Increase Your Store

This morning I was feeling weak. I came to the Lord wondering, "Who am I!" and "What in the world am I doing"... Thoughts like, "I don't know how to pray!...Why would you call ME to a ministry of prayer!" "I can't move again, Lord. I can't meet all these new people". I felt weak and maybe a bit worn.

I am so grateful for my morning times with the Lord. Truly they are an anchor. God uses them to wrap His truth around me and belt me in, much like the "belt of truth" that we are called to wear in Ephesians. I remember this being described once as a belt that sailors would use in a storm. They would tie themselves to the mast of the boat. The belt would anchor them to the ship. It would hold them firm as wind and waves crashed in around them. He is my belt of truth in the mornings.

This morning He wrapped this passage around my waist, "Now he who supplies seed to the sower and bread for food will also supply and increase your store of seed and will enlarge the harvest of your righteousness" 2 Corinthians 9:10. My heart was moved instantly! It is His supply. He supplies my seed... my ability, my time, my energy, my desire, my food, my every need. It is all from Him.

The context of this verse is about giving or sowing generously. So, He said to my heart through His word this morning... Stephanie, sow GENEROUSLY. Sow your gifts, your money, sow your time, sow your energy and sow your heart. Give it! I have given it to you. AND... I will not only provide what you need for tomorrow too, I will INCREASE your store of seed and enlarge your harvest of righteousness.

I tend to hold on to my energy... only use this much, Lord. It is my attempt to be ready for what tomorrow might hold. I tend to hold tightly to my heart and my time... only give this much, Lord. It is my attempt to be careful about what I might have to give tomorrow. But, this is not what God has for me. "For he that sows generously will also reap generously" 2 Cor. 9:6

God is not calling me to be careful with my self today. He is calling me to give. I am weak, YES. But, in my weakness He is strong! I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. So, in His strength, through His seed, I can give of myself in all ways today. I don't have to look at tomorrow and worry if I will have enough. He will supply all my needs and even increase my store!

"Almighty God, through the power of your Holy Spirit you enable us to do and be more than we can think or imagine. Come now, dwell within us, and make us strong to do your work and will. Through Christ our Lord. Amen." ~from A Guide to Prayer

Fresh Air

Twice today I was given the privilege to pray with a friend. God has given us to each other. The concept of the Body of Christ is amazing and wonderful. When I sit with a friend and pray, it is like fresh air to my soul. It has refreshed me, reminded me and called me to worship.

I do really enjoy being alone with the Lord. I enjoy times of quiet and just sitting with Him by myself. But, I know He made me to be with others. To grow with others and to learn from others is so key to my make up.

This afternoon I talked with a friend who is enjoying a nine month Sabbatical. It is such fun to hear the ways that God is speaking with her, stretching her and growing her. And then we prayed! What a blessing. So, I guess that means three times today!! What fun. What a sense of renewal and a breath of fresh air.

Why don't we do this together more often?

No Matter What

"No matter what. Wherever you go... What ever you do... Who ever you become... I will always love you." Dave has been whispering this same statement into my children's ears for most of their lives. They can finish the statement. They listen, they smile and then he gets to the last part they often say with him, "I will always love you."

As I sat with the Lord this evening, these words invaded my time with Him like a warm, powerful wind. You see, I am very accustomed to relying on my works, my purity, my right choices and my goodness to get God's favor. Some of the hardest times for me are when I sit before the Lord after a period (short or long) of being "away". I haven't been away for long and I didn't run too far, but my heart has been inclined to wander, to worry and to worship other things this past week. I have sat with Him many times this week and yet,... often only moments after arising from my "quiet time" my heart if far away. Disobedient. Tired. Disinterested. Grumpy and Complaining. Worried. Frustrated.

So, I came to my Father tonight with my head bent low and a "I am sorry" feeling engulfing my soul. Oh, Lord, how do you put up with me, my heart said to Him. It was then that this "Daddy" mantra came to my mind...

No matter what! No matter where you go, what you do or who you become... I will always love you.

I don't questions Dave's love for his children and I don't distrust this truth that he speaks into their hearts each night before bed. I can see him daily following through on this promise. I can easily imagine him following through on his promise through the years. So, why do I question God and what He says? "I will always be with you", He says. "If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!" (Luke 11: 13) The Holy Spirit is what He gives to us to seal His promise of forever love!

As I sit here and think on this very concept I am moved to worship. What a Father we have! What a loving, good and kind Father! I praise you tonight Lord for You are the Faithful One. You, my Father, are Love and I adore you. Thank you for loving me no matter what!

Extravagant Love

The other day we were invited to have dinner out. It isn't that we can't afford a restaurant exactly... But, wanting to be careful in the choices we make with our finances... Ugh. A "check" in my Spirit, you might call it. I didn't feel the freedom to go out for dinner. Just hours before we had been talking about the fact that all our money is God's money. It is all His! It is a good thing to remember when the many things to buy, to do and to eat are calling out for consumption in this land o' plenty! I had also struggled with a bought of worry this week after a peek at our finances. So, I felt the heaviness of a decision of eating out that night.

Discussing the "dinner plan" decision in the car was no help at all. I mean, come on Mom!, the decision was ...Leftovers at home. Or dinner out with friends...? Anyone can guess what the kids' vote was! But, this isn't a democracy, right?!

And, so I found myself in a conversation with God. He is the owner... why not ask Him what He thought about us using His money to eat out. Lord, would you have us go to dinner tonight? What would you like us to do with your money tonight? No answer. Stillness and peace, but no answer. (minus the "voting" going on in the back seat of the car).

I walked in the front door and on the ground in front of me was an envelope. An envelope had come in the mail from some friends and can you guess what was inside? Cash. No joke. In it was money and a note telling us that we were loved. The note told us to use the money for a night out, ...maybe an ice cream! The note insisted we use it for something 'extra' and unnecessary. I knew instantly that God was answering me. He was saying "yes" this time. He had answered my question. Why does this still surprise me?

Extravagant love. It was extravagant love from my friends who thought to send it. It was extravagant love from my Father who delivered it through the mail slot just at the perfect time in response to my question... knowing all along that I would ask Him. It was a relatively "small" gift that felt exceedingly extravagant and communicated love to my heart. Thank you Lord! You do own it all!

Just plain angry

"I never want to move again!", screaming with tears our daughter expressed verbally what we all were feeling. We were packing. Hard decisions needed to be made. What do we take? What do we store? What do we give away? But, always when we do this packing and moving thing, the most difficult thing to "store... or give away" is the people. Leaving the relationships are the hard decision that we have to make.

"I am just so mad!", she yelled. "I just want to live in the same place with all the people I love and for no one ever to move again. I want all my family, all my friend and everyone I love to live in the same place forever!". She wept. She was angry.

How do you respond to a sweet tempered ten year old when they are screaming out with such sadness and anger? My husband wisely just invited her on to his lap and held her as she cried. She cried. And she cried. This isn't the first time she has expressed outwardly the difficulties of this aspect of our career. So Dave held her. Then he simply said, "I know. I feel the same way!". The words were like the "Be still" that Jesus spoke to the wind and the waves! Looking up at him, in his arms, she said, "Really!". Instant calm.

