I told Cara, my dear sister-in-law that I was going to delete this blog. I wasn't joking. She was so kind and encouraging... I told my husband that I was going to delete this blog and he, too, was encouraging me to keep it going. In actuality it is a moot point to even consider deleting something that no one is reading. :) And, I am not looking for a broader audience. I started it on a whim after reading Cara's blog and didn't really expect it to be read. I have continued it these few days in order to process and get my thoughts out. In fact, about two weeks ago, I realized that I was feeling like I was going to "burst" with things to say... and I haven't had an outlet to say them. So, I started to blog.
But, early on (right after my first entry) I realized how very vulnerable I felt the minute my thoughts were "out" there for all to see. It is an odd feeling really.
I feel like my thoughts, my life, my faith journey is one of such ups and downs. Each day I could sit down and write a blog saying, "I have failed" and at another time sit and say, "Ah, the victory of faith..." and both would be true and both would describe my life. The thought of posting those ups and downs for all to see makes me feel exposed, naked and vulnerable. I am certain this goes along nicely with my difficulty in asking for help or in "appearing" weak. For if I were to share the honesty of the ups and downs, there would be much evidence for the fact that I am a very broken vessel. So, even as I write that last sentence, I think, "Yep, I am definitely deleting this blog!"... I think I might delete it. And, yet, I sit here and still write. And I will likely hit "publish post". Okay the even funnier thing is that I am so technically illiterate, I am not even sure how to go about deleting this blog if I wanted to...
