What is Your Kryptonite?

My kryptonite is "making mistakes" or "doing it wrong"*.

I know, to some personalities, this sounds absurd...  "We all make mistakes", you might say.  All the time everyone makes mistakes, right?  But, for me, even the smallest of mistakes can bring a shame storm of hurricane proportions which ravages my soul.

Other personalities have other kryptonite... for some its vulnerability or powerlessness.  For others, their weak spot is being misunderstood, or a broken relationship, or conflict.  My kryptonite is doing it wrong.

Like Superman, the moment I become aware of my misstep, my soul begins to writhe in pain and I struggle for strength or breath.   Like a green death rock, the mistake is chained around my neck and I can hardly think straight.  I know this sounds overly dramatic.  ...but, it really isn't.  Do you know that feeling of shame?  The hot pouring shame that makes you shake inside and out... call it embarrassment, call it guilt, call it anger (it looks so many shades of green).  Shame seems to take over, ransacking the limbic system of our brain and shutting down the prefrontal cortex that helps us to think rightly!

Whatever your kryptonite is... whatever triggers the shame for you, we all know that hot, breathless place where we either want to fight, freeze or fly away.  In the midst, you just want to disappear... "crawl into bed and pull the covers over my head... go to sleep and never wake up" (exactly how I used to describe it as a teenager).

Well, yes... I do make mistakes all the time... just like everyone else!  And recently, to add insult to injury, I have been making a lot of mistakes.  I mean, a lot.  From small, "nothing" mistakes... to pretty big, significant mistakes... I have been tripping over my own two feet for a few weeks now.

The last mistake was five keys off the right note--- singing in front of a group of people at our town's Open Mic night (another effort in my life to be brave and have fun).  We had planned the song in one key... but, printed the song sheets in a totally (5 key different!) key.  Hmmm...  Yeah, it didn't go so well, as you can imagine.

After sitting down, I could feel the hot shame-filled bucket pour over my head.  I began to shake.  Anger.  Tears welling.  I wanted to disappear... run away, hide under that table.  All I could think was "Never again!!"  Never. Never. Again.  I won't put myself in this position again.  THIS is what brave brings! Never!

The storm lasted in and out through the whole evening, following me into my restless sleeping.  Tossing in the night, I would awake and literally put my hands over my face--- hiding from whom exactly?!?  Myself.  God?    Tossing and turning, I would groan.

I do understand that for some of you reading this, you may think it a bit odd...  why would the wrong note sung in a song bring such pain?  But, weren't we all a bit confused and watched in disbelief when Lex Luthor would chain up Superman with a green rock!  What?  Come on, Superman, it's just a glowing green rock!

Remember, mistakes are my kryptonite.

In the midst of it all, and through the whole night, here and there I also became aware of a still, very small voice that whispered an invitation.  I remember barely hearing its faint words... and almost completely ignoring it... just as I sat down.  After the song finished and I sat---right as the bucket of shame splashed around me at the table when I sat down, I heard it.  It was so quiet.  Almost in the distance...

A still small whisper...  There is another way.  

Stephanie, there is another way.

As I have been prayerfully processing my weeks of wrongs and my discomfort, I have been asking Father about this other way.  Is it another way to sit in or feel shame?  Is it another way to respond entirely to mistakes or doing wrong?  What is the other way, Lord?  

I am certain the answer isn't that I won't have kryptonite----or any weakness.  (Although that would be fabulous!)  For, I know, in my weakness, He is strong!  So, nope... perfection isn't an option.  (Dang it!)

Now, I am asking God to continue to show me the other way of reacting or a new way of seeing Mr. Luthor... What is the other way, Lord, while the kryptonite is being chained around my neck? 

Just for fun... have a gander at the clip of old---bring back childhood memories:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OkSaAhbceBk



*For those who know the Enneagram tool, I am a One.  

Comfort Food

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I am a hungry girl.

And, I love my comfort food.  Coffee.  Cakes.  Chips and Chocolate.  You?

I hunger for love and attention.  I hunger to be known.  I hunger for peace and quiet.  And, I hunger for rest.

The ways I have tried (and do try) to feed that hunger are wide ranging and numerous.  My "comfort foods" of choice vary in taste and color...  I attempt to use sleep and television.  I use people and reading good books.  I have also been known to plan and organize, to clean and order life.  I can use (and abuse) chocolate and peanut-butter.  Coffee.  Cakes and Chips.  What do you use?