Sometimes it is just good to know you are not alone. It is good to know that what you are feeling is normal. ...Or, at least, understood. This was enough to calm her emotions. She could sink deeper into his lap. They could talk again about God being her home. She could articulate her hope of heaven... the place where all those we love never have to move from! They could talk about her deep longings being from God. Right. Good. Pure longings. This frustration with separation was, in fact, "eternity written in her heart".

Lord, may we know you as our Rock. May we know you as our home. Be with our children and guide, protect and bless their hearts.

Disposition to Infidelity

I have been convicted recently of running to my "escape routes" again instead of running to God first. Why is this so natural? Each and every time I am sorry I didn't sit at Jesus' feet for a while... instead of that movie I watched... or instead of the Internet surfing.

And, yet, time and time again, I go to other things first. I am not talking law here. I know full well that neither the movie, nor the Internet are sin. But, I also know my heart. I know the whisper of God's call, "Come. Sit" that went unheeded as I chose to continue to read or play or eat or watch. I know my heart. Well, I actually I should say, I have been getting better acquainted with my heart.

In the sermon today, the preacher talked about our tendency toward "Entertainment rather than fulfillment". He asked, "How often to we seek entertainment instead of doing that which we know will truly fulfill us?"

Yes!, my heart said. This is what I do. I run to entertainment or recreation... rather than run to that which will truly satisfy, (or more accurately He who will truly satisfy) I forget that it is He who will truly re-create my mind. Real recreation.

I was reading this evening and again this theme was before my eyes... do ya think God is trying to tell me something!? Thomas Merton says,

"When we return to a frank and undisguised self-awareness, we confront ourselves as naked, insufficient, disgruntled and malicious beings. We see our stubborn attachment to ourselves and our disposition to infidelity. Even without acts of sin, we have in ourselves an inclination to sin and rebellion, an inclination to falsity and to evasion." I have felt this inclination to sin so strongly as of late. I have experienced the insufficiency in my own "will", "ability" and "intentions".

I have an inclination to falsity and to evasion.

Now the beauty of all this is that the story does not have to end there! On one end there is nakedness, insufficiency and disgruntled-ness... on the other end is an opportunity to walk as one clothed in Christ (Gal. 3:27). We have the option of resting in the All-Sufficient One and the privilege to be content in Him alone.

As Merton ends this very chapter he writes,

"We find ourselves lost and liberated in the infinite fullness of God's love. We escape from [sin] into the infinite space and freedom of grace and mercy."

From a disposition to infidelity to being lost and liberated in Love. From nakedness and insufficiency to the freedom of grace and spacious mercy! Amazing.

Bags, bags and more bags

What size should we buy? How many do we need? We have done this so many times, you would think that we have it down to a science, right? Nope. We still discuss. Disagree. Agree. Buy. And take back.

Walmart runs. Internet research. Target runs. Oh, and now we are moving up to Kohl's.

The backpacks for the kiddos broke on our trip back to the States and we are down to only a few duffels because they got beat up in New York. New York can be so mean! ...And so we buy. How big? How many? Will this one, when full, weigh more than the required 50 lbs? Oh! That reminds me that I need to borrow Grandma's scale so we can weight the bags.

And the the list goes on and on.

Packing is never a fun or easy part of this fabulous life God has called our family. Not fun. Not easy, but very necessary. So, we list make, we plan, we pack, we unpack and then re-pack. We weigh. We get angry and then we repack to weigh again! We laugh. We cry. We pray. We discuss. And we keep packing!

As I write this post, I have a song playing in the background. Amy Nobels is singing, "Ask and I will give you the Nations... Oh Lord, that is the cry of my heart. Distant shores and the islands will see You Light as it rises on us. You said, Ask and I will give the Nations to you. Oh, Lord, that is the cry of my heart!" What a good reminder to my soul, my heart and my mind... This is why we are doing what we are doing! All this packing and all these harried "lists" are in some crazy way for Your Glory, Lord.

May we do these things as unto You alone! May we pack, repack, buy bags and weigh our luggage all to Your glory. Fill my heart with a knowledge of Your Presence, Your Honor and Your glory. It is all for you, Lord. You and Your promises to the Nations.

Listening vs Hearing

"I always love to listen to you speak. Not that I can hear all you say... I can't! But, I love to listen to you speak."

This was said to my husband on Wednesday after we had the privilege of speaking at a prayer meeting. The sweet older woman must have been in her 90's and was clearly very hard of hearing.

With genuine kindness, though, she wanted Dave to know how much she loved it when we came. She anticipated it. She listened and loved it. But, she couldn't hear it all. She wished she could. But, she loved it none-the-less.

My heart felt so tender as he told me the story. Simple sweetness. I laughed out loud at her comment. What a perplexing paradox... I love to listen to you, but I can't hear you!

It struck me almost instantly that this is my heart toward God.

I love to hear Him speak. I do. I love to listen and I want to hear more. If God were to come to my church, I would make it a priority to show up!

What is crazy is that I know He shows up at church. I know He is everywhere and always present. He is always speaking. I love to listen to Him. But, I don't hear all He has to say. I just can't. My ears don't work very well when it comes to His voice and His truth. I know I miss so, so much of what He is saying... and still, I love to listen to Him speak.

Lord, open my ears. May I learn the tone of Your voice. May I listen for You more frequently Lord, as I listen for You to speak... may I hear You, may I hear all You have to say and not miss a thing.

One Thing

So many things to ask. My mind was racing this morning with a list of things to talk with God about. So many things to ask.

And then I read, "One thing I ask of the Lord, this is what I seek. That I may dwell in the house of the Lord and see His beauty". I was reminded, again, of the "one needful thing" that Martha was reminded of as Mary sat at Jesus' feet. She just sat there adoring Him. She sat at His feet listening. She wanted to know Him, listen to His voice, hear what He was thinking.

This was the one needful thing that Martha missed that day. I miss it often, too. My "Martha-ness" and "Mary-ness" always a bit at war. Not that I can't ask my many questions or even tell Him about my "list". His word tells me to share all my cares and to ask anything of Him. But, I was reminded to ask first for the one thing I really need. So I did.

I sat and tried to just listen. He is real, right? He is present always, right? I know this in my head. I know this from His word and His promises. I even have experienced it personally. So, why do I miss it so often. Why is it so hard to sit and enjoy Him.

It had to be a choice this morning. A choice that my heart wanted. A choice motivated mostly by true desire, but a choice none-the-less. So, I sat in the quiet. I disciplined my mind to worship. With much difficulty and easily distracted, I sat. It started slowly as I, almost mechanically, began to articulate His attributes, His goodness. I started to tell Him why I love Him. And, then in an instant I was really adoring. Something had changed from the mechanical to the real. I was really enjoying Him and my heart was, for a moments time, undisturbed and focused in worship.

In that moment I was able to ask for One Thing from Him. All I wanted from Him in that moment was Himself. I wanted His glory, His beauty and His presence. My heart and therefore my mind was set heavenward.

And then we talked about my list...

