Please Solve This For Me

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I am a planner. I am a "solver" by nature. I organized and manipulate data. I figure it out and work it through.  I think and I analyse. I make lists and check them off... and then make new lists when the old list gets too short.

I believe God has made me this way. I believe that part of His divine knitting was this very aspect of my personality and gifts. He made me a multi-tasker and a planner. And, I think He is pleased by this part of who I am ...

And, I also believe that this very gift-aspect of His creative hand sometimes gets in the way of my relationship with Him. ...almost daily. In this, I am certain He is sometimes displeased or, in the least, saddened.

When a problem comes my way, or even just as small obstacle, I very naturally decide how to overcome that problem. Again, I begin my list-making and planning. And, I do this time and time again without God. Entirely void of a simple pause to invite Him in, I go on with a knee-jerk reaction and take charge. Often, I act out of some false, deep belief that "I [you] shall be like god" (Genesis 3:5). I decide what is good and evil, take my course of action and go my own way. Essentially, I use my god-like creating abilities to make all things "right". ...right in my own eyes, that is.

Now, because my Father in Heaven is deeply loving and always faithful, He often rescues me or even blesses me even though, or "inspite of"; often, He does allow my plans to be fruitful and my organizing to prosper.  This sweet grace is beyond perplexing to me!

And yet, ...and yet... I miss out on Him. I miss out on doing it with Him. I miss out on relationship!

And, I also think I often miss His best... His solutions, His ways, His very best plan.  My plans are a just settling. When I forget Him, I settle for second best. I settle for action devoid power, plans devoid His wisdom and activity devoid relationship.

Recently, I have wanted this to change. I have really, deeply wanted it to be different. And, this year, I have attempted to stop the natural planning... and simply to ask God to "solve it".

In this I have asked God to help me to remember, to pause, and to ask for His solution. ...and even better yet, to just simply "solve it". And, He has!! He really has done this for me.

Simple things. Small things. Big things. Silly things ...I have seen Him solve them. I have stopped. Waited. Prayed. Hoped. And, I have asked for His solutions.  Father, You are going to have to solve this one! has been my prayer.  It has been sweet to watch Him work.

I certainly don't entirely "get it". I am far from daily practicing this surrendered-reliance on Him. And, I believe He still wants me to use my skills, my gifts, and my Hand-Created personality. But, I really believe my Father wants to do it all... all of life ... with me. He wants to do life, and all it's obstacles, together.

And, His solutions are just best. His ways are better.

This is a re-post from December 2010 ...but, I certainly could have written it yesterday!  ...still learning and re-learning the same things!  You?  

A Buzzing Mind

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My mind was whizzing and buzzing and clanking and spinning when I sat in my "quiet-time" chair.  Far from quiet, the thoughts whirling in my head reminded me of some Dr. Seuss rhyme describing Christmas morning noise!  Noise. Noise! Noise!!

Do you ever feel like your brain just won't shut off?  Busy.  Loud. Non-stop.

I felt that way this morning.

As I sat, I attempted the "breathe prayer" that had been so sweet and special to me last week:

"Be still... Be still and know that I am God".

Nothing seemed to bring calm.  Nothing stopped the next "to-do" flooding my mind.  ...more plans to make, lists to write and calculating needed.

Time passed and the internal noise only continued.  A bit frustrated and still buzzing with thoughts, I rose from my noisy-quiet-time and began my day.

While cleaning the dishes, I decided to listen to my "pray-as-you-go" app...  (wonderful resource!)  And, it was in that moment, with the first note of the song playing that the Spirit of God brought calm to my mind.

Beautiful words wafted from my ipod into and over my heart.

Almost like a sinking down, I could feel myself take a long, deep, full breath from the Words...

"O Lord, You search me and you know me.  You know when I sit and when I rise... you perceive my thoughts from afar.."   The Sons of Korah sang God's word over me and the Word brought light and peace.

Right there in the midst of my kitchen... hands soapy and dishes piled high... He brought rest and quiet. Quiet in the midst of noise.

I know you, Stephanie.  I know these thoughts.

He knows me!

He isn't surprised at the whiz and busy and buzzing.   He isn't upset and He isn't bothered.  He knows.  

Just the thought of my Almighty, All Powerful, Ever-Close Father knowing my every thought brought comfort.  He knows.   He knows what I have to do today and He knows where I am borrowing worry for tomorrow.  And, He is okay.

Your loving knowledge is amazing to me.  I am so grateful!  I am also sorry, Lord, that I worry and I run around panting for mental breath and rest.  You offer me daily rest for my soul.  Thank you for the grace that covers all that!  You know me and your love is unfailing.  

Keep My Ankle from Turning...

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I fell down a few weeks ago.

Not literally, but emotionally, I fell flat and felt buried in sadness and anger.

Strong and painful emotions raged within my mind and heart.  I was deeply sad and I was mad---very, very mad. But, the emotional pain of my tumble was only secondary to the excruciating pain which came in the aftermath---the aftershocks in my soul.  For days afterward, I was angry at myself for this fall.  The "beating up" began only moments after the fall.  Accusations were loud and intense:  How old are you, Stephanie?!  I thought you were better than this... stronger than this...  Is your faith even real?  Have you learned anything?  Who are you to teach?  ...to lead?  You are such a looser.  Where is your faith now?    The hissing lies from without and within were dark and heavy.    These words I was hearing brought only chaos and more anger... more sadness.  More dark.

Lies always bring darkness, shame and chaos.  Truth brings Light... and repentance...and peace.

Today I walk upright and sure.  Those angry voices are silenced and I am walking at peace with myself and with my God.  And, I am learning and re-learning new and old lessons as I ponder and pray and look back on what happened inside.

Maybe I will write later about how God "righted" me...  Or, why I believe (wrongly) that strong emotions or "falling apart" is cause for shame...  Those, and other lessons, are for another post.

For now, it was so good to be reminded of my vulnerability and my weakness.  I am vulnerable.  Every day. It was so healthy for me to find myself so in utter need of Jesus, ...just Jesus, to lift me from my fall.  And, He did.  He lifted my head and filled my mind with Truth.

I am finding that my prayers lately have shifted just slightly.  Where before I might have asked God to strengthen me, I am asking Him to be my strength.

I was reading yesterday and I was so struck by these beautiful verses, "You broaden the path beneath me, so that my ankle does not turn" (Psalm 18:36)

This.  This is the heart of my prayers recently.  Not that God would strengthen my ankles... but that He, Himself, would be my strength.  Asking that He would broaden my path and keep my ankle from turning. Psalm 18 begins with, "I love you, O Lord, my strength".

