Cycles of Control

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There are lessons of heart that seem to cycle in and out like the tide.

Haven't we been here before, Lord?

On this blog, I haven't been shy to share about my issue with control.  Find your way to the subject "control" on the right and you will get a slew of posts...

In and out goes the tide on this lesson of control.

Have I learned things?  Yep.  Have I moved forward?  Yep.  And, back again?  Yep.  Ebb and flow.

One thing I would "love" to control... or at least I think I do, on one level, ...is faith.

I want to control faith.

My faith.  Your faith.  His faith and her faith.

...and somewhere deep within I "believe" that it is my fault that you don't believe.  Or, he doesn't believe.  Or, it is my fault that she is not further along in her journey.  Where does this come from, Lord?  Why do I feel this way?  Show me truth, I ask, Father.  

I talked with God about this very subject, yet again!, a few days ago.   I asked and I listened.  And, I asked again.   Instead of answers, I just felt confusion.  No response.  No whisper.  I just had brain-fog.

Why do I feel it is my fault, Lord?  Please, show me Your Thoughts about my heart... about control.  

Nothing.

So, in the early morning hours, I donned my warm jack, mud-stained boots and scarf and decided to go on a walk.  Fresh air.  I just needed to breath fresh air into my muddled soul.

As I walked... was it even 10 paces?... I had a light-filled thought waft across my mind:  you, Stephanie, are not the author and perfecter of faith.    

I am not the author.  I am not the perfecter.  It is not my job!  I don't own faith, or give it, or create it, or grow it.  I am not the author and perfecter of faith!!

Okay, I know this doesn't seem too terribly profound to any of you readers... and certainly this wasn't "new" to me either; but, it was BIG.  With these words, came a God-filled ebb that crashed over my brain and enlighten the eyes of my heart!

With this thought came the sweet ebb of release and the agitation subsided.

Oh yeah!  Lord, I don't have to author faith in him.  Or, in her.  And, I don't have to perfect faith in me.  Or, them.  That is your job! 

Yes, Stephanie.  I am the Author and Perfecter of faith... not you.  And, yes, we have been here before, my sweet girl.  

I have a hangover

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"A vulnerability hangover" is what author and researcher, Brene' Brown calls it...

I have never been drunk.  So, I have never actually had a proper hangover; therefore, I can't say I know what one feels like.  But, I am guessing it isn't very comfortable!  I have heard a few stories and seen my share of instances.  So, I gather from the puking, purging and pounding-head that a hangover is never a positive things.

A vulnerability hangover isn't fun either.

Too much vulnerability... and you are destined for a sickening hangover!

Let's just say that each time I write a particularly vulnerable blog post---write something deep, hard, or ugly--- I experience the incredible urge to purge!

Within 2 hours of writing and "publishing" my post, I have this desire to go online and delete the post immediately.  Thoughts like:  "Too much", "too raw", "too weak"... pour over my mind.  If I resist the urge to "purge" the post, I then want to "purge" the blog...  "I just need to stop blogging".  "This is stupid".  "People don't want to read and hear this..."

And, if I resist the urge to delete my blog; then, the final 'hangover' symptom is to write a "nice" post.

There are nicer posts, right?  Posts that are true and right and encouraging.  I like those posts, too.  There are blog posts---still honest and real posts---about God's blessings, His gifts, His peace and His Word.  But, after I share one of my "I cried" or "I am in pain" posts--- I desperately want to get on quickly and write a "nice" post.  This last vulnerability-hangover-urge is an attempt to let you all know, "I am okay."  With a "nice" post, I assure you (and me) that "I am not in pain all the time".

I have resisted urge #1, and #2.  So, I am officially saying it now---without writing a "nice" post...

Readers, I am okay!

Did I need to say that?  I don't know.  But, the gut-wrenching urge within me was to communicate to you, my friends and readers, that I am not "the sick person", "the weak person", or "the messy person".  When the fact of the matter is... I am.

Why do I feel the deepest urge to write "I am okay... don't worry about me"?  Or, elsewhere--- other times in my life---why do I need to back away and tell you, "Please don't be bothered about me!"?

