Overwhelmed by a gift

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She just took off her necklace and gave it to me.
A beautiful, hand-crafted piece of art, she took it off and gave it to me as she was leaving.  What!? Why would she do that?

"Stop, don't give me your necklace!" I cried, as she was unlatching it at the back of her neck. "You are not seriously giving that to me?!" I said, still trying to stifle the shocking generosity I was experiencing.

"I am."  she said in a matter-of-fact tone, with gentle smile.  "I wanted to bring you a gift and I didn't.  So, I will give you this."

Last night, I watched the awe-striking beauty of living in such freedom from things...

As A.W. Tozer might suggest that her possessions do not posses her.  She was not clinging to this thing...

"There can be no doubt that this possessive clinging to things is one of the most harmful habits in the life.  Because it is so natural, it is rarely recognized for the evil that it is.  It's outworkings are tragic."  ~A. W. Tozer

Last night I saw open handed generosity, I watched it and received it.  I felt it's kindness and sweetness placed and secured around my neck.

Having lived most of our adult lives overseas and on faith-based financial support, we have the unique opportunity to see generosity in the Body of Jesus daily.  We really do.   Early in our ministry, living on the donations of churches and individuals was a horrible burden for me---a difficult struggle for my heart.  The tightness of a small budget, the ambiguity of how much would come in each month, the pressure and judgement I felt living "on other people's money"... all of these felt heavy and hard.  

And, now, instead--- I love it.  I truly love it.

In the 15 years of living overseas, something has changed deeply inside of me.  God has taught me something right and real.  He has shown me that it is ALL His money, through His kids, to support His kids and His kingdom.

All of it--- all of us--- all His.

I get to see God provide through His people every day.  Through the generosity and faithfulness of His people, I have seen His provision and blessing in abundance.  I know each phone bill is paid because one of His children, my brother, has given to support us.   I know that each time I get on an airplane, He has bought the airline ticket and used some of His children to give us that gift.

And God's people are a very generous lot, I might say.  Not only is God using His kids to pay our rent and our medical bills; but we have above and beyond our "needs".  There have been times when we have been given temporary houses and cars in spades.  We have been given gift cards and "fun money"!  ...And, books and coats and ipods.  And yesterday I was given a necklace.  Why would she do that?!  My heart still reels with the profound generosity in the act of giving and receiving.  I am still overwhelmed by the gift.

We talked about it as a family as we drove away last night.  What fun it is to watch generosity!!  She blessed my heart--- deeply.  She blessed "my socks off!" with her gift.  And, I wondered out loud if maybe her heart felt blessed in the giving.  Her smile and gentleness indicated she was touched by the gift, as well.

It IS certainly good fun to give, too, isn't it?!  

Both of us blessed.  Both of us living out, living under, the beauty of giving:  the giving and the receiving.
For, "this is love..."  (I John 4:10)  and "this is love..." (Romans 5:8)

Today's Trust

I had significant physical pain again today.

This wrestle with pain has been a life long journey for me; a path, so it seems, that my Father intends me to continue to trudge.

The actual pain isn't horrible in-and-of-it-self.  Certainly the pain isn't as bad as it has been in the past.  But when it comes, it can bring with it a heavy, dusky emotional load.  It can shadow my heart with worry and fear.

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The "what ifs" shadow can invade and surround me---blocking out bright light.  What if it gets really bad again?  What if it is something new, something worse?

This morning, the "what ifs" crashed around my heart and pushed into the corners of my mind, taking a light-filled mood and bearing down with darkness.  I felt cranky and irratible.  ...Frustrated and anxious.  One harsh snap of my mouth toward my son as we left the house made me aware--- a quick slap awake, ...somethings is not right in my heart.

On the ride to the church, I simply put my head back, closed my eyes and brought my heart to the Lord.

I am worried, Lord.  What if it gets worse? 


I want this pain to end, Father, and it isn't over...  


I am tired of this, Lord! I am afraid.  

As these thoughts tumbled out of my heart in prayer, the song from the radio spoke something very different to my soul.

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"His love is amazing.  Steady and unchanging.  His love is a mountain firm beneath my feet.  His love is surprising.  I can feel it rising.  His love is surrounding.  His love carries me."

His love surrounds and carries. 

His love...my heart began to sing along with the music.  Slowly and steadily, the raging worries ceased to pound my mind.  The "what-ifs" silenced and my heart was lifted.  Light entered my mind and I sat and listened.  And quietly, I began to sing along,  "His love is amazing!"  

Your love O Lord, reaches to the heavens.  Your faithfulness reaches to the skies. 

My gentle Father calmed my soul and quieted my mood.  Like a big, gentle hug, He wrapped His calming love around me.  Oh! How He loves me...

There was a moment of peace and then He spoke His Truth into this peace.  A loving hug was followed by a firm face-to-face truth-moment for my mind.   As if to grab my face with tender, strong hands and looking into my eyes, His Spirit spoke deep into my soul...

My well loved daughter--- Set your mind on things above, not on earthly things.  Set your heart on things above where Christ is seated at my right hand.

Trust me for today.  And, do not worry about tomorrow, Stephanie....


Oh!  How He loves me...

Can't fix me

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I feel broken.  ...out of sync.  So frustrated by my own sin, I feel the weight of guilt and shame heavy on my heart.  True and healthy Holy Spirit conviction is long gone.  Forgiveness has been asked and received from my Jesus.  But, the heaviness remains.  The guilt hangs around and lingers.   My head still hangs low...

This strategy of my enemy and the wounds of my heart work together and leave me feeling discouraged, listless and worthless.  Pulling out of the shame and walking in freedom feels intensely difficult... as if, this is the "right" place for me to be.  This place of defeat is the "right" punishment for my sin.  I must pay, it feels.  I must do something... I must fix this!

And, certainly, the Lord is finally "done" with me.  Right?
These are the ebb and flow thoughts that swirl around my mind and soul today.

Why so downcast, O my soul?  Put your hope in the Lord!  

These words fill my journal page as I wonder about the state of my heart... and how to fix it.
How to fix it??  Really, Stephanie.  Did you hear that?  I am still trying to fix it!

So, I sit.  And, I read and I take in the words of a woman who walked this road nearly 150 years ago...
"To state it in brief, I would just say that man's part is to trust and God's part is to work..."

"Only God, who created us first, can re-create us, for He alone understands the work of His own hands.  All efforts after self-creating, result in the marring of the vessel."

"Settle down on this one thing, that the Lord is able to save you fully, now, in this life, from the power and dominion of sin, and to deliver you altogether out of the hands of your enemies."