O Lord, my strength.  You alone are my rock and my defense.  You are my shield.    

A subtle shift has happened in my heart.  ...More dependence and more awareness of my need for Him every hour and every minute.

Daily Invitation to Rest

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Life can be very loud.  The noise isn't always discordant.  It is just noise.  Things to do. Places to be.  People to see.  Life's daily orchestra playing day-in-and-day-out---the instruments of people, appointments, and laundry.

The choice for solitude and silence is never easy.  Quiet and calm aren't easy to find.

Then to add to the hubbub of life there are noises in my heart; or, better said, from my heart.  In my mind and in my soul is a cacophony of sound shouting for attention.  Worries about this and about that.  Concerns about him and about her.  Plans for this...  Fixing that...  Wondering and hoping...  I am calculating and re-living.  I am analyzing and accusing.  The noises are numerous--and loud.  

Quiet and calm aren't easy to find.  But, they are available.

Often I find calm and quiet in a good book.  As a habit, I attempt to read regularly.  I read mostly because I need to remember.  I need to be called-back and to be reminded.  I read because I have a need for deep dialogue. Sometimes I desperately need right thoughts to counter the clamor filling my mind and my heart.   I don't read looking for new or profound things.  I read to remember and "talk" about True things:  old things and learned thing.

Currently I am having a lovely "conversation" with Eugene Peterson in Eat this Book.  And, last night in Richard Foster's Prayer, he kindly reminded me of the beautiful invitation I have from God to come to Him and rest.  

Rest.  

The prayer of rest, Foster calls it and I read his story.  Foster reminds me of the words of my brother, Jesus:  "Come to me all who are weary or heavy... and I will give you rest for your souls" (Matthew 11:28).  

My mind needs rest.  My body needs rest.  And, most certainly, my soul needs rest.  Often.  

So, I responded to Richard's reminder.  I closed the book.  And, I sat.  I entered the Rest offered.  

Be still.  

Just be still, Stephanie. 

Be still and know.  

Know, right now, my love. 

Be still and know that I am God.  

And, in that moment the voices died down.  The waters went still.  The to-do list was released.  The worries and the calculating were engulfed in a calm and a Presence that is my God!

Father, what a gift you give me in Yourself.  Jesus what an offer!  I choose You today.  I open my hands and I open my heart and I say, "yes" to the rest You offer me today.  Thank you.  Would You remind me again and again to remain in this Love...  to remain in rest... to remain in You!  

Falling in love each day...

I haven't been writing much lately.

I am not sure why.  Certainly there are many thoughts dancing around in my head and many discussion going on in my heart; but, my fingers have just felt strangely quiet.  And, that is okay.

I haven't been writing lately.  But, I have been counting...  I think I will forever count my way to 1,000 with Ann Voskamp.  It is such a gift to me from God!

In a book I was recently reading, it was recommended that I "fall in love with something and/or someone every day; even if it is only a tree.  Love is the key.  Love conquers."  When I read that advice, my heart leapt.  This is why I count and search and recount the beauty of God's gifts of grace to me!  I am looking for love.  I am looking for Love--- Him:  Love-Himself displayed in the works of His hands and the gifts of grace given to me each day.

So, here are a few of the things I fell in love with this past week:

#200.  A long phone conversation with my mom.

201.  My son making pancakes for breakfast.

202.  Morning kisses.

206.  The deep growl of the dog as she plays.

#210.  Bird song.

212.  The cool wind in my hair.

216.  Learning to lean in and lean on love.

221.  The crackling sound of the fire place.

222.  The beautiful blowing towels on the line drying in the wind.

227.  He shares his heart with me.  Connection.

228.  A truck comes every week and takes away my trash!

233.  Every chair filled.

235.  Worship together.

Let's do laundry together...

My lower back hurts.

And my lips are chapped.

I am feeling a bit hungry... but, maybe my stomach is a bit upset today.  I don't know.

Laundry is spinning loudly and I don't think my second load will all fit in the washing machine.  Will I have to do three loads?  ...where will I hang them all to dry?

Oh! And, I can't forget to get the crock pot started this morning or dinner won't be ready in time.

And, that mold really needs to be sprayed...  And, that email that I haven't yet responded to...

Sometimes life just seems so very humdrum and physical, doesn't it?  ...the comings and goings. ...the pains and aches.  ...the "to do" list that never gets entirely accomplished.  ...the down-to-earth that seems to suffocate and consume.     Almost like I can walk through one-step-at-a-time in a lifeless, simply "doing", sort of way.

It is easy to get caught up in the mundane and the every-day tasks of life.  That is my reality.  These laundry piles are a very real part of my world.

It is easy to forget the other Reality.

"The Lord Almighty is with us" (Psalm 46:7).   These words jumped off the page this morning as I wandered slowly through His word.

He is on my side.  ...right beside me.  with me.  ...a forever refuge and a place of Presence.  He is with us.  The Lord Almighty, maker of Heaven and earth, is with us...  always with us, to the very ends of the age (Matthew 28:20)

He is with us.  He is with you.  How often I forget this!  Do you?

I picked up my list to continue my counting... my God's hunt.  I want to see Him more in my everyday.  I believe He is always present.  I am asking for awareness.

Can I see Him today in the beauty of the blue sky and hear His musical talents in the sound of the bird call outside my window?  Can I find Him in the gray and the rain?  Can I feel Him in the breath-taking, cold breeze or taste His creativity in my morning coffee?  Can I smell the work of His hands in the paprika sprinkled in my crock pot?

When my boy leans in for a hug, can I sense His heart in the love and tenderness I feel?   Can I see these, each one, as gifts from His alive and active hand in my life...  I want to see more, Father.  Teach me to see.  Hear.  I want to taste that you are good today!  

So, I keep counting my way to 1,000 gifts with Ann Voskamp.   Asking for open eyes and an open heart, I want to see Him more.  I want to see Him in the mundane and beyond the physical.  I wonder if we can fill that crock pot together today...

Sharing with you a few items from my Easter "egg" hunt this past week:

#170.  Sweet cuddles from my boy.

#174.  Cold air on my face... waking me!