I am pretty sure it is because at some point in my life (probably more than one point!), I believed the lie that I am supposed to be perfect.  I am supposed to be "okay".  Not weak.  Not in-process.  Not a bother.  And, certainly, not messy.

Well, the truth is... I really am okay.  I am well.  And, happy.  And, at peace today.

But, it is also truth that I am a bit messy, too!!  Both.  And.

But, none-the-less, vulnerability and weakness are hard for me.   I talked to the Lord about this today--- can I just delete that post or this blog, Lord?  ... I felt prompted to keep on sharing, keep on posting, and keep on getting drunk on vulnerability.  Courage to share weakness is one cure to perfectionism!

And, so I "drink" the healthy carrot-orange-alka selzer juice concoction of this blog post to bring a little healing to my hangover!

That said, right about now I am feeling a bit over-vulnerable---tipsy, you might say----so give me about 4 hours and I will be sick with my vulnerability hangover from this post...

Open Handed Trust

photo source:  copyright Bob Emblem

An open hand communicates and implies trust.  Open hands suggest release, waiting, and anticipating.

It is the opposite of a clinched fist---a "stands with a fist" stance.

And, for me, it seems to often come back to trust.  Trust, again?  Time and time again, this seems to be the theme.  My theme.

Do you trust me now?  God Spirit sweetly whispers into my heart when I find myself in a tight spot.

Do you trust me with this?  or with that?  Do you trust me with him?  or with her?  He invites me to open my hands to Him, His love, His control, His goodness, His work.  He invites me to surrender.

He invites me to release those I love.  He invites me to love-deeply, yes, and to pray fervently, absolutely!  But, He wants me to lay them down and walk away.  He invites me to intercession which asks a Father for help and then ....trusts the fact that He indeed listened to my request.  He heard my heart.  He will do what is best.

To this place of rest, this childlike trust, is where He invites me again today.

My default mode, as I have shared many times, is to control or fix.  I want to make it right and manipulate. I want to be the author and the perfecter.  

There is a fight within me; a deep, seated fight that seems to speak old lies to my mind and heart... saying, 'if I do release or let-go, it won't get done or it will get out-of-control'.  Inside, I fear that if I release things, or situations or people then they will be left "unfixed!" and "imperfect".  As if...  As if!  it is my job to complete the work in them!  ...this "savior mentality" is not only ungodly, but very unhealthy and certainly unhelpful in building trust in my relationships.

Trust me, Stephanie.  Lay it down and trust me.  I am the Beginning and the End.  I own the cattle on one thousand hills.  I hand-placed the foundation of the earth.  I am the Author and the Perfecter of Your faith... of their faith.  Do you trust me now?  

This is the sweet invitation.  So, I release again today.  ...yes, again!

I say and confess, I open my hands, kind Father!  I let go.  I trust You Lord--- Maker of Heaven and Earth.  You own the seas and all that is in them.  You will make all things beautiful in Your time.  


It is amazing what freedom that is found in trust.  It is remarkable the beauty that can be found in simply opening your hand.

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What do you long for?

Equilibrium. Rest. Peace and quiet.

This, I think, is what I truly long for. As I have pondered the words of Jesus, What do you want?, and I have asked Him to reveal my hidden longings... this is what comes bubbling up from within.

What do I want, Jesus? I want to be at peace. I want rest and order. I want quiet and simplicity. I want equilibrium.

Is this a sinful longing? I don't think so. I am asking God this very question. And, I believe it is a God-given desire, actually,---a longing that He gives and that He can fill.

I wonder if many or most of our real, hidden longings... if we reach back and deep in... are the longings created in us by Him and for Him to answer.

What do you want, I wonder? What do you really long for?

Is your longing "connection"? Purpose. To feel special or adored? To serve. Or to receive? To be seen or to be happy?

...to be at rest, like me?

Like the shape of our noses, or the color of our eyes... our longings are all different--- and yet, the same.

And, our longings are a sometimes very mixed up, aren't they? Mine are.