"The most difficult burden we have to carry in life is self.  Our own daily living, our frames and feelings, our especial weaknesses and temptations, our peculiar temperaments, these are the things that perplex us and worry us...  you must hand yourself to the care of God, and leave [it] there.  He made you, and therefore He understands you and knows how to manage you, and you must trust Him to do it."

This wonderful lady, Hannah Whithall Smith, writes of a parent's love toward their child.  "He loves us, loves us, and the will of love is always blessing for the it's loved one".  I read these words last night as my daughter snuggled next to me with her own book.  She can't seem to get close enough to me.  In this warm, God-timed place, I read, "the baby toils not, neither does it spin; and yet he is fed and clothed, and loved, and rejoiced in...  This life of faith consists of just this:  being a child in the Father's house."

...being a child in the Father's house.  You are my well-loved daughter, Stephanie!    

When my daughter sins, I watch with deep joy when conviction comes and I rejoice when forgiveness is asked.  It is my joy to her her repentance and my bigger joy to forgive and offer mercy to her, my sweet girl.  But, what might I feel if she would roll around in the guilt and shame of her sin for days!

I read these simple thoughts about being a child in my Father's house and I can't help but reach up and caress her hair, my daughter, as she sits next to me.  What deep grief I would feel if she wouldn't, or couldn't, leave the sin done and forgiven!  What if she wallowed in it and punished herself and didn't believe my love!

Lord Jesus, I believe that Thou art able and willing to deliver me from all the care, and unrest and bondage of my life.  I believe that Thou did st die to set me free, not only in the future, but now and here.  And, Lord, I am going to trust Thee to keep me.  I have tried keeping myself, and have failed most grievously.  I am absolutely helpless, so now I will trust Thee.  I will give myself to Thee; I keep back no reserves.  I believe I am Thine.  I believe Thou dost accept that which I present to Thee; I believe that this poor, weak, foolish heart has been taken possession of by Thee, and Thou hast even at this very moment begun to work in me to will and to do of Thy good pleasure.  I trust Thee utterly, and I trust Thee now!  ~Hannah Whithall Smith

It is man's job to trust and God's job to work.

A must

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I am convinced.  


It is a must*. (*dictionary definition:  to be urged, ought, by all means to, to be compelled, or necessary...)


I know it isn't politically correct to say "this or that" is good for everyone.  And, yes, I know and believe with my whole heart that we are all unique and very different.  I know that any time we make a blanket statement or paint with a wide brush we run into trouble...  I know.  But, I am convinced--- deeply convinced--- that all of us, yes each and everyone of us, needs to take significant time away to be alone with God.  


We need solitude.  We need silence.  We need to get away.  ...to slip away and take time, a good amount of time, to spend with the Father.  


We need time to sit still.  We need to listen.  We need to ponder and pray.  We need to ask and wrestle, to read and learn, to study and worship.  We need time to relax and just sit with God.  


It is a must.  And, honestly, if I were forced to pick just one spiritual practice that has had the biggest impact on my life it would be this...  spiritual retreats, my get-aways with God.  


Now, how you do it---the timing, the place, the surrounding--- will vary, of course.  Creativity is key!  And, what you do while you are away with Him will indeed vary from person to person.  This is where the uniqueness and individuality is so apparent and beautiful.  In fact, through the years, the time allotted to this has changed and shifted.  And, each time I get away with Him, it looks a bit different.  But, the need for solitude and silence, I am certain, is a must.  


I just got away with Him.  Scheduled months in advance and set apart as sacred on the calendar, I had a long, lingering "date" with God.   Was it hard to find time?  Yes!! Was it hard to go?  Yes, absolutely.  Every time there are 16 or 20 reasons why I shouldn't go away.  


And, was it sweet?  Yes, a thousand times yes!  And, challenging.  And, tender.  And, encouraging.  And, convicting.  And, difficult.  And, refreshing...  And, definitely a must for me.  

"Our religious activities should be ordered in such a way as to have plenty of time for the cultivation of the fruits of solitude and silence." ~A.W. Tozer

"Solitude begins with a time and a place for God, and God alone.  If we really believe not only that God exists but also that God is actively present in our lives--healing, teaching, and guiding--we need to set aside time and space to give God our undivided attention. (Matt. 6:6)"  ~Henri Nouwen

Barabbas and Me

Give us Barabbas!

Why in the world would they choose to release Barabbas instead of you, Lord?  

These were the thoughts that came tumbling out of my heart when reading the account of Pilate's offer to release a prisoner for the Passover feast*.  (John 18:39-40)  "Give us Barabbas!" they cried.  

After all they had seen of Jesus.  After seeing His healing, His kindness, and hearing His teaching...  They chose Barabbas, Lord??!!  

No, Stephanie. I chose Barabbas.  The words flooded my mind.  I chose Barabbas.  "No one can take my life from me.  I lay it down voluntarily.  For I have the right to lay it down and the power to take it up again.  My Father has given me this right."  (John 10:18)

And, I chose you, too.  

Me and Barabbas.  Both rebellious sinners...both guilty.  Both released and offered freedom on the same day.  That day Jesus took our punishment, walked our road, and carried our sins.   Barabbas' crime and sentence---my punishment and my sin.  

I am chosen.  I am released.  He walked in my place.
  

Chosen to be freed and offered a new life.  I wonder how Barabbas spent his remaining free days on earth?  I want to remember and walk as one loved, chosen and set free each day of my life.  You?  How will you spend your days of freedom?  

"Where have your love, your mercy, your compassion shone out more luminously than in your own wounds, sweet gentle Lord of mercy?  More mercy than this no one has than that he lay down his life for those who are doomed to death."  ~Bernard of Clairvaus

*I am reading a wonderful daily Lent devotion that is free for download here.  

"See yourself as Barabbas, [condemned] awaiting your sentence of death.  Then consider how it would be to have someone loosen your chains, and release you, no questions asked." ~Tricia Rhodes

Victorious through Him

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He carried me.  And, we conquered.
Jesus, me, and my "300 men" of energy and strength!!

Last night, as I fell into bed and plopped my head on the pillow, all I could do was smile.  A very hard day, yes.  A "done" day, yep!  But, it was a day where I talked to the Lord much, more than I had been lately.  And, it was a day I needed Him frequently all day long...
  
So, that You would rely on My strength and not your own,  Stephanie.  
  
With His strength, I got out of bed.  I did a multitude of things and made it through the day with the Lord's Presence, and only 300 men.

Sweeping the floor... asking for God's strength.
Feeling sick... asking for God's healing.
Cleaning the kitchen, folding the laundry... asking for God's Presence.
Forgiving others... asking for God's mercy.
Feeling hurt feelings... asking for God's perspective.
Schooling the children... asking for God's wisdom and energy.
Teaching a class... asking for God's Presence, His Word, His Power.