176.  He prepares a table for me, even in the midst of my enemies (Psalm 23)

179.  A time to process forgiveness with my girl.  The struggle to forgive and God's grace given to release.

180.  Sharing deeply with my husband.  Wrestling through my own sins and the healing still needed in my heart.

182.  Strong emotion.

184.  Hot chocolate that brings smiles.

189.  Gifts of kindness and care.

192.  Daddy and kiddos make a drum together!

196.  Bright sun and blue skies.

197.  Warm clothes and warm socks and warm blankets.

198.  Bird song that wakens my heart out of the mundane and into the Presence.

We call it good

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Today is Good Friday.

We celebrate and remember today that Jesus was brutally tortured and killed. And, we call this single event in history "good"?

We call it good, because it is good. It is very good.

I have been thinking much lately, in light of my own personal physical pain, what it might look to truly, deeply, be thankful for my suffering. What might it look like to rejoice in my trial or to see my pain as a gift of joy? (James 1:2: Consider it pure joy when you face trials of all kinds.)

In the midst of pain, this is a very hard thing to do.

Even two steps away from suffering, the clouds can lift and I can see "reasons" and grace in hindsight. I can see what He has done in it and through it... when I am looking at it from some distance. But, right smack dab in the middle of pain... rejoicing, being thankful and calling pain "good" is hard.

This past year, I have felt the Lord calling me to this, though. He seems to be leading me onward in this journey of pain and inviting me to "more".  At least, that is what I sense by His invitation. There is more to be had when you can call it good and see Me as good in it. Is this what He has been whispering?

He isn't asking me to say this with words; He is asking me to know this with heart.

Although a rough path, I do find myself understanding it a bit more. I seem to be able to, even in the midst, to say that He is good. My trust in His love over me is expanding. This is a gift, in-and-of-itself. Truly. It isn't something that I could teach anyone, ...I can barely find words to explain it..., but it is something I have had to live through. I have had to walk in, to feel, to wrestle with .

In truth, my physical pain has been quite minimal in compared with other pains that I have wrestled with through the years. Recently, I experienced an impromptu gathering of women. This table full of women had all come from divorced and broken families. As we shared, we found such comfort in hearing each other's stories. In each woman, regardless of age, tears were readily available... brimming eyes and some spilling tenderly on cheeks.

Such deep pain. Such soul upheaval. Such foundation breaking we all experienced at young, tender ages... even though our stories are all different! This pain. How do you call this pain "good"?

Was what they did that day to my Jesus, my Brother, good? NO! But... but, ...strangely, yes. Yes, it was good.

I am so glad they did! Isn't that just a crazy statement?! I am so glad they killed Him and that He gave His life for me! What an upside down thought?! But, what else do I have but that beautiful death on the cross. What else do I rely on, each day, but the blood of my precious Savior poured out on me!? I couldn't have the resurrection if I didn't have the death!

Don't we, in the cross, have a model for thanking God in suffering? Don't we have in Christ, each time we take communion, a picture of what it means to rejoice and say "thank you" for death, pain and suffering?

How does this work with the intense evil in our world? How does this work with the pain inflicted by Satan and those who are filled and living in his sick and twisted darkness? How does this work with sin, base choices, ...and depravity? How does this work with Jesus not being a victim... but being the One who chose this. He, Himself, layed His life down.

I don't know. I really don't know. These answers have been debated for centuries. Certainly, there is no easy answer!

But, wasn't Pilate ...and Caiaphas ... and Judas ...and the Roman soldiers mocking Him... were they not acting as Satan's very hands of evil? Were they not heinous in their actions? Sinful in their choices?

I don't know much about this topic, but this I do know: I boast in the cross of Christ. I boast in my Savior crucified! I boast.

What I do know is that today is Good Friday. I will remember what Christ did for me today! And, I will give thanks for the suffering! ...His suffering. ...and mine.

I call it good. Because, it is good.


a re-post from April 2011

Be Brave Stephanie

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I was away from home.  And, very, very sick.

Sick and weak, I had to travel home--- 10 hours and 3 flights and 2 more security checks and 2 more passport controls---   

Sometimes we think we have to be strong for tomorrow.  We don't.  God kindly tells us to not worry about tomorrow.  Just look at today, He says.  We can trust Him for tomorrow.  Oh! What freedom I feel when I can just live in today! 

But, this day...this travel day...  I couldn't see past the next flight.  Or, the next hour.  Tomorrow wasn't even on my mind.  I really can't make it another 8 hours, Lord!!!   My heart was crying, physical tears only at the surface of my eyes ready to pour over for the whole of gate 21G to see!!

Then, like fresh air, I had this wonderful, Spirit-Truth thought:  You only have to be brave one hour at a time.  Can you ask Me for that, Stephanie?  Can you be brave one hour?  

I didn't feel brave.  I couldn't make it another flight.  Another hour.  I felt so week and so sick. 

Only one hour at a time, Lord? 

Yes, be brave just one more hour... okay?  

Lord, would You help me be brave one hour more?  

Yes, Stephanie.  One hour at a time, we can do this.  Be brave and courageous. 

I was brave one more hour.   And, then the next hour.   One. Hour. At. A. Time.  He walked me home.  

He brought me to my comfy, warm bed.  He tucked me in and I have been sleeping since.  ...and feeling much better today!  What will come tomorrow?  

I don't know.  But, I don't have to worry about tomorrow!!  I just need to be brave for today...  

I am giving thanks for each hour of care.  I am giving thanks for today.  ...and the myriad of other grace-gifts I have been counting this past week.  I am joining in with Ann Voskamp and others as we count our way to 1,000 gifts.  

#139.  A tight hug from my man. 

#145.  Bright morning light.

147.  My microwave.

149.  A sweet friend that notices me emotionally unwell and asks.  

152.  Music.

157.  Smooth flights leaving home and traveling so long.

158.  Welcoming homes in a foreign land.

160.  Open hearts of beautiful ladies and looking deep within and upward.

163.  Miraculous wellness only when I needed it most. 

165.  Brave one hour at a time. 

166.  Welcome home flowers, signs and hugs.  

168.  Wellness in my body---wow!  what good it feels to feel well again!  

Whispers of Spring

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They always surprise me.

These deep green shoots sprouting up out of grey and death.  My yard---one day empty and void of life.  The next moment they appear, whispering hope.  They remind me that it will not always be dreary or dark.  It will not always be grey and winter.  Spring time will come.

I somehow forget, when the winter months are here, that deep within the soil of my garden there are bulbs that will push through.  Beautiful, brightly colored tulips and daffodils lie dormant... quietly waiting to spring-out and shine forth radiance.  Spring after Spring they surprise me!

In a few weeks time, we will see these tulips displayed.  At the end of these lively green shoots---which press hard against the rot, the dead leaves, and the cold soil---there will be beauty.  Heads held high they will rise up in worship and proclaim that winter is done!  Indeed with their color and their stance they will shout "life"!