The hunger in me to be at peace or to be known, heard and filled can be intense at times.  Like a craving that rises up from my gut.  It cries out and needs feeding.

Two days ago I opened God's word to Psalm 93 and read the first line.  "The Lord reigns" (Psalm 93:1).  Upon reading those words, in an instant, my hunger ceased.  In that moment, I sat with the words, trying to take them in.  Mulling, meditating, bathing in the truth of those words.

The Lord reigns. 

The Lord reigns.  

His Word---the Truth of who He is--- a meal for my hungry heart.

Yesterday, I opened the same Psalm.  I read the second line.  "...the Lord is robed in majesty and armed with strength; indeed, the world is established, firm and secure." (Psalm 93:1)

Better than chocolate.  Better than coffee...  better than a good night's sleep or a well ordered cupboard---my heart felt rest.  Even better than the best of friends.

As I mulled and sat with those words---whispering them under my breath.

The Lord is robed in majesty. 

Robed.  Majestic. 

The Lord is armed with strength.

Strong.  

The world is firm and secure.  

Ah, the comfort.  Ah the quiet that Scripture brings my heart.  This all knowing, reigning, strong God knows, sees and fills me.

The comfort food of God's Word never ceases to amaze me.  This hungry girl comes---even for just one short moment---and she is fed.

"I will be fully satisfied as with the richest of foods; 

with singing lips my mouth will praise you." (Psalm 63:5)  

A Sheep with Claws??

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It is a funny or odd picture, I will admit.  But, God used it none-the-less.

A little white lamb with sharp, long fangs pointing out from it's mouth.  In place of hooves, it had claws like an eagle.   A strange image, to be sure.  A "fangy" sheep?  But, this is the picture I saw in my head when I ask the Lord about my worry.

When I asked Him what He thought about my worry... what was His Truth about the state of my heart, I saw this picture in my mind's eye.

A sheep with fangs...  ugly, grotesque and malformed...  a lamb with claws.  Not as it should be.  Something is definitely not right here.

I knew when I saw this picture in my mind's eye that God's Spirit was saying something profound to my spirit.   This is what you look like when you don't trust me and you try to take care of yourself with worry.  

Humans aren't born with armor.  We don't have fangs and we don't have claws.  We are soft and vulnerable.   When we go to war we must create armor.  When we are hurt we also must, and do, create armor to protect.  When we want to attack with strength, we have to have made a weapon.  Our fists are the best we have.  That is it.  We aren't made to protect ourselves or to attack others.  Protection is what God does for us... if we let Him.

But, we don't.  Or, I should say, I don't.  I try to protect myself and have since before I can remember.  I protect myself from this pain or that pain.  Psychologists call these "protections" our "coping mechanisms".  Worry, fear, overeating, pleasure, escape, planning, "doing", cleaning, self righteousness, judgment and analysis... all mechanisms to help us cope---to help me cope.

Some coping mechanisms are more destructive than others, certainly.  And, some are temporary gifts of survival;  but, all mechanisms--- in the end--- if solely relied upon can become our god.    They become places we go.  They become the avenue for our okay-ness, our rest, our care, and our security.  They tend and "care" for us---usually quite poorly, I might add.  They can become our shepherd.

God reminded me of this picture today.  When I came to Him again, today, with my worry, He reminded me that it isn't my job to protect myself or to protect others.  He is my good, kind, loving Shepherd.  I can trust Him and His protection.  "I myself will tend my sheep, says the Sovereign Lord" (Ezekiel 34:15)  

In fact, when I run to these others things--- when I try to protect myself---I just look (and act) like a scared little white lamb with fangs and claws.  Something is not quite right here.


"Find rest, O my soul, in God alone!"  Psalm 62:5-8

Where exhaustion can take me...

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There is a powerful urge that I feel sometimes... a voracious appetite.  Do you ever feel it?

In recent years, I have become more aware.  Rather than just following it without thought, I am finally becoming more conscious of this drive, this hunger.  I catch and  "see" the signs.  And, I am starting to see what triggers the feeling.  