My Brother Jesus carried and strengthened.  He fought and worked.  He never grows weary!

We conquered!  Me and my 300 men... and my God!  I boast today in God's amazing strength, His endurance, His Presence and His mercy!  (Judges 7:2)  I was done yesterday.  God wasn't.  He carried and He conquered.  How do I even say Thank you, Lord.  My eyes are on You, my God!  (2 Chron. 20:12)

I am done today.

Do you ever just feel "done"?
   
Done mothering.  Done wife-ing.  Done laundering.  Done working.  Done giving and listening.  Just done.
   
I feel done, today.  Tired.  Spent.  And, done.   ...ready to curl up, tuck in and rest.  
   

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It is one of those days when I could happily get back in bed, curl up in a ball, pull the covers up and take a long day's nap!
  
So, I offer this slightly edited version of a post I wrote in April 2010...  words that speak my heart today.  
  
****
  
I have only 300 men. 
  
This was my thought this morning as I woke to a full day ahead and an upcoming event I am not prepared for. I have only 300 men today, Lord.
  
In Judges 7, we read of God purposefully dwindling down Gideon's strong army to only 300 men. Early in the book of Judges, God finds Gideon hiding away and doing his task with his head down. God approaches Gideon in this hiding place and calls him to fight the Midianites... and the Midianites were a force to be reckoned with. Then, a bit later in the story, God dwindles the army Gideon has raised from 30,000 men to 300 men on purpose. 
  
On purpose.  Intentionally, God takes away Gideon's army. Really, Lord? And, to add interest to the story, God clearly tells Gideon what He is doing and why, "In order that Israel may not boast against me that her own strength has saved her." (Judges 7:2)
Today I have only 300 men, Lord.
  
I have learned so adeptly through my life how to do what needs to be done, accomplish the many tasks, bolster my heart and mind and survive... quite successfully. In my heart, at least, I have boasted in this strength.
  
And, God has been dwindling down my army for years. Slowly, God has been chipping away at my successful discipline, my organizing and plan-making, my energy, my solutions and my strategies, ...even chipping heartily away at my good looks and my charm (written with a smirk). The 30,000 "men" that I gathered around me through my early days as a Christian (lets just say the first 10 years of faith) were a blessing for those years. God does use large armies at times. But, these last 10 years, he has been whittling away at those armies.
  
The message to my heart of late has been one of surrender and reliance on Him. These past years, He has been ushering me into a new relationship of sorts with Him. He wants me to not trust in horses and chariots, blessings and strength... He wants me to trust in Him alone. No Stephanie-strength allowed.
  
Time and time again these days I find myself standing against the enemy, without or within, and saying to the Lord, as Jehoshaphat said, "Will you not judge them? For I have no power to face this vast army that is attacking me. I do not know what to do, but my eyes are upon you". (2 Chron. 20:12)
  
And, God's response to me, time and time again has been, "Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God's!" (2 Chron. 20:15).
I am tired today. My energy is low. I have failed again in areas sin. I am disorganized and my to-do list is a long. I haven't had much time to process deeply these last few weeks and I feel a bit in a whirlwind of thoughts and emotions. I am headed into an intense time of ministry... and I am feeling weak and ill-equipped. ...I only have 300 men, Lord. Like Gideon, I would like to just put my head down, do my "tasks" and get things ordered in my life and hide out from the enemy... without and within.
  
But, like Gideon, God calls out to me, "The LORD is with you, mighty warrior"(Judges 6:12) Me? Me, Lord... mighty warrior?? When God calls him a mighty warrior, Gideon quickly explains to God that his clan is the least and that he is the least of those in his clan. Me, too, Gideon!! Me, too.
  
But, Our Father seems to like to call the weak... just a quick perusal of Scripture will show that as true. Our Father seems to like to call the foolish, the childish and the sinners. He likes to confound the wise with His strength shining forth through the weak of this world.
  
I am most definitely one of those weak ones. I am a jar of clay, broken and full of holes. But, I guess the jars with the most holes shine forth more light, for today I have only 300 men.
  
"But this happened that I might not rely on myself but on God, who raises the dead" (2 Corinthians 1:19)
  "I cant. He can. I think I'll let Him." ~J. Coles

The tumble and fall of the urgent "more"

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Just one more pair of jeans... that should do, right?  Oh!  and...I need just one more shirt in pink, then I am done.  Just one more trip to Target.  Or, one more book.  One more album.  Or, one more app.   For everyone it is different, for sure--- but,  we feel it, don't we?  Or, am I alone here feeling the tug?  


Because, what I have is great... but it is not quite enough.   Nearly, yes.  Well, okay-yes, it is enough, of course!  And, I am thankful, Lord.  But...  but, I just need this one more thing...  


And so it goes.  The tumble and fall, the slippery slope of the "more".  There seems to be a constant urge within--- an urgent cry, a tugging, a screaming, or a quiet nag--- for "more".


In the movie, "Sabrina", Sabrina Fair reminds Linus,  "More isn't always better, Linus.  Sometimes it is just more."  Oh! The tug and the pull of the more.  One more movie, one more episode, one more email, one more blog and one more blouse.  One more chip and one more bite...  Just one more.


It isn't always better, Stephanie.  Sometimes, it just more.


Certainly this isn't a problem that only Americans have... although I do feel it keenly living here these few months, to be sure.  This is a human problem.  Across time and generations this has been a problem.  Solomon speaks to it over and over again, "Man's appetite is never satisfied". (Ecclesiastes 6:7)


To be content with exactly what I have right now and nothing more.  I need for nothing.  I have no need, no want, and no "dream" for the more.  "For godliness with contentment is great gain". (I Timothy 6:6).  My Father reminds me that there is great gain in being okay with what I have.  What blessings await me to be content with the "now" and to be happy in what I have now.  "Moreover, when God gives any man wealth and possessions, and enables him to enjoy them, to accept his lot and be happy in his work--this is a gift of God. (Ecc. 5:19)  So, He invites me not only to be "okay" with what I have, but to enjoy it.  


Lord, bless me with this enjoyment and this contentment--- these gifts from You.  


"O thou who kindly dost provide
For every creature's want!
We bless Thee, God of Nature wide,
For all Thy goodness lent:
And if it please Thee, Heavenly Guide,
May never worse be sent;
But, whether granted, or denied,
Lord, bless us with content. Amen! ~Robert Burns Grace

Always Present Moon

I just love seeing the moon during the day.   It always surprises me and brings me a message of God's always-Presence.