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What are the wonderful things that God has planted deep within me that will push through this coming Spring?  What has He planted in you through the years?

Stirred in me today is a hope of things to come.  ...the love, the joy, the patience, the kindness, the gentleness...  these seeds planted through pain of winter-months-past.  What will Springtime bring in my life, I wonder.

I see deep green shoots of hope pushing through my soul.  I see moments of laughter and joy that come more naturally.  Trust that is found more quickly.  I see patience that surprises me!  These "flowers" are the budding life of God's Spirit living and working within my heart...

He is at work.  He is faithful.  He will keep working.  And, birthing.  And, watering.  And, growing.  And, leading.  And, teaching.  And, He will produce good fruit in my life.  I can trust Him.

Even if, indeed, it will always surprise me!

Thankful for Color

Thank you God for the color yellow!

 As I look and ask my kind Father for eyes to see, I am becoming more aware of His daily gifts of love, grace and beauty!  I am seeing, again, the "little" things and I am thanking Him for each one... or, at least, each one I notice!

Thank you, Lord, for beautiful blue!  

He has given me color in my life.  And, for this I am so very thankful!  Colorful things, colorful people, and colorful situations...  All grace-gifts from His hand.

Open my eyes, Lord, to see even more of Your gifts of love today!  

Thank you Father God for bold red! 

I am joining others from Ann's blog in counting my way to 1,000 Gifts!  You can join us in this lovely adventure, or just enjoy with me a few notations from my list this past week:

#77.  His early morning mussed hair and big, tight, sweet hugs.

#79.  Friendship and deep connections.

#88.  Safety in our home.

#93.  God's word that speaks to me daily.

#94.  Friendly smiles, friendly faces.

#102.  God singing to me.

#109.  My deep weaknesses and my imperfections.

#110.  Becoming aware of my anger.

#113.  God giving us dreams as a place to process.

#121.  Yellow!! So beautiful. 

#122.  A text of love.

#126.  Blue!!

#127.  Red!

#129.  Hearing his voice.  He called.

#136.  Art in the kitchen.

#137.  Naked moments and His flood of love and Presence and covering.

#138.  Music that reminds and teaches me of Truth.

There He goes again... singing over me!

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No...  Really? 

No... that song can't really be for me.  Is it, Lord?

As I awoke from my short cat-nap... I woke up to a song.  My body was tired-- fighting some kind of sickness all week.  But, when I awoke, wafting like a gentle breeze across my brain, the song sang to me.  It sang and beautifully touched down gently into my heart.  It brought peace---it's beauty brought light.

I hadn't heard this song recently.  In fact, I haven't heard this song in quite a while.  Where did that come from?

Waking.  Listening.  Questioning.

Generally, I don't wake up with songs in my head.  Do you? Some people, I am told, often have songs bouncing and singing in their minds and hearts.  I don't.  Rarely, in fact.  Where did that come from?  

I had struggled all morning with irritating thoughts of insecurity.  Comparison.  I had laid my head down on the pillow for my nap with a significant annoyance at myself--- annoyance at my insecurities and comparisons.

And, when I awoke... I heard these words:  Love, you are lovely.  

Gentle words.  A gentle song.  Simply beautiful.  "Love, you are lovely.  You put the stars to shame."  

I knew the song immediately.  A love song entitled "Tonight", by JJ Heller, this is a song from a groom's heart.  He is singing to his bride on their wedding day. Or, is the bride singing to the groom?

A beautiful love song.  Tender.  Gentle and simply beautiful.

How funny... why this song, Lord?  

Love, you are lovely.   Still singing.  Still brooding over me, this song.  It sounds like an invitation.  An invitation.

No?!... No!  this song can't possibly really be for me.  From you, Lord?  

Love, you are lovely.  You put the stars to shame.  

Scripture teaches us.  Experience speaks to it.  Creation shows forth His deep love for us.  Why do we question it?  He loves His bride.   He delights in her.  He calls us His beloved.  He lavishes His love over her day and night.  He smiles at her.  And, sings over her.

But, still, somewhere inside I struggle to take it in.  Could He, really?  Could You really, Lord, love me this tenderly?  

Almighty God?  Loves me... this much!?  Can He possibly sing to me this beautiful love song?  Can He want to dance with me...  and delight in me so.  It is almost too much for me to take in at this very moment as I type.

The singing-song has dissipated now.  Other noises and thoughts and moments of life have carried it away.  But, the sense of His deep love still lingers.

I still listen.  And, question.  And, wonder.  And, I smile.  ...attempting to take it in.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3VIWqTDKNbw

You are my beloved and I am yours to keep.  Take my heart forever, You have captured me!

Tell yourself the truth...

If I listen well, I can sometimes hear awful lies that bounce around in my head.  Almost like recordings---or tapes-of-old, these lies and words are like "old friends"; but, certainly not healthy friendships, to be sure!

I can make harsh judgments about myself and shame myself.  Not always word-based, these feelings toward myself can be angry, irritated and fed-up.  Some days there is very little grace and mercy that pour out from my own self talk...

I have been asking my Father to make me more aware of my thoughts and my feelings toward myself and toward others.   I have been asking the Holy Spirit to lead me into all Truth.  I have been listening more keenly lately.   Using a wonderful, ancient tool called the Enneagram, I have awaken a bit to some of the pitfalls of my personality.  What nasty, destructive untruths would my unique personality fall into? ...oh!  I have some doozies!  With this personality tool, I have also found some helpful "wake-up" calls for my attention and to aid my awareness.  This has helped greatly.  It is amazing what a little awareness can do.

But, then, today, I heard these familiar untruths---those recordings--- come out of my daughter's mouth.  She is not my personality type--- not at all!  But, listen to what she is saying!  Look what I have taught her!  We do teach our children, not with our words but, with our actions and with our lives.  Good. And, bad. They see what we really believe.  ...about ourselves and about others.  Unconsciously, she is mirroring my own lies---my harsh judgments toward myself now spoken out against herself.  And, this grieves me today.

I can battle those lies that come out of my sweet girl's mouth.  And, I do.   I do with fierce passion!  I see clearly in those moments.  I know them immediately as falsehood when they fly out into the Light.  They sound so very wrong when spoken through her darling, lovable lips!  I can answer them with Truth.   I can speak Truth to her about what God sees, about who she is...

Why is it so hard to fight the battle when it is inside me?  When the war is inside my head and directed at me, why is it less clear?!