The hunger?  Simply put, I just want to eat.  And, then I want to eat more.  Something a little sweet.  Something a little salty.  Now, I want something more that is sweet... and on it goes. The desire is strong.  The pull can be intense.  I can go (mentally or actually) scrounging through the kitchen and find myself something tasty to bring relief to the "hunger" within.

Am I the only one?

My husband assures me that I am not alone in my hunger---although his voracious "eating" doesn't include food.  He is driven or pulled toward media, he explains.  He just wants to watch, or to research, or to read random news articles.  But, he too is aware of the drive and the intense pull.  We aren't alone in this drive to numb, to relax, to calm, to get-back-to-equilibrium.  We just crave different things to fill the hunger...

What do you crave?  

I do know my triggers...  at least in part.  I have written before of my tired temptations.  For instance, I know that when I am exhausted---physically, emotionally or spiritually---I can find the lure-to-numb really inviting!  I am still not quite sure where I learned this pattern---when did I learn to go to food to feed the emptiness that exhaustion can bring?  But certainly, when I am tired... I want to eat.  And, I want to numb.  The question I have been asking is why?  and when?  

Does the food actually give me a burst of energy?  Maybe.  Or, does it give me comfort?  Maybe even a bit.  ...a learned comfort, at least.  But, does it give me what I really need in those tired moments?    Most definitely not.  The interesting thing is that my drive to food is never satisfied and if I indulge the cravings... I am never satisfied.  I never find rest, peace or equilibrium when I eat to fill that void. In fact, quite the opposite happens!  Filling this "hunger" with unnecessary food often produces a cycle of frustration, annoyance and irritation with myself.  

What do I truly need in these moments??   I need rest.  ... rest.  I need rest and peace and equilibrium.  I need Jesus.  

The very Person of Jesus is the obvious answer to my true needs.  His Presence offers me rest.  "Come to Me, all you who are weary...and I will give you rest", He says. "The peace I give is from Me...not like the world's peace", he invites me in.  He is my manna, the Bread of Life that will nourish.  In Him I can find filling and satisfaction.  In Him I have found fullness!  

This powerful urge within... may it draw me into You, Lord Jesus.  May I receive from You all I need!!  Change the "natural" and automatic response within me to run to food and other things... may I learn to run to You and find my rest in You alone.  

Where (or to who... or to what) do you go when you are tired or exhausted?  

Lessons from a Stupid Movie

I watched a silly, stupid movie last night.

After a full day, I decided to watch a free, streaming-online movie. I really wanted to find a clean movie that was mild in any moral offensiveness. So, I searched a bit, found one that was promising, and checked the content on one of my favorite sites for movie content (Spotlight on Entertainment). I did find a film to watch that was quite mild. ...and also very stupid.

So, no, ...this is not a movie I would recommend (for it's sheer silliness and bad writing). But, that said, I believe God has used it today in my life. He does show up in the most unlikely of places, doesn't He?!

Okay, the movie was called "Confessions of a Shopaholic". In short, this young woman has a shopping addiction. Her addiction is dealt with in light-hearted, humorous way, to be sure, and the silliness of the movie is an attempt (I think) at satire. But, essentially, the audience watches as this woman ruins her life and all she loves in submission and bondage to this "mild" addiction. She has a lust and devotion to shopping, to "new" things, beautiful things, and "name brands". And, it tears her and her life apart little-by-little.

Toward the end of the movie, the man she loves asks her to tell him, "Why" she shops likes she does. He wants to hear her heart. He wants to understand. She pauses and answers something like, "...I shop because it makes me happy. I am happy for one very real moment. And, then ...well, then, I am not happy anymore. And, .... (pause for effect) then I have to shop again."

And, then I have to shop again. Profound, really. Maybe even a bit redemptive when looking at this badly made film! In this statement she sums up the pull and tug of the world and it's "offerings" to the human race. And, thus the beauty of the message of this stupid movie.

And, today, her answer rings true in my heart.

Just fill in the blank, Stephanie.

I _____ because it makes me happy. Even for just a moment, I feel happy. And, then I have to _____ again to be happy again.

What is it... shop, sleep, eat, read, watch, play, listen, drink, talk with, ... ?

