The Initiator!

Walking along the road... sad, confused, lost, ... He joins them. (Luke 24:13). It says that Jesus, the Risen Jesus, came up alongside them and walked with them. They were not looking for Him. He came after them.

My God is the great Initiator!

In the garden, after sin and the fall, Adam and Eve are embarrassed, shamed and hiding. They were hiding from God. They were running from God ... certainly NOT looking for Him. But, He seeks them out. He looks for them. He draws near. (Gen. 3)

He is the gentle Seeker!

Rejected, mistreated and running away, she goes out to the desert. She is ready to die. (Genesis 16) God sees her. He approaches her and talks with her. He seeks her out.

My Father is the One Who Sees!

In exhaustion God's prophet falls to the ground in exhaustion and fear (1 Kings 19). He isn't seeking God. He is just tired. But, God feeds him. God sustains him. God continues to pursue him and talks to him.

He is the feeding Sustainer!

Story after story. Life after life. Time after time, my Father pursues and seeks. He draws near and calls out. He initiates, He sees, and He sustains.

The men that day on the road to Emmaus were not looking for Jesus. (Luke 24) And, when Jesus came to them, they didn't see him. They didn't recognize their Lord and friend. I wonder what kept their eyes from seeing him that day?

What keeps my eyes from seeing Him as He pursues me each day? His gifts, in abundance, are constantly poured out and lavished on me. Sometimes I just miss it. I want to see it more!

Father, I want to respond to you today. I want to see you and hear your voice today! Open my eyes to Your pursuit, Your love! I want my heart to burn with the knowledge of Your voice, Your touch, Your Presence all day today!

"Were not our hearts burning within us while he talked with us on the road..." Luke 24:32

Fed by a Gentle Father

I went to an Easter service yesterday feeling down. Physically, emotionally and spiritually I just felt "yuck". I felt (as I have off and on this week) out-of-sorts and down-right sad. Walking into the room, as if half asleep in a dream, I took my seat and "attended" this service. ...just going through the motions, really. And, then, something strange happened...

Something marvelous occurred as I sat in that pew seat...

The band began to sing the first song and my mouth moved with the known words. With very little feeling from within, I sang words and silently asked the Lord, What is wrong with me? My heart weakly murmured the words, Why so downcast, O my soul? I have forgotten again, Lord. I am so tired.

Then, in my mind's eyes, I "saw" (remembered) the story of Elijah. As if a direct answer to my prayer, God brought to mind 1 Kings 18. In this story, Elijah profoundly fights, in the Lord's strength, the prophets of Baal. Shortly after this amazing event, oddly Elijah runs for his life in fear. He hears about Jezebel and he is intensely afraid. He is exhausted and scared. It says in I Kings 19, "Elijah was afraid and ran for his life".

After running for some time, he falls down exhausted at the foot of a tree and says to the Lord, "I am done!"

I felt that way a few times this last week, ..."just take me, now, Lord!" I am done! I am so done.

Tired. Weary. Circumstances of life swirling ominous around my head. Larger than life, these mole hills did indeed feel like mountains. Hopelessness, anxiety, and fear crouching at my door, ready to leap and dig their nasty, ugly talons in me.

...so the band played, and I listened. I mouthed familiar words and thought of Elijah. Very quickly I realized the words on the screen were like a cool drink. Water! My eyes wandered and I watched those around me, my brothers and sisters, worshiping with joy and exuberance. Their worship was like food. Like a soft piece of bread, I ate.

The Lord was reminding me, showing me, offering me food and drink. They sang, I sang. Inviting me to a banquet, they sang, I watched. ...and I was fed.

Like my brother Elijah, I was fed by God's hand and by His people. I just needed to rest and eat. My Father, Our Father, offered me the food of praise. I took it in, ate and was satisfied.

Just like to my brother Elijah, our Father was gentle, kind and generous. He didn't rebuke me in that moment for my doubt, my lack of faith, or my unfaithful heart. No! He just gently lifted my eyes... like a kind Father touching the chin of his child. Look up, my daughter. Look up and out!

When I left that service, fed by the Lord, I was strengthened. I was awakened and alert. I was willing and able to continue on and keep serving in His strength. "So he got up and ate and drank. Strengthened by that food, he traveled forty days and forty nights until he reached Horeb, the mountain of God" (1 Kings 19:8)

And, with feeling I can now say, Hallelujah, He is Risen!!

Another bout of Amnesia

How quickly I forget!

A week of sweet ministry... a week of wrestling in prayer and seeing God at work. Closeness. Connection with Father and conviction of sin.

Such an invitation our Father offers us! Such intimacy He offers... and, when I experience it, it is all Truth, all Life, and pure Sweetness.

And, then how quickly I forget!!

I have walked as one in amnesia this past two days. As if I had never known that "peace which surpasses understanding", I have walked around in a cloud of confusion, isolation and frustration I have been anxious, fearful, worried, harried, and stressed.

Is it just jet-lag and exhaustion? ...maybe a contributing factor, yes. But there is more to it than that, I know. I just forgot.

Last night, as a family, we began reading out-loud a recently-recommended novel, Callanish by William Horwood. In short, the story is about a golden eagle trapped and taken to the London Zoo. Well written, the beginning chapters introduce this story and character in such a way that you feel deeply for his plight. You feel deeply sad for this captive bird. You feel the violation of the freedom that has been ripped from him.

As Creggan enters the Zoo cages, he is kindly instructed by an aging, tired, tender Golden Eagle who has been in captivity for all her life. She tell him that he must never forget his freedom. With pounding emotion, this caged, dying eagle implores the young captive to remember! Remember who you are and where you came from, she says. NEVER forget, she pleads with him. She illustrates her instruction by pointing out the other birds around them... those that have forgotten. They live as dead, as "caged", with hopelessness.

Live as one free.

Live as one who knows and remembers who they are and from where they have come!

The message of this book came to mind as I sat down to be with my Lord this morning. Did you forget, Stephanie? His Spirit whispers. Did you forget WHO I am? What I did for you? Who you are? Who you have become in me?

Yes, Father! I forgot! I am so sorry.

So, today, (again)... today, I remember. I choose to remember! I read His word and I remember.

I remember Who my Father is and what my Savior, Jesus, did for me! I remember the seal of His Spirit on my heart and the inheritance that is mine in Christ! Today, I remember that He created the heavens and the earth. And today, I remember that He chose me, in delight, before the creation of the world. Today, I will not forget.