Like a mixed ball of string, one thread of the longing is godly and right; while the other threads, are mixed motivation and flesh strategies... and sin... all mixed in. What is what?

"...our desire for equilibrium can become an idolatrous attempt to deny a large part of what life is all about... the Psalms robustly deal with life as it really is and find God in disorientation as well as in harmony. We need to comprehend that there is no place where God is not" ~Elizabeth Canham

When does my longing for rest become idolatry? When does your longing to be heard, to be noticed, to serve, or to be loved stop being about God-given desires and become a 'god' in-and-of-itself?

I think, at least in part, our longings get off-the-mark when we try to accomplish them ourselves. We try to get them, or do them, on our own. A mentor helped me think through this yesterday with the question, "How and when do I try to make it happen?" When am I trying to fulfill my longing.

What are my learned behaviors, strategies, and coping mechanisms that work hard to "get it"on my own? In my flesh I can try to make it happen... just in case God doesn't show up!

Just in case this God-given longing is not filled by God (somewhere deep within I still 'hedge my bets') I do this-n-that to make sure my longings are filled. Day in and day out, am I even this aware of my heart?

And, then when it doesn't work... which it never really does!!!... I then tend to drift into my escape or "self-medicating" acts and mechanisms--- that is where the over-eating, the over-watching, over-sleeping, over-worrying, or over-playing might happen. Then, I feel badly or shameful about this sinful behavior.

When actually, it was the four steps prior,--- the steps of thought, or more acceptable acts of flesh that are the deeper root of the problem: the four steps prior that didn't work and didn't bring fulfillment for my longings.

The idolatry of heart that didn't fulfill fails and so I might run to the other escapes.

Okay, so I want equilibrium and rest. So, my planning. My ordering. My organizing and cleaning. My list-making and my sorting-of my children (and attempt to sort-out and control my husband) are ways that I attempt to get this rest, to fulfill my longing.

These prior acts of behavior and thought can all be an attempt to make it happen ... all in the effort to get that rest, that peace-of-mind, that I am longing for...apart from God.

So, is the answer to stop those behaviors. Should I stop cleaning, organizing and planning? I don't think so. I don't think the answer is about not doing the laundry!

It is about the heart. It is about my heart... your heart.

My mentor asked me, "What are you leaning into?... what is it that you put your weight into?"

"When you feel a bit overwhelmed, or out-of-control, or tired... where is your heart running to?"

Running to.

Leaning into.

Resting in...

Equilibrium and rest. Peace and quiet. Only He can fulfill this deepest desire in my soul.

"Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him." Psalm 62:5

"This is what the Sovereign Lord says: In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength, but you would have none of it." Isaiah 30:15

Lay it down

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I was feeling out-of-sorts.  Heavy.  I was feeling raw and bugged. What is it, Lord? I whispered in that quiet moment of reflection. Why is my heart like this? What is going on, Lord? You know my heart better than I do... speak and show me, Lord?

A verse came to mind, ...but it felt personalized, ...and it stung. "You want to be the Author and Perfecter of your faith. You want to bring all things to completion". This is what I heard. This was the answer to my question of my Lord.

Ouch. Is that true, Father?

I didn't need His answer. I knew it was true.

I would like to be done. I would like to be perfect, yesterday! Finished. Complete. Holy. And, I am not. (Shocking, I know! smile) And, as I see it, I won't be anytime in the near future!

I know this may sound silly to some. This may seem like a no-brainer thought. This concept is a "duh!" for so many. But, for me it is a struggle. And, when I see my imperfection or weakness I feel angst. I can rock around in guilt or condemnation. I can make plans. Or rules. Or "self-help" strategies to help "bring it to completion". Or, I can put on a mask to cover the weakness and show forth "strength"or perfection. All these are strategies of my old nature--- my natural Stephanie-self. "Old man-strategies" as my friend calls it.

What I am realizing again today is that I need more surrender. Dependence. Release. I need to repent and receive. I need to sit down and surrender. I need to live in and by His Spirit... my new nature. I need, by His grace, to release all control and manipulation. And, I need to trust. I must plead with Father to fill me with His Spirit. He must teach me to lean into Him, trust His love, watch and wait for His work, and respond to His movements in my life.