What you tell her---that Truth--- tell yourself!  The Truth that you tell her, speak to yourself, Stephanie.   

This is the phrase that has been bouncing around in my head today.  That Truth.  The Truth that fights those ugly lies coming out of her deeply-loved-mouth.  That Truth you speak over your daughter...  tell yourself that same Truth.  

If I listen well to my thoughts, it is amazing the amount of false things that can bring chaos to my soul.  If I listen well to my words, maybe I can hear some Truth.

Friends, by all means, talk to yourself, ... but please tell yourself the truth!    What would you say to your deeply loved daughter if you heard those lies?  What Truth would you speak to her... tell yourself that Truth!

Beams of love

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...a single lovely rose was bought as a "pre-birthday" love gift.
...household chores were done to show love in my "love language".
...flowers dropped off at my house.
...gifts bought and special meals made.
...card delivered, hugs given and FB love poured over in abundance.

I turned 40 this week.
And, I was well-loved.

...she sent a list of 40 things she loves about me:  40 separate, sweet and thoughtful words.
...another sent a list of 40 moments and memories that we have together--the places and times our journeys have intersected.
...my colleagues filled 40 balloons with 40 things they like about me.  Forty scraps of paper.  40 amazing phrases and compliments.  Kind words, tender thoughts and love.

Why is it so hard sometimes to sit and receive such sentiment and love?  It is hard, though, isn't it?  At least, it is for me.  It was uncomfortable and beautiful all at once.  I loved it and hated it simultaneously!   I had to pray my way as I read those 40 things out-loud to the group...  just take it in, Stephanie.

Father, help me to just live open-hearted and receive this love!  
  

William Blake once wrote, “We are here to learn to endure the beams of love”.  I endured great beams of love this last week and I am learning to take them in!  What a blessing! 

  

And, so, I share with you here my "counting".  These friends counted up to 40 for me this week.  I am counting my way to 1,000:  counting 1,000 grace-gifts for which I am deeply, daily thankful.  I share with you here just a few of my list from this week:  

#17.  A warm fire.

18.  Snuggled up infront of the fire. 

21.  Prayer for others in the night. 

24.  A special red rose, a pre-birthday gift from my girl.

29.  The humility that she shows forth when she asks for help and for prayer.

30.  Honest tears of grief shared with me. 

37.  Giggling girls in the other room having fun. 

38.  Warm water!

43.  The gift of a beautiful, slow paced walk together. 

46.  40 memories arrives in my inbox.

47.  40 words, kind words, sent to my inbox with love. 

49.  Hard, loud conversations and a patient father that perseveres.

50.  A long, quiet afternoon to read. 

53.  A warm fire. 

54.  Friends for my kiddos. 

61.  Prayer singing with my kids.  

69.  Silly games online with family overseas.

72.  Adventures down the river. 

#74.  Outrageous generosity of friends.  

His beams of love over me are amazing... and I want to reflect those back even just a bit.

....I am joining and linking up with others from www.aholyexperience.com

You must be good...

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To be loved, you must be perfect or at least good.

...whether I fight this lie because of my personality, my past wounds, or just my human nature, I am not certain.  Likely, it is a mixture of these three things, at the least.  But, to be sure, this ugly lie can infiltrate my thinking and influence my relationship with God.

God has spoken in His word.  He has spoken through the whispers of His Spirit directly to my mind about this lie.  He has spoken Truth over this lie time-and-time again.  "Stephanie, you don't have to be perfect to be loved."  And, yet, this lie of perfection and doing-good can penetrate and linger within.

I am learning.  It is a journey.

Watching and relating to the Israelite's sin in the Old Testament these past few weeks has pushed on this lie.  They are certainly not good and far from perfect.  Are they loved?  It sounds a bit crass to even say that out loud!  Of course they are, we say theologically.  But, I read and feel God's anger and His frustration (which I "get" as well!!) and somewhere inside I wonder...  Are they loved?   I feel they must have certainly lost His love, right?  They certainly don't deserve it.

How does God see the Israelite's as they wander and grumble and rebel?  I guess, more poignantly, my heart really asks, "How does God see me as I wander, grumble and rebel?"  Hmmm... Do you ever wonder this?

Interestingly, as if He could hear my wonderings... He answered my question.  Right smack dab in the midst of their rebellion, is the beautiful story of God using Balaam to speak His heart and thoughts about His people. (Exodus 22-24)

Right before this passage, the people have angered God with their grumbling and He is disciplining them.  Moses has angered God with His pride and He is disciplining him.  And, Miriam has angered God with her judgment and slander.  She, too, is disciplined.  God says, "I rebuke those I love, like a good Father", and we see this in these stories.

But what does God think of Israel?  of Moses?  of Miriam?  What are His thoughts about His people?  What is His stance toward her?  We are told through a prophet, Balaam, exactly what He thinks of Israel.(As a side note, the fact that Balaam is not from Israel is a wonderful foreshadowing of God's heart for all nations!)

Balaam is called upon by an enemy king to prophesy and curse Israel.  Balaam reluctantly agrees to prophesy for this king.  But, Balaam clearly states that all he will do is say only that which the Lord Almighty tells him to say...

And, these are some of the things that God speaks as Truth about His people through Balaam, "How can I curse what God has not cursed?...God has blessed and will not revoke it.  ...The Lord is with them. ...They are like a strong lion and will devour their prey. ...How lovely are their tents... they are beautiful like gardens beside a river. ...I will protect them."

Blessed.  Strong.  Lovely.  Well-watered.  Protected.  I am with them!

These are God's thoughts about His people, even as they sin.  My God, our God, ...He sees beyond!  He sees beyond their sin and their rebellion.  He sees what they actually ARE:  His.  Loved.  Strong.

It reminds me of the early chapters of Ephesians where God tells the church in Ephesus who they are...  blessed, chosen, forgiven, set free, victorious, and loved.  His letter to the Ephesians tells us His stance toward His people, "Grace and peace to you." (Ephesians 1:2)

You see... I have realized, am realizing, need to realize.... that I am loved because He loves me.  Plain and simple.  Not for what I have done, what I will do, or who I am.  Just because.

And, because of the beautiful gift of grace and the blood sacrifice of His Son, He sees beyond my sin, my wandering, and my rebellion.  He says I am beautiful.  And, He says I am free.  These are His thoughts about you, too, my friends.