Blessed be the Name

photo source

Imagine living on the steps of Western China. You live almost entirely isolated. You and your family and your sheep. One early morning as the sun rises, you hear the approach of a horse and rider. As he approaches you can see the slight smile on his face. As he swiftly dismounts he calls out words declaring he has good news! Good news! ...Your best friend has had her child... The enemy located on the other side of the valley has left... The village elder is well and the sickness has not taken him. In old Kazakh culture you were required to give a large gift to any bearer of good news. Of course, you would instinctively run in your yurt and find a gift for this dear deliverer of good news.

Well, we would be out a few hundred dollars this week if we practiced this wonderful custom! Good news has been flooding into our home...

Two pieces of VERY good news has brought much rejoicing in the last 24 hours! We have actually had more than one "victory dance" displayed in our living room! (Can you just picture Dave doing a victory dance?!) Thank you, Lord, our hearts rejoice. Ah, Thank you, Jesus, I whisper with relief and gratefulness. Tears of joy. Smiling from ear to ear. Good news!

On the heels of hearing good news, I was worshiping this morning. So distinctly, the song "Blessed be the Name of the Lord" came to my mind. God used the words of this song to powerfully remind me of an important truth in the midst of our good news. Today, "the sun is shining down on me and the world is all that it should be". For me right now, "The streams of abundance flow!" and I want to turn back and praise, saying "Blessed be the Name of the Lord".

Blessed be the Name of One who knows all All, who is All powerful, who is love. Blessed be the Name of the One who is Present, the One who is good and the One who hears, who sees. Blessed be the Name of the One who answers prayers!

After worship, I had the chance to talk to my sweet cousin whose baby is in the hospital with severe seizures and no answer. My heart was torn with such deep sadness as we talked. I can't even put myself in her situation and relate to what it might be to sit and watch your son in this situation.

As we talked and she shared about God's sustaining grace, my heart welled up with the truth that the Lord had so pointedly reminded me of earlier... "When the darkness closes in... When I am found in the desert place and when I walk through the wilderness"... still I will say!! my heart will choose to say!! ..."Blessed be your Name" She is saying this. She is sitting in a hospital with her dear one hooked up to monitors and wondering about his future. And still she chooses to say!...Blessed be the Name of One who knows all All, who is All powerful, who is love. Blessed be the Name of the One who is Present, the One who is good and the One who hears, who sees. Blessed be the Name of the One who answers prayers!

Every blessing you pour out, I will turn back to Praise. And, when the darkness closes in, Lord, still I will say, Blessed be the Name of the Lord!

We bless your Name, Lord Jesus!

Freedom of Worship

As I sat with the Lord this morning, I poured out my requests to Him. I ask for this person's salvation, the rescue of that marriage, the health of this one, and the finances of another... the more I asked the more overwhelmed I began to feel. Lord, the requests are never ending... the needs, the pain, the difficulty acute. I felt heavy laden and burdened. It is not my load this morning that weighs my heart, but the loads, the Mac-truck load of others.

And then I read... "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort" (2 Cor. 1). And, I decided to praise. I chose to just worship. Any small amount of compassion that I feel this morning is from Him. He owns it! He is the "Father of compassion and comfort". I confessed to Him that He was Lord, He was big, His plans are higher than mine and His ways are most certainly greater. Ah, the release of worship and surrender!

And... then I kept reading... "God, who raises the dead!...On Him we have set our hope that He will deliver us". He can raise the dead. No! It says "he raises" the dead. He is now raising the dead! He is always, faithfully, consistently, steadily raising the dead. A spiritually dead heart, Lord? YES! A dying body, Lord? YES! A dying or dead marriage, Lord? YES! All of this is in His hand and within His capacity to do. And it just got better... as I kept reading... "No matter how many promises God has made they are "yes" in Christ. Now, it is God who makes both us and you stand firm in Christ". My heart knew freedom as I realized anew that I don't have to carry these burdens. I can hand them to a God who is compassionate and who can raise the dead! I can hand them to a Father who says "yes" to all His promises through the life and sacrifice of Christ. I can cast these cares onto the One who cares. Ah!... the freedom of worship!

And finally I read... "We live by faith, not by sight" (1 Cor. 5). I so naturally live by sight. I see the people. I see the problems, the hurdles, the struggles, the circumstances and the pain. I see with my eyes. But, God wants me to look with my soul and my heart. He wants me to trust Him and to look on each one with eyes of faith. For my faith is in the Faithful One, my kind Father... the Father of compassion. Stop looking with your eyes, Stephanie and look with your spirit, your soul, with your heart. ...with a heart surrendered to me. ...with a heart that trusts me.

So, I choose to worship this morning. I choose to hand over the dear ones in my life. I choose to hand over the unsaved loved one, the sick one whom I love, the weak one who doesn't know how to fight the enemy of their soul, the one who has been a wounded and hurt, and the one who wonders where their next meal will come from... to my Father, who I trust, I give them! I hand them to You, Father. And I ask you to raise the dead today!

Peace Offered

Today I feel at peace. I shouldn’t feel peaceful. Things in my life are a just a bit higgly-piggly with this, that and the other… I should be worried and harried. But, somewhere deep within I feel at peace. This morning I realized the peace. I realized my heart was full and I was overwhelmed with worship. Ah, Lord, this is your sustaining peace! Just a gift! Thank you for the peace that surpasses understanding.

This week has been a difficult one for me. Throughout the week, I have had to specifically and consistently give my cares and concerns to the Lord. I have had to hand over the details. I have had to physically hold out my hands and entrust my life, my family and my circumstances to the Lord many times these past few days. He has given me peace which has been “fought” for throughout the week. I have been grateful for that. He offers peace when we hand our anxieties to Him. Peace offered. And, sometimes He just gives it as a gift. It is just a grace given that is hard to explain, beyond understanding.

We have been offered such an amazing gift in peace. Both that peace which is fought for and peace which is a gift. Christ tells His disciples that His peace is not anything like what the world has to offer. I can testify to this. The "world’s" peace (i.e. my escape routes, for example) gives me short-lived peace. The world's peace is not one that sits in your gut and fills you up to full. His peace is so much more. His peace is miraculous and beyond our understanding.

Thank you Lord that you offer us a sustaining peace. Thank you Lord for your peace. I testify to the fact that you are the giver of sustaining, filling and complete peace.

Journey of a Control Freak

I am such a control freak. Seriously, though. I am.

Most of the time I am sly in my controlling behaviors. Once in a while I am an out-and-out, in your face, control freak.

Yesterday, the out-and-out control freak girl reared her ugly head! Yesterday I was determined to control our departure date and all the details that surround it. In this pursuit, I was instantly angry with anyone who got "in my way". Of course, the most natural "someone" in this circumstance is my husband and I was angry at him.

The whole day I felt the tug of conviction. From my good, kind Heavenly Father, I felt the pull of "come, sit with me..." and yet... I basically ignored it.

I planned. I schemed. I researched. I plotted. ...This scenario and that scenario.

This was all done in the guise (or is there a bit of pure motive here?) of making all things work together for the good of those I love. Oh, but my heart was in control! I was going to figure it out. I was going to come up with the best plan possible.