Out the kitchen window, while wiping down the sink today, there it was...  the moon.  Blue skies, green trees, the sunshine and ...the moon.  In broad daylight-- there it is--sitting in it's spot.  I could just imagine this day-lit moon was smiling at me with a laughing smirk and a wink.  He is calling my heart to remember that indeed he is still there.  The morning didn't send him away... he still remained.

Hidden, but there.  Unseen but always present.

That moon is always there, but unseen most days.  It never "goes away" really.  It is always up there rotating consistently and faithfully in the sky. I just don't always see it.

This has been a theme the Lord has been whispering into my heart lately.  Daily He seems to remind me to keep awake and aware.  This sleepy, sun drowned or cloudy world keeps me from seeing Him much of the time.  Sometimes I just forget or "fall asleep" in the haze of distraction.

Today my heavenly Father let my eyes fall on the hidden moon.  I want to see more, Father.  

Give me eyes to see, Father.  Give me an awakened heart to see, to hear, to be aware and awake today! May I see You, may I hear You, may I know Your voice.


"The real labor is to remember, to attend.  In fact, to come awake still more, and to remain awake."  ~C.S. Lewis

He remained silent... unless

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In those last hours before His death, He was left by His friends.  Alone He walked.  Alone He stood.  He was questioned and assaulted and still He remained silent. (Matthew 26: 63)

Silent, that is, sometimes.

There were times, very specific times, when He spoke up.  There was a question that He simply couldn't and wouldn't deny, even with silence.  He wouldn't allow them to misunderstand His silence as denial.  

He could not keep quiet any longer when asked about who He was.  He must speak forth His identity.  

"If you are the Christ, then tell us!" they demanded. "Are you the Son of God?" they questioned.  

"I am",  Jesus answers.  No more silence.  

"But Jesus remained silent.  The high priest said to Him, "I charge you under the oath of the living God, tell us if you are the Christ, the Son of God."  (Matthew 26:63)

"Yes, it is as you say."  (v.64)   

The humility of silence wouldn't stand when questioned about His very Being or about His relationship to His Father.  He cannot, will not, deny who He is.  

Even as my eyes glance over the words, "Yes, it is as you say," a memory floods my mind.  As I read this today, thinking on those last moments of Christ's life, I can't help but think of the recent moment when I remained silent.    Just the other day, in fact.  Not questioned, exactly... and certainly not assaulted, the opportunity to speak of who I am in Christ came and went.  I remained silent.  

Did I deny my Lord that day?  Well, not exactly...  But, my silence was truly full of cowardice, people-pleasing, and insecurity.  Was my silence a form of denial?  I knew the moment I walked away from the situation.  I felt the tug and sadness, the conviction, of His Spirit.  

He had been there with me.  I am never alone.  He had given me words.  I had Truth still lingering on my tongue.  I could have testified with my mouth.  But, I chose silence...  "humble" "gentle" "inoffensive" silence.  I remained silent.  

My Jesus remained silent that day.  Silent, that is... unless asked about who He was.  He just won't deny who He is, even with silence.  

Ample Opportunities

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They just don't seem to worry.  I watched them eat yesterday, these darling little birds--plump and singing their happy songs.  Cared for even amidst the snow and cold, these little ones don't have to be anxious.   They just eat what God has given them and go about their day. 

For me, in any given day, there are ample opportunities to worry.  From the lingering cough of a child, to the relational dynamics of family, to the laundry-pile that never ends...  each day, truly, holds enough worry of it own.  Each day there are plenty of reasons to feel anxious.  And, I do sometimes.  Do you?

Some moments, I feel this slight pain or tinge lingering in my stomach... worry...  and I have to stop and ask God, "Why am I feeling this way?"  It usually only takes a moment to pray and ponder my recent train-of-thought and it becomes clear why I am feeling just slightly queazy.  ...a passing thought of the upcoming credit card bill, a quick thought of the preparation I haven't done for that upcoming seminar, a conversation I feel insecure about...

My body can tense and feel the worry before I am emotionally aware of what my mind and heart are doing. 

Reading this morning, I was struck by the words of Christ to His disciples, "Do not be anxious". (Luke 12:22)  Just don't, He says.

Just don't do it.  Simple and sweet.

The beauty of Christ's words, though, include not only the "don't", but the "why not..."

Don't worry, He tells His friends.  Why?  Because, "He who planted the ear, does He not hear?  He who formed the eyes, does he not see?" (Psalm 94:9)  Why not worry, Stephanie?  Because, your loving, powerful Father sees and hears and knows. 

Why not be anxious, my friends?  Because, "God feeds them".  (Luke 12:24)
There is ample opportunity for worry, yes.  But, so are there a myriad of reasons to trust this One- this powerful Creator that sees, hears and knows all.  This day affords me ample opportunity to trust this One- this loving Father that clothes and feeds. 

Fear not, little flock, for it is your Father's good pleasure to give you the kingdom.  So, seek his kingdom and these things will be added to you!  (Luke 12:31,32)

Each day gives me ample opportunities to "fear not!" and occasions "to not worry".  Each day offers me circumstances to trust, to rest and to receive from my Father's hand.   ...to eat what He provides and go about my day, even in the snow. 

A Bitter, bitter cup

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A full, overflowing cup of pain, sickness and sin.  A cup full of rebellion, apathy, and hatred.  A cup full of stench, slime, and darkness I can hardly imagine.  This is the cup He was asked, intended, sent to drink.  This cup, this disgusting cup, is what my Jesus wrestled with the Father about that lonely night. He must drink it. 
...he fell on His face and prayed, saying, "My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from Me..." (Matthew 26:39)

When I really look--- I mean really take a long, thoughtful gaze---at my sin, it deeply grieves me.  The sin in my husband's life, my kids' hearts, and the sin in my friends... these too can bring a heaviness that sickens my soul.  I can just smell our sin and feel unwell.  And, I only have a taste, one small waft, of the stench of our sinful hearts.

My Jesus drank deep from this cup.

My sinful tendencies, habits, attitudes, thoughts and actions fill the cup that Jesus chose to drink that dark night in the Garden.
And, oh!, am I so glad He did.

Tricia Rhodes, in her book Contemplating the Cross, asks me to think for a moment, "Try for a moment to imagine the cup the Father holds out. Look into it.  What do you see?" and then she invites me to ponder further, "What would your life hold today had Jesus dashed the cup to the ground, refusing to drink it's bitter dregs?  Don't rush with this question.  Evaluate it deeply, pondering days and nights of an existence without redemption."

Days and nights without redemption.  The words alone bring grief and sadness to my soul.

Days and nights without forgiveness and mercy.  ...without grace.   Think on it just a moment...  a life lived without His peace, release and freedom.