I will speak it out, write it out... and remember today.

In remembering... just the simple act of remembering, I am close again. I am connected. I have "drawn near to God". And, He has "drawn near to me!". (James 4:8) What sweetness He offers!

Caged in this world... caged in this body, this tent, ... May I never forget who I am and from where I came! May I never forget again!

Counting Still... Seeing Him

The journey of looking for God's love, His blessings, throughout my day has been such a fun adventure.

I keep counting. I am making my way to the noting/journaling of 1,000 gifts. I keep counting and joining with others in the hunt for thankful-living (have a peek at the lists! www.aholyexperience.com). Here are just a few of mine...

#418. What You have done!--- it is finished on the cross!

#419. Morning snuggles with my son.

#420. Allergy meds.

#421. My automatic coffee maker. Brews before I wake!

#422. Sounds of worship coming down the stairs from my daughters bedroom.

#423. The penny-whistle and the djembe drum during worship.

#424. Smiles, contented smiles, on her face during worship.

#434. Love gifts from my daughter.

#436. Flowers picked for me.

#438. Back rub given to me by my girl.

#443. A husband who stays up late to listen and minister to a friend.

#451. A "yes" from the doctor.

#455. Science experiments in the kitchen.

#461. A quiet car ride.

#482. A frog jumps across my path.

#488. Sharing pain with others. Being prayed for.

#494. A day of His sustenance. His strength in my weakness.

#506. Dreams that instruct.

#507. Hard lessons and deep conviction of sin.

#513. Weeping prayer. Asking. Knocking. Pleading.

#514. Good news of a passed test.

#515. Love notes from my children.

Lay it down

photo source

I was feeling out-of-sorts.  Heavy.  I was feeling raw and bugged. What is it, Lord? I whispered in that quiet moment of reflection. Why is my heart like this? What is going on, Lord? You know my heart better than I do... speak and show me, Lord?

A verse came to mind, ...but it felt personalized, ...and it stung. "You want to be the Author and Perfecter of your faith. You want to bring all things to completion". This is what I heard. This was the answer to my question of my Lord.

Ouch. Is that true, Father?

I didn't need His answer. I knew it was true.

I would like to be done. I would like to be perfect, yesterday! Finished. Complete. Holy. And, I am not. (Shocking, I know! smile) And, as I see it, I won't be anytime in the near future!

I know this may sound silly to some. This may seem like a no-brainer thought. This concept is a "duh!" for so many. But, for me it is a struggle. And, when I see my imperfection or weakness I feel angst. I can rock around in guilt or condemnation. I can make plans. Or rules. Or "self-help" strategies to help "bring it to completion". Or, I can put on a mask to cover the weakness and show forth "strength"or perfection. All these are strategies of my old nature--- my natural Stephanie-self. "Old man-strategies" as my friend calls it.

What I am realizing again today is that I need more surrender. Dependence. Release. I need to repent and receive. I need to sit down and surrender. I need to live in and by His Spirit... my new nature. I need, by His grace, to release all control and manipulation. And, I need to trust. I must plead with Father to fill me with His Spirit. He must teach me to lean into Him, trust His love, watch and wait for His work, and respond to His movements in my life.

Not an easy "to do" list, right? And, thus the problem!

I can't do it. Only He is the Author and Perfecter of my faith. Only He is the one who will bring me to completion and make all things new, and good. Him.

Essentially, I need Him. I need more of Him. Less of me and more of Him.

I wrote in my journal, "lay down you". And, then added later after more prayer about this, "Lay down you, so that you can be more of the real you in Him."

Teach me, Father. Teach me to lean into You, Jesus. Fill me, Holy Spirit and lead me into more of You, more Truth.

Our dependence upon God ought to be so entire and absolute that we should never think it necessary, in any kind of distress, to have recourse to human consolations.~Thomas Kempis

My place in space

"A noiseless, patient spider, I mark'd, where, on a little promontory, it stood, isolated; Mark'd how, to explore the vacant, vast surrounding, It launch'd forth filament, filament, filament, out of itself; Ever unreeling them--ever tirelessly speeding them. And you, O my Soul, where you stand, Surrounded, surrounded, in measureless oceans of space, Ceaselessly musing, venturing, throwing,--seeking the spheres, to connect them; Till the bridge you will need, be form'd--till the ductile anchor hold; Till the gossamer thread you fling, catch somewhere, O my Soul" ~Walt Whitman

Sometimes my thoughts are endless. The distractions and wanderings of my mind are constant. I have been asking to learn. And, I AM learning to "catch" somewhere, to throw my thought-threads into the lap of God and cling to Him; but, it isn't easy.

The journey toward unending, unceasing prayer is a long and curvy road. I know that Scripture admonishes me to "take all my thoughts captive in obedience to Christ" and to "pray without ceasing". So, I know it is possible. This side of heaven, I believe it is possible... it is, in the least, a destination I can journey toward.

I sat and prayed today for quite a while. I was asking the Father for many things, interceeding as I intended (and believe He was leading) and then ... I wasn't praying. For how long had the thoughts been wandering, worrying, wondering? For how long had I thrown my "thought thread" out and it hadn't caught or anchored down in Jesus?

I want to learn to be like that noisless, patient spider. One goal. One spot. ...perservering and mark'd in my place in this vast space--- focused on Him!

Teach me to pray, Lord Jesus. Teach me to weave my thoughts around You and to anchor all thread, all wanderings, all musings in You and on You. Teach me, I pray.

Noses and Lips

Have you ever noticed the variety and kinds of noses on the faces of those around you?

Riding on a train for 3 hours gives you much time to watch and pray. As we pulled into one station, I was (quite randomly) struck by one woman's lips. I know that sounds odd. It is odd. But none-the-less, her lips struck me as interesting. Was it the lipstick? The shape? I don't know. But, being struck and in a mood of prayer, I began to ask the Lord to open my eyes more and more to His creativity!

The rest of my journey from home to Hong Kong became a fun quest, an adventure, to notice all the different lips that God created! He is so very creative!

I love the creativity of our Father. He hasn't just made one, two or three types of lips. Variety is His specialty. He delights, I believe, in the beauty of variety. And, from our lips ...to the shape of our noses... He has made us all, each one, unique and beautiful.