And then, my husband crossed me. How dare he disagree with my grand, divine and perfect plans?! He dared to ask me if he could have a bit of a "say" in our decisions. How dare him! And, so I got angry. A knee jerk, internal, intense angry. At that point I wasn't really aware of what was going on in my heart. I wasn't aware that I was holding tightly. I wasn't aware that I was determined to control our destiny. I just simply thought he was wrong.

Then came the still small voice whispering into my heart, my soul, my mind... "surrender", it said. "Submit", it hearkened. "Stop. Be still and know that I am God".

I heard it, finally. I had to stop. I had to listen to this sweet call from my Father. I actually bowed my head and told Him He was God and that He was in control, not me. I opened my hands, literally, and "gave" to Him all my plans, all my dates, my schemes and my good things.

Instantly I knew His peace again.

I knew He was good... somewhere deep, far and wide in my soul I knew that He was big. I knew He was loving and that He would work all things together for my good, one whom He loves dearly. I found peace once again. Release. Faith. Hope. Peace.

And, then, of course, came sincere repentance and an apology to my husband. As always, he forgave me. Amazing, really. Quick, ready and love-filled forgiveness. Truly, amazing.

Ah! Father, this control freak has so much to learn. Teach me. Thank you for being in control and having all the answers. Thank you that I can hand it all to you. You have good plans and I can trust You. Thank you, Lord.

Escape Route

Sometimes I just feel like escaping.

I used to describe this feeling as wanting to "get into bed, pull the covers over my head and go to sleep for a very long time". I also use to describe this feeling as "getting on a bus and going to Chicago". (I truly have no idea why Chicago... but, Chicago it was!)

Now, I just call it what it is...escape. I want to run away. Run away from exhaustion. Run away from responsibilities. Run away from expectations and cares. I simply want to escape.

The feeling can creep up on me after a long, tiring day. Or the feeling can be "hanging around a lot lately" and become a bit of a new norm, depending on what I am facing. I have felt it creeping up these last few days. The feeling is here and now, the only real and important question that remains is to where do I escape!

My escape routes have varied through my life... some more damaging than others, to be sure! These days they are quite benign. Benign, that is, from an outside look.

I run to my husband. I run to cleaning and organizing craziness. I run to the television, a movie or a book. I run to a game on the computer. I run to the candy box or the Doritos bag.

But, these escapes are damaging my soul. I feel it. Of course, these places of escape are not sin in-and-of-themselves. Certainly my marriage, my television and the Doritos bag are not sin! It is when my heart worships them by escaping to them first, that they quickly become my sin of choice. They are my idols. From them I am seeking comfort, rest, and solace. To them I escape.

I know from experience that when I truly seek Him first, seek His kingdom and face first, seek His Presence and voice first...then and only then do I find true comfort, rest, and solace. I know from experience that He is truly the "one needful thing" (Luke 10).

So, why do I run to the others so quickly? Is it because they are easier? Is it because they "taste good" and are numbing? Is it because they are more natural to me, or trained in me? I don't know.

All I know is that the more I escape into the other things first, the more natural it becomes. It feels like "a must" to turn on a movie or go to the candy box... because recently that has been my first choice. I train myself to run to other things.

What I do know is that I want to learn to run to Him first.

I want to learn to sit at His feet and "choose the better" thing, as Mary did. He says to Martha that "this" sitting at His feet would not be taken from her. I want real comfort, real rest and real solace that will not be taken away... living water, lasting bread and wisdom from heaven. I know I can find this in seeking Him alone, ...first.

Teach me Holy Spirit to seek You first. Make me keenly aware when I am escaping to anything before I have escaped into You, my rock, my refuge, my strong tower.

Miriam's Stuff

Apparently she had a tambourine (Ex.15). She had pots and pans. She had a hand mill and a mortar for the manna (Num.11). She had shoes, tents, and bedding. She must have washed her self with something, her pans with something and maybe she had a broom to sweep the floor of the tent? We can assume she combed her hair. She had stuff. Granted she didn't have as much stuff as I have! But, she did have stuff.

I can't look at Numbers 10 and not wonder what this was like for Miriam and the other Israelite women as the journeyed through the desert for 40 years. Numbers 10 tells us that at the Lord's command the pillar of cloud and fire lifted and they "set out". It tells us that the pillar, God's direction, could stay put for a day, a month or a year... they just did not know. God knew. It was at His command. But day-to-day they did not know. At His command, the pillar would rise and they would set out.

What was this like for the ladies. Can you just hear it... "Oh, dear, the pillar is moving... gather up the bedding, gather up the pots and pans. Our combs will fit in the pans... let's see the mortar can be wrapped in the blankets...". Can you just imagine the chaos? Can you just hear the hustle and bustle. The... now, where is my comb? Aaron where did you put your outer garment? Where should I put my mill?

We think that we see the movement of our "pillar", we think that the cloud is beginning to move and we will be setting out very soon. Like Miriam, I have stuff. Maybe too much stuff. I begin to think... okay, how do we get all this stuff there? What do I do with all our books? Do I take all of them? What do I store here, what do I take with? Combs, brushes, makeup, earrings, clothes, socks, undies, jacket, sweater, long underwear ... oh, and how many Ranch dressing packets do I take? Do I take the muffin pans? What about homeschooling stuff? Will we ship them? Will we take them as luggage on the airplane? Okay, and the kids stuff... oh, my, the toys! Can we take the microscope he got for his birthday? Will it break? The stuffed animals... Do we take them all? What bags do we use... do we box it all? We have collected so much since we "encamped" in California these last few months...

Hustle and bustle. Questions and noise.

I am sure that the hustle and bustle of it all may have been at times (maybe each time?) frustrating for the Israelites. The certainly were not immune to complaining and grumbling! Did Miriam feel rushed and harried by it all? To be sure, to live in such a manner for 40 years was not convenient or easy. Did they learn to rest in the knowledge that He was leading them...

Scripture tells me that I can do all things with Christ's peace as a reigning force, a protection and a stabilizing reality. The Prince of Peace can walk with me in this. He is with me... even more real than a pillar of cloud. His Presence is within me. His peace can guard my heart and my mind. Remind me of this, Lord. The movement of the cloud is bringing noise to my soul. May I walk in your peace as we begin to set out.

Little much afraid

For so long I have asked the Lord to "wait well". I am not a patient person by nature. Part of God's school for me these last few months has been lessons in patience and waiting, through His strength. The journey has been up and down... one of faithful, soul-expanding steps forward, doubt-filled moments and even some good ol' pity parties.

Now, we are moving ahead again, actually able to start planning for a real departure and I am experiencing new ups and downs. Excitement. Up. Fear. Down. Worry. Down. Anticipation. Up. Relief. Up. Exhaustion. Down. Up and down. I am so thankful that I serve, follow and am loved by a stable, rock, steadfast God!

I realized yesterday that when I look ahead at our future and am aware of my heart, I am afraid. I fear the unknown. I fear being uncomfortable and new. I am afraid of new relationships and the hiccups that come with new relationships. I am afraid of failure. I am afraid of unhappiness. I am afraid of the unknown and the known. These are not new fears. I have moved overseas a few times now, have made new friends a bazillion times, and have started with new job roles and new teams. You would think I was used to it all. I am not. I am much afraid. But fear never has to have the last word. True love casts out all fear.

