Sometimes His answers are silence, yes... but not today. Loud and clear into my depths I knew the answer. Steph, this is about your heart. My heart needs a little work. Shocking, I know?! More heart work, Steph?! Yep and so it continues!

I knew I was upset by this little pup ...and more upset than need be. Always a good sign for a heart issue in my life... when the reaction far exceeds the problem. My reaction to this little sweet puppy's loud, yapping-antics far outstripped the necessary and normal frustration. I was mad. What is the word they use here--- manic. I was manic. What was up with this extreme response from my heart?! But, I knew the minute I asked the Lord...

The last year we spent in Turkey was a very difficult year for me. We had a neighbor directly below us (in an apartment) that truly and sincerely hated us. She made much effort and went to length to show us this during that last year. The anger she felt was really unexplainable... but she blamed it on our noise. We were apparently the noisiest folks she had ever come into contact with. Our family noise was a daily thorn for her. It was very difficult to live in this little apartment always afraid of being too noisy, constantly "shushing" our kids, and trying with all our might to make her like us. It never worked. There was simply nothing we could do (and we tried everything we could think of) to make her like us. She just was determined to dislike our family and to make that clear in many ways. So, all that said... my husband and I joke now that we experience a bit of "post traumatic stress syndrome" when it comes to noise and neighbors.

So, well... puppies are not exactly quiet! And yelping in the night and yelping in the early morning hours have brought a fair amount of angst in my heart. When I asked the Lord where He was and what He wanted to teach me in this "puppy" circumstance... the answer was clear. He put His finger on my heart and whispered, "fear of man".

Simply put, I was afraid of what the neighbors would think of me.

You see, I care entirely too much about what others think of me. I have always cared entirely too much about this and it has been a hindrance in my relationship with Him from the beginning.

I have sought another's esteem, rather than seeking His favor over me first. I have felt 'wrong' somewhere deep within when someone is angry at me, rather than believing His thoughts aboutme. Rather than walking in my Christ-secured identity, I have sought my "okay-ness" from others. This is not a new struggle... this is, by definition, a Stephanie-problem that has been around for a very long time. But, that has been changing. God's finger has been on it for a while now--- like a pressure point, He keeps pushing and poking.

Years of prayer and working on this issue and I feel ready (again) to lay it down. As I write this, the verse for today that pops into my inbox (no joke--it really is the verse for today and I just stumbled upon it in my inbox!) is Col 3:23 "Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for man". Hmmm... think my Father has a message for me today?!

So, raising a puppy... does this count as "whatever you do?!" Can I listen to puppy yap and cry and not worry about bothering the neighbors? I believe that is what God is calling me to do--- as silly as it seems. Sometimes I feel silly bringing such small things to the Lord... I mean we are talking about a dog here, right?! And, then I read this afternoon in Job 39--- Do you know when the young mountain goat gives birth? God sees all things. His eye is on even the smallest, insignificant mountain goat giving birth. I feel confident that He is able to care, willing to care, about my puppy and me.

I believe He wants me to hand Him everything, again. I believe He wants me to release (again!) my reputation, my security, my everything to Him. I believe He wants me to live my life freely in Him, His thoughts of me, and in His call on my life. I believe He wants me to live in freedom. He wants me to live as unto Him.

So, Father I give you this sweet puppy. I give you the night time crying and the early morning yapping. I give you my neighbors and my relationship with them. ...all these things are yours! Even my "quiet" time is Yours! Father I release and surrender to your kind, big, powerful and loving hand.

What if I really stopped...

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I can't imagine my life without worry. What if I really stopped worrying, planning, scheduling and calculating? What would life be like if I truly lived as one anxious for nothing? What if I casted all cares immediately on a heavenly Father that cares deeply for me?

It is interesting... because if I am honest, I think I would feel empty. Empty and without definition, maybe. Does worry and fear fill a need, almost like a harmful friendship or addiction? Maybe. Why does it feel a bit like dying to give up!? It has been "me" for so long that I can't imagine me without it.

What if I really stopped worrying and handed all my cares, all day long, over to a trustworthy Father? I can't imagine it. I believe it is possible. I believe that I can grow and that God can do this work in me. But, it takes surrender on my part. It does take a dying of self. It takes handing over to Him this comfy way of life that I have always lived--- one of planning, striving, manipulating and worrying. Can I really be that different? And what would Stephanie look like without fear, worry or concern? I can't imagine.

Struck only moments ago by this offer from my Lord... Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

No need for trouble. No need for worry. No need for fear, Stephanie. I give you peace, He says. This is what I have for you, He whispers. Why don't you take my gift, He says with kindness in His voice. It is offered in love and with grace.

What if I really stopped?

I remember asking myself a similar question years ago... What if I really began to believe that God loves me? I mean, what if I REALLY believed it? What if I walked around and knew in my gut that God loved ME? At that time in my life I couldn't have imagined it. I was truly afraid of the thought, ...although that may sound crazy. I remember being unable to grasp a picture of Stephanie loved. And, now I know. Well, at least I am beginning to know it more and more. I do really believe that God loves me. I am loved, lovable and deeply adored by a good, kind Father. This is special. This is unique and new.

So, now for the new question... can I trust this Lover? Can I truly offer all things to Him and entrust it all, without thought, into His good hands? Can I cast it off me and onto Him in an instant. Can I not worry and give it away to this loving One?

What if I really stopped? ...

Little much afraid

For so long I have asked the Lord to "wait well". I am not a patient person by nature. Part of God's school for me these last few months has been lessons in patience and waiting, through His strength. The journey has been up and down... one of faithful, soul-expanding steps forward, doubt-filled moments and even some good ol' pity parties.

Now, we are moving ahead again, actually able to start planning for a real departure and I am experiencing new ups and downs. Excitement. Up. Fear. Down. Worry. Down. Anticipation. Up. Relief. Up. Exhaustion. Down. Up and down. I am so thankful that I serve, follow and am loved by a stable, rock, steadfast God!

I realized yesterday that when I look ahead at our future and am aware of my heart, I am afraid. I fear the unknown. I fear being uncomfortable and new. I am afraid of new relationships and the hiccups that come with new relationships. I am afraid of failure. I am afraid of unhappiness. I am afraid of the unknown and the known. These are not new fears. I have moved overseas a few times now, have made new friends a bazillion times, and have started with new job roles and new teams. You would think I was used to it all. I am not. I am much afraid. But fear never has to have the last word. True love casts out all fear.

Do not fear, He whispers.
I know, He says.
I am with you, He says. I've been uncomfortable, unhappy and "new", as well. I know you and I know what is ahead. Do not fear, I am with you.

His kind, whispers are good for my soul. He whispers and I remember. I remember Him. I remember all He has done before... all He has given me. The fear is softened. The "much" fear is lessened, even extinguished, with the knowledge of Him, His presence, His strength.

I believe, Lord, help me with my unbelief. May I walk in your true love, may I walk in Your strength alone. May I know your presence.