I have the opportunity to teach a bit this week and share from the book Sacred Pathways by Gary Thomas. In this book, the author explores the many Biblical (and historical) ways that we can connect, worship and learn from God. Given that our Christian goal is to glorify God, to know Him and to obey His calling on our lives, Gary Thomas, "insists that it’s better to discover the path God designed you to take--a path marked by growth and fulfillment, based on your unique temperament." I love this!

I love the idea that God, Almighty God maker of heaven and earth, creates each of uniquely. ...from noses... to lips... to our personalities and temperaments. And, then invites us to seek Him, learn from Him, know Him and connect with Him in unique ways.

There is not one "one-size fits all" method of spiritual growth or "quiet times". We are unique. He is relational. And, in our uniqueness, ...and with His relationalness, our relationship with Him will look different from one to another. ...just as different as the lips or noses on our faces.

With Us Always

I leave tomorrow for a 10 day trip into Asia. While I am excited for the opportunity, I really dislike leaving my family behind. It is nice that I leave my sweet kids in the hands of a very loving, competent father. And, it is really good to know that he wants me to go. He often encourages me to step-out and actually sometimes gives me a "kick in the rear" to get me to go to events such as these.

But, all that said, it is extremely difficult to leave my family. I will think of them, pray for them and write them often. I might even hear their voices on the other end of a telephone. But, there is just nothing that can replace the beauty of being with them. Presence. To be in the presence of my husband and my kids is what I long for when I am away. I want to just be with them.

Having lived overseas for most of my adult life, I know this urge and desire well. I feel we are constantly leaving the presence of someone we love. When we leave our home here to go back to the States, ...we are leaving the presence of people we love. We miss them. We long for them. When we are here, we have left significantly important relationships behind in the States. There is a longing to just be with these that we love. I just simply want to be with my sister. Nothing more than presence. I want to sit in her home and see her smile. I want to sit on her comfy couch and talk with her face to face. Presence.

I was just reading in my Lent study, the story of the repentant thief on the cross. (Luke 23)This thief asks to be remembered in Jesus' kingdom. He asks to be remembered. That is what I will do when I am away from my family this next week. I will remember them. But, Jesus answers him not with a promise of remembrance, but instead a promise of Presence. "I tell you the truth, you will be with me in Paradise" (Luke 23:42)

This is what we long for when we are away... to be with those we love. And, this is what Jesus promises this repentant sinner. And, this is what he promises me.

Jesus doesn't just promise Paradise. Paradise would be nice in and of itself, of course. It is only "paradise" that the Muslims of the world are hoping for in the end. No, Jesus doesn't only promise Paradise. He promises we will be with Him in Paradise. He promises us Himself, with us, in Paradise!

And, even more than that... He doesn't just promise we will be with Him in Paradise. He promises we will be with Him now. Now! "And surely I promise you, I will be with you from now until the end of the age" (Matthew 28)

Through the very real Presence of Christ's Spirit, the Holy Spirit, our God is with us! Even now.

Jesus says, "And I will ask the Father, and He will give you another Counselor, to be with you forever--the Spirit of Truth" (John 14). Forever Presence.

Throughout the Old Testament, God Almighty told His people of His Presence. He promised He would never leave them or forsake them (Duet. 31:26). He reminds us of this Promise again and again in the New Testament; a promise fulfilled completely in the death and resurrection of His Son, and the sending of His Spirit. God said, "Never will I leave you or forsake you!" (Hebrews 13:5)

What a thought! What a promise! We don't just have His letters, His thoughts, His intercession or even just His voice. We have all those and so much more!! We have His very real Presence. We have Him. We have Him with us. Now!

He is always near. He is always Present. He is always with us.

For about 8 months I have had a ringing in my ear. Pretty much constant, to varied degree of pitch and strength, I suffer with tinnitus. About a month ago, as I was feeling the annoyance of the sound during a quiet moment. I was struck with the fact that the ringing is clearly always there. I don't always hear it. The noises of every day life and busy-ness sometimes make me unaware. It is really only in those quiet moments that I can hear it and am aware of it so significantly.

I began to pray that God would teach me through this ringing to know that He is always there, as well. The noises of every day life and the business of life keep me from being always aware of His Presence. But, He is always Present. So, now when I hear the ringing (as I do right now!), I simply ask that God would make my heart aware of His very real Presence always. He is always here, near, within and around.

Just yesterday, I settled down for a quiet moment and the ringing had subsided significantly (for whatever reason). And, instantly I almost became sad. Can you believe it!? It was as if the ringing in my ear has become such a sweet reminder of His Presence, that I didn't want to loose it quite yet. I want to learn more about His very real Presence. I need more awareness. ... Well, no worries... it is back today! And, I will keep praying that until He takes it away and heals it, it will be a wonderful prayer trigger to remind me of Him, His always-with-me very real Presence.

So, tomorrow I leave my precious family. For 10 days I can't be with them. But, never... never ... do I leave my precious friend, brother, and Savior. I can always be with Him, because He is always with me. This fills my heart with a sense of security and a foundation that is solid, deep and wide.

Healing Continues... pain or no pain!

When you live most of your life "playing god", trusting Almighty God entirely is a step-by-step and sometimes arduous journey. Or, at least is has been for me. And, lately, we (Father God and I) have been taking many of these difficult steps together!!

Worry, control, manipulation, scheduling, researching, and "making it work" have all come very natural to me. Fear, anxiety and stress follow all of these and have nipped at my heels throughout my life. But, I have wanted to live a different way. I have so very much wanted to live a different way!

I have believed, and so clearly have seen in Scripture, that there is another way. A simpler way. A happier way. ...but, not necessarily an easier way!!

Trust. Trusting each day to God and knowing His love as foundational to every decision, every circumstance and each moment... well, like I said, we walk the journey together and it is hard. He nudges me along with sweet whispers of hope and joy. This trust road... It isn't an easy road. But, it is a good one and one with a fabulous destination!

I have written a lot in the last year about pain and suffering. I have written much about my physical pain and my emotional scars. My Father in Heaven and I have had many, many discussions about these issues. Recently He has done a work in my heart that is most certainly Divine. The change I feel and see in my heart is most definitely His work!

A few months ago, I believed that God wanted me to ask Him to heal me. This took courage and boldness, a new stepping out in faith and trust. And, I asked Him. And, so did many of you... thank you. We asked Him together for healing and I believe that He birthed something new in me when I was willing to ask, and to believe Him.