Everyone has their escape, their addictions... surely some more "mild" than others. These "places" we go can be immoral, amoral, or even "good places". But, all these addictions, or devotions of heart, just "help" for a moment. ...I suppose even long moments, for some. But certainly they don't bring complete or lasting happiness. And, we have to have more (do more, eat more, get more, watch more) to get "more" happiness. ...like a drug.

I am not advocating the law, nor the ending of all shopping, eating, reading, sleeping, watching or playing. That is ludicrous. No, I am just wondering after my own heart.

I am wondering about

what I run to first...

what I devote my time to...

from where I gain my peace...

where I search out happy feelings...

or, where I go to find rest...

What is it that God offers us? What is it that He offers in Himself that is uniquely different than these other "places"?

...a stream of ever-flowing, living water. ...

...faithful love that endures forever. ...

...guarding, reigning peace. ...

...complete and fullness of joy. ...

Very, very different than my escapes, my other loves, and my other devotions!

From this silly movie, I am reminded to seek Him first. I am reminded that it is only He that satisfies all the longings in my heart, my mind and my body.

Only Him. Him alone. His girl alone.

Just more.

"Mommy, why are you always on the computer?" my sweet son said to me one day last week. Ouch!

Immediately, I felt a mixture of defensiveness and guilt... a strange mix, isn't it?

My heart cried out, Ugh!! I am NOT on the computer all the time! Did he not just watch me clean the kitchen, make him lunch, and correct his math work?? But, then again...well, ....okay, I am on the computer a lot. And, his world is very small. And, yet, his comment did hit a tender spot.

To be fair, and in my defense (smile), my computer is a multi-faceted tool. It is my dictionary, my newspaper, my shopping mall, my atlas, my cookbook, my telephone, my mailbox, my library, and even my bible at times. I know I am not alone in this. And, thus, why I am "on the computer a lot". So, I have a clear and justifiable reason to be on the computer much of the time. Right?

So, why the guilt with his question? I suppose if I am honest, I had already felt the touch of Father's hand on this place in my life. These little words from my sweet boy were only a reminder of what God had been recently pressing on. Finally, earlier this week I read a wonderful series of blog posts which "sealed the deal" for a God-theme that could not be ignored.

My computer is a tool, yes. But, my computer can also be a place of entertainment... maybe escape... possibly a refuge, a safe place or even an idol. Is "idol" too strong of a word? I don't know exactly. But, I do know that I have felt God prodding this area and asking me this question for a while now.

It isn't that blogging, facebook, email and the like are all bad in my life-- or in any way a full blown sin issue. In fact, they have all been a deep blessing. But, well... to quote Sabrina in the 1995 remake of the classic film, "Sometimes more is not better. It is just more." ...Sometimes too much of a good thing is just too much.

So, why do I go to facebook "too much" or check my email "just once more before I head to bed". ...or why do I check again (and again) on that one blog I love. What am I doing here?

I am entertaining myself, I suppose, like someone who sits and just automatically flips on the television. I don't do the television. I do this with the computer instead! Similar to the non-thinking act of eating too many chips, I am escaping into a "non-thinking" environment. I am reading about the lives of others... Escaping a bit.

...Or, am I also looking for connection? I think I am seeking connection in these things. Maybe I can feel close to this person or that person... Connection. Refuge and a safe place. ...

But all these things are happening on a computer screen in my house, surrounded by living-breathing (and quite entertaining), real, connected human beings. And, instead of interacting with them, I choose time-and-time-again to sit and stare at this light filled box... relaxing, resting, and escaping into my email, my facebook and my blogs.

So, I won't be sitting at my computer too much in the coming days. I have talked long and hard with the Father about this and have come up with a plan... how much time would be appropriate, Lord? How often, Father, do I need to really check email and facebook? How often do I need to read blogs?... With my Lord's help, I think, I have worked out a measure, a plan, and a goal. Now, I have boundaries to walk in and within which I can enjoy the freedom of reading a good blog, or checking my facebook page.

I do want to say, though, that the clear boundaries have made my week strangely difficult. It is hard to break a habit... and sitting quickly to check email, "one more time", had become a regular habit. But, in this simple, mild struggle... and obedience, I have truly found freedom, joy and peace. It feels similar to the beauty I find in fasting from from food. It is good to push myself sometimes---

I am sure my son may still ask me that same question... because frankly, as I sit here, (after purposefully NOT sitting at my computer much at all this week...), he is anxious for my attention and is possibly wondering the very same question. But, now before the Lord, I know I have not spent too much time on the computer this week. And, therefore, I can smile at him and say, "Silly boy, Mommy can have these 20 minutes on the computer and then we can play a game of cards, okay?"