Do not fear, He whispers.
I know, He says.
I am with you, He says. I've been uncomfortable, unhappy and "new", as well. I know you and I know what is ahead. Do not fear, I am with you.

His kind, whispers are good for my soul. He whispers and I remember. I remember Him. I remember all He has done before... all He has given me. The fear is softened. The "much" fear is lessened, even extinguished, with the knowledge of Him, His presence, His strength.

I believe, Lord, help me with my unbelief. May I walk in your true love, may I walk in Your strength alone. May I know your presence.

Answers

We got it. After four months of waiting, we got it! Amazing. Our company has received permission to invite us and we should be only 4 weeks away from a visa in hand. I cried when I heard the news. It was like a cloud burst of emotion. Unstoppable joy. Relief. Release.
He answers prayer. I knew He would. He has been growing this hope in me these last few years. I knew He would answer. How and when were the only remaining things to be seen. I knew He would answer. He always does.
The truth is He has been answering my prayers all along. He answered when I asked Him to be my rock of stability in the uncertainty. He was my rock. He answered when I wasn’t sleeping well and asked to sleep. He didn't give me sleep, but He taught me more about prayer. He taught me to rely on Him the next day when I was exhausted. He answered when I asked Him to be Present and to be my strength. He has been very present, even if unfelt at times, very present. He has been my strength. Did He answer more today than He has these past four months? Nope, I don't think so. He has always been answering. He just chose to answer "yes" and "now", today.
I asked Him this morning for a miracle. I asked Him to answer today. I asked Him to release the visas and He did it. (No, it isn't the first time I have asked) The crazy truth is that He did it before I ever asked. The permission had been given before I asked this morning. But, He tells me to ask. He heard my prayers and He responded. I don't get it! But, I love it.
>My kids ask me for gum almost 4 times a day. I don't give it to them every time they ask, but I fully intend to give it to them at some point. They know I will answer. They know I will say "no" sometimes and "yes" other times. And, they keep asking. They are learning to trust my answers to them. They are beginning to get that my "no" and my "yes" are not random. I say "no" when it is morning time before we have even had lunch. I say "no" directly after they have just finished the last piece. Sometimes, I say "no" just so their little bodies don't get a mini-addiction, so they "have" to have it after every meal (like my morning coffee). My "no" and my "yes" are not random and my cuties are beginning to trust that. Me, too, Lord.
The verse I read this morning as I cried out to Him telling Him how "done" I was and asking Him for a miracle, was in Psalm 145. It says that the Lord is near to all who call... to all who call on Him in truth. I was struck by the need to be honest and real with my Father. So, I told Him all I was feeling. He listened. He answered. His answer was not only in the permission later this morning. He answered in that moment this morning. He answered with Himself. I am beginning to trust.
I am certain I will be in "this place" of asking for miracles many more times in the future. Lord, teach me to know you are a God who answers. Lord, teach me to look for Your answers... all of them. May I look for your "no", may I look for your provisions, Your Presence and Your strength.

Amnesia

I was just struck today by what a complainer I am. I don't naturally complain much out loud (not that I can't do this too!), but I complain a lot in my heart.

I complain in my heart when the shower doesn't work quite right or when my kids left their towels on the floor "again"! I complain in my heart when I splash bleach on a pair of my favorite pants and when I just don't feel like schooling my kids today... my heart is complaining. I complain when my husband makes plans with a friend that are just a bit inconvenient for me and when my feet hurt from standing on them all day.

It brings to mind the sounds of a whining child who wants "just one more piece of candy", when he just finished a handful a few minutes ago. I look at this child and think "Really?? Are you not thankful for all you just had? Isn't' it enough!" Hmmm....

The problem really is the balance between the reality of life's little (or big) frustrations and a complaining heart.

Where does one end and the other begin? Where is the balance?

It is okay, of course, to be frustrated when I splash the bleach on my pants... but how much frustration, for how long and how many times do I need to notice it and say "dang!". I don't know.

What I do know is that generally I don't live the balance and I so want to. I want to live in and with a thankful heart. When I allow my frustration to overtake the worship or thankfulness, is that the line?

My friend refers often to a fond phrase, "spiritual amnesia". We just forget. We forget who God is, who we are and we forget what is important. We knew it this morning as we sat in His word and then we just forget. This is what I am processing as I ponder my complaining heart.

What would it be like if I so deeply trusted the Lord, so truly worshipped Him alone, and was living in thankfulness? Would the bleach spot have any affect on me?

I painted a black dot on my thumbs today in the attempt to use it as a physical reminder of worship and thankfulness. I wanted to notice it and whisper to the Lord, "I love you!", "I trust you", or "Thank you, Lord". It worked for half the day... and then I forgot. Did I see it and forget or did I just not see it?

I am not advocating law here... there is much, much grace from our faithful, kind Father in this learning curve to be sure! I am just wanting more. I want to live..."Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." Always, continually and in all circumstances... I want to remember. I want to not live in a state of amnesia.

Much has been given

Today I had the privilege to attend my little brother's graduation from USC. What a joy! There were many different speakers and many words spoken. One word, though, stuck with me and affected my behavior even this evening. The Valedictorian spoke of the responsibility we have to our Creator (he called it Providence) to use the gifts we have been given to help others. It was such a simple message; and yet, it was delivered eloquently and with passionate exhortation. He reminded the students that their hard work, their intellect and the opportunities they now had did not afford them pride in their success, but instead required humility, gratitude and generosity. You have no right to claim these gifts as from you; but, instead given to you to be used for the good of others. He quoted the passage in Scripture that says, "To whom much has been given, much will be required". Now, even though his use of this passage was a slightly out of context, it was powerful none-the-less.
The phrase "blessed to be a blessing" swims around in my head as I sit here thinking about the point he was making. I have been blessed beyond blessed. I have been blessed with wealth, a keen mind, a tender heart, a healthy body, a happy marriage, two amazing kids, a large number of people who love me, and the growing knowledge of my Father, the Almighty God, creator of heaven and earth. The blessings are innumerable.
I can be so very selfish. I can hold too tightly to my money (how ironic given that we are living on the support of so many open handed people!). I can hold too tightly to my time, my comfort and my sleep! I naturally give when it is easy, but stumble to bless others if it hurts or is inconvenient. Oh, I have much to learn! These blessings, these gifts, they are not mine. I am not my own. I have been bought with the blood of my precious Saviour.
As I walked out of the grocery store this evening with a cart full of food that I could afford to buy, I was reminded of this morning's striking speech. The thought was clear. You have been given much! I passed the kind, gentle man who sat there collecting money for homeless ministry and it was a natural desire to give back. As I walked up to him and asked him how his evening was going, he said (as a bit of God's word to my heart), "I am blessed!".
I am blessed. I have been given much and much is required of me.
Lord, give me eyes to see how I can be a blessing to others. Give me a generous heart and open hands.

War, Famine, Poverty and a Breaking Marriage

There are so many tragic things going on in the world. Wars. Famine. Poverty. But, it isn't the war in Pakistan or even the friend that is being persecuted in Asia that is on my heart this morning. My 'tragic thing' is the friend whose marriage is breaking up. I am deeply saddened by this news. It isn't just the breaking of a marriage that is tragic. It is the hardness of heart, the months of misery, the hundreds of harsh words and the unforgiveness that leads to such a break that feels heavy on my heart.