As I asked, I began to sense a change in the direction the Spirit was leading. Not entirely a ... "I will heal you" as much as a..."I am healing you". A moving verb was being whispered into my heart. This was significant. As I asked for His healing, it seemed to become apparent that healing was multi-faceted. He was indeed healing me... in more than one way! And, in His own time.

I essentially stopped worrying about the pain. Really and truly. I didn't feel agitated by it emotionally (even-while struggling with it physically). I felt free from fret, or fear, or worry. It was as if together we walked the journey of pain. I didn't have to worry any more about the "What ifs?". When I felt pain, I felt that I was not asking, "What am I to do, Lord?"... But, "what are WE to do? ...or more accurately, "what will You do, Lord?"

It became quickly clear that He wasn't healing me instantly from pain or problem, but instead He was healing my heart. Deep within He was doing a work. He has been building trust in ways that are new and exciting. A flood gate of trusting began, and continue as I walk today.

Sermons and songs. Creation and books. Blogs and Prayers all seemed to point to the fact that "I have it covered, Stephanie. I will sort it out. I am healing you. I am your keeper, Your Good Shepherd".

Today, I had a doctor's appointment that felt miraculous. The doctor was kind and "got it". He had a fabulous suggestion and plan to proceed. He even asked me what I wanted! And, it even seems... can I be so bold to say THANK YOU, Lord already... that the finances of it will be more straight forward than we had anticipated. Almost too easy, really. ...seems a God-thing. A, "I will sort it, Stephanie" moment.

Tonight, I don't feel the uncontrollable need to grab it, grasp it, or hope on it. The temptation is there, yes. But, I don't feel driven to plan it and make it happen. I feel trust welling up and ...whether it works or not... it is well with my soul. And, this, THIS is only from our Father. It is nothing short of divine hope, faith and trust. For this I am deeply thankful.

Tonight, I am done with worry! I am done with "playing god"... and I want to walk more in this trust--- this much better way!

Father, we have wrestled. I have cried and lamented. You have heard all of it and loved me faithfully. I have asked and been disappointed. I have hoped in things that were other than You. I choose tonight to trust in You alone. I choose to say I will wear this pain and this suffering as long as You want me to... and then when You want to release me from it, I will take that as a gift of grace. Your way. Your timing. Your plan. Teach me Father to walk in this to the glory of Your name. For You are good, gentle, loving Father and I trust You.

Sleeping Bees and Kitchen Waltz

"Who taught the sun where to stand in the morning? And, who told the ocean, you can only come this far? And, Who showed the moon where to hide till evening? Whose words alone can catch a falling star? I know my Redeemer lives! All of creation testifies and this life within me cries, 'My Redeemer Lives'."~Nicole C. Mullen.

Still looking and watching for all His gifts, His graces, His blessings. Still remembering and counting.

#332. Watching His people sing about Him.

#335. Clean bathrooms!

#337. Warm shower, with good water pressure.

#339. Smiles and giggles on my girls face while she listens to Little Women on her iPod.

#343. Ibuprofen and Tylenol

#345. A fun family game of monopoly

#346. Seeing my son loose the game with grace.

#349. Impromptu "dance and lip sync" performance in our living room.

#350. Math problem conquered!

#352. His sweet breath on my cheek as he sleeps, in bed from a scary dream.

#353. He can still come to my bed when he has a bad dream.

#355. Rain drops sit still on the grass, like beads fallen from a necklace.

#361. Hide and seek sun.

#363. A sleeping bee? Do bees sleep? ...I guess they do. Cuz he just woke up!

#378. Music that prays for me.

#382. My warm boots.

#393. Finishing a good book.

#394. Starting a good book.

#408. Who I am because of Who He is.

#414. A sweet kitchen dance initiated by my husband while cleaning the kitchen.

All creation testifies... and this Life in me cries, "My Redeemer Lives!"

I am sharing my list on Mondays with a bunch of others... to read other lists or join the adventure, go www.aholyexperience.com

Hunger Fed With Sin

We were made with God-sized thirst and hunger. Formed before the foundation of the earth, God planted in me a deep soul that longs and searches for God, the ever-deep One and all satisfying God.

Daily I long for His filling. Each and every day I need His sustenance. I need Him to feed me.

How often do I run to other things to quench my thirst? How often do I substitute shallow things, stupid things, empty things for the Only deep thing that will fill?

Last night, I attempted to fill that place with food. Food, of all things! The shallowness of food and the temporary nature of this "quencher"! I am embarrassed to write of it. I am embarrassed and grieved to testify to the gluttony that still plagues my mind, my soul and my body. Who will rescue me from this body of death! (Romans 7:24)

This past week I had noticed an increase in my lust for food. ...eating more at dinner than I needed. Just a little snack here, a little "this" there. I notice my "thinking" of Non-Verbal-Thoughts like, "man, this is good... It can't hurt to finish it off, even though I am not hungry for it!". ...or, "I deserve this break, this rest, this little 'something'".

And, sometimes this behavior comes with absolutely no real conscious thought... I just eat because it tastes good! My lust for flavor and food can drive me to eat without much thought at all. ...until, of course...

Well, until I realize I am doing it. ...I do know the good feeling of conviction. I do know the opportunity given by the Holy Spirit to flee.

I rebelled against the Spirit's nudges again and again this week. Each time, thinking... "it isn't really that big of deal." ...or,"this isn't good, I won't do it again!".

But I do do it again. And, I did over and over again this week. Small rebellions (if they can ever be small) at first and then a plunge right down into it at the end of the week. Why?

Patterns learned long ago. Feeling sad... eat. Feeling lonely... eat. Feeling happy ...eat. Feeling tired ...eat. Patterns.

...Hungers that are not even close to physical hungers, to be sure!

But, these patterns learned have been in the process of being broken and healed by the Lord Jesus. I have truly known freedom. I know what it means to take those feelings, those longings, those cravings and have them quenched by the River of Life. I know what it is like to listen to the kind nudges of the Spirit and to walk in the freedom the Son gives me.

So, today, I have another "Lent" lesson in my living room. My heart much acknowledges... and it does with deep grief ... that my gluttony, my lust and my rebellion were at least three of those stripes on His tender back. My Jesus took that blow for me.