When I linger on this thought for even a moment...  Oh!  The gratefulness in my heart wells so full and so deep, I can hardly contain it!

How do I even begin to thank you, my dearest Savior?  Thank you for drinking in my sin!  How do I even begin to worship You aright? Words can not express what you have given me in this choice, this obedience, this drinking.  You have brought me near!  You have loved me with an everlasting love.  You have released me and filled me and washed me white as newly fallen snow.  You have made this crooked one, this wounded child... me... straight and whole!  Teach my soul to see you, to see me, to see this world rightly with your eyes.  

"I want a principle within,
Of watchful, godly fear,
A sensibility of sin,
A pain to feel it near.
Help me the first approach to feel
Of pride or wrong desire,
To catch the wandering of my will,
And quench the kindling fire.

If to the right or left I stray,
That moment, Lord, reprove,
And let me weep my life away
For having grieved your love.
Give me to feel an idle thought
As actual wickedness,
And mourn for the moment minutest fault
In exquisite distress.

Almighty God of truth and love,
To me thy power impart,
The burden from my soul remove,
The hardness from my heart.
O may the least omission pain
My reawakened soul,
And drive me to that grace again,
Which makes the wounded whole.
~Charles Wesley, "I Want a Principle Within"

Remain and Keep

photo source:  Garden of Gethsemane

He has just walked with his disciples into the garden.  Evening light and a soft, cool breeze may have accompanied this quiet journey.

His words to his disciples, his friends, express a sadness that is deep beyond language, "My soul is deeply grieved to the point of death." (Mark 14:34).   Deathly sadness.

I have experienced grief---deep, dark, physically painful grief--- but, I have never been grieved to the point of death.  This is grief of epic proportions.  Jesus was walking forward that night into pain unimaginable.

And, He told his friends of His heart. But, they didn't get it.  They just couldn't.  And, neither can I.   I want to get it, Jesus, my friend.  I want to understand Your heart more... 

They keep with Him, following and trying to understand their teacher, their friend.  But, He must separate Himself and wrestle with His heart.  He goes a stone's throw away...

...with one request of His friends.  "Remain here and keep watch with me."  (Matthew 26:38)

Remain here.  


Keep watch.  


With Me... 

He is asking them to stay, to stand firm, to remain where He tells them.  Obedience.  Awareness.  Remain in Today, Stephanie... Rest in me.  Remain right where I have put you.  Don't rush.  Just rest and remain still.  

He is asking them to keep awake, to keep aware, to be watchful and ready.  Alert.  Aware.  Keep awake, Stephanie, while this world slumbers.  

He is asking... or is He inviting?... them to do it all with Him.  Close to Him.  Within earshot and able to feel, sense and see His pain.  Do this all with Me.  I am always Present, always with you, always available.  

The themes of this month, pour over me with these words... Remain here, Keep watch, and stay With Me.

Is He whispering to you, I wonder? ...  Stay here and watch with Me, my friend.  

Remember and Keep Awake

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I had an odd experience last night.  Exhausted, my head hit the pillow and I desperately wanted to fall asleep.  But, I just couldn't.  I was being kept awake by a very strange noise.  ...bird song.  It was long past 11:00 PM and yet, they were singing as if it was early morning.  Confused birds!?

Loud and lovely, they sang, as if the sun was on the horizon.  But it wasn't.

I was annoyed and tired.  For the longest time, I laid there frustrated, tossing and turning, with the beautiful bird chirped song pounding my tired ears!    And, then I prayed.  Drawn by God's Spirit, I was reminded of the fact that God's creation is His to use and speak through at all times.   So, I asked, Father is this for me?  Why are these birds singing at this time of night.  


I instantly felt a response well-up in my spirit, Stay awake, Stephanie.  


And, I knew He wanted me to remember.  He wanted me to be alert and awake in this sleepy, tired, busy, media-saturated,  lulled world!  I had just finished the Prayer of Examen before bed.  I had become very aware at how much of my day is spent truly unaware of God's Always-Presence.


Stay awake and remember.  These birds are awake when all around them everything is sleeping.  ...you need to be like these birds!    

I do forget and fall asleep.  I walk through life sometimes like a dream, half aware and sleepy.  One thing to the next ---and then on to the next thing.  I do forget.  Do you?

So easily, the distractions of every day life pull us away from the Real and the Eternal.  We fix our eyes on things seen, not the unseen.  Or, at least I do.

And, what a beautiful Truth is found in remembering our Lord, our Friend, our Brother!  I want to fix my eyes on Him:  Jesus, the Author and Perfecter of my faith.

Today, in an effort to remember and to remind my soul of sweet, real, awake and eternal things,  I begin a Lenten study of the cross and Christ's work there.  If you want to join me you can find free lessons to download and print from Tricia Rhodes' blog, The Soul at Rest   or you can buy her wonderful book with these lessons inside, Contemplating the Cross-A 40 Day Pilgrimage in Prayer.  

"Today and every day, God the Father extends an invitation---to actors and mechanics, schoolteachers and bright-eyed children, preachers and bartenders, accountants and garbage collectors, gamblers and homemakers.  It is an eternal unchanging summons to kneel in the shadow of that cross, where He sacrificed His only Son, and made it our souls' home.  God beckons us to gaze in awe at what we see on Calvary's mount."  Tricia Rhodes, Contemplating the Cross.  

Thank you God for your pursuit of me, your pursuit of your sons and daughters!  Thank you that you pursued us at creation, in the garden, last night and today.  Thank you Father for the deep, lasting, generous gift of Your Son's life.  Thank you Jesus for entering in, pushing through, walking here and loving me so much.  Thank you Holy Spirit that You will lead me into all Truth and teach me about my God!! 

Snuggle in

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This morning my daughter snuggles in...  my arms wrapped around her, her head pushing deep into my chest.

Buried.  Burrowed.  She presses in and we hug.   We hug long and tight.  She whispers, "Oh that feels soooo good!"

There is nothing like a hug, really.  Tender, tight and sweet.

My girl.  She knows that a hug like this is always available.   And, sometimes she surprises me with her enthusiasm in wanting one!

She is getting taller this 13 year old of mine.  ...we may very soon be face to face.  But, she will tilt and bend and burrow in order to snuggle into that spot, she calls it.  The crux of my arm feels a safe and secure place to her.

This is what I am reminded as I read of God's stronghold.  The LORD is the stronghold of my life---of whom shall I be afraid?  (Psalm 27:1)

Stronghold.  A strong hold.  Wrapped around and secure--- I am held in Him.