No defensiveness. No guilt. God's kind and clear direction and my surrender has allowed freedom today.

Father, keep working on my heart. Please, sweet Father, keep showing me, molding me, changing me, challenging me, and making me more about You. I love your direction. I love your discipline. I want to learn to let you in on all, and every aspect of my life!

"We generally make our worst mistakes in matters which appear to us to be so plain that we think we do not need direction from God concerning them." - Charles Spurgeon

Ditch Days

He was tired and afraid. He was discouraged and ready to "be done" with the work. Elijah was a man just like us, James tells us (James 5:17). In 1 Kings 19, we see this man-Elijah very clearly portrayed. He was having a "ditch-day", as we call it in our home. Elijah was ready to ditch it and be done.

I feel that way sometimes, too.

There are days when I am so done with ministry and life. Not that I am ready to die--- I'm not. It isn't a place where I don't want to live anymore... not at all. It is just a place where I want to live VERY differently. You know, the place where I don't have to clean my house ever again--- someone else does that for me! Or, it is when I am ready to stay in my pajama's all day, watch movies or sleep, and eat candy non-stop. Or, I am ready to NEVER write another email again, or talk deeply with another soul. I am ready to throw my computer out the window. Or, it is those days that I am ready to move to the mountains of Montana, buy a cabin, and just sit ...and rock... and rock on the porch day-in and day-out. There are days when I feel fully "done" with all responsibilities, all cares, or even all God-given ministry.

I think this is the place that Elijah found himself in I Kings 19. Elijah was a man just like us.

He runs away. He escapes. In our home, we call these "ditch days" and we laugh (and sometimes share openly) about our "escape plans". Some people have escape plans that include an island in Greece. For others it is the little house in a provincial town in the Bible belt. Whatever it may look like, it seems that most people in full time God-work have an escape plan.

The beauty of our good, kind and compassionate (slow to anger) Father is that He knows this about us. Who is like Him? Almighty, All powerful and, yet, so full of love. His mercies are new every morning! His love pursues us, follows us... runs after us as we escape (or even just "plan" to escape).

Almighty God ran after Elijah. Elijah runs, collapses and falls asleep... and God is right there with Him. Elijah wakes up from his place of exhaustion and is fed by the hand of God. It says angels put bread right next to him. Amazing. God knows Elijah needs food. Our Father knows. And, then Elijah collapses in exhaustion again. At each point along Elijah's "ditch day" journey, God is pursuing Elijah. Feeding him, letting him sleep, protecting him and then talking to him.

Why are you here, Elijah? It is as if God just wants to hear Elijah's heart. Tell me, Elijah, tell me what is in your heart... why are you running? Why are you here? Father gently probes, pokes and inquires. No judgement. No condemnation. In fact, just a simple question and a simple piece of bread. Elijah answers God's question twice... the same way--- I have worked and worked, God and NOW I am all alone!

At the end of this "ditch-day", God gives Elijah two amazing gifts. First, God takes Elijah to a place... a quiet place, where the Father reveals Himself. He shows up! God, Himself, pulls back the veil just a bit and whispers His very real Presence. What a gift! This, in and of itself, is enough to propel Elijah to move on, to keep going and to pick up the responsibilities again. But, God is not done pouring out His compassionate love! God then gives Elijah a friend, a comrade-in-arms, a co-worker to carry the load. Father gives him Elisha. Both help and hope are given in this new friend. Help in the now and hope that the work will go on. God tells Elijah with His very Presence that He is not alone. And, then, to top it off, Father God gives Elijah a co-worker. You are NOT alone, Elijah!

Ditch days are real and inevitable. But, in God we find mercy, compassion and love. He pursues us and gives sleep, food, a quiet place, His Presence, His Voice and friends... co-laborers.

Thank you, Father for Your amazing, unfailing love.

Disposition to Infidelity

I have been convicted recently of running to my "escape routes" again instead of running to God first. Why is this so natural? Each and every time I am sorry I didn't sit at Jesus' feet for a while... instead of that movie I watched... or instead of the Internet surfing.