When I have failed like this, my natural instinct is to punish myself. Or, to give up and dive in deeper to sin. Or, to make rules and regulations to "keep myself in check". But, not today. Today I take my heavy guilt filled heart and hand it to Jesus. I acknowledge what He did for me on that horrid cross. And, I must, I just MUST, take that cleansing freedom, forgiveness, healing and mercy He offers.

Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God--- through Jesus Christ our Lord! (Romans 7).

He is the Only One that will ever quench my God-sized hunger and thirst. So, I will drink from Him today and eat of His body. I will remember what He has done for me and proclaim His death until He returns. For He is the Only One who satisfies.

A Wet Map

Sometimes I find it difficult to write about tender moment here. I find myself feeling shy about blogging moments that are so sweet, so special, so painful, so... wordless, really. And yet, I know that my journey in writing has significantly impacted my lessons-learned. My Father has used the act of writing itself as an integral avenue to solidifying experiences.

And so I write. I just can't help myself. Like St. Augustine said, "I count myself one of the number of those who write as they learn and learn as they write."

***

I wept today. I cried buckets of tears. My body wracked with emotional pain as I wept over the map spread out at my feet. I wet the map with my tears and cried out to my kind Father to "Shine!" How long did I even pray? I don't know. Time stood still as I prayed from Psalm 67 ... I cried with the words and asked my Father for His work.

May God be gracious to us and bless us and make His face sine on us...

so that Your ways may be known on the earth, Your salvation among the nations!

May the peoples praise You, God!

May all the peoples praise You.

May the nations be glad and sing for joy!

I wept for the lost and for the oppressed. I wept for the nations that have little, if no, witness. I wept for the children, the women, ... the nations. I cried for the peoples of the earth.

I prayed for those hidden, quiet places of hearts and homes where God's Spirit shows up! I prayed for those conversations over tea, the dreams, the book found, those Internet moments... clicking on a Christian link ... I prayed. And, I wept and I interceded.

photo source

And, as Michael Card sings, "I cried just one of His tears".

"So open my eyes and open my heart
Grant me the gift of Your grieving
Awaken in me the compassion to weep
Just one of the tears of the world."

As I cried, on this cloudy, dark,grey day, the sun peeked through and literally shone through the window onto my prostrate body... As I asked Him to "Shine on the nations!", the sun poured forth warmth. Light lit the small prayer room. In that moment, I knew He heard. He saw. I was, indeed, weeping His tears. I was allowed a glimpse into the tender heart of Jesus, the One who ever lives to intercede!

He is the One who was slain! And with His blood He purchased men for God from every tribe and language and people and nation! (Rev. 5:9) These tear were from Him. He, the One who sees! Creator Father's tears. Jesus Intercessor's tears. Holy Spirit's groan-tears.

I knew in that moment. He does see that mother and her child in that hidden place. He does see that girl lost, scared, and confused. He does see and love exceedingly more than I do.

So I wept today. And, I hope it won't be the last time. It was a gift. It was a moment too painful and too sweet for words. ...but, still, I write about it and offer it here for His glory, because it was from Him! The gift of tears and a wet map.

Remember and Go

I have written before about spiritual amnesia. I think I have another case of it today. I hope it isn't catching!

For years now, I have practiced the rhythm of "taking spiritual retreats". My husband and I look ahead at the calendar and pick a day (or even a few days) that would work. We schedule it for me. We schedule it for him. And, then we give each other the gift of silence and solitude. We say to each other, "get out of here and spend time some time with Jesus".

So, my 'scheduled day' is today. And, in a few hours I will pack up for the day and head out to be with my Lord. My husband will take care of the house, the kids, even schooling and caring for dinner. I can just be.

Even though, I have done this a thousand times... how many years now? Even though I have a thousand moments of sweetness logged away in my journal, my memory and my heart; EVERY time, without fail, I struggle with going.

Is it simply the enemy fighting against this discipline? That is very possible!

Is it simply because I am a recovering control freak and still sometimes struggle to leave my children, my "responsibilities" of home and schooling?

Is it a case of spiritual amnesia? I do remember in my head that my times away are always good, albeit not always easy, but always good. I remember that my husband is a fabulous father and dad. I remember that solitude and silence does feed my soul. I know in my head I need these. So, what am I forgetting? What am I fearing? Why don't I want to go?

Is it a fear that He won't show up? Do I really fear sitting there twitting my thumbs? Is it I fear that He will "show up" and put His so kind finger on a sin issue!? That can be painful. And, I don't love pain.

I don't know.

What I do remember, though, even as I type... is that I always feel similarly before getting away with Him. And, I also remember that I am always glad I did go. I remember this and so I go.

For, I know and remember now that sitting at His feet is never a waste. And, so I go. I remember now that life and busy-ness and house and home can leave my soul tired and full of noise. Silence is a good thing. Solitude is solid ground. Silence, solitude and sitting is a good place for pruning and fresh growth. And, I do long for fresh growth. I remember these things... and I go.

The best ground, unfilled and neglected, soonest runs out into rank weeds. A man of knowledge that is either negligent or uncorrected cannot but grow wild and godless. ~Joseph Hall (1574-1656)

Fractions and Faith

photo source

I love describing big theological truths and deep spiritual experiences to my 9 year old son. It does something to the lesson that makes it very real.

While explaining what God is teaching me to my 9 year old, I seem to grab the lesson more significantly and plant it deeper in my heart. I feel similarly when I write a blog post. Just the act of writing it down (or more accurately typing it), makes the lesson more real. It settles down. It becomes more solid somewhere within.

This morning I attempted to explain my significant Sunday lesson in trust and surrender. It had been a profound silent, journaling time with the Lord. I hadn't put it into verbal words yet, but wanted to share with my family. So, I began to explain that God had opened my eyes and my heart wider to trust and faith. God had been showing me that I could trust His love and surrender to Him, His care.  A lesson of deep trust.  

The look on my 9 year old's face was priceless. Confused. Questioning. I could just see his brain-wheels turning. All over his brow was written his non-verbal question, "Haven't you learned to trust God already? Haven't you surrendered to God before?"

Responding to his quizzical brow, I reminded my sweet son of our recent homeschooling lessons on dividing fractions. Remember, I said, that I taught you how to divide fractions two weeks ago?

And, then, I said, last week, you said to me... "Mom, I know you have taught this to me before; but, can you please show me again?"

And, of course, we sat down again and learned it again, right? i reminded him. He nodded in acknowledgement. And then, just last Friday, I needed to teach it to you it again, right? Do you remember?