Not an easy "to do" list, right? And, thus the problem!

I can't do it. Only He is the Author and Perfecter of my faith. Only He is the one who will bring me to completion and make all things new, and good. Him.

Essentially, I need Him. I need more of Him. Less of me and more of Him.

I wrote in my journal, "lay down you". And, then added later after more prayer about this, "Lay down you, so that you can be more of the real you in Him."

Teach me, Father. Teach me to lean into You, Jesus. Fill me, Holy Spirit and lead me into more of You, more Truth.

Our dependence upon God ought to be so entire and absolute that we should never think it necessary, in any kind of distress, to have recourse to human consolations.~Thomas Kempis

God's Solutions

I am a planner. I am a "solver" by nature. I organized and manipulate data. I figure it out and work it through. I think and I analyse. I make lists and check them off... and then make new lists when the old list gets too short.

I believe God has made me this way. I believe that part of His divine knitting was this very aspect of my personality and gifts. He made me a multi-tasker and a planner. And, I think He is pleased by this part of who I am ...

And, I also believe that this very gift-aspect of His creative hand gets in the way of my relationship with Him. ...almost daily. In this, I am certain He is sometimes displeased or, in the least, saddened.

When a problem comes my way, or even just as small obstacle, I very naturally decide how to overcome that problem. Again, I begin my list-making and planning. And, I do this time and time again without God. Entirely void of a simple pause to invite Him in, I go on with a knee-jerk reaction and take charge. Often, I act out of some false, deep belief that "I [you] shall be like god" (Genesis 3:5). I decide what is good and evil, take my course of action and go my own way. Essentially, I use my god-like creating abilities to make all things "right". ...right in my own eyes, that is.

Now, because my Father in Heaven is deeply loving and always faithful, He often rescues me or even blesses me even though, or "inspite of". And, this sweet grace is beyond perplexing to me! Often, He does allow my plans to be fruitful and my organizing (even without Him) to prosper.

And yet, ...and yet... I miss out on Him. I miss out on doing it with Him. I miss out on relationship! And, I also think I often miss His best... His solutions, His ways, His very best plan. And, in this, my plans are a just settling. When I forget Him, I settle for second best. I settle for action devoid power, plans devoid His wisdom and activity devoid relationship.

Recently, I have wanted this to change. I have really, deeply wanted it to be different. And, this year, I have attempted to stop the natural planning... and simply to ask God to "solve it".

In this I have asked God to help me to remember, to pause, and to ask for His solution. ...and even better yet, to just simply "solve it". And, He has!! He really has done this for me.

Simple things. Small things. Big things. Silly things ...I have seen Him solve them. I have stopped. Waited. Prayed. Hoped. And, I have asked for His solutions. "Father, You are going to have to solve this one!", has been my prayer. And, it has been sweet to watch Him work.

I certainly don't entirely "get it". I am far from daily practicing this surrendered-reliance on Him. And, I believe He still wants me to use my skills, my gifts, and my Hand-Created personality. But, I really believe my Father wants to do it all... all of life ... with me. He wants to do life, and all it's obstacles, together.

And, His solutions are just best. Better.

You should get into the habit of falling on your knees and spreading out your needs in front of God the moment you have an emergency or become frightened. Prayer is the very best medicine there is. It always works and never fails if you would just use it! - Martin Luther

Control is STILL an Issue...

I read her honest post and was immediately convicted. Interestingly enough, God had been prodding this area just this morning before reading the post. He has a funny way of doing that! What a personal Father we have!

I posted a while ago about being "a control freak". Well, although I can't say there hasn't been any progress... it is slow going! I do often attempt to control my life, probably more than I am even aware.
I can honestly say that often when I am manipulating my circumstances or people, it is motivated by love; but, does that make it okay? 
Is it okay that I "remind" (read: nag) my husband about this-or-that? (I love him and want his best, right?) 
Is right that I plan and list-make in effort to feel at peace somewhere deep in my soul. (I am a "better" mother when I am organized, right?) ...As if calendar juggling and plan making will bring order to my soul. It doesn't really. Or if it does it is way-short lived. 
Is it okay that I call this person or write that person in the effort to assure that they like me or think well of me? (Motivated by love for them? or for me?) I know it sounds crazy and ugly... but I do it.