This is what I have in my loving Father's embrace.  The Hebrew word here in Psalm 27 has such depth of meaning...   maowz:  my place of safety, my protection, my refuge, my harbor.

My strength.

I have an ever Present embrace.  I have an always-available hug.  I can burrow in.  I can tilt and bend and get there.  His arms wrapped around in a sweet embrace.  He is my strong hold!

So, I snuggle in this morning.  I push in and rest in my Father's embrace.  And, it feels so good and so very right...

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Rest, my friends in His embrace.  He is the stronghold of your life!  

This too...a gift from loving hands

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We are taught to say, "Thank you" for gifts received from when we are very young.  Even now, I often remind my kids to be careful they "thank" the gift-giver before they even open the gift.   "Say 'thank you', I tell them, "the very second it it given.  Then open it..."  

I want to teach my kids thankfulness for the giving---not even necessarily for the gift.  Thankfulness for the heart of the giver---the generosity, the thoughtfulness, the kindness.  And, thankfulness for the trust to open it, knowing that this giver is good and kind.

This, too, a gift from His loving hand.  

In our home, these has been the words we have been speaking to each other lately...

Today, as I drove around Southern California lost, a bit anxious and late for an appointment, my husband (after giving me correct directions and helping me find my way) said these words to me through the cell phone.  He said them as we were hanging up.  He said them with a smile in his voice.   I could hear it.  I could hear his smile, saying those gentle words...

This, too, my love, ...is a gift from His loving hand.

Deepening trust.  That is what I have been asking for.  This is just what I asked Him for this morning.    Father, I am rooted and established in love.  May I know this Love more!  May I trust this Love, Your love.   May I rest in Your unfailing love.  

To grow in the knowledge of the height and depth of His love and then to rest in that Truth always.  ...in all circumstances.

When I am lost.  Or, in pain.  When I am sad.  Or, overwhelmed.  When I am tired.

To see my life as wonderfully ordered and beautifully orchestrated by a loving, Creative, kind and All knowing Father.   To trust all things He allows and brings and gives...  as gifts from His loving hand.

This too...is from My loving hand...


Trust is not trust until it has been tested. 
- Charles Spurgeon

There we go again...

There I go again.

So naturally, so easily...  I run to planning, doing, solving, organizing.

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When things get heavy or rushed.  When things feel a bit overwhelming, or manic, I naturally lean toward "doing" and controlling.

Make a list and check it twice.  Check the box, do the task, cross it off, add another task, do.

And in my doing, I sometimes forget.

This time I forgot.  Days on end, I forgot.  I fed myself on the almost-healthy food of "task completion", rather than eating a nutritious, filling meal on God's word.  I forgot to eat dinner.  Instead I snacked away my heart hunger on the "carrots" and "celery" of list making and planning.

Task completion and planning certainly aren't sinful in-and-of-themselves.   But, they don't satiate, they don't satisfy, they don't feed my soul in the same way that rest, trust and sitting with my Heavenly Father satisfies.

This morning, again, I ran to email first and then to the "to do" list.  ...my "safety blanket" when I am feeling overwrought.

...and, as I was writing, I "almost" heard a still small voice.  Almost, just barely, I heard a whisper into my soul. I heard an invitation..."Come.  Come and sit with me, Stephanie".  "Remain in today. Rest in me." 


I kept writing, re-writing this task list, checking it twice and adding new "must dos" to my list.  But, I knew.  Deep within, I knew.  Why I forgot so easily is beyond me...

So, I went.  Finally, I went.

I sat.  I opened His Word.  Like the first, amazing bite of a juicy bacon burger, His Word fed me instantly.

The Lord is my Light and my Salvation.  

My devotional, which had been neglected for days now, had me reading in Psalm 27.  Do you know what it says in Psalm 27:8...  "My heart says of you, 'Seek His face!' Your face, O Lord, will I seek".   Should I be surprised?

Should I be surprised that my loving, faithful, always-present Father would use His Word to echo the very Spirit's whisper I had barely heard 20 minutes before---Come and sit with me.  Seek My face!

There He goes again. He never gives up on me.  He keep pursuing.    He keeps giving.  He keeps feeding and offering Himself to me.

There He goes again.  ...Loving me.

Fickle Heart...

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My heart is fickle.  I am indeed prone to wander, Lord I feel it!

I don't mean to be faithless and inconsistent.  I just am.

One minute full of faith, trust and the knowledge of His love--- the next minute, doubting or worrying. Afraid or insecure.  My heart is fickle.  Have mercy on me, Lord!  Bind my heart to Yours!

But, my kind Father knows this and still He loves.  His heart is steady.  A fortress.

Still, He is faithful.  Always faithful.  Always loving.

My reading this morning took me to I Kings 19...  truly one of my favorite passages in the Bible.
In the previous chapter, Elijah has just seen God's amazing hand and has acted from a place of deep faith and trust in the Lord.  He knew God and He trusted God in I Kings 18.  But, then in chapter 19 we see him become afraid.  He is scared and overwhelmed.  He feels like giving up.  "I have had enough!" he says to the Lord.  (v.4)

And, God's response...

He is still faithful.  He is loving.  And, Father God is gentle...  so very gentle with Elijah.  In I Kings 19, we see God initiate, steps out and talk to Elijah in his place of frustration.  He meets him right where he is at.  In fact, God lets him sleep and then feeds him.  Then God lets him sleep some more and feeds him again.

Finally, God gives him the opportunity of His Almighty Presence and whispers to him.  Gentle whispers of truth and love.  ...He is always faithful.

My heart is fickle.

My God is constant, faithful and steady.  He is a rock that never changes.  He is reliable.  And, He is loving and gentle.  "an ever present help in time of trouble" (Psalm 46:1).

Ever-present for me.  Ever-present for you, my friend.  Still faithful is our God!

Whose are you?

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To whom do you belong?  Who do you belong to?

Whose are you?  

Confusing grammar aside...  I am asking myself this question today.  To be more accurate, I wonder if God is asking me this question.

Paul answers this question in one beautiful sentence that lighted off the page this morning...  "An angel of the God whose I am and whom I serve came to me this morning."  (Acts 27:23)

The God whose I am...

I am His.  I belong to Him.

We do like belonging, don't we?  It feels a right and a warm concept if our belonging includes purity, love and refuge.

I like "belonging with him" when people describe my relationship to my husband.  I like to be connected to him in that way.  I like when people say I belong to "this church" or "this organization"... that said, I like this notation when I am proud of the church or the organization.

I like to belong.

When I took my husband's name, I became part of his clan (so to speak).  Wearing his last name was a sweet thing for me--- they are a good people, a good family.  I like being associated with him, his dad, his mom, his brother and sister.  I like the connection.  I love the belonging that came with my marriage.