And, do you remember, I said, when each time I taught it ---each time!--- you "got it". Remember that moment when you KNEW how to divide fractions!? ...That ah-ha moment? Remember that moment, son?

He smiled and a light flashed in his eyes... he was getting it now!

Well, our Christian lives are like that. We learn things like trust. And, faith. And, love. ...God shows us just like I showed you the fractions. And, each time... each time!... there is a moment when we "get it" and we feel like we finally know!! And, those moments are special and sweet. And, in those moments we do know. And, each moment we do know even more, even better than we did before.

But, the reality is that we will revisit those concepts again and again. We will re-learn and have to be shown again. And, our kind Father is very patient in His pursuit of teaching us these important lessons.

Son, I am guessing I will have to teach you how to divide fractions at least one more time. What do you think? He smiled with a nod and a, "yep".

And, my 9 year old boy, understood Mommy's ah-ha trust experience with the Lord on Sunday. And, I suppose I understood it a bit more too.

May I learn it again and again Lord! Keep teaching me, I pray!

Public Toilet Thankfulness

Thankfulness. Real, deep, genuine, heart-thankfulness has been a sweet pathway to joy these past few weeks. It is amazing what "hunting" for daily, ...even mundane..., gifts and blessings has done in my life and heart. I am loving it!

My daughter looked at me last week and said with a smile, "Mom, you aren't like this normally!"

Confused, I responded, "Like what?"

"Happy!"she said.

And, she is absolutely right. Happy is not a word that would normally describe Stephanie. Not that "sad" would describe me exactly either. But, for better or worse, there are many words to describe me... some very positive words and some negative words. Happy is not one of them. Happy would not likely make it on anyones' "Describe Stephanie"-list.

But, that is changing. I feel it. And, one of the many ways/tools that Father has been using to change this is my daily hunt... looking for gifts of love from Him.

I realized what a huge difference it was making in my life the other day when I was suddenly sick with a stomach issue. After spending some significant time in the grocery store toilet, I drove 20 minutes and stopped for much needed errand at the post office. In desperation, I had to *very quickly* make my way to a the public toilet in town. (maybe all this way-too-much-information... sorry ;))

There I was sick... quite sick... on a public, cold toilet and I found thankfulness welling up in my mind and heart. I kid-you-not, I found myself so thankful and making my "list". I was grateful that there WAS a public toilet. I was thankful that it was clean (ish). I was thankful that it had toilet paper. And, that there was no one else using it!

And, this genuine heart-thankfulness wrapped that sick day in a deep joy that wouldn't have been there but for the hunt... the discipline of looking hard for grace, gifts and blessings!!

So, here is my list... or a part of my list... from this past week. I keep counting, making my way to 1,000 and beyond.

#249. a public toilet.

#255. friendly neighbors

#257. Answered prayer again.

#259. Incessant, happy bird song, they will not be stopped!

#263. Reading in bed snuggled-up together.

#269. A sky full of stars.

#273. A new "favorite" spot to go and pray.

#278. New recipes.

#279. Watch a diligent bird find sticks to build his hidden nest.

#281. Naughty puppy after strewn trash all over yard, her hilarious feigned repentance.

#286. That hilarious look my son gets on his face when he is watching Tom and Jerry. He is just tickled.

#288. A phone call made on my behalf, in love.

#301. Hot coffee in a bowl, laughter with friends, fun night out.

#305. Soft pjs

#316. The powerful name of Jesus.

#321. The bread.

#322. The cup.

#329. His wounds that bring my healing.

Thankfulness. Gratefulness. A heart that is thankful... NOT in a trite way, but in a true and genuine way. To see all of life as a gift. All of life as grace. Continue to teach me, Lord Jesus.

I am sharing my list on Mondays with a bunch of others... to read other lists or join the adventure, go to www.aholyexperience.com

Worship is a complicated idea. Arguably, it’s what we all do, 24 hours a day (regardless of what we’re worshipping). ~Derek Webb

Seeing Red Jam

I am counting. And, I love it!

In my attempt to train my heart, mind, and soul to see more of God ...and give Him all of me ... I have been making a list each night of all the things I am thankful for. Counting each night. More than just a "thankful-list", really, I am attempting to see all the things in my day in Him, around Him, about Him. The big things, the little, and the mundane. Can I see Him more in my day?

I began making a list a week ago. This idea is not a Stephanie-original, of course!! And, the basis of my list has been encouraged along by author Ann Voskamp at A Holy Experience. And, I believe it is indeed training my eye.

For, yesterday, as I spread the red jam on the pb&j sandwich, I delighted in the deep red color and made a mental note to write it on my list that evening. And, that is a change. Maybe my soul, my mind and my heart can be trained to see Him more!

Currently all life, for me, is not all about Him. And, I know that I miss Him more than I can even imagine. And, I want that to change. Not because I think it "should"... for the million "shoulds" in my life have been more damaging than helpful. But, I want it to change, because I love Him. I believe it is my love for Him that drives me to want to know Him more, see Him more and be more aware of Him. For, I believe, that in Him I move and breath and have my very being! (Acts 17:28). I truly believe that He wakes me each morning and He beautifully shepherds all my day. And, so I want to see Him more.

So, in an attempt to train my mind to be aware.. I am making a list. One week has passed and I just wrote #67. Isn't that fun! 67 times this week that I saw Him, His beauty, His gifts, His touch!

Can I just share a few...

#1... warm hugs from my sweet children

#2... a tender kiss from my husband, just because.

#6... a comfy pillow.

#13... my daughter making pancakes on her own-- and yum ones, too.

#21... good family movie about courage, honor and hope.

#27... a quiet moment to read.

#35... a kind email from a friend.

#38... bright red jam on my peanut butter sandwich.

#46... hot coffee

#55... worship with my team

#61... acts of obedience seen today in my children.

#66... a protective growl from my sweet dog.

These are only a few of what I "saw" this week. The voice of God in my life. The messages of my loving Father spoken, felt, seen and experienced this week through sweet gifts. For God does speak--now one way, now another--though man may not perceive it. Job. 33:14

And so I attempt to train my mind and to work that awareness-muscle that can be so flabby! And, with a little effort, I am seeing Him more. And, I am more thankful today!

Still Here Today

A simply beautiful day! The sun was shining and I had a few moments quiet. So, I went for a walk... and found a "perfect" place to sit.