There has been growth and for that I testify to God's victory in my life. I am so very grateful that it doesn't consume my life or my thoughts; but, certainly I am far from free. 
So, what is the solution? What would be different in my heart that might free me from this.
Why can I remind my husband with such confidence what he should be doing with his time? Isn't this God's job, not mine. Why do I feel that I can or should plan my life (or my next week) to the every hour? Doesn't God have the right to order my day and do with my time as He pleases. Why do I feel it my job to assure people "I am okay and likeable"? Where is my hope lying when I function in this mindset? ... and am I entrusting my "okayness" to God alone. See, again the problem lies with making myself, me, the center of my thoughts and the world around me. Thus the problem.
As I sit here and dialogue with the Father, I get a sense that freedom would look like taking my eyes off myself. 
"Lose your life"... and "Who is this that darkens my counsel with words without knowledge?" 
I am promted to "look out and up" and to keep my eyes fixed on Him. The thoughts from Father aren't harsh, they feel spoken as gentle reminders. It is not all about you, Steph, he says. (And the words bring peace!) 
The world is bigger, much bigger, than you. My kingdom is beyond your thoughts, opinions, plans or imagination. If I could heart-remember that the world does not revolve around me and my perceptions are hopelessly flawed, I think I would attempt to control less.

So, thank you my friend who posted yesterday. Thank you for your honesty, which propels me to question my heart, my thoughts and my actions.

Father, make me keenly aware of this issue in my life. Show it to me the minute it creeps up. Make me about You, Your glory alone, and Your kingdom. Invade me, Lord and turn my face toward you!

Puppy craziness

We got a new puppy. Yes, she is adorable and yes, my children are loving her... but, oh man!, I am about ready to tear my hair out! It is a good thing they are so cute, or she would have been seriously sold away on ebay to the highest bidder!

Seriously, though, in my frustration this morning as she yelped her way through my entire "quiet" time with the Lord, I cried out to my Father in agitation, "I don't see you Father! I don't see you in this puppy! What am I to learn here?!"

I am finding more and more that when I ask... and when I leave time to listen, ...He answers. Sometimes His answers are silence, yes... but not today. Loud and clear into my depths I knew the answer. Steph, this is about your heart. My heart needs a little work. Shocking, I know?! More heart work, Steph?! Yep and so it continues!

I knew I was upset by this little pup ...and more upset than need be. Always a good sign for a heart issue in my life... when the reaction far exceeds the problem. My reaction to this little sweet puppy's loud, yapping-antics far outstripped the necessary and normal frustration. I was mad. What is the word they use here--- manic. I was manic. What was up with this extreme response from my heart?! But, I knew the minute I asked the Lord...

The last year we spent in Turkey was a very difficult year for me. We had a neighbor directly below us (in an apartment) that truly and sincerely hated us. She made much effort and went to length to show us this during that last year. The anger she felt was really unexplainable... but she blamed it on our noise. We were apparently the noisiest folks she had ever come into contact with. Our family noise was a daily thorn for her. It was very difficult to live in this little apartment always afraid of being too noisy, constantly "shushing" our kids, and trying with all our might to make her like us. It never worked. There was simply nothing we could do (and we tried everything we could think of) to make her like us. She just was determined to dislike our family and to make that clear in many ways. So, all that said... my husband and I joke now that we experience a bit of "post traumatic stress syndrome" when it comes to noise and neighbors.

So, well... puppies are not exactly quiet! And yelping in the night and yelping in the early morning hours have brought a fair amount of angst in my heart. When I asked the Lord where He was and what He wanted to teach me in this "puppy" circumstance... the answer was clear. He put His finger on my heart and whispered, "fear of man".

Simply put, I was afraid of what the neighbors would think of me.