And, yet, time and time again, I go to other things first. I am not talking law here. I know full well that neither the movie, nor the Internet are sin. But, I also know my heart. I know the whisper of God's call, "Come. Sit" that went unheeded as I chose to continue to read or play or eat or watch. I know my heart. Well, I actually I should say, I have been getting better acquainted with my heart.

In the sermon today, the preacher talked about our tendency toward "Entertainment rather than fulfillment". He asked, "How often to we seek entertainment instead of doing that which we know will truly fulfill us?"

Yes!, my heart said. This is what I do. I run to entertainment or recreation... rather than run to that which will truly satisfy, (or more accurately He who will truly satisfy) I forget that it is He who will truly re-create my mind. Real recreation.

I was reading this evening and again this theme was before my eyes... do ya think God is trying to tell me something!? Thomas Merton says,

"When we return to a frank and undisguised self-awareness, we confront ourselves as naked, insufficient, disgruntled and malicious beings. We see our stubborn attachment to ourselves and our disposition to infidelity. Even without acts of sin, we have in ourselves an inclination to sin and rebellion, an inclination to falsity and to evasion." I have felt this inclination to sin so strongly as of late. I have experienced the insufficiency in my own "will", "ability" and "intentions".

I have an inclination to falsity and to evasion.

Now the beauty of all this is that the story does not have to end there! On one end there is nakedness, insufficiency and disgruntled-ness... on the other end is an opportunity to walk as one clothed in Christ (Gal. 3:27). We have the option of resting in the All-Sufficient One and the privilege to be content in Him alone.

As Merton ends this very chapter he writes,

"We find ourselves lost and liberated in the infinite fullness of God's love. We escape from [sin] into the infinite space and freedom of grace and mercy."

From a disposition to infidelity to being lost and liberated in Love. From nakedness and insufficiency to the freedom of grace and spacious mercy! Amazing.

Escape Route

Sometimes I just feel like escaping.

I used to describe this feeling as wanting to "get into bed, pull the covers over my head and go to sleep for a very long time". I also use to describe this feeling as "getting on a bus and going to Chicago". (I truly have no idea why Chicago... but, Chicago it was!)

Now, I just call it what it is...escape. I want to run away. Run away from exhaustion. Run away from responsibilities. Run away from expectations and cares. I simply want to escape.

The feeling can creep up on me after a long, tiring day. Or the feeling can be "hanging around a lot lately" and become a bit of a new norm, depending on what I am facing. I have felt it creeping up these last few days. The feeling is here and now, the only real and important question that remains is to where do I escape!

My escape routes have varied through my life... some more damaging than others, to be sure! These days they are quite benign. Benign, that is, from an outside look.

I run to my husband. I run to cleaning and organizing craziness. I run to the television, a movie or a book. I run to a game on the computer. I run to the candy box or the Doritos bag.

But, these escapes are damaging my soul. I feel it. Of course, these places of escape are not sin in-and-of-themselves. Certainly my marriage, my television and the Doritos bag are not sin! It is when my heart worships them by escaping to them first, that they quickly become my sin of choice. They are my idols. From them I am seeking comfort, rest, and solace. To them I escape.

I know from experience that when I truly seek Him first, seek His kingdom and face first, seek His Presence and voice first...then and only then do I find true comfort, rest, and solace. I know from experience that He is truly the "one needful thing" (Luke 10).

So, why do I run to the others so quickly? Is it because they are easier? Is it because they "taste good" and are numbing? Is it because they are more natural to me, or trained in me? I don't know.

All I know is that the more I escape into the other things first, the more natural it becomes. It feels like "a must" to turn on a movie or go to the candy box... because recently that has been my first choice. I train myself to run to other things.

What I do know is that I want to learn to run to Him first.

I want to learn to sit at His feet and "choose the better" thing, as Mary did. He says to Martha that "this" sitting at His feet would not be taken from her. I want real comfort, real rest and real solace that will not be taken away... living water, lasting bread and wisdom from heaven. I know I can find this in seeking Him alone, ...first.

Teach me Holy Spirit to seek You first. Make me keenly aware when I am escaping to anything before I have escaped into You, my rock, my refuge, my strong tower.