Marriages don't just break up one night. Marriages don't go from bliss to hell in one day. I know. I am married. I know that it takes a daily commitment to kindness, forgiveness and grace. I know that I have to watch my words. I know how mean I can be. I know how often I must hold my tongue and how equally often I need to apologize when I don't. I know I need to extend mercy and grace when he doesn't. I know that I need enjoy, celebrate, allow or even laugh at the differences between us. He never thinks of time. I always am thinking in time categories. When he doesn't put the coffee on... and he had promised to... I must remember, purposely, that it isn't because he doesn't love me. He just forgot. Grace. Mercy and Forgiveness. Daily.

I also keenly know those moments when we are arguing and I am thinking, seriously, "This is horrid!". When I know I am absolutely right and he is absolutely wrong. Those are moments when I have to ask God for a humility that is just not in me naturally. Those moments take much more than a cursory extension of grace. There are times when I have to cry out to my Lord, my strong and able Saviour, to ask for His love, His grace and His forgiveness. I need to be filled by His Spirit. I know these moments, too.

I have a fabulous marriage. I count myself as very blessed. I enjoy my husband and love him deeply. He is my best friend. He is my soul mate. But, we simply couldn't do this "marriage thing" without God's help. That is for sure! I know, without a doubt, that my daily times with Jesus are good for my soul, yes!; but, very good for my marriage as well!

When did they stop asking God for help? When did this couple stop bowing their knee in surrender? When did they stop submitting to their Lord and their spouse? When was the first time they forgot to apologize? What did they choose not to forgive? What were the words they chose to say in order to hurt? When did they simply choose to be right and not extend mercy? When did they decide that their spouse was supposed to bring all their happiness and contentment?

A broken marriage is a war. It is a famine. It is poverty. It is brokenness in such a sad and devastating way. And, just as war and famine are, it is unnecessary. Oh, Lord, What would it take to bring healing? What needs to be forgiven? What does Your grace need to cover?

Purple Alien

Leaving church this morning, my daughter said to me, "I am tired of being "the overseas worker" [different because of what we do for a living]. I instantly understood her comment and gave a hearty, "Yes, me too!" This morning in church she was, again, singled out and questioned about her experiences. Tell us about your average day in Turkey, Becka... they asked. She began to tell them about her crazy overseas life... you know, crazy stuff like "well, I get up in the morning and eat breakfast"... "then I go to school" and afterward "I play with my friends". They then pointed out to the other children how wonderful she is and what a special little girl she was. Ugh... she felt. Ugh... she thought. And, thus the statement as we left church this morning.
Our family laughed almost our whole ride home as Dave repeated the events of the morning with an awe-inspired, hollywood voice, over exaggerating teacher's response for comic relief: ..."Ooooo...Oh... wow... you eat breakfast!" and "school, ...Ahh... what an experience" and "Ooo.. Amazing! You play with friends". We all laughed and decided that, whether we like it or not, our calling has indeed made us aliens. Purple aliens, we all decided. My son poignantly commented that we (Dave and I) have chosen to be purple, but that they had had no choice. We agreed. They haven't chosen to be purple. We (God really) have chosen this for them. Having the experiences they have had, living the places they have, being in relationship with the people they have... they will always be purple. "Purple" is simply the color they are. There are places we go where their "purple-ness" is more noticed. There are other places where people have become accustomed to their color. They still prefer to not stick out,of course. A very human response... not very alien-like!
So, as the questions, the awe, and the "pointing out" is to be their lot in life, we talked about the fact that they need to interpret this as love. It is love, in fact, from this truly wonderful Body of Christ that has cared so genuinely and tangibly for us. It is love. So, they need to translate. Just as we had to translate Turkish into an English word in our heads, we need to trust that this "language" of question asking is one of love. The reason that the only question most people know how to ask me is, "Any news on your visas? and When do you leave?" is because they love me.
My sweet girl just wants to be an average little girl. And, she is. She just gets up in the morning, eats breakfast and plays with her friends. But, she also is a tint of purple and can't get away from it. Me, too.

I am an alien

My family and I just spent an hour walking the pier in Huntington Beach and I am exhausted. The tiredness isn't a physical one... but an emotional one. I am spiritually tired from one hour on Main Street. Why? What is it that makes me so exhausted in this setting?

I felt like an alien.

I felt totally out of place and tired after on hour.

Is it the noise? ...Noise for the ears and for the eyes. Is it the barrage of sights? Maybe it is because most of the sights, in fact, bring sadness to my soul as I look on. I am not sure.

I sit here now in my quiet living room and am reminded of something that Beth Moore said in a lesson this week... "We are not a culture very good at moderation". Is this what I was seeing?

It isn't just a person with one tattoo... he has covered his body with them. It isn't just a set of earrings or one piercing...she has covered her body. It isn't just a fit and healthy person,... it is someone who has obviously spent hours upon hours at the gym. Not just one place to buy shoes or shirts or sunglasses... but 20 different shops all with piles of new things to buy. It isn't just a pair of shorts to help with the heat, but shorts so short that we have an unwanted "show" as she walks in front of us. It isn't just a scoop of ice cream, but a mound of ice cream covered with syrups and sprinkles. It isn't just hand holding to show admiration and love, but full-on make out sessions for all to see. This is the barrage of sights that made me exhausted, I think.

What planet am I on? Who are these people and what is life like for them? I feel like an alien here. Truly. I am an alien and stranger. Am I totally alone in this feeling, I wonder. It isn't that I think tattoos, ice cream and shorts are wrong. Truly, I don't. But the excess is noise to my soul and I am tired.

Not that I am very good at moderation either. My excesses are just more easily hidden. I struggle with that "one" thought that I can't stop obsessing on... I struggle to stop at that handful of chips on my plate. Do I really need more? I struggle to enjoy that one handful of candy after dinner and find myself indulging. It is just gluttony. Do I really need one more pair of jeans? Do I really need to spend more time doing this or that... I could stop. Do I really need to plan (again) our schedule for tomorrow. Ahh... I need to learn to say, "that is enough for now".

Balance and Moderation. All to the glory of God. He says eat, drink and whatever you do can be done to His glory. I suppose if I grew in the area of moderation and balance, the sights and sounds of Huntington would be even more overwhelming. I guess when asking God to help me grow in this area, I am asking to become even more strange and alien-like. Am I okay with this?

Awareness

I had a dear friend and teammate while living in Istanbul, Turkey. She loved the music of a bird's songs. She could hear a bird call and she usually could make a good guess at what kind of bird was singing. She knew the robin's song! Imagine. She would say, with intense excitement, "Stop. Listen!!... that is a blue bird".

Without fail she would then stop whatever she was doing to look out a window, down an alley or in a nearby tree to search and find the vocalist.

I was always astonished when she would stop me to listen with her. I didn't get it. Not only could I not imagine learning a particular bird song, but I just simply don't naturally hear the birds around me at all.

Well... at least I didn't used to. Now I do. I am sitting here to write my blog and instead of writing what I sat down to write... I am struck by the melody of song outside my window. It is beautiful. It is sweet.