As I read Balaam's prophecy, another verse danced around in the back of my head, "If God is for us, who can be against us?  ...it is God who justifies. ...what can separate us from His love?"  (Romans 8:31-35)

To be loved, you need do nothing.  You mustn't be or do anything.  That is the crazy, eternal Love that is our God!  I need only choose to live in the love of an ever-Loving Father.  This is what is True.

"God's love for us is everlasting.  That means that God's love for us existed before we were born and will exist after we have died.  It is an eternal love in which we are embraced.  Living a spiritual life calls us to claim that eternal love for ourselves so that we can live our temporal loves - for parents, brothers, sisters, teachers, friends, spouses, and all people who become part of our lives - as reflections or refractions of God's eternal love." ~Henri Nouwen

Squirmin' Mercy Needed

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As I am reading through the Old Testament right now, I am squirming...

It wasn't really what I expected when I was beginning my journey back through the Bible.  He does surprise us, doesn't He?  Our big, beyond, and other-than-me God!  

It isn't that I haven't read the Old Testament many times before.  I have.  But, I don't know...I was just expecting a different understanding and experience.  I wasn't expecting to squirm.  I wasn't expecting to feel the conviction and the heaviness.

But, I am.  I am wriggling as I read.  

I started the reading on January 1st, intending to read through the Bible in a year.  I am already behind... and it is only the end of February.  But, I am ambling my way through.  And, as I read, I am squirming in in my seat.  I am uncomfortable.

My prayer and my heart's desire was to find God's love in and through the pages of the Old Testament.  And, His love is there, to be sure!  I am seeing His heart.  His feelings for His people is as passionate and as connected as it has always been since the beginning of time.  He cares.  Deeply. 

His love is shown forth in amazing deliverance, provision, and constant forgiveness.  But the reality is that God's care and His love are also expressed in His anger and frustration.  I am seeing the Truth of Revelation 3:19, "Those whom I love, I rebuke and discipline."  He rebukes.  He disciplines.  He loves.  ...He is a good, kind Father.  Good, kind, loving parents do discipline and rebuke and feel frustration with their kids!

But, His goodness does look, feel, and sound a bit painful at times in Exodus... and in Leviticus ...and in Numbers.  And, I know it only gets more intense and more painful as I anticipate ahead toward the reading of Ezekiel.  

I love God's word so much.  I believe that His Word is teaching me... even as I squirm.  For weeks I have been asking God to show me the sufferings of Christ... that I might touch them more deeply this Lent season.  He has answered this prayer many times already.  I have been feeling, more keenly, the pain, suffering, and sin that taints our world so drastically every day.  I have sensed His suffering.

But, more recently, I feel He is showing me the pain, the suffering, and the sin deep within Stephanie.  Deep within me.  He is showing me my own heart and my sin.  And, that this darkness... pains Him greatly.  This is Lent suffering close at hand.  My sin.  ...in desperate need of the Resurrection and His salvation!  

I can relate to those He is rebuking.  I have, and do still today, complain and grumble about the same thing time-and-time-again.  I walk faithless and worried, not trusting my Father to provide.  I ignore His Presence.  And, I turn away from His best ways--- His Truth.   

As I read about the Korah's rebellion in Numbers 16 yesterday, I was so deeply struck by how I could relate to these prideful men.  I, too, have grumbled against leaders.  I, too, have felt "holier than thou" and stood in judgment toward my brothers.  Have you?  

I am reading the Old Testament and squirming in my seat these days.  

All I can say today when I sit and ponder are the words found in the ancient Jesus Prayer:  Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, as sinner.  And, I thank Him for His fresh mercy every morning!  (Lamentations 3:22-23).  Because of His great love, I am not consumed.  

Started Again

In March 2011, I joined Ann Voskamp at www.aholyexperience.com in a wonderful exercise of gratitude.  Ann challenged her blog readers to join her personal journey in "counting" and make note of 1,000 grace gifts from God.

What a sweet sojourn it was!  I loved the adventure of looking for God's love gifts throughout my day and then writing them down, filling a journal full of thankfulness!  It truly trained my eyes in seeing the big, the small, the good, and the hard ...seeing all as gifts from God's grace-filled and loving hands.

Since then I have found myself "missing" this discipline from time-to-time... so, this week, I decided to start afresh and count again!  Today starts my first (second-time-through) 1,000 Gifts Thankfulness post.  (I will be posting early each week from my list, so you can join me or just follow me in the adventure!)

So, here is my list thus far.

Grace gifts...
#1.  Your word is a lamp unto my feet.
#2.  Your love is better than life!
3.  Warm blankets on a cold morning.
4.  Happy boy, chatting and sharing his thoughts.
5.  The faithfulness of Your love and grace.
6.  Light mornings.
7.  Hot coffee made for me.
8.  A smile from a stranger.
9.  Fun pool time---giggles and special family "date".
10.  Kitchen helpers cleaning up after dinner.
11. Cool morning air on my face.
12.  Kids who will still climb onto my lap and share their dreams.
13.  Quiet still moments to listen for His voice.
14.  Fresh mercy for today.
15.  Encouraging emails that bring a smile to my heart.
16.  Well written classic literature, written from your children of old.

God's womb is deep and wide

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I was practicing "lectio divina" this morning... which, although it sounds super fancy, is just a simple way of reading Scripture with a prayerful stance.

In short, the fundamental assumption behind Lectio Divina is that God's word is alive and divinely inspired ("Lectio"=word, "divina"=divine).  It begins with the belief that God is ready and always wanting to talk with you in and through His Word--- His Word is a conversation starter, you might say.  

In practice, simply put, you read God's word slowly and take note of what jumps out at you--- what strikes you.  What might He be saying to you today?  Then, you sit with that "jumping" word or phrase... asking God to speak more to you about it.  You dialogue with God about it and sit (contemplate) the Truth that He brings to mind.  That is 'Stephanie-version' and badly explained, I am sure; but, a favorite tool for me, none-the-less.

Anyway, I was reading slowly through Psalm 25 this morning and asking God to speak.  My eyes landed on verse 6, "Remember, O Lord, your mercy and love..."  Mercy and Love.  The words seemed to jump off the page and kiss my cheek.  

I sat with these words for a few minutes.  I prayed and sat in a listening stance.  Your mercy and Your love, O Lord.  I rested in this phrase for a few quiet moments more. Then I asked the Lord to tell me more...  What more do you have to say to me this morning, Lord?  Why this phrase?  

In response to the prayer-question, I had an intense urge to go to the Hebrew and figure out what Hebrew word was translated as "mercy" and as "love".  So, I quickly grabbed my ipod and googled www.blueletterbible.org (a great site!).  And, do you know what it said?  Do you know what I found when I clicked around these words and their origins...  