But, deep down... whose am I?  If my husband were to die... and I were to take another last name, would that change my essence?  No.  If I stopped belonging to that organization, this church or that team would it change who I am in any essential parts?  No.

First and foremost, I belong to God.  I am His kid.  I am His girl.  His princess.  I am essentially, in essence, and in reality His girl alone.

Remembering this truth throughout my every day is key.  I believe that freedom would abound in my life if I walked every moment under the awareness and umbrella of  being "His alone".  If I awoke each morning, ate each meal, parented each child, walked each place with the concept of being His and serving Him alone... what might my life look like?

Paul knew.  He knew whose he was and to whom he owed his allegiance.  I want to know this more. I want to walk in the beauty of this belonging.

In my attempt to know Him more this year, I have been making a list of words and phrases I find describing Him as I read His word each day.  Let me share a few of the words...

This is Whose I am:

I belong to...
a giver
an initiator
one Who is findable
one Who is merciful 
and higher than the heavens
a majestic King
one Who is strong
Who is eternal and endless
one Who is holy
one Who sees all
I belong to the One who
notices and questions
chooses
serves
who rewards
and judges
I belong to the One who is
a rock
a lover
a fortress
a hope
a refuge


I am His!!  This amazing, loving, wonderful One owns me.  I belong to Him.

Whose are you?

Resting Running

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I feel rushed here.

I just feel like I need to run, to hurry, to get to the next thing.  ...to do more.

Being on home assignment (or furlough) will do that... the schedule is tight, the opportunities to visit with people are way-beyond time and space...  But.

But, it seems more than that.  I felt as I flew into LAX, I flew into a cloud of fast-paced hurriedness.

Is it me or do Americans rush around like crazy?

Not that my schedule at home isn't full, but I just feel it here.  Like a blanket that seems to surround or descend, I feel pushed, pulled and rushed.

And it isn't really about the schedule, or the busy-ness, ...it is about my heart.  It is about the state of my heart.

Rest in God alone.  Rest in My love.  This, I know, is what my Father calls me to--- this is the Great Invitation.

I can rest in His love, His sovereignty and goodness, and in His timing. ... His timing.  Does God rush?

It reminds me of that lovely scene in Princess Diaries, where the queen is "late" and she is mildly rebuked by a servant, who is attempting to help her queen along, "to not be late."   In this scene, the queen comes calmly and graciously into the room and remarks, "The queen is never late!  Her subjects have just arrived early."  This same queen later encourages her protégée granddaughter to remember that she is a princess.  And, that "Princesses, never rush.  They never run...".  This is what has been echoing into my heart the last few days.

Stephanie, princesses never run.  They never rush.  You are a princess.  I am the King.  And, I am never late!  


I don't know what to attribute the rushed, fast-paced feeling to... is it cultural, circumstantial, or simply a spiritual stronghold?  I don't know.  But, I do know that it is contrary to the rest He is calling me to.

Not that I believe that we are called to "non-busy-ness" exactly... I just believe we are called to a state of rest, in the midst of life and busy stuff.  And I believe that a restful, peaceful heart is never rushed.

I have felt rushed.  Pushed and harried.

I choose to settle down this moment into His love.  I choose to do only that which He puts before me right now, not worrying about tomorrow.  And, I chose to rest in Him.

And, in about 45 minutes, I need to be out the door and off again to the next thing.  But, I don't have to run out the door.  I don't have to rush.  I can calmly, graciously walk.   In my heart, in my soul, I can trust my King.  ...pushing back the pull and pressure to run.

Whizzing Thoughts Calming Words

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Like a merry-go-round, my mind whizzed and turned.  Around and around went the thoughts.  Like busy, colorful, wood horses trotting, running, chasing....  Circular and connected, but racing and loud.  Do your thoughts ever turn and wind around, running away but in a circle?

As I sat to spend some quiet time, my mind just wouldn't stop.  Thinking and re-thinking.  

I had intended to read the whole Psalm.  But, I just couldn't.

The first line of Psalm 62 jumped off the page and lunged at me, relentlessly insisting on attention.  I simply couldn't move on.  I had to read it again.  And my mind calmed.  My busy thoughts took a seat and stopped at the Words...

My soul finds rest in God alone  


My soul finds rest in God alone, it said.  He said.  And I knew these words were alive.  Active and alive these words brought life.

As I repeated the words over and over in my mind and out loud quietly, I found a stop again in my spirit.  God alone  

God alone.

This was His word for me.  I needed to respond.

My soul finds rest, or more truthfully seeks rest in many things;  but, God was inviting me to more.  He was speaking to my soul and reminding my inner man that truly only in Him could I find rest.  I might seek rest in other things; but, I would never find it anywhere but in Him alone.

I could think more and plan more.  I could analyse and worry.  I could question and regret.  But, these would only send me around and around, never to find rest.

My soul finds rest in God alone.  Stephanie, your soul finds rest in Me alone.    

I told Him that I was deeply sorry that I ran seeking rest in other things, other thoughts, other ways... I told Him how desperately I needed His help to seek Him alone.  I told Him that He deserved all my heart, all my mind and all my soul.

And, I told Him that I would speak to my soul,  "Find rest, O my soul, in God alone!" (Psalm 62:5)

Find rest.

in God alone.  

Gotta' feed the beast

A beast of burden.

That is how A.W. Tozer suggests that we consider our bodies in his wonderful book, Pursuit of God.  I love it.  I just love it! 

Just as Jesus "had need of" that beast of burden, the donkey, when He rode into Jerusalem, so we too have need of our bodies.  They serve us.  Actually, they serve the Lord through serving us.  Just as that humble, insignificant ass did over 2,000 years ago for Jesus, so my body is a tool for the Lord---for His glory.  

And, just as we wouldn't abuse or neglect our needed beasts of burden, neither should we in any way abuse our bodies.  We should feed them, care for them appropriately and make them always ready for service when they are needed.  In the same way, we shouldn't rely on them too heavily or praise them--- focusing on them in excess.  Certainly the beast that carried Jesus was not receiving any "Hosanna's".  He just carried the One whom they praised.

My "beast of burden" has given me havoc many a times in my life.  Today this beast, my body, cries out for some more care.  Today it was a needed crown on an aging tooth and possibly a root canal.  Yuck.  But, truly, not something that I can ignore.  And, certainly ignoring it any longer would be to neglect the body that God has given me to carry me through this life.  ...so I must deal with it.

To be honest, the thought of a root canal and a crown was not as overwhelming as the thought of the cost of the two procedures.