Isn't it interesting how we affect each other?!

We, as humans, have such a deep impact on each other. We can be totally unaware of our impact, for good or for bad. Yet, the impact is significant.

This friend had no idea the influence she was having on my soul when she turned my ears to the birds and my eyes to the sunset or the nearby flowers. This is a gift she gave to me by just being herself. She wasn't ever pointing it out for my benefit. She was just fully engaging in the world. She was simply living her life for me to witness.

She once told me that she had purposely learned the song of the robin in an attempt to train her ear to the voice of God.

Isn't that what I have received from her! It is as if she gave me a gift of awareness. By simply being with her, I learned from this friend that even my natural tendencies can be altered.

Once I was blind to the beauty of creation and now I see! Now I can't help but notice the song of birds, the color of flowers and the site of a stunning sunset. This encourages me to pursue and persevere in learning God's still small voice.

As I sit here and listen to the song of the birds a beautiful phrase is swimming in my mind, "Be still and know that I am God".

Again, there it is... be still. Sit still, Stephanie. This friend had to say "Stop. Look. Listen" in order for me to see or hear that which she was sharing with me. I need to stop and be still more often. A stillness in my soul needs to develop in order to hear and see He who is always speaking.

Oh Lord, would you give me awareness. Lord, give me eyes to see, ears to hear and a stillness of soul to listen.

No Worries

Today has plenty of worries, Scripture says, so "don't worry about tomorrow!". Jesus tells me that He knows what I need to wear, eat and where I need to live. He says when I run around after these things that I am acting like a pagan. Essentially I am acting like someone who doesn't know God.
If I worry about tomorrow, running after the "what ifs" or the "who knows" questions that relate to my future, I am acting like an abandoned son, an orphan. But, I am not an orphan! According to God's word and His truth, I am a dearly loved one. I am an adopted, chosen, well-looked-after daughter of the Most High King.
So, don't act like the pagans, Stephanie. Don't worry after what you will eat or drink like they do. They don't know their Father loves them, He says! But you are different. You know, Stephanie. Walk in what you know! For, I know the plans I have for you, He says! I am the King, after all! And, I own everything.
You can just simply seek Me first, the One needed thing. Then seek the good of My Kingdom and all else will fall into place in My due time. Today has enough to do, to think about and to find strength for. Stop worrying about tomorrow!
Lord, teach me to walk in faith. Teach me to live as one loved. Teach me to trust you entirely with my tomorrows...

Tears for School

I home school my kiddos and I love it.

Each morning we spend the first few hours working through the Geography, Math, Spelling, Grammar and Reading curriculum. After that is all finished we then get to the "fun" stuff (as my kids call it)... Science, Art and History. I think, in part, they like this time because we snuggle up on the couch to read and discuss these subjects. Any excuse to snuggle in our family!

Yesterday, I cried through our history lesson, hardly able to finish reading. It came up again at dinner tonight.

The subject of yesterday's lesson was the Holocaust. Even as I type the word, tears well in my eyes. We are learning about World War II and of course, we must learn about Hitler and the Holocaust. How do you teach your 10 and 7 year old about the atrocities, the evil, the horrible things that happened?

...well, unplanned, I taught them through tears. Barely able to finish the history book which described (very mildly and for young ears) the events of the Holocaust, I just cried and cried. My kids snuggled in deeper during those moments. Mommy is just so sad... I said. It was just so evil, so wrong, so very sad... I said, through tears. They just sat quietly, intuitively knowing Mommy needed a moment to regather.

It came up again tonight at the dinner table. The thoughts of what happened were deeply bothering Becka and she was upset still to even contemplate such things. I agree. How does a 10 year old understand? How does a 36 year old understand? Do you understand?

As we talked, and I silently prayed, a very "light" thought came and brought peace to my soul almost instantly. The thought was "Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego". They were thrown into a fiery furnace and Jesus went with them. What a thought! This isn't just a Sunday school story. The story we find in Daniel is a story of young boys being persecuted because of their faith.

All at once the concept of Presence became very clear. The idea that God is everywhere became like a rock in the midst of a storm. Scripture teaches that "even darkness is as light to Him". The fact that He hates evil and judges sin is also taught in His word; and, this is good to know when the justice in us cries out "It isn't right!".

But, it is His Presence that grabbed my heart at the dinner table tonight. He is present always. He was present with the teenage boys in Babylon thrown into a heated furnace and then He saved them. AND, He was present with Stephen in the New Testament when he was being stoned to death and then chose not to save him... but He, God Almighty, was present. He was there. And, it says, Stephen's face shone like an angel. Stephen knew the Presence.

I think that Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego had a glimpse of this light too when they said, "If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and he will rescue us from your hand, O king. But even if he does not, we want you to know, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up."

God walked with them in the fire. He didn't just pluck them out or protect them. He himself got into the fire and walked with them.

The tears will still flow easily when thinking about such atrocities and wrongs done... and yet, the Presence of God allows for light to flow with the tears. It seems to make the "darkness as light" somewhere deep in my soul.

Just sit still

Each morning I have an invited, and very welcome, interruption to my quiet time with the Lord... my sweet kids. Directly after they wake up and before they start their quiet reading time, they come find me in my chair to sit on my lap and snuggle for a moment. I get a special "one-on-one" moment with each one on my lap. It is truly one of my favorite parts of my day! I love it so much that there have been mornings that I have been distracted away from time with my Jesus because I am anticipating this sweet moment.

This morning as I sat in my chair my heart warmed thinking about them scurrying in to find me. My reading this morning was from Psalms 131, "I have stilled and quieted my soul; like a weaned child with its mother, like a weaned child is my soul within me". Oh, Lord, my good Father, I thought... this is what you have for me! I can sit "on your lap" and be still and quiet. This is the relationship I can have with God. He invites me to come and sit. He invites me to security. He invites me to quiet moment with Him. ...and He anticipates it! Amazing.

As I read the Psalm, I thought for certain that God was going to reinforce this beautiful concept to me and show me tangibly through my children. Instead, He had a different thing to show me this morning...

My son was the first to come in this morning and instead of his normal quick climb up on my lap, he just didn't seem content by the way I was sitting (put your legs this way, Mommy) or the way he was sitting (I am not comfortable, Mommy). He was discontent with how my lap felt this morning. After he was finally situated on to my lap, he didn't stay still very long at all. He began to be distracted by the way the recliner handle worked, by the plans for the day and by what we were going to have for breakfast. He just wouldn't sit still. I hugged him tight and I quietly whispered to him, "Just sit still for a moment". He hardly heard me. And I had thought for sure God wanted me to learn about stillness from my sweet weaned boy! But, lo, I realized... this is the lesson!

...Oh, Lord, I do this to you. I wiggle and squirm in the place You have for me. Oh, Father, how I squirm! I complain about "the way" you sit, or I sit... I am not comfortable, Lord, I say. I finally may come to sit on your lap, and I am distracted by the setting, the plans for the day, or my daily bread! This is me.
Looking back at the Psalm, I am struck by the choice the psalmist is making, "I have stilled and quieted my soul". It is an option. It is an action. My son could have just choosen to sit and quiet his soul in my arms for a few minutes. Most mornings he does. This morning he missed it. And as a result I missed the moment... and I felt sad.

