I was deeply sad, confused and angry. I truly thought that God was saying "yes" to a particular request---and then He said, "No". I felt like a bewildered and disgruntled child. I felt duped. The rug had just been pulled out from under my feet.
Had I heard wrong? Apparently!
Only last month my mentor asked me, "How do you relate to God in your grief? Do you express it to Him?" I had found myself dumbfounded with the question--- relating to God in the grief. In the midst...
So much still to learn.
Ranting through the day, I gave it a go. This concept of authentic and real interaction with God. With all of me---the real me. These raw emotions. Could I simply have them and communicate them honestly to my God? Could I, as David and Jesus did, express those hard emotions directly to my Father, in faith.
"Where are you God?"
"Why have you forsaken me?"
"Will you remain silent forever?"
Like my husband, who gently, gracefully and calmly listened to much of my rantings that day, God seemed quietly sitting with me. Receiving it, but not responding. Present. Solid. Okay. God was okay. His Presence didn't falter. I didn't feel His wrath at my strong, ugly, raw emotions. In my anger, I asked. I questioned. I demanded. I cried. It wasn't pretty.
It certainly wasn't the first time---but, it was a significant step for me in being wholly and truly ME with God. In the midst... Raw and real with God.
Late in the day, standing at the sink and washing my hands in the warm water, my heart cried out, "Father..." A cry of "Ugh.." A deep sigh of frustration escaped my lips.
In that very instant, suddenly came the strangest song...
It was Elvis Presley. (A caveat here---I simply do NOT always have a song in my head. Rarely. Very rarely, in fact. And, I certainly don't have Elvis in my head! When even was the last time I heard Elvis?!)
In that moment, clear as day, Elvis was singing into my thoughts, "Love me tender, love me true.... for my darlin' I love you and I always will"
There it was---and I knew. I knew, as surely as I was conscious of the warm water washing my hands, that this was God's heart speaking.
God was asking me, in the most tender way, do you love Me, even so?
Job 13:15 "Even though He slay me, I will trust Him."
He was saying, My love for you does not falter or shift. All I ask in return is love. Love me with all your heart, with your soul and with your mind.
Stephanie, love me tender. Love me sweet. Never let me go. Love me tender, love me long. Take me to your heart---for it is there that I belong and will never part.
This God. This amazing Lover that offers Himself and His love to me, over and over. For always. For keeps. ...all He asks from me is to remain in that love. He asks for my love.
I am not told to understand Him with all my heart, my soul and my mind. No. I don't have to understand. I don't have to agree. I just must love.
Yes, Lord, I love you. I love you tender and sweet. I am yours.
All I want for Christmas is You!
All I want for Christmas is You!
"We love because He first loved us" (1 John 4:19)