You see, I care entirely too much about what others think of me. I have always cared entirely too much about this and it has been a hindrance in my relationship with Him from the beginning.

I have sought another's esteem, rather than seeking His favor over me first. I have felt 'wrong' somewhere deep within when someone is angry at me, rather than believing His thoughts aboutme. Rather than walking in my Christ-secured identity, I have sought my "okay-ness" from others. This is not a new struggle... this is, by definition, a Stephanie-problem that has been around for a very long time. But, that has been changing. God's finger has been on it for a while now--- like a pressure point, He keeps pushing and poking.

Years of prayer and working on this issue and I feel ready (again) to lay it down. As I write this, the verse for today that pops into my inbox (no joke--it really is the verse for today and I just stumbled upon it in my inbox!) is Col 3:23 "Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for man". Hmmm... think my Father has a message for me today?!

So, raising a puppy... does this count as "whatever you do?!" Can I listen to puppy yap and cry and not worry about bothering the neighbors? I believe that is what God is calling me to do--- as silly as it seems. Sometimes I feel silly bringing such small things to the Lord... I mean we are talking about a dog here, right?! And, then I read this afternoon in Job 39--- Do you know when the young mountain goat gives birth? God sees all things. His eye is on even the smallest, insignificant mountain goat giving birth. I feel confident that He is able to care, willing to care, about my puppy and me.

I believe He wants me to hand Him everything, again. I believe He wants me to release (again!) my reputation, my security, my everything to Him. I believe He wants me to live my life freely in Him, His thoughts of me, and in His call on my life. I believe He wants me to live in freedom. He wants me to live as unto Him.

So, Father I give you this sweet puppy. I give you the night time crying and the early morning yapping. I give you my neighbors and my relationship with them. ...all these things are yours! Even my "quiet" time is Yours! Father I release and surrender to your kind, big, powerful and loving hand.

Journey of a Control Freak

I am such a control freak. Seriously, though. I am.

Most of the time I am sly in my controlling behaviors. Once in a while I am an out-and-out, in your face, control freak.

Yesterday, the out-and-out control freak girl reared her ugly head! Yesterday I was determined to control our departure date and all the details that surround it. In this pursuit, I was instantly angry with anyone who got "in my way". Of course, the most natural "someone" in this circumstance is my husband and I was angry at him.

The whole day I felt the tug of conviction. From my good, kind Heavenly Father, I felt the pull of "come, sit with me..." and yet... I basically ignored it.

I planned. I schemed. I researched. I plotted. ...This scenario and that scenario.

This was all done in the guise (or is there a bit of pure motive here?) of making all things work together for the good of those I love. Oh, but my heart was in control! I was going to figure it out. I was going to come up with the best plan possible.

And then, my husband crossed me. How dare he disagree with my grand, divine and perfect plans?! He dared to ask me if he could have a bit of a "say" in our decisions. How dare him! And, so I got angry. A knee jerk, internal, intense angry. At that point I wasn't really aware of what was going on in my heart. I wasn't aware that I was holding tightly. I wasn't aware that I was determined to control our destiny. I just simply thought he was wrong.

Then came the still small voice whispering into my heart, my soul, my mind... "surrender", it said. "Submit", it hearkened. "Stop. Be still and know that I am God".

I heard it, finally. I had to stop. I had to listen to this sweet call from my Father. I actually bowed my head and told Him He was God and that He was in control, not me. I opened my hands, literally, and "gave" to Him all my plans, all my dates, my schemes and my good things.

Instantly I knew His peace again.

I knew He was good... somewhere deep, far and wide in my soul I knew that He was big. I knew He was loving and that He would work all things together for my good, one whom He loves dearly. I found peace once again. Release. Faith. Hope. Peace.

And, then, of course, came sincere repentance and an apology to my husband. As always, he forgave me. Amazing, really. Quick, ready and love-filled forgiveness. Truly, amazing.

Ah! Father, this control freak has so much to learn. Teach me. Thank you for being in control and having all the answers. Thank you that I can hand it all to you. You have good plans and I can trust You. Thank you, Lord.