I felt frustrated that once again this body of mine, this beast...  this hole-ridden- tent, was crying out in a way that was beyond my ability to provide.  I can feed it, yes, but I can't fix it!  ...and actually, in fact, the very food that I feed it comes from God's hand, as well! 

So... sitting in the parking lot of the dentist's office... my Father God and I had a good conversation about this.  I was able to tell Him that I needed Him to care for this body of mine.  I was able to ask Him provide for the beast that He has given me. And, that just as the disciples went at His bidding to get that donkey and bring the beast for the Lord's use... I am asking God to do all things necessary so that I can continue to serve Him---that this beast of a body would be a tool in His hands, for His glory!

This dialogue was had with tears and a fair bit of frustration.  I trust You, Lord.  Help me to trust You more!

So I rode this beast of burden right into the specialist's office.  And, long story short--- I don't need a root canal!  (a crown, yes.)  This news felt like a huge gift from God!  And as a special "wink" from my Father in Heaven, the specialist gave me the consulting visit for free.  Free! 

As I left the appointment, the receptionist said to me in low-quiet-tones, "there is no charge for today's visit".

I said, "I don't understand."

She lifted her voice just a bit and whispered again, "there is no charge for today's visit."

Dumbfounded, I said again, "I am sorry.  I don't understand."

"The doctor would like to bless you," she spoke quietly with a smile, "it's a blessing."

A smile from the receptionist.  A wink and a smile from my Father in Heaven---reminding me that He would indeed care well for this beast of burden---for me, for my body.  He would provide.  I could trust Him.  He does still have "need" of me and my body for His glory, ... so He would take care of it.  He will feed the beast!

In no wise desert you...

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Words spoken in truth and in love.  She spoke to me words with power.

As I opened the book and read, she reminded me.  A beautiful voice from the past, she spoke truth to my heart this morning.

This is why I read.  This is why I write.

In her writing, she speaks tenderly, as one who is well acquainted with grief and pain.  She speaks forcefully, as one who is learning alongside me... to trust, to surrender, to expect Jesus in her life.

Have you ever read a book and wondered if this book was written just for you?  Every time I pick up this book, Rose from Brier by Amy Carmichael, I am certain that it was written for me...  some 80 years ago.  How did she know what I was feeling?  How did she know exactly what I would need to hear today?  (I would recommend it for anyone who walks with long term illness or pain).

Amy Carmichael, my friend whom I have never met, spoke words to my heart this morning.  She spoke, through time past, a blessing over me...  "Jesus Himself draw near and walk with thee".

She reminded me that Jesus told His disciples that He would never fail or forsake them.  She studied those words "fail and forsake" in the Greek for me and reworded that famous verse saying, "I will in no wise desert you or leave you alone in the field of contest or in a position of suffering.  I will in no wise let go my sustaining grip".

We have a family tradition in our home.  Often, sometimes nightly, we whisper into our children's ears, "No matter where you go.  No matter what you do.  No matter who you become, I will always love you."  These are sweet, special words that surround our kids with love.

But, we can't ...we simply can not tell them, "No matter where you go, I will always be with you."  This, alone, God can say.

I will always be with you.  Always.  I will in no wise desert you.  

With these words, my spirit rose up and my heart widened enough to let Him in, inviting Him to reign again. I stood up with a renewed mind and a strength that comes from Him alone.

With all the craziness of packing, and planning, and cleaning, and leaving...  I needed these words today.  Into my sacred spot, ---my quiet chair---...the place I leave for a few months..., He reminded me that it isn't about the "spot".  It doesn't matter where I go, He is always there--- beside me, near me, around me and within me.

And, I recall words I read just last week from A.W. Tozer,

"God is here.  Wherever we are, God is here.  There is no place, there can be no place, where He is not.  Ten million intelligences standing at as many points in space and separated by incomprehensible distances can each one say with equal truth, God is here.  No point is nearer to God than any other point.  It is exactly as near to God from any place as it is from any other place.  No one is in mere distance any further from or any nearer to God than any other person is."  (The Pursuit of God)

Stephanie, God's Spirit whispers into my heart, I am always with you.  Draw near.  Come and follow me.  Seek Me first and all other things shall be added.  Watch and wait.  I will never leave you.  I will never fail you.  Wherever you go, I will always be with you. 

My heart has heard you say, "Come and talk with me".  And my heart responds, Lord I am coming!  Psalm 27:8

My reader, my friend, I speak to you this morning, May Jesus Himself draw near and walk with you!  

Warmth, new words and a teleporter please

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The morning air was crisp and cool.  My 9 year old son and I picked up the pace as we journeyed home from church, longing to get home, get lunch and get warm.  We walked, hand-and-hand, snuggled as closely as our winter jackets would allow.

All of a sudden, he blurted out, “Mom, I don’t feel very well.”  

He had just been playing with friends at church, so I was surprised and asked, “Oh! Are you feeling sick?” 

“No”, he replied, “I am feeling… ....I don’t know.”  

I paused and gave him some time to find his words.  

Holding tight to my hand and just a tilt of his head, he looked up and said,  “You know when you are just about to leave a place… you feel… you feel... I don’t know.” 

Trying to help him, I suggested, “You feel unsettled?” 

“Yeah, I guess so... No, not really unsettled.  More…  more leave-y”.  

In that moment my boy created his own adjective:  leavey

I asked him if it was a good feeling.  He said, "No", It wasn't.  And he pulled in tighter to my arm.   

"Me, too, baby. Me, too."  ...what else do you say?

Living overseas has been a tremendous blessing for our family.  I simply can not count the spiritual, emotional, relational and physical gifts that have been poured out over us because of our calling overseas these past 10+ years.  But,  the truth still remains,  it is hard to be constantly straddling two, or three worlds, isn't it?  

There is no way around it--- it is just hard. Sometimes, it just stinks!  And, although the benefits are immense, there is a cost.  

So, we pack our bags this weekend and get on an airplane and fly "home" to stay for a few months.  ...hating the long flights, my son is still contemplating the ins-and-outs of designing and inventing a "teleporter".  

And, we feel all mixed up inside.  From my daughter we have dancing glee one moment, literally--- and then sobs of grief the next.  We want to go.  We do.  And, we desperately don't want to go.  The emotions are running high in our home.  

...leaving home to go home, and all that that means.  It isn't easy.  

What else do you say?  

"The Lord has been our dwelling place" (Psalm 90:1) and "You will keep in perfect peace, he whose mind is steadfast on you." (Isaiah 26:3) ...come to mind.  

"Anything that makes me long for God is a blessing. Anything that makes me desperate for Him, anything that brings me to the end of my own resources, my own strength, my own power, that's a good thing."  ~Nancy Leigh DeMoss