Does it make you sad, Father, when you whisper into my soul, "Just sit still" and I don't...

Today I intend to choose to quiet my soul. I will choose to still my soul and rest in your arms. May it be so.

I am deleting my blog

I told Cara, my dear sister-in-law that I was going to delete this blog. I wasn't joking. She was so kind and encouraging... I told my husband that I was going to delete this blog and he, too, was encouraging me to keep it going. In actuality it is a moot point to even consider deleting something that no one is reading. :) And, I am not looking for a broader audience. I started it on a whim after reading Cara's blog and didn't really expect it to be read. I have continued it these few days in order to process and get my thoughts out. In fact, about two weeks ago, I realized that I was feeling like I was going to "burst" with things to say... and I haven't had an outlet to say them. So, I started to blog.
But, early on (right after my first entry) I realized how very vulnerable I felt the minute my thoughts were "out" there for all to see. It is an odd feeling really.
I feel like my thoughts, my life, my faith journey is one of such ups and downs. Each day I could sit down and write a blog saying, "I have failed" and at another time sit and say, "Ah, the victory of faith..." and both would be true and both would describe my life. The thought of posting those ups and downs for all to see makes me feel exposed, naked and vulnerable. I am certain this goes along nicely with my difficulty in asking for help or in "appearing" weak. For if I were to share the honesty of the ups and downs, there would be much evidence for the fact that I am a very broken vessel. So, even as I write that last sentence, I think, "Yep, I am definitely deleting this blog!"... I think I might delete it. And, yet, I sit here and still write. And I will likely hit "publish post". Okay the even funnier thing is that I am so technically illiterate, I am not even sure how to go about deleting this blog if I wanted to...

Microwaves on a thousand hills

As I walked out of our "manna" house this morning, I was surprised and greeted with a friend's bright face. He smiled and said, "Ya want a microwave"? I don't have to wonder long how many people were visited this morning by a friend offering them a microwave out of the back of their car. I, of course, returned his warm greeting with a smile and, "Sure! Bring it in..."

We have a funny saying that is commonly used in our family. The phrase originates in Psalms, when God describes Himself as the owner of all things. "All animals are mine and the cattle on thousand hills", he said in Psalm 50. We, as a family, like to use that verse and plug in our own words... depending on how we are seeing God's provision in our lives. Tonight the phrase, "God owns the microwaves on a thousand hills" is bouncing around in my head and I am smiling.

The life of ministry that God has called us to has been one where we find ourselves constantly in need of something. This has not been easy for me. Frankly, I don't like to be weak; but, even more than that, I really don't like to "look" weak or have to ask for anything. My pride is significant in this regard.

God knows this about me and has used our calling, lifestyle and situations to school me in the world of provision, request, humility and ... well, the Body of Christ. It has been an amazing and sometimes painful journey. When we first started out raising our financial support, it was all chore... all humiliating and honestly, a distasteful part of our work. Now, ten years later, our financial support is deeply encouraging to me and a daily reminder of God's provision. The journey is not over, that is for certain! I am still quite prideful and still there is a tinge somewhere in my soul when I have to ask for something...

But I am learning.

On Monday, God gave us a house. ...by tomorrow the house will be fully furnished without us spending a dime. Amazing. ... from God's hand, through God's people. I believe it is God's Body functioning exactly as it should.

In the last three days I have seen His ownership of houses, couches, beds, sheets, side tables and even baking dishes". I now have too many cookie sheets to fill my "manna" kitchen! I will fall asleep worshipping a God who owns the cookie sheets on a thousand hills!

How long wicked grumblers?

My husband reminded us this morning of God's words to the Israelites "How long will this wicked community grumble against me?"

He had provided a miracle of manna for them and they complained.

How is it possible that I can grumble at the Lord when He so obviously and extravagantly provides for me. And, yet I do. I did this morning.
I was so anxious today about the details of moving into our "manna" house, that I felt like I had had way too many cups of coffee... this today was my form of grumbling.

Essentially my morning was filled with worry about the "how", the "when" and the "what if"... Oh, my grumbling heart.

I appreciated my husband's words, but they came as a bit of a slap. They were on target. They were spoken in truth and in love. And they were spoken by God to me.

What would my life look like if I trusted my Father truly, if I lived a life according to the all familiar Philipians 4 passage... Rejoice in the Lord...

What would it look like if I LIVED rejoicing. The Lord is near.

Who would I be if I lived aware of His nearness. Do not worry about anything.

I can hardly imagine living in this freedom. No worry. Don't worry!? How?... Ahh, but here is the rub... I know how! I have been clearly told how... but in everything, with Thanksgiving, make your requests known to God.

Ahh... there is the answer. He tells me to just talk to Him. Tell my good, trustworthy, faithful, kind Father about it and thank Him.

And the peace of Christ will guard your heart and mind.

The Peace of God Almighty as a guard, a fortress, a wall around my heart and my mind. What an amazing promise!

As the day continued there was some victory in this. But the battle for victory was more painful than it need be, I think. I fought a few times... rejected worry, chose thankfulness and talked with my Father asking Him for help. I have won the great prize of peace. I am sitting in it right now as I write. But, I know the key is to live in it. The key is to remain in Him, isn't it?

I can remain. I can rejoice. I can look for His presence. I can be thankful. I can ask Him and trust His answers. Oh, Lord, lead me forward in truth. How long will I grumble against you? Forgive me.

Do you trust me now?

The Lord has always provided for me. 
  
Truly, through the years, I have had the privilege to see Him provide everything from finances, to visas, to refrigerators, cars, ...even babies! Even more importantly, I have-- time and time again-- seen Him provide His presence in the most needed moments. 
  
I have always been provided for.

Just recently, though, it seems that His provisions comes a bit "later" than I have grown accustom to. He seems to be saying "no" more and "wait" a lot more often these days. 


Lately, it feels like He brings me right up to the edge of the water, waits for me to put my toe in the water and then...

 photo source

...He opens the "red sea"! 


But, my toe needs to touch the water first, it seems. His whispers into my soul have been, "Do you trust me now?". ...and "how about now?" ..."and now". 


These whispers are certainly not unkind; but, instead, just asking gently for my trust. "Do you know I love you, Stephanie?"

Just yesterday, as we were coming upon another move into the unknown (another 'where will we be living next week and where will we live in a month' moment), I finally bowed my head in complete surrender. 


It isn't that I haven't been attempting and even finding daily surrender to the Lord; but, this was a full face-plant kind of surrender. I said with deep, difficult sincerity, "I trust you, Lord" and "it is well with my soul". 


And, blam, we now have a house to live in right here in town for the remainder of our stateside time. Hmm... Now, of course, there is no formula to this! I can't say the magic words and blam I will have exactly what I want or need... it is a heart thing. 


It is a relational thing. It is a daughter-dad thing.

My heart had to give in and give up, to trust a loving, kind and good Father and His plan... His timing. Trust is not about words. It is not something you can muster. I guess this time my toe finally went into the water because He just opened the "red sea" (a very small "red sea", I would admit; but, a red sea in my life none-the-less)...
   
Thank you, Lord. You are faithful.