God has a womb!  

Okay, maybe that's not exactly what it said.  But, womb is one definition/translation of the Hebrew word in Psalm 25 that we translate:  mercy.   Mercy= womb.  Or, even better... Mercy=bowel. 

Okay, a major caveat here, I am NOT a Hebrew scholar...  not at all.  But, having once witnessed the intricacies of  Scripture translation into Kazakh, I often find it fun and encouraging to poke around and look at the broader meaning of Hebrew and Greek words.  What was God saying in the original Hebrew? 

When I read that this Hebrew word can be rendered womb and bowels...    I was dumbfounded and deeply moved.  The Holy Spirit of God was saying something to me this morning!  He was answering my prayerful question: Father, what more would You say to me about this?  

God's mercy...  His compassion (another translation for this word) is deep... very, very deep...   This part of who God is... this love, this mercy, this compassion... is as deep as the womb. It is as much a part of who He is as His bowels.  He loves with His very gut.  He is Love to His very core.    

I sat and meditated on this great Truth.  My Almighty God is Love.  His love, His mercy, His compassion resides within Him and is a place of life and birth.  His mercy toward me, and you, are from His very gut:  His inner Being.  God is Love!  God is mercy... in His deepest, most hidden parts.  

That is His stance toward me today.  Mercy.  This is His heart toward you, my friends.  From the very depth of Who He is, Almighty God, is Mercy and Compassion.  I will rest in this today!  Remember, O Lord, Your womb... Your guts... Remember, O Lord, Who You are:  You are Mercy, You are Kindness, You are Love.  

Tears of a Friend

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We don't like to see a friend in pain and we don't like to see them cry, right?  But, when we do have the privilege of seeing another's tears; when we invite intimacy, we do get the gift of tears from each other.  When a friend offers her tears to us as a gift...  or, when we enter in with them, feeling with them... when we allow our hearts to be touched by their pain...

When we can cry with a friend, then there is a deep connection, isn't there?

Pondering the sufferings of Christ brought tears to my eyes this morning as we passed the bread and the cup.   I entered in. In that quiet moment celebrating communion, my heart remembered what He did for me that beautiful, painful day on Calvary's hill!  And, it hurt to remember.  It pained me.   I remember, my precious Jesus.  I remember.  

With the tears there was indeed deep connection.  Somewhere within, I think, I touched the sufferings of Christ---even if only slightly.

So far, this is the Lenten season for me.  This is where I think He might be leading me.  The phrase, "touch and remember the sufferings of Christ", has been bouncing around in my head and in my heart.

To touch.  To sense.  To remember and re-acquaint myself with the pain and sorrow of this Man I love.  My Jesus.

Today, He led me further into this thought.  As I sat in stillness and solitude, my thoughts raced.  My mind whirled with faces.  My heart was filled with this week's memories:  thoughts of painful news, the suffering of a child, the loss of a loved one, the sickness of a friend, and the wandering away from faith...  This suffering.  These tears.  Today's suffering.

Today's suffering which He feels today.  My sufferings which He feels.  ...My friend, Jesus.

I was moved with the sufferings of Christ today.

What might He feel as He walks beside His children who are in pain?  What must He feel as He whispers His love into hearts and minds who shun and ignore Him?  What must He feel as He watches His sisters cry and His brothers turn away from His Presence, running to sin?  He suffers today.

My pain.  And, your pain.  And, her pain.  He feels them all as He intercedes.  As He advocates and as He speaks Truth louder than the Liar, the accuser of the brethren. (Revelation 12:10).  He is our friend and our intercessor (I John 2:1, Hebrews 7:25).  He is always with us.

Until He comes again, we can remember His death and proclaim it as real for us today.  This pain is our "now" truth as we wait for the "not yet" of our resurrection and eternal life without tears.  Tears and suffering are for today.  His death and His grief, even now, are our touchstone in this broken and painful world.

When I invite it, I can be privileged to see, to hear, and to connect with His tears and His sufferings today.  My friend, Jesus.

I remember, Jesus.  Today.  May I know Your sufferings--- to share in them with you, my Jesus (I Peter 4:13)  May I hear Your heart and see Your tears as I walk through my day.  What breaks Your heart?   Break my heart with what breaks your heart.

Pain stinks

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We all walk the road of pain in this broken, broken world.  And, when I have to endure suffering and pain, it sucks.  Doesn't it?  Plain and simple.  It stinks.

But, to watch someone you love suffer and to feel so helpless to stop their pain... well, that just rips and tears in a way that is different and deep.  The watching is not more painful, per se.  It is just different and intense and confusing.

I am watching someone in pain and I am witness to suffering that I can't stop.  And, it hurts deep.  It pains my heart in ways that are hard to put words to...

In tears, I sat with the Lord this morning.  What do I even say to You, Lord?  I had no words.  Just tears.

I hate this suffering.  I hate to watch and hear about the pain.  I hate the confusion.  Father...  

There are times when words don't work and all we have is His name.  Father...   My eyes cried tears as my heart whispered this single word today.  Father.  A single word was enough--- it was full expression of my prayer to Him.

We have been talking about the beauty of Lent and this season of "longing" and "hunger":  A time to feel, to touch and remember the sufferings of Christ.  ...waiting for Good Friday.  ...waiting for Easter.  ...waiting and anticipating the resurrection and eternal life.

Oh man! With the news of this suffering, I can feel the deep longing and the groaning for Heaven!  Lent lessons right smack dab in front of me.

Longing.  And heaviness.  And, sadness.  Oh Father...  

After the tears subsided, there came a few more words to aid my prayer...  Isn't there another way?  

These words came out of my heart unbidden.  As they formed in my mind I recognized them---Don't they sound familiar?  Isn't this what Jesus was saying to the Father in the garden? Can this cup pass from me, please, Father? (Matthew 26:39)  Isn't there another way, Father?  

I know this road--or, at least, I know a small portion of this road.

And, I know beyond any shadow of doubt that suffering and pain have done significant work in me:  heart, soul and character work in my life.  Deep work.  I know... that I know... that know... that I know...  that suffering has indeed produced endurance.  It is producing faith, character and hope in my life.  In fact, I really can't imagine myself without my past and current pain journey.  It is one way, one avenue, God has used greatly to show me His love and His touch and the knowledge of Him.

I want this deep, heart work in my loved one.  But, still as I watch this dear one hurting...  and, I asked my loving Father, Is there any other way?   