As I sat down, my attention was immediately drawn to the beauty of a large, old willow tree. I watched and enjoyed this beautiful old weeping willow tree. Stunning, it stood in front of me. It's base wrapped in the dark leaves of an ivy plant, climbing upward. How long had this tree stood here so magnificently?

Almost as instantly as my mind was drawn to the tree, my next thought was, "Oh! I hope they don't cut it down!"

This thought came unbidden, but it was quite pronounced in my head. A very real thought. It was almost a fear. Just a very real response to the tree standing before me. What a funny thought, I wondered to myself,almost laughing out loud at my odd thought. Why would this be my first concern, my first "feeling" or response to the beauty of this age-old willow?

Is it all the moves and transitions that I have experienced in my life, as a child and an adult? All the change? Is it that, Father? It is true I have never seen 'one' thing, one special place, for 25 or 30 years. I don't know what it might be like to see the same tree, or same house, every week for 40 years. And, I have longed for this. Somewhere deep within, I do want this desperately. And, at times, I have felt I have missed something. I have missed the beauty of familiarity and normal.

As I mused and prayed about this, it felt clear that--yes--- this was indeed a very natural Stephanie-way-of-thinking. I know that I am often waiting, I suppose, for the "other shoe to drop" or the hard, difficult, the painful that is lurking around the corner. I know I am often waiting, almost unconsciously, for the good to be taken from me. A natural childlike response that doesn't want to enter-in to those good, sweet moments... because... well, because they will disappear or be lost, and that would hurt. And, so, I have just let them pass by and go unnoticed.

Don't connect to the now-beauty, right? Ignore it, let it pass and don't hold on or enjoy, because that protects. This can be a knee jerk response of my heart. And, I know it isn't True and Right. And, I know this isn't Father's heart for me.

But, now what, Heavenly Father? What is Truth and Right? What healing might You want to bring?

I have a pretty good idea of where this came from, where this became a natural pattern of thought for a young, little-girl Stephanie. I know from my reading, my research, and past counseling that this is par-for-the-course for any child of divorce or children who faced significant trauma. And, that is part of my story.

But, now what, kind Father? I just want to enter-in and enjoy a simply beautiful day, and this age-old tree!

Figuring out where it comes from is good. Really, really good and important. But, moving forward means bringing that response, those knee-jerk responses, into the Light and having them transformed by the Truth. Now what, Father? my heart whispers. What do I do with this natural, "will I get to see this tree ever again" feeling, or the "will it too be stripped away from me" fear.

No answer came that beautiful day. But, the conversations began. A conversation, I suppose, that God and I have been having for many, many years. We, God and I, began talking about this issue again ...and we walked in it through the week. Thinking. Praying. Asking.

Yesterday, I went back to this perfect spot. I sat down on the sun-warmed bench, head raised to take in the sun's rays... and then I remembered the tree. There it was before me, still there. Beautiful and the same. And, in that moment, I knew the way forward when I saw this beauty before me.

I knew that I needed to be thankful, today, TODAY, that I was seeing it again. Here it was, again! Today, beautiful and majestic and the same. I was getting the chance to see it today!

...And, it hadn't been cut down. That fear had not been realized or become real. It was still here. And, I was still here today... and I was thankful. In deep gratitude, I was able to enter into this moment, today's moment, entirely! And, I could thank my Father for this now-beauty. And, my heart felt free and happy. And, I soaked in the beauty of God in that moment.

As I soaked, and praised, and thanked, one more Thought came to my mind... "and, Stephanie, don't worry about tomorrow". Do not worry about tomorrow... today has enough. ...

Okay, Father. I can trust You with tomorrow! And, I can thank you for today. Thank you for today... this moment of today.

Entering in the now and not worrying about tomorrow. I have freedom to release the fear, the control, the wondering about tomorrow. And, with this God-filled revelation there is some Light-filled healing that is going on in my heart! And, I can thank God for today. ...the now.

My husband is fond of saying, "Tomorrow doesn't even exist. It isn't real." This moment, this now-moment is the real. And, for the real-now I can be thankful. The tree is still here today. God is still here today. I am still here today.

And, today is simply a beautiful day!

**just one of the tools He is using to teach me about this now-beauty and how to be grateful for today... watch and enter-in.

Keepin' on Counting

I keep counting the gifts, the blessings and the kindnesses of God. I am on my way to 1,000.

What a sweet way to look at my every day! I have been blessed by the discipline and challenged by the difficulty to keep it going in the day-to-day, ...every day.

#160. My computer.

#161. My blog, a place to process.

#162. Other blogs that encourage.

#163. Hands dirty, nails black, while planting trees.

#164. Watching my daughter work hard with joy.

#170. Old recipe remembered and loved!

#175. Pain dulled by good medicine.

#180. Sharing food with a neighbor, just because.

#184. A hilariously, silly, prank shirt worn for a laugh.

#189. Layers, upon layers to keep warm.

#193. Songs that remind of truth and grace. ...and make me cry.

#195. The crunch sound of an apple.

#209. Soap to clean with.

#212. Little girl in heart-dotted tights.

#230. A huge moon shines brightly through the trees and into my window.

#236. An afternoon nap. and earplugs.

Thank you Father for your daily, ...moment-by-moment, gifts to me.

... I am counting with many, many others at www.aholyexperience.com

A Different Sort of Healing

photo source

"The pathway is broken and the signs are unclear. And, I don't know the reason You brought me here. But, just because you love me the way that you do... I am going to walk through this valley, if You want me to". ... the beautiful song lingers in the background.

Tears roll down my cheeks as I fry the eggs and listen. I can't see very well, anymore, as the water fill my eyes and spills out. Using my dishtowel I wipe my eyes, so that I can flip the egg and pop the toast from the toaster.

I had pain again last night. Difficult, debilitating pain that kept me from sleep. Father, what am I supposed to do? Clearly, I haven't been healed... Has the reaching out done me any good, I wonder.

But my wonder only lasts a short moment as the song continues to minister to my soul, my mind, my heart... "It may not be the way I would have chosen... but, you never said it would be easy. You only said, I'll never go alone." ...my heart prays with the song. Tears continue to roll as my children pound down the stairs and into the kitchen for breakfast.

Sweet-girl enters, sees the tears and comes in for a hug. Questioning on her face, she hugs tight. I enjoy the embrace, hand her the plate of eggs and tell her, "Mom has 'momma pain' today". She knowingly smiles with compassion in her eyes and then hears the song in the background. ...and hugs me again.

And, I whisper into her ear the words of the song, "You only said, I'll never go alone!".

I ask them as they begin to dig-in, Can I start it over again? Can we all listen together?

We listen together. A holy silence as we eat. They let me just listen and eat eggs while tears roll down my cheeks.

The song continues as we all listen to it's closing. "When I can't hear you answer my cries for help, I will remember the suffering that your love put you through... and I will go through the valley if you want me to."

Ann Voskamp in her book, One Thousand Gifts, writes about the well known "healing of the lepers" story (Luke 17). She discusses the healing that takes place for all ten lepers.... their physical healing or "cleansing". And, she writes about the second kind of healing that happens to the one that returns. Jesus says to this one thankful-returnee, "Your faith has made you well".

Wait a minute, here! But, I thought they were already healed, she wrestles. In this journey of discovery, she shares about this Greek word, "sozo". This "made you well" that Jesus speaks is a "sozo-healing" (Luke 17:19). This word apparently wears the meaning of "made whole"; a healing that points to a deeper, fuller, soul-kind-of healing. This sozo healing is received by the one thankful leper on-top of the physical cleansing already received.

I am moved and realize that I have been asking for healing... thinking all the while of the first type. I want physical healing. But, as I sing true surrender over fried eggs, "I will go through the valley if you want me to", I realize I am receiving healing. Deep healing, "sozo" healing.

It is well with my soul. Somewhere deep within, I am expanding. My faith in His goodness, His love, His plans is growing and I feel more whole today ...with the tears ... than I ever have. I feel His Presence and know His touch. Pain or no pain. I am healed within ...deep within. He is healing me, just as I asked when I "reached-out" to touch His hem.

I still don't know what is ahead of me as far as my body is concerned. But, somewhere deep, I feel certain of His love and His care over me. I sense that peace which surpasses understanding. And, this is sweet.

So, although the pathway is broken and the signs are unclear, Lord. I will walk through this valley if you want me to!

You are not through with me yet! Beautiful.

Good Medicine

Today is Red Nose Day in the UK. A day for laughter, silly behavior, and fun. It is a day where people do funny things, all with the purpose of bringing joy to a place where needs are great. A fun, laugh filled day to raise funds and give money. What a great idea!?

Our world needs relief. Comic relief. And, comedy, ... good comedy... , does bring relief, doesn't it? Laughter is good medicine. Laughter is good for the soul. "A cheerful heart is good medicine" (Prov. 17: 22).

Today in honor of "red nose day" my friend came to our daily prayer times wearing a very silly shirt. His shirt, and his proudly wearing it for comic relief, brought immediate laughter. My stomach hurt while I laughed. Good clean laughter. Good clean fun. Relief through comedy. What a blessing!

Something just feels right when we laugh together. Something just feels good when I watch my kids "crack up"... their faces twisted and their mouths open, heads back. ...laughing.

My family read this morning in Nehemiah 8. Ezra brings the Word of God to the people. They all listen intently. The worshiped and lifted their hands in praise as they heard. Then they all bowed down and received God's Word with reverence. And, then they all repent and weep. What a sweet response to the Lord! Worship. Humility. Surrender. Repentance. Weeping. Doesn't it just seem a fitting and right response! And, I believe God was honored that 5th century day.

And, then,... a possible surprise of anyone who reads this passage... "Nehemiah said, “Go and enjoy choice food and sweet drinks, and send some to those who have nothing prepared. This day is holy to our Lord. Do not grieve, for the joy of the LORD is your strength.” He tells them to go and have a party. Go, he says, and celebrate! Go and enjoy! Isn't he telling them to go, eat and be merry! Laugh.

We spent our morning prayer time asking God to bless us and others with joy and laughter. We asked God to open our hearts and minds to an eternal perspective that allows us to "laugh at the days to come" (Prov. 31:25) We asked that this joy, this laughter, would be our strength and our dignity.

When my eyes are open and I am looking, watching, for God's comic relief, I don't have to go far to see it.

*That look my puppy gives when she is curious, head cocked to one side...

*that laughter that erupts at the dinner table from my 8 year old son when "a sound" comes from our bodies ... (he can't help himself but laugh!)

*that silly dance that my husband did while getting the chicken out of the refrigerator last night.

*the chase that happens in my tree outside, one bird chasing another. Diving, bobbing, calling out. It is funny to watch. It is funny IF I am watching and looking for it, I should say.

...light-hearted laughter. Comic relief.

Lord teach me to see more of You! All of You! May I worship you with all my self. ...my hands held high and my face bowed down. With weeping and laughter, may You receive all my praise and worship today!

Groaning in Pain

The earth groans and so does my heart.

Pictures to scroll through. Just hit the "next" button if you dare. Picture after picture of devastation. People's lives turned upside down and futures unknown. Pain and suffering for the world to watch. I scroll through... how many more can I even look at ... and water fills my eyes.

The earth groans and so does my heart.

It isn't difficult to look back even a short distance and see in our "rear-view" memory the destruction from other such events. Other too-powerful waves and floods. Other quakes. And, wars... oh! the never-ending wars and evil crime committed daily. Just today I read a headline about a man convicted of multiple torture-related murders.

The earth groans and so does my heart.

My unbelieving friend spoke to me yesterday of our overuse of the planet. I don't disagree. Is this why we are seeing "more" tsunamis and earthquakes she wondered out loud. She spoke of the "earth groaning" without really knowing what she was saying... but, she too was groaning. And, so am I. How do you even begin to speak about such things?

Today, as I scroll through the pictures with pain, my heart doesn't ask, "Why?!", though. Not today. But, instead my heart groans, "When?". Lord, Jesus, When?...

When will You, Almighty Creator, Kind and Everlasting Father, ...when will this end? When will your justice roll down and your mercy fill the earth?

When will You, my Savior Jesus, my Lord, my loving Brother, ... when will you return on that white horse? When will You collect Your bride and wipe all our tears?

When will You, Holy Spirit, revive the dead and breathe into the rotting bones... when will You breath and call Home your Church?

When will You make all things new? When will the groaning end... and all things be made right? When, Father?

For we know that all creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. (Romans 8:22)

Come, Lord Jesus, Come!