There was no straight answer to my question.  There are no easy answers to pain and suffering, are there?
But there was a faint lifting of heart and a glimmer of hope welling up from within me.  I have been learning and am re-learning today that this faith and hope will not disappoint.  God's love will be poured into my and her life.  (Romans 5:3-5)

But, the truth still remains.  To endure suffering or watch suffering simply stinks.  Royally.  Doesn't it?

The comings and goings tug hard...

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I have felt myself very irritable the last few days...  easily annoyed and frustrated.  I have felt disconnected and self-centered.  Puzzling over the "why" of my mood, I did indeed come up with some good ideas:  Simple exhaustion after returning from our travels?  Jet lag?  Hormones? Spiritual warfare?

All of these are possible, even probable, culprits behind my irritability.  But, none of these "sat" quite right with my spirit.  None of these options felt "it"exactly.  These don't hit that-nail-on-the-head.

What is it, Lord? 

As I was asking the Spirit of God to counsel my soul and lead me into all Truth, I was struck with a memory from my childhood.  More a feeling than a visual memory, actually.  This feeling of irritability and unsettledness feels faintly familiar, Lord...

In my mind's eye, I could just see and feel that 16 year old girl riding her "every-other-weekend" ride to her dad's house.  That was the agreement.  We would go every-other-weekend and see Dad.  And, we would see him the weekends before Easter, Thanksgiving and Christmas... maybe even Christmas eve.  

That's it!  That is where I have felt this way before!    

That Friday after school would come and almost like clockwork, I would get frustrated, irritable and self-centered.  I remember feeling puzzled even at the time.  I wasn't even close to aware or conscious of it, like I am now.  But, it would happen.  And, I would ride that long ride and feel those hard feelings and begin the decent into disconnect.  

This is how I have been feeling the last few days.  

You see... these last two weeks we traveled far and gathered with a group of people we rarely see and yet, strangely, love deeply.  We connected quickly and we prayed together.  I listened and I heard hearts.  I walked alongside some of my favorite people on this globe.  And, then... on Friday,  I got on a plane and flew away from that far away place.  

I flew away---flew 'home'-- to another place I love... to be among another group of people I love and care for deeply.   Welcomed home with love, we reconnected with a warm embrace and tender words.  Ahh!  home!   But, two of my worlds seem to be hanging heavy on my fragile and full heart.  Pulling and tugging---making me want to descend into that dark self-centered, disconnected, irritated place.  ...to hide in that teenage shell of "I don't care. and What-e-ver!"

But, I do care.  I do care very much.  And, I am sad that we can't all live together in one big villa!  My two, three and four worlds that live within my heart ...

I dreamt about it last night.  In my dream I saw friends and family from across the earth.  Strange combinations: friends and family from here. from there. and from there.  ...all together, interacting with each other, in a crazy mixed up dream---my psyche just trying to make order from the colliding worlds.   

I do care very much.  

I did care... and still do care deeply... for my dad.  I was desperate to see him those "every-other-weekends".  But, the coming and goings of my life tugged just too hard sometimes on my heart and it hurt--- it hurts---just too much sometimes.

ugh...this nomadic life:  the comings and the goings.  Our hearts were not made for good-byes.  

Maybe this is why I have been feeling a bit irritable these last few days...  

Chicken from God's Hand

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So, I have a pretty lengthy list of food allergies.   I have only figured this out in the last few years and am so glad for blood tests that have confirmed and helped the process.  But, it is still a bit new.  And, although I am deeply grateful to have this information about myself, it has been a bumpy, hill-and-valley-filled journey toward receiving this 'gift' with thankfulness.

It does make life a bit harder, to be sure.  And, it pushes hard on my 'don't be a bother' issue---  I am the one who is a bother when it comes to meal times.  I simply can't just eat anything these days.  And, it pushes on my 'I can't have a weakness' issue---In fact, I have weakness for all to see and witness at every meal time.  Pushing on these issues is good and right.  Pushing on these wounds, and others, is Loving!  But, it hasn't been an easy road. 

When I travel,  it becomes even more fraught with difficulties.  But, my loving Father continues to show me His care over even this mundane aspect of my life.  Food.

He talks alot about food in His word, have you ever noticed?  He talks about His provision and His care of food.  He talks about His gifts of food and His using food to nourish.  He talks about food's importance and it's place in our lives.  He also talks about being our food... He, Himself... our food.   He shares with us that He is sweeter than the very best earthly food. 

So, with an upcoming trip approaching came a dialogue with my Father about my food.  As we talked about my food---or my food allergies--- I felt a distinctly, determined faith rising up within my soul.  I truly felt His Spirit was placing in me a stubborn commitment to not worry about what I would eat.  I sensed an invitation to trust Him more. 

He would provide.  He was my good Shepherd and would provide exactly the food I needed in the pasture He was taking me.

But, I still planned.  And, I still prepared.  I made us a lovely breakfast for our 4 am train ride... including beautiful, egg-free, dairy-free, gluten-free, corn-free, sugar-free pumpkin muffins.  I was ready!

Until... in the midst of the 3 AM brain frog and haste of leaving, I forgot that lovely, full bag of food in my refrigerator. It is still sitting there as I write this! 

The minute I remembered it (on our way to catch the train), I felt such grief!  And, mingled in the grief...was the thought...  How in the world am I going to eat!?  What am I going to eat on this train and plane flight?! 

My head literally dropped down to my knees and I wanted to cry.  Worry and fear where hanging close by ready to jump.  Quicker still and stronger, though, was a tender thought that wafted across my mind.  I am Your Good Shepherd.  Trust me.  I will provide for you. 

I knew this was an opportunity.  This too was a practical, beautiful opportunity to fall head first into the invitation of trust from my Heavenly Father! 

So, in those wee hours, as we rode along that dark road to the train station, I opened my hands and told my sweet Father that I would trust Him.   Father, I trust You today. 

You should have seen the beautiful chicken breast dinner that was delivered to my airplane seat as we began our 11 hour plane flight that day!!  Truly it was miraculous.  I could eat it all... a tray full of delicious airplane food (I know, an oxymoron!) that I could eat.

He had led me into this pasture and was providing food for me.  He was delivering manna right to my airplane seat...  and it tasted wonderful!

He cares about this... even this.  He is my Shepherd.  He is your Shepherd, today, my friends.  Right where you are--- in your pasture--- He will provide all you need.  

I am learning, Father.  Thank you for teaching me.  And, thank you for using hard things to lead me forward in this lesson of faith.